|Hell on Earth
Author: hooligans-holiday PM
A man opens the box and gets killed, so our fav Cenobites (plus the Wire Twins, who now work for Butterball) are stuck on the Earth. They thought they could solve the situation in a couple of days, but that idea was too optimistic. In the meanwhile, Pinhead has an hysteric OC girlfriend, Chatterer is in love, and Butterball likes pop singers. And someone will try to rescue them.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 7,292 - Favs: 1 - Updated: 11-20-12 - Published: 10-25-12 - id: 8641288
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Warning: Extremely silly chapter ahead. And it's slightly longer than the previous two. I hope you like it...
Title, Friends style: The one with Butterball ruining the evening, and Pinhead being insensitive and sarcastic.
"Pinhead, we need to talk." Eva crossed her arms and stared at her boyfriend.
The Cenobite turned his head and looked at her "About what?"
"I think it's better if we discuss about it...somewhere else." she scratched her neck, slightly embarrassed. The rest of the team was in the room, and the last thing she wanted was having Butterball know about Chatterer's "problem". That creature had the sensitivity of a steamroller.
"Is it important?"
"Definitely YES." she nodded once.
Pinhead stood up and followed her. She even went out of the apartment to be sure that there was no one listening. Then she sat on the stairs and finally spoke.
"Pinhead, Chatterer is in love."
The older Cenobite raised a non-existent eyebrow "And why you think this should interest me?"
"Because that poor kid is in love for Female. And they'd be really nice together. So...even if Hell thinks that feelings are overrated, I don't. We need to organize a date to make them end together."
Pinhead shrugged "And you really think it could work?"
"Yes. Go out and call the Yellow Pages, they find everything. Find a club that organizes masked parties and book a table for four people. Then I'll tell you the rest of the plan." she nodded once, to stress that she wasn't going to listen to replies.
"Pretty much, you've thought about everything."
"Obviously. Now go and call."
"Then where are the coins to use the phone?" he grinned.
Not only Pinhead managed to book a table in a club they could easily reach, but Female accepted, and Butterball (with his two "babies") disappeared an hour before they went out.
Eva's expression was the human (or rather cenobitic) version of the Cheshire Cat. Nothing could go wrong on a night like that. Neither the guy who asked for a picture with them, "because those costumes looked so damn real", could bother them. Even if the club was the worst place on the Earth, she was going to ignore it and keep smiling.
"That's the place." Pinhead pointed at the blue neon.
"It's even a nice place..." Eva was impressed. The only way the night could get better was seeing Female and Chatterer kissing. But there was time for that. In the meanwhile, they could get some drinks.
They walked inside. A waiter, dressed as Dracula, greeted them.
"Welcome. Do you have a table?"
"Yes. Four seats. The name's Cenobites." Pinhead glanced at his friends.
"Okay, Mr. Cenobites. Let me check..." he typed the name on something that looked like a phone "Here you are. But...there's a mistake."
Eva's smile dropped "What kind of mistake?" here. Perfection? NEVER!
"It says that the table is for seven people, not four."
Even Pinhead was surprised "I booked a table for four people."
"I don't know...if you give me a second, I'll see what I can do." the guy shrugged and left.
Eva was glaring at her boyfriend. In her mind, she was depicting all the best ways to murder him. From "let's make him an omelette with poisonous mushrooms, even if we don't need food" to "impale him, and then draw obscenities on his body". No way the club receptionist got that wrong. Definitely Pinhead didn't understand a thing and decided to invite Butterball and the Twins. But then why he didn't ask for seven seats when they arrived?
"You only had to do ONE thing. And you did it wrong." anyway, she needed to get mad and to get an explanation. And the second thing was in progress.
"I booked a table with four seats. You want me to repeat it...in a different language?" he touched one of his knives.
"You can do whatever you want. But there's still a table for seven people." she crossed her arms and snorted.
The waiter came back. With him there was another guy.
"He's the one who got your call. He says that you called again and apologized, but you needed three more seats."
"I only called once. Are you sure they said "Cenobites"?" Pinhead tried to hold back the urge to slay everyone in sight.
"Yes, they did. I'm sorry, but we can't get you another table..." the receptionist apologized.
"Okay, It doesn't matter." Eva interrupted them "Let's go and take our seats. We don't want to spend the night wondering why there are seven seats instead of four..." she understood that Chatterer was feeling uneasy, and all she wanted right now was seeing him happy. And who cared if the table was too big.
"This way, then." the waiter brought them in a bigger room full of masked people.
Actually, a terrible thought appeared in Eva's mind, but she tried to send it back in the "impossible" category of her brain.
"It was about time!" that raspy, fat, terrible voice.
Yes, she was right.
Butterball was sitting at their table, with the Twins on his sides.
"I thought you got lost! Come here, guys...there are a ton of nice babes in this club, and you forgot to invite me! But good old Butterball heard you and fixed it. I even brought both my sweet candies, so even you can get some, Chatterer..."
The four Cenobites just stared at him.
Female grabbed two of her knives and started rubbing them together, without moving a muscle on her face.
"Such a nice way to start the night." Eva smiled sarcastically. The cherry on the cake was "Sexy And I Know It" playing in the background. A flash of Butterball dancing to that song, with leopard print pants, made her wonder if she could ask Pinhead to perform a lobotomy on her brain, so that her mind became finally unable to imagine that kind of stuff.
They sat around the table. Unluckily, Chatterer ended near one of the Twins.
"Look here, Chatterer. It's all true flesh." Butterball patted a hand on the Twin's breasts. And she didn't look bothered by that, since she started moving her tongue towards the chattering Cenobite.
On the other side, Chatterer suddenly felt the urge to run away. He started nervously looking around.
"Listen to me, buddy, don't think about butterflies. Do I have to add what she can do with that beautiful tongue? If you think about the service, it's not that expensive." the fat Cenobite nodded and lowered his sunglasses to stare at his friend with his stitched eyes.
The table trembled for a second. Eva coughed when she saw that Female, with her usual calm face, jabbed her favorite knife in it.
"How about we get the drinks?" she stood up and tried to smile at Pinhead, but what came out was an awkward grin.
"This could be the first good idea of the day." he whispered in her ear.
"Nothing for me or the Twins, boss, we already ordered." Butterball looked at the couple.
After getting all the orders, Eva and Pinhead walked towards the bar. She was muttering curses to "that biped pig" and "those two faceless hens", and they were so creative that Pinhead almost laughed.
"Anyway, that's not how I wanted things to go...he keeps talking to Chatterer, and Female is just there, silent. CHATTERER SHOULD BE TALKING WITH FEMALE NOW." she clenched her fists.
"I told you that the idea was...pretty stupid." Pinhead glanced at her.
No. She wasn't going to accept it.
"Look, the idea was amazing. It's not my fault if Butterball heard us and decided to invite himself and his harem."
He shook his head "I never said that. I only think that they needed their time. You wanted to rush things..."
"But that's the last night we spend on the Earth..."
"Eva, we're not humans. And our feelings are different, too." he shook his head.
She snorted and started drumming her fingers on the bar "Well, at least I can get drunk."
"No, we can't."
She rolled her eyes and stared at her boyfriend "Please...tell me you're kidding. God, I'm starting to think that being a Cenobite is good only because I don't have to wash my hair or shave my legs."
For a moment, Pinhead's indifference fell and he fatherly patted a hand on Eva's shoulder. But it was just a second.
Finally one of the barmen noticed them and asked them what they wanted.
"We need a Piña Colada, Absinthe, and orange juice at the table 6. With a strand." she counted on her fingers.
"And a Classic Caesar. And please, don't forget the Worcestershire." a slight smile appeared on Pinhead's face.
Suddenly Eva thought that both her eyes and ears were hallucinating. He smiled while talking about that? "Since when you're a cocktail connoisseur?"
"It's a long story...anyway, my favorite would be Manhattan...if only there wasn't a cherry..."
The girl was still slightly surprised. She never thought he would love something so...normal.
"Here's the juice. I think I know who's the driver tonight..." the barman laughed and gave them the bottle "Anyway, I'll send the cocktails to your table. You'll get them in a few minutes."
"So we have nothing else to do here..."
"Man, can I ask you something, before? How did you glue the nails to your face?" the barman pointed at Pinhead "It's cool..."
Eva knew he would react, even if his face remained calm. And he did it. She stretched out the arm and managed to stop the chain before it reached the man's face. Warm blood started dripping on her wrist as she turned to glare at her boyfriend.
"Please. We don't need to end the night in a police station." she opened her hand and the chain fell on the floor.
They returned at the table. The situation was still the same, with Butterball blabbering and giving the occasional squeeze to the Twins, and Female with her arms crossed, completely impassive. Chatterer was probably praying to get struck by lightning.
"The drinks will be here soon." Eva sat again near Female and smiled, trying to get her to say something. Hell, she only pronounced three words in the whole night, when she asked for the Absinthe "Something happened while we were away?"
Female shook her head.
"Well, definitely something happened to us." she showed the bleeding wound on her hand "And sorry, here's Chatterer's bottle."
Chatterer shyly grabbed the bottle, staring at Female. She was sitting between him and Eva, and she glanced at him for a second.
"You need me to open it for you?" she talked. SHE FINALLY TALKED!
He shook his head, showing one of his hooks.
A waiter arrived at the table, with two glasses and a plate with something that looked like a...
"Who ordered the double cheeseburger with double meat, double fried bacon and fried onions, extra mayo and no lettuce?" he read.
Both Eva and Female immediately pointed at Butterball, disgusted.
"Okay. Now...two Cleopatra's Kiss and a Mudslide Martini."
Eva leaned over to Pinhead and whispered "Explain me why I'm the only peasant who ordered a normal cocktail."
"Maybe because they read the menu and you didn't." right.
The munching noise made all of them turn. And even Pinhead's stomach protested when they saw Butterball take pieces of the cheeseburger and soak them in his drink before eating them.
After a while the table became silent. Even Butterball was no longer trying to convince Chatterer to get one of the Twins for a couple of hours.
Eva was desperately thinking about a way to leave the (not yet) couple alone, but most of them involved getting rid of the fat Cenobite who just decided that a red-haired Rihanna singing "S&M" deserved his attention.
"Hell, if she worked for me I could even retire now..." he laughed.
One of the Twins slapped him so hard on the nape that he slammed his face against the table.
Pinhead closed his eyes and shook his head.
"Sweet muffin, I'm sorry." he adjusted the sunglasses on his bleeding nose and caressed the Twin's face "I never meant to offend you, the most beautiful girls in the universe..."
Both the Twins put their hands in front of him.
"But right now I don't have money!" he whimpered.
Eva decided that she had enough of that indecent show. She poked Pinhead with the elbow, trying to make him understand that she wanted to save Chatterer and Female from that situation. He had to find a way to cut it short.
The Lead Cenobite nodded and coughed to draw everyone's attention, then he spoke, with his best solemn tone.
"So. This evening has been definitely enjoyable, but there's something I need to tell to my dear friend Female, the High Priestess. Female, tonight you'll mate with Chatterer. Such is his desire."
Eva was trying to finish her drink, but she almost choked on it when she heard that. Female's eyes became as big as golf balls, and Chatterer just tried to disappear under the table.
"Pinhead..." the younger girl started, still coughing.
Butterball interrupted her "I didn't know you liked nuns, Chatty-boy. But I'm pretty sure that my sweeties can do more stuff than her. No offense, Fem, I'm just noting a fact...a nun doesn't have much experience of real life..."
Everyone expected a reaction from her. Instead, Female just stood up and walked out.
"I told you the night had started badly...WHAT WAS THAT? EXPLAIN ME!" Eva finally exploded.
"I told her what Chatterer wanted." Pinhead shrugged and grabbed his glass to finish his drink.
She snatched the glass from his hands and emptied it against him, before smashing it on his head. She bent a couple of nails and some blood started coming out from the cuts, but his expression looked like nothing happened.
"You always make things so complicated, Eva. Order is so simple..." he opened his arms and sighed.
No. That was too much. She had to bear worse things, but she refused to get scolded because she valued feelings more than Pinhead's beloved ORDER. She needed a way to punish him. In the meanwhile, a good idea was going out and reach Female. Well, if they were still humans, they could rant about men being assholes, but as Cenobites...damn. Butterball was the only one who talked, and he said random crap seventy percent of the times he opened his mouth (and the remaining thirty percent represented the times he opened it to eat).
Anyway, out. The night at the club failed, and it needed to end immediately.
Butterball looked at Chatterer and Pinhead.
"Are you sure you don't want my two cherry bombs? I'll ask them if they can make a discount on the price. You know, I'm pretty sure tonight your ladies won't be in the right mood for some fun..."
Chatterer took a knife out of nowhere and started thinking if cutting his troath was a good idea for a suicide. Then he remembered that a Cenobite couldn't get killed using simple weapons like that, so he threw it away, even more depressed.
Almost immediately after, Pinhead and Chatterer reached the two girls out of the club, and the four started heading "home".
"I had to guess it. When I saw Butterball I had to guess it. That dirty swine should care about those two...THINGS, instead of ruining other people's lives. And obviously Mr. Savoir-Faire didn't make things better." Eva glared at Pinhead, then she turned back to Chatterer "Look, Chatty, I'm really sorry. I thought we could spend a nice evening together, and...I'm sorry. And I could say the same to you, Fem...I've been a stupid."
"No..." whispered Female. Well, at least she said something. Even if Eva still didn't know if it was good or bad.
The noise of Chatterer's teeth made them stop. He pointed at the entrance of an unfinished and abandoned building, then at himself, then back at the building.
"You wish to remain here?" Pinhead asked.
"We will meet in the morning, then. We have a mission to complete."
He nodded again.
After he disappeared, Eva started again.
"Fem, I didn't know he'd say that. But I'm pretty sure he's sorry. RIGHT, PINHEAD?" she kicked his ankle.
"I needed to talk to you privately, Female. I'm deeply sorry for letting others know about the situation..." he apologized.
"No, seriously." the girl nodded "Fem..."
They both turned at the same time.
But Female was not there.
"What...where is she?" Eva looked around.
"I think I could have an idea." Pinhead smiled.
"No, it can't be. We're not stupid, we would've noticed it..." she shook her head.
"You want to see it by yourself? I have known Female for a long time, I'm sure of my statement." he nodded.
Eva crossed her arms "Ok."
They went back. The girl kept muttering "Absurd", until they entered in the building and started hearing Female's voice.
When they found the room, the scene they saw shocked the girl.
Chatterer, naked, was suspended in the air by several chains. Female was naked, too, and had a whip with hooks in her hand. When she whipped him and the hooks ripped his skin, he threw his head back, clicking his teeth.
And he looked like he was enjoying it.
Eva ran out, embarrassed. Well, that was more than enough...
"What did I tell you?" Pinhead was behind her, grinning.
"Well. I never thought I was going to see them...like that!" she closed her eyes, blushing.
"Then we can go back home."
"Definitely." she sighed "And...look, I'm sorry for all the stuff I said."
Later that night, one thought still kept Eva's brain busy.
Who the hell paid for the drinks?
EDIT: DAHH, I FORGOT. Google the cocktails I choose for them, if you don't know them. I tried to use drinks that could fit them...