Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me, hell the original plot doesn't even belong to me! Oh, but Victor does belong to me, yes he is a real person, but he is my bitch!

Lindsey: Welcome to Master Spoof Theater, as I am calling all my spoofs. I had a hard time deciding on what movie to spoof then I not spoof my favorite TV show! So this fic is a spoof of the first episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The cast will be chosen by me. I will be doing the "Welcome to the Hellmouth" eppy in 2 chapters, and will add the Harvest onto that. Okay so let's get down to business!

Victor: Finally, I thought you'd never shut up!

L: [glares] Don't make me come over there.

V: Ewwww! You'll have to walk the whole 3 feet to behind the camera!

L: [Something that resembles a shoe goes flying over the camera. A thud is heard] There!

V: Ow.

L: Shut up!!! That's Victor, our camera man. Though we really don't need one, but I'm not letting him on my set unless he's working!

V: You made Liz the magic expert and Viv the costume consultant.

L: Liz is more of the med crew than the magic expert.

V: She uses magic to do it.

L: that's not the point! Now shut up! Okay down to business; the cast.

Buffy Summers .. Arwen 'Evenstar' Undómiel (LoTR: Fellowship of the Ring)

Joyce Summers.. Galadriel (LoTR: FOTR)

Xander Harris.. Peregrin 'Pippin' Took (LoTR: FOTR)

Willow Rosenberg.. Michelle Flaherty (American Pie; 2)

Rupert Giles.. William the Bloody aka Spike (BtVS)

Cordelia Chase.. Katarina 'Kat' Stratford (10 things I hate about you)

Angel.. Aragon 'Strider' (LoTR: FOTR)

Darla.. Isabel Evans (Roswell)

The Master.. Elrond Undómiel ( LoTR: FOTR)

Luke.. Frodo Baggins (LoTR: FOTR)

Jesse.. Meriadoc 'Mery' Brandybuck (LoTR: FOTR)

Harmony.. Maria Deluca (Roswell)

Additional Cast: Jay and Silent Bob ( Mallrats, Dogma), Xander Harris (BtVS), the hobbits (LoTR)

Audience and commentators: John Carter and Abby Lockhart (ER), Buffy Summers, Dawn Summers, Willow Rosenberg, Rupert Giles, Tara Maclay (BtVS), Lucas and A.J. (Empire Records)

**After a little break**

L: Okay, how is everyone?

Spike: How do you think?

L: Not happy, huh?

Spike: I'm the bleeding watcher!!

Dawn: He's playing Giles?! I think I'll stay.

V: Like you have a choice.

Dawn: What?

L: [ to Victor] Shut up. [to Dawn] Nothing, why don't you go take a seat next to the rest of the audience.

Buffy: Is there a reason you have the seats set up in movie theater fashion?

L: Not really, but what do you expect. We're on a tight budjet. Maybe I'll get some better seating arrangements by the next spoof. Okay we need to get started. All people in the cast go see Vivien in costume.

Mery: How do we know if we're in the cast?

L; [sighs] You'll name will be on the cast sheet.

Mery; Oh...[sees his name and goes off to costume]

V: I take it he didn't read the script either.

L: Big deal. How're audience members doing?

A.J.; Fine I guess.

Lucas: I'm comfortable.

Giles: Fine, for someone who's been kidnapped and being held against their will.

L: God, you Brits really ARE drama queens! [ moves to where Jay and Silent Bob are sitting] First, this is a PG fic, PG-13 at most, so watch the language Jay!

Jay: What's up with that crap!

L: Jay!! Behave or else!

Jay: Or else what?

L: Hmmmm...I'll spoof the musical episode next and you'll have a leading part!

Jay: [cringes]

L: Plus I'll bet your co-stars will love to thank you for helping me decide the next episode to do.

Jay: [grunts] Fine..fine.I'll behave.

L: Good! [turns to Silent Bob who is about to light a cigarette] Ah ah uh! No smoking on set! [ takes his pack of cigs away]

Silent Bob: [glares at her]

V: the cast is ready, Lindsey.

L: Good! Let's begin!

*~ Welcome to the Hellmouth~*

L: Who's doing the opening monologue?

V: Me

L: Go ahead

V: In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Blah, blah, blah.

L: Nice, cut to a class room at Sunnyhell High.

Buffy: It's Sunnydale L: Not in my version.

Xander: the name kind of suits it actually.

L: Whatever. We see a hand break the glass of the window. The hand undoes the clasp. It's Xander!!

Spike: Breaking and entering. Didn't think Harris had it in him.

Xander: Shut up.

L: Both of you shut up. [looks at Spike] Shouldn't you be in costume?

Spike: I'm not on for awhile now, luv.

L: Fine, let's hurry and get this scene done with.

V: She's pissed, the disk she saved the first version of this story on broke.

L: Don't mention it! I have made some good revisions though. I was going to make Dawn the Buffy and have Arwen as an understudy.

Dawn: [flatly] Oh, joy.

L: Let's continue. Isabel it's your line

Isabel: Are you sure this is a good idea?

Xander: It's a great idea, now come on.

L: They crawl in. Cut to the hall. They come out into the hallway.

Isabel: Do you go to school here?

Xander: How young do I look?!

All: [snicker]

Abby: You could have been held back.

Spike: Knowing him that's a definite possibility!

All: [laugh]

Xander: Can it, Rupert!

Spike: [glares at him] L: Stop fighting! Xander your line.

Xander: I used to. On top of the gym it's so cool. You can see the whole town.

Isabel: I do not want to know what they are doing up there!!

L: Don't worry we won't have to find out. They continue down the hall. Isabel stops him.

Isabel: I, I, I, I don't wanna go up there.

Xander: Aw, you can't wait, huh?

All: Ew!!

Xander: It's what he says!

L: We know, we know. Continue..

Isabel: We're just gonna get in trouble.

Xander: Yeah, you can count on it.

L: They lean in close about to kiss when something startles Isabel.

V: It's the mother ship!

L: Shut up!

Carter: I don't get it.

L: Isabel's an alien. Her ship crashed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947. She was in an incubation pod that didn't open until about oh 20 years later.

Carter: Whoa

Isabel: Technically I'm a human/alien hybrid.

L: Does it really matter? Keep going I want to get this done sometime this year.

Isabel: What was that?

Xander: What was what?

Lucas: The noise, duh.

Xander: I know that!

Tara: then why'd you ask?

Xander: Because it's in the script!

L: Next person who speaks gets locked in a closet with Jay!

All: [silent]

Jay: What's so bad about that?!

L: Besides the odor?

Jay: What odor? [smells himself]

L: Let's just continue

Isabel: Fine, I heard a noise.

Xander: Big freaking whoop. [Lindsey glares at him] I mean it's nothing.

Isabel: Uh, uh, maybe it's something.

Xander: Or maybe it's some thing!

Isabel: That's not funny.

Buffy: No duh

L: Quiet

Xander: [looks down the hall] Hellooooooooo! [turns back to Isabel] There's nobody there.

Isabel: Are you sure?

Xander: No, I'm just saying that to lure you into a false sense of security.

Isabel: Can I please kill him now?

L: Knock yourself out.

Isabel: [changes into game face and bites Xander in the neck]

Carter: What the hell?!

L: Maybe we should have put a warning label. WARNING: This spoof is not for the faint of heart, or if you have heart problems, or are pregnant.

V: Good idea.

Cater: So aliens drink blood?

L: No, vampires drink blood. I turned Isabel into a vampire for her part.

Spike: Which would make you a vampire?

V: Nope

L: Me? [points thumb at self] Nah! I used author power! I'm the author so I can make anything I want happen.

Isabel: [still sucking on Xander's neck]

Buffy: I'm going to have to kill her now.

L: No way! She still as to act in the rest of the spoof. If you're worried about Xander we can bring him back.

Buffy: What?

Willow: You're not planning on using magic..

L: No..well sort of. It's complicated, besides if I told you I'd have to kill you. We'll bring him back afterwards. We still need to use the body.

A.J: I think I'm gonna be sick!

Lucas: Be cool, man. Be cool.

L: Isabel...Isabel!!! Stop it now!

Isabel: [lifts he head up, her fangs and lips are covered in blood]

Abby: Gross!

L: Cater would you and Abby take him to the med lab. Tell Liz not to bring him back yet, just to store him until we need him. [Cater and Abby pick up the body and carry it to med lab]

L: Next scene, Arwen's room! Arwen are you ready.

Arwen: I believe so.

A.J.: Corey!?

L; No..that's Arwen, our leading lady.

A.J.: She looks just like my girlfriend Corey.

Dawn: Then they both look like Liv Tyler.

L: No kidding, moving on. Arwen's room. The camera shows a shot from above of her in bed. She's having nightmares, with visions of the Elrond's lair, a cemetery, Elrond, of vampires and other demons, various events and artifacts. She wakes with a start.

Arwen: Very strange things I have seen this night.

Buffy: Does she always talk like that?

L: Pretty much. She's an elf, what did you expect. Skip the rest of this scene it's boring. Cut to the school. Galadriel's car pulls up.

Galadriel: This is very false. I am not Arwen's mother, I am her grandmother.

Tara: Wow, what's her secret? She got her own fountain of youth?

L: All elves look young, except Elrond.

Elrond: [off stage] is that an insult?

L: uh...no, it's compliment. Let's get going shall we.

Galadriel: Okay!

[Arwen gets out of the car]

Galadriel: Go forth, my daughter. I hope you shall meet many friends on you journey.

L: [hangs head and sighs]

Arwen: [nods and closes the door]

Galadriel: and honey? Try not to get kicked out. Arwen: I would never imagine it.

V: She isn't the juvenile delinquent type...unlike a certain Slayer we know.

All: [snicker]

Buffy: Shut up

L: Okay, next scene. Pippin, you're up! [pause] Pippin??

[off stage]

Mery: What are they?

Pippin: They're called tennis shoes. They itch like crazy.

Frodo: We don't wear shoes!

Sam: [is trying to tie the laces]

L: Pippin!!! It's your cue!!

Pippin: Oops! Got to go! [takes a step and trips. Sam has accidentally tied the laces together]

Sam: That's not it then?

L: Okay, Pippin is on a skateboard weaving through the crowd.

Pippin: 'Scuse me, comin' through, pardon me, 'scuse me, whoa! 'Scuse me, not sure how to stop! Please move, whoa, 'scuse me... [sees Arwen] Whoa.. [smashes into the railing] Ow...

L: Queue Michelle

Michelle: [walks up the steps stepping over Pippin's legs]

Dawn; Wow, she looks just like..

Tara: Exactly like..[they all stare at willow]

Willow: What?

Tara: Doesn't she remind you of someone?

Willow: What, are you kidding? That hair, and that face? She's a dead ringer for Julia Roberts!

Lucas: She has a high opinion of herself.

L: No kidding. This is Michelle.

Michelle: [waves] Hi all!

L: Pippin your line.

Pippin: I'm Okay. I feel good. [sees Michelle] Michelle! You're so very much the person that I wanted to see!

Michelle: Oh, really? [they start to walk toward school]

Pippin: Yeah. You know, I kinda had a problem with the math.

Michelle: Which part?

Pippin: The math. Can you help me out tonight, pleeeease, be my study buddy?

Michelle: What's in it for me?

Pippin: Some of my pipe weed.

Jay: Dude! He's got weed too!

L: Shut up! You two better not have brought illegal substances onto my set! Let's go to the next scene. Mery meets up with them.

Mery: [monotone] Hey, hey!

Pippin: Hey, Mery! What's up?

Mery: New girl!

Pippin: That's right, I saw her. Pretty much a hottie!.... Um, I actually don't believe in interspecies breeding.

L: Just say your lines, Pippin.

Abby: Doesn't she end up becoming human?

L: From what I heard. Didn't read all of the third book, got kind of boring, but the movies better anyway.

A.J.: That's not always true.

L: Name a book that was better than the movie. A.J: Anywhere but here

L: Never read it, but the movie sucked anyway.

Willow: I kind of liked it.

A.J: Emma?

L: started to read it. Liked the movie more! Ewan McGregor's in it!

A.J: Great Expectations

L: Been meaning to read that!

V: I thought you read a lot? You've hardly read any of the classics.

L: Nuh-uh! I'm reading the Three Musketeers right now. The movie will probably be better.

Giles: Which one?

L: the one with Charley Sheen. I love Oliver Platt in that movie!! Anyway we're off topic let's get moving. Skip the rest of this scene, it's boring. The principal's office! Oh, wait! I need a principal! Um...Giles, be the principal.

Giles: Why should I?

L: because I said and you're the oldest.

V: What about Spike?

L: Okay, okay, oldest looking.

Giles: I'll try not to take that too personally.

L: Cut to principal's office. Arwen is seated across from Giles, who is behind his desk. He's looking at her school records.

Giles: Arwen Undómiel, sophomore, late of Hemery High in Los Angeles. Interesting record, quite a career... [tears the paper into four pieces] Welcome to Sunnyhell! A clean slate, Arwen, that's what you get here. What's past is past. We're not interested in what it says on a piece of paper, even if it says...Good lord!

Arwen: Mr. Giles.

Giles: All the kids here are free to call me Rupert.

Arwen: Rupert.

Giles: But they don't.

Spike: Wanker.

All: [snicker]

Giles: [glares. Turns back to Arwen. He starts to tape up the torn sheet]

Arwen: I know my transcripts are a little... colorful.

Giles: Heeey... We're not caring about that. Do you think, uh, 'colorful' is the word? Not, uh, 'dismal'?

Arwen: Wasn't that bad.

V: You burned down the gym!

All: [snicker]

Giles: That's my line.

V: Sorry.

Arwen: I did, I really did, but... You're not seeing the big picture here, I mean, that gym was full of vampi... asbestos.

L: Yea, she was just doing everyone a favor! You know, killing that evil asbestos!

[All except buffy and arwen laugh]

Giles: Arwen, don't worry. Any other school they might say 'watch your step', or 'we'll be watching you'... But, that's just not the way here. We want to service your needs, and help you to respect our needs. And if your needs and our needs don't mesh... [he puts the paper in the folder and slams it shut]

L: Skip the next scene

V: But it's where her and Pippin meet!

Arwen: I already have met Pippin.

Pippin: Ditto.

L: Fine we'll do this scene. Cut to the hall. Buffy comes out of Giles office. She opens her bag and rummages through it as she walks into the hall right in front of Jay and Silent Bob. Jay bumps into her, making her lose her grip on the bag and spill its contents.

Arwen: Excuse me!

Jay: Watch were you're going sucka'!

L: Jay, get off the stage! Pippin hears the noise and walks back to help Arwen pick up her things.

Pippin: Can I have you?

All: [Laugh]

Spike: Sounds like a pick up line Harris would use.

L: Shouldn't you be getting into costume?

Spike: Oh, come on! Can't I just wear this!?

L: Nope, now march Mister.

Spike: [grumbles some not nice words and stalks off to costume]

L: Pippin continue.

Pippin: Duh..Can I help you?

Arwen: [smiles] Thanks.

Pippin: I don't know you, do I?

Arwen: I'm Arwen. I'm new.

Dawn: Duh, he knows that.

Lucas: He's playing it cool. Doesn't want to let her see him sweat.

Pippin: Pippin. Is, is me. Hi [smiles]

Arwen: Thanks.

Pippin: Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around... maybe at school... since we... both... go there.

V: What a geek All: [snicker]

Pippin: [glares]

Arwen: [stands up] Well it was nice to meet you. Can I go now?

L: Yes, go ahead the scenes dead anyway. Okay next scene classroom. Skip the whole lecture on the Black Death. Go to where the bell rings and Arwen meets Kat.

Kat: I'm Kat. [offers hand]

Arwen: I'm Arwen.

Kat: If you're looking for a textbook of your very own there's probably a few in the library.

Arwen: Oh great thanks. [they get up] Where would that be?

Lucas: You know where the books live.

All: [snicker]

L: She'll show you. You both start walking down the hall. On the way Kat quizzes you to test your coolness factor.

Kat: Well, you'll be okay here. If you hang with me and mine, you'll be accepted in no time. Of course, we do have to test your coolness factor. You're from L.A., so you can skip the written, but let's see. Vamp nail polish.

Arwen: um...over?

Kat: So over. James Spader.

Arwen: Who?

L: No clue either. Just keep going.

Kat: Frappaccinos, god how shallow is this girl?

L: You just now noticed this? [everyone but Kat laughs]

Kat: Why do I have to play her? I'm not even a brunette!

L: I needed a really big bitch to play Cordy. [everyone laughs]

Buffy: I don't know, you think she'll be up to the task?

L: I'm pretty sure. Let's get moving. Arwen your line.

Arwen: ...Oh! Trendy, but tasty.

Kat: John Tesh.

Arwen: [gives her a questioning look]

Kat: Sadly I wish I could say I've never heard of him either. My dad's a big fan.

L: Gross. Okay they turn towards the water fountain to see Michelle!

Kat: Michelle! Nice dress! Good to know you've seen the softer side of Sears.

Michelle: Love your outfit too! Where'd you get it? Slut-R-Us?

All: [laugh]

Lucas to willow: Did you really say that?

Willow: No

L: It works though

Kat: [glaring] Ha, ha. You done with the water fountain?

Michelle: Uh, yea. [Walks off. Arwen watches her for a minute then turns back to Kat.]

Kat: You wanna fit in here, the first rule is: know your losers. Once you can identify them all by sight they're a lot easier to avoid.

Arwen: You would be one, right?

All: [everyone except Kat and Arwen burst into laughter]

L: Nice burn! I don't even think she's trying.

V: She isn't, she can tell Kat's a bitch

Kat; It's the character!!

L: We know! Keep going, we're almost done with the first chapter. Keep walking down the halls.

Kat: And if you're not too swamped with catching up you should come by the Copper Pot tonight.

Dawn: Copper Pot??

L: We needed a new name.

Buffy: But the Copper Pot?

L; It was Victor's idea.

V: Was not!!

L: Was too! Now shut it! We're almost finished!!

[Everyone lets out a sigh]

L: With the first chapter that is. Then we have three more for this spoof, or maybe more. [everyone grumbles] Arwen line.

Arwen: The who?

Kat: the Copper Pot. It's the only club worth going to around here. They let anybody in, but it's still the scene. It's in the bad part of town.

Arwen: Which is where?

Kat: About a half a block from the good part of town. [laughs] We don't have a whole lot of town here.

Buffy: that's for sure

Kat: But, um, you should show!

Arwen: Well, I'll try. [looks at library doors] Um, thanks.

Kat: Good. So, um, I'll see you in gym, and you can tell me absolutely everything there is to know about you. [walks off]

Arwen: [looks at her weirdly] There is no way I am doing that! I do not want to be associated with her.

All: [laugh]

L: Who could blame you. Kat: [glares]

L: And Arwen goes into the library and that's the scene! End of the first chapter!

Carter: Thank god!

Spike offstage: Mean I'm not in it until the next chapter?

L: Yep.

Spike: Yes!! Yes!!! Yes! [comes out in normal outfit]

L: I though I told you to change?

Spike: Screw that, I'm not in it until the next chapter anyway.

L: Whatever. You can all take a break. We'll be starting chapter two soon so don't get too comfortable.

V: by the way, where are Jay and Silent Bob?

Abby: No one has seen them for awhile. [the lights go out]

V: they got into the circuit breaker.

L: Grrrrrrrrrr!

V: See you folks next time! [turns off the camera]

~~~~~Coming soon Chapter two of Welcome to Hell~~~