|Final Fantasy: A Parody Novelization
Author: Quadraginta PM
This is a parody-novelization of the original Final Fantasy, giving the originally silent protagonists voices, and (if you can even call it that) personalities. This parody-novelization follows mostly the same story as the original Final Fantasy (what little story it had in the first place) but with lots of humor thrown in.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 17 - Words: 13,773 - Updated: 03-25-13 - Published: 11-01-12 - id: 8664510
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Hey...uh...is...is this...is this thing on? Uh...how...how do I...
"Hey, New Narrator! What the hell are you doing?!" said Quad...or did he say it? I don't really kno-
"NARRATOR!" yelled Quad. Ok, now THAT, he definitely said.
"OH, GOD, SHUT UP!" I yelled, clamping my hands on my ears. Quad did as he was told.
"Ok. Hi. I'm Nappa. I'm your new narrator."
"Nappa? NAPPA?!" yelled Zeph as he flew, yes, FLEW up to me. I didn't even know he could do that. But then again...I can toooooo...and I am right now!
"Hey, Nappa!" said Zeph when he was floating just feet away from me. "Can I have your autograph?"
"Nope." I said as I bitch-slapped him into a mountain. "I'm taking over from here."
"Oh no, you don't!" yelled Quad as he dashed up to me and smacked me right on my head, knocking me into the earth. Which actually kind of hurt. Son of a bitch has a high power level, holy shit...
"Ow!" I yelled as I get back out. "Why, you little..."
"You suck at being a narrator!" said Quad. "We're going to revive the old narrator with Zing!"
"Isn't that a spell from Dragon Quest?" asked Solun.
"...Y-...yeeeaaaahhh...try to ignore that fact...anyways, we just need to wait for Rain's mana to recharge...even though she didn't use any magic at all for a long amount of time now...but we still need to wait for it to recharge...whatever, let's wait..." replied Quad.
I charge up my ki, ready to fight. "And just how do you plan on allowing me to not kill you after the way you just pissed me off?!"
I fly towards Quad and punch him right in the gut where he belongs. "You'll have to kill me first! I want to be the new narrator! It's fun!"
"God-...*wheeze*...dammit...Nappa..." Quad barely managed to mumble, as he was short on breath.
"...wait." said Quad, energy suddenly returning and pain quickly fading. "Astos had a power level of over 9000...Nappa, your power level is 4000. YOU CAN'T HURT ME!"
Quad flew towards me and struck me right in the middle of my head, slamming me into the earth again. Holy shit, that one hurt even more.
I get back out and fly towards Moon this time. Surely, she has a lower power level than a monk like Quad...does she?
No, as she flung a near-solid fireball right into my face, burning me to a degree of pain that I cannot even comprehend, no, not even a Saiyan like I.
But I still have energy left in me. I fly towards Solun this time, sure that I can kill her first. But not, she cuts off my [DATA EXPUNGED] with her spear.
As I land on the ground, bleeding profusely from my new wound, Zeph pops out of the mountain that I knocked him into earlier, and slashes his scimitar into my head. Right before it pierces my brain and kills me, though, I think to myself: Oh, why...I am worth 3+ Raditz...why are they worth more than that...when they are mere humans...
And then his scimitar pierced my-
Wait, what? I just use Selfdestruct and...what? Why is Nappa dead? What happened? What...GUYS, TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!
"Quad! Zeph! Rain! Moon! Solun! Dr. Science! What just happened?" I asked.
Quad said nothing, as motherfucking usual of him. Instead, he flew towards me and hit me in my- wait, when did he learn to fly-
OH GOD, MY BALLS! MY BALLS! MY WONDERFUL BALLS! THAT HURT! HOLY SHI-
OH, DAMN, THAT'S MY SPINE!
NO, MY ORGANS! MY ORGANS! I NEED THOSE! WAIT A SECOND! WHAT THE FUUUUU-
FUUUUUUUUUU- wait, what? First I used self-destruct, then I all of a sudden, I'm alive again, and Quad mutilates me and...I'm alive...again...again? What happened?
"Rain used Zing to bring you back to life and then I killed you and then she revived you again." explained Quad.
"Oh." I reply in a tone of voice that shows that I understand the situation. "So, why is Nappa dea-"
Quad flew towards me again and- OH MY FU- NO WAIT, PUT THAT BACK, I NEED THAT FOR, OH GOD, THE PAIN, THE PAIN, IT HURTS SO MUCH, WAIT, STO-
END OF CHAPTER 14