Author: JustAPenNameForMe PM
An alternate universe in which Christian is yearning for Ana. Because instead of trying to get Ana back when she walks out, at the end of FSOG, Christian lets his 50 shades and dark side take completely over.Rated: Fiction M - English - Angst/Romance - Christian G. & Anastasia S. - Chapters: 38 - Words: 76,548 - Reviews: 570 - Favs: 195 - Follows: 392 - Updated: 04-16-13 - Published: 11-13-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8701871
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: I do not own the Fifty Shades trilogy, nor Christian Grey's character – I just play in the sandbox created by E. L. James!
A/N: A little bit about the timeline:
a. Christian and Ana split Saturday, June 4th. Established by the date in the emails they send each other in FSOG.
b. Chapter 1 and 2 of 'yearning" occur sometime in September; about 2 months and a few weeks after the split. Elliot proposes to Kate Saturday, August 27th (again from email dates, this time in CH13 of FSF); I assume an engagement party will happen a few weeks after the actual proposal.
c. Chapter 3 of 'yearning' starts on Tuesday morning. The Leila incident is right before dinner on Tuesday, June 14th (again from the email dates on CH12 of FSOG). This chapter picks up right where chapter 3 left off.
Loving your Favs, Followers, PMs and reviews! 2 chapters in one as a T-day special : )
~ Mama Grey ~
"Get out of this house!" an implacable, furious voice startles Elena…
Grace deliberately and with authority walks into the room, like a mama bear protecting her cub, she stalks around to where Elena is standing.
Elena has taken a few steps away from Christian.
Christian is just standing there, no reacting, as if he is frozen in time. Finally, Grace stands in front of Elena, slaps her, hard, breaking Elena's lip which gushes blood.
Elena puts her hand against her cheek and lip; her eyes look like those of a fighting bull.
"Take your filthy paws off my son, you whore, and get OUT!" demands Grace
"You do not understand, Grace, he has needs!" Elena tries to explain
"Get OUT!" Grace bellows, picking up Elena's purse from the table and throwing it against a wall.
Elena thinks for a minute, she knows that Christian would never forgive her if she does anything to Grace, so she picks up her purse and leaves.
Christian just stands there; he does not react at all… Once Elena is out the apartment, Grace turns to look at her son and demands "Christian, are you having an affair with Elena?"
"No" he answers using a monotone voice.
They stand there for a few minutes; Grace walks over to the couch and sits.
Christian just stands there doing nothing.
"Sit, Christian." Grace uses an annoyed tone; Christian drops to his knees, parted slightly, head bowed, hands interlaced behind his back. He looks like a POW resigned that he has only minutes of life.
"What are you doing?" Grace asks her son; he does not answer.
"Where is Ana?" no answer "Christian Trevelyan-Grey, I asked you a question and I expect an answer!"
"I don't know where Ana is"
"John said your ex-girlfriend had a gun to Ana's head" – Elena and an ex, I really do not know much about you do I; what kind of a mother does not know these things!
… no answer… it is as if time stands still…
"Talk to me Christian!" Grace orders
"What would you like me to say?" he answers as if he was saying the answer to a rote question in primary school
They sit there for about 15 minutes. Grace has been studying him; he has been holding her gaze, not saying anything, and he is not moving. He is not really here, he is distant; he looks lost, like the little abused and forgotten boy that she adopted so long ago. She closes her eyes, walks to her purse and calls Dr Flynn.
"John, I need you to come to Escala…"
"Is Ana back?"
"No… it is Christian, he is just sitting on the floor, not saying anything, vacantly looking into the distance. Oh, John it is like when I saw him the very first time; and he did not talk for four years after that!"
"Is he catatonic?"
"No, he gives one word or short phrase answers…"
"Keep him talking. I'll be there shortly"
"How do I keep him talking?"
"Asks questions, with a stern voice, as many as you can think of"
"Christian, why was Ana alone in her apartment?"
… no answer…
"Christian, I expect you to answer me. I will ask you questions and you will answer. DO you understand?" she says with a very firm tone.
"Good, now why was Ana alone in her apartment?"
"She left me"
"Why did she leave you?" – oh sweetie, you have a broken heart
"Because I am one fucked-up son of a whore"
Grace wants to hold him and tell him he is not, but she pulls her doctor training and continues.
"Is Elena the reason you split up?"
"Does Ana know about your affair?" – please, say there is not affair, please, that I missed read what I saw
Grace closes her eyes and takes a deep breath
"How long did it last?" – please, say once, one time, just once
no, no, no… and then she asks the question she knows she does not want to hear the answer to "How old where you?"
He does not answer; he does not recognize that she even said anything
"Answer me, Christian! How old where you?" Grace demands
Grace's heart breaks into a million pieces; she intakes as much air as she can possibly manage, her hands are shaking – her baby boy, she is a failure of a mother, under her own nose and she delivered her son on a platter to that bitch
"Why, why in the world didn't you tell… someone, your dad, your coach, your doctors, someone?"
There is a pregnant pause; when he finally answers, it is barely in a whisper "… because I did not want it to end…"
Grace wants to cry, to drop to the floor and join Christian into that world he is in, hold her son and never let him go.
"You've done well, Grace. I'll take it from here" Dr Flynn says softly
Startled, Grace looks up "How long have you been there? John"
"You knew" it is a statement rather than a question
"Yes, now I need to be alone with him"
"Think again, John, if you think I am leaving my son LIKE THAT" she points to her son sitting immobile on the floor
"He needs his doctor" – or someone he recognizes as his Dom, but he does not say that
"and he needs his mother"
"It is my professional opinion, Dr Grey, that you are mistaken"
"I'll be in the office" and Grace walks to her son's office, closes the door, and sits on a couch; eventually falling into an uneasy sleep.
John walks over to where his patient is; sitting on the floor; John thinks very carefully what to say next.
"You are mistaking if you think for one second, I am going to kiss you" he says with a light tone to his voice, and sits on a chair across Christian. Christian just raises his eyes to look at Dr Flynn.
"…and I am not going to flog you, or whip you or whatever kink it is that you are picturing in your mind" Christian bites his cheek, and holds John's gaze. John knows he is on the right track "I'll do almost anything for my patients, but I'm drawing a line right there…"
"Christian, you have not asked me about Leila. She'll be there for a while, when I asked her she claimed she did not know an Anastasia" Christian looks down again; his breathing slows; he almost looks like he has fallen a sleep.
-wrong move doc; John thinks... I need to bring some emotional connection … Grace was not enough…
"Anastasia" John repeats, sternly. Christian lifts his head "I doubt that she even exists… I think that she is a figment of your imagination…" Christian makes eye contact for the first time and wrinkles his brow "I mean, you never mentioned her before … that is the reason why your security team cannot find her, there is nobody to find…"
"Ana, my Ana"
"Tell me about your Ana. What is she like?" "She said she loves me"
"What comes to your mind when you think of Ana?"
That has the desired effect and Christian starts talking and his answers get longer and more passionate, after some back and forth Christian is sitting on the couch back to his normal in control self.
"My understanding of subspace, Christian, is academic, but I thought it happens after, not before a session. I thought the submissive would go into that trance-like state after the adrenaline rush of pain and satifaction of pleasure."
"John, I have been on an adrenalin rush for a week!"
"Care to explain"
Christian explains about… planning a week of all out BDSM sessions; leasing a Californian ocean front villa with a helipad, planning on going to a BDSM club day and night for a week; he was looking forward to it, but when he finally made it to the first session he lifted the whip and when the girl looked up at him with anticipation… all he could see was Ana's blue orbs full of tears, Ana's broken pained expression, Ana asking him to stop… he tried to summon anger but all he felt was aberration; he dropped the whip and left.
Christian closes his eyes and takes in some air. John cannot believe his ears a breakthrough of this magnitude was no more than hope of his a few hours ago.
Christian continues… went rowing alone in the ocean just to clear his head and ended up doing that for the rest of the time; at first it was very different than the rowing he is used to but he liked the challenge and solitude. Each day going further and further away; sometimes wondering if it would be best to just keep going and not come back. That the only reason he came back was because he could not bear the thought of breaking Grace's heart, and the remote possibility of seeing Ana again. He just returned this morning, he was afraid that if he took that boat again he would not return. Back in Seattle, he learned of all that happened to Ana, and how angry and upset he was at his short comings. That he tried to deal with the anxiety and anger with a grueling session with his trainer. Only to have to deal with Leila's incident, and to top it all now Ana is missing.
"If you were not here, I would have come out on my own. You know, so don't be so smug" Christian finishes his story on a matter of fact tone.
"Shackled and whipped" the good doctor counters
As if remembering something amusing, with a smile, Christian adds "… no shackled, but yes, passed out, laying alone on the floor…"
They do not say much for a minute or so; their silence is broken when Taylor, followed by a security team, comes into the apartment and starts giving their findings. "Ana went to New York; there is a fly plan of a private jet registered to Benetton Enterprises and listing two passengers Ana Steele and Ethan Kavanagh"
"Who in the hell is Benetton Enterprises?!" Christian asks.
… there is no answer …
"Christian, if it is the same to you, I'll be going" Dr. Flynn finally says
"Sure, bye John." The good doctor is walked to the elevator by Taylor.
Christian dismisses Taylor and the security team. He lifts his sleeping mother and settles her into the guest bedroom – not the sub room – the guest bedroom next to his own room. He then goes to his room and falls a sleep for a few hours – holding the note that Ana left next to a model glider when she walked out of his life…
This reminded me of a happy time.
In the morning, once he is showered, he takes the model glider and begins to build it while drinking his coffee.
"What are you doing, son?" Grace asks.
Christian stands up and walks to his mother "Good morning mom, I tried not to disturb you when I moved you to the guest bedroom, the couch did not seem comfortable"
"Thank you son, I am used to it. I do it often at the hospital."
"This is a model glider" Christian points to all the pieces scatter across the table "Ana gave it to me and I am building it" there is a proud note to his voice.
"That's good son. How is Ana?"
"She is fine. She ran off to New York."
"I see, how are you holding up?"
"Mom I really do not want to talk about last night"
"We need to. Elena and you" Christian cringes but does not say anything so she continues "… and you sitting on the floor like… you looked so broken"
"Mom, it is a coping mechanism; it has not happened since I left Harvard" – because I broke it off with Elena; he thinks but does not say it.
"We will talk about this" she says sternly
"I know, just not right now mom" and he pulls the only card he has "… I need to recover; I am mentally exhausted mother…"
That has the desired effect and she drops it.
"Join me for breakfast Mother?"
"No, I need to get going. I'll just get a yogurt to eat on my way."
Christian walks her to the elevator thanking her for being there for him last night. She gives him the saddest haunting look he has ever seen in her and she leaves.
- You are an ingrate, Grey, that woman has done everything for you and this is how you repay her! his snarkly inner voice tells him. Christian thinking of Ana, sits and continues to build his model glider...
~0~ TBC ~0~
A/N: * I added a bit to Grace and Elena's scene, I toyed with the idea of an actual cat fight but it just did not fit right… I wanted CG hitting rock bottom before pulling himself backup by the bootstraps …what do you think of CG's trip to CA? and what do you think of submissive CG?
** 4fiction – is Ana haunting enough? : ) - I started writing this chapter when I posted CH3, and named it 'mama Grey' as in 'mama bear.' viola .walsh .73 got close; Louisvuittonfreak and chepburn77 guessed it was Grace; and chepburn77 came close to guessing this chapter's title – she just did not know it :)
*** I am trying to figure out where CG's NY apt should be. I am thinking it should be ultra modern, with lots of security, and many other amenities like secured private gym for the rich and famous. Got any ideas?
… until next time… Thanks for reading!