Chapter Six

As I was writing this book, I thought to myself how gorgeous and viking-like you must have become just by reading all about me, then recalled that I had barely told you anything about my interests and hobbies. How can you learn to be more like me, the mighty Gildar, if you knew nothing of my favorite pastimes? I then decided that it would do you some good to dedicate this chapter to my interests and hobbies.

I'm into deep conditioning. There's just nothing like having perfect, volumized, knot-free hair, from morning to evening, and from evening to morning. Don't you just hate it when you wake up one morning and discover that your hair is tangled, flat, and greasy? My dear fan, I am so sorry if that ever happens to you. I have never had a loathsome experience such as that in my entire life, so I can only wonder how awful it must be, how you could possibly put up with it. If you have any bad hair days, contact me immediately. I've put my e-mail address in the very back of the book. You're welcome.

Another hobby of mine, which I believe I've mentioned earlier, is excercising. My favorite exercises are chest and bicep work-outs. If you'd like to be as strong as me, take my words of advice: go back to Chapter Three and read about my daily excercise routine, then go out and do it. Feel the burn, it's good for you.

I also quite enjoy writing autobiographies; I have the perfect subject to write about. There's not a more interesting subject than me, Gildar, the Golden Viking. And I'm sure, that right at this very moment, you're finding it as rewarding as I do. That's why you picked up this book, isn't it?

I have a special affection for mirrors. Any kind of mirror. Blue mirrors, yellow mirrors, gold mirrors, bronze mirrors, big mirrors, small mirrors, new mirrors, ancient mirrors. I've never met a mirror I didn't like. I can see my handsome reflection in every one of them. I do have a favorite, though. I'm particularly fond of my little red mirror with a golden "G" on the back. I carry it around with me everywhere. I don't know what I'd do without it.

I feel that I must share with you the one thing I detest more than anything else in life: sass. I don't like sass. It's disrespectful. My dear Gildar wannabe, it is my quest to rid the world of sassiness. There's nothing I enjoy more than a good stopping of the sass. I cannot express in words how satisfying it is when a sassy Attacker thinks he's going to make it past me, but then figures out that it's time to wake up from his little fantasy.

Oh, and of course, I enjoy defending the castle. I wouldn't have gone to Defender School if I had never wanted to be in the business.