|Babysitting Damion: A Madness Combat Two-Shot
Author: Spirit9871 PM
When Sanford and Deimos are asked to take care of Hank's son, Damion, only for a few hours, they gladly accept, wanting the hundred dollar cash prize awaiting them in the end. After all, if you're a trained fighter, then looking after a five-year-old should be a piece of cake, right? (Madness Combat two-shot)Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 2 - Words: 7,968 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 3 - Published: 11-18-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8714373
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
(30 minutes later...)
Sanford slumped back on a wooden chair in the kitchen. He felt as if he had died and gone to hell.
Sanford turned his head to Deimos, who was in a fetal position, rocking back and forth on the floor. Deimos had taken a shower and washed his face ten times with soap, shampoo, and whatever else he could get his hands on.
"No more toilets. No more toilets. No more toilets..." Deimos chanted to himself, still rocking.
Sanford slapped his hand onto his own face. He didn't even have the energy to do a proper face-palm anymore... Damion had forced him to make six glasses of chocolate milk, purposely spilled ketchup onto the carpet, made Deimos scream like a little girl which caused Sanford to smash glass on his now bandaged hand, and traumatized the poor techie.
Deimos, still shaking, glanced back at Sanford.
Sanford snapped his eyes back open, realizing that his partner was finally talking to him after so long.
"We're dealing with the fucking devil..." Deimos quietly said.
Sanford looked back at the TV screen in front of Damion. He already knew he was watching "The Ring", but just stopped caring after a while. In fact, Damion was treating it as if it was a COMEDY film, not a horror movie.
Sanford watched as Sadako began crawling out of the TV in the movie scene towards her next victim. She made a horrifying glare with her pale skin and long black hair at the actress (who was screaming her ass off). Instead of moving back or showing any signs of fear, Damion laughed, pointing at the demonic-girl from the movie even at her most terrifying moment.
"Haha! She's ugly!" Damion teased.
Sanford banged his head onto the table, exhausted to even think of what to say.
"No shit Sherlock." Sanford muttered to Deimos, his head still on the wooden surface of the furniture.
Deimos closed his eyes, shuddering at the moment which will scar him for life. "What time is it Sanford?"
Sanford looked at the clock hanging on the wall. "It's two o' clock."
"How long has it been since we've started taking care of that kid?" Deimos asked.
Sanford stared at the wall in front of him. He looked down at Deimos when he got his answer.
"For only an hour..."
Deimos groaned. Hank would be home by five, so that meant they weren't even starting yet...
He began sobbing. "...We're gonna die Sanford..."
Sanford said nothing, not honestly sure whether or not Deimos was right. If that movie was going to shut Damion up, then it was fine by him.
But then, his worst fears were realized.
Damion stopped the movie and began walking towards the two of them. Sanford groaned.
"What do you want now Damion...?"
Damion picked up a large basketball he left lying in his box full of toys.
"No Damion. I am NOT letting you play with that thing in here." Sanford ordered.
Damion shook his head. "I wanna play at the park uncle!"
Sanford sat there, thinking to himself about whether or not it would be a good idea to actually go outside. Damion could be running out of the door one second, and the next, he could be road-kill. Then again, Sanford and Deimos were fast reactors to that kind of stuff, so that shouldn't be a problem. Plus, if they kept an eye out for him the whole time they were outdoors, then they could kill a lot of time without doing practically anything.
Sanford nodded, letting his positive side take over. "Okay. We'll get ourselves ready."
Damion squealed in joy and ran into his room, picking out the clothes he would wear. The fact that he wasn't potty-trained, but could wear his clothes without any help fascinated Sanford.
Sanford turned back to Deimos, still on the floor. "Come on man, we're going to the park."
"Will there be any toilets there?" Deimos questioned with caution.
Sanford rolled his eyes at Deimos's toilet-phobia. "Not that I'm concerned of."
Deimos slowly got up, wiping off the dust from his shirt. "God I hope you've made the right call on this one Sanford. I really can't take any more of that kid."
Sanford pushed himself into a standing position. "You're not the only one Deimos. I think I suffered the worst of it." he returned, showing Deimos his bleeding hand.
Deimos held Damion's hand to make sure he wouldn't escape and run off somewhere. Damion was holding his basketball while Sanford walked next to Deimos, taking in the serene scenery around him. It was a nice, warm day, with the occasional cool breeze drifting through their hairs. In fact, Sanford could've really enjoyed today if he didn't have to take that bundle of death with him and his partner.
After finally making it to the park, Damion began running to the jungle gym nearby. Sanford and Deimos sat down on a bench, watching Damion's every move. The duo had disguised themselves with completely different outfits to make sure nobody would spot them. After all, if you see two grown men walking down the street with a child, no mother in sight, what is the first thing that comes into your head about them?
Sanford shifted uncomfortably on his seat. "Damn it, how the hell can you actually live with these stupid skinny jeans! They're killing me!"
Deimos shrugged, pulling out a cigarette and a lighter. "You get used to it after a while."
There was a few seconds of silence. The only thing that could be heard between the two of them was Deimos clicking his lighter and puffing out smoke. Finally, Sanford started another conversation.
"You know, I heard that skinny jeans kills your sperm cells." Sanford instructed.
Deimos chuckled. "Listen, I don't really care. There's no way in hell I'm having a second child after the stunts Damion just pulled off on us today."
Sanford nodded in agreement. "Amen to that."
More silence. It was strange; they were never this quiet with each other before. Usually, they would be either arguing or talking about the day's events. But now, it seemed like Damion had literally sucked out the energy from the both of them.
This time, it was Deimos who broke the silence.
"You know what's pretty funny Sanford?"
"You married that Mellissa girl, right? Mellissa Evanson? That same woman we saved from the factory rigged with explosives five years ago with Hank?"
"Clearly Deimos, I did."
"But Hank married Cathy, who he saved from the fake raping, correct?"
"Just get to the point."
Deimos pulled out his cigarette, holding it with two fingers. "All I'm saying is that don't you think it's beyond coincidence that you two got together with people that you saved from the A.A.H.W.?"
Sanford looked down at his shoes. He had never thought of it that way. Was it really an accident that things turned out this way? Or is there really some divine power out there that planned this all out by fate?
Shaking his head, he replied, "Deimos, it doesn't really matter anymore, I guess. Life can be a bitch sometimes, but I think everything turned out pretty good in end."
Deimos stuck the cigarette back into his mouth. This was the only time he could smoke, since Mary was pregnant with their child and it would be too risky to do it back at home. He grinned.
"Amen to that." copying Sanford's statement from earlier.
Sanford looked at Deimos with an annoyed look on his face. "That's my line bro."
"Oh well. Should've copyrighted it then." Deimos calmly defended.
Sanford angrily sighed. He felt his head droop along with his eyes. Just before Sanford would fall asleep, he heard Deimos yell out to him.
"Look out Sanford!"
Sanford shot his head back up just before Damion's basketball made contact with his face. As the rubber ball bounced off, he fell to the ground with a furious facial expression.
Deimos went down on one knee as everyone else around them stared in shock.
"You okay?" Deimos asked worriedly.
Sanford's frown sagged even lower. "It's official. I hate that kid."
Deimos laughed when Sanford rubbed his reddened face. He saw Damion run up to them and pick up his ball.
"Sorry Uncle!" Damion apologized.
Sanford waved him off, still trying to regain his vision. Deimos stuck out a hand and pulled him up. When Sanford finally got a hold of himself, he glanced back up at the jungle gym.
"I swear to God, I don't know how the hell Hank and Cathy manage to take care of that pest." he said under his breath.
Deimos stuck his hands in his pockets. "Don't worry dude. It's only for another couple of hours."
Sanford grunted. "Yeah. Only another couple of hours..."
Sanford began turning his head frantically. Deimos noticed his actions.
"Holy shit." Sanford blurted out.
"What's the matter?" Deimos questioned.
"Where the fuck is Damion?"
Deimos turned around and also began scanning the environment for any sign of Hank's son. His eyes widened when he couldn't find him either.
Deimos did a face-palm. "Crap! Where the hell did he go!?"
Sanford suddenly heard someone behind them curse out loud.
"What the fuck!?"
The two men turned around and saw five large, muscular men standing down a rocky road. One of them was holding a basketball in his left hand, and Damion in his right. Deimos gulped.
The man holding Damion lifted the youth up even higher to meet him face-to-face. "You just threw that at me, didn't you?"
Damion laughed, clapping his hands. He must've thought the man was playing a game with him, just like Deimos did.
The man growled. "Oh so you think it's funny now, don't you? Well alright! We're playing a new game! It's called: 'How Hard Can I Bust Your Little Skull In'!"
Before he raised his right fist, Sanford and Deimos confronted the gang. Nobody could recognize either of them because of their disguises.
"Hey. He's ours." Sanford stated with some sharpness in his voice.
Dropping Damion and the ball, the man squinted at Sanford and Deimos. Damion ran back to his babysitters, not knowing what would spark because of him.
"You both seem awfully familiar. Do I know you?" the man said, still not figuring out that he was in front of Sanford and Deimos.
Deimos's pupils shrank. "N-no! This is the first time we met."
Although he didn't notice Deimos's slip-up, he accepted his answer. "You two punks better watch your kid. This little faggot nearly got his ass whooped by me."
Sanford gritted his teeth. "Well, you should watch your mouth. We'll whip your asses if you call him that again."
The man laughed heartily. "Did you hear that? These two fags think they can take us down!"
His comrades began laughing with him as well. Then, as soon as he stopped, the laughter died out. The man's face morphed into a much more serious one.
"For your information, it's two versus five. And I'm pretty sure there's a big difference there if you two were smart enough to pass first-grade math."
Sanford chuckled as Deimos threw out his cigarette. They were attracting a lot of attention now, and it was obvious that a fight was about to start.
Sanford cracked his knuckles. "Let's see if that really does make a big difference then, shall we?"
Deimos nodded. He stomped on his smoke before it would start a fire. "I call the three of them on the left. You get the two big fries."
Sanford smirked. "Deal."
The five men dashed at Sanford and Deimos at a furious speed. Deimos sent two punches straight at the third man's face, making him go flying backwards into a tree. Then, he flipped upwards, knocking the fourth man into the air, and as he came back down on his feet, he sent another punch when the man came back down to the ground. The fifth man came with caution, dodging to the side from Deimos's left fist, but was blocked when he attempted to make his own counter-attack. Deimos grabbed his arm, flipped him backwards, and kicked him in his right side, cracking a few ribs.
As Deimos did so, Sanford jumped to his left, dodging one punch from the second man, and jumped back to his right to dodge a kick from the first. Sanford went down and swept his leg outwards in a circular motion as he balanced on the ground with both hands, knocking the second man off his feet. Sanford rolled backwards when he saw the first man make a hammer-fist straight down at the crown of his head, jumped back up and sent an uppercut to his jaw. Finally, Sanford ended it with a back-fist, making the first man stumble back and fall to the ground on his back, defeated.
Sanford sighed and shook his head. "You know, for a bunch of tough-guys, you five went down faster than a rock. It's actually kind of disappointing."
Deimos leaned back, rolling his head around his neck. He heard some sirens coming from the distance. Somebody must've called the police up for domestic violence!
"Shit! Sanford! Let's get the hell out of here! The cops are after us!" Deimos shouted loud enough for all the people around them to hear.
Sanford picked up Damion and knocked the back of Deimos's head. "Great job Deimos! Now you just broadcasted my name!"
As they ran out of the park, Deimos faced Sanford, pointing at him accusingly. "Hey! So did you!"
Sanford turned red in embarrassment, realizing Deimos was right. "J-just shut up and run faster!"
The first man moaned in pain. He tried to stand back up, but his head was ringing violently. He suddenly realized what Sanford and Deimos just said and why they seemed so familiar at first.
"Sanford and Deimos...? Ah, fuck my life..." he muttered, hitting the ground once more.
Sanford opened the door to Hank's house. Deimos dropped Damion, putting his hands on his knees, gasping for air because of the weight he had to carry as they both rushed home.
"Jebus...that kid must weigh two-hundred pounds...what the hell is he eating!?" Deimos said between large inhales.
Sanford turned to Deimos. "Chocolate milk."
The two of them turned back to Damion, who was fast asleep on the couch. They both sweat-dropped at the sight.
Deimos grinned. "Well, we did it. It'll probably take Hank and Cathy another hour or so until they get back."
Sanford returned back the smile. "Yeah. What a day."
Deimos stretched out his arms, yawning. "You know, I actually had fun taking care of the kid. I mean, aside from the fact that I had crap blasted all over my face from the ceiling, it was okay, I guess. In fact, I wouldn't mind doing it sometime again."
Sanford leaned on the wall behind him. "I will agree on you with one thing: it was pretty enjoyable, or at least better than sitting down and doing nothing, but I definitely wouldn't want to do this again anytime soon."
Deimos nodded. He fell back onto the carpet beneath his feet and closed his eyes. Sanford watched him in disbelief.
"Are you really trying to fall asleep now!?"
Deimos put his arms behind his head. "Hell yeah I am. I'm so goddamn tired that ain't nobody gonna stop me."
Sanford shook his head. He began yawning himself. Sanford looked back down at Deimos, who was peacefully sleeping on the floor. Although it was pretty ridiculous, Sanford realized that he could spare probably a few minutes of rest too.
Sanford laid back on the recliner in front of the TV, closing his eyes. Sure enough, he found himself sound asleep as well.
'Ding dong!' the front bell rang.
Sanford rubbed his face. He looked at the clock in front of him, his eyes widening.
Sleep had killed off the last two hours they had ever since Damion fell asleep.
Cursing himself loudly, he kicked Deimos in the ass. Deimos woke up instantly, yelping from pain and grasping his backside.
"Agh! What the hell was that for!?" Deimos shouted.
Sanford pointed to the electronic clock underneath the television. Deimos saw it and slapped himself awake.
'Ding dong! Ding dong! Ding dong! 'the bell rang violently again.
Sanford straightened himself out and walked to the door. He opened it only to find Hank wheezing with almost ten large shopping bags on himself.
Hank fell forward, dropping the clothes with him. Sanford and Deimos blinked when they saw Cathy happily jump over Hank like a hurdle.
"We're home!" she shouted out loud.
Damion quickly sat up, like a dog realizing his owner had just returned from a long journey. Damion ran to his mother, hugging her with all the strength he had.
"Mommy! Daddy! I missed you!" he said gleefully.
Deimos twitched the corner of his right eye and put a hand to whisper in Sanford's ear, "Pfft. The kid's an angel only when his parents are around."
Sanford sighed. "Just be glad it's all over man."
Cathy put down her son and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "We missed you too honey! Were you good to your uncles?"
Damion nodded. Sanford almost gagged, trying not to overreact at how Damion responded to that question.
Damion looked down at his father. "What's wrong with daddy?"
Cathy glanced down at her husband, blushing. "Don't worry. Daddy's just tired."
Sanford and Deimos took off the bags crushing Hank and pulled him out of the pile. Deimos grabbed Hank by the shoulders shaking him.
"Speak to me man! Don't tell me that you died just yet! Because I forgot to ask for some more stuff!" Deimos begged jokingly.
Hank grasped Deimos from his sides, lifted him up, and put him down like a child. Deimos and Sanford gaped at Hank's strength.
"Deimos. Don't do that again." Hank warned.
Deimos gave a thumbs-up shakily. "Y-you got it..."
Hank shook his head. "Damn. It was a nightmare. How was it for you two?"
"It was awf-mmpfh!" Deimos answered until he was stopped by Sanford's palm muffling his mouth in mid-sentence.
"It was great! We had no problems with Damion what-so-ever!" Sanford finished for Deimos, glaring at him. Deimos followed Sanford's lead, knowing that their screw-ups could cause them their rewards.
Hank pulled up his goggles, narrowing his eyes at Sanford. "You sure?"
Sanford felt some sweat go down the side of his head. God, he hated it when Hank did that.
"Y-yeah! It was a breeze!"
Hank stared at Sanford for a few more seconds, but then pulled his headgear back down.
"Alright then. Let me go get my wallet after I relax for a few minutes."
Sanford and Deimos watched as Hank walked over to the recliner. He sat down, not sure why the seat was so warm (since he didn't know that Sanford had napped on there for two hours), but shrugged it off. Hank turned on the TV.
"Well, let's see what's on the news now." Hank said to himself as Damion blabbered on about how much fun he had to Cathy.
Deimos's eyes widened, when he realized that the top headline could be the two of them fighting off that gang of men. He whispered his thoughts to Sanford, who also became suddenly nervous. Sanford's eyes began tracing the environment around him and stopped.
The window nearby suddenly seemed more attractive than usual...
Hank continued to flick through channels until he stopped on the local Nevadan news station. Just as Deimos predicted, the brawl at the park was the number one story streaming through the media.
As Hank listened on to the reporter with the headline "Madness in the Park" labeled underneath the amateur video clip taken by a witness who saw the fight, Damion stood up on the couch.
"Look! Uncle Sanford and Uncle Deimos are on TV!"
Cathy said nothing as she stared at the screen until Hank muted the channel. He slowly turned to Sanford and Deimos, whom were trying to squeeze through the window.
"...Get through you idiot!" Sanford whispered to Deimos as he pushed his ass through the window.
"I'm trying!" Deimos uttered back.
Sanford turned back to Hank with a nervous grin on his face as Deimos popped through the opening.
"H-hey Hank, what's up...?"
Hank continued to stare at him. Then, he began cracking his knuckles. Sanford gulped.
"So-o-o-o-o...does that mean we don't get our hundred bucks...?" Sanford asked nicely.
Hank shook his head. Just before he was going to say something back, Damion broke into their conversation.
"Daddy! I learned a new word from the big man in the park today!"
Sanford's eyes widened, knowing that Damion never said anything that would benefit either him or Deimos. Hank and Cathy turned to their son, interested.
"...The big man called me a 'FAGGOT'!" Damion stated proudly.
Cathy covered her mouth in shock as Hank stared at him wide-eyed. Now, instead of an expressionless face, he glared at Sanford and Deimos (whom already crawled through the window during this distraction) with a level of anger they never saw before.
"THAT'S IT! YOU'RE BOTH SCREWED!" Hank shouted to them.
Sanford took a step back. "Oh shit! We better go Deimos!"
Not hearing a response, Sanford turned to his side. But Deimos was already gone.
"RUN SANFORD! RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE!" Deimos hollered behind him. He had already covered almost a hundred meters in a matter of seconds, and counting.
Sanford stared at the insane speed Deimos dashed off at. Suddenly, he heard the front door burst open a few feet away from him. Hank came out, angry as hell, with a large, thick stick of wood in his hands. Sanford's eyes widened as he began following Deimos with a sprint.
"Deimos! Wait up! I don't want to die alone!" Sanford shouted.
"SCREW THAT SANFORD! I'M TOO PRETTY TO DIE!" Deimos called back.
Hank gritted his teeth and chased after the two of them.
"GET BACK HERE SO I CAN KICK YOUR ASSES!"
People began watching from the sidelines as the three of them dashed off to who knows where. Cathy sighed, knowing that the cameras people began pulling out meant that the news had another story to cover now.
She turned back to Damion, who was grinning widely on the couch. Cathy picked Damion up and pointed a finger at him.
"Don't use that word Damion. It's a no-no word. Mommy doesn't like people who talk like that." she instructed.
Damion pointed back at her. "You're a faggot mommy!"
Cathy felt her head drop.
Looks like Sesame Street isn't gonna help this time...
Madness Combat Characters (C) Krinkels
Other OC's/ Names for Characters by Me (Spirit9871)
"Sesame Street" by PBS
A/N: Alright! So that ends this strangely long two-shot. Oh well! I hope you guys liked it, because I've been working all night on this piece!
Obviously, there are no Reviewers' Credit here since this is not a Multi-Chaptered story, so instead, I'm skipping to a short Special Thanks segment.
DodgeStreaker: For pushing me into finishing this thing so I can get back to "Hank's Legacy: A Madness Combat Fanfiction"! Sorry for this being a bit late though. Had to work on homework and some last-minute edits.
Sacrom574: For being into the idea from the start!
You: Well, duh, of course you! Thanks for reading this and I hope it was worth your time!
And that's that. For moar Madness, check out my forum and community on "The Madness Combat Fanfiction Revolution" (links are on my profile)! I'm gonna get back to Hank's Legacy, so don't worry, it's not ending there. In fact, it is just beginning.
Like I said at the beginning of Part One, this is a short treat I wanna give you all for your great support! Keep it up guys, and there's more where this came from!
Nothing else to say, but thank you all! You're still awesome (as always)!
I hope you enjoyed "Babysitting Damion", and I'll see you guys later!