She came up on stage, my heart getting tighter and tighter. She smiled to the audience in a way that showed her as she truly is: a sweet, shy girl who has passion in her dreams more than anything else in the world. That smile that got me since the first time she got up on that stage. "You have such a cute face, and you're really likable" I remember saying right after her first audition. From that day I could've sworn she would win the whole thing, that I wouldn't even have to worry about it, but there I was. And there she was, and behind that wonderful smile I knew that she was scared for her life.

She started singing the song she chose for the sing off, and I honestly had no idea what it would be. And it clicked me, the second her eyes found mine through the song, this meant way worse than leaving the competition. This meant leaving me.

Then I realized that the fact that I was still her mentor would bring all the cameras to my face, so I tried to show no emotion, holding her passionate gaze as she pronounced

"And so I have to say before I go,

that I just want you to know

I found the reason for me

to change who I used to be,

The reason to start over new.

And the reason is

You"

It was almost a "goodbye".

It all made sense. The lyrics, I mean. They brought to my mind the times we argued, the whole change I made her go through, that she didn't really like in the beginning, and through all the judgments, she still rooted for me. She trusted me, even though I wasn't always entirely right about what to do sometimes.

I was the reason. It was a "goodbye", but it was also a "thank you, for everything".

I couldn't help but feel guilty after all the judgment I got myself for changing her style, it left me thinking if I was also the reason she was leaving. That was the most painful thing. I was the reason.

Paige did a good performance, of course, but I couldn't pay attention to it. The words Jennel said still sinking in my mind. "What did I do?" I asked myself over and over again.

Then there she was again, on stage, holding hands with Paige, praying for her destiny, and still managing to stay mature about it.

L.A. and Britney sent Jennel home with few, painful words. The decision was in Simon's hands.

"No, I'm not going to, I'm gonna let Demi go" he argued, sitting back and crossing his arms. And he got what he wanted, of course. He's the boss.

I don't remember being more angry with him than I was at the moment.

"Demi, please give the name of the act that you're sending home tonight"

I couldn't even think straight, I felt like I wasn't in position to judge, considering the history I had with Jennel, and I didn't even considered Paige's performance.

"The act that I'm sending home tonight is…" I couldn't even look at them. It just wasn't fair. Simon knew that. "Why don't we see from Simon first cause he was suppose to go?!"

"Demi, Demi, Demi! These are people's careers, lives with dealing with here. We can't prolong it any longer. We really need an answer on who you're sending home tonight" said Mario, even more impatient.

I looked up to her again. She seemed upset. That was what made me feel even guiltier. I couldn't let her go. I couldn't because that meant disappointed her; it meant not seeing her again until that damn competition was over. That meant no more sneaking out of rehearsals for frozen yogurt, and hugging, and fooling around. That meant no more inside jokes, no more deep conversations, no more looking into her eyes from up close, that meant no more taking her breath away with kisses. That meant no more Jennel.

"The act that I'm sending home is Paige". I said finally. Only to realize it was all on Simon's hands once again. And I was praying, harder than I ever did that he had the good sense of vote for Paige to go home so Jennel could have the chance to stay. For her dreams. For me.

That didn't do. Simon couldn't be crueler. I'm sure he did it just to rub it on my face that she was leaving because I changed her style and he didn't like it. He always had to be superior, and I didn't really care. He owned the show, he really was superior. But he didn't have the right to be that unfair. I mentored them both, and I knew as much as everyone else did that Jennel had more talent, confidence, and charm than any other contestant in the competition. She was perfect. She shined, and I was really proud of her.

I had my head in between my hands, looking down, avoiding the looks of everyone for a few moments.

Jennel was wordless after all that. Standing tall and a little bit shaky, she said

"I'm just happy that I've come so far…"

"Is there anything you want to say to Demi?" asked Khloe.

"Thank you" she said, looking directly in my eyes. I wondered if she could see the tears that were messing up my vision. "Thank you" she repeated, and I knew she didn't have the strength to say anything else in front of all those people.

I could see her emotions coming up to her face as the playing of her moments on The X Factor started. She was about to cry. I wasn't suppose to go on stage, but fuck that. The girl I love just had all her dreams crushed; I couldn't just sit and watch that.

So I hugged her tightly. Her tiny body shaking against mine as she cried, and I cried with her.

"It's okay, you'll be okay, I'm still here, I'm right here" I whispered into her curly hair, feeling her sweet scent for what I knew it would be one of the last moments with her for a long time.

Then the flashback ended and we had to dry out our tears for the cameras. Still I held her hand and her arm tightly.

"I just think you're so unbelievably talented, and you have a future ahead of you, so I'm not worried" I said looking into her eyes as if we were alone, and for a moment I forgot we weren't "That I love you, and I really, really believe in you" I finished, and felt her hand holding even tighter. I think I was never as certain of something I've said as I was at that moment.

The show went on, and I could see her mind was still confused and upset.

"I'm really pissed, this is not over" I whispered to her, while we were still on stage.

"I'm sorry, I really thought it was possible…" she started.

"You don't have to apologize. Just promise me you'll be strong"

She nodded.

"I will try" she said.

Then the show was over. Demi and I went trough the press separately backstage. I answered all the questions the same way: voice muffled from crying, trying to smile a little bit, being honest with fewer words. The dream had come to an end and I had to accept that. Maybe this wasn't for me, maybe The X Factor was only for "pop stars" and I'd have to make my own rock n' roll career outside of it. Maybe it was for the best.

Still, I couldn't help but feel miserable. Demi really showed how upset she was behind the cameras, and I was afraid I had upset her, that I didn't try hard enough, that I didn't follow the script or something.

We needed a moment for ourselves, just the two of us, and we knew that because we kept making eye contact afar from each other while giving short interviews. I wondered if she got the message with my last song on the show. If she knew how grateful I was for her and all that she had given me (advice, hope, faith in my music, confidence). That she was the reason I had changed, and I was glad I did. I remembered the way she – Demi-fucking-Lovato – looked at me as if I was the most amazing creature in the world. How she would make fun of me for being the only person with almost the same age as herself that was tinier than her. How she mentioned that she loved the sound of my laugh, how she made me feel beautiful, special, and loved. During the last couple of months Demi had become… everything. She wasn't just my mentor, obviously. Even though no one else knew what was going on between us the whole time, I never felt something more real. Leaving her would be way more painful than leaving the competition.

The anxiety was taking over me until we could finally be alone in her dressing room (I shared mine with all the other contestants, so that wouldn't do).

She locked the door behind me as soon as I walked in, and took my face in between her hands. I felt the tears running down her face as she kissed me. Her lips were shaky, and she was sobbing, but she wouldn't let me step back.

I held her tightly by the waste, starting to cry again. While kissing her passionately, mixing my tears with hers, I realized this could be our last moment. It was the kind of kiss that hurts and doesn't let you stop. It was a goodbye kiss. Her lips, always calm and delicate, were bittersweet. I could tell she was feeling the same mixed emotions as I was.

After a few minutes we calmed breaths and heartbeats a little bit, with our eyes still closed and our foreheads against each other.

Then she put my back against the locked door behind me, I held her arms while she was still holding my cheeks, and we looked into each other's eyes.

"You did all you could" Demi muttered, "I'm sorry if I messed -"

"Don't say that, it's not your fault" I interrupted "You did all you could do, you fought for me" I smiled a bit, which made her draw a little smile too. We stared at each other for long seconds. Her red lipstick had faded a little from her lips and I was sure my own lips had that same color by then. She seemed to realize that as well, and, with a slight laugh, she wiped the corners of my mouth with her thumb, and we kissed again briefly, with no tears, just enjoying the moment.

"I'll miss you so much" she said, putting her arms around my body.

"Me too. I love you, Demi. And I wish I could say that out loud to the world as you did tonight" the words came out of my mouth before I could stop them. That was the first time I told her I love her. My head started to hurt when I realized this could also be the last time. I stroked her brown hair, watching closely as the pure glow in her eyes got even more intense, a large, beautiful grin raising her cheeks.

"You don't have to shout it to the universe, just say it again so I can be sure I'm not dreaming" she said, as happy as I'd ever seen her.

"I love you" I repeated, touching softly the dimples on her face. "I really, really love you".

One hour. That's all we had to ourselves before she had o leave my dressing room, get back to the mansion and pack.

"Promise we'll keep in touch" she asked, grabbing my hand one last time.

"Of course" I responded almost inaudibly, kissing her forehead before unlocking the door to let her leave. And so she did.