Dear Ricky,

I love you, please know that. And please know that I wouldn't leave if I didn't think this was necessary, I can't bring myself to ruin your life due to my own stupidity, I love you far too much for that.

Please don't think of this as me breaking up with you because you've done something to me, messed up or otherwise. This is what I have to do.

There's no one else, I'm not running off with anyone, and I never cheated on you or anything like that I swear.

I would never leave you if I didn't absolutely have to.

I love you. I'm sorry.

-Amy

Ricky

I stared down at the letter I found on my couch, where Amy said she would be sitting. What just happened? I don't understand. Where did she go? Out of town? Out of state?

I looked around, my mind racing my heart thumping, pounding the blood against my ears so hard I felt my head might explode.

She couldn't have left. Truly left me. But she did and I might never see her again.

Amy. My Amy. My beautiful, smart, funny Amy. All long lightly tanned legs, small waist, big hazel eyes and light long silky brown hair.

Amy

I've just left Ricky. My Ricky. But I know my Ricky and he can't handle a baby, I can't handle a baby and my mom and dad can't handle me having a baby either, and they don't want me being tied to Ricky my entire life, they never liked him.

They said this was what was best for everyone. The baby. Me. Ricky.

When I found out I was pregnant I didn't know what to do. How to tell Ricky. We had been so careful! I should have gone on the pill. I knew condoms weren't one hundred percent effective every time but we always used them and I didn't think I'd be the part of the percent they didn't work for.

I told my mom first and she wasn't too pleased, but she was more worried about Ricky always being around than she was about the fact I'm bringing a new life into this world.

My father was no better and they decided amongst themselves that I would leave and stay with my grandmother, Mimzy, up state. They told me not to tell Ricky, that it was best for him if he never knew and that I should just forget about him. That first love never lasts anyway.

Now I'm in the car, my mother in the driver's seat, some song on the radio I couldn't be bothered to listen to, leaving my heart back home, with Ricky and his broken one.

My name is Amy Jurgens, I'm 17 and I'm pregnant.

Ricky

I pull up to the Jurgens house praying Amy will be there and this was all a big joke. Something not funny at all but totally and completely untrue.

I knock on the door quickly and more times than necessary but I need to see her, to know everythings okay.

"Ricky." George greets me stiffly.

"Where's Amy?" I ask.

"She's not here." His voice is strong, gruff and even. His hatred for me is more so than usual, almost radiating off him in waves of supressed rage.

"Well where is she?" I ask. Where the hell is she?

"She's gone and away from you. That's all you need to know and that's all I'm telling you. She's better off away from you." He says starting to close the door but I block it with my foot.

"What did I do?" I'm pleading now, racking my brain for something, anything that I could have done to make her leave. Leave me. Us.

"Nothing you need to know about. You and my daughter are over. Move on, you're young, you got all the time in the world for love and marriage and babies and whatever the hell else comes with the future but the point of future is that its future. Not for a long time and not until you're ready. But you're not and neither is Amy. Now leave. There's nothing here for you anymore." He says pushing me away from the door and slamming it in my face.

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I lay in bed, Amy's note in hand and staring up at the dark ceiling above my bed. I keep replaying talking to George at Amy's house.

His hostility towards me had been getting so much better lately; I even started thinking he was beginning to like me. Now he just hates me again. He hates me a lot and I have no idea why.

She's just gone. I called Madison and Lauren. Neither of them new Amy was leaving, Lauren even yelled at me, saying Amy wouldn't leave without telling her. Wait till she sees Amy's not at school on Monday.

All I can do is think of Amy as my eyelids slowly get heavier and I succumb to sleep.

Amy

"It's alright Amy! It's going to be okay! Just breathe in and out! You can do it! One more push!" My mother says as I clutch her hand tightly. I give one final push, screaming in pain and then I hear a high pitched cry. And it's loud but it's beautiful and it's wonderful and it's perfect.

"It's a boy." I hear the doctor say. It's a boy. I have a son. I wonder if Ricky would be happy we had a boy or maybe he would have liked a girl. I'm sure he would have loved our baby either way, I don't care what my parents say, Ricky would have loved our baby. Our son.

The doctor places my baby in my arms. He's swaddled in blue and he's already falling asleep. He looks like Ricky. But maybe I only think that because I want him to look like Ricky. Usually babies just look like babies but I'm certain he looks like Ricky.

I rack my brain for boy names. I had a bunch before but now I don't have any that come to mind.

"Oh Amy he's beautiful." My mother says, she's smiling, proud, and loving at the sleeping baby in my arms. I'm so tired, I didn't even realize how tired.

"Can you take him?" I ask. She nods taking him from me. I smile as I see he doesn't stir or wake in the trade off. "I love you," I whisper to the baby in my mother's arms, my baby, as I fall asleep, sleep taking me in.

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"So what are you going to name this little guy?" My mom asks after I wake up.

"I'm not sure, I was thinking a few names, I like Christian, Benjamin, Mason…" I say though I'm not sure which sounds right.

"I think Christian is a lovely name." My mother says as she strokes the baby's head with the pad of her thumb.

"So do I. Christian Richard Jurgens, I love you so much."

(Author's Note: I never liked the name John for their baby so I changed it! John just seemed so plain and ordinary…. I like this much better.)

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"Mom! I don't know what to do! He won't stop crying! He hates me! I fed him, changed him, burped him, sang to him, checked for fever, for any sign that anything's wrong and there isn't! He just hates me!" I scream over Christians non-stop wailing.

"Amy he doesn't hate you. Sometimes babies just cry. They cry for no reason and you have to just lay him down and let him tucker himself out." She says calmly.

"But he sounds so sad." I say quietly.

"I know Ames but he's fine I promise. Just go lay him down in the crib and shut off the lights, he'll fall asleep after a while." She says gently.

"Okay." I say and walk down the hall to Christian's nursery and lay him down in his crib. He's so small it's shocking. Who knew something so small could control me so completely. His crying has already decreased, though it's still there and breaks my heart. "I love you Christian. I wish you'd stop so I wouldn't feel like you're dying but apparently babies don't do everything you ask them. Who knew?" I ask jokingly, more to myself than my infant son. "Sleep tight baby." I whisper, his crying already becoming small sniffles and wails, far apart and between each other.

I walk out or the room, leaving the door open a crack and shutting off the light.

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"Christian! Smile!" I giggle at my three year old. Oh he's so precious, I ruffle his deep brown locks, his big chocolate eyes an exact mirror of Ricky's. I haven't seen Ricky for almost four years, when I found out I was pregnant I was only a couple months along. Now our son, Christian Richard Jurgens though in my mind I think Underwood every time I think of his name.

"Mommy!" he giggles back. Oh he's so gorgeous. I hold the camera out in front of us, using my free arm I wrap it around him small shoulders and his soft cheek. He's laughing furiously, and it's the sweetest sound. Happy and free and loved. Everything he is and everything I could ever want him to be.

"Okay I got my picture, now we can go play." I tell him and he bolts away from me, as fast as his little legs can take him.

I run after him, swooping him up and kissing his cheek again as I run with him in my arms and place him on the swingset.

"Ready?" I ask him, he giggles again in response and I push the seat up into the air.

"Under duck! Under duck!" he commands me.

"One, two, three!" I say as I push the swing up high into the air and run beneath it. He swings on the swing without being pushed, clumsily kicking his legs about in the air, laughing the whole time. "I'm just going to sit right on our blanket, I'm right there watching okay?" he nods and I go to take my seat.

I'm sitting on a checkered picnic blanket at the park. I drove down to Valley Glen to visit my parents. Christian and I still live with Mimzy and I go to a community college nearby. I haven't been back since well, since I left. I remember going to this park when I was little, they've upgraded the play equipment over the years but it's still the same.

I smile as I watch Christian playing on the swings, finally finding a steady rhythm at which to propel himself higher and higher into the air. I see a little girl with long braided blond hair in a baby blue dress taking a seat in the swing beside Christian, I watch as they talk as little kids do, happy and free and completely un-awkward.

"Amy?" I hear a voice ask, I recognize the voice, it's deep but not too deep, it's smooth and velvety and warm. I turn to see a man standing before me in an expensive tailored suit. It's crisp black and designer, a coal gray tie rapped round his neck resting on a crisp black shirt.

It's a lot of dark colour for sunny California, it's odd, as nice as the clothes might be. I look at his face, thick chestnut hair and deep chocolate eyes, strong jaw with a slight stubble and slightly pale skin, though not too pale. He's aged and handsome and Ricky.

I'm gaping, a fish out of water, not just at his beauty but at the shock of seeing him. Here. I would have assumed he'd be in college or anywhere else but a park.

I don't know what I should do, I left him, he probably hates me, oh god where's Christian? He can't know I have a child, a child that looks like him.

I look back at the swings where Christian is still swinging and talking to the little girl, she's staring at my son as he says something, nodding at everything he says. Oh and another girl falls at the Underwood feet. Shocker. And this one's only three.

I turn back to Ricky and go with the option of wounding him, the more he's hurt, the quicker he'll leave, it's the only way, it's better this way.

"I'm sorry?" I ask, putting a confused look on my face.

"You don't know who I am?" his heartbroken voice matches his face, it takes all my strength not to burst into tears and wrap him in my arms but I can't break now.

"I'm sorry no." I give him a sheepish smile and a small shrug of my shoulders before standing. "I have to go, it was nice to meet you." And with that I turn away, walking toward my son.

"Christian." I call over and he turns his head over to me.

"Hi Mommy" he greets sweetly.

"Time to go, say your goodbyes." I tell him. We are leaving. Now. I look back over to where I came, my blanket and purse still sitting untouched and Ricky gone. Okay good.

After Christian breaks the poor little girls heart, we're all packed up and in the car, headed back to my parents.

I notice a shiny black Escalade following us since we were at the park, but I ignore my suspicions thinking I'm just being paranoid.

I pull up to my parents house, it looks the same as it always has and I realize now after first seeing it this morning when we got here that I've missed it.

"Why'd we have to weave so earwy?" Christian asks as we walk to the front door.

"I uh.." I stall, thinking, "I forgot I had to do something here but I'll be real quick and then we can go get some pizza for lunch." I smile down at him, know pizza will distract him.

"Yay!" he jumps up and down excitedly, "can we get da meaty one?" He loves his meat.

"Of course!" I giggle as I unlock the door. He runs in front of me, upstairs to my old room where he's staying. I roll my eyes and walk to the living room to watch some TV, I don't actually have anything to do so I have some time to kill.

Just as I sit down I hear a knock at the door. Ugh.. I stand smoothing down my hair and adjusting my short sleeved, plain white t-shirt that rid up as I sat on the couch.

I open the door the find Ricky on the other side. I'm stunned, deer in the head lights, nowhere to run, no where to hide. Well that's no true I could just run upstairs and hide under the- no I can't.

"Hi, can I help you?" my voice comes across shaky, I know I'm caught but I have to try.

"Amy come on." He says and he simply looks broken, tired and broken at my obvious rejection to his being here. He doesn't know, he can't know.

"Why are you here?" I ask.

"I had to see you. Why did you pretend not to know me?" he asks, sad brown eyes pleading for answer.

"It's easier this way. Look I really can't talk right now I-"

"Mommy! Are we weady ta go?" Christian calls from upstairs.

"In a minute! Make sure to take a sweater!" I call back. I look back at Ricky to see his eyes upstairs, trying to catch the origin of the voice. "Listen I can't do this now I have to-"

I'm cut off by the pounding of small feet rushing down the stairs.

"Weady to go? Who's dis?" Christian asks, jumper in hand and question on his face.

"Not yet baby and uh, this is y-ah-uh- an old friend. Can you go back upstairs and play for a minute?" he nods his head and runs back up the stairs.

I turn back to Ricky who's eyes have traveled upstairs with Christian. His eyes turn back to mine, accusatory and questioning. Oh no you don't.

"Listen it was…..interesting seeing you again but I can't do this. We're going out for pizza so…" I shrug, hoping he'll take the freaking hint.

"Amy what have you done?" he asks, eyes still sad and angry, questioning, accusing me still.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Deny, deny, deny! "As I said I'm leaving so I'll need you to as well." Pushing him away with my eyes.

"Amy you know exactly what I'm talking about. We both know you're a horrible liar." This is true.

"You don't know who I am anymore, it's been years Ricky. We were young, thought we knew what love was, it's over, and I have no idea what you're talking about." My voice is hard, to him I hope I sound angry though I'm not. I'm nervous. So nervous my heart is racing and I can feel my cheeks growing warm, my breathing staggered but I can't back down. "My son will be downstairs soon and we have to go."

"And who's his father Amy?" he asks, smirking that stupid handsome smirk.

"That is none of your concern."

"Amy come on."

"I don't have anything more to say to you. Please leave."

"Amy, I-"

"Leave, please." I say, tears fighting to come up but I force them down, as well as the sob growing in my throat.

"This isn't over." He tells me before I close the door. I turn and back up against it, sliding down to the floor. I can't let the grief swallow me.

"I'm weady Mommy!" Christian says smiling excitedly. I put a smile on my own face, not wanting him unhappy.

"Great buddy let's go!"

"Amy?" I hear a voice say from behind me.

"Yes?" I ask as I turn to see a tall, lanky man with short brown hair and a handsome face looking down at me from his tall stature.

"I'm Ben, Ben Boykewich, we went to school together before you moved." He tells me and I remember him almost instantly. I remember thinking he was cute once, before I dated Ricky, when I was only 15. Ben had certainly changed since high school, he had grown a good two feet taller, his face filled out and his thin build still thin but very lightly muscled, it's now that I realize how truly handsome he is, though not as handsome as Ricky I suppose.

"Oh yeah, Ben." I smile. "How've you been?" I ask him and motion for him to take a seat across from me. We're sitting in a Chuck-E-Cheese while Christian plays on the games and in the jungle gym play area with the other kids.

"Great actually, I'm here with my little cousin Ruby, she's right over there." he says pointing to a little girl with curly light brown hair, she couldn't be more than three and her big bright blue eyes are shimmering like the brilliant sea on a sunny day. She spots Ben and he waves at her, she waves back with a giggle of delight and runs off into the jungle gym.

"She's adorable." I say in that awe typed motherly voice.

"She is, she looks exactly like my uncles wife, thank god." He says with a laugh. I smile at him. "How are you Amy?" he asks me.

"I've been good, see that little guy over there?" I say pointing over to Christian who's playing some type of game with coloured circles he has to step on. Ben nods, "That's my son Christian." I tell him, waiting for a reaction.

"Son?" he asks, though perhaps it's more to himself than to me. "That's great, how old is he?" he asks.

I smile, a real smile, though it's small. "He's three."

"Oh that's great, Ruby just turned three as well." He smiles, then leans back in his chair with a small sigh of utter contentment. Even though I don't know him, it makes me happy that Ben Boykewich is happy. I never talked to him much, I didn't know anything about him and we seemed to run in different circles in high school but at this moment I see what a good person he is. He didn't place judge on me for clearly getting pregnant in high school and having a baby so young, he simply accepted it, feeling no need to focus on something that doesn't affect him. I wish more people were like Ben Boykewich.

After some simple chit-chat over soda's and crappy pizza it's time to leave. Ben and I exchange numbers, intending to get little Ruby and Christian playing together again soon and with that I drive with a dozing Christian in the back seat.

"Hey Ames, we've missed you around here!" My Dad says smiling before giving be a big grizzly bear hug. "Where's my little man?" He asks once he releases me and I smile up at my father.

"He's sleeping, he got real tuckered out today at the playground." I smile.

"Well he'll be nice and well rested for our man's day tomorrow." He smiles and I laugh lightly, though half-heartedly as I remember the reason my son has to bond with his grandfather and not his father.

"He'll love that Dad," I yawned "Listen I'm pretty tired too, I think I'm going to go to bed."

After a long shower I lay awake on the living room couch, staring at the ceiling. Just before sleep took me my last thoughts were of Ricky and our son.

I've been working on this for a while and it's not done yet, as some of you might know I've been writing two other fanfiction's, both for Twilight and one of them with a similar basis.

I've taken a break from them due to lack of creativity but will hopefully return to them soon.

Check them out if you haven't already! Also I have one shots for Criminal Minds and Jane By Design.

Please Review and tell me if I should continue! I have a few ideas but nothing's set in stone, I need to know people will still read this! So please, please, please review if I should continue!

Review!

Clary 3