Disclaimer: I totally own TF2. In the future.

x x x

Merasmus was sitting on his couch eating the last of his Halloween candy. It had been exactly one week since the Halloween update had ended. Everyone was walking around all pissed off because they couldn't dress like ballerina fairies anymore on the battlefield.

He had been lonely this past week because as everyone knows, all anyone in TF2 cares about is sexual relations, not wearing stupid hats and painting things lime green and leveling up stranges on idle servers.

So he opened up the phone book and fingered the pages, looking for a dating service. He found one so he picked up the phone, but his retarded giant hands that all TF2 characters have messed up and hit all the buttons and so he ended up reaching Medic's line.

Medic said some shit no one cares about and in the background was the most beautiful noise Merasmus had ever heard. It was an eloquent noise and it turned him on. His pants started to tent.

"Who is that wonderful bird in the background?" he asked himself.

Medic said some more stuff no one cares about abacuses and cargo shorts. The chirping persisted. So he hung up because he was too aroused to continue listening. His brain hurt from the lack of blood.

The next day~~~``~~uguuHetalia

The next day Merasmus was still puzzled about his feelings for the bird that came out of nowhere, almost as if some author was contriving a bad fanfic about him. His erection persisted through the night without stopping and he thought about contacting a doctor because it was more than four hours.

He knew what he had to do.

He screamed annoyingly, "MORTIS LONG DIIIIIIISTAINEEEEEESSSS!" Just like in the Harry Potter.

Then he was suddenly inside Medic's house because my attention span does not stand for things like walking.

Medic was out of town that day at an anime convention with Heavy. They were cosplaying as Naruto and Sasuke because that is my favorite anime.

So like, I think he was in his house or something. It doesn't matter. None of this matters.

He heard chirping from Medic's room, it was the same chirping from last night! He had to contain his massive boner.

When he entered the room, there was Archimedes suggestively grooming himself and shitting on the ground. But don't worry, Merasmus is into fecal play. Because I'm into fecal play.

He bolted towards where the bird was perched. He held him in his hands and whispered into his nonexistent ear, "DO YOU FIND ME PLEASING?"

Archimedes fell into his welcoming bosom. "CHIRP CHIRP," he said in a wanton voice.

Then they did lots of feminine cuddling and fell asleep watching the Lifetime channel. This movie was about a man abusing his wife and they cried a lot at it and ate ice cream and did each other's nails. And then had more sex.

Until Medic and Heavy came home and found them in their bed and so they couldn't have any sex. But actually they just did it on the floor in the kitchen. Then Heavy made himself a sandwich and I forgot what this fic was about.

Wait, okay, I'm back. Merasmus and Archimedes were afraid to share their forbidden love with the rest of Teufort because everyone else was a mean angry hateful heterosexual person who didn't like gay or black people. Then Soldier had sex with his shovel.

But then suddenly everyone burst into the room and showered them in rainbow confetti. Spy looked happily at them from where he was hanging all over Sniper like a slutty teenage girl. He said with a grin, "BONJOVI SENOR SCARY MAGICIAN, I SEE YOU HAVE JOINED OUR RANKS, AND WE WELCOME YOU WITH OPEN BUTTHOLES." Turns out all the other mercs were gay too! Happy days! Everyone else except some explosives guy whose name I can't remember because he's black and thus not shippable had a big party with parade floats because shipping TF2 characters makes everyone a yaoi social justice desu gay rights warrior.

Until the FBI came and stopped the parade because Merasmus and Archimedes were wanted for questioning in the untimely death of Demoman. To be continued.

A/N: I will give fifteen bucks to anyone who understands that last part.

SRSLY GUYS. DIS IS BEST PAIRING EVAR I WANT TO SEE MOAR OF IT.

My brother helped me with this. He's horny for bird/magician porn.