|Napoleon Dynamite's Freakin Sweet Time Traveling Adventure
Author: LivingReceiver10-31-88 PM
"Whoa Napoleon, you travelled through time?" "Heck yes I did!"Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Adventure/Humor - Words: 4,701 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Published: 11-25-12 - id: 8735462
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
"Is that yours?"
"Don't touch it, it's Uncle Rico's."
"What's it for?"
"It's a time machine, Napoleon, we bought it online."
"It works Napoleon! You don't even know."
"Have you guys tried it yet?"
Napoleon prepares the machine.
"So are you ready?"
"Yeah, hold on. I forgot to put in the crystals. Okay, turn it on."
Kip powers the machine.
"Ow, ow, uhh―kill…the…pow*―kill i*―t―ow, oh,―turn it off, turn it off Kip!"
Kip cuts the power.
"It's a piece of crap, it doesn't work!"
"Napoleon, what did you expect?" Kip sneered from just outside the kitchen.
"I don't know! Why did you even buy it if you knew it wasn't going to work!" Napoleon retorted while tending to the pain he received from the machine.
"Well the description seemed pretty convincing, and there was this cool video that went with it too."
Kip shows Napoleon the video on his computer.
"Dang! That does look pretty sweet!"
"See, I told you," Kip says with his head down, as he fumbles with the mouse cord.
Napoleon returns to the kitchen to inspect the machine once again, not ready to give up on it.
"Are you sure you put it together right?" Napoleon infers.
"Yeah Napoleon, the instructions are right there."
Napoleon picks up the instructions, but having already looked at them before, he discovers no new information and puts them back down.
"Is this everything it came with?" he continues.
"Yeah, but we had to provide the crystals."
"It didn't come with its own time crystals?"
"Napoleon, at $29.95 you can't expect it to come with precious gem stones that contort time and space."
"So what the heck did you use?"
"We borrowed some crystals from Grandma's rock collection."
"What?!" he exclaimed as he removed the crystals from the slot on the machine.
"Well what were we supposed to use?"
"These crystals are crap, of course it didn't work!" Napoleon said as he threw the crystals across the kitchen and over Kip's head.
"Jeeezz, calm down Napoleon," Kip said as he looked over his shoulder from the computer at the crystals on the ground. As he turned back, he exhaled and said, "You better clean those up, Grandma will be pretty mad if you lose any of her stuff."
"You clean them up, Kip! I didn't take them out so I could power my time machine!"
"Napoleon, you wanted to see it work as much as I did, and you threw them, so pick them up."
"Fine!" Napoleon said, as he made his way to the living room to pick up the crystals.
As he returned them to his Grandma's room, he tried to think of a better way to get the machine working. When he opened the case where his Grandma kept her rocks, he saw an emerald that reminded him of a special item he had.
"Yes, that's it!" he said as he quickly placed the crystals back and hurried to his room.
Back in the living room, Kip was in the middle of a heated online chat:
"Hi, my name is Kip Dynamite. I'm 6'2'', I have a fairly bulky build, I have a warm, witty, loving personality, and I'm a tech consultant at various large companies across the country."
"Wow, you're the complete package, aren't you ;)," Kip's online partner typed back.
"Yeah, you better believe it!"
"What do you like to do for fun?"
"Well, I like to play football, and not touch football, real football like, with tackling, and cheerleaders, and with pads and stuff, and then I'm also an avid cage fighter, I've won a few regional tournaments and I've done some international circuits too, and then when I'm just at home on my computer, I like to do some system coding, it relaxes me, you know?"
"Sounds like you have some pretty dangerous, exciting interests!"
"Yeah well, that's the way I roll. Am I the kind of person that would interest you?"
"Yeah, I think―"
"Kip! Get off the computer! I have what we need to fix the time machine," Napoleon interjected as Kip was reading the response.
"Dang it, Napoleon! Will you forget that piece of crap. I'm in the middle of an intense chat with a hot babe!"
"What's more important: chatting online or braving the unknown frontier of time travel?" as Napoleon finished this statement, he thrust his arm forward presenting a small, green, cylindrical crystal.
"What is that?" Kip inquired.
"It's a Tachyon crystal, the gateway to the worlds of the past and future," Napoleon said with prestige.
"Oh sure, Napoleon, like you have an actual Tachyon artifact, where'd you get it?"
"Shut up, Kip, it's like it's anymore dumb than your stupid time machine. And I've always had it, I've just been waiting for the perfect time to use it."
"And you really think it's going to work?"
"Of course it'll work, what the heck else are you supposed to use?" Napoleon said as he made his way back to the machine. He placed the Tachyon crystal in the slot and then sat down again, putting the machine's head band back on his head and taking up the "T" handle once more.
"Napoleon, we should just put it back in the box right now, Uncle Rico wants to return it," Kip protested from the computer.
"Kip, stop complaining and power the machine again. It's going to work this time, I know it!"
"Huuhhh, whatever," Kip said as he got up and returned to the kitchen socket, "You sure about this?"
"Absolutely, I'm ready to boldly go where no man has gone before," Napoleon said with an air of nobility.
"Okay, here goes," Kip said as he plugged the machine back in. The machine began buzzing and the handle was vibrating in his hands, but it didn't shock him like before.
"Is it working?" Kip asked.
"I don't know if it's working Kip, does it look like it's working?!" Napoleon looked down and noticed the hairs on his arm were standing up. "I think it's doing something."
He felt a tingling in his fingertips that slowly began spreading throughout his entire body. When it reached the headband, his head began shaking and his vision became blurred.
"Whoa," Napoleon said.
"Napoleon?" he heard Kip say, but he sounded farther away than he was.
"Kip, uuuhh…" he tried to turn towards Kip, but the motion made him very dizzy, so he turned back and shook his head a few times to try and clear it. "…uuh, I don't think it's workin―" he was cut off just then as time seemed to stop. Then he heard an echo of himself.
"I don't think…it's working…I don't think…it's working…I don't think…it's working…" Then he noticed the kitchen walls start to move in slightly, then return to their previous position. He looked ahead confused as the color of the room seemed to drain away and be replaced with pale blue. The walls moved in again, this time pushing out farther before retuning back. He couldn't move or speak, just sit there in a locked position staring forward. The walls moved in and out again a couple more times in quick succession, each time closing in tighter. When they came so close that Napoleon thought they might crush him, he heard an immense crackling and then the walls shot outward and disappeared in a flash of white. At some point (Napoleon wasn't sure when) the white was replaced with blackness and he could see an immense display of flashing lights. He turned his head to the side though he did it very slowly and with great difficulty as his muscles and joints felt extremely stiff. He could only see darkness and the colored lights flashing all around him. The handle was shaking so hard he could barely hold onto it, though he thought if he lost his grip he would drift away into oblivion. Suddenly, he saw a white flash with another two following soon after. He then heard a deep rumbling that seemed to come from all around him, and whiteness emerged and engulfed the black along with the lights and all was still. He then heard a small pop like a light bulb burning out followed by a light crackling like static electricity. He began to regain feeling in his body and he could see shapes forming in the whiteness. He could feel the chair at his back and the ground below his feet. He blinked rapidly to clear his vision, and though still blurry, he could make out that he was back in the kitchen.
"Aaaahhh―" he moaned as he recovered from his haze. "Dang it Kip! It didn't work," he said as he lost his grip on the handle and it clamored to the floor. As his sight cleared, he could see the time machine on the kitchen table. The slot where the crystal was placed was empty and smoking, it had evaporated. "UUUHHH! You made me waste my Tachyon crystal!" he said while turning to where Kip had been at the kitchen socket, but Kip wasn't there. "Kip, where the flip are you?" he said as he rose and removed the headband. He stepped down into the living room and noticed the computer was missing. "What the heck?" he exclaimed as he looked around and saw that nothing else was out of place. Everything was as it normally was: the walls were still made of cheap wood paneling, the TV was still in a large cabinet case, the telephone in the kitchen still had a cord that hung to the floor; everything was fine, just no computer. "Dang, what the freak is going on?"
"Grandma," he heard a timid voice say from the back of the house, "Grandma, are you home?" he heard as a young boy with glasses entered the living room. "Wait, who are you?" Napoleon nearly asked him the same thing, but as the boy stood there with a nervous look on his face, his gloomy eyes made more apparent by the glasses that encircled them, Napoleon began to gather who it might be.
"Kip? Kip, is that you?"
"Heeeyyy, how do you know my name, who are you?" the boy repeated.
"It's Napoleon you freakin idiot, why the heck do you look like that?"
"Look like what, this is how I always look," the boy replied, in as a confused a state as Napoleon was in. Looking past Napoleon, the boy pointed towards the kitchen, "What's all that junk in the kitchen?"
"It's the time machine, don't you remember, Kip?"
"Time machine? Are you from the future? Are you my son?"
"I'm not your son Kip, I'm your brother! God!"
"My brother? Wow! Have you come back to tell me something important?"
"What?" Napoleon was having a tough time grasping the situation, "Can you like, give me a minute to think or something. I can't figure this out at all!"
"Oh yeah, sure," he said as he made his way over to the couch, "Wow, a time traveling brother. He's like Doctor Who, amazing!"
This is flippin crazy! Napoleon thought to himself. I got that Tachyon crystal from a comic book ad! Those X-Ray glasses I sent for were crap, but the Tachyon crystal was real? God, they should tell you these things! He looked over at his brother, who was searching through a drawer for the TV remote. Why the heck did I end up here? I didn't want to see Kip as a kid; I wanted to be in a Medieval forest, slaying goblins and plundering their valuable treasure! Okay, let's see, I put the Tachyon crystal in the tray, I took the time travelling handle and then Kip turned on the machine. But, wait…dang it! I didn't set the time dial! Idiot! But how the heck am I supposed to know what time I've arrived at? One moment I'm in the present, and―
"And now you find yourself in '82!"
"What?!" Napoleon said as he reeled around.
"The disco hotspots hold no charm for you!" it was a music video on TV.
"What is this crap?"
"It's not crap, this is a good song!" Kip protested and he started humming along with it.
"Will you keep it down, I'm trying to think!"
Am I in 1982? Who would want to go back to the 80's, the 80's were totally lame!
"Because it's the heat of the moment," Kip sang from the couch.
"Shut up, Kip, stop singing!" Napoleon warned, as he headed back to the kitchen to check the time dial.
"Heat of the moment!"
"SHUT UP, KIP!" Napoleon picked up the box which held the Tachyon crystal and sure enough, under "desired year" it read 1982.
"The heat of the moment shone in your eyyyeeeeeees!"
"KIP, turn that crap off!" Napoleon said as he slammed the box back on the table.
"What's the matter?" Kip said as he turned it off, "you still have MTV in the future, right?"
"Yeah, but it's completely stupid now! They don't do anything that's good…Well, I guess they do produce some pretty good movies, but other than that it's crap!"
"Well, what is good in the future? Do you like, have flying cars and robots and stuff?"
"Uuuhh, not really," he looked around again noticing how unchanged the house was from the present, "Yeah, things aren't actually all that much different."
"There isn't anything that's cool?"
"Well, we have cellphones."
"Cellphones? What are those?"
"They're phones you can take with you anywhere you want, and they don't have to be connected to your house."
"Oh, you mean like a mobile phone?"
"Uuuhh, yeah I guess so. You know what those are?"
"Yeah, I heard Motorola is going to be releasing one for consumer purchase real soon."
"Oh, um, well the ones in the future also have cameras built in them, too."
"Hmm, that's cool I guess. Do you have one?"
Napoleon had made his way back into the living room by now and he turned once again to the table which, in the present, the computer had been atop; yet now there was an Atari 2600 with a plastic container full of games next to it.
"You have computers in the 80's, right?" Napoleon asked.
"Well, yeah, of course we do," Kip responded.
"But you don't have one?"
"Me? Heck no! They're like, over a thousand dollars."
"Dang it!" Napoleon stamped his foot in frustration.
"Why do you need one? Do you want to type out a special document that you then want for me to deliver to you in the future?" Kip inquired.
"What? No―Kip, where are you getting all these crazy ideas from?" Napoleon responded, slightly annoyed.
"Hey I'm just wondering why you need a computer, that's all."
Napoleon exhaled in a frustrated manner, "I just wanted to go on the internet―"
"Internet? What's that?" Kip interjected.
"Never mind Kip, let me finish!" Napoleon responded, growing even more frustrated, "I wanted to go on the internet and check what kind of fantastic events happen in 1982."
"What kind of events?" Kip asked, a bit puzzled.
"I don't know, just something amazing that you could only see if you had lived in 1982."
"If you had lived right now? Hmm, let me think," Kip said, with his thumb and pointer to his chin, "Well, there was Lawnchair Larry," Kip offered.
"He was this guy who flew around in a lawn chair attached to a bunch of weather balloons."
"Uh, okay, when does that happen?" Napoleon asked, not too thrilled about the idea.
"It was a couple months ago."
"Kip, how am I supposed to see something if it already happened?"
"Well, jeez, can't you just use the time machine?"
"No Kip, I can't! Not unless you have a spare Tachyon crystal lying around."
"Yeah right, like I have an actual Tachyon artifact."
"Shut up, Kip, don't start that again!"
"Start what?" Kip asked confusedly.
"Oh―never mind. Can't you think of anything better than some guy in a lawn chair that hasn't happened yet?"
"How am I supposed to know what hasn't happened yet?"
"God, you're a freaking idiot!" Napoleon exclaimed, just now coming to the realization that Kip was right. Only he knew the future, yet he couldn't think of anything noteworthy which had happened in 1982. Napoleon walked over to the window on the opposite wall and peered out to the familiar view in front of the house, though in a different time. What wonders, if any, lay in store for him? "Dang, just what the heck am I supposed to do here, anyway?"
"Beats me," Kip said from the couch as he looked at his watch, "Hey, Scooby-Doo's gonna be on, you want to watch that?"
After a moment of consideration, Napoleon turns and says, "Yeah, okay," then joins Kip on the couch as he turns it on.
The opening sequence of the show begins: We've got it all together for the brand new show,
Scooby-Doo is here and away we go!
While Scooby-Doo is running from a spooky ghost,
Shaggy is a doin' what he does the most!
Hey, c'mon get involved till the mystery is solved,
Hang around for Scooby-Doo!
"So you like Scooby-Doo, huh?" Napoleon asks, as the episode begins with Scooby and the gang driving through a swamp.
"Sure, don't you?" Kip remarks.
"Yeah, Scooby's usually pretty good."
"I like these older episodes more than the newer ones."
"Yeah, me too…wait what newer ones are you talking about?"
"The ones with Scrappy-Doo."
"Yeah, do you know him? He's Scooby's nephew?"
"I know who he is, Kip, you don't have to remind me! Scrappy sucks!"
"Yeah, I like the original gang better."
The episode continued with the gang setting out to find a ghoul that was scaring away workers at an old factory while a short silence fell between the two brothers. Then Kip asked, "How old am I in the time that you came from?"
"Uuumm…thirty-two," Napoleon said.
"Wow, thirty-two?" Kip wondered.
"Yeah, how old are you now?"
"Ten? And you're here by yourself?"
"Well my grandma's usually home, and now my brother's here!" Kip regarded with glowing admiration.
"Yeah, but how about normally? Where are your…um…huh," Napoleon stopped as something he just considered perplexed him.
"Where's who?" Kip asked.
"Oh uh, nothing."
"Okay…So what am I like in the future?"
"You're cool, I guess."
"Have I achieved my dream of being the first person to walk on Mars?" Kip asked with excitement.
"Uuuhh, not really."
"Well, but I'm getting there, right? I mean, I am an accomplished astronaut, aren't I?"
"Yeah, kind of," Napoleon said, not wanting to crush his dreams.
"Wow, I can't wait until I get older. That'll be amazing!"
"Yeah, it sure is," Napoleon said plainly.
Scooby and the gang were being chased by an alligator creature from the swamp.
"Hey Napoleon, would you be afraid if you saw a swamp creature like that in real life?" Kip asked.
"No, considering it's just a guy in a costume every time," Napoleon said as he wondered why the Scooby gang were scared by the monsters in every episode when they always just turned out to be real people.
"No, I mean, if it wasn't just a person committing a bizarre form of extortion, if it was a real monster, would you be afraid?"
"Well, any unknown beast of undocumented skill and behavior is intimidating, I guess," Napoleon remarked, this time with convincing seriousness, "but my commitment to cryptozoological studies would ultimately suppress any fears I might have when confronting such a creature."
"Wow, you seem pretty brave!" Kip remarked.
"Yeah, I've been told that."
The episode ended and it turned out the monster was really Ms. Dovely, the kindly secretary of the Skillets, who would've guessed!
"That was a good one! So what should we do now?" Kip asked.
"I don't know, but I'm freaking bored with the 80's already," Napoleon said.
"Oh, sorry about that," Kip said apologetically, "Hey, want to go to my uncle's football game? It's the last game of the season."
"Your uncle? You mean Uncle Rico?"
"Yeah, how do you know him?"
"He's my uncle too, Kip!"
"Oh yeah, huh. So do you want to go?"
"Aaaahhh, it doesn't sound very appealing, but I got nothing else better to do."
The next moment, they were waiting in front of the house for the bus to arrive to take them to the game. Across the street, Napoleon recognized a familiar face.
"Rahg re-me?" Lyle responded in confusion.
"Napoleon, you haven't even been born yet. He doesn't recognize you," Kip remarked, now privy to the future correctiveness.
"Oh yeah, sorry Lyle!"
"Nah famie," Lyle said, apparently in understanding.
The bus arrived and they boarded.
"So, are you boys off to the big game?" the bus driver asked.
"Yes," Napoleon responded.
"Oh, you're going to have loads of fun!"
"I doubt it," Napoleon said as he glanced over the seats for a free one.
"What was that?"
Napoleon ignored the question as he headed for an empty seat towards the middle of the bus with Kip following close behind. They sat as the bus began moving again heading for Preston High.
"So are you having a nice time?" Kip asked.
"Aaaahhh," Napoleon moaned as he turned his back to Kip and peered out the window.
"Hm, I am!" Kip said in an upbeat manner.
Napoleon continued facing the window as the same fields and the same houses he had always known passed by him, as if nothing had even changed. He had thought he'd be exploring fantastic new worlds from long forgotten eras, not peering out at all too familiar landscapes.
"Why did you come back to this time, anyway?" Kip suddenly asked.
"It wasn't even my choice. It was bonehead Uncle Rico who wanted to come back to this time."
"It was? So why didn't he come instead?"
"Cus' you guys don't know how to work a time machine; I got to do everything!"
"What did he want to do in this time?"
"I don't know and I don't care," Napoleon did have an idea of what Rico had wanted to do, but he really didn't care and didn't feel like getting into it.
"So since you're here instead, what exactly do you plan on doing?"
"Kip, if I had a plan of what I wanted to do, I'd be doing it. I wouldn't be going to a stupid football game!" Napoleon said, facing him this time, "The only thing I really care about is finding my way back."
"Back? Back to the future?" Kip asked.
"Yeah, Kip, back to the future," Napoleon said, rolling his eyes and turning back to the window, "Just like the movie."
"What movie?" Kip wondered.
"The movie, Back to the Future. You're the one who told me to watch it."
"It's called Back to the Future? Hm, I don't know it."
"You've never heard of Back to the Future?" Napoleon remarked, dumbfounded.
"No, and if it's about science or technology, I probably would have."
"Dang, my situation would make a lot more sense to you if you had seen it."
"Really? What's the movie about?"
"A kid goes back in time and then…uh…he has to get back to the future."
"Oh, wow. I see a connection, yeah. Cool!"
"Yeah, it is a pretty cool movie."
Shortly thereafter, the bus pulled into the parking lot of the school, which was just beyond the football field where the crowd anxiously awaited the start of the game which was set to kickoff momentarily. Everyone on the bus rushed out excitedly except for Napoleon, who was still seated with Kip standing by his side in the aisle.
"Come on, Napoleon," Kip urged, "the game's about to begin." Napoleon said nothing, he just continued staring out the window. Kip looked around nervously for a bit, then settled his gaze towards the front of the bus. The bus driver was staring back at them.
"You boys are going to have to get off the bus," she said, "this is the last stop."
"Yeah, okay," Kip said, then turned back to his brother, "Napoleon, we should get off. You don't want to make Mrs. B. mad."
"Uuuuhh, fine!" Napoleon finally said, getting up and walking towards the front of the bus, "Who would want to go to this stupid crap anyway, it's freaking pointless!"
"Hey, take it easy," the bus driver, Mrs. B., said, "you should calm down!"
"You should eat a decroded piece of crap!" Napoleon snapped back as he stepped off the bus.
"Your friend needs an attitude readjustment," Mrs. B. said as Kip passed her on his way off the bus, "he needs to learn to be more respectful to people."
"Oh, jeez, sorry Mrs. B.," Kip said apologetically, "it won't happen again. I'm really sorry." Kip stepped off the bus and then rushed to catch-up with Napoleon who was striding off towards the field. The bleachers were pretty packed, though there was a lot of room at the high end. He wasn't very interested in trying to find a better seat closer to the field, so he settled near the edge of the bench at the very top. Kip then climbed up as well and sat beside him without saying anything. Shortly after taking their seats, they had the kickoff and the last game of the season began. Preston had possession of the ball first and soon brought the crowd to a frenzy as the quarterback completed a forty yard pass on just the second down. Napoleon saw "Dynamite" stitched on the back of his jersey.
"Look, there's Uncle Rico!" Kip pointed excitedly.
"Yeah, I see him Kip! I don't really care," Napoleon responded.
"Oh, come on Napoleon, lighten up. Aren't you glad you came back in time to see this?"
Kip said nothing; a beat passed.
"This is pretty much the worst time travelling voyage ever made."
"Napoleon, like anyone can even know that; what other time travelling adventures do you know of by comparison?"
"I don't know, but it's completely lame. It's even worse than when the apes went back in time in the third Planet of the Apes movie and they didn't do anything but play with blocks and act like freakin' celebrities."
Author's Note: Boy, tough break for Napoleon, huh? His extravagant adventure through time isn't turning out the way he'd thought it be. But don't worry, he'll find a reason to get excited in the next part. When that next part will be available...who knows! I sure as hell don't. But rest assured that I already have the entire story figured out and I fully intend to complete it. In the meantime, your wonderful words of praise and approval would be appreciated. Thanks for reading, now I'm going to go make myself a dang case-a-dill-a! -M. Darko