|If Mok Swagger was smart
Author: AlmightyLordPhlebotium PM
Just because Mok Swagger is into sex, drugs and rock and roll (and a bit of Satanism) doesn't mean that he should antagonize random people. After all, you can still be evil without getting killed. Right?Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Mok - Words: 1,163 - Published: 11-25-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8738980
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Fwooosh! The handsome (despite being old and bald) furry teleported to the middle of the room, balancing a champagne bottle on his finger.
"Anyone want champagne? I can bring beer, too." He placed the bottle next to Omar. "I am Mmmmmmok." He said with an exaggerated lip movement. "Allow me to introduce to you the Rollerskating Schlepper brothers: Toad, Sleazy, and Zip. Mes assistants stupide."
"I just love it when he talks French!" Zip said.
"Oh, Angel." Mok kissed the mouse girl's hand "You look even more beautiful in person."
"Better get some antiseptic before it festers." Mok looked at Omar mid kiss, mouth extended ant eater style over Angel's hand.
"That's, uh, Omar. Our lead singer and, uh."Angel said.
"Enough about him. Let's talk about youuuuuu." Mok's mouth resembled the sucker of a remora fish as he exaggerated the sound. "What did you think about my last album?"
"My parrot uses it as a toilet." Omar said.
(Back at the band's house).
"Ay carumba! By the Holy Wishing Star, the Care Bears and Holy Ghost" Ricardo the parrot dropped his tool box and pulled out a hip flask.
"You may break everything, burn out the fuses by playing your mierda music in the middle of the night, refuse to pay the rent until your puta girlfriend chupa la dinga de sponsor to earn money and ask me to repair everything, but this is the last straw!"
He took a long drink and kneeled in front of a toilet laminated in pictures of Mock Swagger "I don't care how much you hate this faggot. You will pay for ruining my toilet, Omar!"
"But where's out hospitality, boys?" Mok said to the Schleppers "No, no. Not the Edison Balls. The refreshments!"
"But boss! I thought you wanted to get rid of-"
"Silence!" Mok seemed to calm down after that outburst. "I'm sure that Mr Dizzy and Mr Stretch would like some refreshments."
The brothers wheeled a buffet in front of the two.
"Hey! What about me?" Omar said.
"How can your charming companion answer my offer..."Mok said smoothly, guiding Angel to Omar "Without consulting her partner?" He placed a hand on both lovers' shoulders.
"I think I'll stay here." Omar said "After all, there's only space for one in your contract."
"I beg to differ." Mok pulled him from the couch "Come along."
The three of them entered Mok's garden.
"Ah, young love. How sweet the two of you look together."
"Enough stalling, Mok." Omar said "What evil plan do you have in store? Did your last concert not kill enough people?"
"Omar!" Angel said.
Mok just laughed at Omar's remark. "Guilty as charged."
Suddenly Mok teleported away, so that his back is to them.
"I will be straightforward. I plan to summon a horrible demon using Angel's sweet voice, combined with my spells."
Angel stared at him in open-mouthed shock. "You what?"
"Yeah, but why do you need me?" Omar asked.
"...Have you ever heard of binaural beats, with two different frequencies for each head phones?"
"Let me guess." Omar said "You listed to them to 'alter your consciousness', right?"
"Your boy toy is right, sweetheart. My computer said that no single voice can stop me-and that obviously means that two of them can. Luckily Omar's deep, harsh vocals are the ones that can send it back."
"Bull-" Omar began but Angel clamped a hand over his mouth.
"The concert idea sounds fine, Mr Swagger, but demon summoning sounds either dangerous-"
"Or impossible." Omar said, this time ignored.
"Nonsense, youngsters. As long as Omar does not hurt his vocal chords, we can banish the demon from inside its cage, forcefield and other precautions during our of which-as a token of my goodwill, you may discuss this at home with your band while me and the Schleppers prepare the experiment. If you change your mind, you may return to my residence same time tomorrow, so we can board my blimp."
"Yeah, right." Omar caught a punch from Angel. "Stop that!"
"Are you crazy!?" Dizzy said "I've no doubt that Mr Swagger is magical, but why the fuck would you want to summon a demon? Use a hologram or something."
"He's just a load of bullshit."
"Says the guy who covered a toilet in pictures of him." Stretch said.
"That's kinda creepy." Dizzy said.
"Oh yeah? Well he's obviously evil." Omar added "I mean, come on! Just look at his face."
"Yeah, but isn't that strange that an bad guy tells us his entire evil plan, lets us go and expects us to return?"
"Yeah." Dizzy added "If he has an experimental procedure cooked up, with billions of volts, a silver cage with Holy Care Bear symbols."
"Or even call a real one." Stretch added.
"Then we'll try it. Otherwise, tell him to use a hologram."
"Do I put my hands in the shackles?" Angel asked
"No, no no!" Mok said "That's for kidnapped, unwilling victims. They need large doses of sedatives to sing against their will. Can you meditate, sweetheart?" Mok asked while sticking an electrode to the back of Angel's head."
"I teach yoga every Friday."
"Perfect. You know what to do. Would you like an electrode, Omar, or do you prefer sheet music?"
"Gimme that, Mok." He looked at the paper "What the fuck? Up Where We Belong by Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes?"
"If you don't shut up I'll act out the male part of Where The Wild Roses Grow By Kylie Minogue and Nick Cave. And my bare fist will crack your skull just as well." Angel sopped screaming at Omar, closed her eyes and started humming. Her sternum moved and her voice went unusually deep."
"Excellent! Excellent! Hahahahahahah!" Mok did a backflip and spun his pimp cane.
"What's wrong with him?" Dizzy asked.
"He says its' 'acting evil'." Zip said "Of course, he haven't hurt anybody yet."
"When do I start singing?" Omar said, leaning against a fence. The demon inside the blockade juggled the three brothers while they did flips, and their sister was on it's head, twirling a ribbon."
A few months later...
"...And so as part of my evil plan, we acted out on stage a scene where I pretended to kidnap Angel and force her to sing, while Omar was shirtless and killed me with a fake sword and sent the demon back by singing."
"You call that evil? Making your audience sign legal waivers while the rest are under a forcefield and asking a furry Fonz impersonator...permission to kidnap his bitch? I'd say you are getting soft, old chum." Pete blew a cloud of cigar smoke from under his grim reaper hood.
"Otherwise I'd get killed for real while they get all the fame." Mok said "Oh, and congratulations for making Scrooge repent and save Tiny Tim, Mr I'm gonna scare the shit from a greedy asshole. That's really evil."
"Amateurs." Beasty said to Shadow the Hedgehog and continued to sip his beer.