Elanore's Diary Entry: Have I Failed?

Whatever you think, whatever you see, I will never be the same. The Pure Ones haven't been the same. I know I have picked up the slack, but since my wounds have been inflicted, I have had time to think. It was my nineteenth birthday only a night ago. I celebrated with my beloved, Nyroc. He is my king and I love him so. We will get married soon I guess. I know the Guardians might disrupt the wedding.

Four years I have spent rebuilding. That battle took it all away. I had two kingdoms under my control, killed a member of the Guardians that caused trouble to us, caused a family to fall apart. That is what I had done to deserve that, but I have never done anything else.

I am awake in the day, thinking about why I am like this. I remembered who I was taking a revenge for. My mentor, boss, best friend and surrogate mother, Nyra. I had served under her since I first came to the Pure Ones. I was a mere owlet and I barely was as strong as the rest. I was going to become a picker or be kicked out, but Nyra took me under her wing. I helped her as her assistant and was there through the rough times, especially when she had lost someone who she cared about. We became friends and I always followed her orders.

I have seen her scroom and thought I have saw her in my reflection. What have I become? I don't know why, but I have never had thought I would become Nyra. As Coryn screamed at me, calling me as bad as her, I didn't know what it meant until now.

Never will be anyone like me. I have spent these years doing nothing. I have tried so hard to take what is rightfully ours, but nothing is working. I have been losing sleep as my conscience, or what is left of it, is pestering me. Memories are flooding back to my head. I remembered when I first came to St. Aegolius. I remembered when Nyra was ill and I cared for her, until she told me to denounce my Pure One faith so I could be the backup leader if she were to die in battle. I remember when I was coroneted… I remember everything!

My conscience is bugging me. Bugging me it is. I know I have failed Nyra, I just know it. I was going to avenge her, I tried so hard. I wanted to make her proud. I made her grandson who he is now, a badass Pure One King. I never had wanted to have an epiphany now.

I have tried so hard and nothing had worked. I have tried to do what was right, but nothing has worked. I have tried to avenge, but that hasn't worked. I have tried to make myself into who she was. I cannot be who I was. I was afraid, I was a coward, I had regretted by first kill to make me into the inner circle, I was never a leader in my life, I was a pushover, I had never done anything to prove myself.

I am sorry, Nyra. I know I have failed you and you can haunt me until kingdom come if I am making a mockery of myself and the Pure Ones.

I'm sorry…