Disclaimer: I don't own Uta no Prince-sama or any of its characters, songs, etc. It belongs to Broccoli.

Many were the woes of a short, impish blond named Kurusu Syo; he was constantly being harassed for his height, molested by his childhood friend turned roommate and plagued with a terrible heart condition. By the time the first semester of Saotome Academy ended, it was a miracle he still drew breath.

But Syo had one thing going for him: He had friends who shared a genuine interest in his well-being. Many colorful characters filled his inner circle, but none were as flaming as the girl he was about to meet...

"Did you ever finish that six-page composition on musical tone and clarity?" Masato inquired of the taller boy seated beside him at the lunch table. When he failed to reply, obviously busy wooing another prospective fan girl, Masato gently rammed his elbow into the other boy's rib cage and snorted, "Our presentation is tomorrow, Jinguuji. Or did you forget that also?"

Ren bid his lady friend farewell with a gasp and turned to his roommate with an equally displeased expression. "What's wrong, Masayan? Start your period early again...?"

The melodious sound of Masato's hand fluttering through the air and caressing Ren's jaw at an alarming speed echoed throughout the cafeteria. The kind gesture left the older boy on the ground, cursing and struggling to catch his breath.

"Are you okay, Ren?" A lively red-head hopped from his seat to the floor. He studied his senior with a slight frown and poked at him with a straw. The incessant twitching and inaudible murmurs that followed told him enough: Ren was still kicking.

"Otoya, cut it out," Tokiya called to his flighty roommate and stared back at him with a disapproving scowl, "I told Saotome what a bad idea this was, having the S and A classes collaborate for finals. But no, no, no. He just wouldn't listen and..."

Syo sat at the very edge of their table, trying to drown out all the senseless banter and concentrate on eating his meal in peace. He was so sleepy and dazed that he ignored his food also. His bright, blue eyes remained fixed on the void of space set before him. Saliva dribbled out of his gaping mouth.

"Syo, Syo, Syo, Syo!" His obnoxious roommate chirped and shook him by the shoulders. Everyone at the table had their eyes fixed across the cafeteria. The double doors flew ajar and a blinding light illuminated the slender figure of a girl. A host of naked cherubs and blue birds accompanied her into the cafeteria. The likes of such a supreme being had never been seen in the school's humble history. Her eyes glistened like the noonday sun, kissed with the fiery, passionate colors of a basket of wilted roses. Her long hair flowed freely behind her as she strode past her awe-inspired classmates. It was soft and fluffy, the color of purest snow. It also made a suitable home for the angels and birds that buzzed around her.

The angelic student halted her stride in front of Syo's table. Her eyes shimmered with anticipation as she parted her plump lips and addressed him in a sing-song voice, "Are you Kurusu Syo?"

"Aren't pets banned from being on school property?" Tokiya whispered to Masato. The dark-haired boy simply swatted at one the birds that flitted around his head and sent it crashing through a window nearby.

"I hate birds."

Ren stifled a chuckle and glanced over at Natsuki, who was thoroughly enjoying himself. The tormented cries of cherubs could be heard for miles as he chased them around the cafeteria with a fork and knife, claiming he only wished to play with them. Otoya was busy trying to stop his shenanigans, babbling on about animal rights or some other nonsense.

"Excuse me," the girl piped up suddenly, "but I thought I was the center of attention here?"

Syo looked up from his plate of food with a wad of hamburger stuffed in his mouth. His eyebrows arched high into his forehead when he noticed the girl standing before him. He swallowed hard and cleared his throat. "Um, hi..."

"I-I've been wanting to meet you for such a long time! After all, you're my..."

Masato rested his chin on his fist and rolled his eyes, groaning, "Here we go."

"Shut it! God!" The girl snapped and flared her nostrils in Masato's direction. She turned her attention to Syo once more and conjured a smile so sweet it could induce vomiting. "You've always been my idol, Syo-kun! That's why I came to this school in the first place. You will be my partner for the big debut project, right?"

"Did she just say Syo-kun? I thought this story was in English..." Tokiya mumbled to himself and scratched his head. He looked to Ren and Masato for an answer, but they were just as confused as he was. Shrugs were all they could offer him.

Syo's delicate ears strained as the new girl continued, "I've already written a song for you!"

"No offense, but I don't even know who you are and - "

"How silly of me," The buxom beauty threw her hair back and interrupted him, "I forgot to introduce myself!"

Masato poked his head around Tokiya's and calmly interjected, "That seems like a common trend of late."

"As I was saying...My name is Syrenia Ichigo Blake! But you may address me as hime-sama," Syrenia tossed her sparkly bag on top of Syo's enormous pile of food and found a comfortable spot on his knee. A giggle escaped her as she plucked a tube of neon pink lipstick from her Triple-D size bra. Syo paled in horror. He went numb with shock when she turned and straddled him, her lips puckered. "After the debut, we can have the Drive-Thru wedding ceremony we've always dreamed of. Then we can find a cheap hotel and..."

"PIKOCHAAAAAAAAAAN~"

Just before Syrenia could desecrate Syo's face with her engorged lips, Natsuki barreled down the path and slammed into her from behind. He clutched the corpse of a small bird between his fingers. Syrenia tumbled into the floor and landed face-first. Natsuki sat on top of the table, giggling like mad and rubbing the dead bird against his cheek.

"I made a new friend!" he exclaimed with the enthusiasm of a first grader trapped in a candy store. Tokiya and Syo were still in shock, so they didn't utter a word in reply. Ren wasn't in his seat anymore. Otoya finally sat down and caught a glimpse of him sprawled out on the floor, laughing so hard his entire body shook. Syrenia staggered to her feet and glared back at the idiot blond, steam rising from her head.

"I've had it with you morons! Syo-kun is mine and mine only!" Flames erupted from her nostrils as she pulled a large machete out of her pink, sequined bag. Malice laced her words like poison as she issued another decree, "I'll make sure that we're not interrupted again!"

Tokiya cocked his head to one side, deep in thought. "Aren't weapons banned from being on school property?"

Syo gripped his chair and squeezed his eyes shut, immobilized with fear and disbelief. In a way, he was glad; his mere existence caused people nothing but misery and hardship. But there were so many things left unsaid and undone. Visions of the past danced through his mind's eye; Natsuki chasing him around the front yard with a carving knife on Halloween, the belching contests that he and Ototya used to have, the smiles Haruka used to grace him with...

"I think it's time someone ended this little charade," Masato rose from his seat and walked over to where Natsuki sat, cuddling his ill-gotten gains. Syrenia loomed overhead with her machete lifted high above her head, shrieking as she swung it in a graceful arc,

"SHUT UP!"

Natsuki dropped the bird and halted her attack, gripping the machete's leather handle. Masato stood behind him wearing an impish grin, twirling his glasses as he chimed, "It was nice knowing you."

Natsuki, now Satsuki, forced Syrenia backwards and delivered a roundhouse kick to her beautiful face. But his assault didn't end there. Seconds later, they crashed through a window and resumed their battle to decide the fate of the universe in the school's courtyard. It didn't take long for Shining Saotome to show up as a spectator. The courtyard was soon filled with students, faculty and paparazzi. Everyone was outside watching Syrenia get the daylights beaten out of her.

Everyone but poor Syo, that is.

He sat alone at the table, poking what little remained of his hamburger with a plastic fork. What about him was so appealing that people would go to such lengths to see him? Partner with him? Fawn over him as if he were some Greek, mythological hunk, chiseled calves and all?

Such was the tragic, melancholic life of Kurusu Syo.

A/N: Intentional Sues are fun to write. And intentional OOC canon characters are equally fun to write. This parody was betaed by Gakumi, and dedicated to the Kiri twins. Feel free to offer your thoughts, criticisms, giggles and flames in the form of a review. I'm interested to hear everyone's reactions to this monstrosity. :)