|You Can't Go Home Again Cobra Commander
Author: Red Witch PM
On 12/12/12 the Cobras finally manage to return to their base. Of course you know the trip is a huge disaster and an even bigger one is waiting for them.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Cobra Commander & Destro - Words: 9,014 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 4 - Published: 12-12-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8788520
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Guess what's taken off on a long trip? You got it. The disclaimer saying that I don't own any GI Joe characters. More madness from my tiny little mind about the Cobra Odyssey that never seems to end!
You Can't Go Home Again, Cobra Commander
"All right Destro what's the problem?" Cobra Commander hissed. The Cobras were on a pier. Next to the pier was their yacht/submarine which was also their temporary base due to a series of unforntuate events previously chronicled.
"We can't dock our ship here. The harbormaster won't allow it," Destro grumbled. "Furthermore I believe the harbormaster will report us to the authorities if we don't leave right away."
"Why?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Well usually when people walk around in capes and metal masks it does cause concern," Destro told him. "Apparently we look 'sketchy' and might be 'bad pennies'."
"True but still…" Mindbender shrugged.
"I mean look at us," Destro pointed to the group dressed in their usual Cobra uniforms. "We don't exactly blend in!"
"Why can't we just bribe the guy as usual?" Cobra Commander hissed.
"Three reasons. One the guy is a woman," Destro spoke up. "A fifty seven year old woman who seems to be a devout Christian and probably would not go for a bribe even if we had the money to do so!"
"So in other words we're broke and we've run into a broad with a conscience? That's just great!" Cobra Commander hissed. "Of all the harbors in the world we had to pull into the one with a female fanatic about rules and regulations!"
"Personally we're more concerned…" Tomax began.
"About the fact that we are out of money," Xamot finished.
"That is the bigger crisis we are facing," The Twins said as one.
"What happened to all the counterfeit Twinkie money we made?" The Baroness asked.
"We used it all on fuel, food, alcohol and the occasional hair product," Destro glared at Cobra Commander. Then the Crimson Twins. "The last one is the Crimson Twins' fault."
"Even I don't use as much hair spray as you two do," The Baroness sniffed. "You're so vain."
"You know we wouldn't have this problem if the Baroness hadn't ratted us out of our old base!" Xamot snapped.
"Technically this is all her fault," Tomax agreed.
"No, I didn't," The Baroness said. "I didn't tell the authorities where our base was."
"You didn't?" Destro was stunned. "Why?"
"Destro, I may be a lot of things. But a rat is not one of them," The Baroness waved. "Besides I figured sooner or later the Dreadnoks would destroy that dump anyway so…"
"Wait, wait…Wait a minute!" Cobra Commander interrupted and held up his hand. "So you didn't tell the authorities where our base was to get back at us and Destro?"
"No, but maybe I should have?" The Baroness folded her arms. "Then again I also figured that you lot were so paranoid that you would move out on your own and later I could also go back and use that hideout for myself if things got really bad."
"Brilliant plan," Destro blinked.
"It worked," Mindbender agreed.
"Except for the moving back part," The Baroness shrugged. "I wasn't that desperate to go back to that rat hole underneath a sub-par chicken fast food restaurant. I just got the smell of grease and nuggets out of my hair."
"So let me see if I get this straight," Cobra Commander looked at her. "We've been running around like refugees for nearly half a year for no good reason!"
"Pretty much, yes," The Baroness shrugged.
"I don't freaking believe this!" Cobra Commander spat. "Okay! That's it! We're going home! I've had enough of this little vacation to last me a lifetime!"
"And how are we going to do that?" Destro asked. "We're almost out of fuel! And even if we did have fuel we can't use a boat to pilot ourselves to a hidden base that's on land!"
"There's not a seaport near our base?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Last I checked there wasn't an ocean anywhere in Nebraska!" Destro snapped.
"That's where our base was?" Cobra Commander blinked. "I always thought we were near New York?"
"I always thought we were somewhere close to Georgia," Mindbender shrugged.
"It doesn't matter! It might as well be the moon for all purposes! We can't get there in a submarine yacht!" Destro snapped.
"Are you sure there isn't a river or something…?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Not one with any connection to the ocean in California, no!" Destro snapped. "I checked."
"Fine, we're just going to have to improvise," Cobra Commander looked around. "We can't sell the boat for money. We might need it for later. We'll have to stash it underwater using its sub capabilities. We can program it to sink underwater until we need it."
"Again how are we going to get to Nebraska without any transportation?" The Baroness snapped.
"Well…" Cobra Commander thought. He had a plan.
Three hours later…
"See we're making great time!" Cobra Commander said as he drove a medium sized RV on a highway in the desert. "Back on the road again!"
"This time in a stolen RV," Mindbender groaned as he sat in the back. "That smells like the Dreadnoks lived in it."
"Hey you wanted transportation! I got us transportation!" Cobra Commander waved.
"What's that smell?" Destro asked. He was in the front seat next to Cobra Commander.
"Smells like smoke," The Baroness sniffed.
"Oh that's probably the engine overheating a little," Cobra Commander said. "Don't worry! I think that's normal. The paper said it had some minor issues. Nothing we can't live with!"
"What paper?" Destro asked. "Commander where exactly did you steal this vehicle from?"
"From a garage. Don't worry. If you steal something before its fixed it takes them longer for them to figure out it's been stolen and report it," Cobra Commander waved. "Especially if there's a backlog. There were tons of vehicles ahead of this one so it will be a while…"
"You mean to tell me you stole a broken down RV unit?" The Baroness yelled.
"It's only a little broken! We'll be fine!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We made it this far without any problems! Don't worry!"
Just then the hood of the vehicle started smoking. Some of the smoke came through the dash board. "Can we worry now Cobra Commander?" Destro asked sarcastically.
"Okay, don't panic. It's just a little smoke!" Cobra Commander coughed. More smoke started to fill the vehicle. "Don't panic. I'll just steer…Oh wait the steering is not responding well…OKAY PANIC! WE CAN PANIC NOW! PANIC! AAAAAAAAHH!"
"All right everyone Emergency Escape Plan 9! You all know the drill! Tuck and roll!" Destro shouted with authority as he grabbed Cobra Commander. "Tuck and roll!"
"Geronimo!" The Crimson Twins shouted as they gracefully jumped from the vehicle and executed a perfect roll. They landed on their feet. "Huzzah!"
"AAAAAH!" Mindbender screamed as he fell right after them. Actually since he jumped seconds after the twins he fell right on them.
"AAAAGH!" The Twins yelled.
"Oh I'm all right," Mindbender realized he landed on something soft.
"We're not…" The twins moaned as they lay underneath Mindbender.
"Stop fooling around!" The Baroness hissed. She had landed perfectly. "Destro and Cobra Commander…"
"Stop flailing you fool I've got…" Destro began. "AAAAAH!"
"Oh never mind," The Baroness said. "They're okay."
"If by 'okay' you mean bruised, battered and covered in dirt then yes!" Destro hissed as he tried to get up. "Commander get your foot off of my stomach!"
"Oohh…" Cobra Commander sat up. "My head…"
"There goes our ride," Mindbender groaned as he got up. The RV had turned into a ball of flame and had crashed into a large rock. "Still got good mileage though."
"Well the good news is that we are so far out that even law enforcement can't see that fireball," Destro groaned as he stood up. "The bad news is that we are miles away from any town!"
"Just shut up and walk!" Cobra Commander hissed. He stood around and looked. Then he pointed in a direction. "Ah ha! Vegas is that way! Come on!"
"How do you know?" Xamot asked as they started to walk.
"That's impossible!" Tomax agreed.
"Please the Commander has an acute sense for alcohol and prostitutes," The Baroness rolled her eyes. "Remember that birthday party for Firefly back in 89?"
"Oh yeah. It was so secret none of us knew where the location was," Mindbender remembered. "But somehow the Commander tracked him down to a hidden strip club underneath that car wash."
"The look in Firefly's eyes when he saw the Commander at the door was priceless," Tomax laughed.
"Unfortunately the hospital bills were very specific on their price," Xamot reminded him.
"I still say he wouldn't have shot at us if someone hadn't set that stripper on fire," Destro glared at Cobra Commander.
"Accidentally set on fire!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Besides she was thinking of getting out of the business anyway and that incident convinced me to give up smoking for good!"
"Almost convinced us all to stop breathing for good!" Destro snapped.
"Just shut up and walk! We'll be there in no time!" Cobra Commander snapped.
Six hours later…
"So hot…" Cobra Commander moaned. "Need…Drink…of…Tequila!"
"I would like to point out again that this is all the fault of the Baroness!" Tomax shouted as they trudged through the desert.
"I agree!" Xamot added.
"Oh shut up you twin twerps!" The Baroness snapped. "I'm not the one who drove us into the desert and got us lost!"
"We're not lost! We just don't exactly know where we are!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Hot…" Mindbender was slightly dazed and sunburned. His bald head was very red. He looked at the sky. "Ooh look at the pretty little birdies circling over our heads."
"I hate my life. I hate my life…I hate my life…" Destro moaned.
"Hello pretty birdies!" Mindbender giggled as he waved to the birds.
"Mindbender if you don't shut up I will feed you to your new friends!" Cobra Commander snarled. "Wait…Look! In the distance! It's Vegas! Sweet! Sweet Vegas!"
"Finally!" The Baroness groaned.
"Behold I have delivered us all to the Promised Land!" Cobra Commander laughed manically. "A land flowing with alcohol and prostitutes! And gambling!"
"Screw all that! I just want a decent buffet!" The Baroness snapped. "I'm starving!"
"Don't forget the shows!" The Twins called out.
"And the birds! Lovely pretty birds!" Mindbender cackled.
"Oh we'd better get Mindbender some water before he really goes off the deep end," The Cobra Commander realized.
"I think you're a couple of decades too late for that Cobra Commander," The Baroness quipped.
"Just one question Moses," Destro folded his arms. "How exactly are we going to pay for all this?"
"Details, details! We'll figure it all out later!" Cobra Commander waved as they made their way towards the city.
"I've heard that before!" Destro snapped as they walked.
"Relax! I have a plan!" Cobra Commander told him.
Twenty six and a half hours later…
"BRILLIANT PLAN COBRA COMMANDER!" Destro shouted. He was wearing a magician's hat and a tuxedo.
"Oh shut up and let me drive!" Cobra Commander screamed as he drove a stolen ambulance. He had a pink show girl's feather hat glued to his helmet and several pink feathers all over his uniform. And wore a pink feather boa.
"You really did it this time Commander!" The Baroness shouted. She was also wearing a pink feather headdress as well as her usual uniform. She was shooting her laser blaster out an open window.
"Again, I had no idea that guy was the local mob boss!" Cobra Commander snapped. "At least I didn't throw up on him like Mindbender!"
"Oooohhh…" Mindbender lay on a gurney also wearing a purple feather headdress and a purple boa along with his usual uniform. "My stomach!"
"You better not vomit in here Mindbender!" Cobra Commander snapped as he swerved in traffic.
"The way you are driving," Xamot shouted.
"Anyone would get sick!" Tomax agreed. Both of them had blue feather headdresses and boas on over their uniforms.
"I'm trying not to get us killed and out of this city in one piece!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I'm the one who got us the getaway vehicle!"
"And the one who stole a hundred thousand dollars from the Vegas Mob making us targets!" Destro yelled.
"Details! Details! Just keep shooting!" Cobra Commander waved. The sound of sirens was heard. "Oh crap now we got the cops on our back!"
"Well you did drive through that casino," Xamot told him.
"I think you ran over someone," Tomax remarked.
"Hey! The guy shouldn't have been just standing there in the lobby like a dope in the first place!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Hang on! I'm gonna drive through this mall over here to lose 'em!"
"I hate my life…" Destro moaned.
Two hours later…
"I told you we would escape," Cobra Commander said smugly.
"Barely," Destro grumbled as he folded his arms.
"At least we got some money," The Baroness sighed. "I just don't see why we couldn't use any of it to buy us train tickets!"
"Who needs train tickets?" Cobra Commander waved. They were in a large cattle car. "Just one more unnecessary expense."
"Forgive me Cobra Commander but I believe accommodations suited for human beings instead of cattle are a necessary expense!" The Baroness sniffed at the area. A pretty brown cow in a stall nearby mooed at her. "Oh what are you looking at?"
"You would think an animal raised on a farm would be used to bitches," Tomax whispered to his brother. Xamot snickered in agreement.
"I heard that!" The Baroness bristled.
"Of course you did," Tomax added. "Dogs have excellent hearing."
"I thought we all agreed to never mention that incident again!" The Baroness bristled.
"No, we only agreed to never mention the incident around you," Xamot quipped.
"Why you…" The Baroness's face turned red with anger. "Don't think I won't throw you off this train!"
"Try it!" The Twins said as one.
"Enough! Can we please refrain from killing each other until we reach our destination?" Destro groaned as he sat on some hay.
"Oh let them fight," Cobra Commander waved. "There is precious little entertainment around here. Right Mindbender? Mindbender?"
"Mooooooooon River…" Mindbender was singing to a black and white cow he had his arms around.
"Commander, just how many pills did he take from that pill holder that holds your 'medication'?" Destro blinked.
"Don't worry. It'll wear off within a few hours if I know my semi legal prescription medication," Cobra Commander waved. "Remind me next time he has an anxiety attack to only give him a half dosage."
"My huckleberry friend!" Mindbender sang as the cow mooed along with him.
"Hmmm, who would have thought a man who constantly uses chemicals in his profession would be such a lightweight?" Cobra Commander shrugged.
"Commander, I've seen your 'medication'. Godzilla would be a lightweight on those drugs!" Destro barked.
"Hey don't knock it. You're getting a free show to make the time go by faster," Cobra Commander told him.
"Have I mentioned how much I hate my life?" Destro put his head in his hands.
"YES!" The Baroness, Cobra Commander and the Twins yelled at him.
Several more hours later.
"How could you let that cow eat half of our money?" Destro shouted as the Cobras fled the train yard into some woods.
"Obviously I didn't do it on purpose!" Cobra Commander hissed as he ran. He was carrying a bag. "Should have shot that stupid thing when I had the chance!"
"I tell you one thing that is going to be the most expensive steak ever made!" The Baroness groaned.
"Hold on! I think we lost the security guards," Cobra Commander panted and stopped. "Stupid cow!"
"It is not the cow's fault you fed it our stolen money!" The Baroness stopped.
"Accidentally fed it! Who purposely feeds a cow money?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Besides Mindbender."
"I was out my mind thanks to you and those stupid pills you gave me!" Mindbender snapped. He had regained his senses again. "And still I only gave the cow a couple of singles! You're the one that let it graze from the bag!"
"Calm down! Fighting right now is not going to solve anything!" Destro commanded. "All right Commander how much do we have left?"
"From what I can see we have…half a thousand dollars," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"Well that's not too bad," Destro let out a breath.
"Uh not exactly…" Cobra Commander took out a half-eaten stack of bills.
"So in other words we're broke again?" Tomax spat out.
"Wonderful!" Xamot said sarcastically.
"Way to go Cobra Commander!" Tomax snapped.
"All that insanity we went through in Vegas was for nothing!" Xamot yelled.
"Hey! I got us this far! Wherever we are," Cobra Commander looked around. There were fields and farms all over the area.
"I think we're in Kansas someplace," The Baroness sighed.
"Is that anywhere near Georgia?" Cobra Commander asked.
"No, but considering we're headed for Nebraska it is rather fortuitous," The Baroness glared at him.
"Oh right. I forgot," Cobra Commander remembered.
"Now what?" Destro asked.
"I'm thinking!" Cobra Commander snapped. He looked around. "I have an idea. This is farm country right?"
"Oh God what stupid torture are you going to put us through now?" Destro moaned.
Twenty five minutes later…
"On the road again," Cobra Commander casually sang as he sat in the front seat of a battered pickup truck.
"Just shut up Cobra Commander!" Destro spat as he drove. "Unless you want to be in the back with the others?"
"Again I've got hay in my hair!" The Baroness was heard complaining.
"Now I know how Granny Clampet felt while she had to ride on top of the truck in the Beverly Hillbillies!" Mindbender called out. "Ack! I think I ate a bug!"
"Watch the potholes up there!" Xamot called out.
"We can feel every stupid bump in the road! OW!" Tomax winced as they went over a pothole.
"I'll be quiet," Cobra Commander said. After a beat he started talking again. "Now I know that this hasn't been the best trip ever but…You know, one day we are going to laugh about all this."
"Not bloody likely," Destro gritted his teeth. "And since when are you so cheerful about losing a hundred thousand dollars?"
"Look money comes and goes but we had an adventure. And I think in the long run, that will make us even stronger," Cobra Commander said.
"How many pills did you take?" Destro asked with a sigh.
"Only two or three-ish," Cobra Commander shrugged. "And a shot of bourbon to wash it down."
"Oh joy," Destro replied in a tone that was anything but joyful.
"AAAH! STUPID BIRD! GET OFF MY HEAD!" The Baroness yelled. "DON'T YOU DARE POOP ON….AAAAAH!"
SPUTTER! SPUTTER! CLUNK! CLUNK!
"Now what?" Destro grimaced. Some smoke was coming from the radiator. "Commander don't tell me you stole another defective vehicle!"
"Okay I won't tell you," Cobra Commander said. "Just drive and be inconspicuous."
"Oh yes this is inconspicuous," Destro rolled his eyes. "Five terrorists in Halloween type costumes in an exploding truck blowing more smoke than the coal industry!"
SPUTTER! BOOM! SHUDDER! SPUTTER!
"This a real winner you picked Cobra Commander!" Destro snapped.
"You are never happy are you?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Now that you mention it. NO! I HAVEN'T BEEN TRULY HAPPY SINCE MARCH OF 1983!" Destro shouted.
"March of 1983?" Cobra Commander blinked. "Wait, wasn't that when we first met?"
"BINGO!" Destro shouted. "GIVE THE MAN A PRIZE!"
"Oh are you still going on about how I ruined your life?" Cobra Commander groaned.
"Let me think," Destro said sarcastically. "YES!"
"AAAAH! GET OFF ME YOU STUPID BIRD!" The Baroness shouted.
"Blech! I got hay in my mouth!" Mindbender moaned.
"OW! WATCH THE BUMPS! WATCH THE BUMPS!" The Twins yelled.
"I hate…" Destro began to growl.
"Your life. We know! We know! Change the record why don't you?" Cobra Commander waved.
"I tried that once! You know what happened? The record followed me to Hawaii and ruined my one shot at happiness!" Destro yelled.
"Oh you are still not mad about that aren't you?" Cobra Commander groaned. "Trust me Destro I did you a favor!"
"How? Exactly how is this nightmare that is my existence a favor?" Destro yelled back.
"That Countess was ten times worse than the Baroness and she had a pack of ill-mannered brats to boot!" Cobra Commander pointed out. "You think this is bad try having a witch of an ex-wife sometime! This is a piece of cake compared to divorce court!"
"If only I could divorce you!" Destro snapped.
"Stupid bird! Messed up my uniform and my hair!" The Baroness yelled.
"Our backsides are already sore from all the potholes!" Xamot moaned.
"Could be worse," Mindbender said. "We could be sitting up front with Cobra Commander and Destro."
"I don't know where this attitude of yours has come from but quite frankly I don't like it!" Cobra Commander snapped at Destro.
"It comes from you! You are the problem! You ruined my life!" Destro yelled.
"Blah, blah, blah…What else is new?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Geeze Destro get a sense of humor already!"
"I will when I get rid of you!" Destro yelled.
"Then again the potholes aren't that bad," Tomax remarked.
"It's a pretty smooth ride considering," Xamot agreed.
"That bird was better company than those two," The Baroness said.
Two hours later the truck pulled around to the back of the Clucky Chicken fast food restaurant. "Finally!" Mindbender groaned. "We made it!"
"Barely…" Xamot and Tomax groaned.
"Next time…I will obtain the getaway vehicle!" Destro snapped as they got out of the truck.
"Fine! Picky, picky!" Cobra Commander grumbled.
"We finally made it," The Baroness groaned as she stretched her back. "I can't believe I'm actually glad to see this dump again!"
"Home sweet Hell," Cobra Commander said. "I'm not looking forward to spending any more time in this dump but compared to running around without a place to hang my helmet it's better than nothing!"
"I take it your medicated euphoria has worn off?" Destro glared at him.
"Yeah. Maybe I only took one pill? All I know is that it was a low dose," Cobra Commander waved.
"Well it didn't shut you up so next time take more!" Destro glared at him.
"Let's get inside and back to our lives?" The Baroness suggested with a roll to the eyes. "As miserable as they are it's better than being in that stupid truck!"
"Fine," Destro went to the secret door in the back and punched in a security code. Nothing happened. "Odd. Let me try this." He punched in more numbers.
"What now?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Don't tell me the security system is on the fritz again?"
"It's not the system. The access codes have been changed," Destro blinked.
"Are you saying we're locked out of our own base?" Cobra Commander snarled.
"It appears that way," Destro frowned.
"Now what? We can't go in through the front! People will recognize us!" Mindbender said.
"Oh please! The public is too busy gorging themselves to death to notice anything!" Cobra Commander spat. "Fortunately we don't have to do that. Look! They're making a delivery! We'll go in through there!"
They went to the back where a truck was delivering food. "Hey you! You aren't authorized to be here!" A security guard spoke up.
"I am Cobra Commander! I authorize myself to be here!" Cobra Commander spat.
"Sorry pal but you ain't…" The guard said.
"You want to see my authorization! HERE IS MY AUTHORIZATION!" Cobra Commander pulled out his blaster and started firing. The security guard and several workers ran away.
"If you want something done right! Use a firearm!" Cobra Commander hissed as they walked into the building.
"Who were they? Those didn't look like our troops," The Baroness said.
"Probably some nameless twerps we hired! It doesn't matter!" Cobra Commander said as they went down the hallway. "All I want is to go into my office and forget this whole nightmare odyssey ever happened!"
"Here, here," Destro agreed. Then he stopped. "What the…?"
"Isn't that your office Destro?" Tomax saw something.
"Well it used to be," Destro looked in. The door was missing and inside were people doing yoga on mats. The whole room had been renovated and where once was an office and filing cabinets, there was a fitness room.
"Who are they?" The Baroness blinked.
"I don't know," Destro blinked. "I don't recognize any of them."
"That is not the only thing I don't recognize," Mindbender pointed. Several people walked by wearing different uniforms. Instead of the traditional Cobra blue with masks they were wearing brown and black uniforms with no logos.
"This is…Weird," The Baroness blinked.
"When did we hire new people?" Tomax asked. "I don't recognize anyone."
"Well they could be ours only you know?" Xamot shrugged. "They used to wear masks."
"Oh right," Tomax remembered. "Still…"
"AAAAAAAHHHHH!" Cobra Commander's scream could be heard.
"That was the Commander!" Mindbender yelled. They ran to the sound of screaming.
"No, no, no, no, NO!" Cobra Commander cried out. His office was filled with colorful teddy bears on the walls, toys everywhere and several toddlers happily milling about.
"Where did all these rug rats come from? Who turned my office into a day care? What the hell is going on here?" Cobra Commander looked around. "And where the hell is all my alcohol? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY ALCOHOL STASH?"
He ran to a pile of toys. "Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?" He threw several toys around frantically looking for it. "Where is my bar? My hidden stash?" He glared at a chubby toddler looking at him. "What did you do with it? Did you drink all my booze? Did you?"
"Commander please…" Destro moaned as the child cried.
"What the devil is going on here?" Cobra Commander yelled as he threw a stuffed bear at the wall. "I demand answers!"
"Appropriate place for the Commander to have a temper tantrum," The Baroness rolled her eyes.
"Oh this is not a tantrum! This is only a prelude to the mother of all tantrums if someone doesn't start talking now!" Cobra Commander stamped his foot. "NOW! NOW! NOW!"
"Well look what finally crawled out from under a rock. I was wondering when you lot would show up."
"Cadet Deming," The Baroness turned around. Instead of her old Crimson Guard cadet uniform, Deming was wearing a red and black command uniform. "I should have known you would have had something to do with this!"
"That's Commander Deming to you," The blonde haughtily sniffed at her.
"Commander? Since when did you get the rank upgrade?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Since I got promoted by my new employers," Commander Deming smirked.
"New employers? What new employers?" Cobra Commander snapped. "What did you do to my office? Who did this? I demand to know who is responsible for all this here!"
"Oh you will," Commander Deming smirked. She spoke into a phone. "They're here. Understood. This way. Follow me!"
"I am the commander of Cobra! I think I know where everything is!" Cobra Commander huffed. "Hey, when did we get that hallway?"
"We did some renovations," Commander Deming informed them.
"Where are my things?" Cobra Commander hissed. "My office furniture? My plans for world conquest? My alcohol stash?"
"Storage, the garbage and all drunken up by the staff at our last corporate meeting," Commander Deming told him.
"You drank my alcohol? Men will suffer for this!" Cobra Commander screamed.
"Calm down Cobra Commander," Destro groaned. "Let's get some answers first."
"Oh we will get answers Destro! Then I will get my revenge!" Cobra Commander shouted.
They were taking to a luxuriously modern meeting room. "Is this our old meeting room?" Xamot asked.
"It looks exquisite…" Tomax whistled with envy.
"Like I said. We did some renovations," Commander Deming said.
"Some renovations? Who was your decorator? Donald Trump?" Destro looked around. He saw several familiar faces in suits in the boardroom. "Kwinn! Dr. Venom? What is the meaning of all this?"
"Please Cobra Commander, have a seat," Dr. Venom instructed. He was wearing a nice black suit with an expensive tie. "The rest of you sit as well."
"Dr. Venom…Kwinn…" Cobra Commander looked around as he sat down with the other Cobras on the other side of the table. "Explain yourselves."
"To put it simply," Kwinn spoke as he casually flexed his muscles in his grey suit. "When you abandoned Cobra we took it over."
"I didn't abandon Cobra! I was on a top secret fact finding mission!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Yeah right!" Raptor snorted. He was wearing his Raptor cloak and cowl but it was over a brown business suit.
"You ditched us without any pay Commander," Copperhead spoke up. Instead of his usual uniform and helmet he was wearing a grey suit. He had brown hair and looked rather professional.
"Not to mention we know that you thought the authorities were coming to raid this building and left us to take the fall!" Kwinn gave him a look. "So when you lot abandoned us we decided it was time to remake the business and do some rebranding."
"Rebranding?" Destro asked. "What do you mean?"
"Our business is not just weapons development and planning global domination," Kwinn said. "No, we're a bit more practical than that. Oh yes global domination is one of our long term goals, but we are going to do it through corporate means. By acquiring property and products and using economics instead of…Well whatever it was you used to do."
"Which never worked!" Copperhead spoke up.
"In addition to our Clucky Chicken franchise we have now successfully opened two separate new restaurant chains," Commander Deming told them. "A Mighty Kwinn gourmet chain and a Mystic Meal chain."
"Mystic Meal?" The Baroness raised an eyebrow.
"Think Chuck E. Cheese for adults with a magician theme," Commander Deming explained. "We just opened two of them in this city alone and have plans to open three more in the surrounding cities."
"I believe you know our staff. Raptor head of Accounting and our Aviary Research division," Kwinn introduced. "Dr. Venom is in charge of our medical and drug division. Commander Deming in charge of Personnel and our troops. Copperhead is the leader of the Mechanic and Security detail."
"Also Security sales," Copperhead spoke up. "For our security system division."
"You're in sales?" Destro didn't believe it.
"I'm pretty persuasive when I have to be," Copperhead sniffed.
"So I'm guessing you sell the security systems then you break into the businesses you sell them from and steal everything?" Cobra Commander asked.
"No, that's just stupid," Copperhead grunted. "We break into places that use our competitor's products and then we sell them our security system. It's worked like a charm."
"That is a good idea," Xamot blinked.
"Why didn't we think of that?" Tomax added.
"Hotwire our head of technology research," Dr. Venom pointed to the other former Cobras. "And Vanguard head of our advertising division!"
"My assistant who can't even write down a note is now in charge of advertising?" Cobra Commander yelled. "HE'S AN IDIOT!"
"Again perfect for advertising," Dr. Venom said. "Who better to get into the minds of the consumers?"
"Well he's not wrong," Tomax shrugged.
"We have a few other heads of department but right now they're not needed to deal with you," Kwinn smirked.
"Deal with me? What do you mean deal with me?" Cobra Commander snapped. "I'm Cobra Commander your leader!"
"Not anymore," Kwinn said. "When you left we all decided that we could run this organization much better and more efficiently than you ever could."
"And we were right," Commander Deming smirked. "As of now Mongoose Incorporated is one of the fastest rising organizations in both the terrorist and legitimate business worlds."
"Mongoose Incorporated?" Destro was stunned.
"Made sense to us. You know? Mongoose is the opposite of Cobra. Because you know, they eat them," Vanguard spoke up. He also wore a brown suit.
"I picked that name," Copperhead said brightly.
"Let me see if I get this straight," Destro held up his hand. "You are all working for Kwinn now in a company named Mongoose Incorporated?"
"Technically Kwinn is second in command but he does a lot of the planning and stuff," Copperhead corrected.
"We all figured it was easier for us to work on the sidelines while we had a figurehead of a leader to provide a friendly public face and sign the checks," Dr. Venom explained.
"And best of all unlike you, he has no delusions of real power," Commander Deming snorted. "He's pretty content to pretend for the public and do what he's told."
"And what moron did you get to be your trained monkey?" Cobra Commander yelled. "Who could be so stupid as to not grab hold of real power and be content to just sit down and do what he's told for mere pittance? WHO? WHO?"
"Why do I have the feeling the Commander just made the ultimate set up line?" Destro moaned.
"WHO IS IT? WHO DARES TO TAKE WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY COBRA'S?" Cobra Commander stood up and pounded the desk.
"Hello!" A vaguely familiar Australian voice was heard.
"Oh God no," Destro's face fell. "It can't be…"
The doors opened and in walked in a rather handsome clean shaven man with short red hair and bright blue eyes. He was wearing a tan suit and expensive shoes. "Oh what a relief…" Destro let out a breath. He started to laugh. "For a minute I actually entertained the notion that you hired...No, it's so ridiculous I can't say it!"
"Oh I dunno," The man spoke in a familiar Australian voice. "Try me Destro you wanker!"
"TORCH?" Cobra Commander, Mindbender, The Baroness and the Crimson Twins shouted at the same time.
"No, that's can't be you!" Destro's jaw dropped. "There is no way in hell you…!"
"I clean up good don't I?" Torch chuckled. "I miss me whiskers but it turns out that this mug is a babe magnet! Who'd have thunk it? Right?"
"How? How is this…?" Destro was shaking as he pointed a finger. "HOW? THIS IS INSANE!"
"This is priceless!" Zartan laughed as he walked into the room wearing a business suit. Zandar and Zarana walked in also wearing appropriate business attire.
"Told you Destro would have a fit Zartan," Zarana smirked. "You owe me fifty bucks!"
"Well technically no," Zandar informed his twin sister. "He hasn't passed out just yet."
"I'm still stunned that not only did you put Torch in a suit you shaved him!" Destro was shocked. "And now you tell me that Torch, the stupidest Dreadnok that ever lived is a CEO? HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?"
"Let me tell 'em Zartan!" Torch said gleefully.
"All right Mr. Chairman of the Board," Zartan grinned as he motioned for Torch to take the floor."
"Well it's like this," Torch began. "You see after we had our little tiff and went separate ways, I had the bright idea to go back and see if we could salvage anything left from our old base. And maybe sell it on E-Bay or something. And when we came back we found these guys."
"Long story short…" Zartan began.
"Too late," Xamot rolled his eyes.
"We talked it over with Kwinn here and made a deal," Torch said. "Now they needed a figurehead and stuff and they told me I had to shave me whiskers so no one would recognize me."
"It would be difficult for a corporation's reputation to have a chairman of the board that was a known terrorist," Dr. Venom shrugged.
"Yeah but once I ditched my beard I got really good looking!" Torch said. "Women are throwing their phone numbers at me! And I got a ton of cash just for standing around and doing what they say! And I said screw the beard! I'd rather have the cash and the broads!"
"He's a lot cheaper than you would think," Dr. Venom shrugged.
"Drinks a lot less alcohol too!" Commander Deming sneered.
"But why him?" Destro pointed.
"Yeah why him?" Cobra Commander had sat back down in shock.
"Simple. I'm the one who came up with the idea to go back in the first place," Torch smirked.
"It was rather fair," Zartan shrugged. "And I can't complain. My brother and sister all work with me in our new Media and Entertainment office. And the other Dreadnoks are currently trying to write a few sentences for the new scripts."
"Media and Entertainment office?" Cobra Commander sputtered. "Scripts?"
"Yes. Not only are we going to make our own commercials we are currently shooting production of a slew of teen shows to be aired on one of the cable networks," Zartan grinned.
"Including our show about a teen terrorist emperor," Torch spoke up. "We call it Timmy Serpent, Boy Emperor!"
"Timmy Serpent?" Destro was nauseated.
"Testing among focus groups indicated that Timmy Serpent is a fun name," Vanguard spoke up. "And we got this kid who plays Fred to do it! It's a real hit! Well according to focus groups ages 13 to 18 that is."
"I'd like to hit someone," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"I will be playing many roles including the hapless principal of the school who is always thwarted by the lead character," Zartan grinned. "Let's face it I was born for show business and I've had a lifetime of watching you get screwed Cobra Commander."
"We even got a new spokesman for our new Mystic Meals restaurant chain," Torch grinned. "You'll never guess who!"
"I don't freaking care!" Cobra Commander spat. "You can't do this! I own this building!"
"Technically you never did," Raptor said. "This particular property was formerly owned by Extensive Enterprises. Whose assets were mostly sold off last year. This property was bought by Mars Industries…"
"Which is my company and I own it!" Destro snapped.
"You did until recently when Mars Industries declared bankruptcy and all its assets were sold," Raptor pointed out.
"Three guesses who bought half your assets?" Commander Deming smirked. She waved her hand.
"YOU? You bought my company?" Destro's jaw dropped.
"How?" Xamot asked equally stunned.
"When?" Tomax added.
"There was an auction a few months ago. What was left because quite frankly Destro you didn't have that many clients and staff since the Wikileaks incident," Commander Deming smirked. "And one of the properties I bought was this very base. And of course the Clucky Chicken restaurant. Which by the way sales have gone up through the roof since I took out the squirrel nuggets and put in a salad bar."
"Where did you get the money for this?" Tomax shouted.
"Simple. I've been embezzling money from you two and Extensive Enterprises for years," Commander Deming shrugged.
"Yeah she's loaded!" Torch pointed. "How you think we paid for all these renovations?"
"Taken by the blonde bimbo. Didn't see that coming did you boys?" The Baroness asked the twins sarcastically.
"This is the stupidest day of my life!" Cobra Commander moaned.
"Guess who bought the other half of your assets?" Zartan smirked. At this Torch started to laugh.
"You didn't…" Destro was stunned.
"I did. And FYI Destro your castle in Scotland was a real mess," Zartan smirked.
"Yeah I'm spending a fortune renovating that dump!" Torch nodded. "Makes our shack in the swamp look modern!"
"You own my family castle?" Destro's voice started to rise. "My ancestral home that has been in my family for over two hundred generations? YOU OWN MY CASTLE?"
"Technically it belongs to all us Dreadnoks," Torch said. "But for legal reasons it's in the name sake of our newest member."
"My ears are burning!" Crystal Ball was wheeled in on a pedestal with wheels and a fancy cushion by a beautiful brunette secretary in a low cut black dress. "Thank you Janice."
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT DERANGED OVERGROWN CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT DOING HERE?" Cobra Commander shouted. "I thought I sold you!"
"You did. I had one hell of a journey let me tell you. It's a real fascinating story of a journey of self-discovery and…" Crystal Ball began.
"Oh quit it Ball. I bought you on E-Bay," Torch snorted. "What's to tell?"
"You were only the second person to buy me on E-Bay," Crystal Ball told him.
"Oh right that wizard bloke who had you for a day before he snuffed it with a heart attack," Torch remembered. "Then his cousin had to sell you to pay for the funeral."
"Stupid, stupid, stupid day…" Cobra Commander winced in agony.
"He's been surprisingly helpful with a few corporate takeovers we recently had," Vanguard nodded.
"Well I can see what other people are doing. Makes it easier to manipulate the stock market," Crystal Ball shrugged. "Not to mention the occasional blackmail. You should see some of the stuff our competitors do when they think no one is looking! Whoo! Racy!"
"I can't believe you sold him," Commander Deming said. "Thanks to his insider information we've been able to rise quickly and become a very successful company."
"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU COULD DO THESE THINGS?" Cobra Commander yelled.
"I did. You never listened!" Crystal Ball snapped. "That was always the problem with our relationship!"
"Hold it! Hold it!" Destro called out. "Let's get back to the part where Mars Industries and my family castle is now owned by the Dreadnoks!"
"You're like a dog with a bone with that aren't you?" Hotwire remarked.
"Told you he wouldn't let it go," Crystal Ball chuckled.
"Did you use your psychic powers to figure that out?" Cobra Commander asked sarcastically.
"Just explain how you gained control of my castle!" Destro growled at Zartan.
"Not just your castle and your business but your whole estate in Scotland is ours," Zartan grinned. "Oh and Torch is going to be formally made into a lord next week."
"WHAT?" Destro shouted. His blood pressure was going through the roof.
"Well I can't be made a lord even though the deed is technically in my name," Crystal Ball said. "I mean, I'm just a head here. So Torch is going to be made one in my stead."
"I'm gonna be Lord Thomas Robert Wilkington Blinkin Smythe the Second," Torch explained. "It's just a fancier way of saying my real name. And I was named after my Dad. Whoever he was…"
"Apparently you owed a lot of back taxes," Zartan was enjoying every minute of this. "And believe it or not the government can sell titles along with estates so…"
"AND WHERE DID YOU GET THE MONEY FOR THIS TRAVESTY?" Destro shouted.
"Again, from me," Commander Deming waved.
"She took a lot of money from you blokes!" Torch laughed.
"We just got the memo Torch!" Xamot snapped.
"You were right Cobra Commander!" Tomax moaned.
"This is the stupidest day!" Xamot finished.
"I admit I thought it would be fun to take the title myself and be the lord of your castle," Zartan twisted the knife. "But then I thought it would hurt more if I let Torch do it. And I was right! Zandar, you owe me a grape soda."
"With pleasure," Zandar smirked.
"This, this can't be! Trash like you can never be a true lord of Scotland!" Destro sputtered.
"Destro for enough cash you could make a monkey a lord of anything!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And apparently they did!"
"By the way, you might be getting some angry phone calls or letters from your relatives in the future," Torch spoke up. "Whoo, did your granny put up a fight when we evicted her from her cottage!"
"Ripper got shot in the ass," Crystal Ball said. "Was in the hospital for a week."
"What?" Destro yelped. It seemed that even his metal helmet had gone pale. "You…evicted my grandmother? Grandmother McCullen?"
"Isn't she the one that always wins those shooting matches in the Highland games?" The Baroness asked.
"Oh god no…" Destro moaned as he put his hand on his head. "No, no, no…"
"She's sure got a temper on her. Whoo!" Torch scratched his head. "She kept cursing some words in Scottish I didn't know but from the tone I deduced they weren't very nice."
"None of Destro's relatives are very nice," The Baroness said. "Not exactly the jolliest lot even under the best of circumstances."
"Yeah one of your uncles said something about you being a bigger disgrace to the family than the Fourth Destro," Torch pointed out. "And that you would probably end up like him."
"Didn't the Fourth Destro end up poisoned, shot, stabbed, castrated, had his arms and legs cut off and a spike up his ass all by his own family?" The Baroness asked.
"He did," Destro moaned as he put his hand to his face.
"They also said something about your Aunt Griselda…" Torch thought.
"The assassin? In fact the most ruthless female assassin our family has ever produced?" Destro yelped.
"Yeah. Said they were gonna give her a contract or something. Make you sign a piece of paper or…" Torch began.
"Ah, Destro's out cold," Zarana pointed to the floor. "I win!"
"Pppth! It's not like she's a ninja," Cobra Commander waved. "Baby! Let's get back to me!"
"What about Destro?" Vanguard pointed.
"Who cares about Destro? He's a whiny little crybaby anyway!" Cobra Commander snapped. "My only concern is the state of Cobra! And my alcohol! Did you really drink all my alcohol?"
"Every drop," Copperhead smirked. "It was good too!"
"Cobra Commander…There is no state of Cobra," Kwinn sighed. "Other than the state of bankruptcy and defeat."
"Let me handle this Kwinn," Commander Deming told him. Turning to Cobra Commander she spoke in a softer tone. "Cobra Commander. We've known each other a long time haven't we?"
"Too long," The Baroness hissed under her breath.
If she heard the Baroness, Commander Deming didn't show it. "Cobra Commander…There's no denying that Cobra has done many, many things in the past. It's had a long good run. But times have changed. And we have to change with them. It's time to move on. Let go. Explore other options…"
"Options? You want to know about options?" Cobra Commander hissed. "I'll give you options!"
"Oh let's not do what I think you are going to do," Kwinn sighed.
"HERE ARE YOUR OPTIONS!" Cobra Commander pulled out his blaster.
"Oh for crying out…" Kwinn winced. "Put that away you idiot!"
"Commander…" Xamot gulped nervously.
"As commendable as that idea may be," Tomax began.
"I think you may need to reconsider…" Xamot began.
"RECONSIDER THIS!" Cobra Commander started to shoot at various objects around the room.
"HEY WE JUST BOUGHT THAT VASE!" Hotwire shouted as a vase was destroyed.
"AAAAHH!" Commander Deming screamed as she dove under the table.
"WATCH IT! HE'S CRAZY!" Copperhead screamed like a girl.
"So what else is new?" Kwinn groaned. He got up and with one swift movement knocked the gun out of Cobra Commander's hand.
"How did you…?" Cobra Commander blinked. Then Kwinn grabbed him and shoved him against the wall. "PUT ME DOWN!"
"No," Kwinn glared at him. "Now listen to me you idiot. I'm only going to say this once. Cobra is finished. Through. Kaput. It's over. The fat lady has not only sung her last song, she's currently dressed and on her way to the after party. Understand?"
"You understand this! As long as I live and breathe Cobra will still exist!" Cobra Commander hissed. "Nothing will destroy Cobra! Nothing!"
"You see this is why no one wants to work with you anymore," Vanguard pointed out. "Not only are you short sighted and selfish…You are so a drama queen!"
"Are any of you going to give us any trouble?" Dr. Venom glared at the other Cobras.
"Not really," Tomax shrugged.
"WHAT? DO SOMETHING!" Cobra Commander screamed.
"What do you want us to do?" Xamot asked in an annoyed tone.
"We are outgunned," Tomax added.
"Outmaneuvered," Xamot went on.
"And out of a base," The Twins said as one.
"Don't forget we're down one team mate," Mindbender pointed to Destro on the floor. "Even if he was conscious we still can't fight them all like this. Face it Commander, the base is lost."
"Good riddance," The Baroness grumbled.
"To bad rubbish," Commander Deming sneered.
"Watch your back bimbo," The Baroness snarled. "You can't stay holed up in here forever!"
"She's right," Mindbender sighed. "We have to leave to fight again another day."
"Oh that will be amusing," Zartan snorted.
"Just don't try anything stupid like inform the authorities on us," Zarana pointed out. "Remember we have Crystal Ball and we can find out what you're doing!"
"I know when you are sleeping. I know when you're a fink," Crystal Ball mocked. "I'll know if you rat on us…"
"Oh God I need a drink!" Cobra Commander wailed.
"Cobra Commander I don't care what you do as long as our paths never cross again," Kwinn dropped him like a bad penny. "Just get out and never come back!"
"You have not heard the last of Cobra!" Cobra Commander wobbly got to his feet and pointed at Kwinn. "Mark my words, I will have my revenge!"
"Yeah, I'm really worried about that!" Raptor chuckled.
"Oh you think that you are safe from Cobra's wrath? Go ahead! Think that! I will plot and plan and strike when you least expect it! I will…" Cobra Commander began.
"Vanguard…Commander Deming…" Kwinn sighed. "Will you assist me please?"
Ten minutes later…
"AAAAAAAAAHH!" Cobra Commander screamed as he was thrown head first out the back door of the restaurant. Right into a pile of trash bags.
"HEY!" The Baroness yelled as she was thrown next. "Deming you bitch! You'll pay for this!"
"WHAT DID I DO?" Mindbender yelled as he was thrown out next along with the Twins. Then the unconscious Destro.
"And stay out!" Commander Deming blew a raspberry and slammed the door in their faces.
"This is definitely not one of Cobra's finer moments," Mindbender moaned as he got up from the garbage.
"They will suffer for this!" Cobra Commander got up and shook his fist. "They will pay for this if this is the last thing I ever do!"
"Sure. Great. We'll do that," The Baroness groaned as she got up. "Twins you carry Destro. He's still out cold."
"Oh joy," The Twins said as one as they picked up Destro.
"They will regret throwing me out into the street like garbage!" Cobra Commander snarled. "One day I will get my revenge and burn their company into the ground!"
"Well with Torch as a CEO you may not have to," The Baroness sighed. "Sooner or later that idiot will do it for you."
"Let's just get back into the truck and get out of here," Mindbender moaned. "It's a long ride back to California where the ship is."
"Where is our ride?" Xamot looked around.
"I don't see it! No!" Tomax was stunned. Both twins dropped Destro face first onto the ground.
"They towed our stolen ride!" Cobra Commander snarled. "This really adds insult to injury!"
"Ow…" Destro moaned as he lay face down on the street. "Mummy I don't want to go to school today…"
"Now what do we do?" The Baroness asked.
"I have a plan," Cobra Commander hissed.
"Not another one," Tomax rolled his eyes.
"I have a better one," Mindbender spoke up. "Let's find a bar and get a drink."
"No need," Cobra Commander pulled something out of his uniform. It was a small bottle of whisky. "I managed to snag this before we got kicked out!"
"How did you? Never mind," The Baroness waved. "I don't want to know."
"And not knowing will make…Oh who am I kidding?" Mindbender groaned. "It doesn't matter! We're sunk!"
"We are not sunk! Cobra will rise again to an even greater glory than before!" Cobra Commander shook his fist at the sky. "I have a plan!"
"We're doomed…" The Baroness rolled her eyes.