Not Enough

Her kingdom of crystal should have been enough. Her attractive family and protective friends should have been enough. Her future as an immortal queen should have been enough. But it wasn't, and it never will be.

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi.

Time Frame: Crystal Tokyo, 30th Century

…

The love in her heart became obligation. The affection in her eyes became wary acceptance. She yearned for things beyond her reach. What was within her grasp were things that made her heart rise and fall, her soul rejoice and sob.

In a world with glistening crystal towers and a kingdom destined to live on for centuries, one would believe that they had everything they could ever want, ever need, ever desire for. It was a fairytale ending, a reward for a service done well. It was glamorous, it was perfect, and it was fit for the rulers of Earth, wasn't it? Crystal Tokyo. A place of destiny.

But Neo Queen Serenity begged to differ. It wasn't enough.

Immortality. A kingdom built from precious stones. A tall, serious, attractive husband; a small, rose-haired daughter with adoring ruby eyes. She was offered this, all of this, in exchange for ruling a planet of people blessed with longevity. She was promised eternity, power, and a family with the loveliest smiles on their faces and sorrow and loneliness etched in their souls.

As wonderful as it sounded; living forever, ruling over people with only kindness in her eyes, and having people love her, cherish her, like they had done when she was Princess Serenity; it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough for her, her heart, her very soul.

…

She felt sick. She felt so very selfish and self-centered and very, very horrible. She was Queen of Earth, princess of the moon. She had her fairytale kingdom, her fairytale prince-turned-king. Why? Why was this life not enough for her?

She always craved something more, yearned for it when she rose in the morning and yearned for it when she retired at night, with the moon as her witness.

…

It was a known fact that Serenity-no, she was still Usagi, in this life, no matter what name the public knew her by-was someone who lit up the room with the brilliance of her love, her friendship, her determination. She was a being who thrived on love and hope and happiness and light and all forms of companionship. She…she was a 'people-person', you could say. She loved being surrounded by friends, and she attracted friends, like moths to a dancing flame. But no one has gotten burned, and no one will ever leave the palace with scorched wings, not as long as Usagi could help it.

For a person like her, a love-less marriage was indescribable. It was a prison, punishment, plague, curse, and everything in between.

Oh, but she might have been exaggerating, just a teeny bit.

No, her marriage was certainly not lacking in affectionate feelings. She was sure that Endymion, her dear 'Mamo-chan', loved her, but to what extent was what haunted her very thoughts with each quirk of his smiling lips, with each flash of unknown emotion in his deep, midnight-blue gaze. It haunted her, that small doubt. And it wasn't even entirely his fault. She herself had begun doubting her love for him, her deepest, innermost feelings.

Yes, she admitted, she was attracted to him. She was attracted, to his dark hair and mournful eyes and broad shoulders and thin, silent lips. She was of the moon, but she shone with the light of the sun. He was the prince of Earth, but his quiet nature resided with the dark side of the moon. Opposites attract, that was how the saying went. There was a thin line between love and hate; that was another one that they personified rather well. They were a perfect example. But beyond initial attraction…

What she showed him was an indulgent love*, she finally decided. She loved him romantically, but didn't, at the same time. She smiled for him and cared for him and became the light for his shadowy past, but it was her that sparked the star-crossed romance, it was her that saved him again and again, and it was her that stood by him, emotions bared, uncaring of the others' initial reactions to their lopsided relationship.

What did he do? He returned her embraces and kisses and vowed to stay by her side, but he'd broken that promise several times, and how easily he'd done so in the past was what unnerved her the most, regardless if the breach was unintentional or not.

She was the "man" in their relationship, more or less, despite being ditzy and a klutz and typically being rather feather-brained, particularly in her teenage years. She showed her affections more easily, and without embarrassment, unlike him, that was certain. His lack of display of public affection could easily be attributed to his past, or his personality, or simply the fact of his being a male. Or he just didn't want to attempt to show he loved her. Or he didn't love her at all, only wedded her out of obligation or pursuit of power. No, Mamo-chan; Mamoru, she unconsciously corrected herself; was not that type of man, not so greedy like others. Perhaps he had trouble expressing himself; perhaps he did not love her. It did not bother her, that latter thought, even though she knew it should have.

Surprisingly or unsurprisingly; she was not sure if she expected this; she did not care.

Yes, she cared for Mamoru, Endymion, but did she love him with all her heart? Did she truly want to be wed to him? It was unclear, but she knew the answer would come to her, if she though hard enough, if she gathered enough courage to let it sneak past her lips.

That time would come soon, but for now she accepted his faint smiles, his light touches, the swirling unknown emotion lurking beneath the affection in his eyes.

…

The thought of her daughter produced mixed feelings, and she felt unbearably guilty. Small Lady Usagi. Chibi-Usa. She was her flesh and blood, the little bundle of life she had birthed more than 900 years ago. The girl could be so sweet at times, and the face that was so alike her own would light up with a brilliant smile. She was a mixture of Terran and Lunarian; she had Mamoru's tan skin, his serious countenance and personality. But she inherited Usagi's features and little quirks of hers, like a dislike of carrots, thunderstorms, and being abandoned. The little princess resembled the both of them, at times more Usagi than Mamoru. But at other times, the angelic face would disappear, and Chibi-Usa would be dark and angry and cross and rather self-centered. She cried when she was taught a lesson she didn't like or was disciplined for her misbehavior (it wasn't bad, only a little talk, a piece of advice, but such prideful behavior led the girl to believe that they hated her, were going to leave her, were being mean and unfair and horrible to a poor, young angel like her) or was being trained to be more independent. She was easily tempted by what was more powerful than her, even stealing into the throne room to take the Ginzuishou for herself and show that she was strong too, only to lead to the Black Moon Clan's invasion, her crystal prison, her husband's fading away, and even the Sailor Senshi's wavering life energy as they attempted to save her. Did she have to nearly cause Crystal Tokyo's downfall? Did she have to fall under the sway of Wiseman's false promises and become Black Lady, blinded by pride and anger and revenge and envy and wrath? Her dream had been to become a lady, just like her mother, but did she have to achieve her wish through such costly measures?

She didn't understand patience. She didn't understand the importance of childhood, of being young and free and kind. She didn't understand respect. Drugging the Senshi's tea, threatening Usagi with a toy gun (though, it was unknown that it was a toy at the time), and potentially insulting her past self every chance she had. Yes, she had not been the most mature of people, but she had been fifteen. She had been of teenager; of course she'd made mistakes! But her mistakes hadn't nearly cost the lives of thousands of people, had they? How was it that her own little daughter could ridicule her, belittle her then turn around and pull on a sweet, innocent mask whenever her friends happened to stroll by? It wasn't fair; the past was the past. But Chibi-Usa didn't care; she only saw Past-Usagi as a stupid, air-headed ditz that didn't deserve Mamoru, so much that she would go as far as to distract him and cry and make him care for her at every single chance.

The past was the past, and Usagi might have forgiven her, but it was truly too bad that the past always refused to stay…well, the past.

And because of that past, she knew how spoiled Chibi-Usa would grow up to be, and mean-spirited and envious of others, and she didn't like it. She cared for her daughter, but the chance anymore than that had been destroyed.

What remained was doubt, wariness, and the lingering hope that perhaps even if her marriage couldn't be salvaged, her motherhood could.

And even that hope was slowly being worn away, with each smile, with each laugh, and with each glance at blood-red eyes, adoring and idolizing with hints of disgust and condemning for Usagi of the past.

The past was the past, but it was her past, and it was something she would be proud of. Not of Serenity's past, but hers, Usagi's.

…

Her friends brought about a mixture of feelings as well. She loved them, perhaps more than her daughter and even her husband. They cherished her, protected her, and had laid down their lives for her.

But they suffocated her with their protectiveness, made her hesitant to stand on her own. She had constantly felt over-shadowed, given shiny, sparkly attacks while theirs were much more powerful, and in her opinion, more meaningful. What was glitter compared to the warmth of a fire bird or the ice calm of a watery melody?

Never mind the fact that she was always the one to defeat the youma in the end. The others did all the work, and had all the experience. She was never as graceful as them, never as calm or experienced, or prepared as them. Rei berated her, Luna berated her, but it wasn't her fault.

She hadn't been a warrior, in her past life. Yes, she was one now, but it was because they had thrown her into battle, forced her to protect, and the only choice she had was her fight-or-flight response. That was restricted soon enough.

She would have fought willingly, if Luna had asked. Luna had tricked her, had told her to simply put on the brooch. She hadn't explained until after the transformation, hadn't explained until the first youma had appeared, with a frightened Naru right behind it. She had never forgiven her for that. They didn't have to always depend on her for the final attack. They didn't. They were powerful enough, weren't they?

And Pluto…she had known many things, things she should have revealed…but wasn't there a rule for her? Not to interfere with time? But she'd done that several times.

She was angry, she supposed. This world wasn't enough for her, not when she constantly questioned her feelings towards the people she supposedly trusted the most.

She craved love. She yearned for trust. And most of all, she wanted a choice. She wanted to make a decision for herself, for her own well-being. If she could choose between her happiness and everyone else's, could she make a choice without being pressured to do what was just, what was right, or being deemed selfish, or heartless, or a bitter, greedy queen? Because, she wasn't. She was just tired. She was tired of being righteous and perfect and self-sacrificing and being everyone's freaking light.

It wasn't enough, this fragile, unhappy place barely hidden underneath a wall of crystal. It wasn't enough, this kingdom of people with endless life spans and glazed-over, vacant eyes. And it wasn't enough, this love-hate relationship with her significant other and the people she had unwittingly surrounded herself with. It just wasn't enough, this second guessing of herself.

What would it be like, to travel back in time? What would it be like, to say no to Luna for once? To choose who she would love? To have friends that had no idea of pain and self sacrifice and didn't expect her to be their prim and perfect, ever radiant leader? Questions, questions, they clouded her mind, and her endless thoughts could be seen through her own clear blue eyes.

Her thoughts would be clear, soon enough, just like her gaze. One day, she'd be free of this destiny, she'd be reborn, she'd live and grow and thrive again, with love and freedom and trust.

Would she regret thinking these things? Looking out the window and wishing for something more? Yes, of course. Regret always came with these things, hand in hand.

But her heart would feel so much lighter too.

She was princess, she was queen, but what was offered to her wasn't enough. What was offered widened the void in heart instead of healing it. But one day, the abyss will disappear. One day, she would be free.

…

*One of Naoko's friends said this about Usagi and Mamoru's relationship. I agree. She'd gone on to say that what Usagi showed Mamoru was an indulgent, 'motherly' love; I guess you could say that Usagi spoiled him with her love, she gave more than she took, she stood by him even though he broke her heart several times. She does not deserve that, and I don't care if you jerks out there think she's a ditz. No one deserves a relationship like that, especially if you truly love someone.

And don't even bother to lecture me about Usagi's destiny. I still believe it was forced. Same instance for Sailor Moon. Luna gave her the broach and didn't bother to explain what Usagi had to do until she actually transformed. So it worked, whoop-de-do. Luna should have told Usagi what to expect, especially the first time because she had no idea what to do.

"Fight! Don't cower, you're a superhero!" Yes Luna, wonderful advice. It's very helpful, especially to a fourteen year-old who has no idea what she's doing and trying to defend her friend from a youma that had masqueraded as said friend's mother. Luna, you deserve the mentor-of-the-year award.

Also to be noted: I'm not a Senshi-basher, nor a Mamoru and/or Chibi-Usa basher. I. Just. Am. Not. Fond of the last two. I wrote this when I was bored, angry, and confused. (P.S- Not a good combo for a Gemini) This is what I think of Sailor Moon's world, this is what I think runs through Usagi's head. Or should, at least.

Reviews are appreciated. I'd like to see your opinions on Usagi's destiny too, actually.