|PTB 2013 Writers Challenge
Author: Lady Gwynedd PM
Participating in this year's Writer's Challenge: The first story is called "Do These Jeans Make My Ass Look Too Big?" Bella with too much junk in the trunk (in her opinion) pines for Geekward Edward, so she pulls out the big guns: Skinny Jeans. Will they work their magic? My version of a Rom/Com.Rated: Fiction M - English - Romance/Humor - Bella & Edward - Chapters: 12 - Words: 22,992 - Reviews: 1,009 - Favs: 264 - Follows: 459 - Updated: 04-07-13 - Published: 01-15-13 - id: 8910497
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Challenge Number/Title: 6 Bella's Super Fantastic Amazing Leggings
Content Descriptors: Comedy, Romance
Character Pairing: Edward and Bella
AN: This episode in the Assward/Jella saga (that sounds a little slashy, doesn't it?) is brought to you by Bella's Skating Leggings.
I had an axe to grind with the sales-girl. I'm sure she purposely hung me up with the tightest clips she could find and crowded me on a rack with tacky, trashy skating pants out of spite. My beautiful three-inch waist band with real crystals sewn in the shape of a perfect heart was getting pinched by those plebian clips and sure to leave a mark. How dare she?
I knew what her problem was. She was jealous. I was specially designed for skaters who had certain dimensions, shall we say, that would highlight their Lovely Lady Lumps. This sales clerk definitely did not fit that description. In fact, from behind it was hard to tell if she was a girl or a boy, the flat-assed cow. As a result of her malice, no one saw me hidden away with what evidently were Rihanna's cast offs. It was enough to cause my Lycra heart to break.
One day my luck changed, all thanks to a twig-like gal who was helping out a friend. I could hear hangers scraping down the rack, as someone was looking through the outfits hanging there.
"Alice, those colors are way too bright." The voice was soft but dismissive.
"I know, I know. You want something that is grey, or black; ever eager to fade into the background, right? Well, it won't hurt to look at these." The scraping got closer. Maybe they'd see me and be instantly mesmerized by my stylish over-the-heel fit, designed to lengthen the leg. I brushed up my poly-fibers to look their best.
"No, Alice. None of these will work. I can't imagine…"
"Look, Bella, you need to try something." The twig-girl started to whine.
It was then I got a good look at the other. Oh my! I could do things for that ass. For the first time in my existence, I felt driven to do what I was made for.
"Pick me! Pick me!" I would have shouted had I had a voice.
"How about this one?" the Twig asked, pulling out my next door neighbor.
"Neon green, Alice? I'd look like a patch of poison ivy." My girl had good taste. I'd had to put up with that nauseating neighbor for days.
"Bella, you've said no to everything. We've been through the whole store and there's nothing left. You can't wear your pajamas to the rink."
"How about I wear my jeans again?"
"No, for a lot of reasons. First: jeans absorb water and after a few falls, Grasshopper, you'd be soaking wet and miserable. Secon: Edward's seen you in those jeans twice already. He's going to think you don't own anything else besides work pants."
"He seems to like my jeans. On Monday, I was standing in front of my drawing board and dropped something. I bent over to pick it up and then heard a crash behind me. I turned around to find Edward picking himself up off the floor. He had tripped.
"He spent the rest of the time he was there apologizing but he couldn't keep his eyes on my face. They were always sliding down to my bum no matter how hard he tried not to. He was blushing so red, I thought he'd have a stroke, and he was stuttering all over himself. It was really cute, actually."
All during this conversation, I was trying to flash my diamante heart and stretch out my legs but had no luck. Not having muscles definitely sucks sometimes.
The Twig spoke up, "I know that's when you invited him to the skating party but I thought you'd gone to his office."
"Oh, no. He came to me first. He had forgotten to give me my gloves on Sunday."
"Your booty is definitely an Edward magnet. You need something more than skinny jeans, now."
Another scrape of a hanger. "How about these pink ones?"
"Just try them on?" The Twig was determined.
"Then what then? We've seen everything in this store and we don't have time to go somewhere else."
"How about these?"
Suddenly, I felt my hanger lift and I was flying through the air. She picked me!
"They're basic black." Twig had a problem with me being a sophisticated ebony. Really, some people's sense of taste began and ended in their mouths.
"No, there's this cute little heart on the back and I bet that cropped sweater we saw on the round in the back of the store would look pretty with it."
I was so thrilled. I couldn't wait to show my Ms Lovely Lady Lumps just how lumpalicious I could make her. If she thought her guy couldn't take her eyes off of her in jeans, just wait until he saw her in me!
A few minutes later, my Ms LLL was twirling in front of a three way mirror. "What do you think, Alice?"
"OH MY GOD. Your derriere has half convinced me to change sides. I swear, if I hadn't met Jasper already, I may have just done that. You look badass, Bella!"
I preened. This is what I was put on earth to do. As I felt her muscles move underneath my Lycra skin, I lifted and separated, smoothed and lengthened and never was there a more amazing money maker in the known universe.
"Bella, you have to get those." The Twig was my favorite person at the moment.
"I know it. It's like they were made for me."
Maybe I was. The clothing god was generous in that way, sometimes.
A few minutes later, I was wrapped in tissue paper, stuffed into a bag and we were on our way. I decided I'd better snuggle down and get some rest so I'd be ready to dazzle some azzle for my LLL's heart throb when the time came. I couldn't wait.
The big night was here. My LLL pulled me on and paired me with a cropped top black sweater in order to show off my labors to full effect.
"Ohhh, Bella, you look so hot!" The Twig was back, dressed similarly to my LLL but her leggings were paired with a flouncy short skirt. Old Twig was smart. She knew she had nothing to fill her leggings with except sticks.
"I'm so nervous, what if I constantly fall on my ass tonight? I'll be so embarrassed."
"Didn't Edward say he'd teach you how to skate?"
"Well, just grab on to him and don't let go." The Twig cackled as she led us out to her car.
"Now, Bella, if Edward wants to take you home, it's okay with me. I'm sort of hoping he and Jasper come together so that we can do a switcheroo…you leave with Edward and Jasper leaves with me."
"We'll see. Who else is coming?"
"Jess and Mike said they'd be there."
"And Edward said he would invite some of his family members. He has two brothers, you know."
I wasn't interested in these details. To be honest, I was a little worried about my work going un-noticed because of the chance my LLL would spend the night flat on her back on the ice. I didn't worry about getting damp because my amazing Lycra-spandex material was water resistant. I'll keep my girl warm and dry. I'm a pro, after all, but it would be a shame if my form fitting benefits weren't shown off to their best advantage.
When we got to the rink, I pulled out all the stops. My LLL's ass was uplifted and smoothed, each curve cheekily nestled in my sleek black sexiness. We were stunning. The men she passed stopped dead in their tracks and the women turned green with envy. I was stylin', sassin', and taking no prisoners. LLL's curvaceous ass would go down in history.
"Bella, there he is…" Twig hissed.
I actually felt LLL's heart accelerate. Now was the time to put it all out there. I felt each particle of my shiny supple material spring to action, my diamante heart and my long lines snap into high gear as LLL's gorgeous behind and splendid legs were show-cased to the best of my ability. I hoped this Edward person was paying attention.
Evidently, that wasn't going to be a problem. There was a booming crash and my LLL cried out, "Edward! Are you all right?" as she rushed to his side and squatted down next to him as he lay sprawled on the floor.
"Oh, Bella…I'm sorry…it's just…oh my god…you're killing me here…that ass…you're so gorgeous it knocks me right off my feet."
Suddenly a woman tittered and said, "Edward, I've never known you to be so clumsy. Please introduce us to your friends."
The man scurried to his feet pulling my LLL up as he did so, blushing deeply in embarrassment. "Uh, Bella and Alice, I'd like you to meet my family. This is my Mom, that's my Dad, and over there are my brothers Emmett and Jasper."
"Bella, we're so pleased to meet you. I hope you don't mind us tagging along. When Edward mentioned he was going ice-skating, we couldn't resist joining you. It's been years since last we skated, isn't that right Carlisle?" A woman with a toothy grin gazed at my LLL rather disparagingly, I thought, but she was wearing an old-fashioned skating outfit that belonged in the last century. I huffed.
"But Edward," Outdated Toothy Grin said, "you forgot to include Rosalie in your introductions. She's almost Family after all. Bella, this is Edward's date, Rosalie Hale."
I can't be sure, but I think my Lovely Lady Lumps almost peed on me.
AN: I know these chapters are shorter than I'm used to writing but that's the nature of this writer's challenge. Thanks to Vecha for her wonderful help and encouragement.