|Idiot Jake and the Thanator
Author: Hoplite39 PM
Being an experienced and well trained marine, surely Jake would use his initiative to escape from a hungry Thanator. Then again, maybe not.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Jake S. & Grace A. - Words: 581 - Reviews: 3 - Follows: 1 - Published: 01-21-13 - Status: Complete - id: 8931310
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN AVATAR. THIS IS JUST FOR FUN.
After taking advice from Grace, Jake had successfully stood his ground against the Hammerhead Titanothere. But the aggressive looking Thanator crouched in front of him looked a different prospect altogether. So Jake turned again to Grace for advice.
"What do I do now?" Asked Jake in his microphone. "Run? Don't run?"
"Run!" Cried Grace from her hiding spot. "Definitely run!"
"How fast?" Enquired Jake. "Sprinting or jogging pace?"
"Sprint!" Shouted Grace. "As fast as you can!"
"Ok. In which direction?" Enquired Jake. "Forward, back, left or right?"
"Just run away from the Thanator, Jake!" Ordered Grace.
Jake ran as fast as he could away from the Thanator. The Thanator gave chase and caught him easily, grabbing Jake by his back-pack. Jake found himself dangling in the air as the Thanator aggressively swung him from side to side.
"What do I do now, Grace?" Asked Jake. "Do I undo the buckle? Or just dangle here?"
"Undo the buckle, Jake!" Screamed Grace. "Just get out of there any way you can!"
Jake undid the buckle and fell to the ground. He then stood up, brushed himself down and looked at the Thanator as it mauled his back-pack.
"What do I do now, Grace?" Asked Jake. "Run? Don't run? Or is now a good time to dance with it?"
"Eh?...What? Are you serious?" Cried Grace incredulous. "Run! What the hell are you waiting for?"
"Ok, I'll run." Confirmed Jake. "But how fast? Sprinting or jogging pace?"
"I don't believe this." Exclaimed Grace. "Run extremely fast Jake! As fast as you can!"
"OK. I am to run fast." Confirmed Jake. "But in which direction? Back, forward, left...?"
"Goddamit, Jake you idiot!" screamed Grace. "Just run as fast as you can anywhere away from the damn Thanator!"
Jake ran as fast as he could away from the Thanator. Eventually, Jake found himself on the edge of a cliff over-looking a fast-flowing river. The Thanator was bearing down on him at great speed.
"What do I do now, Grace?" Asked Jake. "Jump? Don't jump?"
"You've got to be kidding me." Cried Grace. "There is a huge predator trying to kill and eat you. You have no choice. Jump into the damn river Jake. It's your only chance."
"Outstanding!" Said Jake. "I'll jump into the river then."
Jake jumped off the cliff and landed in the fast flowing water. Jake pushed his head to the surface and gasped for breath.
"Ok, Grace. What do I do now?" Spluttered Jake. "Swim, sink or tread water?"
"For God's sake!" Cried Grace. "Do I have to tell you everything? Can't you decide anything for yourself? Look, just start Swimming Jake. Right!"
"OK, Grace. I'll swim then. But how fast...?"
"And before you ask any more bloody stupid questions." Said Grace. "Just Swim to the nearest shore as fast as you can and get your ass out of the damn river."
"Sure, Grace." Said Jake, gasping for breath.
Jake swam to the shore and climbed out the river.
"Thanks. Grace." Said Jake gratefully. "Now after all that activity, I'm really needing a pee. What should I do, Grace? Should I pull down my pants, use the zipper or just piss myself?"
"Right, this is getting ridiculous." Said Grace irritably. "I've had enough this shit..."
Jake heard the sound of Grace swearing profusely, before the communication was brutally cut.
"Grace?...Grace?..."Called Jake as the static buzzed in his ear. "Are you there, Grace?"