Ok, here it is! My answer to the "The Talk" challenge. My thanks to
everyone who's participated!! And if you haven't yet, I'd still love to
hear from ya.
Disclaimer: I don't own the people I don't own, I own the people I own,
Summary: Someone elses' version of 'the talk' causes some trouble for Jordy
The Grand Slam
Jordy Rayner stared with wide eyes at the two Titans standing at the
opposite end of the conference table. "I just came to pick Robin up. I
swear. And that time I just showed up and kissed her and stuff, it just
seemed like a good. and I'm sorry. and."
"Zip it, boy." Roy Harper folded his arms over his chest and glared down at
the young man.
"Robin'll be off monitor duty in a few minutes. We just wanted to. chat
while you wait." Donna Troy also folded her arms over her chest, but it
looked a lot less menacing.
The young man swallowed. "I. I already talked to her parents, and I talked
to her gra-Bat. And I'll behave and I won't make her unhappy and I won't
disrespect her, or make her late for patrol, or--"
Donna smiled a warm smile. "We know you won't honey. We just wanted to make
sure. She has a lot of. personality and sometimes it gets her into trouble.
Make sure you don't get yourself in trouble too. And we want you to have
fun, and stay out of her grandfather's way, and just have the best."
"You're gushing," Roy informed his counterpart.
"I'm gushing," Donna conceded. She came around the table and grabbed
Jordan's fleshy green cheeks. "And I know you're going to be a perfect
gentleman. Because I know your father, and I know he is a perfect
gentleman. So don't do anything he wouldn't." She kissed the young man's
cheek and then gave him a pat on the head. "I think we're done, Roy." She
went to the door at the end of the conference room and opened it.
"Gimme a minute with the gipper," Roy said casually, his arms still folded
over his chest.
"Ro-oy." Donna scolded.
"I'll be cool," the man promised.
"Two minutes, and if you're not in the kitchen by then, I'm coming after
you," she promised, then left.
As soon as the door closed off, Roy's face tightened and he gave a glare
that was Bat-worthy. "So you want to date Bubbles," he said darkly.
The young man's mouth opened, but no sound emitted.
"That's what I thought." Roy scowled, his eyes narrowing and piercing into
the boy. "The quest you have imparted upon is perilous and fraught with
danger. There are dragons, trolls with electronic devices and a really big
bat. Are you prepared for these things?"
Jordan's eyes darted back and forth, searching for some sort of reason
within the madness. "Uh. ready as I'll ever be?"
"Oh-kay," Roy said with a grin. His arms fell away from his chest and he
began digging around his pocket. "I can vouch that she's not an assassin,
so that only leaves two more orders of business. Well, three, actually.
Firstly, I'm not gunna threaten you. Bubbles can break your knee caps
herself, if you piss her off. So like, just don't do that. And the next
thing is, you can hump like little bunnies, just don't do it in Bludhaven
cause her dad'll kill ya. And don't do it in Gotham cause her Bat'll have
an apoplexy. THEN he'll kill ya. And I'm only telling you that for your own
He tossed the young man a glow in the dark condom. It sort of flew like a
Frisbee in the air till Jordan's hand wrapped around it. "I. um. don't
need this. Cause, like. Her dad said--"
"Her dad was a virgin till he was nineteen. Which is just uncool. Be safe,
don't do it in Gotham or the Haven." Roy looked up at the ceiling, trying
to think of his last order of business. "Oh yeah, and a real gentleman buys
a lady breakfast afterwards."
Jordan Rayner's cheeks flushed a deep Kelly color.
"That's all I'm sayin'. Be a gentleman. If she lets you have the grand slam
the night before, you buy her the Grand Slam the next morning." Roy
shrugged. The boy tried to hand the condom back to Roy Harper, but the
older man wouldn't take it. "Keep it dude. We don't need any more Mini-
Bats running around right this moment." The older man grinned. "You're
* * *
"I almost died," Jordan conceded as he and Mara entered the kitchen at
Wayne Manor. Alfred was at the stove, but turned to greet them. "Hi,
"Mr. Rayner." Alfred nodded once, then looked to the girl beside him. "You
are expected in the Cave, Miss."
Mara sighed. "I know, I know. I told him I'd stop down after Titans duty."
She turned to her new boyfriend. "I think he's feeling needy."
Jordan bit both of his lips so he wouldn't laugh.
"What? He's been all needy and stuff since I started splitting my attention
between the Titans and him. He gets grouchy." Mara pecked him on the cheek.
"Gimme like fifteen or so to do what I have to." Waving goodbye to Alfred,
she left for the Cave.
"So. like, I did what you told me to do," Jordan informed Alfred.
"And the tickets are purchased and paid for?"
The boy nodded.
"Then you have a chance of getting there tonight, young sir."
Jordan let out a breath. "I just gotta be patient, right?"
"Patience is one of the golden virtues," Alfred informed his new charge.
* * *
Mara's fingers flew across the keyboard, typing up last night's reports.
Unconsciously, she popped her gum rhythmically as she went.
"Perhaps you can explain something to me," Batman said from behind her.
"Or I could keep typing," the girl answered.
His hand slapped down next to her on the desk top, and when he pulled it
away, there was a condom in it's place. "Why did I find this in Jordan
"Aww, man, you searched him?" Mara slapped her forehead. "Dad threatened to
kill him, Grampy threatened to kill him. and I don't know WHAT you did, and
you're searching him too? You can't search him too. You can threaten him or
search him. You can't do both."
"I can do what I please."
"It's the new rule. I just made it up." She picked up the condom, waving it
in Batman's face. "It's a glow in the dark one. That means it came from
Uncle Roy. He gave ME one too. It's his way of saying be responsible."
"Grandpa." Mara sighed. "Come on. I'm almost an adult. And I know right
from wrong, and if he starts with the hanky panky, I will kick his butt. I
Batman's shoulders seemed to lower just a bit, as though he were relaxing.
His hand disappeared beneath his cape, and he pulled out two movie tickets.
"You assured me that your association with the Titans and this relationship
would not interfere with your duties to Gotham," he pointed out.
"I'll be back by midnight."
"There're things to be done in the cave before then."
"I'll catch up tomorrow morning, I promise."
There was a thick silence.
"Well, I guess I gotta go," Mara said uncomfortably, plucking the movie
tickets out of her mentor's hand. "I'd say don't wait up. never mind. I'll
meet you at the clock tower. We'll have five and a half hours to patrol
before down." With an encouraging smile, she began to move towards the cave
"Grandpa." the girl didn't look back, but began ascending the steps.
"Robin." Batman demanded. "Leave the prophylactic here." With a sigh, Mara
tossed the condom down the steps. "And the one Roy gave you." Digging into
her jeans, she pulled out the crumpled package and threw it on the cave
floor with the other.
"I thought you always said to be prepared for any eventuality?"
"I also taught you-if you're not prepared, do not engage."
Mara's shoulders slumped and she let out a disappointed breath. "Nobody
"We trust you. We also know your limitations."
"What's that supposed-no, I don't want to KNOW what it means. I'm going to
my movie, and everyone's gonna stop scaring my boyfriend, and I'm going to
be have a good night." She stuck her tongue out then marched back up the
"Everybody's insane," she announced, seeing Jordy sitting in a large
leather chair in the library, patiently waiting for her to return.
"I know that. So. after the movie, do we have enough time for Denny's? I
have a hankering for pancakes."
Mara leaned against the opened clock door tiredly. "Long as I'm back here
before the bewitching hour. I don't know if I've mentioned that in the last
fifteen minutes, but everybody's nuts." She handed Jordy the tickets, and
the boy looked at them with wide eyes. "YES, he pilfered them out of your
wallet. And the condom too."
"The con-I didn't, and I--"
"He knows its Roy's fault."
The boy breathed a sigh of relief. His body grew rigid, however, when he
saw a shadow move in the doorway behind Mara. "I was just. we were just.
we're all just. and then."
Mara slapped her hand over his mouth, then turned to the darkness. "What
did I say? You can scare, or you can search. You already searched for the
Just then, the figure stepped out of the shadows. The cowl was pulled back
on the Batman costume, and Bruce Wayne stared down at the two teenagers, no
expression upon his face. "You'll have her back here by midnight," he
informed the young man. His voice lacked both the Dark Knight's granular
nature, and Brucie's flippancy. What Jordan Rayner was seeing was a new
creature. "And. have a good time."
Two jaws dropped as far as they would go just as the man before them
disappeared back into the cave.
The boy a line of sweat from his forehead. "NOW I'm afraid."