Author: Marx810 PM
Mindy comes down with a bug, and much to her dismay she's left with a babysitter. None other than her 'sidekick', Dave. Will he survive trying to babysit the most deadly 11 year old in the world? Tune in to see. Rated M for language.Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor - Dave L./Kick-Ass & Mindy M./Hit Girl - Words: 3,428 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 4 - Published: 01-27-13 - Status: Complete - id: 8952928
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
(A/N: So this story was pretty much completely inspired by "Precocious Crush" by Makokam. A great story if you're a fan of Kick Ass. And as anyone whose read any of my stories knows I'm always up for a challenge and I thought I'd give a Dave/Mindy fic a shot and see what happens. This story's just a little one shot done for his Mindy vs. Bed Rest contest, and I'm pretty happy with the way it came out.
Doing this story has actually inspired me to do another Dave/Mindy fic which will definitely be risqué than this one(don't worry, I'll age them up) and I think it'll have a lot of potential. Oh for those of you who have me on Author Alert, I will be finishing up some of my other stories this year, made a New Years Resolution for it and everything. This includes…yes…you heard it here first…more chapters to 'Wakey Wakey'. Boom goes the dynamite. Annnd here we go with this story)
Something was wrong. Hit Girl couldn't exactly tell what it was, but reality seemed to be warping in and out of existence. She was fighting it with all she had but the darkness continued to close in on her. There were flashes though, in fact, she was pretty sure she was being carried somewhere. The present wasn't doing her any good, so she tried to piece together the past. However, all she could put together was the fact that she'd been doing something with Kick Ass and then things went weird… She was drugged. That was the only thing that made any sense. Unfortunately, as soon as Hit Girl got even that much comprehension, that was when things went black completely and she could only hope that Dave could come to her rescue.
A small moan escaped Mindy's lips as she woke up. A few things immediately became evident. Firstly, she could barely move. Secondly, her mask and wig were no longer on. But thirdly, and the most important, she wasn't alone in the room. Mindy took in all these things without opening her eyes. Nothing was happening to her just yet, so she figured she had some time before whoever captured her started to do whatever they were going to do. With some effort, she opened her eyes and tried to take in her surroundings.
"Mindy? Are you awake?" Dave's voice rang out, as his face came into view, also without his mask.
"…Dave…? Where am I? What happened?" Mindy croaked out. The effort it took to talk, made the overall soreness of her body very evident.
Dave's expression was curious and made Mindy worry even more. "Mindy…you're at your house."
Mindy blinked at the news and raised her head to look around. Surely enough, Dave was right, they were in her room, and she was laying in her bed. At least that explained why they were both dressed as civilians. "W-wha? Drugged…"
"You fell off the building during our stakeout. I barely got you in time." Dave looked a little worried, but his expression quickly turned unusually stern. "And you weren't drugged, Mindy. Why didn't you tell me you were sick?"
Mindy seemed to have to pause and take this in as well, turning over to face Dave, who was standing with his arms crossed, glaring down at her. "...not…sick. It was just a little cough."
Dave continued glaring daggers. "Little cough, my ass. In case you missed it, you passed out on top of a fucking building! You had no business being out tonight."
Sensing the condescension, Mindy immediately began to retaliate. "Don't you get all uppity with me, bitch!"
"Or what? You can barely sit up, Mindy." For once, Mindy's scowling didn't fill Dave with the fear of the damned. Or even the fear of anyone who knows her. She was far from Hit Girl at the moment. She was merely a sick girl who needed to be taken care of, whether she acknowledged it or not.
A growl escaped Mindy's lips, as she did, in fact, force herself to sit up. But the effort it took to do even that, showed how far she was from being ready to do anything resembling roof hopping. "…fine. How'd the stakeout go?"
While Dave wasn't trying to be condescending, that was exactly what his expression portrayed. "You. Fell. Off. A. Build. Ing."
"Oh stop being such a pussy. I'm fine. If you're going to act like this everytime I get the sniffles-"
"Hey, one of us is getting our asses kicked by Darth Influenza and it's not me." Dave replied. "You needed to get home, so I carried you home. I'm not apologizing for that."
Mindy let out a long, drawn out sigh as she looked over to the clock. "Fine. I guess you can go home then. Marcus will be back soon."
"Actually…he has to work late today, so you're stuck with me."
There was a very awkward pause as Mindy gave Dave a look. "Marcus left you to…babysit me?"
"Uh…" Dave knew enough that even with Mindy being sick, it wasn't wise to push her too far. He knew what she was capable of when she was injured, she could probably still remain lethal when she's sick. "He didn't use the word, 'babysit'. It was more…'If you let my daughter leave this house, I'm going to fucking arrest your ass.' Or something like that. "
One of Mindy's…quite disturbing smiles made itself clear. "So instead of doing some bullshit jail time, you agreed to try to make me do something…that I don't want to do?"
"If the alternative's you getting hurt? Yeah, that's exactly what I did. And you know what? I'd fucking do it again. I'm not taking my eyes off you."
"Oh yeah? Well, I can guaran-fucking-tee that the next three words out of my mouth are going to make you regret that decision more than anything in your entire fucking life."
Dave grinned, totally willing to take this particular challenge. "Try me."
"I. Gotta. Pee."
"Ha. Good try." Dave replied, rolling his eyes. A shiver suddenly went through him as Mindy smiled even wider.
"I'm a girl. We tend to have to pee a lot." Mindy flashed Dave her best 'innocent' look. "Is that a problem?"
"You're a real bitch, you know that?"
Mindy's innocent act immediately faded. "You can't honestly be figuring this out just n- AAAAGH! WHAT THE FUCK!? PUT ME THE FUCK DOWN, YOU ASS, BEFORE I…FUCKING…um…rip off your face with my bare hands and shove it up your ass!" Immediately, she began punching Dave wherever she could reach, as hard as she could. He was just asking for it.
Dave was completely unfazed by the punches and giving her a suspicious look. They could barely have even been called punches. Mindy must have been a lot weaker than she realized. "…wow…you must be sick. Compared to your usual threats, that was kind of pathetic. That and you're punching like a girl."
"You…are such a dick."
"I learned from the best." Dave replied, finally setting Mindy down.
Mindy was obviously waiting for Dave to leave and when all she saw was him standing there with a not so hidden irritation in his face, she realized he genuinely wasn't going to leave. "For fuck's sake, Dave there aren't even any windows in the bathroom, where the fuck am I gonna go?! Look, I promise I won't try to go anywhere, just close the fucking door already!"
Mindy's reaction let Dave know one thing above all else. She wasn't just fucking with him, she legitimately had to pee and the idea of him being there was freaking her out. He could probably have some fun with that. "Hm…I think I specifically remember someone saying 'Goddammit, Dave. You're so fucking gullible. You can't just trust people like that because they made a promise.' Or was that some other bad ass 11 year old girl?"
"I didn't mean me, fucktard! Stop being such a…stupid…" Once more, Mindy's usually quick wit with insults was deserting her.
"Fine fine, I'll be right outside." Dave interrupted. It wasn't nearly as much fun teasing her when she was getting that level of distressed. Besides, if there were any 'accidents' he'd be the one to have to clean it. A bit far to go just so he can finally get the better of her…even though he knew he'd be paying for this later. Mindy finally made her way back out of the bathroom, though she was obviously still pretty weak, and was shuffling more than walking.
"Fuck me, this is just getting more and more embarrassing." Mindy muttered, her shoulders drooping down in defeat.
"Yeah, well at least you didn't have a bunch of guys electrocute your balls."
Mindy paused and turned up to Dave. "…dude, you've gotta stop playing that card."
"Psh, whatever." Dave chuckled. "Tell you what, when you've got your balls electrocuted for hours for information you don't have, come back to me. Oh…wait…you don't have any."
Mindy rolled her eyes. "Fuck you, mine are bigger than yours."
Dave rolled his eyes. "Uh huh. You ready to get something to eat?"
"Yeah, I guess." Mindy's eyes shot wide when she saw Dave bending over in her direction. " Dave, don't you fucking dare! I swear, you pick me up again and electrocuted nuts will be the least of your- GODAMMIT DAVE!"
"Yeah, yeah, I don't feel like waiting for your slow ass to get down the stairs." Dave retorted, carrying Mindy down the stairs. Oh, how much he was going to pay for this later, when Mindy was feeling better. But knowing that just means he should have as much fun with the situation as he can. When he put Mindy down, she was practically glaring bazookas into him. "Okay, so what do you want?"
Mindy's fury was momentarily curbed by the question. "Um…a burger. There should be some in the freez-"
"Chicken noodle soup it is." Dave replied pulling out the can.
"Dave…" Mindy growled. "We're in a kitchen. Where all the knives are." This was when she broke out her 'little girl smile'. There was always something that especially creeped Dave out about that smile. She usually wore it before decapitations. "I can always just wait until you're not expecting it because I'm all 'weak and helpless', and you'll never have to worry about being electrocuted there again."
There was an almost audible silence as Dave turned over to her. "Threaten me all you want. You're sick, and you're having soup. It'll help you feel better and then you'll actually be able to back your threats up. How about I let you pick what soup you want?"
Silence again. "…Cream of chicken then, motherfucker. And you better make it with milk. If that shit's made with water I'm throwing it in your face."
Dave chuckled. "Cream of chicken. Milk. Got it." He repeated, making it as Mindy requested. As grudgingly as she was acting, she did eat it in the end…while Dave ate a burger…the fucker…
"Daaaave?" Mindy called 'sweetly' after they'd finished. "I see that look in your face. And if you try to carry me again up those stairs, I'm going to make you wish your mom-"
"Dave-Mom rule." Dave interrupted. It was an odd agreement they struck awhile ago. Mindy had a plethora of mom oriented threats, but agreed that since Dave's mom was dead and they were friends, she wouldn't use them on him.
"Oh…right…fuck, it was a good one too."
"I somehow doubt it." Dave replied with a grin.
Mindy tilted her head back so that she was looking at the ceiling. To be truthful she was starting to get quite the headache but she'd be damned if she was going to cop to it. "We really are like Batman and Robin aren't we? Even parent-wise…"
"Well…not quite…" Dave kind of hated to bring this up, but the comic nerd in him wouldn't let it go. "If you're Batman and I'm Robin, my Dad's still alive so it doesn't really work."
Mindy rolled her eyes. "Obviously you're Tim Drake, dumbass. He still had a parent until that Identity Crisis bullshit."
"Hm…" Dave got a thoughtful expression. "You know…with the exception of the parents thing, I'd say you're the most like the current Robin."
"Why? She a blonde chick?"
"No…well…yeah there was a blonde chick, but she sucked." Dave replied. "The current one's an 11 year old assassin. Or was, he's reformed more or less."
"Ha! Now I know you're bullshitting me." But then Mindy looked at Dave's face. He had his, 'I know more about current comics than you do' smile on. Mindy returned it with one of her own. "Wait…seriously? Does he use swords?"
Dave pulled his phone out of his pocket, and in shortly showed her the answer, grinning all the more at her enthusiasm. He sometimes forgot that most of the comics she was into were older ones.
"Fuckin' A." Mindy exclaimed, gleefully. "So who is he?"
Dave almost answered this question with the short, obvious answer. But then he realized that for the moment, Mindy had forgotten that she was supposed to be annoyed at him, so he decided to stretch out this particular tidbit of information from a simple answer into a detailed origin story.
"So he becomes an immortal Batman who kills people? Badass. What about Tim?"
And so began the following hours in which Dave continued filling Mindy in with all the pointless current comic book knowledge her brain could handle.
"Wait…" Mindy interrupted. "Didn't they like…literally just reboot the entire universe with that gay 52 thing?"
"That just changed a few things." Dave replied. "This is a whole different thing, like Marvel's Ultimate universe…just in the regular one. Most people have different, movie friendly costumes and everything."
"Oh? So they finally got Aquaman out of that retarded orange and green then?"
Dave paused. "…er…about that…"
And the two heroes continued to compare notes. Dave chose to let Mindy go back up the stairs under her own power, which took a good while, but it wasn't like they were in a rush. At the rate they were going, the make Mindy forget her annoyance plan was going excellently. Well…there was that one point where Mindy got a little pissed at him.
"You're a fucking dumbass, Dave. It's a really simple fucking equation." Mindy rolled her eyes. "You put all the Batgirls in one room, fight to the death. Who wins?"
Dave sighed. "Cassandra Cain easily, but-"
"You put all the other Batgirls and have them team up against Cassandra Cain, who wins?"
"…Cassandra Cain, but that doesn't make her the best Batgirl."
"Actually, Dave. Yes it does. That's exactly what it makes her. Cuz she's fucking awesome and Barbara Gordon's a dumb, slutty bitch-whore who should have stayed paralyzed."
Dave paused. "…Barbara Gordon's not dumb…"
And so the conversation went on…
"…I'm assuming it's pronounced 'Hell' even though it looks like it should be pronounced 'Huh-ell', since the arc's called 'H'el on Earth', right?"
And went on…
"So…Peter died, and was almost immediately replaced by a little kid…whose conveniently really smart for his age…who can turn invisible and shock people and shit?" Mindy asked, confused.
"You forgot that he's…" Dave looked for the right word. "Blackspanic?"
Mindy shook her head. "Dave, Dave, Dave… the politically correct term is African Hispanican." She then took her congratulatory fist bump with pride. "But seriously, dude…what the fuck?"
And went on…
Mindy's left eye was twitching as she looked at the picture on Dave's phone. "But…why?...Why's she look like such a whore? I don't even mean that as an insult. She looks like she stands on the corner and sucks cocks of people with a clown fetish."
"Suppose I shouldn't mention that she tried to staple the Joker's face on Deadshot and rape him?"
"…what the fuuuuuck?"
And went on…
"And then Apocalypse got reincarnated into this little kid, who got shot in the face, died, and got cloned or something so now there's a kid version of Apocalypse named Genesis, whose good now and is friends with Angel, whose had his mind wiped after he was Apocalypse, and thinks he's a real life angel."
"…what…that….the fuck? Are you sure you're not making this shit up?"
And went on…until finally…
"And so Jean is finally like, 'How did I die?' and Beast, without missing a beat, with a smile, mind you, goes 'Which time?'." Dave paused and waited for the appropriate laughter or at the very least a 'Ha!' when he looked over to see Mindy had fallen asleep. With a smile, Dave leaned over and kissed Mindy on the forehead, something he'd never have done if she were conscious.
A few hours later Marcus suspiciously opened the front door. While his threat to arrest Dave hadn't been serious at the time, if Mindy was not in this house, he and that boy were going to have some serious words…and he might lock him up just to prove a point. The good news was he heard something coming from upstairs, and making his way up could just make it out. It sounded like a kung fu movie or something. He stopped when he heard something over that…singing?
"I will be your Gun Jack, Baby!
I'm awesome cuz I'm a fuckin' robot!
Cuz I will be your Gun Jack Baby!
I…will…punch…you in the face!"
Marcus raised an eyebrow, as he looked into Mindy's room and saw Dave singing while apparently playing a video game. As soon as Dave saw Marcus, he immediately blanked, cutting off a possible second verse to 'Gun Jack will be your hero'. Dave nodded his head, and when Marcus followed the nod a smile formed on his face, when he saw Mindy sleeping over the other video game controller. "How long has she been asleep?"
"Oh no, she's not asleep." Dave replied, chuckling. "As she said the second time she woke up, 'That medicine being drowsy's all bullshit, I can totally beat that motherfucker.' I will give her props for waking up three times so far…"
Marcus chuckled, having no problem believing that. "Well, I appreciate the help, Dave. I think I can take it from here."
"Heh, sure, now that I've done all the hard work." Dave teased, as he got up and stretched. "I will be expecting full compensation though."
This caught Marcus' attention. "Compensation?"
"Yeah, for my hospital bills when Mindy's feeling better and kicks my ass."
"Fair enough." Marcus laughed. "You just make sure she's not out sick like that again." And then he smiled. And there was something about that smile that made his statement sound much more like the threat it was intended. All it was lacking was the 'or else'.
As Dave slunk out of the house, he could be heard muttering, "Are they sure they're not blood related…?"
(A/N: For those curious, I could have easily written the entire 'comic book discussion' instead of the snippets but I thought that might get a bit old, especially if you don't read comics. I do think that and Mindy's frustration/insults were the most fun I had in doing this one. As usual, feel free to review and fill me with your praises of my awesome, or say I suck, whichever's all good by me. ;P)