|Court in Session
Author: Greenx91 PM
The ultimate parody of Ace Attorney that will have ever been accomplished! Follow Phoenix and Co. as they all try to survive the judicial system run by beards and nonsense. People will be killed, will cry, and most likely be objected by guys who can't keep their voice down. This parody will go one part of a case per chapter. Current Status: Case 2 Part 3.Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Phoenix W./Nick - Chapters: 4 - Words: 6,829 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 03-09-13 - Published: 01-31-13 - id: 8964183
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Game- Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney
Episode 1:The Fourth First Turnabout
"Dear Diary," Phoenix wrote. "Today is my first day working at Capcom. According to my agent, I play as an attorney who solves mystery cases or something. I don't get it either. I guess this game is based off of that Perry Mason guy, but who cares. I've got a job! For now at least. But still, a game about a lawyer? Seriously? What a bad premise we have here. I'm not the only who thinks that, though. Everyone here thinks that this game will bomb. Oh well. All and all, I'm a lucky girl who wants to live life to its fullest. Less than three!" Phoenix closed his diary, and hid it in his pocket.
Phoenix was standing in the well-known Defendant Lobby. He was nervous of his debut and needed someone to talk to. "C-cheif? Are you sure I-I'm ready for this? I'm kinda nervous."
The 'chief' Phoenix was referring to was Mia Fey, a sweet and kind person who helped him be where he is today. She slapped him. "Does it look like I give a damn about how nervous you are? What do you want me to do? Hug you, ya wimp?"
"A hug would help," Phoenix held his arms out to prepare for the possible hug.
Mia stared vacantly at the ridiculousness that was her new employee.
It was time for court and the two attorneys entered the courtroom.
The judge banged his gavel to call attention to the trial's start. "Court is now in session!" The elderly man looked to his right and saw an unfamiliar man. "Oh, I see we have a new lawyer! I think I'll give a quiz! Mr. Lawyer man. What is your-" The judge was halted by a sudden rush of feeling in his cheek.
"Get on with trial, old man!" Mia returned to her first location and stood next to Phoenix.
"But I like giving out my quizzes! It helps me learn a little bit about the new kid on the block."
"Are you insinuating that you ask questions to attain information about a minor that resides down the street of which you live in, your honor?" Phoenix said. "If you are, I say that's case closed because I believe the real murderer is YOU!" Phoenix points his unfortunately swelling index finger towards the judge.
"No! That's not true! Pedophilia does not a murderer make!" The judge had a violent breakdown which involved him taking a baby out of his beard.
"Your honor, stop!" cried the fragile Winston Payne, a man that looks your momma look like a real man. "You're not a murderer! You're not even a pedophile!"
"Oh, right. I declare myself
of murderedness and pedophilia. Hurraa-" The judge was slapped again.
"Prosecutor Payne, bring in the defendant," demanded Mia.
Larry walked in with as much swag he could carry and stood proud and tall.
Winston began his interrogation. "So, Larry Butz... did you do it?"
"No." He immediately lost all the swag.
"You're lying damnit!" Payne punched his stand and broke it. "I'm going to prove it! I have a witness! Bring in Mr. Frank Sawhit!"
A creepy looking man with a gross mole on his forehead enters. "Herro, eboriibodii! Ai isu so hapi dato no wan hasu notesude data ai emu nata ririi ei riiu US shitezenu!"
"What the heck did that Mexican just say?" The judge asked.
Payne answered, "He said 'Hello everybody. I is so happy that... um, I am playing my role as a legal and responsible US citizen by providing testimony'."
"Well, isn't that nice. We could use some more patriotism here. Proceed."
Statement-1:Ai wasa warukingu suru te haru.
Statement-2:Den, ai sa data man ata wan o kuraku!
Judge:Hm, I'm almost positive that the defendant is the killer.
What a great judge we have today. I'm glad at least one person here is willing to hear all the facts before judging, thought Phoenix. "So... what now?" Phoenix asked Mia, before she slapped him for ignorance.
"What do you mean 'what now'? Didn't you get a degree in law?"
"Actually, I just got from an online school. It was ch-" *slap*
Mia sighed. "It's time for the cross-examination. Basically, you will have to question the witness. My advice is to find everything wrong with a person's testimony and to make a big deal out of it."
"What if there's nothing wrong with it?"
"Then you lie like a dog!"
Statement-1:Ai wasa warukingu suru te haru.
"Hold it-You talk funny. What's your nationality?"
"Iwata *cough* do you mean? I am Americano."
This surprised Phoenix. "Really? I could have sworn you were Asian, like a Japanese or something."
"Nani! *cough* I mean 'What'! The only Japanese on me is the few overused words like 'kawaii' or 'daisuki' and some honorifics like 'chan', 'kun', and 'san'. Why would you ever think that I am Japanese... desuka?"
Statement-2:Den, ai sa data woman dedo ata wan o kuraku!
"Hold it-Where's...the evidence? I'm supposed to object here!" Phoenix gazed at Payne.
"Oh right," The prosecutor pulled out a K-mart bag and pulled out various things.
"That's good," Phoenix cleared his throat and yelled, "OBJECTION! According to this autopsy, the victim died at four, not at one!"
The judge slammed his gavel and asked the witness why there is a three hour gap.
Statement-2:Ai herudo it on a kuraku.
"You may proceed, Mr..." The judge stared at Phoenix, looking for a response.
Why is he- oh wait. That's right, he doesn't know my name yet since Mia interrupted him. Phoenix thought. "It's Ph- *slap* ow!"
"Quit wasting time and cross-examine him!" Mia yelled.
"Hold it-what was that elipsis for? Could you be thinking of a lie?"
"I thought so."
Statement-2:Ai herudo it on a kuraku.
"OBJECTION! There was no clock in the victim room!"
The judge interposed and asked "Who is the victim anyway?"
Phoenix slammed his desk. "It doesn't matter. We'll never reference her again. Here in court, bodies are just excuse plots to have a trial, like getting a princess kidnapped or something. In any case, what clock, Mr. Sawhit?"
"Is that so? How did you know the statue was a clock because last time I checked, STATUES ARE NOT CLOCKS!"
"In Japan, dei aru."
"It doesn't matter," Mia said. "I've found that the statue announces the time if you move its head. This means that someone turned it and we, the defense, accuse that Mr. Sawhit is the true killer!"
"Mia! How could you accuse him!" Phoenix was feeling nauseous from the guilt.
"Trust me, Wry. This is the only way the defense can win in this cruel world." Phoenix didn't believe her, but stayed silent, despite receiving a slap for no reason.
"Data isu *cough* I mean, that is not true! Tell them, Payne-san!"
"Sorry, can't. I'm eating pancakes."
"Fine. I'll defend myself. If I killed, er, whoever that was killed, at four, then why is the clock three hours late?"
"Damn, I don't have any- *slap* -would you stop doing that!"
"Just lie, Wry. Show the passport," advised Mia.
Phoenix nodded and threw his hand up in the air with the document in hand. "The passport is my explanation (apparently)!"
The judge stared vacantly. "How?"
"..." Phoenix got angry and just punched the statue for no reason.
"Ow! What the hell were you thinking, bub? Why'd you punch me?" said the statue.
"I dunno. I just got angry... did you just talk?"
"Sure, why not."
"Oh, I see." Phoenix thought nothing of this, but he got a crazy idea. "Your honor! The defense claims that this statue is the true killer!"
The judge nodded. "Is that so. Well, statue? Did you kill the victim?"
"Well, in that case, I declare that all hairy butts are
of murder. You may all go."
Payne finished his late breakfast and asked the judge, "What will we do with the statue and the accomplice?"
"Accomplice?" Sawhit began shaking with fear.
"Yes, accomplice," The judge said. "Clearly, the defense knows what transpired that day. They didn't accuse you of murder for no reason, you know. Throw them both to jail immediately. Court Dismissed!"
Phoenix walked to the lobby very slowly. He was silent in both mouth and mind.
His friend Larry walked up to him. "Thanks, Nick. I owe you one."
Mia came in the scene with a wide smile. "Great win. Good job Wry."
Mia captured Larry and his lower friend's attention. "Hey, thanks for what you did. Here's a gift," Larry pulled out a statue. "Don't worry about this killing you. This one isn't mysteriously possessed. I think."
"Thanks for the gift," Mia said with great disinterest.
"No problem, Nick's friend!"
"Prick? That's a good nickname. I like it." Mia turned to Phoenix. "So, how do you feel winning you first trial?"
A rush of anger entered Phoenix, but he kept it inside. Instead, he only said, "Terrible."
"Whatever," Mia bluntly said. "Maybe later you can tell me how you met what-his-face."
She left and Phoenix was left alone. To save someone, I had to put the blame on someone else? Did I make the right choice becoming a lawyer? Doesn't matter right now. I have to do something about Mia right now. Phoenix finished his inner monologue and also left. Right after he was slapped again.
End of case Author's Note:
The fourth and final time I'm doing this. I will explain my reasoning later as time passes. Read the original Court in 500 words parody if you'd like. Review every once in a while too, in the case I forget. Well, that's all I have to say right now. See you at the end of the next case.