***YOU KNOW THE DRILL ... ALL THINGS STAR WARS IS NOT MINE. THIS IS JUST
This vignette makes up for that tear-jerker "Jagged." Hope you like!! :)
For the longest time I have been trying to find a way to describe to you
how I feel. I love you so much. I want to tell anyone who will listen,
shout it from the highest mountain top. Sing it from the...
Sing? I don't sing.
When I first saw you, my breath caught in my throat. You were the most
beautiful woman I had ever seen...
'Were'? Shouldn't that say 'are'?
My father once said that the only woman who would be able to capture my
interest would be a fellow pilot. I guess that's you, for you flew your X-
wing straight into my life, launched a proton torpedo deep into my
Okay, that's just stupid!
I'm usually good at articulating my thoughts and verbalizing them. Somehow,
when I am around you, I lose all train of thought and I become tongue-tied.
There is so much I want to tell you yet I find myself at a loss for words.
I'm not accustomed to feeling that way and I have been trying for months to
figure out why you have this affect on me. What is it about you that leaves
me unable to think, unable to breathe? I believe I have discovered the
answer to that question...
That doesn't sound so bad.
I do not usually transcribe my thoughts and feelings on data disks, however
this time I find it more comforting to do so than actually speaking the
words. This way, I don't sound like an idiot if something slips from my
lips that I never intended. This way, I can just delete them and start
I've been deleting and starting over for the last forty-five minutes.
Lieutenant Jaina Solo.
I don't know what it is about her that captivates me so. We argue more than
we actually talk. While we were on Hapes we had a number of encounters that
left me puzzled and questioning my own morals and ideas. I don't like
feeling this way. I have always been in control. I have always been aware
of what was going on inside me and I have successfully been able to
articulate those emotions in a way that was suitable and expected of me.
However, when I'm around Jaina, I lose all sense of thought.
It's the most frustrating thing that has happened to me in a very long
time. I don't like being frustrated. I don't like this uncertainty that
seems to follow me everywhere I go lately.
Shawnkyr doesn't like it, either, and has told me so on a number of
occasions. She isn't too fond of Jaina and I believe the feeling is mutual.
There is nothing I can do about that. They will either learn to like each
other or they will go in the opposite direction when they see the other
approach. At the very least, they may respect each other.
My letter to Jaina will have to wait until later. I am having dinner with
Uncle Wedge and his family tonight. It's strange, you know. I have been on
Borleias for less than two hours and I hardly know my uncle, yet he treats
me as if he has known me my entire life. I don't know how much of that has
to do with me personally. I believe he feels close to my mother in some
ways when I'm around. I don't mind that too much. Mother misses him a great
deal, that is something that has never deteriorated over the years.
Should I wear my uniform or civilian clothes? I'm not good at being social.
So much of my life is grounded in the military, I very rarely have time for
a social life. My sisters would laugh if they saw me like this. I guess
I'll wear the civvies.
I changed quickly, putting on a crisp white shirt, black trousers and my
boots. Was it acceptable to be nervous about this dinner? It shouldn't be
yet I find myself anxious about tonight. Uncle Wedge and Aunt Iella will
most likely ask me a lot of questions about my life. How to answer? Maybe I
should just feign an illness.
No. The last time I did that Father dragged me out of bed by the earlobe
and marched me down to headquarters in my underwear. I'll spare my dignity
I crossed the space of my small quarters and hit the panel on the wall. The
door rolled back and much to my surprise Jaina was standing there, her left
hand hovering in mid-knock.
She started, surprised. I imagine my face looked the same. "Hi." Her hand
lowered to her side. She grinned, a blush hitting her cheeks.
"Hi." How was it possible that she looked even more beautiful to me?
"Would you mind if I came in?"
Was that loud noise I heard something crashing or was it my heart? I do
believe it was the latter. I hope she can't hear it.
"I was just on my way out to have dinner with Uncle Wedge."
"Oh." Jaina frowned.
"However, I can spare a few minutes."
I moved away from the door and she stepped into my room. Her fingers grazed
my arm in passing. They were warm against my skin and I think my heart just
skipped a beat.
The door closed behind me and I turned to face Jaina. She was standing in
the middle of the room, giving it a quick glance. When she looked back at
me there was hint of amusement in her eyes.
"You don't believe in decoration, do you?"
It took me a moment to realize what she meant. "I have a few personal
belongings I brought with me. I haven't had a chance to put them out yet."
When I told her a few, I wasn't kidding. A picture of my family, a book
that I've read a thousand times, my favourite movie not starring my
"I won't keep you long." She smiled, the gesture taking away some of the
weariness that seemed to follow her lately. I understand how she must be
feeling regarding the loss of her brothers. There isn't a day that goes by
where I'm not thinking about Davin and Cherith.
"I just wanted to come by and thank you for volunteering to fly with Twin
Suns. That mustn't have been an easy decision for you, Jag."
I wish she would say my name again. I love how it sounds against her lips.
Listen to me! I sound like someone straight out of those mushy holovids my
mother use to make. Still, the way Jaina said my name made my heart skip
I quickly composed myself. "I can follow orders as well I give them. I'm
honoured to be flying under your command." There. That was a more plausible
response than "Would you say my name again? Please? I like hearing you say
The smile never left her face. "Well, that's really all I wanted to say.
Some of the pilots are getting together for breakfast in the morning. It's
sort of a meet-and-greet thing. Will you be there?"
Did she sound hopeful? I think so. I HOPE so. There I go again. "I will
make every effort to be there." I didn't want to sound too anxious even
though I would have stood on my head and counted to one thousand if she
asked me to.
Jaina nodded and turned her stare toward the opening in the wall that some
could call a window. "Well, if you can make it, we'll be meeting around oh-
eight-hundred." She took a step toward the window. "You have a nice view
from here. My window faces the other end of the barracks..."
I didn't hear the rest of what she said. Jaina was standing at the table by
the window. The table where the data pad with the letter I had been writing
was sitting. I hadn't closed it and if she glanced down, she would see
every word I had typed. I held my breath, my heart skipped a few more
times. I think I need to see a medic for I seem to be suffering from heart
"I really hadn't noticed the view. I've only gotten settled in here."
Please don't look down. Please don't look down.
She looked down.
The urge to slap my hand against my forehead and insult myself came and
went. There was nothing I could do now. As soon as Jaina saw the first two
words, she bent a little further to read the rest of what I had written.
Her expression was impassive.
Perhaps now was a good time to feign that illness.
Jaina came up suddenly, turned to face me. I couldn't tell what was going
through her mind. I hope she wasn't trying to read mine. This does not bode
well. What if she doesn't feel the same way? What if I'm in love with a
woman who thinks I'm nothing more than an arrogant, stuck-up fighter pilot
with an ego the size of ten moons?
I guess she wouldn't be too far off on that one. I know I've heard that
said about me a lot. Perhaps there was some truth to it.
"What's the answer?"
I blinked a few times. Was it hot in here? No. It was just me.
"The answer to what?"
"No, I don't." I was so shell-shocked that she had seen the letter, I
really did forget what I wrote. I don't think I've been this embarrassed.
A smile touched her lips as Jaina crossed her arms against her chest.
Great. She thought my discomfiture was amusing. Forget feigning illness.
I'll just pass out right here. I won't wake up for a few days. This way,
she'll forget the whole thing.
I tried to make my knees go weak, tried to make it look as if I wasn't
faking a fainting spell. It didn't work. I was still upright.
Guess there can only be one actor in the family.
Jaina kept her stare on me while she spoke. I felt like I was being
interrogated by Father. "You wrote: 'I'm not accustomed to feeling that way
and I have been trying for months to figure out why you have this affect on
me. What is it about you that leaves me unable to think, unable to breathe?
I believe I have discovered the answer to that question...' What's the
Well, the moment of truth. I guess I was as prepared as ever. She'll either
laugh her pretty little head off and run out of the room or tell me I'm a
fool for thinking that any woman would fall for a guy like me. I've heard
that line a few times before too.
I took a deep breath. Here goes:
"I believe the answer to that question is very simple. I'm impressed by
your Jedi talents, by your piloting skills. Your frankness is refreshing,
your stubbornness a challenge. You frustrate me, make me angry and leave me
wondering sometimes why I even bother talking to you. Yet, somehow you have
found a way to make me laugh. To make me smile. To make me feel not so
grim. I care about you, Jaina. I have since the moment I met you."
I think if I had come right out and told her that I loved her she would
have run screaming. I don't know if she's ready to hear that. I don't know
if I'm ready to say it.
The silence that followed my admission was much longer than I anticipated.
Jaina stood frozen in her spot, studying me. I felt like I was under a
microscope. Maybe if I backed up and walked out of the room I could avoid
any further humiliation.
Jaina prevented me from doing just that for she came over and stood
directly in front of me. Has anyone told her how beautiful her eyes were? I
wonder if her hair is soft, if her skin is just as silky. I better stop
thinking like that. She may get a sense of my thoughts and slap me for
She reached up, placing her hands on either side of my face. Surprised, I
just looked at her. What was she doing?
"I care about you, too, Jag."
I do believe I'm suffering from heart problems for it seemed ready to leap
from my chest. She startled me by leaning forward, placing a soft kiss
against the corner of my mouth. Here, it seemed to say, I have marked this
spot and this is where my lips will rest. I blinked, enchanted, as she ran
a finger along my jaw line, as if she were testing the angle of it.
I have never been a man of touch. It wasn't that I didn't like being
touched, it was just something I had not been accustomed to. Mother would
get upset sometimes with me for that, saying that I had an almost icy
reserve that warned people to stay way from me.
Yet I found that I could not move away from Jaina's curious fingers.
Helpless. That's how I felt at this very moment. I didn't like that at all.
I mean, I liked the feel of Jaina's lips against mine, I just didn't like
the feeling of vulnerability that went with it.
She must have sensed that for she pulled back from me, her eyes still
focused on my face. Jaina blushed. I couldn't hide my smile.
"I better get going. You don't want to keep Wedge waiting any longer."
"Yes. I should have been there a few minutes ago." I didn't want to leave.
Jaina walked to the door and I opened it for her. I followed her out into
the hallway. I didn't see anyone else around. Perhaps that was a good
thing. I don't think Han Solo would like hearing that his daughter was in
my room, even it was completely innocent.
"So, will you be having breakfast with us?"
"Of course." Perhaps I could find a way for just the two of us to enjoy
breakfast alone. That shouldn't be too hard, given my uncle's status here.
"Good. I'll see you then."
Jaina smiled again then turned down the hallway. I watched her until she
faded from sight, and even after that. For the first time in years I felt
alive. It was as if a tremendous weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
It felt as if I could forget my upbringing and just be myself.
Perhaps there was hope for me after all.