Final Fantasy XVI: The Revenge of the Fishglobe
Rating: PG-13 for much swearing, sexual innuendo, pointless violence, and drugs.
Note: Any words or names that appear to be the same as in other copyrighted works are not. They may be spelled the same, but they are pronounced differently, and therefore not subject to copyright law. (Suckers!)
This is listed in FF, however in order to get full enjoyment you may have also wanted to play: FF 7-10, Skies of Arcadia (aka "Road to Hannukah"), Diablo 2, and Hick Quest. Also, a small knowledge of the characters Jay and Silent Bob would be nice, but not neccesarily neccesary. Oh yeah, some references to the movie "Dogma" as well. And at least one reference to "American Pie". Oh yeah.. one to Dave Barry books as well.
Some things in this story that seem almost right, but not quite, are usually due to random mispronunciations that I did once and now always refer to them as such (examples: Bedge and Wiggs, and Road to Hanukkah).If this story makes any sense to you, you need serious professional help.
Chapter 1: The Beginning
It was a day like any other day, except for one thing: it was thursday. And as everyone knows, strange and mysteriously evil things always happen on thursdays, such as the election of George W. Bush, and the invention of automatic toilets. But this thursday was ever worse, for it was actually: a tuesday!
On that fateful day, Cloud (pronounced Clood) sat of the edge of a random pier and thought, "Gee, I wonder if the world is going to end soon." Then he smoked some weed. All of a sudden, a strange and shiny light appeared in the sky, and Cloud was terrified. The light said, "Fear me, for I am Sephiroth (pronounced Seephiroth) and I art here to destroy thou world. All wilt fear mine crazy Ye Olde English way of talking, for I dost speaketh much like the villains of old. Ha ha ha!"
Cloud immediately jumped into action by wetting himself. Then he was confused by Sephiroth's way of talking. "What are you saying?" he yelled.
"Fool! I doth going to destroy the El World!"
"Oh I didn't think of that yet. Wait! It is because I am the last descendant of the Ancients, who once ruled this world. Or is it because I just found out that I am mortal. Maybe I want to kill everyone to save them from their painful life. Oh what the hell. I doth to destroy the world anyway!"
"Thou really shouldstnt beginneth all thou sentences with "but". But anyway, I wilt droppeth Meteor (pronounced Metor) on the planet, which I shalt summon by using the Ultra Bong Materia. Farewell, pititful commoner!"
Suddenly, the magical cloud of light vanished. Cloud decided to wet himself again. Then he realized, "I need to gather a random group of people to fight this crazed madman. But first, I need a smoke."
So Cloud smoked weed until he passed out.
Chapter 2: The Search
Cloud set out to gather his gang of outlaws, or whatever. On his journey, he passed a bar, so he went in to get drunk. Inside, he found a large crowd of drunken hicks and hobos that randomly decided to fight him, because they already fought the beer. Cloud looked like he was going to die, when all of a sudden, the hot bartender decided to kill all of the bums with her muy martial arts skills of kicking and punching.
After all of the bums were dead, she introduced herself. "Hi, my name's Tifa (pronounced Teefa). Want some booze?"
So Cloud and Tifa promptly got very drunk, and may or may not have nad sex, but neither one can remember. Next morning, Cloud asked Tifa if she wanted to join his quest.
"What's it a quest for?"
"I dunno. Possibly the holy grail?"
So Tifa decided to join Cloud, who spent the rest of the story trying to get into her pants.
Cloud and Tifa soon passed a High School, which was right next to the bar. They went inside in hopes of finding some weed. As they entered, they heard a loud voice yell, "Happy Birthday, Michelle!" They instantly decided that this was the kind of person that they needed on their quest. They went down the halls and soon found jON (ff.net alias "Supreme Llama Fish"), a highly caffinated moron wearing all orange.
"Hey jON," said Tifa, "Want to join our quest?"
jON responded by having an orgy with all of them.
So Cloud eventually acquired a whole party of people to join him, including Michelle, whose job was to be concerned and constantly having her birthday, Jay and Silent Bob, who provided the weed, and Mark (pronounced Fandango), whose job was to die occasionally as the story dictated. They all set out from jON's house on their mightly quest: To find the lost Fishglobe of Mozambique.
Chapter 3: The Party
The party's first concern was to get laid. They therefore needed to find some sort of party at which they could have sex. But where could they find a party? Suddenly jON said, "Hey! I know someone whose birthday it is today! Happy Birthday, Michelle!"
Michelle responded by giving jON the look of death, but since it was too early in the story for jON to die, Mark died instead. Then Tifa said, "I agree with Michelle. Let's go!"
So they all went to Michelle's birthday party. At Michelle's house, they were greeted by a horrible sight. Standing at the door was Sarah "Am I Michelle's Friend or Not?" Johnson. "We'll have to sacrifice someone to get through," said Cloud. So they heaved Mark at Sarah, killing them both, and clearing the way to the party.
Inside was Tony (ff.net alias "Jay Hardrock"), who was basically the same as jON except... except... oh, I'm sure there's a difference somewhere. Wait, that's right! Tony was MIchelle's ex-boyfriend, and Michelle didn't hate him quite as much.
"Hey Tony," said Michelle, "Want to join our quest?"
Tony responded by having an orgy with all of them, except for Michelle, who become so enraged that she killed Mark. And there was much rejoicing. But suddenly, a massive monster entered Michelle's house. The party instantly recognized this as a boss battle, so they drew their swords, machetes, pigeons, etc. to battle the monster.
"Ha ha ha!" said the monster, " I am the mighty Golgothan Shit Demon, sent by Sephiroth to kill you all!"
"Sephiroth?" said Cloud, "Who's Sephiroth?"
"He's the one trying to destroy the world, you fool! You're on a quest to stop him right now!"
"Huh? I thought that our quest was to all get laid before we graduate from high school! Or was it just to find a bathroom?"
"Enough talk!" said jON, and he charged forth with his battle cry of "Happy Birthday Michelle!" Unfortunately, jON become so covered in shit that he suffocated, and Mark died. Cloud used his mightly Buster Sword (much like Buster Boat) on the creature, but it just reformed itself after being cut in half.
"Ha ha ha! Nothing can stop me now!"
Suddenly, Sarah reappeared, and the demon committed suicide. Fortunately, the party had to sacrifice Mark again to kill Sarah.
"Now we know our quest!" said Cloud, "We must go to the North Cave so we can time-compress the world and enter Memoria! Only then can we kill Seymour!" And there was much rejoicing.
Chapter 4: Suddenly
Suddenly, Cloud and his group of transvestites were swept away to the Worldstone Keep, where they could finally confront Baal (pronounced "Ball"). Fortunately, not everyone survived the trip, for Mark died. Then Baal hurled lightning bolts at the party for loitering, and Mark died. Silent Bob decided that he had had enough, and he morphed into a werecheesecake, so he could use his Coconut Fury attack on Baal. Baal died, the worldstone exploded, and thus the world was saved.
"But wait!" said Mark. "Weren't we supposed to kill Sephiroth instead of Baal?"
Mark was instantly killed for his insolence. "Fool!" said Tifa. "Don't you see that we can kill them both for twice the fun?"
"Hey Tifa," said Cloud, "Is that a mirror in your pocket, 'cause can we have sex now?"
Michelle was so enraged by this comment that she killed Jay, who fell on Mark and exploded, killing them both. This was met with mixed feelings, because while everyone was glad that Mark was dead, the death of Jay meant a decrease in the supply of weed. Suddenly they realized that they were all out of weed! The quest for the Moon Crystals could not continue until they got more.
"Hurry!" yelled Silent Bob, "To the Blunt Cave!"
Chapter 5: Ultimecia's Chamber of Secrets
The party raced to the Blunt Cave, hoping that they could arrive before they experienced withdrawal. Michelle said something stupid, like "Drugs are bad," but Bob the drummer was so offended by this comment that he killed Mark in his stoned rage.
When the party arrived at the Blunt Cave, they saw that they were too late. The cave was guarded by the Jester Twins, Bedge and Wiggs. They would stop at nothing to protect the cave and the weed inside. The massive stupidity of jON was nothing compared to that of Bedge and Wiggs. They had abilities of dumbness that could waste the entire party. Silent Bob charged Wedge, killing him, but Wiggs countered with Mega Flare, which revived both of them.
After a long battle, Bedge and Wiggs were near death. Suddenly, they combined into their true form, Yojimbo. Now they were almost unstoppable. They used their infinite powers to summon a tiny dog, which immediately killed Mark. Michelle gave it her look of death, but it only killed Mark. Cloud's Buster Boat attack dealt massive damage, but it was all to Mark, and he died. Tifa summoned her massive martial arts skills to kill Mark. Jay returned from the grave one last time in order to kill Mark. jON just tapped Mark, and he fell over and died.
Suddenly, Yojimbo began to shake. "No!" it bellowed, "The prophecy has come true! When the Mark dies thrice, so shall the infinite power of Yojimbo be undone!" And with that, Yojimbo split into its two original parts, Al Gore and Eleanor Roosevelt. Silent Bob immediately killed these two for the sake of the world, and for the sake of the party.
Suddenly, they could at last enter the Blunt Cave, with all of its bongly goodness. The entire party managed to smoke themselves stupid in about 5.3 seconds. They were joined, of course, by Mr. Rogers and Yoda, who are present in any scene involving drugs. Mr. Rogers suddenly ended the party by using his super drugged-up mystical trolley powers to kill Mark, who had died 15 seconds earlier of a drug overdose.
Suddenly, Sephiroth appeared. "Ha ha! Now I doth to be breakething up this little party!"
Everyone stared at him and said, "What?!?"
"Silence! You all knowest what I dost to be talking about! I am being to destroy this pitiful world because you hath killed the only person who could rule it, or because I hate SeeDs, or something. I only needed the Ultra Bong Materia, and you hast leadeth me right to it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! The Ultra Bong Materia dost beeth right here in this Blunt Cave. Now I haveth all I need to summon Meteor and destroyeth the world. Iw ilt be inside Sin, waiting for the planet to gather spiritual energy and rain down moonstones upon the time-compressed world. And just to showest that I am serious, I shalt kill Mark."
Suddenly, Sephiroth sliced Mark in two with his Masamune (pronounced really big and powerful sword that cleaves people in two a lot). "Ha ha ha ha! You canst ever defeat me! Ha ha ha!" And with that, Sephiroth suddenly flew away.
"We must stop Sephiroth!" said Cloud, "And this time, it's personal!"
"Isn't it already personal?" asked Mark, "I mean, didn't Sephiroth destroy your hometown, or your mom, or maybe he was a childhood friend, possibly a war buddy gone mad?"
Mark payed for his insolence with swift and painful death.
Chapter 6: The Final Tournament
After millenia of pointless journeying, the party (that is, the republican party) finally arrived at Sephiroth's secret lair, in Canada (not pronounced). It was a vast desolate wasteland, filled with, well... nothing. It was the most nothing that could possibly exist in the world. Sephiroth had chosen his lair well. In the vast land of Canada, there was nothing to do but take drugs and have sex. Fortunately, these were the party's only skills.
The gang of hip and happenin' dudes, in other words Silent Bob, descended into a massive orgy of drugs and sex that lasted for an entire fifteen minutes. Then, suddeny, jON spotted a massive Tower of Death rising from Ultimecia's Castle. Mark, who had been sexed to death by Tifa in the orgy, was suddenly killed as an army of undead monsters spewed forth from Mount Arreat. This was the beginning of the end, or possibly just the end of the beginning.
All of the party members prepared their ultimate weapons, which had somehow been acquired during the pointless journey. Cloud readied his Ultimate Weapon, and Tifa put on her infinitely tight T-Shirt. Silent Bob took out his Bongsaber, and Mark died. jON was wearing pants. they all charged into the swarming hordes of the undead.
It was a vicious battle. Suddenly, Mark died almost immediately. Michelle glared evilly at the enemies, and also screamed everytime jON came near her. Tifa used her muy martial arts skill of hitting things. Cloud's Buster Boat killed many undead, and also Mark again. But the most fearsome sight on the field was jON. He kept yelling "Happy Birthday Michelle!" and then trying to avoid her claws of death.
Suddenly the party made it to Shrine Island, the secret entrance to Zanarkand. The only thing left to do was kill Sephiroth, and also some of his minions. At the top of the tower, the party suddenly saw Sephiroth. He was floating in the air, like a one-winged angel in trance pulling a sword out of its chest.
Sephiroth spoke with a voice that was somehow different, except that it was exactly the same as before. "So," he said, "You hast suddenly found mine muy lair, deep within the lost continent of Soltis. Now I have finally figured out why I want to destroy the world. It is because I dost angry about how God always giveth better treatment to humans than angels, even though he didst maketh us first. I wilt crusheth thou all, but first thou must defeateth Jenova, Greaver, Deathguise, and Braska's Final Aeon. Ha ha ha ha!"
Suddenly, the party defeated Jenova, Greaver, Deathguise, and Braska's Final Aeon, but Mark was killed in each battle.
"Very good," said Sephiroth, "But now you must defeat me, which you can never do, for I doth invincible! Now I can enter the church, destroy the crystal, absorb the planet's energy, and become the next Sin! Ha ha ha ha!"
"What can we do?" asked Cloud, after wetting himself.
Suddenly jON had a revelation. "I know!" he said, and with that, jON hurled Mark at Sephiroth, killing him (Mark) instantly.
"That didn't stop Sephiroth!" said Tifa.
"I know," said jON, "but at least we killed Mark!"
But that time was different. With that death, Mark's Limit Meter had filled and he went into Overdrive Trance. Now Mark could use his ultimate attack. "Now," said Mark," I call upon... the INFINITE FANDANGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
This attack killed Sephiroth instantly, and it also killed Mark.
"Well," said Cloud, "Our quest is over, maybe. Now I get to have sex with the heroine, unless I get transported to another plane, trapped in a giant tree, faded from existence, or absorbed into the Lifestream."
And suddenly, all of these things happened at once.
THE END/THE BEGINNING/ THE MIDDLE
Note: No people or animals were hurt in the making of this story, except for Mark, who died 31 times (we would have tried for more, but there were contract issues about dying more than 31 times)
Return for more drugs, sex, nudity, and Mark dying in:
FINAL FANTASY XVII: THE REVENGE OF THE FISHGLOBE