Title: Suze Smackdown: Suze vs. Jessica "Lightning Girl" Mastriani

Author: Cerasi J.

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Jenny Carroll's two best heroines face off in the ultimate showdown.

Disclaimer: ::snorts:: Oh please, as if you people haven't figured it out by now…

Author's Note: I would like to say thank you to my lovely reviewer Heather, who gave me this idea. Thanks! =) Oh yeah, and if anyone is wondering, Ewan McGregor played in Star Wars as Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Robert Patrick plays John Doggett in The X-Files, Johnny Gomez and Nick Diamond are from Celebrity Deathmatch.

Suze Smackdown: Where our favorite Mediator whoops ass.

Cerasi J.: "Hey everyone! Welcome back to another round of Suze Smackdown! The only sport that's more violent than a profession hockey game! Let's say hi to our co-hosts! Everyone say hi to Brittany!"

*Cerasi J. points to a girl sitting beside her*

Brittany: *Smiles, waves* "Hey!"

Cerasi J.: "Good to see 'ya, Britt, let's meet the other co-hosts!"

*Cerasi J. points to Lauren, Beth, Jesse and a newcomer… Jessica Mastriani's biker hunk, Rob.*

Cerasi J./Lauren/Beth/Brittany: *Sigh*

Rob: *Looking unimpressed* "Hey."

Lauren: *Tears her eyes away from Rob* "Lets get down to business and meet our contestants!"

*Cerasi, Beth and Brittany continue staring at Rob.*

Jesse: "Oh, for the love of God…"

Lauren: "A-HEM!"

All three girls: "Huh? What?"

Suze: (From the ring) "Oh man, here we go again."

Cerasi J.: *Snapping back to attention* "Oh, um, yeah, okay… in the right corner we have the World Champion… SUUUUZZZZEEE SIMOOOONNNNN!"

Jessica: (Ignores Cerasi; from other side of the ring) "Hey! What gives! Why are they looking at OUR boyfriends? I thought that girl Brittany had a thing for Ewan McGregor!"

Suze: "Hey, yeah! And Cerasi has a thing for Robert Patrick!"

Cerasi J.: *Gulps, slumps down in seat*

Lauren/Brittany: "Robert Patrick?"

Cerasi J.: "Hey, he looks good in jeans, what can I say?"

*All four girls look at Rob and sigh again.*

Jessica: *Turns to Suze* "Okay, you know what? I'm tired of them looking at my boyfriend."

Suze: "Agreed."

*Suze and Jessica storm up to the commentor's box, and yank all the girls down into the ring.*

Brittany: "Hey! What'd I do?"

Cerasi J.: "Dammit, everytime I do one of these, I wind up getting the crap kicked out of me…"

*Jesse and Rob look at each other and scramble into the chairs Cerasi and Brittany just vacated.*

Rob: "Good afternoon sports fans! I'm Johnny Gomez."

Jesse: "And I'm Nick Diamond."

Rob: "Looks like it's gonna be an all-out Chick Fight."

Jesse: *Grabs popcorn*

Rob: "In the right corner we have Suze Simon and Jessica Mastriani!"

*Camera pans to right corner of the ring, to see Jess and Suze huddled together, mapping out their battle plans.*

*Cheering*

Jesse: "And in the left corner, we have…" *Looks at cue cards* "… Cerasi J., Brittany, Lauren and Beth."

*Camera pans to left corner of the ring, to see Cerasi J., Lauren and Brittany planning something evil. Beth is staring up at the commentor's box.*

Beth: "I LOVE YOU JESSE!"

*Rob and Jesse look at each other, shrug.*

Jesse: "Let's get it on!"

*Bell dings. Jess and Suze turn to the four girls and glare at them.*

Suze: *Points at Beth* "Jesse's MY boyfriend, you *bleep*!"

Crowd: "Oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh…"

Cerasi J.: "Okay, Simon, you're goin' down!"

*Cerasi lunges at Suze and they roll around on the floor of the ring*

Beth: "Nobody calls me a *bleep*!"

*Beth also lunges at Suze. Dust flies.*

Jessica: *Shrugs* "YAAAAHHHH!"

*Jessica runs at Brittany and Lauren*

Rob: "Whoa! Lauren'll be feeling that one in the morning!"

Voice: "I'm sure she will."

*Rob and Jesse look over to see Gina sitting between them.*

Rob/Jesse: *Drool*

Gina: "Ooh! Poor Suze!"

*All three watch as Cerasi J. lands a right hook to Suze's stomach.*

Jesse: "Yeah, that's nice…" *Puts his arm around Gina* "Doin' anything Friday night?"

Rob: "What about Saturday?"

*Back in the ring, Brittany and Lauren seem to have fought Jessica into one corner of the ring.*

Brittany: *Pant, pant* "Take that!"

Lauren: "Nobody screws with the Union."

*Lauren and Brittany high five*

*On the other side of the ring, Suze seems to have pinned both Beth and Cerasi, and is now pummeling them.*

Brittany: "This is all your fault, Mindy!"

Cerasi J.: "OW! How do you figure?"

Brittany: "Well, you're the one writing this fic!"

Cerasi J.: "Oh."

*Up in the commentor's box, Jesse and Rob are now both dying for Gina's attention.*

Rob: "Go out with me!"

Jesse: "No, me!"

Rob: "ME!"

Jesse: "NO! ME!"

Rob: "Meeeeeee!" *Pouts like a small child*

Gina: "Oh, for the love of all that's purple and furry, I'll go out with both of you!"

Rob: *Stops* "Oh, well, that takes the term doubledate to a whole new level, doesn't it?"

Gina: *Giggles*

*Rob, Gina and Jesse all stand up to leave.*

*Jessica just happens to look up at the ring.*

Jessica: "HEY!"

*Suze looks up, gapes.*

Suze: "HEY!"

Cerasi J./Lauren/Beth/Brittany: "HEY!"

Gina: "Uh oh."

*Gina, Jesse, and Rob make a run for it. Cerasi, Lauren, Beth, Brittany, Suze and Jess all give chase.*

In our next episode of Suze Smackdown: Will Suze and Jess finally catch up with Gina? Will Jesse fall madly in love with Cerasi and run away with her? We may never know…