Author: sna PM
Cap'n Calhoun and company have an average dayRated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 8,088 - Reviews: 13 - Favs: 6 - Updated: 09-05-03 - Published: 09-02-02 - id: 946757
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
So where did we leave our erstwhile crew? Well Lefler did some ahem creative editing on the security film from Soleta's quarters and was sent to her room by the Captain for her trouble. Now the shell-shocked remnants of the bridge crew are gearing up to watch the actual video tape (well technically it wont be video, it'll be some sort of high tech gadgetry much more advanced than anything we have today).
Calhoun examining Lefler's abandoned Ops console: Hold on just a damn minute! Someone explain to me why my state-of-the-art spaceship doesn't even have a DVD player!
Shelby: Jellico took it away. He said if we couldn't dance to his puppety tune then we couldn't have our toys.
Calhoun: That's so lame. It's not like we even get paid or anything.
Kebron: I do.
Calhoun spinning around like the rest of the Bridge Crew: I thought you were unconscious in Sickbay.
Kebron: Oh. Yeah.
Kebron vanishes. The Bridge Crew stay in confused silence for a minute.
Kallinda: What the hell was that?
Ci Swan eyes darting feverishly about: Gods, there's not two of them is there?
Shelby: Hold on, Kebron gets paid! Why the hell don't we?
Passing red-shirt ensign who's been seen several times this season and the viewers all smile pityingly at because they know he's about to be killed in order to forward the character development and/or plot within an episode: Maybe because he actually does his job.
Everyone: stares at him malevolently
Passing red-shirt ensign who's been seen several times this season and the viewers all smile pityingly at because they know he's about to be killed in order to forward the character development and/or plot within an episode: And he has a cool name, wouldn't you love to be called Zak?
Everyone: just stares at him
Passing red-shirt ensign who's been seen several times this season and the viewers all smile pityingly at because they know he's about to be killed in order to forward the character development and/or plot within an episode: shuffles off
Calhoun taking charge, for once: Right, where were we?
Shelby: Lefler's movie.
Burgyone: You mean Lefler's XXX rated pornography fest?
Calhoun: Yes, that's the one. Well not really shudders lets not do that again, I mean the original.
Shelby: Captain, do we have to?
Calhoun: What's wrong Commander, scared?
Shelby: You're damned right I am, I will be in counseling for the rest of my life over that thing.
Burgyone to hirself: I'd like to be at that counseling session.
Shelby: Shut up Burgyone. Have no doubt, you'll need counseling after I'm through with you.
Shelby: And before you twist that into something. er. twisted, that was a threat, not thinly veiled innuendo.
Now we're back at the bit of the video from just before Lefler er. took liberties with reality.
Soleta: rolls eyes and throws a bottle of Romulan Ale at McHenry Drink.
McHenry: Yes I know it is.
Soleta: sighs heavily before lying flat out on the couch
They both sit quietly for a moment. Then McHenry pops the lid off his bottle of Romulan Ale and takes a big gulp
Soleta peering owlishly at him from the arm of the sofa: You are so bizarre.
McHenry: You don't know the half of it. Hey! I need pajamas too!
Soleta: Do I have to get move? takes another gulp of ale
McHenry: Nope. Do I?
Soleta: Dunno. I'm off-duty. Oooh the colors!
They both think about it for three hours, drinking steadily.
McHenry: Yes. Factoring the quadratic constants of Xybothian physical principles I've come to the conclusion that I do need to move in order to get my pajamas.
Soleta: blinks at him Who the hell are you anyway?
McHenry: Mark McHenry, Soleta. You know that.
Soleta: Oh yes, yes McHappy. I know you, the weird one.
McHenry: Yep. That's me! he staggers off to get his uniform
Soleta: flops back onto the couch Meh. Why are all my friends weird?
Couch: Because you are weird, my Almighty Master!
Soleta: Damn straight.
McHenry comes back with Kebron in tow. McHenry's pajamas have cute blue stars on them. Kebron is in uniform and looking like he always does.
Soleta: What is the wall doing here?
McHenry: Keeping the bulkheads from collapsing.
Kebron: I think she means me.
Soleta: No. I meant the wall. Hello Zap.
Kebron: to McHenry How much has she had to drink?
McHenry: shrugs No idea whatsoever. scratches his nose I like pie.
Kebron: sighs Frell. I should have just not answered the door.
McHenry: Well I could have just not come-a-calling.
Kebron: Would that such were the case. picks up a bottle of ale Isn't this stuff illegal?
Soleta: I like pie too McHenry.
Kebron: rolls his eyes Never mind. eats the bottle
McHenry: See why I brought him? Instant evidence gone bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bai bai abi babbbbbbbbbbbbbuiiiiii freeeeeep. falls over
Kebron: eats another bottle Hmmm just like out Academy days.
So time passes with several drunken endeavours. They call up San Franscico:
McHenry: Yeah? I'd like to speak to Ima Gia'nt Weenie.
Voice on other end of line: Yes? This is Gia'nt Weenie, Bolian Attache Office.
McHenry: Tee hee!
Soleta: Greetings simple human. I would like to speak to Hugh Jass.. Yes that's correct I'm looking for a Hugh Jass. why are you laughing? Wait, McHenry did you make that up.
McHenry: Tee hee! rolls over giggling
Kebron: Hello? Connect me to Admiral Jellico's Office. It doesn't matter if he's in a meeting with the top brass - this is of life and death importance to the entire Federation! Thank you.
Jellico: Hello? What's the matter, who is this?
Kebron: This is I.C. Weener, Captain of the USS Office Desk. Just to let you know Admiral - that shipment of Zantos Ale you ordered is on it's way. Shall I have the Orion Slave Girls decant it for you?
Jellico: What! No, you have the wrong person here!
Kebron: Admiral Edward Jellico, Starfleet Headquarters San Francisco, Earth, Sector 001?
Jellico: No No That's not me.
Various Admirals and Federation Big-Wigs: Jellico what is going on here?
Kebron: See sir, though you may be confused the people in your office seem to have a good grasp of who you are. Shall I just put this shipment on your tab?
Jellico: Look there's been some mistake - I haven't even had my coffee yet!
Kebron: No mistake sir, I'll leave the various contrabands in your secret Interplanetary Love Nest shall I?
Kebron: hangs up
McHenry: Tee hee!
Kebron: Right McHenry, Soleta, you two owe me three slips of gold pressed latinum.
McHenry: Gods, I can't believe you just did that for the old-earth equivalent of a quarter.
And so on the night goes. They all get pretty damn drunk and it turns into a round of whose parents were the most embarrassing/annoying/criminal/homicidal/etc etc.
McHenry: No no nono no nononononononono. my Dad wouldn't come to my Parents Nights after I turned seven. He ran off. Something about demon spawn, I mean come on, he'd only have himself to blame for that surely.
Soleta: Gotcha beat McHarry: my father was actually and escaped Romulan convict who attacked and nearly killed my mother before escaping only to be caught years later by the ship I was serving on where I realized the truth, confronted my parents about it and bunked off Starfleet until returning to active duty and eventually meeting up with him once again except he didn't know who I was and in the end he died trying to save my life but actually used me to destroy the Romulan Praetorium in an act of beyond the grave revenge. Jerk.
McHenry blinking: Didn't you need to breathe during that sentence?
Soleta: I'm Vulcan, I don't need to breathe.
McHenry: Well heck, I've got you beat there actually Soleta. My great great great grandfather was a God of Olympus and since I'm the only male child to be born in the lineage since he got my great great great grandmother pregnant I'm the one who exhibits extraordinary demi-god powers. You know that time we when we were at the Academy and Worf's underpants flew around campus for three days straight and no one could explain why. gets a distant, victorious look in his one open eye That was me.
Soleta: Was that because he kept stealing your sock puppets, McHorsey?
McHenry: Yep. Kept saying he needed his socks. Don't see why, he had good scaly feet.
Kebron: Makes sense, I always wondered about the google eyes glued to Worf's socks.
Kebron clears his throat: Well actually. I've got you both beat on this front.
Soleta and McHenry lean forward. McHenry falls out his chair and onto the floor with a thump
Kebron leaning forward conspiratorially My mother's a politician.
Soleta and McHenry: pass out in an incredulous faint
Calhoun: bolting to his feet That's it! Lefler screwed with this tape too! This story is so far fetched I wouldn't send Balto to go get it!
Shelby: Would you send Lassie?
Calhoun: Yes, but only because I don't like that dog. Collies are creepy.
Shelby: whispering memo to self. contact dog breeders upon return to Earth - should we ever defy the laws of the universe and actually get back.
Si Cwan: Look, who cares about the stupid tape. Don't you people have a mission or something to occupy yourselves with?
Kallinda: Yes, don't you have somebody's long lost family members to reunite or engage in a battle to the death or somesuch?
Calhoun: Why of course! I knew there was a reason Starfleet gave us this ship!
Shelby: rolls her eyes I thought they just handed it over because of your extraordinary good looks.
Calhoun: Hey! You are really starting to tick me off - the pair of you. I don't even know why you're still on the ship.
Si Cwan: Hmm for once since I've met you, you've made a cohesive point Captain. turns to Kallinda Well Kally, fancy riding off into the sunset to start our own version of the Thalloinian Empire, or at the very least a high priced restaurant?
Kallinda: Sure! You can cook right?
Si Cwan: No, but I'm sure we'll be able to acquire some cullinarily adept servants on the way.
Shelby: very, very sarcastically The makings of a plan.
Kallinda: The makings of a flan?
Burgyone: mmm flan.
Calhoun: I like flan. But do you know what I like more than flan? Beer nuts. Why the hell don't we have any beer nuts here?
Shelby: I already explained this Captain, they must have been left out of ship's stores when we left Spacedock.
Calhoun: But why? throws himself down on his knees WHY DAMNIT WHY?
Burgyone: What are you, Captain Kirk's lovechild?
Shelby: Who told you?
Calhoun: Both of you shut up, why is it all my crew ever do is make fun of me?
Shelby, Si Cwan, Kallinda and Burgyone: Because it's so easy.
Calhoun anxious to shift from this point: Fine. Who cares, I'm bored. What is there to do around here?
Shelby: Well you could head down to sickbay and see how your injured crewmen are. Seeing as the members of the senior staff unconscious outnumber the members of the senior staff awake perhaps it would be prudent.
Calhoun: Hmm yeah I guess I could. but it'll be boring. And its kinda fun not having Selar alternately insulting or coming on to me every five seconds. And well, it makes a change having competent folk on the bridge. I mean, well, Boyajian here seems to be doing just fine.
Boyajian: tries not to die of heart dysfunction as he races between the science, helm and security stations simultaneously attempting to steer the ship around various black holes and deadly nebulae, defend the Excalibur from the Romulans, the Borg and a herd of venomous space rabbits, and monitor a mould enzyme experiment Soleta had running Sir, yes sir!
Calhoun: Right rubs hands together, I'm off on a quest.
Burgyone: Ooh we haven't had one of those in a while! Can I come?
Calhoun: Sure, it's not like I'd ever leave you in a position of authority on the Bridge.
Shelby: God, just make sure I'm not on the ship should that ever happen.
Burgyone: taking offense Yeah? Well which one of us didn't get their brains and body ripped to shreds by that freaky thing in Ontear's Realm? Huh? Eh? Huh?
Shelby: The thing was telepathic, it took one look in your pervy mind and probably self-destructed.
Burgyone: Still, I kicked it's ass not you! Hah! to Calhoun, who's still rubbing his hands together So Captain not-Shelby-but-Calhoun-
Shelby: throws a dart at hir
Burgyone: yelping as it hits hir backside - what are we off questing for?
Calhoun: Beer nuts.
Si Cwan: Far be it for me to interfere with a quest of this magnitude but we're leaving now.
Calhoun: How would that be construed as interfering?
Si Cwan: We'll be taking the last shuttlecraft. After Kebron and I blew up the Marquand XXVIII there's only the one left.
Calhoun: Oh come on, Starfleet'll give us another one.
Shelby: Remember the puppety thing we talked about earlier?
Calhoun: Jellico again? Damn that man, he's such a weenie.
Si Cwan: What's a weenie?
Si Cwan: looms a bit, no seriously he does. He whips out a loom and starts looming away. In five minutes he's produced a wall hanging that reads:
Commander-not-Captain Elizabeth Paula Shelby
Calhoun: bursts out laughing so hard he nearly pees himself
Burgyone: Hey! That's so cool!
Si Cwan: Damn straight its cool.
Kallinda: What are you? The Fonz?
Si Cwan: pffft. I could kill the Fonz with a flick of my eyelid.
Kallinda: I doubt it since he's already dead.
Si Cwan: Curses, foiled again.
Calhoun: Right, enough of this I don't need the shuttle you pair can take it. There have got to be beer nuts on this ship. I refused to leave port without them and I know no one in this crew would be stupid enough to eat something with PROPERTY OF MACKENZIE CALHOUN stamped across it in red letters.
Burgyone: Right sir! Let's go!
Shelby: Guess I should come keep an eye on you two.
Burgyone: You can keep more than an eye on me Commander.
Shelby: Shut up before I lobotomize you with a salad fork, disembowel you with a teapot and feed your carcass to those rabbits out there.
Calhoun: Hey speaking of rabbits, Boyajian! Do my job, Commander Shelby's job and everyone else's job while we're gone, kay?
Boyajian: collapses face first onto the carpet Shir, yesh, shir!
Calhoun: Good man! Right everyone, let's go!
And so there's part four of Happy Days! Wooohooo! Thanks so much people for pestering me and actually liking this thing. Now I realize it's been a solid year since I last updated and I make but one excuse - it took that long to come up with a chapter this good.
sna:If they believe that they'll believe anything. Bwa ha ha ha ha ha hee hee