Some of you may have been wondering where I was since I haven't posted for a while. Things should get back on track now that I've returned. In case you're wondering where I was, I'll tell you. I was doing research. Here is the fruits of my efforts, a documentary done for National Geographic Magazine...
Hello, I'm your host, Carrot Glace, and today on National Geographic we are seeking out the rare and beautiful Otakus! These strange and wonderful creatures are a rare and strange creature that is beating the modern trend of extinction in the wild and are beginning to flourish in the wild. These strange and amazing creatures are often found in large cities and other urban areas. Although they have been found in rural areas, such finds are rare.
In order to find the wild Otakus we must venture deep into the heart of the city. Rarely seen outside their dwellings these strange creatures are often drawn into large gatherings called 'conventions'. At a convention one finds not one, but many different subspecies of Otakus. Their strange social habits are still a mystery to behavioral scientists around the world.
Taking place inside large, open, indoor spaces these 'conventions' are one of the few places where one can see the many diversities of the species. Otakus is known for its reclusive habits, often found staring into video screens for many hours at a time, these creatures have little time for socializing amongst themselves. These gatherings may allow us to capture some of the mysterious social behaviors and mating rituals that surround this mysterious species.
As we walked into the auditorium we found ourselves surrounded by various nests that the Otakus' had erected within the structure marking their territory and placing brightly colored boxes, large pieces of plastic, small cards, and even magazines around these structures. It is believed by many that this behavior is an attempt to attract a mate; however, this has largely been discredited by most experts as both males and females perform this ritual. Upon close observation it can be seen that both the males and the females are attracted by this beautiful and mysterious display.
Our first encounter with the Otakus was with a young male. Close inspection revealed this creature to be Otakus-normalus. The common Otakus. Characterized by its rather plain dress and somewhat dumb gaze, this creature can be seen blindly stumbling through the convention grounds in a somewhat overwhelmed state. It appears to be largely indecisive about its surroundings and will often gather into groups near the large screens and nesting sites. These creatures probably make up the largest number of Otakus. They are often shunned by some of the smaller, more dominant groups. The vocabulary of this creature is rather limited in comparison to its brethren. "Pokemon" and "Dragon ball" are the most commonly heard vocalizations. Occasionally the female of the species can be heard uttering "Sailor Moon!"
After losing interest in the pathetic creature we moved on. Soon our efforts were rewarded as we stumbled upon. Otakus Mechanus. These amazing creatures are often seen in the company of small plastic idols that are believed by many to be their gods. These unusual animals are often seen reading over blueprints and arguing amongst one another over what they claim to be "Technical details." Often, words such as "Gundam" or "Macross" may be heard within these verbal exchanges. In contrast to the often gruff nature of these creatures, the natural habitat of these creatures is an almost sterile environment. They can be seen working meticulously creating more idols and placing them upon large shelves and tables for worship. These wonderful creations are only removed from their holy places when shown to other Otakus' or brought to these conventions.
Moving on we discover an even rarer form of Otakus. Otakus Cosplaum! These beautiful creatures are rarely seen in the wild. Dressed up in brightly colored costumes, this may be a form of mating ritual for the Otakus. The unusual creatures wander aimlessly through the nesting sites and interact with the others of their species. This is truly a remarkable creature to behold.
While tailing the elusive Otakus Cosplaum, we happened upon another form of Otakus. Otakus Mangus. These strange creatures interact freely with their brethren within the convention, but show a strange lack of interest in the various screens and displays around them. The focus of these creatures appears to be in small books known as "Manga." These publications are mostly in black and white formats and are known to be difficult to obtain. The males will often compare these collections in an attempt to gain dominance over younger more inexperienced Otakus. Often the dominant male is given much respect at these gatherings. This behavior appears to be universal among all subspecies of Otakus.
Moving on we discover a new and wonderful subspecies of Otakus. Otakus Compactdiskium. These Otakus' are extremely rare. They center the focus of their lives around strange disks which they collect, often by the thousands. These small disks are said to contain music in a strange foreign language that is unknown to most humans. Often amused by extremely high-pitched sounds that have the unusual effect of driving away predators and oddly enough, causing tooth decay.
Next we find another somewhat shunned form of Otakus. Otakus Abnormalus. These creatures are very unusual indeed. They are an exclusively male breed of the species. This alone confuses researchers as it is uncertain how they breed. The Otakus Abnormalus is indeed odd. Attracted to what is known as "Shoujo" or things mostly associated with the female Otakus. Not to be confused with Homo Otakus, these creatures often disguise themselves as other forms of Otakus. Many are quite successful at this ruse, while others have more difficulty. Many scientists believe that the female of this species may have been confused with Otakus Normalus.
Our journey takes us into a quiet corner of the convention where we discover a rare treat. Homo Otakus. These unusual creatures have no need for females. Oddly more accepted than Otakus Abnormalus, Homo Otakus is still shunned by many of the other Otakus. These strange misunderstood creatures are seen as unusual by most researchers and once again it is unclear how these creatures breed. A scant few females have been seen among their numbers, but they seem largely uninterested in the males, lavishing their attentions upon one another instead. Their most distinguished mark would be the presence of what is known as "Shonen Ai" or "Yaoi", these unusual publications are rare indeed. It has been said that these creatures claim something called "Sailor Moon" and "Gundam Wing" is a part of their "Yaoi." Unfortunately, no evidence of this has been found in the United States.
Next we venture into the dark and shadowy areas of the convention floor. Here we find one of the most unusual of all Otakus. Otakus Nodateus; more commonly known as "Hentai". Often called the most sexually potent and virile of the Otakus. This is unfortunate since most of them have never touched a female. Mostly accepted by other male Otakus, these creatures are universally shunned by females. The continued existence of the subspecies is a mystery as it is universally agreed that it is impossible for these creatures to breed.
Another subspecies of the Otakus Nodateus is known as Otakus Nodateus Gamus. These unusual creatures have many of the same habits as Otakus Nodateus, but are also seen sitting in front of a small screen while 'dating' animated women on a computer. This unusual practice has led many researchers to believe that Otakus Nodateus may be capable of asexual reproduction and therefore able to breed on its own.
Next we happened upon the most horrible and dangerous of all the Otakus. Otakus Pokus. Made up of an unusual assortment of ages, this group is mostly composed of very young Otakus. The older Otakus are mostly males. It is believed that the females of this species rarely survive past twelve years. These horrible creatures are often seen staring at the screens in their homes at very specific times of the day; this is normally sometime in the early afternoon. This ritual last about a half an hour, after this time, Otakus Pokus begins to terrorize the area around it with squeals of "Pika!" After this time the creatures venture off away from their dens carrying books filled with small, flat cardboard slips. These are displayed to other Otakus Pokus and are often used in a game to decide the dominant male or female within the group. These battles can last for hours at times and are often repeated several times; many times with several different opponents.
Leaving the horrible memory of Otakus Pokus behind us, we ventured on. Our next stop was at an extremely dark corner of the convention. Here we found a mostly unknown subspecies of Otakus. Otakus Gothus. These creatures are known for their graphic depictions of demonic rituals and violence. Despite this unusual attraction to such things, Otakus Gothus is a rather peaceful creature, preferring to use its wits for survival. Often covered in odd markings and piercings, these creatures are usually quite small and have a rather unpleasant attitude. A few of them grow larger than normal and are quite hostile, however, most are content with only evil glares and hostile words. A few notable calls of this subspecies are "Clamp" and "Ninja!" These Otakus are often seen with the mostly shunned Otakus Nodatus. The reason behind this is something known as "Urotsukidoji". It has been speculated that this is how the Otakus Nodatus continues to thrive; this theory has been mostly discredited by many experts though.
Nearing the end of our journey we happened upon another more common Otakus. Otakus Classimus. These Otakus are also known as the elders of the species. Mostly consistent with Otakus Mechanus, these creatures prefer older materials than most Otakus. "Astroboy" and "Speed Racer" are often mentioned within such circles. Unlike most Otakus the dominance ritual is slightly different with Otakus Mechanus. The condition of the objects used for display is often more important than the sheer number. Otakus Classimus has been known to show dominance over others of its kind with a single object when faced with dozens by his opposition.
Our final stop in the world of Otakus was a real treat indeed. We happened upon the rarest of all Otakus. Otakus Nolifeus. Also more commonly known as "The Fanfic Author." These rare creatures are rarely seen away from their dwellings, often they emerge only for food. The purpose of these strange creatures is uncertain, they appear to have no valuable skills, but are still held in rather high regard by other Otakus. The mating habits of these creatures is quite rare indeed, but it has been speculated that these creatures are as virile as Otakus Nodateus. This extremely reclusive creature has been seen spending days, or even weeks in front of small screens within their homes. They do not move and appear to be in a dazed state. These unusual creatures can easily be confused with Otakus Nodateus Gamus. There are distinct differences, most noticeably that both hands are in view while the creature sits. Living mostly on a diet of a substance known as "Ramen" these creatures are never seen outside of these conventions.
With our adventure finally concluded, we made our way out of the auditorium and gave a fond farewell to the Otakus. Somehow we hope to learn more about our own true nature and that of our natural world while studying these strange and wonderful creatures. Someday, with their help, maybe we will come to such understanding..
This is Carrot Glace saying, thank you, goodbye, and goodnight.
C&C to: Carrotglace@juno.com