Dinoslide: The Parody

Dinoslide
The Parody
by Jason Gaston

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After six long months of seclusion at my estate in Shri Lanka, I have returned with my latest attempt to make the last few episodes of the third season of Sliders look even more ridiculous (not that they need much help from me). Now, we come to the episode called, "Dinoslide". This little Lost World clone is another one of those perplexing Slut-Maggie episodes that really isn't that bad in spite of itself, so it was a little hard to satirize. But I still did it. (I'm a bad boy).

The following story lacks depth, intelligence, plot, and unless you've at least seen the episode "Dinoslide" it will make no sense whatsoever. If you have seen the episode, it will make even less sense. The following contains gross sexual innuendo, poor taste, and very bad jokes designed to appeal to the basest of base audiences. I will not be held responsible for those people who want to jump out the window after reading it.

I don't get paid for my work and this story can be freely distributed amongst yourself as long as it is not altered or sold in any way (Like anyone would pay money for it anyway!).

Dinoslide: The Parody is based on the Sliders episode "Dinoslide" written by David Peckinpah. Sliders is property of Universal/Saint Clare and the Sci-Fi channel but not FOX because they're a bunch of drooling idiots who get some kind of perverse pleasure from making specials called When INSERT NOUN HERE Attacks.

And one last little note: I DO like the new re-tuned fourth season Maggie very much and I HAVE accepted her. But third season Maggie is just too easy to make fun of. However, I am also making a lot of fun of "Testosterone Quinn" in this story as a way to even the score a bit.

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It was nighttime and, as such men of evil often do, Rickman was stalking the darkness looking for the one thing that could sustain him. But since Maggie was no where to be seen, he decided to suck out the brains of a bunch of idiots sleeping outside.

He jabbed his nasty little needle into his first victim (Paging Dr. Freud!) and, after he injected it into himself, he reacted in shock as his face turned purple. "Oh no!" he said in a deep and stupid sounding voice as he transformed into Barney the dinosaur. "It's not holding!"

Quickly, Rickman jabbed his needle into another sleeper and sucked his brain out. He injected it into himself and his face turned back to normal. "That's better," he grinned as his face mutated until it looked like the sleeping idiot.

Then, as if on cue, a bright blue light appeared out of nowhere as the sliders we've all grown to know and love (along with Maggie) arrived.

"Have we got a reading on Rickman?" Maggie demanded as she adjusted her ample bosom.

Quinn checked the 'Where is Rickman?' readout on the timer. "Yep, he's still here."

"Good," Maggie answered. "Have you got a reading on Rickman?"

Before Quinn could answer, a scream rang out through the night. "Help me! Help me!," a woman cried. "They're dead! They're dead! Idiots... I told them this would happen if they slept outside, but did they listen to me? Hell no!"

The sliders ran over to the screaming woman and found the dead bodies. "Rickman did this!" Quinn deduced. "But these guys are dead! Rickman usually just sucked their brains out and left them a drooling vegetable only slightly more intelligent than Maggie."

"Come on, Quinn!" Wade hollered. "It's a little late to worry about continuity now!"

"HEY!" Maggie bellowed, finally understanding the joke about the vegetables being more intelligent than she is.

Suddenly, a red wormhole opened up and Rickman jumped in screaming out "LATER, SUCKERS!" as he disappeared into another dimension.

"GREAT!" Maggie yelled. "He's getting away! How long until our next window?"

"Uh, Maggie," Wade said tapping her on her shoulder. "You know, Rickman's wormhole is still open. If you're so gung ho about going after him, you can just go on ahead."

"No," Maggie sneered. "That's just what he'd expect us to do. The smart thing. I've never done a smart thing in my life and I'll be damned if I start now!"

The red vortex snapped shut and the other sliders shoulder's slumped in frustration. "Fine," Wade sighed as she looked over at Quinn. "So we wait for our wormhole to open in six minutes and then what? Are you going to hold her coat as she murders Rickman in cold blood?"

"Don't be silly, Wade," Quinn said softly.

Wade smiled in relief.

"Maggie doesn't have a coat," he finished.

A few moments later, the wormhole deposited the sliders to a new world... or at least, a world to which they've been to before.

"Hey," Wade exclaimed. "I know this place! This is Maggie's world... or at least the world that the refugees from Maggie's world went to after their world was blown up by the scientifically implausible pulsars."

"Of course, it makes perfect sense!" Maggie said. "Rickman's obviously lonely for people from his own world and has come here to reminisce and have s'mores!"

"Actually, I think it means that he's come here to suck all of their brains out since they all have compatible DNA," Quinn said. "Understand Maggie?"

"Sure," Maggie answered. "I sucked someone's brains out one time. I was a senior in high school and he was..." Maggie thankfully stopped telling her tale when she saw two gigantic dinosaur heads rise above the trees. "Oh my god! Those are the biggest damn deer I've ever seen!"

After explaining what the two 'gigantic deer' were to Maggie using the smallest words possible so she could understand, the Sliders made their way to the colonist's camp. "I can't wait to see little Malcolm," Rembrandt said. "I bet the little guy's grown an inch, learned how to drive, grown a mustache..."

"I don't think so, Rembrandt," Wade interrupted. "We've only been gone six episodes."

Rembrandt thought about that for a second. "Oh... I guess I was thinking of the kids on Star Trek."

"Who's Malcolm?" Maggie asked.

"He's a cute little kid who wormed his way into Remmy's heart back on your world so that we'd save him." Quinn explained as they happened upon the remains of a Jeep.

"Can you imagine the force required to rip that vehicle to shreds?" Maggie said in awe. "I wonder how we would be able to stop one of those dinosaurs if they try to kill us or worse... if they try to hurt little Malcolm."

"You are such a bitch, Maggie!" Wade screamed for no apparent reason. "All you can think about is killing!"

Wade stomped ahead of the group and Rembrandt followed. Maggie was confused. "What!?" she said to Quinn. "It was a perfectly justified statement and she bit my head off." Maggie started to cry. "Quinn, hold me!"

"No," Quinn said in disgust.

A few hours later, the sliders happened upon a bunch of tattered tents and mangled cars. "Hey!" Maggie said. "This doesn't look like our camp! There must be a bunch of OTHER colonists on this world! We must find them and kill them!"

"Uh, Maggie," Rembrandt said. "I think this is your camp. It looks like a meat-eating dinosaur came through here and trashed the place. Take a look at this picture I found. Malcolm must have drawn it."

"It looks like one of those things from Jurassic Park!" Wade said glancing at the picture drawn in crayon. She snapped her fingers and smiled. "The sequel must be coming out soon... No wonder we're doing yet another dinosaur episode."

Meanwhile, a few meters away, Col. Rickman snuck up behind some guy and started to suck his brain out, but not before a large Tyrannosaurus Rex came up out of nowhere and scared him off. The Rex chased the solider into a hole where it lost interest and left.

The sliders came to investigate the screams and pulled the solider out of the hole. "Hey, I know you," he said looking at Maggie. "You and me got together after the base Christmas party last year and went skinny dipping."

"Oh yeah!" Maggie said smiling coyly. "You're skrinky-dink!"

"Our camps over there...," the solider said a little embarrassed. "Oh, by the way, Rickman is here and he tried to suck out my brain. He went that way if anybody's stupid enough to go after him by themselves."

"I am!" Maggie said grabbing a gun and skipping off in the direction the solider indicated.

"So am I," Quinn bellowed going off after her.

Wade and Remmy watched them go. "Morons," they both mumbled. A few hours later, they took the injured solider (did I mention he was injured... well, he was) to the base where he was treated by the doctor there. Rembrandt saw Malcolm and rushed over to him.

"Malcolm!" Rembrandt yelled out as he hugged him.

"Who the hell are you?" Malcolm asked. "Oh, yeah... Rembrandt. Yeah, it's good to see you too... I guess."

"So," Rembrandt asked. "How are you doing on this world? Are you done coping with the terrible and tragic loss of your parents, world, friends, family, yada, yada, yada...?"

On the second 'yada' Malcolm started crying and wailing uncontrollably. "There... There... There...," Rembrandt said hugging the little tike. "I'm back now... But I will have to abandon you again soon... That is, unless, the giant meat-eating dinosaurs get us all first and chew us all up into bloody meaty pulps while we're all conscious to endure every painful and excruciating moment of it."

Malcolm began to cry even harder.

Quinn and Maggie in the meantime tromped through the wilderness when their eyes met and they felt the animal attraction between them. Maggie let the gun fall from her hand as the two embraced and engulfed each other in a long and gooey kiss.

Then the earth moved slightly and Quinn grinned. "...and that's with my shoes ON," he said.

"No," Maggie answered him. "I don't think that was you."

Suddenly, the ground began to shake even more as a giant T-Rex crashed through the trees and came after them. Maggie and Quinn took off like scared little bunny rabbits jumping over a fallen tree where Alan Grant was commenting to two annoying little kids about how the Rex attacked just like a bird.

Quinn and Mags managed to make it to an outcropping of rocks that the Rex was unable to climb up on. "We'll be safe up here," Quinn said catching his breath.

"Yeah," Maggie responded. "Too bad the other colonists aren't smart enough to camp up here, otherwise they'd all be safe from the dinosaur."

Quinn stared at her, surprised at the sudden burst of logic that emanated from her.

A few hours later, the sun set and Quinn watched in amazement as Maggie ate worms to stay alive. "My god," Quinn whispered. "you really have had military training. Come, my little snuggle-bunny let us share our body heat if you catch my drift."

Maggie slurped up the worm hanging out of her mouth like a string of spaghetti and grinned widely.

Quinn cringed as he gazed upon the chewed up pieces of insects between Captain Beckett's teeth. "On second thought...," he murmured trying to get away.

The next day, Maggie and Quinn managed to make their way to yet another group of colonists who'd broke off from the main group after the T-Rex began to develop a taste for little pink screaming things.

"Hold it right there or we'll shoot!" a marine yelled out at them.

Maggie stepped foreword. "Look, we mean you no harm, all right? I'm Captain Maggie Beckett. Remember me?"

The marine shot at her, but the bullet bounced off her silicon shields and struck a nearby bird who had been roosting in a tree.

"HEY!" Maggie yelled as the bird fell on Quinn's head. "I thought you remembered me!"

"You were right," the marine answered as he targeted his gun for another shot.

Quinn managed to explain to the trigger happy marine about Rickman and why they were hunting him.

"My God," the marine whispered. "I guess that means it was Rickman who sucked out the brain of our sentry last night. Wow, and all this time, we were blaming Gnomes!" He grabbed his gun. "I still think Rickman is a good man, but I've always wanted to kill my commanding officer and I'll never get a better chance than now!"

As the marine walked past Quinn and Maggie into the forest, the two looked at each other, smiled, and, at the same time, said, "Expendable extra!"

Meanwhile, Remmy and Malcolm were coming back from a fishing trip.

"The trick," Malcolm explained, "is not to drop the dynamite directly under the boat. Toss it out about five feet from the stern."

"So, where'd you learn to fish like this?" Rembrandt asked.

Before Malcolm could answer, a scream echoed through the valley.

"What's that?" Rembrandt asked.

"The T-Rex!" Malcolm exclaimed. "It's close!"

Rather than running like hell in the opposite direction like I would have done if I was in their shoes, Malcolm and Remmy climbed up onto a nearby rise and watched a very elaborate and expensive CGI dinosaur run down a fleeing army guy and begin chewing him up like a dog biscuit.

"Did you know him?" Rembrandt asked over the reverberating screams of the army guy.

Malcolm shrugged. "He wasn't from our camp."

"OH GOD!!" The army guy bellowed. "SOMEBODY HELP ME!!"

"He was stupid to come out into the field alone anyway," Malcolm continued.

"WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE FOR!!" The army guy cried out while the T-Rex's jaws crushed his spleen. "PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET HELP!!"

"Oh come on, Malcolm," Rembrandt said ignoring the pleas from the Rex-snack. "Don't you think that's a bit cold?"

"I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!! I CAN HEAR YOU!!" The army guy cried. "Oh, so THAT'S what a pancreas looks like."

"Being cold is the only way to survive here," Malcolm asserted. "Do you think we should help that guy down there now?"

"I guess we should," Rembrandt agreed.

They looked back and contorted their faces in disgust as the T-Rex belched and walked off into the distance. "On second thought," Malcolm said. "Let's go back to the camp."

Meanwhile, Maggie, Quinn, and the Marine wandered aimlessly through the forest calling out, "Rickman! Come out, come out, wherever you are!"

"We should split up," Maggie suggested. "I'll stay on his trail. You two flank me."

Quinn began to remove his pants.

"I said FLANK me, Quinn!"

"Oh," Quinn said sheepishly as he pulled his pants back on.

The three split up in search of Rickman and it wasn't long until Ricky effortlessly snuck up behind the marine and sucked his brain out with that funky needle of his. After his face mutated to mimic his now-dead victim, he turned and saw Quinn.

"Over here!" he called out. "Captain Beckett's skinny dipping!"

Quinn grinned and ran full steam towards Rickman who drew his gun and began firing at him. Luckily, Maggie opened fire on Rickman who ran away like a little puss.

"Hey!" Quinn said in disappointment. "You're not naked."

Maggie looked at him and, instead of saying anything supportive, she just slapped the shit out of him.

After Quinn recovered, he and Maggie made their way to a cave on the edge of a rocky outcropping in search of Rickman who had actually seen them coming from a mile away. He curled his thin mustache between his thumb and forefingers and, while Quinn and Maggie explored the cave, he caused a landslide that trapped them inside.

Meanwhile, Wade and Rembrandt finally began to worry about Quinn and Maggie (a little) and, with the help of helpy-helperton, Malcolm, they set off looking for him.

They also, inexplicably, wound up at the cave and watched as a lone figure in the distance activated a wormhole and jumped out of existence.

"Was that Rickman?" Wade asked.

"Not unless you're aware of any other short English sliders in the area," Rembrandt answered sarcastically. "This is just a hunch, of course, but I suggest we search that cave over there. I bet that Quinn and Maggie are inside."

"How do you know that?" Malcolm asked. "And for that matter, how did you know to come here in the first place? Doesn't this all seem a little contrived to you both?"

Rembrandt quickly stuffed his copy of the "Dinoslide" script into his back pocket as the camera found him again. "Malcolm, do us a favor and keep your mouth shut, all right? Quit trying to ruin our last few weeks on a major network with your constant nit-picking!"

"He's got a point, though," Wade agreed. "How DID you know to come here?"

Rembrandt ignored them both as he started towards the caves.

Meanwhile, in the cave, Quinn and Maggie were trying to dig themselves out when they heard a knock at the entrance.

"Uh," Quinn said. "Who's there?"

"Ima," came the deep-voiced answer.

"Ima who?" Maggie asked.

"Ima Gonna Eat You!" came the reply.

"HEY!" Maggie yelled. "You can't fool us! You're the T-Rex, aren't you?"

There was a long silence and then the voice spoke up again.

"Uh... Candygram."

"I may be wrong," Maggie whispered. "But I think that's still him."

Rembrandt, Wade, and Malcolm stopped short when they saw the dinosaur trying to get into the cave. They decided to distract it by putting an apple into Wade's mouth and having Rembrandt dress in drag and do a hula that sounded like this:

"If you're hungry for hunka lean and juicy meat,
Eat my buddy Wade here because she is a treat!
Come on down and devour,
this little tasty flower
Come on, Mr. Dino, you got the power!"

The T-Rex saw the dance and, intrigued by the sheer desperation of the plan, abandoned the cave and began walking towards them. Rembrandt, though visibly nervous at the approaching dinosaur and the threat of legal action for this blatant rip-off, er... I mean HOMAGE to The Lion King continued.

"You'rrrrrrrrrrrrrre winner!"

"Yep, Yep, Yep!" Wade sang in a deep voice.

"Herrrrrrrrrre's your dinner!"

"Yep, Yep, Yep!"

"It's been real fun,"

"Yep, Yep!"

"But now we gotta scream and run!"

"OY!" Rembrandt concluded with a final pelvic thrust.

Wade and Rembrandt both screamed and ran away as the dinosaur chased them to a nearby pit where Malcolm was hiding.

"Man," he said. "That was such a rip-off."

"Homage," Rembrandt told him. "It was an HOMAGE, Malcolm!"

"Sure it was," Malcolm said rolling his eyes.

A few hours later, all of the sliders met back up at the colonists camp.

"Since Rickman's gone," Quinn said. "I say that we kill this T-Rex so that it won't eat anymore of these colonists."

"You know," Maggie interrupted. "If the colonists just camped up on that outcropping like I said they should do, the Rex will just starve to death in a few weeks. It'll be a lot safer than going out with some half-assed lame plan to blow up it's head or something."

"No," Quinn interjected. "I'm the star of this show and I must act heroic at least once an episode. Besides," he said walking over to a crate with the words "ACME T-REX KILLER" painted on the side, "with this baby, we can't loose!"

The plan was simple. Maggie and Wade would lure the Rex to the caves where Rembrandt and Quinn would use the Rex-Killer to shoot a bottle of compressed gas into the monster's gaping mouth. Once the bottle was in the Rex's mouth, one of them would fire a shot at it with a rifle, exploding the bottle and the dinosaur's head with it.

"What?" Maggie said in disbelief as she and Wade went out to lure the Rex into the trap. "Is he getting all of his ideas from Wile E. Coyote now?"

Rembrandt put a hand on Malcom's shoulder. "Malcolm," he said. "I want you to go back to the camp. You might get hurt up here."

"No I won't!" Malcolm whined as he left the cave. As the boy walked out of sight, he tripped down the rocky ledge and screamed until his body thudded onto the ground.

"See?" Rembrandt called out to him.

"Okay," Malcolm moaned. "I'm going back to the camp, now." And, with that, he limped off into the distance.

He entered the forest and came face to face with (wouldn't ya know it) Rickman who held up a cute little bunny rabbit by the ears. "Hello Malcolm," Rickman sneered. "You will do just as I say," he held up a gun to the little bunny's head. "or the little bunny dies!"

Meanwhile, Wade and Maggie came running in from the field. "Crisis! Crisis!" Wade yelled as she and Maggie fought over who'd be the first one to get into the safety of the cave.

Quinn readied the ACME T-Rex Killer and aimed it at the Dinosaur's gaping jaws. "Smile, you son of a bitch!" he yelled as he hit the 'fire' button.

However, the device blew up in Quinn's face leaving him black, smoldering, and holding a sign that said "Ouch!".

"Oh, for God's sake!" Maggie said throwing down her gun and marching up the menacing lizard. With a loud "HI-YAH!" she slammed her fist into the monsters nose causing it to cry out in pain and run away never to be seen again.

"Remind me to quit calling her 'Tank Girl'," Wade whispered to Quinn.

As the sliders walked back out into the field they found Malcolm who told them that he needed help. "I need help," he said. "A friend of mine... uh, she was... uh... bitten by a... uh..."

"A snake?" Wade guessed.

"Snake? Yeah, that's pretty good!" Malcolm said. "Yeah, that's the ticket. He was bitten by a snake."

"I thought you said it was a 'she'." Quinn responded.

"Uh... crap," Malcolm said trying to change his story accordingly. "She... He's a hermaphrodite."

"You're not lying to us, are you Malcolm?" Rembrandt said in a 'Father Knows Best' tone.

"Okay, Okay, Okay," the boy said in defeat. "Rickman said that if I don't deliver you all to him he was going to shot a poor defenseless little bunny. I betrayed you all and I am such a tool."

"I say we kill the little bastard!" Maggie growled as he prepared to blow little Malcolm's cute-but-oh-so-annoying head off.

"Later," Quinn said. "We have to save the cute little bunny. Here's what we do. Malcolm, you go tell Rickman that we all got killed by the T-Rex. Sure, it's putting you in mortal danger, but we'll be all right, regardless."

"No way!" Malcolm protested.

"Okay," Quinn said throwing his arms up into the air. "Maggie, shoot his ass."

A few seconds later, a terrified little Malcolm ran up to Rickman who was still holding the bunny hostage. "Where are the sliders?"

"Dead," Malcolm responded.

"You wouldn't lie to uncle Ricky, would you?"

"Yes...," Malcolm said. "Uh, I mean no."

With that, Rickman let the bunny go and held a gun to Malcolm's head. "All right, this kid's an idiot! Come on out, Maggie! The jig is up!"

"Shit!" Maggie muttered as she and the other sliders came out of the overgrowth and threw down their guns.

Rickman activated his timer and demanded that Quinn surrender his timer. As he bent down to retrieve it off the ground, Malcolm kicked him in the jimmy and Quinn pounced on him only to get his ass whooped but good.

Rembrandt pulled Quinn bloody carcass out of the way as Maggie fired her gun repeatedly at Rickman and, although she managed to clear-cut the forest behind him, Rickman escaped into the wormhole unscathed.

"I missed!" Maggie exclaimed.

Wade looked at the Rickman-shaped silhouette on the trees behind where Rickman had been standing that was created by Maggie hail storm of bullets. "No kidding."

A few hours later, back at the camp, the sliders were getting ready to go. Rembrandt finally found Malcolm at the lake. 

"Hey kid," he said. "It's time for me to go."

"Yeah, I figured so," Malcolm said.

"I'll come back someday," Rembrandt said. "Provided, of course, I don't die a horrible and bloody fiery death at the hands of Rickman or some other diabolical arch-fiend. In fact, I would hazard a guess that this is going to be the last time you see me. Ever. You're last real friend is going to be gone for good leaving you on this miserable world full of man-eating dinosaurs without any parents or anyone who really loves you."

Malcolm began to cry and Rembrandt help him closely. "There, There," he said. "Don't cry too much or you'll get an infection that could make you go permanently blind."

THE END

Sliders won't be seen next week at 7:00 so we can bring you a special FOX presentation of The Best of The Magic Hour. Then, stay tuned at 7:03 for the The Best of the Chevy Chase Show. Then, and 7:03 and 30 seconds, join us for The Almost Watchable Parts of Lawless, then at 7:03 and 33 seconds, be sure to join us for thirty minutes of loud static which is sure to garner the most rating out of the night!

Join us next time when I satirize an episode I truly hate! It's STOKER: THE PARODY or STROKER (I haven't decided what to call it yet!)