The Last Blade 2 is a property of (and owned by) SNK (who are now known as SNK Neo Geo, who are a subsidiary of Playmore. Got it? Good!).
Ben Jonas presents:
The Last Blade 2: I Pie!
By Ben Jonas
The Setting: 1864 (the Bakumatsu), somewhere in feudal Japan.
Once, there was a bladesmith named Genzo Takane, well known for his sword craftsmanship. Along with his only daughter, Hibiki, he lived in peace in a quiet town some distance away from the big city. One day, a tall, mysterious, dark-skinned man appeared at his shop.
Setsuna: Hey! Grampa! Make me a sword out of this!
Genzo Takane: Uh, sir... that's a giant sausage.
Setsuna: Oops! Wrong item. *puts sausage away* Okay then, make me a sword out of THIS!
Genzo *shocked*: But... that's... evilmentium!
Setsuna: Yes! Evilmentium! The most evil metal in the world! What do you say, old man? Think you're up to the task?
Genzo *thinking to himself*: I can feel an intense aura of evil coming from this guy, but I can't back down now. What would my friends say?
Friend 1: You turned down forging a sword out of evilmentium? FHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Hibiki Takane: Father! I'm so ashamed of you! I'm running away to go live in the city with the town punk.
Town Punk: Don't worry, pops. We'll visit some day. Just don't expect her to come back a virgin, though. *the two ride off on horseback*
Genzo: I'll do it, if only to make sure that the town punk doesn't get his filthy hands on my daughter!
Setsuna: Who? You mean THIS GUY?! *pulls out town punk's severed head*
Genzo *shocked*: You... killed him!
Setsuna: He said I was gay!
Genzo: In that case, you get a special 20% discount! You have no idea how much trouble that punk has given me. *pulls down chart* So, what'll it be? There's the "Weekly Wonder" (in which your sword is forged in 7 days), the "Monthly Special" (1 month), the "Bi-Monthly Bargain" (2 months)...
Setsuna: Give me the "Eighty Day Execution Of Perfection". *hands Genzo the evilmentium*
Genzo: Excellent choice, sir. See you in 81 days.
Setsuna: What?! Why 81 days?!
Genzo: There's a one-day waiting period on all swords, knives, and sharp-edged weapons.
Setsuna *irritated*: ARRRR! Stupid Shinsengumi! *exits the store*
81 days later, Setsuna picked up his new weapon (called the Eighty Day Sword), intent on rubbing out all life in Japan and beyond with it. A couple hours later, Hibiki returned home from her self-training, unaware of what had recently transpired. Upon entering the house, she noticed her father was lying in bed, deathly ill.
Hibiki *shocked*: FATHER! What happened?! Speak to me!
Genzo *dying*: H-Hibiki...
Hibiki: It was the sword you made for that silver-haired man that made you ill, wasn't it?
Genzo *dying*: No... That wasn't it. After I finished the sword, I went out to celebrate at a local bar. Unfortunately, I didn't realize until too late that I was deathly allergic to beer nuts. Unable to find help as I struggled to breathe, I staggered back home and collapsed in bed.
Hibiki: Don't worry, father. I'll get that silver-haired man for what he did to you.
Genzo: What are you talking about? He didn't do anything to m... *Hibiki unsheathes sword and stabs Genzo in the gut with it*
Hibiki: Fear not, Dad. I shall avenge your death, I swear.
Genzo *dying*: I'm not dead yet... and why did you just stab me in the stomach? *Hibiki picks up giant Tanooki statue and slams it on top of Genzo*
Hibiki *saddened*: Farewell, father. I go now to seek the man who did this terrible act to you.
Genzo *dying*: Ugh... Still not dead... yet.
Hibiki *annoyed*: Oh, shut up and die already! Look, I can't go on a quest for vengeance unless you are dead. And if I can't go on a quest, then I'll be forced to get a job as a *shudder* waitress girl!
Genzo *dying*: I understand. Farewell, my daughter. *stabs himself in the throat; dies for good*
Hibiki *saddened*: Goodbye, father. At least now you'll be able to keep mother company. *SOB!*
With that, Hibiki left the last remnants of her family behind and took off for the city (but not before taking her father's satchel and a whole lot of money with her).
As Hibiki made her way towards the city, she saw corpse after corpse on the way there, certain that she was on the right path to finding Setsuna. As she continued along the path, her heart started pounding with fear, afraid that he could be a bigger threat than she imagined. Soon, she found a villager dying in the woods. "He's a madman..." were his last words before passing on. Suddenly, she felt the ominous presence of the villagers' murderer right behind her. As she turned around, she noticed that the vile creature was not Setsuna, but, in fact, Mukuro.
Mukuro: NYYAAAAAHH! Hi, Hibiki!
Hibiki: Oh, it's only you, Shikyo. It's been ages since I last saw you. What's with the new look?
Mukuro: In case you haven't noticed, I've been dead for the past six months. But, I was recently brought back to life and given a new name: Mukuro.
Hibiki: I like the new name and look. It suits you nicely. Listen, do you know where the city is?
Mukuro: I sure do. Just keep going straight ahead for the next three miles, turn left, and you're there.
Hibiki: Excellent. Thanks for the directions.
Mukuro: Anytime. Hey, want to go out on a date sometime?
Hibiki: *LIE ALERT* Thanks, but I've already got a boyfriend.
Mukuro: What?! And what does he have that I don't?
Hibiki: Well, for starters, he's far more handsome than you are.
Mukuro *shocked and saddened*: *SOB!* No one ever likes me! *runs off crying in the opposite direction*
Hibiki *thinking to herself*: Geez, what a priss!
As dusk fell, Hibiki finally made her way to the city. Overcome with excitement and nervousness by all of the city's sights and sounds, yet fueled by a desire for revenge, she eventually found a large noodle house and chose to stop on in. Inside, she made her way to the front counter and ordered a bowl of chow fun noodles. While chowing down, Hibiki was approached by two shady-looking men.
Thug 1: Lady, your manner of dress is disturbing. Why not get yourself out of those clothes and wrap yourself up in my bed sheets?
Hibiki: Sorry. I came here to find the man with white hair who murdered my father, not to get laid by a sleazeball like you.
Thug 1 *angered*: Why I oughta...!
Thug 2: *to Thug 1*: Easy, Taisho. *to Hibiki* Did you just say a man with white hair?
Hibiki: Yes I did. Where is he?
Thug 2: Over there. *points to where Setsuna is; he and his owl are slurping up soba noodles*
Hibiki *to Setsuna*: YOU! You are going to pay for murdering my father!
Setsuna: I have no idea what you're talking about, but if you want to kill me, you're going to have to get through my men first. Guards! *snaps fingers*
At that moment, Hibiki was surrounded by eight of Setsuna's thugs.
Setsuna: Take care of the girl while I finish my meal. Whoever kills her first gets a free bottle of sake!
Finding herself surrounded by Setsuna's men, Hibiki slowly turned around, picked up her bowl of noodles, and tossed it straight at the guy in front of her, knocking him out. Picking up her sword, she jabbed the sheathed sword into the thug on the far right's midsection, then slammed it square into the face of the thug on the far left before hitting the downed thug on the far right in the back of his neck with a knockout blow. Three down. One of the thugs charged at her with his sword drawn, but she blocked the attack, and using her free hand, picked him up and tossed him over the counter and into the wall. Four down. Two of the thugs tried nailing her with their swords, but with her sword drawn, Hibiki blocked both attacks at the same time, kicked one of the thugs in the nuts, used her free sword to knock the other thug's sword out of his hands, sheathed her sword, and slammed the two thugs into one another. Six down. Just then, one of the thugs was about to slash her, when she jumped up onto the counter (thus evading the attack), grabbed a bottle of sake, and slammed it over his head. Seven down. Suddenly, out of nowhere appeared the eighth thug, with two swords in hand. Fortunately, Hibiki was able to block all of his attacks, and soon spotted an opening, where she delivered a roundhouse kick to his jaw. She then used her sword's sheathe to nail him in his already-softened chin before picking him up and tossing him out of the window. All eight of Setsuna's thugs were taken care of, or so she thought, when suddenly, one of them came up from behind her and grabbed her buttocks.
Thug 1 *dazed*: Heh! Heh! You've got a squeezably-soft ass!
Embarrassed, Hibiki slammed the back end of her sword into the thug's teeth before beating him senseless with her sheathed sword.
Hibiki *angered and embarrassed*: Pervert!
Setsuna: Impressive, but if you're in such a hurry to die, meet me at the abandoned docks in two hours. Death Owl, take me away! *grabs onto his owl's feet; Death Owl manages to climb a few feet before plummeting to the ground with Setsuna in tow*
Hibiki: Uhh... *sweat drop*
Setsuna *to Death Owl* *irritated*: What the hell!?!?
Death Owl: Maybe if you laid off of eating giant steaks every once in a while, I'd be able to carry you further.
Hibiki: *gets an idea* Hey, Death Owl. Think you can carry me around?
Death Owl: Sure, why not.
Hibiki grabbed onto Death Owl's feet. The two took off and flew around the noodle house.
Hibiki: Wheeee! *Death Owl and Hibiki suddenly drop to the ground* Ooof!
Death Owl: *GASP!* *PANT!* Damn, girl! You're heavy! You need to lose some weight, tubby. *gets knocked unconscious by Hibiki's sheathed sword*
Setsuna: *grabs the now-unconscious Death Owl* My challenge still stands. See you at the abandoned docks in two hours. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!! *dashes off into the distance at blinding speed*
With the challenge set, Hibiki headed off towards the abandoned docks to face Setsuna and her destiny. Two hours later, Hibiki arrived at the abandoned docks, only to see a horrific sight before her.
Setsuna: Prepare yourself... *GASP!* *PANT!* daughter of... *PANT!* *PANT!* daughter of... *PANT!* *PANT!*
Hibiki: Uhh... are you all right? You don't look too good.
Setsuna *gasping for breath*: I ran all the way here.
Setsuna *gasping for breath*: I wanted to make an impressive exit, and now, I'm going to kill you... *PANT!* *PANT!*
Hibiki: You might want to sit down.
Setsuna: Good idea. *sits down*
Hibiki: *sits down* Whenever you're ready...
One hour later...
Setsuna: Now I'm ready. *unsheathes sword* This sword has yet to taste the blood of a swordswoman. You'll be the first.
Hibiki: We'll see about that. IKUZO!
Swords drawn, the two warriors charged into battle against each other. Hibiki matched Setsuna blow-for-blow, dodging, parrying, and countering every one of his attacks. At one point, it appeared that Hibiki had gained the upper hand, until Setsuna unleashed a fierce lightning blast, which forced Hibiki's sword out of her hands, and sent her skidding across the ground. Setsuna then appeared in front of her, picked up Hibiki's sword, tossed it aside, and pointed his sword at her neck.
Setsuna: The Takane bloodline and your dreams of revenge end here. *raises sword* Die, daughter of Genzo!
Just as Setsuna's sword was about to make contact with Hibiki's neck, a mysterious figure appeared out of nowhere and parried his attack.
Kaede: Me? Let you kill an innocent swordswoman? I don't think so!
The blonde-haired swordsman kicked Setsuna in the stomach, sending him careening into a rock. As Kaede helped Hibiki back onto her feet, Setsuna slowly righted himself.
Setsuna: Heh! Heh! Heh! You think the two of you can stop me? I am evil incarnate, forever fueled by hatred! No man-made weapon can kill me!
Kaede: Hmmm. You're right. But, there is one thing that can stop you! *pulls a mysterious item out of his pocket*
Setsuna *shocked*: NO! Not Funster's Fruit Pies! The delicious treat you'd be crazy not to eat! Anger... slowly giving way... to... TEMPTATION! *collapses to his knees* D'oh! I give up!
Kaede *to Setsuna*: Nice try, but not even the forces of evil can resist the delectable home-baked goodness of Funster's Fruit Pies. In five fantastic flavors: Awesome Apple, Bodacious Blueberry, Incredible Cherry...
Hibiki *while munching on a Funster's Fruit Pie*: Primo Peach and Creamalicious Custard, too!
Setsuna *while munching on a Funster's Fruit Pie*: MMMM! Pie-riffic!
Kaede *to Setsuna*: Just why are you so mad at humanity?
Setsuna: I came into this world as an adult and didn't have time to take in any childhood pleasures, like riding a pony or learning how to swim.
Kaede: Don't worry. There's still plenty of time for that. For now, let us celebrate with a rousing game of Hanetsuki (Japanese badminton)!
Hibiki & Setsuna: Right on!
And with that, the trio headed off into the night.
All Three *looking at the camera*: Funster's Fruit Pies! AW YEAH!!!
Announcer: Funster's Fruit Pies. Available at a convenience store near you.
So, what didja think? E-mail me your feedback at firstname.lastname@example.org. See ya!