Date: 11th February 2000
Category: Frank/Rachel romance
Disclaimer: *sigh* I don't own 'em, I just work with them. Frank
& Rachel belong to Hal, Southern Star and all the rest. Rat
belongs to Julia, and It belongs to Cam. And both are used with
permission from those two wonderful people!
Dedication: this is dedicated to my Queen of Fluff Julia. Even
though she's not writing fic anymore (*sigh*), I hope you're
reading this Jules. This is for you to help get over that flu.
Summary: We all love challenges, especially Rachel and Frank. But
really, just who is challenging who here?
Warning: well my editors and betareaders (who will remain
anonymous) were divided as to whether this needed a warning or
not. But things do begin to get a little steamy in here. So be
Rat sat perched on the edge of the bathtub. The tub was filled
with water and floating just out of the cat's reach was a yellow
rubber duck with Blues Brothers style sunnies. Rat reached out
and tapped the duck with his paw but it just bobbed up and down
and floated further away.
'What is that funny yellow thing, and why won't it talk to me?'
Rat liked to be friendly and he was upset that this creature was
ignoring him. He reached out again to tap the duck, but it was
just out of his reach, and he overbalanced
Rachel stretched her aching legs as she slipped out of her suit.
As she walked towards the bathroom she heard a high-pitched
miaaaooowww and an almighty splash. She ran in to find Rat
struggling to swim towards the rubber duck - which was still
bobbing up and down.
"Oh Rat! What are you doing?" said Rachel as she fished
him out of her bathtub.
"Miaow!" the cat replied. 'I was just being friendly
but that yellow thing with glasses wouldn't talk to me.'
Rachel rubbed Rat dry with a towel, and was suddenly turned off
the idea of a long hot soak when she saw the cat hairs floating
in the tub. Sighing, she pulled the plug and rescued David's
After throwing on some bummy clothes Rachel took Rat downstairs
and placed him in his basket. She told him to try and keep out of
Feeling peckish but not extremely hungry, Rachel scanned the
fridge for something to eat. She eventually pulled out some salad
vegetables. She got out a sharp knife and picked up a firm, ripe
At that moment Rat looked up from his toy mouse - who also wasn't
being very friendly - and was stunned by the scene before him.
'What is my mummy doing? She must have gone mad - she's going to
kill that poor red thing!'
Rat leaped from his basket. But still being wrapped in a fluffy
bath towel he landed in a tangled heap on the floor. He struggled
to free himself, and then he jumped onto the bench.
"Rat!" said Rachel, as she put down the knife and
picked the cat off the bench.
As she put him down on the floor there was a knock at the front
door. Rachel went to answer the door and Rat jumped back up onto
the bench and pawed the innocent tomato.
'Hello, I just saved your life. My mummy must be feeling a bit
sick because she doesn't usually kill things.'
Getting no response from the tomato, Rat pawed it again 'My
name's Rat, what's yours?'
Rat began to feel very upset, as no one was being friendly today
'First that yellow thing which tried to drown me, then I didn't
eat that mouse but he wouldn't talk to me, and now I saved this
red thing's life - but he won't talk to me either.'
Just as Rat was about to start crying, his mummy walked back in
with a visitor.
"Miaaaooowww!" said Rat as he saw who it was
'Daddy! I'm so glad you're here, because mummy was about to kill
this poor little red thing'
And then Rat noticed that Frank was carrying some shopping bags
in one hand and a cat cage in the other!
Frank opened the travel cage and out stepped a dizzy It.
'It!' screamed Rat, as he jumped down from the bench.
'Oh Rat, I just had a really bad trip in one of those big things
on wheels. My daddy can't use them very well.'
'Well my mummy is really good at using them, they always do what
she wants. But It, I'm so glad you're here. A mean yellow thing
tried to drown me, and that mouse wouldn't talk to me, and then
my mummy almost killed that red thing up there - and I saved it's
life but it didn't say a thing'
As the two cats wandered off happily in conversation, Frank and
Rachel were discussing food options.
"Well I was about to make a salad," said Rachel,
"but I d'no what I feel like eating."
"Well I bought supplies," said Frank.
"Beer?" asked Rachel.
"'course!" replied Frank, lifting his shopping bags
onto the bench.
"Let's see" said Rachel. "Bananas? Ice
cream, nuts, cherries, beer, chocolate topping, whipped cream
Frank what is this?"
"Well I had a craving for a banana split," Frank said
Rachel rolled her eyes as she opened a can of beer and went and
flopped onto the couch.
Many beers later Frank stood up from the couch and walked
unsteadily towards the kitchen.
"It must be time to split the bananas!" he said
Rachel had already been tired, and the alcohol had quickly gone
to her head and she was feeling very merry. She was giggling as
she picked up a banana - which was never a good sign with Rachel.
"Frank, do you know what they use bananas fro at
school?" she whispered.
"Don't be silly!" scoffed Rachel. "They use
plastic bananas in health education."
Rachel's words were slightly slurred and Frank tilted his head
and looked at her. "You're completely pissed
"Yep!" she replied. "And so are you Holloway. And
*don't* interrupt by banana story so they have plastic
bananas for health education. And when they take the banana skin
off, underneath - there's not a plastic banana, but"
she leaned forward to whisper in Frank's ear, "
there's a plastic penis!" Rachel broke into fits of laughter
with the last word. It made her giggle and blush like an innocent
Frank looked intently at her, thinking hard. "Why do they
need a plastic banana-penis?" he asked seriously.
"To practice!" replied Rachel.
"What," said Frank, wide-eyes, "to practice"
and he made a circle with two fingers and poked another finger
through the middle.
Rachel giggled. "No!" she squawked. "Don't be
disgusting Francis! To practice" she lowered her
voice, "to practice putting on condoms." Once again she
Frank sat pondering the happenings of health education classes.
Rachel picked up the chocolate topping and a mischievous look
flashed across her eyes. As she pretended to make a banana split
she ordered Frank - "Take off your shirt!".
"Duh! Coz everyone knows you can't eat a banana split with
your clothes on."
"Ohh," said Frank, as he took off his shirt. She then
sent him back to the other room and told him to wait for his
Frank could hear Rachel using the can of whipped cream - she must
be putting a lot on the banana splits. "Hey Rach!" he
yelled, "I don't want too much cream!"
A few minutes later he looked up and saw Rachel in the doorway.
At first he wasn't sure if he was just drunk and had gone crazy,
but then he realised that it was Rachel who was drunk and crazy.
She stood in the doorway holding the bottle of chocolate topping,
and wearing nothing but her knickers and cream.
Yes, Rachel had stripped almost bare, and instead of a bra, her
breasts were liberally covered with whipped cream.
She walked towards him with a cheeky grin on her face.
"Still don't want too much cream Frank?"
He was paralysed, mesmerised. He couldn't move.
She stood over him on the couch and seductively licked her lips.
She twisted open the lid on the chocolate topping, an in a slow,
sultry movement, she tipped it over Frank's bare chest.
She sat down on his lap facing him, and ran her hands through the
sticky, chocolaty mess.
Frank was still sitting in shock.
"Don't you want dessert?" asked Rachel.
He just looked at her.
She pushed him back into the couch and started to clean his chest
with her mouth. Feeling her lips, her tongue, on his chest
finally made Frank realise this was actually happening. It wasn't
just another fantasy.
Rachel was working her way across Frank's chocolate-coated chest,
and he leaned down and began nibbling at her neck. He moved his
mouth down her body and she stopped her cleaning job to give him
easier access to her newly-invented dessert.
Even through her intoxicated state, Rachel felt a strange
powerful surge of passion and emotion as Frank's mouth began to
cleanse the cream from her breasts.
It suddenly became more than just a silly, drunken, sexy game.
Years of tension came to the surface, and the desires of both
detectives merged into one.
Their mouths finally met, and the chocolate topping and cream
became an un-noticed sticky mixture as the two bodies became
In the corner Rat and It sat watching their mummy and daddy.
'It, I've been meaning to ask you something why do our
mummy and daddy spend hours cleaning out each other's mouths?'
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