*prologue removed* We have a thread for critiquing stickied to the top of the forum. Please use it instead of starting a new thread just for your own story. Thank you.

Why do you ask for critique on a story that is not yours?

Also, please give your topic a category: You press the little wheel-botton at the bottom of your first post, choose "edit" and write in the category in front of the title of the tread, like this: "Critique: (title of tread)"

It is also very hard to make up an opinion on what you posted because of the format. The block of text makes it hard to folow. It's probably a glich of some sort when you posted, but with the edit-fuction you can go in a make paragraphs as well as edit the title. But, I would advice putting something of your own up there, not someone else's.

Are such things allowed here on WA?

I mean asking for critique in a separate thread like this way?

*curious*

It's better if you make a tread that is a bit more open: we have one for asking for crit on fight-scenes, for instance. It is open for anyone to post and excerpt and ask for help. A tread like that, if , for instance, this tread is converted into a tread where one can post excerpts from their prologues and ask for help, then that should be fine. (If I have understood correctly) Opening a tread just for your story is another matter, especially if you just generally ask for feedback. A specific problem you are struggling with, might well be of more general interest.

So it would better to convert it to into a open thread? But is it alright to make a new topic for such critique? I mean would it get locked?

I think as said by Ragnelle that the post is all bunched together. It is quiet hard to get the flow of the prologue. Perhaps if you would separate it all out and also it would be better if you would categorize your topic as posted by Ragnelle!

:)

Ah, it's because she's using the mobile site, that's why it's all bunched up... You can't even edit anything... I hate the mobile site for that...

As for a critique, it seems a bit too wordy, yet vague. Then again this is perhaps something that would make more sense if I knew the fandom as well..

My question would be, do you think the entire backdrop is necessary to start your own fic?

Apologies! I should realise by now that one cannot assume by way of name. XD

Anywho, it certainly sounds interesting I'm reminded of H. G. Wells' "The Time Machine" to some extent as well as some other fandoms. While this may not be your intention, it's certainly a way capable of enticing readers. I think you can certainly forgo the prologue and condense it as a summary, having the same effect. That is of course if some of the above mentioned background info isn't pertinent to the story.

EDIT: Fandom means an IP (intellectual property) or a particular medium. Harry Potter is a fandom, as is The Legend of Zelda etc. The kind of thing that would garner a fanbase and eventually fanfiction work for it, anyway.

First, please learn to follow the common rules of etiquette for the social interaction on the Internet and locate, read, and follow the rules of any forum, message board, mailing list or other online communications medium before posting. It will serve you well in the future. The fact that you did not bother to properly format your topic title makes it very evident you didn't take the time to read the rules before posting.

As to your prologue, I cannot determine if it's supposed to be part of a fandom or not - and since you seem to be unaware of what a fandom is, I'm betting this is an original piece of fiction, so I would recommend not posting it here on FFN because it does not belong here. Original fiction should be on FFN's sister site, FictionPress. They use the same servers, so I believe an account for FFN is also valid there.

As to critiquing your prologue, it's very disjointed and due to the random capitalization, parsing, and word confusion errors, I'm going to guess that English might not be your first language. I would recommend finding a good beta with a strong grasp of English to assist with mistranslation/misunderstanding errors, grammar, and spelling issues that might come up before posting it anywhere. Beyond that, this just doesn't make sense. They were confused into thinking Earth was all alone until they thought it was true? Humans are the one intelligent species throughout the entire Universe? You have two separate "races" of "Space Humans" and "Earthlings"? Google is a monetary unit now? Or is it a number? Change is bringing change? The UK at some point ended up as a planet?

Personally, if I picked a book up that had this as a prologue in a store, I'd put it back on the shelf and walk off. If I clicked on it as the first taste of a new story online, I'd click the back button and leave. Yes, that's harsh, but it's also my honest opinion. This doesn't hook a reader in, it confuses them and makes them want to leave.

First, I have a lot less sympathy for someone making the sorts of errors you are who claims English is their first language than by someone who is ESL. If you ever want to be taken seriously as a writer - especially of original fiction - you need to have a higher standard of quality to your writing before publishing it. Blaming your device is not an excuse. I regularly post via an iPod Touch and I'm well aware that iOS devices do not randomly capitalize words unless you double space before them and create a period. And even if you do, it doesn't take more than five seconds or so to backspace and correct the error. It says an awful lot about someone when they don't choose to fix basic errors like that before posting.

Second, Google is not a number. It's a search engine if used as a noun or a transitive verb meaning to search for something via said search engine. A googol, on the other hand, is the number 1 followed by 100 zeros. If you want to write SF, you need to be aware of the meaning of the words you're using - especially numbers like that - because it's likely your potential readers will know them.

Third, again because it's SF, you have to be aware of things like evolution and biology. A member of the ** genus (and damn it FFN, it's not a slur!) who has been disconnected from evolutionary path since H. Erectus or H. Habilus is not going to be recognizable as a "human being" to members of H. Sapiens. They're just not. SF writing requires a firm set of rules or "logics" that it must conform to if you want to keep your readers. It's expected of the genre. And if you arbitrarily decide to negate some of the currently understood rules of existence, you have to explain why.

Fourth, if you're going to use the argument that the only planets capable of paying an astronomical sum that so far surpasses our current total GWP (about $78.95 trillion as of 2011 if anyone is interested) that you have to start getting into googolplexs to figure out the difference, then there is no such thing as an Independent Planet. Yet, you claim to be starting your story on an independent planet. So I suppose they're independent due to revolution? Because there's no other way for it to happen. And if there is warring between the members of a government, then it is very hard to claim there is a central government. It would be like the states of Alabama and Montana in the USA going to war with each other. Impractical and highly unlikely to be allowed by the federal government.

Fifth, do avoid purple prose. Change is change. If change does not change things then it is not change and there's no point in mentioning it, now is there. If you don't know what is causing the change or a way to phrase it, then you need to go back to the drawing board and figure out the catalyst for the action of your story.

Yes, I am probably coming across as harsh. However, I am a firm believer that someone who wants to be a writer should always put their best work forward if they're asking for critiquing and frankly, what you've presented so far is not that. Right now, you're rather like someone who's found a rock in their backyard and taken it to a geologist convention without even rinsing it off with a hose and trying to claim it's a precious gem. You need to do a lot more work editing and figuring out what you want to say before this is ready to present to the general public.

What does SF means?

SF is the current commonly used by writers and fans of the genre to refer to Science Fiction. The term "sci-fi" was used for a while but became associated with low budget, poorly made movies and pulp writing. In fact, by the end of the 1970s, it was more often used to describe hack writing than serious science fiction and had gained the pronunciation of "skiffy". Judging from the prologue presented in this thread, I'd guess he's going for the Space Opera subgenre of SF as well.

Thanks a lot for the clarification there.

And,

Wow! you got lots of info there.

:)

Yes, I noticed it's set in the future, but that doesn't mean the basic rules of physics and how we understand evolution have disappeared. You also will need to explain why humans were only discovering fire a million years ago if they were secretly the most important citizens of a space faring civilization. And how those same most important citizens were able to just go missing without anyone looking for them. To be honest, you might have a better chance explaining Earth as a "lost colony" that was lost contact with during the First Universal War. Or suggesting those early colonists crash landed on Earth instead of doing so deliberately and had to relearn how to survive at a very basic level after the loss of their ship and contact with their civilization.

You also might be thinking too large for this stage of your storytelling ability. Tell the story of those early colonists struggling to survive in the unforgiving setting of 997,988 BC. Tell the story of the first contacts of the "space humans" with Earth - we're not exactly likely to just welcome them with open arms you know. Tell the story of a guerrilla force struggling to be recognized by their planet and drive in the wedge that separates their home from the central government. Tell the story of a reporter, traveling through the universe to "get the scoop".

Don't focus so much on this huge overarching plotline involving a Second Universal War. Let it exist in the background and influence your plot, but it's a bit too big to be your main plot. Think of it as one of those mosaic pictures that are made up of hundreds of smaller pictures. Each picture on its own is a legitimate picture in and of itself, but when put in the right place, it becomes part of this much bigger picture. Think of the stories you're telling as the little pictures. They're all telling different parts of the same big picture - the story of the Second Universal War - but doing it in a way that is more character driven. Not a whole lot interesting about governments duking it out at the end of the day. Just like you don't tell a story about WWI or II by the general movements of the governments unless you're writing a history book. For fiction, it's easier for the audience to relate to characters than governments.

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