Feel free to read, but seriously, if all you're going to say is that I need to suck it up (don't think any of you guys would, but just in case <3), please keep it to yourself ;-;. Low self esteem here, people :(.

KAYY.

Rant #1 : IB.

IB must stand for intolerable blasphemy, cause honestly, I'm losing my mind. It's like I never have a moment to myself (besides the ones I create for me) and if I forgo homework for ME time, which I seriously need, I fail. I got a 52 on my calculus test. A 52 (I've gotten Fs before, so don't think this is one of those rants) and I think I understand everything until I see the test. In chemistry, I don't understand a thing- we're doing organic chemistry (if anyone helps me with this, I'll love you. so. much). And in all my other classes (especially *bleeping* history) we have an insane workload, so if you get behind on one thing, you're gone. GONE.

So I asked my IB counselor if I could switch schools or something, because if I stay at my school, I want to get the IB diploma. It's a confidence thing; I personally couldn't bear to do all that work just to get a certificate or something and watch all my uber genius friends get diploma. I'd feel even crappier about myself because I KNOW I could do it, I just don't know if I want to anymore.

But anyway, he won't let me switch (and I need his recommendation to switch schools in the middle of the year unless it's my base school) because he says the teachers give me leniency, and people know me. What. I feel like the problem IS that my teachers know me; everyone's built up this preconception about me. They expect me to be sick, they expect me to be lazy and not do work, and they expect me to do poorly. It's horrible, to miss a day and have all your teachers just go >.> knew it would be sooner or later.

But part of me thinks that the reason why I've missed so much school is BECAUSE I hate it; it's not like I'm playing hooky or anything, but I'm depressed, and depression can manifest itself physically. I really want to go to this performing arts school next year for my senior year, but all my friends (the only real people I have in my life besides my online friends) are saying I shouldn't, and I just don't know what to do D:.

But I hate that I can't talk to you guys directly anymore. In a way, it's good, because you've become like my real life friends; I'm so afraid of irritating you all or making a fool out of myself, and I generally care about what you think of me so much that I won't talk about myself. I'll clamp up :3.

But it also sucks cause I can't talk to anyone now.

Anyway. Rant over. For now >.>

I'm not really good at consolations or that sort of thing, but I would definitely not tell you to quit whining unless I genuinely meant it because I do it too. *Hugs* Sorry I don't know much about chemistry or any of that stuff. I left my brain back in high school.

I really want to hug you right now and tell you everything is going to be okay, but sadly, you're on the other side of the screen. So, in that case, tell someone you can trust... someone close to you that you know in real life. They'll help. Parents may not be your first choice, Mel, but an adult figure such as them may know what you're going through. Don't be afraid to talk to someone.

We all love you. Don't get too upset. D:

(I was going to do this in a PM, but opted not to)

a) I suffer from depression, and in my experience the WORST thing you can do is bottle it up inside. It's like shaking a soda bottle, it's just messy!

b) You are not 'infecting' the happy RTANTs. It's a safe haven for all of us to vent to each other! I carry my soapbox with me everywhere! You know that! :D

c) Low self-esteem is a tough thing to conquer. The toughest lesson I had to learn from depression is how to love myself. Look at how much we all love you here! Remind yourself of the people whom you make smile day in and day out in life...and then smile yourself! As I always say, SMILE! It looks good on you!

d) If IB stands for intolerable blasphemy, AP must stand for Acrid Poop. How is it blasphemy? What religious figure are we blaspheming?

e) Some people just don't test well. As I told Wolfie, take a deep breath. Don't second guess yourself, and have a good laugh beforehand. Stress increases our body's cortisol levels, which affects neural firing, which in turn affects our ability to retrieve information! Release those endorphins...SMILE! :D Peter Pan said it the best, if you wanna fly, think happy thoughts!

f) "They expect me to be sick, they expect me to be lazy and not do work, and they expect me to do poorly. It's horrible, to miss a day and have all your teachers just go" So why are these expectations even in existence? Work on proving them wrong! You can do it! I know it sounds lame, but just believe in yourself!

g) School can be tough. And it can suck. And it can drag us down into holes that we think we can't climb out of...but that's not the case! Depression can indeed manifest itself physically, so work on reversing those effects! Eat healthier, drink less soda and more water, exercise, put on your head phones and go for a walk, study outdoors, surround yourself with friends, get to bed early...the list goes on! When I feel like I'm in the hole, I listen to my favorite music, and remind myself that depression is not a thing, it is not tangible, it is not a thing that sits on my shoulders and weighs me down. I can conquer it. And so can you!

h) Never EVER clamp up. Silencing who you are only makes depression worse. If you've got something you want to say, say it! You are a very intelligent, well spoken young woman Mel, I totally see it in your posts, and in how you chime in when I digress on pedantic topics. An F or a 52 is just a symbol...a number...you are a human being and if you let a tiny symbol or number speak volumes about who you are...well that's just wrong! :D You are more than a number, so show your teachers that! It's a big lesson you have to learn in college when ALL of your classes will be like IB on crack!

Bottom line: I <3 you Mel. And I hope things get better. Just take a step back, calm yourself down, make a plan, and run with it. Or better yet, defy gravity!! :D

And don't forget to smile!

Smooches,

Nimby

Last year, I was in extreme danger of failing Algebra II. But I just kept going, and made it clear to my teacher I was trying my hardest. He helped me through, and guess what? I passed! And this year, I have an A in Pre-Calculus.

So just keep pushing!

<333

Tiggy

P.S. Dancing Through Life should not be listened to when you are doing homework. That is BAD!

Rant away. Seriously the interbutts were invented for ranting. No one here minds as everyone needs someplace to rant. :)

Now to the heart of the matter. The bit that hit me most was that your depression is manifesting itself into physical illness. Mel that's not good. You're putting yourself through all these IB classes and amassing unbelievable amounts of stress, and for what end? It seems you'd be much happier at the performing arts school. Screw what your friends think. My friends said I was crazy to apply to art schools, I'd never make any money doing that, and yet I'm the happiest of all of us. So what if I'll be poor? I'll be the happiest poor person around!

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't settle for a life when you know you can have SO MUCH MORE. I say take a step back, and think about which would make you happiest in the end. If you can't think that far then think about tomorrow. What would make you happiest tomorrow? Not going to school? If it's a yes then perhaps meeting with a counselor at the arts school would be a good idea.

Than again I don't know your entire situation. For all I know you might want to be the next Einstein in which case the IB route would be the way to go. But than again if that was the way you wanted to go you'd at least be getting SOME happiness from at least one of your classes. And we can all see your not. You're still young and I can't believe you're going through this much hell! You're not supposed to be getting grey hairs till your last years in college right before finals week!

You say you don't know what to do. Make a pro con list. List all the positive and negative points of staying in IB and then do the same for the arts school. Ask yourself again what you want from both and weigh the answer in conjunction with what you want after school is all said and done. I noticed you didn't mention your parents so I'm guessing they don't seem to be a stress point. If they are you'd probably have mentioned them at least 3 dozen times lol. If you're considering going to the arts school then I'm guessing they support your choices. If so be thankful! They can be your greatest strength in ally if you let them! They can even help you with your choice. But don't just approach them out of the blue with random questions. Make the list, do the research, approach them calmly and they'll be impressed by how well you thought everything through.

Don't give up yet Mel! You may feel rock bottom but alas I shall be cliche and say you can only go up from here. You have a great opportunity in the arts school. Do what makes you happy. You won't believe what a bit of happiness can do to once self confidence. ;) And don't ever hesitate to rant. We're listening.

(Lexi, sadly, I'm a ton better than I was last year. I'm really glad I got meds when I did, though, because if I hadn't and had gone on to a full IB schedule this year? ... I might have actually seriously thought about going through on one of my suicidal urges >.>)

Which sounds like a horrible, overdramatic thing to say, but hey, I suppose that's me.

I'll take your guys' advice and try and figure everything out ;-;.

Thanks for the support <3

--

I sent a link of this forum to German, so he's an occasional lurker. He just sent me this to tell you:

"Tell her I said that it is hard at first, but she needs to keep trying. Even at the end I felt scared that I would fail, but I'm really glad I stuck with my AP classes, even though the work load almost killed me. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger in the end. Stick with IB and if it gets to the point where you can't live with yourself, then pull out."

--

Hang in there, Mel. Feel free to rant-- we'll be here to listen.

*hugs*

That's all I can do....everyone else said all I would have. XD

*GREAT BIG HUGS*

I stopped playing guitar because my boyfriend was amazing at it and I hated playing in front of him. He didn't laugh at me but he always wanted me to play and I just HATED looking bad in his eyes so much that I had to quit. I just though he'd realise how rubbish I was and leave me. And Now my mum, dad and nan call me lazy and say im not interested in anything, and I'm a quitter when I'm not instantly the best at anything. 'Music isn't a competion.' I know that, that's not the point.

And I don't do well at uni because of it just because I don't think I can do it.

They all think I'm stupid because I bought him a guitar (£250) and then we split up but he said I could have it back but I wanted him to have it. That was the point. It was my money, and whats the point of money if you can't use it to make someone you care about happy.

And I have a guitar for myself and they say I'm a 'crackpot'and a 'weirdo' because I can't play it. But I just like to keep it on display I love the instrument and anyone I meet can play it for me. It's a great talking point, better than the TV.

Dad's not so bad, he just doesn't understand emotion and gets angry and calls me imature if I cry or talk about boys. My mum judges me on everything and puts me down because she sees me as an enemy. My nan is the worst (who I live with). Everytime I say something good about myself it's 'no, you're not.' And she hates what I wear and says I look like something the cat dragged in, or ill. But I hate the way I look anyway. I wanted to get a flat with my brother cause my dad said we could but she said: 'your brother won't want that.' She wants him to stay at home with my and look after her (dad's her ex) but that's no life for him.

I can't talk to any of them cause if I show anger or sadness in my speech to mum, she'll think I'm having a go at her and start shouting that she cant help me, she doesn't understand me, or talk over me about herself, or someone I don't know because she likes to feel important. But I just need someone to listen. I can't talk to dad cause he can't deal with it and will trivalise it and put me down for feeling that way. And my nan with go 'oh you're so emotional, I don't care what people think of me I just get along with it.' But you have self esteem! lol

Melalviel I can imagine what depressions like, I don't suffer from it but you have all the wishes in my heart. I wish I could rid the world of low self esteem, if I could have anything. *hugs* God bless you for starting this thread *hugs* I needed it sorry for stealing your rantness! :)

My mum says talking about things makes me worse because I go round in circles but that's okay it can't make you worse you have to convince yourself of things when you have a lapse of confidence. Going round in circles is how you heal. You have to say it until it goes in. Bottling it up is NEVER good. You'll never look stupid, look how everyone in this thread loves you! :)

we have an insane workload, so if you get behind on one thing, you're gone. GONE.

Is there any way you can talk to a teacher about it? I know a couple of years ago I was struggling with my workload, so I went to the teacher who I could talk to easily, but was also laying on a lot of work, and spoke to her about it, and she offered that to give me two days extra to hand things in, on condition that I worked super hard in lessons. Myabe that could help you?

feel like the problem IS that my teachers know me; everyone's built up this preconception about me. They expect me to be sick, they expect me to be lazy and not do work, and they expect me to do poorly. It's horrible, to miss a day and have all your teachers just go >.> knew it would be sooner or later.

Prove them wrong. And then prove them wrong again. You seem like a wonderful person to me, I can't see you being lazy at all, you work so hard on things on FFN. If you need some "Me time" put aside some beta-ing for a night or two. Jelly will understand, so will I and I'm sure anyone else you beta for will as well :)

But part of me thinks that the reason why I've missed so much school is BECAUSE I hate it; it's not like I'm playing hooky or anything, but I'm depressed, and depression can manifest itself physically.

That it can. Low self esteem is an awful thing to have and I expect depression doesn't help at all :( The only thing I can really say here is talk it out. Talk it out with me over PM or IM, talk it out with us all on the board, talk it out with your friends, talk it out with your parents. I'm always here for a chat, and I'm sure everyone else is too, if you don't want to talk it out verbally.

I really want to go to this performing arts school next year for my senior year, but all my friends (the only real people I have in my life besides my online friends) are saying I shouldn't, and I just don't know what to do D:.

Darling, do what you want to do. If you think that is where you want to go, do it. Don't let anyone stop you. Whatever you do, your friends should and will support you, no matter how this next year (and the rest of your life) goes. And if they don't stick by you when you don't do as they tell you, they're probably not worth it. But on the other hand, weigh out the pros and cons of this. Is there a reason that they are telling you not to go there, or are they just saying that because they don't want you to go? Ask them why they don't want you to go, and consider the reason. Is it fair? If you don't agree with their reasonings, go for it :)

But I hate that I can't talk to you guys directly anymore. In a way, it's good, because you've become like my real life friends; I'm so afraid of irritating you all or making a fool out of myself, and I generally care about what you think of me so much that I won't talk about myself. I'll clamp up :3.

Don't be afraid of irritating us, we know you, and if you explain that you feel upset then we'll always rally round and try and help you through it. Don't clamp up. Talking's the best thing you can do, and we're all here to listen. We <3 you very much :)

It'll all come through :) And remember, we love you (we married you, didn't we ;-]) and we're all here :)

Omg yes D: They're like "you never want to do anything; it's all about you."

...not my fault.

I'm sorry to hear all that, but at least you're not alone ;-;. *hugs*

You seem like a wonderful person to me, I can't see you being lazy at all, you work so hard on things on FFN. If you need some "Me time" put aside some beta-ing for a night or two.

That's just it; I work hard on things I like >.<. I try to do so on other stuff but just can't. I'm getting better, slowly. SLOWLY.

And if they don't stick by you when you don't do as they tell you, they're probably not worth it. But on the other hand, weigh out the pros and cons of this. Is there a reason that they are telling you not to go there, or are they just saying that because they don't want you to go? Ask them why they don't want you to go, and consider the reason. Is it fair? If you don't agree with their reasonings, go for it :)

It's mostly just that; that they don't want me to go. But it's also that next year's my senior year, and they're worried for me that it'd be hard to adjust (which I appreciate, and I do agree it would be) and that I wouldn't be there for all the cool senior stuff ;-;. I'm just so sick of my school, I can't even describe it. It's literally, physically weighing me down. Like I was trying to explain to my parents/counselor/friends, I don't like ANY of my classes this year- not one. High school's supposed to be the time when you experiment and figure out what you like, have a fun social life, get ready for real life. It's not supposed to be this depressed, stressed, and messed up. One of the things my psychiatrist said was he thought one reason why I might have insomnia is because I inadvertently MAKE myself have it because I dread getting up in the morning.

Talking's the best thing you can do, and we're all here to listen.

I know, and I see all this great support I have ;-;. I just feel like I'm whining and going omglistentomeemo!rant. If that makes sense at all :S.

*doesn't like talking much xD*

Thanks for all this, guys <333

-edits thread-

There, now it's not "my rantness" anymore >:0

My current rant is about doublespeak in the speech of the 2008 Presidential Candidates.

So not so much of a life rant, but something that's pissing me off anyway.

Ugh you watched the debate last night too? Shoot me now.

*hugs* thanks for starting the rant thread, it really is amazing to know im not alone :)

I think I'd like to begin by saying that my father has never liked me very much. In any event, my mom was working tonight, so he decided to drop in while she was away. I'd really only seen him once before since I got back from school, on Thanksgiving. And in fact, Thanksgiving is when this all really started. My dad had purchased some tickets to go see a holiday concert at this country club he'd been frequenting lately, and he was planning to take my brother, only his mom told him he should probably take me too because I like Christmas music. The only person who can really control my dad is his mother, so he naturally found himself unable to take no for an answer.

I do happen to like Christmas music. My dad just doesn't happen to be very good company. I am putting this rather lightly, too, in reality my hands are still trembling from what happened tonight, and I'd sacrifice a night of Christmas music just to stay away from that verbally-abusive cheese-brain's company. In any case, right after my mom left for work (or so it seemed), he popped in and said, "Sale, you're coming with me to the concert on Thursday." I, not knowing anything about this until tonight, said I was busy. He said I didn't have much of a choice in the matter, and that my brother (age 11) was coming too. My brother is--and I'm not exaggerating when I say this--his #1 favorite kid, the one he takes EVERYWHERE, but that's a rant for another day, and I believe after this my rant quota should be filled for now. I love my brother to pieces, and my sisters, my mom, and I all know my dad can't possibly be a very good influence on him, mainly because typically he just shuffles about complaining that there's something mentally wrong with me.

So of course, I don't really want to go to this concert, but he evidently makes it seem like I have no choice about it, and I've got this nagging feeling that I really don't want to leave my impressionable little brother (age 11) alone with him for too long. My dad starts eating the leftovers from dinner--which, I might add, don't belong to him at all because he's got his own house, far, far away. And then he starts making small talk, like how's school going. So I say I got straight As again, and he scoffs and replies, "If you were going to engineering school, you'd probably be failing." Was he trying to pick a fight or something? Who says that to their kid, anyway?! Frankly, I didn't want to stick around to get berated until my mom came back and told him to go home herself, so I grabbed my coat and wandered around town for a couple of hours, hoping he'd be gone by the time I got back. Fortunately by that time he had, because my mom's car was in the driveway and his wasn't.

She looked quite steamed that he'd barged in like that and told us to keep the door locked next time she goes to work. I told her about the concert as well as my concerns and she said she'd rather I went, so he doesn't try and brainwash my brother into going with him to some big [American] football game next week. My dad can be rather manipulative when he wants my brother to go places with him, and it doesn't help that the kid's easily manipulated. I can't imagine him making a scene in a public place, but I'd personally not like to hear any derogatory remarks on the ride to this concert, or have to hear him try to sell my brother the concept of going to this game--and the boy doesn't even LIKE football!--the entire time. I know if I try to fight fire with fire and keep him from going to the game (and ultimately being either bored out of his mind, or convinced that he's enjoying himself when he's not), it's likely to make my dad blow up. If I don't do anything, my brother will wind up spending that entire game with him whether he likes it or not, and since he's so impressionable, my dad might try to push his own chauvinistic lifestyle upon him. Thinking about this makes me think I'm being set up somehow.

I have two sisters as well, one of whom was holed away in her room the whole time he was here on her top bunk, so he wouldn't force her into going to this concert as a second choice. The other was conveniently absent. Neither of them really think highly of the guy either.

If any of you made sense of that, I congratulate you, because I have a feeling my thoughts aren't as coherent as they should be at the moment. I'm probably in some sort of shock. I think. At least this thread isn't going to waste.

Hate it, hate it, hate it. I seriously CANNOT wait until I leave this hellhole they call high school >__<

Heavy loads of schoolwork that teachers grade insanely, people always looking down their noses at you and judging you before they know you, no time whatsoever, so little sleep that my eye has had a permanent twitch since October, parents never supporting you, a constant feeling of failure, neverending migraines, no ME time, doing what you hate doing for a reason that you hate, and NEVER FEELING HAPPY.

asjdiofawjeofIEJRIOWUJRIWJIOUJRIOWU!)(*!(2&$*(#@%(.

^ -blows off steam-

...I'm done. Seriously. Done.

So, right now, my mood isn't pretty and I'm ready to pop. All I feel like doing is ranting and being bitchy about things, so here I go.

First of all, what has happened to our world? We've all gone off the deep end, and screwed up pretty bad. We've all turned nuts. We're all technology-obessed. Look at us, all we do is use technology. Heck, if you're reading this, you're using a computer. We're all modern. We're all modern losers.

A few days ago, I was talking about a horse with a nine-year-old for some reason. I said something about a mustang (referring to a horse) and she said, "Isn't that a car?" >___________________>

Our world has been polluted and forgotton. Someday, it'll screw us back, like we've done to it, and all we can do is live with it, because we did it to ourselves.

And, what's worse, because of my current state of mind, I'm afraid of going onto the talking thread, for fear that I'll act like an ass in front of everyone. And I feel not like I can sleep...

I could rant some more of course... but who wants to read me do that?

Have a nice night.

-F

Remarriage is a solution. :O

I would love to, Mel.

Cuz I'ma pioneer woman, pal!

*is annoyed*

D:

I'm not having a lot of luck socially right now in RL. D:

My crush kissed my best friend on the lips three times today.

And, he told her he liked her...and she said she liked him.

I know I should be happy for her....but I just don't feel like being happy. >.<

He's the only *guy* I've ever really liked....other than some childish crushes.

It just...djgpmdognOD:JtpgNLNclidjf >(

AND RELIGION AND POLITICS CONFUSE ME.....that had nothing to do with the previous rant...but...yeah.

I appreciate it a lot.

Your welcomes.

I have had about enough.

I have been driven up the wall one thousand times.

I have told him and told him to do something, while he just blantently ignores me.

I have asked him to stop, while he ignores me some more.

I am close to being completely sick of it.

He talks to strangers and ASKS THEM IF THEY'RE EVIL.

HE ASKS THEM THEIR NAME.

He doesn't listen to me.

AND I CAN'T MAKE HIM.

If I raise my voice or count, he laughs at me.

And, if I lose my temper and give him a whack or two (which I do often) he cries as if he didn't expect it, then I have to COMFORT HIM WHEN I'M SUPPOSED TO BE MAD.

I have a short temper.

AND YET HE DECIDES TO PUSH MY BUTTONS.

One day, I'm going to smack him into oblivion.

And then, regret it.

I'm sorry.

It turned out very long, there's no need to read it all, it also really helps having it all typed up and feeling like I told someone.

So, I've always shared my birthday with my grandfather. I'll be honest and say that I didn't always like that when I was little. I always had to go over to his place to sit there with all the other old people coming by for his birthday to talk about politics and taxes etc. But an upside to it was that when he turned 60, he threw this enormous party, when basically everyone came, close family members to distant friends, and a lot of them brought a present for me as well (I turned 8 then). Back then, we promised each other that we'll throw an even bigger party in 10 years, when he would turn 70 and I 18, both big numbers.

Now, three years ago, my parents me and my brother were planning on moving (for me and my parents back) to the States. I was as excited as I could be, as life here sucked around that time and I loved the chance of starting again, but that's all beside the point now. My grandfather made me promise, that whatever happens, I come back so we could celebrate our 70th/18th birthday together.

Well, to my great disappointment, we didn't move to the States, 'cause my mom couldn't get a visa (again, besides the point XD). So, over the last few years, the big party plan kinda faded into the background, one of the reasons probably being that both my grandparents and especially my parents are very low on money.

Then, very suddenly and abrupt, my grandfather died, he just basically dropped dead, to put it blunt. It was a big blow for the family. And as the ones of you who have lost someone close to you (I had a special bond with my grandfather, being his first grandchild/same birthday etc), times like holidays and birthdays are even tougher than the normal days.

So, now that my, and his, birthday is next week and Christmas coming up soon too, we're all (a little) worried for my grandmother, who is now alone in that big house of her. And here is where the ranty part comes. Everyone is so concerned about how my grandmother is feeling and coping etc. And seriously, I do get it, don't get me wrong! These are hard times for her. But somehow no one seems to care how I must feel. I shared my freaking birthday with the guy! We were supposed to celebrate it together, this day in our lives, whet we've been talking about for basically all my life. And now suddenly here alone! Everyone will come to my house on that day, instead of going to his, or some rented party place. I don't know how the day will turn out. I know I'm certainly not looking forward to it. I think that then I'll finally realise that he really isn't here anymore. I do have to say that he always spent half of the year in France (about May through October), so I didn't see him in those months. And since he died in July, I think it never really hit that he isn't here anymore. I think that this all is also some underlying unconscious reason why I'm throwing my on my Elphie dress again, determined to get it done in time so I can wear it on my birthday. So I can somehow be someone else, and don't have to deal with all this, at least for half the day, when I'm at school. A other thing about the whole dress thing is, is that my grandfather always loved me as a girly girl (I used to be quite a girly girl when I was young). I used to do ballet and otehr dance stuff, and he always tried to get me in dresses and stuff and be more girly once I lost that. So for once I'm glad that I have school on my birthday (I've always been on the border of my birthday being in the Christmas break or before), so I'll hopefully won't be with my mind at home and with everything that will be going though everyone's head. I can hopefully just be me celebrating my birthday with my friends at school, wearing my Elphaba dress.

I think it'll be an awkward and tough day, and I'm not looking forward to it. But by focussing on my dress for the coming week, I hope not think about it too much beforehand, and that it'll give me some strength on the day itself. I hope Elphie will somehow help me pull through it decently enough. You may think that that's weak of me, to need that support, but I haven't been dreading Christmas or any other similar thing since July, I've been dreading our, my birthday.

Now my mom also wants me to go to dinner with my grandmother, especially because she (grandmother) has something special to give me. I was (and am) okay with that, it's the good thing to do. Again, I'm not looking forward to it. But then yesterday, when she was talking to an aunt or uncle, she told him/her and was all about how I will go to dinner with my grandmother and then replace my grandfather. And somehow that just was some sort of slap in the face. I don't want to be a replacement, and that's not how I saw this dinner like, my replacing him. It just bugged me.

Wow, this started off as a rant along the lines of and-what-about-me!? (which is still a big part of this whole situation) but has turned into something totally different. I think I just needed to get this off of my chest... I do hope it still makes somewhat sense, if you've even read it all, it's quite long.

*hugs*

I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing this with us, and I know I'm not the only one who'll be keeping you in their thoughts this month. If you need to vent again, we're here. <3

You'll be in my thoughts *hugs*

<333

I posted this on LJ as well, try and answer as much as you can!

Here's a cool meme I filled out on Facebook. Just a neat little way to organize your issues arsenal for the upcoming '08 Presidential Elections...which I go totally nuts over.

Fill out as much as you can!

THE ISSUES:

2008 Presidential Candidates:

I am still unsure of who I want to vote for. I have problems with each candidate and unfortunately cannot reconcile those problems enough to just settle on one candidate.

Party:

I hate the two party system, and refuse to pledge loyalty to either side. I vote for a person, not a party. The blatant pandering that occurs between the candidates is appalling and entirely fueled by the parties and their constituents. The average American was lost in the equation long before.

Abortion:

100% Pro Choice. If the Government is granted authority over a woman's body, then the next step would be control over her mind.

Affirmative Action:

I am only for it if it is given to minorities who deserve it... i.e. those who are capable and intelligent.

Alternative Fuels:

This is a lose/lose situation. I do not support full dependence on biofuels as their production is just as detrimental to the environment as the use of oil. I fully support hydrogen power or fuel cells. What needs to be done now is to reduce our dependence on oil by placing tougher standards of emissions and fuel efficiency and providing incentives for purchasing those vehicles.

Capital Punishment:

Completely for it. Prisons and jails are overcrowded and there are some heinous crimes that should be punishable by death. However don't put people on death row for 20 years!

Censorship:

I hate censorship. All it does is breed animosity and bigotry. Just as we have the right to free speech, one has the right to choose not to listen. And parents who bitch and complain about what's on TV should keep a better eye on their children and not use the TV as a babysitter!

Cuba:

Lift the embargo.

Current Administration (Bush/Cheney):

No comment.

Current Congress:

A complete mess. It's pretty telling when your approval rating is actually lower than Bush's! They cannot agree on anything; each session is nothing but bipartisan bickering. The Democrats make a mess, and the Republicans are filibuster happy. Bush vetoes everything that makes it through, and yet they can only manage to override one! Also they're so caught up in the next elections, that they start campaigning the moment they're inaugurated!

Education:

A complete mess. No Child Left Behind needs to be left behind, and teachers deserve higher salaries! Teaching for a test undermines the entire purpose of education!

Electoral College:

Abolish it. The American public needs to be mobilized to care about the elections and vote in greater numbers. Election day should be a national holiday like it is in Europe!

Flag Burning:

Protected by the first amendment.

Foreign Policy:

For now? I think we need to be Isolationist. How can we help other nations if our own is in such a state of disarray?

Gay Rights:

I don't care if I can't get married in a church. Gay partnerships deserve recognition as legit commitments and deserve all of the rights and privileges granted by Marriage. Britney Spears can get married for 50 hours, but the Government thinks that Gays and Lesbians getting married will somehow tarnish the sanctity of marriage...love is love and the Government should stay out of our families. That being said, I don't think gay marriages will be coming anytime soon unfortunately...

Global Warming:

Inevitable.

Globalization:

Once again: inevitable. To curtail this problem, higher education needs to be made more affordable as to allow more people to attend and therefore be able to perform the jobs that are currently being outsourced. We could fall behind China and/or India soon.

Gun Control:

I fully support the 2nd amendment, however I think there should be stricter background checks and stricter safety standards. Guns don't kill people, people kill people.

Healthcare:

While I think there are huge problems with corruption and dispassionate attitudes in the insurance companies, I also think socialized medicine can cause some big problems as well. While free healthcare for all sounds like a wonderful idea, it makes for poor service and long waits for critical procedures (note: Canada and England). Tax incentives for the self-insured and free care for children of low income families are crucial. Universal Health Care could prove to be a logistical nightmare. Want to wait 4 months for an operation, have a depersonalized office experience, have the government become our diagnosticians instead of doctors?

Illegal Immigration:

Still not 100% on this issue either, I think we do need stricter border control from here on out. Illegals take jobs from Americans and Legal immigrants.

Marijuana Legalzation:

For it. Put a big tax on it and it'll put money back into the economy, but make sure to put similar restrictions on it as was done with alcohol.

Media Bias:

This is why I listen to NPR. American Media has forgotten its obligation to the people and has completely converted into a business. It's a sad, sad day when Paris Hilton's prison fiasco graces our front pages rather than the scores of soldiers and civilians losing their lives in Iraq.

Minimum Wage:

The falling dollar isn't making this any easier but minimum wage should be raised to a 'liveable' amount. That would curtail the problems with the flawed Welfare system as well.Celebrities and Athletes need to have their outrageously inflated salaries reduced.

Outsourcing:

A problem that's not going away due to our Capitalist society. Decrease the costs of higher education!!

Right to Die:

100% for it, for the same reason I support abortion. It's your body and the government has no right to tell you what to do with it.

School Prayer:

Should not be mandated in public schools. If you wish for your child to be required to pray in school, send them to Catholic School or Muslim School or a Yeshiva, I don't care.

Separation of Church and State: Has been deteriorating to the point where all of the candidates deem it prudent to tout their religious convictions in order to sway voters. This is why I dislike Mitt Romney with a growing passion. Our country was founded on freedom from religious persecution...why ignite it again!?

Social Security:

Privatize it and raise the retirement age to 68!

Stem Cell Research:

100% in support of embryonic Stem Cell Research. Thousands of these cells are lost in IVF clinics, and you don't hear the religious right harping on them for tossing out embryos!

Taxes:

LOWER THEM! I don't want to pay for programs that don't work! Tax based on consumption NOT on Income!

The Constitution:

Is slowly being replaced by the Bible. Also too many people are unaware of what it says in the country!

Unions:

Can cause more trouble than they are worth if they ask for too much.

United Nations:

Needs a lot of work. Should not be used a vehicle for American Foreign policy.

War in Iraq:

This is a war of blood and oil, NOT terrorism. The US should not assume the responsibility of World Police. We have lost a lot of prestige because of the foolish ideals and reasonings of the Bush Administration. You cannot force change on a society that is not ready for it. A democracy is the last thing on the minds of the Sunni and Shia Iraqis. Just because it works for us, does not mean we must force it into their lives. The Iraqis have been in this culture of civil war for thousands of years, and we cannot step in and judge them by our standards. However, we cannot just get up and walk out now, because that would bring even more violence and discord than before we stepped in. It will take many years for the United States to get out of this problem.

Welfare:

There are too many leeches ruining a program with inherently good intentions. Why don't we put mor money into comprehensive sex education so people will stop having so many children? One of the biggest reasons for poverty is overpopulation. Welfare is just another way for the government to get bigger and bigger so it can take more of our money and more of our rights.

Wiretapping:

"Those who sacrifice liberty for security deserve neither." -Benjamin Franklin

If you get a chance, fill it out! And if you're old enough to vote next November...I better see you on line to pull that lever in the voting booth!!

What the hell?! Earlier that day he e-mailed me, telling me to call him.. too bad I didn't even get the e-mail until AFTER he threatend to kill himself. My heart is breaking, because I love him, and I know he loves me.

We've been through so much crap. He's put me through so much crap. Last year he got in a fight that wound up putting him in the emergency room and getting 22 stiches. That was the first time I got a panic attack. Everyone thought he was abusing me after that.

Then, later that year he got suspended after he 'threatened' a student- he didn't really. Everyone was bothering me about it, trying to get into my personal life. And all they wanted was the gossip. They all said things like he was arrested and shit. And they mocked me and teased me about it, and I was completely freaking out. I am not proud to admit that was when I got into my cutting phase- a problem I have mostly gotten over.

Then he started claiming that I was cold and distant, and never had any time for him. Well maybe I really don't have time! My parents are divorced, and they both try to pull me in opposite directions. I'm with my Dad on Sundays and Mondays(the custody arrangment is odd) and he says those days are 'his time' and I should spend those days compleatly with him. He says I'm with my Mom every other day of the week, and schedule time with my boyfriend/friends then. But I work Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.. and as I work with my Dad, he gets to see me much more than my Mom does. They both complain that I'm never around and spend too much time away.

And it's not like I can quit working so much. My check goes to help my Mom pay the rent. If not for me and my Dad's child support, she wouldn't make it at all. My Dad is trying to get me to stay at home and go to a local college so he can still claim me on taxes and keep paying Mom child support.

But what about me? What about my life? What about what I want to do?

Man, that rant was all over the place.

*hugs a lot*

That being said, I'll try anyway. As to your bf, I thought about suicide in middle school... No one noticed. If it hadn't been for one long emotional talk, I'd probably be dead right now. So what I'm saying is, get him help. However you can. Because all it takes is the actions of one person to save a life. As to your parents... I don't know what to say, except that if you ever need to laugh, cry, scream, I'm here for you. *hugs*

WHY DOES MY MOM ALWAYS ASSUME I HAVE NOTHING SOCIAL TO DO AND CAN AUTOMATICALLY DO EVERYTHING SHE WANTS ME TO DO???!!

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>O

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She wanted me to go visit family ALL day on Saturday and Sunday next weekend....but she doesn't understand that I already had plans.

Good thing we discussed it more right now....or I'd be more pissed. >(

I'm still not sure about Saturday...

It cut me real deep, and it unleased a lot from me, and I'm sort of glad.

I've realized how sad I really am about the move, and how much I miss Cress and Summer.

I've realized that this place is going all over the place and that we're all getting a little too close.

I've realized that I want to take my dreams into overdrive.

I'm going to throw myself into work and singing and acting and writing.

I'll probably stop doing so much fanfiction and start an original novel. An actually book.

I'm going to work as hard as possible to get toward what I want for my future.

I'm going to do it.

I'm going to stop pretending that I can know everything and JUST DO IT.

I'm going to be famous one day. I'm going to.

I'm going to.

I'm going to get some money so I can help pay for things.

I'm going to grow up.

Mel, ever though you may not read this, I want to thank you.

I may be being melodramatic, I don't know, but I do know what I want, and if I spend all of my time here, when I could do something productive, I won't get there. >:(

I'll just tone down my time here... a lot.

Sorry.

And, I'm going to write an apology letter to Sae and Swift. Because, I need to. >:(

And, I can't believe I've been so stupid...

Forever yours,

Faba

Elfy. D: *hugs*

But, I really was serious.

I might lurk, possibly, but I need to seriously do all that I said. :)

Don't worry about me.

I'm not suicidal. I'm not.

And, one day, if I do write a book or star in a musical... I might come back here and tell all about it, even if no one's here.

*hugs more*

I'll show up every so often, possibly.

I can't believe I just did that. I should have calmed down first.

Now I feel stupid.

But, I was serious.

Just a little frazzled.

Sorry.

EDIT: Now, I'm beginning to think that I really am bipolar.

(and I also sent that sorry PM to the both of them)

*huggles*

And, one day, if I do write a book or star in a musical... I might come back here and tell all about it, even if no one's here.

That'll be a great day. :D

Dittos.

The thing about Rafter is- okay, first off.

The reason why I like all of you guys so much, is you're open to almost anything, and you've always been that way. I could say, 'I enjoy being a pologimist incestuous cannibalized lesbian.' And it'd make sense to you all. Going back to what Dy said, this is a recreational forum.

Which brings us to the definition of 'Forum.' A forum is a place where people with common interests can come and talk about them. We are in the WICKED forum! So when you want to be mean, just think:

"WWED?"

In translation: What would Elphaba do? =-D

...

Actually, now that I think about it, Elphaba probably wouldn't have been very tolerant either. (Especially with the Grammar thing!! Jk, jk...) So, 'WWGD?' I mean, Elphaba was werid/a loser and no body liked her, but Galinda learned to accept Elphaba, and they ended up being the Bestest friends there every was!!!

...

Furthermore, on to Rafter/ Sae. Rafter, just wasn't someone that I think really connected well with us. I don't mean to be mean, but really, I didn't feel much at home with her like I was supposed to. I mean, I feel like your family. =D

Sae, was different. She really insulted me, and I never really felt like I should forgive her.

I'm sorry, but that was too personal.

And, Rafter ASKED for help on her grammar. She asked. And really, It was starting to get on my nerves. I'm a total grammar nazi, and that's part of the reason I think I like this forum so much.

Everyonehasgoodgrammar.

Mel, I agree with you, and I'm sorry you are leaving- you too Faba.

I feel like singing goodbye love. The part with Collins:

I can't believe this family must die...

I can't believe this is good bye...

Cereally, you guys. This is sad.

*sniffles.*

Anyway, I'm still ambiguous about it. Seriously, I don't care.

There is a lot more I can say about that, but oh well.

=D

I think my rant is actually in the Bye thread.. Sorry about that.

Actually, this post is pointless. Ditto what Zarri said.

=D Yay!

Which meant I had an awful long time to think and stew, and that is never good, becasue that makes me all emo and angsty and crap.

And the main cause of my angsty-ness happens to be my sexuality, and the fact that lately I've been drawling people to me like cats to catnip.

Let's see. I've been with my boyfriend for sixteen months. Let's call him Boq, becasue he really does remind me of Boq (good, because I do love Boq). Well, Boq and I have had some major problems in our relataionship- not so much problems with us as problems with the world. He's gotten into some fights at school, which led to people thinking he's abusing me. Once, when he got suspended, people were all 'Ooh, where's Boq? Get in another fight, Tiggy?' and none of them cared. They just wanted to harass me. And do to Boq's protectiveness of me, he got into issues with people.. it was just bad.

And then, I just had to develope a mild crush on my female best friend... let's call her Elphie. Which completely bothered me because I had never had a crush on a girl I knew in real life, just like on actresses and stuff. I wanted to tell her, but that scared me to death. I didn't want to change anything about our relationship, and because she is completely straight, I know we wouldn't be together or anything. I don't think our friendship would be able to stay the same if I told her, and I don't want to put her in that position, and I don't want to hurt our friendship first and foremost. But I still have a crush on her!

Now let's chat about another female friend of mine... Well, I'll continue with the theme and call her Nessa(she and Elphie are not sisters!). Now Nessa and I have had some ups and downs. She's a little bitchy, but she's completely protective of me, and pretty much always sweet to me. She is bisexual, and has a long-term boyfrined, but once told another friend of mine she has a major crush on me. And one day, when Boq and I were fighting, and I was crying, she kissed me right on the mouth, and just walked away, like nothing had happened. Sometimes when me and my friends are hanging out, even in front of Boq, she'll do something like sit down on my lap or something. Which wouldn't bother me is I didn't know what she meant by it!

And(nope, I'm still not done).. then we get to the next part of the equation. Let's call this one Fiyero, because he has pretty blue eyes. Well, Fiyero and I work together. And while he's generally nice to everyone, he's always all over me. Not like sexually, but he's always volunteering to take care of one of my customers, he'll always be the first one to help me. Like he won't let me carry anthing heavy or anything. I don't know if he's just the classic 'nice guy' or if he likes me or what, but I really, really think he likes me.

So the question becomes, what do I do? Did I forget to mention, that I'm not exactly out? The only person who knows I'm bi in this situation is Nessa. My parents don't know. I would be really really harassed due to the small, conservative town I live in. And I don't even think I want to leave Boq! I've thought about it, but even though he puts me through so much shit, I can't imagine my life without him...

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