Cleaveland: It's a good thing you had so many blow-up dolls Qua...Quagmire

Quagmire: Careful...the tiniest prick will pop these things...Giggity

From the Christmas episode

Quagmire: Hey, maybe we should set him up with another lemon snow cone.

Peter: No thanks. The last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all. It tasted like... Oh, you guys are asses!

Quagmire: You should have sex with that crossing guard even though she looked young and then I found out she was twelve...I mean you should get an eyepatch.

Joe: Eyepatch'd be cool...

Quagmire is in the mall and sees a very attractive woman passed out. He rushes over to her and then starts pressing on her boobs and putting his mouth to her mouth.

Random woman who witnessed Quagmire's heroism: Thank God you know CPR.

Quagmire: What the hell's CPR?

Brian: Hey Quagmire, isn't there an O in country?

Quagmire: Nope.

Peter: The fence... the cripple's natural enemy.

When they were being chased by Joe.

Quagmire: I smuggled whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus.

Peter: Quaqmire, fireworks aren't illegal here, you could have just put them in your car and driven them here.

Quagmire: Oh, yeah, that's just as fun.

Quagmire:

"And when he woke up in the morning, she was still in his bed! AAAAAAHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!!"

Chris:

"That's it?"

Quagmire:

"Yeah. Then she wanted to make him eggs! AAAAAHHHH!!!! AHHHH!!!

But he said I don't have time, I have a meeting at 12:30

And she said I'll drive you there! AAAAHH!!!

And he said no, no, It's at my office, it's like a half hour commute

And she said I don't mind, it's on the way to my kid's preschool! AAAAHHH! AHHHH! AAHHHH!!!!"

And that is Quagmire's scary story. XDDD

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