Because I like jokes -- clean, dirty, witty or lame. Share them here, people, no matter how risque!

Because of the above, the easily offended might want to read this thread squinting, just in case. Don't say, I didn't warn you!

Here's one I haven't told before:

There was a man who chronically suspected his wife of infidelity. He never could put a finger on it, but something always seemed wrong. So, one morning, he decided to follow up on his instincts.

He pretended to leave for work, then turned around and went back to his apartment about half an hour later. He rang the bell, and after a delay, his wife buzzed him into the lobby of his apartment building. As he was climbing the stairs, he met his next-door neighbor coming down. The young man looked flustered and was adjusting his tie and zipping up as he went.

'Aha!' thought the outraged husband, and hurried to his apartment to find his wife in a sexy negligee she hadn't been wearing when he left, holding a drink.

"You hussy!" he shouted. Just then, he looked out the kitchen window and saw his neighbor on the sidewalk. In a fit of rage, he grabbed his refrigerator and wrestled it out the window.

"Oh, no!" screamed his wife. "You've made a horrible mistake!"

But it was too late -- the man felt a stabbing pain in his chest and lost consiousness.

*cut scene to the Pearly Gates*

St. Peter was greeting the new arriving souls. "Tell me, young man" he said to the first person in line, "how did you come to be here?"

"I'm not sure, St. Peter," the man said, scratching his head. "I overslept this morning because my alarm clock didn't go off. I threw on some clothing and passed my next-door neighbor on the stairs. No sooner had I hit the sidewalk, when -- wham! -- a refrigerator landed on me, and here I am."

"You seem to be blameless," pronounced St. Peter. "Come inside."

The next man in line was weeping and wringing his hands. "Oh, St. Peter," he wailed. "I was a sinner in life. I doubted my wife. I let my jealousy and anger get the best of me, and as a result I caused the death of this innocent young man you just saw. Please forgive me!"

"Yes, you have sinned," said St. Peter. "But you have repented and learned your lesson. Come inside."

The third man in line had been fidgeting and looking around nervously the whole time the previous two were telling their stories. "Well, you see, St. Peter," he began, "I was sitting in this refrigerator . . ."

Apropos of a discussion in the Tolkien thread, here's a joke about Jesus:

It's that classic scene in the gospel where they bring the woman taken in adultery before Jesus for his judgement. He utters his famous edict about how "He among us who is without sin, let him cast the first stone."

Everyone hangs back shamefaced until an old lady comes struggling through the crowd, lugging a huge rock. She hauls back and -- wham! -- squashes the adulteress dead.

Jesus lets out a waery sigh and says, "You know, Mother, sometimes you make my life very difficult."

Lol! those are good.

I was sent this one in an e-mail.

The Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years The wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes balistic,

"You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?"

The Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, if you explain the kids....."

We had a sad case here in Wisconsin last fall. Two guys from Chicago, both recent immigrants, one from Warsaw and one from Prague, decided to rent a cabin in the north woods to enjoy the autumn colors.

Well, their one-week vacation passed and they didn't return home, so friends contacted the local authorities. The sheriff and two of his deputies went out to check, a little worried, since both these men were city boys and not very experienced in wildlife safety. Unfortunately, they found their cabin with the front door broken down and claw-marks on the interior. Two large brown bears, a mated pair, were still rummaging through the remains of the garbage and the food in the kitchen.

The sheriff pulled out his gun and managed to kill the female bear. When they cut her open, they found the partly digested remains of the Pole. "We can go home and tell the friends that both of these men are dead," he told his deputies.

"How can we be sure?" he was asked. "We haven't seen hide nor hair of the other guy."

"That's pretty obvious," the sheriff replied. "The Czech is in the male."

Apropos of a discussion about verb tenses in another venue:

There was once a fellow who planned to visit Boston on some kind of business. Upon learning this, one of his colleagues said, "Dude, while you're in Boston, you really have to make sure you try the seafood. The city is known for it -- the scrod in particular."

"Do you have the names of any restaurants that have it?" the man asked.

"No," was the reply, "but I'm sure one of the locals can recommend one when you get there."

On his first evening in Boston, the man got into a cab and said, "Do you know where I can go to get scrod?"

The cabby looked at him and replied, "You know, buddy, I hear that question a lot in my line of work, and it's been put to me in a lot of ways. But this is the first time I've ever heard it phrased in the past pluperfect subjunctive!"

Um, I fear I did not get either the one with the Czech in the male bear, nor the latter one. :(

Whoops -- I need to explain some American idioms for the first one, which was really more of a pun. We have this saying, "the check is in the mail," to indicate why a bill is late being paid. And most of the time, the check isn't in the mail.

"Where do I go to get scrod?" would be "Where do I go to get screwed?" with a very arcane past participle.

Thank you for explaining - and sorry I did not get it. With things like that, my being ESL still shows, I fear. :(

The check-is-in-the-mail thing is pretty funny, though. :)

No idea where this should go, so I put it here. This was just send to me by a friend:

http://mine.icanhascheezburger.com/view.aspx?ciid=4080702

Enjoy! XD

An atheist, a priest, and a rabbi are sitting around a table, discussing their respective religions. Suddenly, a booming from from the sky rumbles, "Enough, enough! I've had it with your constant squabbling! I'm going to destroy the Earth in three days!" The three men are stunned, God has just appeared before them!

The atheist, miserable, goes to his atheist friends, and says, "I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that God does exist. The worse news is that He's destroying the planet in three days."

The priest, anxious, goes to his Catholic friends, and says, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is God exists! The bad news is that He's destroying the planet in three days."

The rabbi, elated, goes to his Jewish friends, and says, "I have good news and great news! The good news is God exists! The great news is, in three days, no more Palestine!"

LOL, Jebby!

Here's an oldie but a goodie that returned to me via a thirty year old Stephen King story:

There was a fellow who used to make his living playing the piano in a bar. Instead of having a hat for contributions and tips, he had a trained monkey that ran around and got the coins and the bills from the patrons. Well, one night, the monkey was being mischievous, and he ran up to a customer and urinated in the man's beer.

"Hey, buddy," said the outraged fellow, "do you know your monkey just peed in my drink?"

"No," said the piano player, "but if you hum a few bars I can fake it."

Didn't know where else to put a giant OMG! moment but here.

http://www.ohmibod.com/

Seriously. Probably not all that worksafe, but I require everyone (even you, Sir Dial-up!) to look at this. XD

If you really don't want to, Randy-luv, I'll tell you what it is... but it is one of those things better left for the eye to see. XD

O_o Damn -- I wish I'd thought of that! I'd be a millionaire!

And to the beat of the music!!!

LOL -- anyone up for The 1812 Overture? Beethoven's 9th? My Sharona?

I'm in a Sherlock Holmes mood:

Sherlock Holmes said to Dr Watson: 'I can tell you exactly what you've been doing today.' Watson said, 'That's incredible, Holmes. Tell me.' So Holmes said, 'You had egg and bacon for breakfast, read a book until 11 o'clock, had lunch in your favourite restaurant, walked in the park for almost two hours, then went home in a taxi.' Watson said, 'That's astounding, Holmes, how do you know?' Holmes said, 'I was with you all day'.

Dr Watson was walking down the stairs and Holmes said, 'Watson, I deduce that you are wearing nylon underpants.' 'You're right, Holmes,' exclaimed Watson. 'How the devil do you know?' 'Elementary, my dear Watson,' replied Holmes. 'You've forgotten to put your trousers on.'

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent."

One day, Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were doing their usual investigative business, when they uncovered an unusual painting.

At first glance, it looked like a picture of normal oak tree, in the middle of a wilderness, but if one looked closer, one could see that it was a remarkable painting. The tree trunk was actually made of fire, and its branches were made of ice, clouds and earth.

"What is it, Holmes?" asked Watson in awe.

"It's an Element tree, my dear Watson," replied Holmes.

Sorry about that. :p

I do like the last one.

You mean where I say, "Sorry about that?" XD

"It's an Element tree, my dear Watson," replied Holmes.

ROFLMAO! That's one I haven't heard before.

You mean where I say, "Sorry about that?" XD

No, this one:

"It's an Element tree, my dear Watson," replied Holmes.

This really messed with my head. If you stare at the picture long enough you can see the profile of Sarah Palin. It helps to blur your eyes a little.

http://kuvaton.com/kuvei/mindfuck.gif

LOL You got me. I was looking on the walls for one of those Virgin Mary in plaster images.

If you stare at the picture long enough you can see the profile of Sarah Palin. It helps to blur your eyes a little.

As with anything having to do with Sarah Palin, it helps to blur both your eyes and your mind -- preferably with an entire bottle of your favorite alcoholic beverage.

O_o

Glad I clicked on that URL in the bright light of day.

A man is in deep trouble if a woman looks at his member and says, "Oh, how cute!"

XD

::EDIT::

Didn't see the first post. ^^'

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