Hey peoplez!

Ok first if you're wondering whats with the pen name I have four aliases: Holly (guess where that came from), Bridget (Bridget is my "character", sort of an alternate identity kind of thing, hard to explain), peppermintgirl (from the time I ate twenty-something altoids at once yum yum!) and artemisfowlobsessed (see my web site www.artemisfowlobsessed.com ) so yup

By the way, if you want something cool go to www.michaellondra.com and listen to a sample of the song called Artemis! Michael Londra is a singer and friend of Eoin Colfer and he's really good! Also if you like the song and want to hear the rest, it is on my site.

ATTENTION EVERYONE:

I am officially starting an I Hate Minerva club. If you are at all interested in helping, joining, or otherwise, or are even just curious, PM me and I'll be glad to answer your questions. I will also be happy to let you know when the club's actually up so that you can join if you want to. Again, PM me and let me know so I can put you on my list. I'll likely PM everyone who has me on author alert, and probably most of the people who have my A/H stories on alert as well, so if you fit in that category, PM me if you DON'T want me to let you know. And please spread the word! Thanks, guys!

If someone has autism, this can mean:

Their brain works differently than others'. They don't understand facial expressions and emotions, and have a hard time showingtheir own emotions. Other people’s emotions confuse and upset them.

They have some trouble understanding language and instruction...sometimes we have to talk to them like they are younger than they are. They often seem not to be listening to us when we talk to them.

Everything stresses them out (trying to look at people’s eyes, changes in routine and schedule, doing unfamiliar activities) and so they try to stop the stress by trying to be in control of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE around them. Sometimes they might seem rude or bad, but they are really just struggling to understand things around them.

Eventheir own family can have trouble helping them sometimes, but you can help by:

--talking to them using a calm voice

--not making fun of them or teasing them

--realizing that people do their best to help him be calm and do well

--making sure you have their attention before you tell them something

Some of the symptoms or effects of autism can be:

--normal teaching methods don't work

--inappropriate laughing and giggling

--crying or tantrum

--acts as if s/he is deaf

--no fear of real dangers

--is upset by changes in routine or other things

--spins objects or own body

--extreme distress for no known reason

--sustained odd play

--has trouble playing with peers

--not cuddly; might resist touch

--little or no eye contact

--seems standoffish

--inappropriate attachment to objects

--may have trouble understanding language

--sometimes seems overactive, sometimes overly quiet

Copy this into your profile if you know someone with autism, or if you just want to spread the awareness.

Good fanfic authors:

TimeTurner Alchemist

The Maxwell-Yuy Siblings

Favorite fanfics:

Artemis Fowl and the Hostage Situations (see http://criminality.popullus.net)

Artemis and Holly (By Grace Alone)

Cooking With Artemis and Holly! (Ani May Queen)

Lots of others that I can't think of right now...

Good pairings:

Arty/Holly

Juliet/Mulch

Juliet/Trouble

Root/Vinyaya

Harry/Ginny

Ron/Hermione

Rosethorn/Crane

Lark/Niko (no, I'm NOT insane...it really is a good pairing! PM me if you agree so I know I'm not the only one)

Sandry/Briar

Tris/Briar

Semi-good pairings (I'll read them, but I don't like them as much)

Holly/Root

Holly/Foaly

Harry/Hermione

Pairings that are not worth ANYONE'S time and should be mauled by a troll:

Any and all slash (ESPECIALLY Artemis/Butler and Rosethorn/Lark...ICK (shivers))

Holly/Trouble (AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! (runs away screaming))

I forgot a big one here, that I can't believe I missed: HOLLY/BUTLER! BLECH! (chokes, vomits, and dies out of horror)

For anyone who's read The Lost Colony: Arty/Minerva! ICK!

Draco/Hermione (what under earth are you people THINKING! Are you INSANE!)

Pairings that are amusing, but will never happen:

Holly/Mulch

Butler/Frond

And the award for weirdest STRAIGHT pairing (this doesn't include pairings thought of by me, i.e. Butler/Frond) goes to...

Holly/Mulch (story: Toilet Paper: Can't Live Without It by Semine Midnight. link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2583536/1/)

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!

98 percent of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever run into a tree, copy this to your profile!

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile

If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile.

If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your profile

If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects copy this into your profile(Artemis Fowl)(Readers: No, really?)

My best friend is insane, if you agree or if you have an insane friendthan copy this to your profile

If you have ever had a crush on a fictional character, copy and paste this on your profile and add your penname and the name(s) of the characters you have crushed on: HollyluvsArty (Moony, Padfoot, Prongs, Artemis Fowl), hollybridgetpeppermint (ARTYARTYARTY!!!! And Holmes. And Ali (don't laugh!!! Stupid fangirl thingy...). And Peter Wimsey. And Albert Campion. And the Phantom. And...)

If you think that those stupid kids should just give that poor Trix rabbit some Trix, copy this into your profile.

92 percent of teenagers would die if Abercombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breath. Copy this into your profile if you'd be part of the 8 percent laughing your HEAD (I CHANGED THAT FROM A BAD WORD...) off.

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile. (OH YEAH!!! ALL THE TIME!!!)

If you're hyper, like being hyper, and are hyper all the time, COPY THIS INTO YOUR PROFILE! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! Yaaaaaaaaaay I am HYPEEEEEEER!!!!!!!!!

Admitting you are weird means you are normal. Saying that you are normal is odd. If you admit that you are weird and like it, copy this onto your profile.

If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer.

If you're stalking a fictional character copy this to your profile. (Artemis Fowl. Readers: No, really?)

If you can read this message, you are blessed because over two billion people in the world cannot read at all:

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty

uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal

pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a

rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't

mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the

olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer

be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl

mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed

ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas toghuht slpeling

was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!

If you could read that put it in your profile!

Favorite quotes:

"BANZAI!" --either me or my brother, don't remember which, during a conversation where I had a mental picture of Artemis jumping in to help in a fight and yelling "BANZAI!" (don't ask)

"Normal people are boring." --me

Butler: It's the end of the world! To the bomb shed!
Juliet: (shakes head) Emotional issues...
--A fanfic Jessica and I made up

"You know, right now I have the funny feeling that I'm normal." --A friend, when my other friend and I were discussing the ASL (Artemis Sign Language) that we made up

"Yay! I won! I feel like a three-year-old who just got a cookie!" --A different friend

"...because life is horrible and suicidal. And life being suicidal is really an oxymoron anyway. Just felt like saying that." --Same friend as above

"I'm sorry to say that you're completely human." --My version of an insult.

"That's because he's half troll!" --Me, when some people in Drama were discussing how tall somebody was

"You have to be edjumacated." --someone in my English class

"...those little Ethiopian boys from...um...wherever they're from..." --one of my friends, i forgot the context

"Back to what we call normal...if there is such a thing as normal." --Jessica, another friend...we get off topic a lot cause we're crazy and that's like our motto, we say it almost whenever we're going back to what we were saying before.

Me: (following aimlessly) Where are we going?
Diane (my friend): We're going to get your teeth so we can brush them.

--this was when we were on tour...she meant, "Let's go get your toothbrush so we can brush your teeth."

"We could just take our blouses off." --Diane. Again, we were on tour. Our uniforms for choir are a nightmare...blazer, white blouse, plaid skirt, red tie-thingy, pantyhose, and of course black shoes. And a matching scrunchie. Anywho, we were going out for ice cream after a concert and discussing how to look more normal so we wouldn't have to go out in public looking like people from a Catholic school (no offense to people who ARE from a Catholic school, but that's not how we want to look when we're not...ya know?) We were all sort of talking over her, so she said, "We can take our blazers off" a couple times but none of us answered her, and then she tried to say it again and came out with this. Of course, by then, we were ALL listening. ; )

(Talking about class plans for church activities)
Friend: I know! We can have some boys come and teach us how to do that thing where you stand on a board and go down a hill!
Other friend: Snowboarding?
Friend: No.
Me: Skateboarding?
Friend: Yeah, that.

My brother has this racecar set called "Revenge of the Mummy," which has an interactive mummy. When the car goes past it, its eyes light up and it talks. Often it will say something like, "Revenge!" or "I'll get you!" or "Who dares wake the mummy?" So one time my mum was taking a nap and she woke up. The mummy thing was lying in the floor and as she came downstairs she tripped over it and it said, "Who dares wake the mummy?"

I'm not suffering from insanity--I'm enjoying every minute of it.
--Someone's shirt

My cousins, uncle, aunt, and I were watching Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. None of my cousins had seen it before, so my uncle was trying to explain it...
Uncle: So Eragon...
Me: Aragorn.
Uncle: Whatever. Anyway, he's...
Later in the explanation...
Uncle: ...and that old guy, what's-his-name, Gandor or whatever...
Me: It's Gandalf! Gandalf!
Uncle: Gandalf then.
Pretty much the entire conversation went on like this. What I find amusing is that he knew the plot better than I did but either wasn't able or simply refused to keep the names straight!

Friend: I heard they were going to stop making pennies.
Me: Oh no! They can't do that!
Friend: Why?
Me: Because then no one will be lucky anymore!

Me: On the 13th of December, Saddam Hussein was found in a hole in a house. With him, he had 750'000 Us-Dollars and a beard...laughter
Later he and his lawyer denied this. A former Us-Solder said this too. more laughter
--I read this on 'Strange quotes from your day/week/month/year/life' thread on the AFC forums (by the way, for people who post(ed) there, had me laughing hysterically

Mr Elder: Here is chloraphome it is highly dangerous to inhale to much taps a cupboard filled with the stuff

Jo jo: What does it smell like?

Mr Elder: ... I don't actctually know... wait a minute.

Me after he has fainted: Call an ambulance
--again, 'Strange quotes from your day/week/month/year/life'

Friend: ...and I was using my stupid big comforter... (Complaining about being too hot the night before)
Me: Did you say your stupid big hamper?
Friend: No.
Me: ...or was it hamster?... (Hey, everyone's hard of hearing sometimes, right? Besides, the hamster thing was on purpose)

"(touch) AAAAAA! (lies smoking on the ground)" --Don't ask. It's from a fanfic that I planned out with a friend, but we never wrote it, and probably never will...maybe we will...hmm...dunno...

"Once around the earth, then straight back home. You hear me? I've got things planned tonight." --Curious George (okay, I saw it with my brothers. Once...twice. The little monkey is SO DANG CUTE!)

"IT'S THE PLUMBER! I'VE COME TO FIX THE SINK!" --a favorite joke (see below)

"WHERE'S THE HAMMER!" --another favorite joke (ditto)

"I bet you ten dollar something has happened to Ollie." --one more favorite joke (do I have to say it again?)

"Not to be used for the other use." --on a Japanese food processor (I think? Something like that, anyway)

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." --Groucho Marx

"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you." --I don't know, this is one of my friend's favorite quotes, and she told me about it, but I don't remember who said it

"Well, let's see. 'Fairy' is a general term, actually. There are many different fairies. I'm a fairy, elves are fairies, goblins are fairies, though they don't really count; they're more like stupid rocks with attitudes than fairies." --Defea (Artemis Fowl and the Hostage Situations, which is an AWESOME fic and go read it NOW!)

Just then she heard footsteps outside. She pulled away and looked outside.

“Someone’s coming,” she said, “quick, pretend we’re arguing.”

Lark peeked in. Rosethorn could make out the voices of Briar and the girls behind her.

Rosethorn gave a meaningful glance at Crane. He looked around wildly for a second then said, “Well, you’re stupid.”

“Your face is stupid!” Rosethorn retorted.

“Your butt is stupid!” Crane retaliated.

“My butt? My butt? My butt is stupid?” Rosethorn asked incredulously, “I have never been so insulted in my life! And you know what? Your hair, your hair is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen in my life!”

“My hair? Your hair is stupid, ugly, beautiful, horrible, silky, awful, gross, wonderful, slimy, and most of all stupid!” Crane obviously wasn’t aware of the other three words that happened to slip in; Lark luckily wasn’t either. Rosethorn, on the other hand, had and was grinning.

--a passage from "All Because of a Flower" which is a
really great fic and everyone should read it!

For the rest of the night and well into the morning, that is until Briar stumbled into the room, they talked.

His eyes were closed and he stumbled over to the cupboard and got a cup and filled it with water, then he glanced at Rosethorn, opening his eyes a crack, and proceeded out of this room with his cup of water.

There was a thud and then a splash. Briar ran back into the room.

He pointed wildly at Crane, “Rosethorn, there’s a dead body sitting next to you!”

Crane tried very hard to keep and straight face and succeeded.

“Nonsense, he’s not dead, what makes you think that?” Rosethorn told the boy.

“Lark! Rosethorn’s gone nuts! Crane’s dead body is sitting next to her and she is talking to it!” He shouted through out the house.

“I’m not dead,” Crane said.

“Ah! It can talk! What did you do to it Rosethorn?” Briar was going hysterical.

The girls and Lark entered the room.

“Hello Crane,” Lark said, “Crane!”

“I told you!” Briar said shaking Lark’s shoulders.

“There must be a sensible answer to this,” Sandry said in a not quite believing herself voice.

“I have the weirdest dreams,” Tris announced rubbing her eyes.

“You can say that again,” Daja agreed with Tris.

--another passage from "All Because of a Flower" which in case you missed
what I said before is a REALLY great fic and you should all go read it
right now!

Holly: (clutching head) Must... not... make... obvious statement about "fowl" play... AARGH! (crumples to ground, whimpering)

Artemis: (evil smile) Well, you see, the chicken's crossing the road was all part of the diabolical plan... (chair collapses in an anime-style dustcloud complete with a nice shot of his twitching feet) Holly: (innocently) Oops.

Foaly: Hey, it can't do that, it wasn't INVITED!

Commander Root: Stupid Mud Chicken.
(Nyghtvision: Oh, right. That's creative. (is bonked by some random object) Okay, I'll fall into a coma now...)

Butler: (grabs chicken) I'm not letting you cross the road by yourself. It's too dangerous.

Juliet: (blank) ... Chicken... What chicken?

Artemis: (watching it on vidscreen with traditional evil smile) That's it, chicken. Cross the road and into my little trap. (chair collapses again and he lands in another undignified heap with little stars floating around his head) Ee, sparkly flamingos!

Foaly: Its helmet must have been malfunctioning!

Holly: Perhaps its standard-issue wings weren't good enough.

Butler: Chicken, I can't pretend I know your reasons for doing this, but I just want you to know, I'm behind you every step of the way.

Chix Verbil: Those chicks just can't keep away. Chicks? Get it? Chicks? (is bonked by some random object from offscreen) Hey, can't I get a word in? (is bonked by another, larger, heavier object from offscreen) Honey, ease up on --- (is squashed by a large cast iron bathtub) I feel unloved.

Holly: I can't let the chicken get injured in line of duty! (dashes nobly out into traffic, grabs chicken from impending doom at the tires of an eighteen-wheeler, rolls off the edge of the road, and shields it with her body)

Juliet: What, are we still talking about chickens?

Artemis: (recovered somewhat) I think there's a website that has something to do with this. Anyone seen my laptop? Damn flamingos.

Artemis: The chicken must go. It's getting in the way of my intricate plans for world domination.

Commander Root: I could lend you a few squads to take care of the chicken. But I gotta warn you, it's like killing a mosquito with a machine gun.
Caspian Nyghtvision: (polishing machine gun offstage and admiring her new stuffed mosquito trophy) HEY! There's nothing wrong with that!

Mulch Diggums: (Yes, he had to be in here,at least once.) Because it couldn't tunnel underneath the road... duh.

Mulch Diggums: (drawing diagram that looks like several molting giant flamingos getting attacked by a swarm of mosquitoes) Okay, this is the road...
Root: You mean the noodle.
Mulch: No, if I had drawn a noodle, it would have looked like this. (draws a ball of yarn)
Root: That's a ball of yarn.
Mulch: ... It's a rare kind of Pakistani noodle. And this is the chicken... (points to giant molting flamingo)
Root: Are you sure that's not a flamingo?
Artemis: NEVER SAY THAT WORD IN MY PRESENCE!
Root: Which one -- are, you, sure, that's, not, or flamingo?
Artemis: AAAH! (rolls on the floor, clutching his head and fending off visions of vengeful flamingos)
Mulch: (completely oblivious) Then if you add the estimation of feather drag to the ratio of asphalt to tires, then you get this... (draws something that looks like... erm... a pack of vicious weasels getting eaten by flamingos while waiting in line at the supermarket because they didn't review Nyghtvision's fics) Then you can see why the chicken crossed the road. Comprende?

Artemis: (smirk) Because as soon as it crosses the road, I will not let it leave.

Holly: (leafing through her copy of the Book/Fairy Bible) There's no entry about this.

Chix: (miraculously resurrected) Cruisin' for chicks, yeah... They're always prettier on the other side of the road. (is hit by another cast-iron bathtub from above) Hey, hurt me all you like. I know and you know, deep down inside you love me. (is hit by two more cast-iron bathtubs and a cast-iron toilet for good measure)
(Nyghtvision: . Dammit Holly! Not the toilet! I needed that!)
(Holly: Didn't do it.)

Foaly: (bored shrug) Well, I suppose if you really wanted me to, I could analyze its brain wave patterns and detect why it desired to cross the road, but... not really worth the time.

Artemis: According to my calculations, the odds of it surviving are 42 to one against.

Holly: The chicken has to cross the road to renew its store of magic energy. Otherwise it'll run dry.

Butler: Damn chicken! It's got some kind of shielding device... The tires are just bouncing off it!

Holly: It was looking for an acorn...

Root: Hey, I don't care, if the mud chicken wants to commit suicide, I say let it.

Artemis: It wasn't a smart fowl. Unlike me.
Everyone else: (wincing and making "rim shot" gestures)

Grubb: MOMMY! THE CHICKEN IS COMING TO EAT ME!

Trouble Kelp: (offstage) I refuse to take part in this fic. This Nyghtvision woman is just too weird. (is shoved onstage) Uh, to get to the other side? (is eaten by giant flamingos) Ahh! The pain!

Caspian Nyghtvision: (dancing on the rooftop in her usual garb of lit, blinking Christmas tree lights and the Ancient One's Hat... erk, only Ronin Warrior people get that one, I think... and chowing down on random sugar-high foods) BECAUSE IT RAN OUT OF PIXI-STIX! MWA HA HA HA!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And the flamingos rejoiced.
--lines from "Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? Fowl Style" by Nyghtvision

"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." --Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation (There was a Dilbert Quotes contest in a magazine and this was one of the top ten. It was a real quote by a real person.)

"Stay back, human. You don't know what you're dealing with."
--Captain Holly Short (Artemis Fowl, page 74)

"Spit out the prisoner."
--LEP (Lower Elements Police) Officer (Artemis Fowl, page 167)

"That's right, Mud Boy. Playtime's over. Time for the professionals to take over. If you're a good boy I'll buy you a lollipop when I come back."
--Captain Holly Short (Artemis Fowl, pages 215 and 216

“I don’t like lollipops.” --Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, page 216) (Obviously, the last two quotes go together)

"Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist and that I am not a gibbering moron." --Artemis Fowl, pae 64

“I don’t want anyone else getting hurt today, not even Artemis Fowl.”
“Understood.”
“Well,” added the commander. “Not unless it’s absolutely necessary.”
--Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident, page 39

“So, all this time, you knew Mulch Diggums was alive?”
Holly nudged the starboard thruster to avoid a missile of half-melted rock.
“Not for sure. Foaly just had this theory.”
The commander wrung an imaginary neck. “Foaly! Why am I not surprised?”
Artemis smirked from his seat in the passenger area. “Now, you two, we need to work together as a team.”
--Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident, page 181

“Butler,” rasped Artemis, with the absolute last ounce of his strength. “Could someone spray me down? And then could we please go to Murmansk?”
Butler was mystified. “Spray? What spray?”
Holly unhooked the antirad foam canister, flipping the safety catch.
“Allow me,” she grinned. “It would be my pleasure.”
She directed a jet of foul-smelling foam at Artemis. In seconds he resembled a half-melted snowman. Holly laughed. Who said there were no perks in law enforcement?
--Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident, page 255

Artemis sat up. “Alchemy? You have alchemy vats?”
“Stop drooling, Mud Boy. They’re experimental. The ancient warlocks used to be able to turn lead into gold, according to the Book, but the secret was lost. Even Opal Koboi hasn’t managed it yet.”
“Oh,” said Artemis, disappointed.
--Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident, pages 176 and 177

Artemis peered at the shape in the hole.
“I think she’s awake…”
He was cut short by Captain Short’s sudden return to consciousness. She bolted upright, icicles coating her eyelashes and auburn hair. Her chest ballooned as she swallowed huge gulps of air.
Artemis grabbed her shoulders, for once abandoning his shell of icy composure. “Holly. Holly, speak to me. Your finger. Is it okay?”
Holly wiggled her fingers, then curled them into a fist.
“I think so,” she said, and whacked Artemis right between the eyes. The surprised boy landed in a snowdrift for the third time that day.
Holly winked at an amazed Butler.
“Now we’re even,” she said.
Commander Root didn’t have many treasured memories. But in future days, when things were at their grimmest, he would conjure up this moment and have a quiet chuckle.
--Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident, pages 154 and 155

He glanced up sharply when Holly entered through the pneumatic double doors.
“Anybody see you come in here?”
Holly thought about it.
“The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB.”
Foaly frowned. “The EIB?”
“Everyone in the building.” Holly smirked.
--Artemis Fowl, page 42

“Well, I suppose we’ll have to take our chances on foot. Butler, you’re the expert here, you take point. Captain Short, bring up the rear. Feel free to boot any human backside if it lags behind.”
Holly winked at Artemis. “No need to tell me twice, sir.”
“I’ll bet there isn’t,” grunted Root, with only the barest hint of a smile playing about his lips.
--Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident, page 119

“Clear,” she said into her microphone. “I’m going in. Foaly, have you got your ears on?”
“I’m right there with you, darlin’,” replied the centaur. “Unless you step on a land mine, in which case I’m way back in the Operations Room.”
--Artemis Fowl, page 265

Foaly was waiting at the pod. Serious though the situation was, he couldn’t resist an amused whinny at the sight of Root’s belly wobbling ever so slightly in his clinging jumpsuit.
“Are you sure about this, commander? Generally we allow only one passenger per pod.”
“What do you mean?” snarled Root. “There is only one…”
Then he caught Foaly’s meaningful glance at his stomach.
“Oh. Ha ha. Very amusing. Keep it up, Foaly. I have my limit, you know.”
--Artemis Fowl, page 87

"Shall I walk, or will you beam me up?"
--Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code)

"Nobody calls me an overdeveloped, signal-bell crow magnet!"
--Pex (Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code)

"Seven and a half hours to save the world. Isn't there some law that says we get at least twenty-four?"
--Captain Holly Short (Artemis Fowl: The Opal Deception)

'"It's Maria," said Artemis, then caught himself. "I mean, let us go. Maybe we'll have better luck at the next site."' --Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony

"I am either going to barf, or fall asleep, or both." --Mulch Diggums (Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony)

'Artemis must have had a secondary plan, that boy always did. Artemis wouldn't go to the bathroom without a backup.' --Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony

'"I am older and have more control over my empathy," said Qwan. "That's why I didn't throw up." And having said that, he threw up.' --Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony

'Who would want to rescue a golf bag? wondered No. 1' --Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony

'"He's crazy!" he gibbered, tumbling from the hatch of a titanium pod, which had been landed expertly on a flat patch not much bigger than a postage stamp. "The pixie is crazy! Give me your gun, Holly. I'm going to shoot him." --Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony

'"What's that even supposed to mean?" muttered No. 1 as he passed the sign. "A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight. Bring your own wolf." --Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony

'Butler glanced across at him from his perch on the knoll.
"How did that go?" he asked. "Your first lengthy conversation with a girl your own age?"
"Fabulous," said Artemis, voice dripping with sarcasm. "We're planning a June wedding."' --Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony

'Holly lowered her gun, resting a hand on her thigh.
"That must be it. Surely our troubles are over?"
Artemis felt the earth tilt a fraction below them. He dropped to one knee, laying the flat of his hands on the ground.
"I hate to say this, Holly, but I think we're sinking."' --Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony

'Foaly rolled his eyes. "Excuse me while I get a tissue. Honestly, I thought you demons were warlike and stoic. This little guy sounds like one of those cheap romance novels."
"The little guy who could fry your brain," Qwan reminded him.
"One of those cheap romance novels that I happen to adore," said Foaly, backing away slowly.' --Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony

"Enough!" Rosethorn's voice was a sandpaper-rough growl. "The next one who--who peers at me is going to die in a dreadful way! Either come in, or stay out!"
Daja blinked, then murmured, "Stay out!" and retreated.
Briar sighed. "Ah, the sweet birds of spring," he said blissfully. "I hear their glorious song." --Circle of Magic: Briar's Book

"Hey...my eyes aren't glistening with the ghost of my past!" --Harry Potter (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire movie)

"You tell those spiders, Ron!" --Harry Potter (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban movie)

"There she was, walking past...you know, I like it when they walk..." --Ron Weasley (Harry Potter and the Gobler of Fire movie)

Favorite jokes:

The Cow Joke:

Pretend you are a little boy on a stage and say:

The (pronounce it "thee") Cow.

The cow has four horns...(lean over and put your hand to your ear as though listening to someone off stage. After a moment, nod and look scared, but come back to your original position. Then say:)

The Cow.

The cow has two horns, three legs...(do the same thing as before, then say:)

The Cow

The cow has two horns, four legs, two tails...(once more lean over, etc., then say:)

The Cow

The cow has two horns, four legs, one tail, three noses...(look VERY scared and run off the stage, whine-yelling, "Mommy!")

Note: This is all approximate, you can adjust the numbers if you like, as long as they're wrong the first time and then right the other times...also, I may be missing something, because I haven't heard one told in a long time...)

Note 2: This remind you of anyone? (coughchokecoughGRUBchokechokecough)

The "Where's the Hammer?" Joke

This one is a true story.

My friend's mom (let's call her Anna, even though that's not her name) was trying to sleep. There were two construction workers on the houses to either side of her own, which made it difficult.

Just as she was dropping off to sleep, one of the workers bellowed, "WHERE'S THE HAMMER?"

"WHAT?" the other hollered back.

"WHERE'S THE HAMMER?"

"WHAT?"

They continued like this for some time, but finally stopped, apparently giving up. Annasighed in relief and tried to go to sleep again. Just as she was dropping off once more, however...

"WHERE'S THE HAMMER?"

"WHAT?"

"WHERE'S THE HAMMER?"

"WHAT?"

They kept doing this over and over. Finally, exasperated, Anna stuck her head out the window and yelled "WHERE'S THE HAMMER!"

Both workers just stared at her.

The Ollie Joke

Act like you're very uneducated, so much you can barely talk. With complete seriousness (this will take some practice), say the following (it's spelled the best I can; it's like a different language!):

I have a sweet art. He name ah Ollie. Ollie comed to visit me one day. He comed across the rail road (yes, say it in two words) tracks. He comed in a orse and buggy. The train go toot toot. Ollie no hear the train. The train go bang bang. Ollie still no hear the train. The train go BANG BANG!

(point to random places in the room as you say the next part)

There Ollie arm. There Ollie other arm. There Ollie leg. There Ollie other leg.

(stop pointing. Make sure to keep a straight face as you say, completely serious:)

I bet you ten dollar (no, I did NOT leave off an 's') something has happened to Ollie.

Now, translated and without motions, it runs like this:

I have a sweetheart. His name is Ollie. Ollie came to visit me one day. He came across the railroad tracks. He came in a horse and buggy. The train whistled. Ollie didn't hear the train. The train went, "Bang, bang!" Ollie still didn't hear the train. The train went, "BANG! BANG!" There's Ollie's arm. There's Ollie's other arm. There's Ollie's leg. There's Ollie's other leg. I'll bet you ten dollars something has happened to Ollie.

Now do you get it? Ha ha...

And, last but not least...

The Plumber Joke:

Once there was a man who owned a parrot. He trained the parrot to say, "Who is it?" whenever someone knocked on the door. One day the man went out somewhere. Pretty soon there was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" said the parrot.

"It's the plumber. I've come to fix the sink," came the reply.

There was silence as the plumber waited for the door to open. Eventually he knocked again.

Not knowing anything else to say, the parrot asked again, "Who is it?"

The plumber said, a little louder, "It's the plumber! I'vecome to fix the sink!"

Silence again. Once more the plumber knocked.

"Who is it?"

"It's the plumber! I've come to fix the sink!"

Still no answer. The plumber knocked again.

"Who is it?"

"IT'S THE PLUMBER! I'VE COME TO FIX THE SINK!"

After a minute, the plumber knocked one last time.

"Who is it?" asked the parrot, at which point the plumber got so exasperated he fainted.

Later, the owner of the house came back. He looked at the stranger lying on his doorstep, shrugged, and stepped over him into the house.

"Who is it?" he asked the parrot, to which the bird replied, "It's the plumber. He's come to fix the sink."

Oh and for those of you who like my fics I have posted a HP one (surprise surprise! a fanfic that's not AF! readers: (gasp) ) Anyway, yup it's my version of the ending to the seventh book...surprisingly enough, it didn't quite come out the way I think book 7 should end (like I think Dumbledore and Sirius should come back) but oh well, close enough...)

If you have read Goodbyes by refloc...I wrote more of it and got refloc's permission (THANK YOU, REFLOC!) to put it on my site...so if you wanna see my bit of it, go to my home page.

Coming Soon:

Of Chaos, Escape Plans, and Telepathic Communication

Summary for you peoplez: Artemis, Holly, Violet, Klaus, Sunny (Series of Unfortunate Events), Harry, Ron, Hermione (Harry Potter...duh!), Nita, Kit (Young Wizards), and Bridget (my character, remember?) get letters and come to an academy together. Chaos, telepathic communication, and escape plans ensue.

Summary I'm probably going to really use: Artemis, Holly, Violet, Klaus, Sunny (Series of Unfortunate Events), Harry, Ron, Hermione (Harry Potter...duh!), Nita, Kit (Young Wizards), and Bridget (my character, remember?) get letters and come to an academy together. But when they discover a terrible secret, they must work together to escape, before it's too late...

Pairings in this story will be:
Artemis x Holly (duh!) and maybe Ron x Hermione, but probably just A x H...
Bolded statement above has changed. Instead, pairings will be: A x H, R x H, probably S x B, and maybe some N x K.

Ok new thing: I may be adding Circle of Magic characters to this story! Anywho so just be aware and those of you who read my sneak peek in ch. 5 of Now or Never it may have changed if I decide to add them, probably though I'll just add in later chapters...dunno...anywho yup!

Also...my homepage can also be viewed at www.artemisfowlobsessed.com now! YAY!

(Go to http://www.moosebutter.com/moosic/moosebutter_starwars.mp3 for a sample of some Star Wars fun. If you like it so much you wanna buy it, or to hear samples of some of their other songs, go to http://www.moosebutter.com/orders/index.php . Or, you can visit http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=884036331257700743foran idea of the group. Happy listening!

This has been Shameless Advertising.)

Anywho yup (I say that a lot)! BANZAI! Bye!