Ah, hello darlings. What are you doing here then?

You want to find out about me?

Oh how charming.

Name: Harriet Usher will do. I don't give out my real name online. It's a nice little penname, and I've gotten accustomed to it over time. Sometimes for the sake of brevity, I'm known as H. Usher, but t'is all one to me. I suppose you could also call me H.U. Or Hu. Hoo. Ooh, how lovely. Call me Hoo if you like. It sounds rather pleasant to mine ears.

Age: (smiles coyly) Oh you never ask a lady her age you know. T'isn't at all polite. Take a guess if you like, and perhaps if you get it right, I'll reward you with a sugar cookie. I'm more than ten and less than forty. There! You have thirty numbers to choose from. (Well, technically, twenty eight due to the fact I said less and more, thus clarifying that I am neither ten nor forty and... I should be quiet.)

Gender: Female darling, I should think that's obvious. Really, with the way I act, I'd have to be either female or a gay man. Yes, I'm rather camp, both online and in person. But you'll come to love me.

Likes: A positive cornucopia of things dear one! Oh... cornucopia. Lovely word, don't you think? I should try to use it more often in conversation. I have something of an obsession with vampires. If you check me out on Fictionpress (sister site to FanFiction if'n' ya didn't know) I'm in the middle of a rather long novel entitled The Vampire's Companion. I love to read as well- fantasy, romance, supernatural, comedy, historical, mystery, horror, thriller, and action/adventure are all amongst my great loves. I'll pick up a sci-fi story every once in a while, but it's not something I'm addicted to. I couldn't live without strawberry jam. It's not even that I need to eat it regularly, I just need to know it's there if I want it... neurotic? Moi? ... You're absolutely right actually. I love Blackadder, but I'm not quite as addicted to it. I love chocolate muffins but don't let myself have them too often. It's bad enough I'm positively atrocious at sport without adding an addiction to chocolate to the list of 'things that will make me fat.' There's something I love about playing cards. They're interesting. And like all authors, I live for praise and have to pretend to enjoy constructive criticism.

Hates: A good deal of things darling. I can't stand ugly things, and much the same for people with no fashion sense. Spiders terrify me beyond all capacity of speech and sophistication, and I end up reduced to a gibbering heap on the floor. I'll need to marry someone who isn't at all frightened of spiders you know. Just so I won't end up migrating to the kitchen when there's an arachnid in my bedroom. It irritates me when people have no sense of humour, and my rubik's cube is currently somewhere hidden on my desk beneath a pile of crud so I can't see it. I end up on the verge of tears because I can't do the darn thing. And I hate people who insult me, obviously. Whether by accident or design.

(eyes narrow into slits)

What did you just say about me darling?

(smashes bottle. advances on you.)

- Harriet Usher