Hi! My name's Remy, but I'm better known as Breezy. I've been writing on here for 2 years.
dude
I'm like ancient as far as FF goes.
I used to like TroyPay, but I'm Troyella now
as far as House goes
it is totally boss
seriously, best show ever.
Chameron owns
I just wish more people read my House FF "Watched" Hint Hint
as far as me reading other peoples stories goes
Don't count on it
seriously I prefer my books printed on actual paper
but I do occasionally read some stories
mostly oneshots because I have a sucky attention span
and I'm a beta reader, so I'll beta read.
Speaking of which
Whispers Of The Moon and DarkRose1928 are like unicorn fairy cakes
awesome
so read their stories
XOXO
-Remy
My favorite quotes everrr (all from the TV show House M.D.)...
CHASE: (After arguing with Foreman over blood clotting timetables) Hey Foreman, Yo Mamma's so fat when her beeper goes off people think she's backing up
(HOUSE, CAMERON, and FOREMAN stare at him like he's crazy)
X
HALLUCINATING PATIENT: (To House about a man she is seeing) Actually looks like you
HOUSE: Yeah, that's Grandpa House, tell him to call back on a landline. Receptions terrible in here
X
HOUSE: (To Wilson) My patient's talking to my Grandpa Walt
WILSON: You have a Grandpa Walt?
HOUSE: Nope
X
HOUSE: Chase loves me... and isn't Turkish (LMAO)
X
HOUSE: (To Cameron) Less lip, more whip. I only agreed to take this case because you said this mocha frapalicious would have whip on it.
X
CAMERON: (to House) You pulled my medical records!?
HOUSE: You coughed the other day, I was concerned
X
CAMERON: (Out of the blue to Chase) I think we should have sex
X
CAMERON: I'm uncomfortble about sex
CHASE: Well we don't have to talk about this...
CAMERON: Sex COULD kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dialate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires burts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like your lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. and it's messy, and if god hadn't made it UNBELIEVABLY fun, the human race would have died out eons ago.
(Chase is speechless)
CAMERON: Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm, did you know women can have an hour long orgasm?
(Foreman enters)
CAMERON: (like nothing has just happened) Hey Foreman, what's up?
X
CUDDY: You think I like the cameras? You think I want the whole world watching you check out my ass and question my wardrobe?
HOUSE: Would it be better if I checked out your wardrobe and questioned your ass?
X
CUDDY: A little part of me(House cuts her off)
HOUSE: There is no little part of you
X
KUTNER: (Referring to the cameras following them) are we going to be on TV?
HOUSE: I'm making a music video, come on a little faster, more energy
X
WILSON: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality
HOUSE: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain
X
HOUSE: (To Cameron) Uh-oh, what's going on?
CAMERON: Im recalibrating the centrifuge
HOUSE: Turn around
(Cameron turns to face House. It's obvious she's been crying)
HOUSE: It's a very sad thing, an un-calibrated cetrifuge. It makes me cry too.
X
WILSON: (To a camera crew filming a procedure at the hospital. Referring to House) Personally I think he was just tapping his foot and reaching for the toilet paper, obviously it was a witch hunt.
INTERVEIWER: You think they singled him out because...
WILSON: No, literally a witch hunt. Dr. House is a practicing Wiccan. It's a beautiful religion. It's very caring
X
THIRTEEN: Liver faliure plus heartblock could be a mitochondrial disorder
HOUSE: (to Kutner) Hey, say what she just said
KUTNER: (confused) liver faliure plus heartblock could be a mitochondrial disorder
HOUSE: Go look for signs of retinal degeneration
X
HOUSE: You know that toe, next to the big toe? Mines bigger than my big toe, is there any way to shorten it? Or make my big toe bigger, like a toegmentation?
X
HOUSE: (To Amber) Why do you hate drug addicts?
AMBER: Your situation is different. Your taking a necessary perscription...
HOUSE: I know, I'm fabulous
X
HOUSE: (Holding a wrapped box with a ribbon tied around it out to Thirteen) Pull my ribbon...if you know what I mean
THIRTEEN: A.C.E levels are too low for sarcoidosis (she pulls the ribbon on House's box)
HOUSE: That's not what I meant
X
HOUSE: You're wearing that shirt for somebody
WILSON: The health department, they frown on topless oncology
X
CAMERON: A spot on an x-ray doesn't necessarily mean that she's terminal
HOUSE I love children, so filled with hope
X
HOUSE: Put these up (he hands flyers to Kutner, Thirteen, and Taub)
KUTNER:(reading the flyer) Free Rottweiler puppies, please call after 11 PM and before 5 AM...is this Cameron's home number?
X
CAMERON: So it's okay to lie to house, but not to a patient?
CUDDY: Yep
X
CHASE: (Referring to his one nght stand with Cameron) Last night probably shouldn't happen again
CAMERON: Do you think I want it to?
CHASE: when two people have had sex, unless it sucks, if they can do it again, they will do it again. and thats when things get complicated. and it didn't suck
X
HOUSE: (To Kutner, Thirteen, and Taub after they've supposedly gotten Cameron fied) there's only one thing you can say to keep me from firing you.
THIRTEEN: Cameron wasn't fired, we-
HOUSE: Wrong
TAUB: You know?
KUTNER: We're still fired?
HOUSE: That should be a hint as to what your supposed to say
TAUB: We're sorry?
HOUSE: Wrong
KUTNER: I love you
HOUSE: (Pauses) Wrong
X
CAMERON: How would you describe my leadership skills?
HOUSE: Nonexistant. Otherwise excellent
X
HOUSE: (yelling at Wilson's door) I know your in there! I hear you caring!
X
CAMERON: You won't read your mail, but you'll open mine?
HOUSE: It said confidential, I wanted to know
X
CAMERON: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six foot long hose shoved into your large intestine?
HOUSE: No, but I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college
X
HOUSE: There's a bullet in his head.
CAMERON: He was shot?
HOUSE: No...somebody threw it at him
X
HOUSE: Is this an intervention? You're a little late since I'm not using drugs aymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics
X
CUDDY: (Referring to Chase and Cameron) They're sleeping together?!
HOUSE: If by sleeping together, you mean having sex in the janitor's closet
CUDDY: Here?!
HOUSE: No the janitor's closet at the local high school, go tigercats!
X
FOREMAN: Why would your mind go to abuse so fast?
HOUSE: Because I had a funny uncle
FOREMAN: You were abused?
HOUSE: What?! No, why does your mind go to that so fast? I just had a funny uncle, great stories, always filthy
X
HOUSE: (To Chase, Foreman, and Cameron who have just pulled an all-nighter) What have you been doing all night?
CAMERON: Jello shots and wild sex, what else?
X
HOUSE: (To Cameron and Chase) You two shower together?
CAMERON/CHASE: (At the same time) No!
HOUSE: Double negative, that's a yes
X
CAMERON: That's ridiculous, if menstruation is a sign of brain cancer then I should be on chemo right now
HOUSE: That's ridiculous... you're way too skinny to be menstruating.
X
CAMERON: Nice Cane
HOUSE: If I know what you mean
X
CAMERON: Are you okay?
HOUSE: I hurt my shoulder playing fantasy football
X
HOUSE: (About the girl Wilson is talking to) If he's not hitting that, why is she here?
CAMERON: Because I'm hitting that, and it's totally hot
X
HOUSE: (Having just forgotten Taub's name) Lesbian, find out if anybody on that bus was taken to different hospitals
THIRTEEN: He just forgot mine
HOUSE: No, Thirteen, I just wanted to call you a lesbian
THIRTEEN: I'm not a lesbian
HOUSE: I was rounding up, from 50 percent
X
CAMERON: Lovely, revenge as motive for success
CUDDY: Well, it doesn't have to be motive, but it sure tastes good
X
CAMERON: Your on his side?
CUDDY: Sides? This isn't dodgeball
X
HOUSE: You've been overly supportive this entire week. Either your hormonal or your guilt ridden. It's too early in the pregnancy for this to be hormonal
CUDDY: I'm not pregnant!
HOUSE: Then what did you do wrong?
CUDDY: He had Addison's. Your last patient. You were right. I gave him one shot of cortisol and he woke up like Rip Van Winkle
HOUSE: (Leans over to talk to Cuddy's stomach) Oh , your mommy's in such trouble. She's such a liar! That's why you don't have a Daddy!
X
CHASE: It's Tuesday
CAMERON: I know
CHASE: I like you
CAMERON: (Smiles) I know. See you next Tuesday
X
CHASE: (To House. It appears they are the only two in the room) Foreman's not going anywhere
HOUSE: He said that to you?
CHASE: He doesn't really want to leave. And you don't really want to let him. You'll cave just like you did with Cameron.
HOUSE: Foreman's not as easy as Cameron...but of course, who is?
(Shot moves to Cameron who is revealed to be sitting at a table in the room. She is glaring at House)
CAMERON: I'm in the room
X
HOUSE: (After listing off many of Amber's personality traits to Wilson) Oh my god...your sleeping with me
X
KUTNER: (To a patient) Congratulations on your wedding! (leans forward and whispers loudly) You have a rare and incurable degenerative disease
X
CUDDY: (About Cameron) She's not nearly as delightful as she thinks she is
X
CAMERON: Foreman's black
HOUSE:What? How long have you been sitting on this information?
X
CAMERON: So you always use a condom?
FOREMAN: Uhh, yeah
HOUSE: Brother's on the down low, got to
FOREMAN: I'm not ready for any Foreman juniors yet
CAMERON: (To House) You?
HOUSE: Working Girls, they're sticklers. You're not going to poll Chase?
CHASE: I'm not an idiot
HOUSE: Obviously not. Who doesn't sleep with a drugged out colleague when they have a chance
X
CAMERON: Black defendants are ten times more likely to get a death sentence than white
FOREMAN: Doesn't mean we need to get rid of the death penalty, We just need to kill more white people
X
CAMERON: (To a patients mother) I apologize if it looked like we weren't devoting our full attention to your daughter, but I assure you that we...
PATIENTS MOTHER: Oh, please. Save your pathetic insincerity for your boyfriend
HOUSE: You're wrong. She is, in fact, pathetically sincire
X
HOUSE: When did my signature get so girly?
CAMERON: I can explain...
HOUSE: See that "G", see how it makes a big loop on top? It doesn't even look like my handwriting. Think I have something? What's the differential diagnosis for writing "G"s like a junior high school girl.
X
WILSON: That was sensitive
HOUSE: You have pretty hair
X
CUDDY: (After House has told her she needs to sleep with Wilson) Wish I could help, but as administrator there are some people in accounting I'm scheduled to sleep with first
X
WILSON: (About Amber) maybe she's a little more...
CUDDY: Evil?
WILSON: Aggressive than you'd expect from me...
X
CUDDY: Your needs are going to feed her needs until all that's left is a Wilson chalk outline on the floor
X
CAMERON: (After House has said he wants to vacation in the Galapagos) and you're going to do what, relax?
HOUSE: Visiting family, my uncle's a giant turtle
X
CAMERON: He caught us with your hand up my shirt he has to have a reaction to that, think that's what the vacation is?
CHASE: (Sarcastically) Yes, the pain of losing you is obviously forcing him away
X
HOUSE: Did you just see a blonde guy with a pretentious accent?
AMBER: Can't see an accent
HOUSE: Good Point
X
HOUSE: (to Kutner when they all still had numbers) I fired you
KUTNER: (Wearing his number upside down) No You didn't
AMBER: He fired you, you're number six
KUTNER: No I'm not, I'm number nine
HOUSE: I approve of your shamelessness, you're still fired
X
HOUSE: (To Cameron) The blonde hair makes you look like a hooker, I like it.
X
HOUSE: (Standing outside Wilson's office door with Cuddy) HEY WILSON I'M GOING TO CUT A CRIPPLE'S EYE OUT, WANNA WATCH?
(Wilson opens his door and looks at House and Cuddy)
WILSON: Good Times
X
AMBER: Dr. Cuddy? I'm Amber Volakis, one of Dr. House's new fellows...
CUDDY: Sexual Harassment claims go through HR, stress-related leaves through worker's comp, and any accusations of criminal activity go directly to the Princeton-Plainsboro Police department.
X
CUDDY: Doctor's lounge is covered in mud
HOUSE: Thirteen and Cutthroat bitch had a disagreement and the cafeteria was all out of jell-o
CUDDY: There were pickaxes. Either you had them dig up a body, or your building a railroad
X
HOUSE: I noticed a trend, if no one does anything sick people often get sicker
X
THIRTEEN: Yeah I've been here 8 weeks because my subscription to masochism weekly ran out
X
TAUB: Tularemia
KUTNER: No you'd have to have rabbits
TAUB: True. Maybe a tick jumped from a rabbit onto one of these white fluffy alligators
X
HOUSE: Hypothetical situation, a woman drops something in public and instead of laughing it off she gets nervous and erratic
THIRTEEN: Maybe she's nervous because she didn't do her spelling homework (House stares at her) in my hypothetical she's 8
X
HOUSE: Don't go toward the light...you'll fall and break your hip
X
THIRTEEN: We should have him spend a night in the sleep lab and see if he gets a reflex erection
HOUSE: Confirmation is for wimps and altar boys! We don't need to wait for a reflex. If he can't get engorged the way god intended he can't get engorged (looks at Cameron)
CAMERON: I'm not showing him my boobs
HOUSE: Lack of response to your chest tells us nothing. Thirteen show him your...(Thirteen raises her eyebrows at him) I gotta find a decent set of knockers around here
CAMERON: Your Porn is in the second draw.
X
THIRTEEN: Why the bath?
HOUSE: Hypnosis gave me a nose-picker, smells set off hallucinations, sensory deprivation should get the brain into an alpha-theta phase. Did you see Altered States?
THIRTEEN: I don't think I was even born when that movie was out
HOUSE: Well then you're too young to be a doctor. That movie was released in 1980
THIRTEEN: That was twenty-eight years ago
HOUSE: No it wasn't, shut up
THIRTEEN: Did you just...forget what year it is?
HOUSE: No, I just remembered how old I am
X
THIRTEEN: We should say Goodbye
TAUB: She didn't even like us
KUTNER: We liked her
TAUB: Did we?
FOREMAN: We do now
TAUB: What do we say
KUTNER: We don't need to say anything
X
THIRTEEN: You are the champion of not dealing with your problems
HOUSE: My grandson gave me a mug that says that
X
HOUSE: I want joint custody
AMBER: Of Wilson?!
HOUSE: Unless we have another love child
X
WILSON: Where'd you get those keys?
HOUSE: Blew the Janitor
WILSON: What??
HOUSE: That's his name
WILSON: His name's Lou
HOUSE:...Owe him an apology
X
HOUSE: (To Cuddy) I know when my vicodin isn't vicodin, do you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control pills?
X
HOUSE: Look, there's Jesus! Better go tell the Romans.
X
FOREMAN: You hide drugs in a Lupus textbook?
HOUSE: It's never Lupus
X
CUDDY: Put down the syringe
HOUSE: I can outdraw you, mysterious stranger
X
FOREMAN: (About an extremely obese patient) He wants to be discharged
HOUSE: Oh right, places to go, people to eat.
X
CUDDY:Pay attention to me!
HOUSE: Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you
X
HOUSE: (To Cuddy) Bad news, estrogen is too high
CUDDY: No matter how many people you tell otherwise I am, and always have been, a woman
X
HOUSE: You don't have cancer
CUDDY: You don't have dwarfism
HOUSE: You have no proof of that
X
HOUSE: Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one
X
HOUSE: (To Foreman) Glad you're back. Cameron makes lousy coffee. I take mine black, the way I take my brain-damaged neurologists
X
CHASE: (To House, who is looking at toe tags of corpse's in the morgue) What are you doing?
HOUSE: I called my mom. She didn't pick up.
X
WILSON: You really don't need to know everything about everybody
HOUSE: I don't need to watch the O.C., but it makes me happy
X
CHASE: You're joking
HOUSE: Well hard not to- nothing funnier than cancer
X
HOUSE: There's a reason everybody lies...it works. It's what allows society to function, it's what separates man from beast.
WILSON: Oh, I thought that was our thumbs.
HOUSE: You know every place your mom's thumb has been
X
PATIENT'S WIFE: You got a big Keep Out sign stapled on your forehead
HOUSE: That explains it, I told them to put it on my door
X
HOUSE: You see, Kidneys don't wear watches. Sure gallbladders do, but it doesn't matter 'cause kidneys can't tell time
X
CHASE: How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?
HOUSE: I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life
X
FOREMAN: Ten year olds do not have heart attacks. It's gotta be a mistake
HOUSE: Right. The simplest explanation is she's a forty year old lying about her age. Maybe an actress trying to hang on
X
HOUSE: I like my leg, I've had it for as long as I can remember
X
HOUSE: (Closes the blinds in his office so he can't see Stacy. Turns and addresses Chase, Cameron, and Foreman who are staring) What? Mommy and Daddy are having a little fight, it doesn't mean we've stopped loving you. Now, go outside and play. Get Daddy some smokes and an arterial blood gas test
X
THIRTEEN: Merry Christmas, who's going to tell the patient she's dying?
X
HOUSE: (To Cameron about their young patient) and you stay away from the patient
CAMERON: What'd I do?
HOUSE: Oh well, you'd just get all warm and cuddly around the dying girl and insinuate yourself, end up in a custody battle.
X
CUDDY: You're actually talking about killing her
HOUSE: Just for a little while, I'll bring her right back.
CUDDY: Oh, well, in that case go ahead. Why are we even talking?
X
HOUSE: What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short shorts?
X
WILSON: (about the patient) Cameron's got him on dialysis and he's stable for the moment, unlike Cuddy who's suicidal
X
HOUSE: (Handing his cane to Amber) Hold my metaphor for a second?
X
CAMERON: I thought we were wearing the wrong shoes for cancer
HOUSE: We're wearing the wrong shoes for testicular cancer. They're perfect for lymphoma. Except Chase's-they're just goofy.
X
HOUSE: (about a patient's wife) Where is she?
CAMERON: She had to go to the bathroom.
HOUSE: I told you not to let her
CAMERON: What was I supposed to do, tie her up?
HOUSE: Why not? She likes that.
X
CAMERON: (about the patient) Why does she have a clean room in her home?
HOUSE: Heart Transplant- immune system's in the toilet. Mommy builds her angel a John Travolta quality bubble
FOREMAN: Six months after the transplant, she doesn't need to be confined to a clean room
HOUSE: Six months without putting out, Dr. Cuddy doesn't need to wear thong panties...but it's not our call
CUDDY: I was wondering when you'd get around to my panties
X
HOUSE: I need a lazer pointer
CAMERON: We don't have a lazer pointer
HOUSE: Well, why not? Who's going to take us seriously if we don't have a lazer pointer?
X
CAMERON: I can't do this (She leaves)
HOUSE: Drama Queen
X
HOUSE: (Screaming at Cuddy in a crowded conference room) YOU CAN'T STOP OUR LOVE!
X
HOUSE: (To Cameron, while high on anesthesia) You have pretty hair
X
CAMERON: Tritter released our bank accounts
HOUSE: Horrible, horrible news. Boy, I'm glad we didn't let that fester
X
CAMERON: House, I just heard that you apologized to Wilson
HOUSE: Detoxing. I didn't know what I was saying.
(Cameron hugs him)
HOUSE: Excuse me, I have to go to jail
X
HOUSE: It was an out patient procedure, I was curious
WILSON: Are you curious about heroin?
HOUSE: Not since last year's Christmas party
X
HOUSE: (Loudly to Cuddy) Panty Hamster get a spin on it's wheel?
X
HOUSE: Never is just reven spelled backwards
X
HOUSE: Ladies and gentlemen! I have nothing up my sleeves, nothing in my pocket...there is something in my pants but it's not going to help with this trick
X
PATIENT: Do people watch what they say around you?
FOREMAN: Why? Because I'm black?
PATIENT:No, because you're gay
X
THIRTEEN: I dropped a file House. I start bleeding from the eyes I'll make an appointment.
X
HOUSE: Did you give an angry Cuban my home number?
X
CUDDY: Two surgeries for multiple fractures and burns
HOUSE: I was thinking the broken bones are a response to a building falling on her head
X
CUDDY: Where did you come from?
HOUSE: Apes, if you believe in Democrats
X
HOUSE: (To Taub and the old applicant who have been fighting) That is just great!
OLD GUY: What is?
TAUB: Which one of us is?
HOUSE: Both of you, together. Fighting, passionate to prove the other one wrong. You couldn't care less about the patient, but it all works out the same.
AMBER: I hate Thirteen
HOUSE: Not as productively.
X
HOUSE: (Talking to Wilson, but changes the subject when he sees Cuddy approaching)-- The cutest little tennis outfit. My god, I thought I was going to have a heart attack! (To Cuddy) Oh my! I didn't see you there-that is so embarrassing...
CUDDY: How's your hooker doing?
HOUSE: Oh, sweet of you to ask, funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but hated having to screw people like that
X
HOUSE: The only reason not to update a photo for 20 odd years is if she's not talking to you, which would be interesting, or she's dead, which would also be interesting. (Thirteen looks away from him)...she's dead
THIRTEEN: So is Grover Cleveland
X
CUDDY: (Reading House's performance review) your attitude towards supervisory personnel is disrespectful and a disturbingly large proportion of your comments are racist or sexist
HOUSE: That top makes you look like an Afghani prostitute...would be an example of that
X
CAMERON: (talking about a patient) What about sex?
HOUSE: Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that.
CAMERON: I meant, maybe he has neurosyphilis
HOUSE: Heh, nice cover (he winks at her)
X
HOUSE: (To Cameron) perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-riding jeans are hot.
X
CHASE: It doesn't necessarily have to be that bad. If we exclude the night terrors it could be something systemic: his liver, kidneys, something outside the brain
HOUSE: Yes, feel free to exclude any symptom if it makes your life easier
X
RELIGIOUS GUY AT HOUSE'S DOOR: Have you heard the good news?
HOUSE: Miley Cyrus is playing a third night at the spectrum?
RGAHD:(holding up a book) Happiness is possible. Not just in this life, but in the next or-
HOUSE: Oh, you're selling religion, I'm sorry I bought some Islam yesterday.
X
AMBER: (To Wilson) have fun on your playdate, you have mommy's numbers right? (she leaves)
HOUSE: Daddy needs a drink
X
CAMERON: Brandon's not ready for surgery
HOUSE: OK, let's leave it a couple of weeks. He should be better by then. Oh wait, which way does time go?
X
HOUSE: See, this is why I don't waste money on shrinks, cause you give me all these really great insights for free
CUDDY: Shrink. If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for god's sake
X
HOUSE: (to Wilson after Vogler has said he has to fire a member of his team) I'm thinking I can convince Vogler it would be more cost efficient to keep all of them.
WILSON: Yeah, you should be able to pull that off. Most billionaires aren't very good with numbers.
HOUSE: It will be more cost efficient once I've grabbed Cameron's ass, called Foreman a spade, and Chase...well I can grab his ass too.
x
HOUSE: (To Kutner, Thirteen, Taub, and Foreman who have just entered his office) Yes?
KUTNER: You might want to turn off the TV
HOUSE: I'm multitasking. I'm also doing my taxes...and Cuddy
X
CAMERON: That's not necessarily bad news
FOREMAN: Do you ever watch "Gilligan's Island" reruns and really really think they're getting off the island this time.
X
CUDDY: (To House) I want to run something by you
HOUSE: (loudly) I will not have sex with you! Not again! Miserable, that first time. All that desperate, administrative need.
X
Cameron: (to a patient) I have fun!
CHASE: Yeah, she's got some scheduled for February
X
STACY: If Chase screwed up so badly, why didn't you fire him?
HOUSE: He has great hair
STACY: What are you hiding?
HOUSE: I'm gay. Oh! That's not what you meant. It does explain a lot though, no girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers...
X
HOUSE: Now you all have numbers, so we're going to do this alphabetically
X
WILSON: How'd you get here?
HOUSE: By osmosis
X
WILSON: (While he's operating the MRI machine for House to chek out his leg) House, this is god
HOUSE: Look, I'm a little busy right now =. Not supposed to talk during these things, got time Thursday?
WILSON: Let me check. Oh! I got a plague, what about Friday?
HOUSE: You'll have to check with Cameron
WILSON: Oh! Damn it! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm going to come up with a new answer this time.
(Cuddy bursts in)
CUDDY: House...
HOUSE: Quick God, smite the evil witch!
CUDDY: Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father?
HOUSE: God, why have you forsaken me!?
X
WILSON: (To House who has just taken his bagel) I wouldn't. Someone named 17 thinks there could be Listeria in the cream cheese.
HOUSE: 17's a stupid number
X
CAMERON: Depriving her of what little sleep she has, that's torture.
HOUSE: So is cutting people with knives. You can totally get away with that if you have a doctor's coat on
X
HOUSE: (To Foreman) Did you get a raise? 'cause then you're a whore. Or didn't you? then you're a stupid whore
X
HOUSE: (To his original 40 applicants) Who is this man? (no one answers) come on take a shot! I'm not gonna fire you every time you give a wrong answer.
23: Neville Chamberlain?
HOUSE: You're fired
X
HOUSE: number 10, you're fired
10: She told you?
HOUSE: Well it had to be someone who went to her home. Number 26 is half asleep, missed his afternoon nap- obviously he doesn't feel guilt. Number 2 is here on a visa, she can't jeopardize...
10: You can't know...
HOUSE: And...that chick (Amber) has been pointing at you since I walked in
X
HOUSE: If you're gonna try to take yourself out, why use electricity? You could eat a bullet, or jump off a building...
WILSON: I love the team thing, by the way
HOUSE:...or bury yourself alive in Cuddy's clevage
WILSON: Teamwork, collaboration, all for the better good
HOUSE: It would've been a suicidal gesture as opposed to an actual attempt
WILSON: Interestingly, the "rain in Spain" doesn't actually fall in the plain all that much
X
WILSON: Now would have been an excellent time to lie!
HOUSE: Hi, Greg House
X
KUTNER: (To a patient with mirror syndrome) you okay?
PATIENT: I'm not okay
AMBER: Which one of us is he mirroring?
KUTNER: Well, if it was you he'd be inflicting pain on someone else so...
X
HOUSE: (To Cole, on speaker phone. Thirteen, Kutner, Taub, Grumpy, Amber, and that old guy are also present) Dark religious Nut...
COLE: What did you call me?
HOUSE: I'm sorry, what do you want to be called this week?
COLE: Cole
HOUSE: Well, I'm never going to remember that. Take Bosley and the other visible minorities to the funeral home. The rest of you young, white people-the world is your oyster. An MRI with contrast, EEG, LP, and blood panel. And Angels, be careful
X
CUDDY: You want to induce a fever?
HOUSE: Unless you're willing to don a white T-shirt and hop into the hot tub with him I need another way to keep him warm or he dies
X
HOUSE: (To Kutner, Thirteen, Cole, Amber, and Taub) Bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy
(everyone stares at him in disbelief)
HOUSE: Not kidding
(they continue to stare)
HOUSE: Thong. Cuddy. Go.
(they look at Foreman)
FOREMAN: That's how I got hired
X
HOUSE: Oh god, does everything have to be about you? It's simple math. I'm not gonna back down, you're not gonna back down, Cuddy's not gonna back down. No one's gonna be happy here, and Cuddy's going to end up pregnant.
FOREMAN: What?!
HOUSE: Doesn't matter
X
PATIENT: Maybe purposelessness is my purpose.
AMBER: Mission accomplished
X
HOUSE: Thirteen (then to Cole who is standing in the doorway) Is your name Thirteen? (Cole leaves) Why did you volunteer to go streetwalking
THIRTEEN: I thought I could help that way
HOUSE: A black Mormon could help that way. There's no reason for you to want to be there
X
MIRROR PATIENT: (While Thirteen and House are in the room) This is so frustrating
THIRTEEN: (With a smirk to House) I don't think that's me
X
THIRTEEN: (about the mirror patient) nothing on the biopsy
HOUSE: And how is he?
THIRTEEN: His fever's at 106,
HOUSE: I know, but how is he? Is he bitter? Sexually frustrated?
THIRTEEN: He's delightful. Loves the smell of freshly baked rhubarb pie and isn't afraid to love. Also his rash is coming back
X
AMBER: Drug addicts use drugs is a stereotype? "Drugs are bad" is a stereotype? Losers lose is-
THIRTEEN: Malaria
X
HOUSE: Amber, please stand
AMBER: You didn't call me a bitch...is that bad?
X
CUDDY: You owe me 50 bucks
HOUSE: You owe me half a lap dance
X
HOUSE: I wanna hire 40 more fellows
CUDDY: You already fired the ones you hired?!
HOUSE: They work better when they're scared
X
HOUSE: If you keep thinking insane guys have hidden wisdom you're going to end up shooting somebody on a subway
X
WILSON: Why am I here?
HOUSE: Because I wanna ask you about your girlfriend. I must know who she is, or you would've told me her name
WILSON: She doesn't have a name, it's some sort of...birth defect
HOUSE: There's only 12 people we both know. I can't remember 5 of their names. So we're down to Cuddy, your ex-wives...
WILSON: Your mama
X
CUDDY: (To Cameron, Foreman, and Chase) Why is House driving a limo
FOREMAN: Don't know
CAMERON: Don't have to know
CHASE: Don't...care?
X
HOUSE: (To Cameron) stick to the filing sweetheart, let the doctors do the doctoring
X
TAUB: (About an actor on a TV show who House thinks is sick based on his speech patterns) Does sound a little forced...could be stiffening in his tongue, which is a symptom of mixadema
THIRTEEN: It's not the tongue, it's the dialogue. I think I dated that nurse though...
(House and Taub stare at her/the screen)
THIRTEEN: ...no
X
HOUSE: Foreman. Your girlfriend wants to know if you're available for Valentines. Act surprised. What are you doing down here?
FOREMAN: There's a snowstorm. ER's short staffed. We're all supposed to be here. You're supposed to be here. and you're an ass. Act surprised
X
HOUSE: What did the test results say?
FOREMAN: Never did it
HOUSE: Well then do it
FOREMAN: Can't
HOUSE: Why?
FOREMAN: She's gonna jump off the lobby balcony!
HOUSE: Do you think I can catch her?
X
CHASE: I'm sorry you're dying. I'm gonna hug you, anything to say?
HOUSE: Well if you're considering grabbing my ass- (Chase hugs him) don't start anything you can't finish
X
FOREMAN: We just told you you're not going to die! You should be making out with Cameron!
X
WILSON: Ah, yes if it isn't Dr. Ironside
HOUSE: Ah, if it isn't Dr."I had no friends when I was growing up so all I did was watch TV by myself which is why I can now make pop cultural references which no one understands but me"
WILSON: That's my name, don't wear it out
X
HOUSE: I told you never to call me when I'm on trial
X
FOREMAN: We've got to stop retracing our steps and get ahead of this thing
WILSON: House, you've tanned
X
CAMERON: What are you gonna do?
HOUSE: I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual.
X
HOUSE: (While discussing a patient with Foreman and Chase in the bathroom) Where's Cameron
FOREMAN: We're in the men's room
HOUSE: (Loudly) we need an allergy expert in here!
(Cameron hesitates, then enters the room)
CAMERON: This can wait two minutes
HOUSE: You don't know that
X
HOUSE: Where's Chase
CAMERON: Haven't seen him since you told him to sit on his ass yesterday
HOUSE: Interesting
X
HOUSE: This conversation is over because I've officially run out of clever things to call the guy
X
HOUSE: Was the ant big and red or small and black
FOREMAN: Medium and brown
HOUSE: Halle Berry brown or Beyonce brown?
CAMERON: Is there a difference?
HOUSE: (disgustedly) is there a difference
X
HOUSE: Foreman, you gotta steal this thing for me!
FOREMAN: Oh, let me ring up one of the homies
X
WOMAN: (Walks up to Cuddy and says without preface) I am not having an affair with my daughter's karate instructor and I did not give my husband herpes
CUDDY: (Grabs a passing nurse) Go find out where House is
X
HOUSE: You see that? they all think I'm a patient because of this cane
WILSON: Then why don't you put on a white coat like the rest of us?
HOUSE: I don't want them to think I'm a doctor
X
PATIENT'S SON: Is this a good hospital?
HOUSE: Depends what you mean by good...I like these chairs
X
TAUB: (About a man who has just lead House out of the room) Cop?
THIRTEEN: He's not packing
AMBER: (Accusingly) your dad's either a cop or a security gaurd
KUTNER: Or she carries a weapon
(Thirteen smiles)
X
CUDDY: Inspiring. If you don't want to work in your office, work in the clinic. If you don't want to work in the clinic, go home and don't get paid.
HOUSE:(Screaming while hitting his cane on the ground) ATTICA!, ATTICA!, ATTICA!, ATTICA!
(Cuddy stares)
HOUSE: Attica?
X
HOUSE: (To Cameron) You do know you can't really pierce me with your stares
X
CUDDY: (To House) I thought I knew all of your friend
X
FOREMAN: I assumed you took the father into consideration
HOUSE: What's that saying? When you assume you become a pain in the ass to me
X
HOUSE: Tonight
WILSON: What?
HOUSE: "L word" marathon
WILSON: You watch "The L word"?
HOUSE: On mute
X
THIRTEEN: Yes! They ignored you, they screwed up, and it's fun watching you spank them, but can we get back to the medicine?!
X
HOUSE: Unless Chase fell off his polo pony, he has no reason to be in the E.R.
x
HOUSE: Seizures are cool to watch, but boring to diagnose
X
FOREMAN: Whoa, whoa you think I'm sick?
HOUSE: I think that an appropriate response to watching your boss shoot a corpse is not to grin foolishly
X
PATIENT: I have a gift!
HOUSE: A gift is jewelry, socks- what you have is herpes encephalitis
X
WILSON: (To House who has been asked to help with a case by the CIA) They did a background check on you, they did a background test on your friends
HOUSE: Relax, I'm sure they already know you brought back heroin from Afghanistan
WILSON: That, that's not true! I've never been to Afghanistan!...House!
X
HOUSE: You do it both ways right?
THIRTEEN: (somewhat shocked) What?
HOUSE: the ultrasound, you do it standing up, lying down. (Thirteen stares at him) What else would I mean? (she continues to stare. House winks)
X
THIRTEEN: House wants us to spy on you, report back
CAMERON: And you're telling me this because...
KUTNER: We don't want to do it
CAMERON: I don't see a problem so far
TAUB: If our choice is between pissing House off and pissing you off, that's not much of a choice
CAMERON: So unless I give House cable, you're going to make my life miserable?
THIRTEEN: Yes
CAMERON: And you're telling me this so you won't feel as guilty when you do it. (Taub, Thirteen, and Kutner look away guiltily)
X
CHASE: Wanna go get drunk?
FOREMAN: No thanks, I've got paperwork
X
HOUSE: Cameron, what type of illnesses affect humans but not rats?
CAMERON: Why are you asking me that?
HOUSE: Because I'm sure you spent the first 12 years of your life dreaming of being a vet. The rat is not getting sick, Cameron is not getting sick!
CAMERON: Sorry...
HOUSE: It's okay, it's not your fault
X
FOREMAN'S DAD: My son says you're a manipulative bastard
HOUSE: It's just a pet name. I call him "Dr. Bling"
X
HOUSE: We're a bit of a specialized hospital. We generally only deal with patients when they're actually sick
X
CAMERON: This is a consent form to stick a wire into your brain. It's important for hospitals to get these signed for procedures that are completely unnecessary.
X
CAMERON: There's more to being a leader than being a jerk!
HOUSE: The world will never know
X
PATIENT:(hysterical) I don't know what the hell you're talking about! I had a seizure! I'm sick I need your help!
CAMERON: Not from this department. The half life of Ophanthim is 3 hours. After that you'll get your psych referral and your discharge papers
PATIENT: You know, just because you stick your fingers down your throat doesn't mean the rest of us are screwed up.
X
HOUSE: At the end of "the boy who cried wolf" the wolf really does come, and it eats the sheep, and the boy, and his parents
CHASE:(confused) The wolf doesn't eat the parents
HOUSE: It does when I tell it.
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