I won the award for "Most Adamant Updates" at the Hunchback of Notre Dame Awards! I hope to win more in the coming years! Until then, pleae read my stories!
Name: Alyssa
Eyes: Blue with Glasses
Hair: Blonde
Height: 5'6''
Country: USA
Age??
State:??
Favorite Actors: Jamie Foxx, Johnny Depp, Justin Long, Orlando Bloom, Johnathan Lipnicki, Freddie Highmore, Johnathan Rhys-Meyers, Jude Law, Jake Gyllenhall, Matt Damon, Heath Ledger, Daniel Radcliffe...
Least Favorite Actors: Jack Black, Jim Carrey, Russell Crowe
Favorite Actresses: Nicole Kidman, Natalie Portman, Halle Berry, Keira Knightly,
Least Favorite Actresses: Renne Zellwiger, Angelina Jolie, Gwentyh Paltrow
Favorite Shows: Lost, Pushing Daisies, Zoey 101, iCarly, The Apprentice, Survivor, Animal Precinct, Animal Cops: Detroit, Miami Animal Police, Avatar: The Last Airbender, The Tudors,
Hobbies: Browsing eBay, FanFiction, reading, writing, TV, computer, acting, singing, skiing, swimming, boogie-boarding
Stuff I collect: Snowglobes and Ornaments
Favorite Movies: Edward Scissorhands, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Treasure Planet, Anastasia, Quest for Camelot, Mulan, The Pebble and the Penguin, Moulin Rouge, Titanic, The Breakfast Club, Harry Potter, LOTR, The Brother's Grimm, The Day After Tommorow
Least Favorite Movies: Balls of Fury, The Last of the Mohicans, Master and Commander: The Far Side of The World
FAVORITE QUOTES!!
Me: I don't understand why we have to clear the yard of all leaves
Mom: Your dad cares for his yard like you do for FanFiction.
(while watching Flicka)
Main Character: YOU CAN'T TAKE FLICKA AWAY
Me (whispering to Amber): Wouldn't it be ironic if it started raining?
(it starts to rain)
I wish my lawn mower was emo so it would cut itself
My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in tin foil
Officer! I swear to drunk I'm not God!
Lupin: Who did you see on the map?
Harry: Peter Pettirgrew!
Lupin: That's impossible!
Me: Lupin needs to broaden his mind
(Divination class scene pops up)
Professor Trelawney: BROADEN YOUR MINDS
Siobhan: Yeah, Bobby got like a 100 on his AP Calc exam.
Me: Holy shit!
Siobhan: Yeah, I wanted to kidnap him and suck out his brains for a while there. Then I realized it would take too much time and effort
Me: Not with clorofoam!
Siobhan: You ARE evil!
Evan: Those commis took my pancreas!
Billy: Evan was shanked with a urine-soaked knife
Cal: What, you're going to him?
Rose: I'd rather be his whore than your wife
Quinn: Zoey is Chase's bestfriend
(Michael coughs)
Quinn: His FEMALE best friend
Logan: What about me?
Michael: You're my female best friend
Logan: You're diseased
Rose: Put your hands on me Jack
Mom: Alyssa! Put your boots in the basement!
Me: What about my boobs?
~~
(John Smith gets shot)
Me: OMG! POCAHONTAS TOUCHED HIS ASS!!
Jess: She did not!
Me: REWIND IT!
Jess (after rewinding): That was his hip!
Me: No, it was his ass!
Me: God, Pocahontas is quite flexible isn't she?
Shrek: Ogres don't celebrate Xmas. Ogres don't celebrate anything.
Me: HE'S A JAHOVAH WITNESS!!
Watson: We're just a bunch of squirrels gathering nuts
SpongeBob: Don't ever believe in comic book ads Patrick. I once bought a pair of X-ray glasses and I tried to see through skin. Instead it only worked on clothes
Spongebob: Patrick! My brain just hatched an idea!
Patrick: Lay it on me
(Nyquil commerical)
Lady: You'll sleep like you did BEFORE the rooster went blind
Me: If he was blind, technically wouldn't he be in darkness the whole time? And if so, wouldn't he be quiet
Dad: Only YOU would think of that, Alyssa
Mom: You should totally write to the marketing people
Watson: Nick, you're an ecological menace
Fanboy: Grounding me is like telling a pedophile he has to hang around a nursery school
Little Boy: I don't like girls either. Does that make me gay?
Larry: No
Little Girl: You were married to a lady before, does that make you half lesbian?
Tyler: Do we have sugar cubes?
Mom: No
Tyler: Then what are we gonna feed the reindeer?
Me: SPLENDA PACKETS!!
Kate: Welcome to the wonderful world of not knowing what the hell's going on
Max (whips out cell phone and holds near crotch): I got a phoner!
Auntie H: I named my dog "Brownie"
Me: He's a boy?
Auntie H: Yeah
Me: That makes him a transvestite dog then?
Random Pirate #1: Shoot him dead!
Random Pirate #2: Cut out his tongue!
Sparrow: Shoot him dead, then cut out his tongue then shoot the tongue pause And trim his beard!
Barbossa: There's not been a gathering like this in our lifetime
Sparrow: And I owe them all money
Sparrow: Yes, I lied to you. No, I don't love you. Of course it makes you look fat. No, I've never been to Brussels. I believe the word is pronounced 'egregious'. I've never met Pizarro, but I love his pies. And ladies, all this stands in utter insignificance in light of the fact that MY SHIP IS GONE! Scarlet and Giselle look at him and each slap him.
Monty Python: Are you suggesting that coconuts are migratory?
Lord of Swamp Castle: (looking out the window) One day, lad, all this will be yours!
Herbert: What, the curtains?
Lord: No, not the curtains!
Frenchman: I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Bedivere: How do you know she is a witch?
Mobman: She turned me into a newt!
Bedivere: A newt?
Mobman: Everyone stares at him. I got better.
Other Mobman: Burn her anyway!
Alexis: BEOWULF SCREWED ME!
(We all start laughing)
Alexis: I ment he scewed my paper! Ah crap!
(sometime later)
Alexis: Well, Beowulf didn't screw me as hard as I thought he did
Me (to my cat): Jasmine! Stop licking your uterus!
Me: I love Drarrys Draco/Harry or Harry/Draco
Mom: Oh, there's some cherries in the fridge if you want any
Me: Capn' Crunch tastes good on cereal
Announcer: We're part of the ADAA... The American Dodgeball Assosiation--of America!
White: At Global Gym, we're better than you, and we know it!
Patches: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!
Me: I can read your mind like a Harry Potter book!
DiLeo: Reset the fart!
Jenna: You sound like a dead dog dying
Tom: I never realized how racist chess was. The whites always go first!
Tyler: I just ass raped you with words!
Mike: I need some black crayons!
Jenna: All they have is white!
Mike: God, crayons are so racist!
Rheannonn: You know what my brothers figured out Dora the Explorer encourages?
Rachel: Illegal immigration?
Me: (laughs and turns beat red in the face)
Rheannonn: No! Suicide. Apparently she stood in front of a train and it only stopped when she ordered it to in Spanish. So if you say it in any other language you die.
Me: I see said the blind man
Harry: We've been going at it for hours! I need a rest!
Snape: The Dark Lord isn't resting
Barty Crouch Jr. (to Harry): I'll show you mine if you show me yours
Voldy: I can touch you now
Harry: There was a moment when Voldemort's wand and mine sort've... "connected"
Vehlmer: This is yo sho. YO MOMMA!!
Me: Why is Jasmine in that corner?
(Jasmine is my cat and is sitting with only her tail poking out behind a plant)
Dad: She probably feels like she's in the jungle
Jimmy (to Alexis): You've got a bony ass
BE NICE TO NERDS! CHANCES ARE YOU'LL END UP WORKING FOR ONE
Random person from Superbad: If a woman's ontop she can't get pregnant. Gravity goes into affect
Grandpa Simspon: I guess if you wanna kill someone around here you have to do it yourself.
Rory: Guys, look at Glenn. I had to tell him. He got fired from the Quick Mart.
Bartlebee:Why'd you get fired Glenn?
Glenn: Because I was making a shrimp slurpee
Bartlebee: That's disgusting! Why'd you even do that?
Glenn: Because I was hungry AND thirsty
Larry: You know what's gonna happen to me when I die, Chuck? My kids are gonna be shipped over to Bangladesh making sneakers for 6 cents an hour! And when you go to bed at night, they'll be tapping on your window with tears streaming down their faces.
Chuck: But how can they tap on my window in New York if they're in Bangladesh?
Catherine:I swear to you before God that I wasn't violated before going to your-
Henry 8th: SO YOUR AN FUCKING VIRGIN!! THATS NOT THE POINT!!
Little Kid: I WANT THE PUMPS
Angry Manager: Listen you! There are kids in Asia right now working in shoe factories just to get a bowl of rice on the table!
Me: Jimmy, truth or dare?
Jimmy: Dare
Anjelica: Run around the pool without your shirt!
Jimmy: No! (Jimmy's dad comes into the yard)
Jimmy: They're daring me to run around w/o a shirt on!
Jimmy's dad: As long as you don't run on the new grass, I don't care
Mark Ballas: The rumba is a vertical attraction for a horizontal desire.
Niel: Jimmy, that cold sore of yours is creeping me out!
Me: Why don't you take it off for him?
Me: I think Grover is an anorexic muppet
DiLeo: Go see if there's a hoe in your garage!
Me: I hate my handwriting. I like yours
Rachel: You're handwriting isn't bad.
Me: Yes it is! Yours is awesome. I'd buy it off eBay
Meghan: Billy! Give me back my waterbottle
(Billy gives it to her)
Meghan: I need to disinfect it! (she starts stroking it
the guys bury their face in their arms and laugh)
Billy (laughing): Meghan, stop it!
Meghan: What, it's all warm!
(guys continue to laugh)
Me: OH! I GET IT NOW!
Gary Oldman (to James Issacs): Have you noticed how long my wand is?
James Issacs: Yes, it expands in the warm, doesn't it?
Dan R: What should I do about Equss?
Gary Oldman: You'll need to shave
Dan R: What, down there?
Gary Oldman: ESPECIALLY down there.
From the movie Transformers
Mom: You're all sweaty and dirty!
Sam: I'm a teenager!
Mom: Were you masterbating?
Sam: No mom! I dont masterbate!
Dad: It's a father and son thing!
Mom: Well you don't have to call it that if it makes you uncomfortable. You could call it "Sam's Happy Time"
Miles: Bros before hos!
Random dude: Epps! Where's your wallet?
Epps: My pocket!
RD: Which pocket?
Epps: My back pocket!
RD: You got 10 of em!
Epps: LEFT CHEEK! LEFT CHEEK!!
Now we continue back to the regular quotes
Bobby: You can't play Red Rover with Cars! The cars would always win!
Billy: Why does it smell like dead babies in here?
Me: Don't get your crotch in a tizzy
Me: It's an orgy of gayness
Hamlet: Are you saying I am easier to play than the flute?
William (my classmate): Who would want to play him?
Billy: This kid called me Linguni! WTF?
Random Kid: Why?
Billy: He thought I was the chef from Ratatouille
Random Kid in Hallway: My Advil! No my M&Ms! No my Skittles
Jen: MUAHAHAHAHAHA!! (she has the best maniacal laugh in the world)
Random Kid: Hey? Why's that freshman in a sophomore class?
Billy: Because he's a Froshmore.
Watson: Hey! Don't make fun of my rocks!
Debella: Load your life with lust
Charles: Excellent job, gentleman! Now we rape and sack!
Pippin: WHAT?!
Charles: Oh yes. It's required. We also must sing. That's absolutely essential.
Sam: How are we supposed to figure out the wet bulb temperature
Watson: You can wet it. Or I could wet it for you
Me: (goes beat red in face, for my mind dove into the deep end)
Debella: Have you ever been somewhere where something is just so good and it turns you on?
(She was talking about writing something. But my mind went into the perverted zone)
Pip: Look at me
Herbert: I do look at you my dear boy
Pip: Touch me
Herbert: I do touch you my dear boy
Me: What should we call our Family Feud Team?
Leah: I dunno
Me: OH! WE COULD BE THE TOFUNATORS!
Alina: Um, Alyssa?
Me: What?
(The kid who we call Tofu walks past)
Me: ... FUCK!!
Sports Announcer: A David and Goliath story truer than the Bible itself.
Tofu: Screw you!
Mrs. Q (my Spanish teacher who could barely speak English): I'm a gonna screw you!
(class bursts into laughter)
Sarah (to Teddy, who has his eye on those electric air matress pumps): WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Teddy (who has it turned on): I was trying to see if it blows or sucks
Dave: You do know in spoons you can take more than one and then chuck em across the room. That way people tackle each other
Chris: Really?
Dave: Yeah. That's why we don't play with knives
DiLeo: Who slapped my cahoochie?
Pippin : That's not fair! You're taking Lewis to fight!
Charles: Lewis is an ideal soldier. He is strong and stupid.
(Lewis grins, not getting that he's being insulted)
Leading Player: Enter Theo, a lovable boy and his lovable duck!
Theo (angrily): Hey Pippin! (stomps over) PIPPIN! Say hello to my duck!
Pippin: He--
Theo (cutting him off, still sounding pissed off): Guess his name
Pippin: Augustus?
Theo: WRONG! It's Otto. You're not very smart.
Pippin: I'm smart enough to know that a duck belongs in a pond and NOT in my bed!
(pause)
Theo: Bite me
Dolly Tate: Molest me, violate me, ravish me! I'm ready!
(flaunts chest)
Laura: Breasticles
Random person: Well if it isn't the Three Mustequeers
Me: You taking health next year? Because I only know a few people are
Portia: Uhm, I don't think so
Me: Dangit! I wish we didn't have to take the class to graduate! I already KNOW about the reproductive system. Penis plus vagina equals baby. Simple as that!
(after three months of waiting, we finally get our Earth Science Review Books)
Nick: I paid for a book with answers. This has more questions!
Brandon: Why is everyone coming at me?
Me: (grins pervertedly)
Watson: I think watches are obsolete. You know, I don't want some guy to be like "Give me your watch or I'll kill you." That's why I like cell phones
Me: But wouldn't a cell phone be more valuable that a watch?
Watson: But a cell phone has texting, email and a calender.
Me: ...
Charles: You know, sometimes I wonder if the forticading I'm getting is really worth the forticading I'm getting.
Watson: If you get caught in an avalanche, you better have Aflac or something
Announcer: King Charles the Great! Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire!
Charles: AND A GIANT IN THE BEDROOM!
Watson: If Billy just went crazy and started jumping of the counter (blah blah blah)
Billy: Can I demonstrate?
Watson: No. The counter doesn't want that
Random Lady: If you were my husband I'd poison you!
Winston Churchill: And if you were my wife I'd take it.
Watson: Sam if I told your mom you broke my rocks she'd go crazy
Random Lady: You sir are a drunk
Winston Churchill: Yes but tommrow I'll be sober and you'll still be ugly.
Christina: Does anyone have anything they'd like to read?
Rheannonn: I do.
Christina: Really? What is it?
Rheannonn: It's my orphan story
Me: YAY! I LOVE ORPHANS!
Niel: That's sick! Do you know how many people have to die to make one orphan?!
Me: No
Tyler: Why does Jasmine have two buttholes?
Me: She only has one. The other's her vagina
Tyler: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Brad: Welcome to the clan of the towel mormans
Jamie (from Big Fat Manifesto): Our school's liberalism doesn't extend to sucking face in public. Garwood has a zero tolerance policy on all things sex, sexual, or even remotely physical between males and famales. The way the ban's written, though two lesbians or two gay guys could go at it naked and technically, they wouldn't be breaking any rules at all.
Nick (from Prep): There's nothing more annoying than a girl whose life philosophy is based on the shape of her ass.
Nick (from Prep): Take the average pissed-off teenage guy, add a platinum card and workaholic parents, and put him in a city where every drink, drug and weapon can be delivered within the hour, and there's a good chance he'll end up like Greg or Derrick. Suburban kids just don't have the toys.
Watson: Well guys, I've got to shake and bake
Me: Mr. Watson was saying how he was his "favorite student" and he'd do "anything" for me!
Anjelica: BOW CHICKA WOW WOW!!
Mr. Watson (popping around corner): HI ALYSSA!
Me: (bursts into hysterical laughter and slides down locker onto floor. This was after school, so its okay)
Brandon: The odium of your presence causes children to cry
Me: The pairing Hagrid/Percy is like sending Michael Jackson on a Boy Scout camping trip; so wrong in so many ways
Debella: Do whatever you can to attract attention. But don't scratch yourself or pick your nose. That's just awkward
Jack: Mr. Watson, you should've chaperoned on the band trip!
Watson: I'd rather shoot myself
Meghan: I'm literally speechless
Brandon: Too bad that didn't happen often
Jack: OWNED!
Meghan: I saw "Sex in the City" last weekend and it was SOO good (blah blah blah)
Jack: You just wanted to have sex in the city. With Mr. Watson
Me: AHHHHHHHHHHH!! THAT'S SO WRONG!!
Rita Rudner: How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue, and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
Me: Up your ass, where it belongs
Ryan: PROOVE IT!
Me: It'll be hotter than sliced bread
Ali: WHAT?!
Me: What? What did I say?
Ali: I thought you said hotter than sex on bed!
Suki: Sorry warden, but you're my prisoner now!
Me: OH MY GOD!! ((I warp so many lines on TV shows))
~~~TREASURE PLANET QUOTES~~~
Mr. Arrow: Would you like to observe the launch, doctor?
Delbert: Would l? Does an active galactic nucleus
have superluminal jets?
Mr. Arrow: ...
Delbert: I'll follow you
Amelia: And, Doctor, again, with the greatest possible respect; ZIP YOUR HOWLING SCREAMER.
B.E.N: WAS I EVER DANCING WITH AN ANDROID NAMED LUPE?!
Scroop: Maybe your ears don't work so well
Jim: Yeah, too bad my nose works just fine
Amelia: Let me make this as monosyllabic as possible. I don't care much for the crew YOU hired. They're... how did I describe them Arrow? I said something rather good before coffee
Mr. Arrow: A ludicrous parcel of driveling galoots, ma'am
Amelia: There you go! Poetry!
Sarah: Delbert, will you please explain how ridiculous this is?
Delbert: It's totally preposterous. Traveling the galaxy alone.
Sarah: Now, at last we hear some sense!
Delbert: That's why I'm going with you
Sarah: DELBERT!!
Amelia: Doctor, to muse and blabber about a treasure map, in front of this paticular crew, demonstrates a level of ineptitude that borders on the level of imbecillic. And I mean that in a very caring way.
Silver: Love the outfit, Doc ((uses cyborg eye to scan. It keeps going around his crotch))
Delbert ((embarrassed and covers himself up)): Thank you. Love the eye
Silver: Morph! You jiggle-headed blob of mischief!
Silver: Ah, tis a great day for sailing Captain! And look at ya! You're as trim and as bonny as a sloop with new sails and a fresh coat of paint!
Amelia: You can keep that kind of flim-flammery for your spaceport floozies, Silver
Silver: Well, since the Captain has put you in my charge, like it or not I'll be pounding a few skills into that thick head of yours to keep you out of trouble
Jim: WHAT?
Silver: From now on, I'm not letting you out of me sight!
Jim: You can't do that--
Silver: You won't so much as eat, sleep, or scratch your bum without my saying-so!
Jim: Don't do me any favors!
Silver: Oh you can be sure of that lad, you can be sure of that
Arrow: All sails secured Captain!
Amelia: Good man! Now release them immediatley!
Amelia: Actually Doctor your astronomical advice was most helpful
Delbert ((flustered)): Oh thank you! Thank you very much! Well, I have a lot to offer anatomically, amanamolically. as-astronomically ((slaps self))
B.E.N: Oh, this is fantastic! A carbon-based life form has come to rescue me at last! I just want to hug you and squeeze you and hold you close to me! I mean solitudes fun, don't get me wrong. But after a 100 years, YOU GO A LITTLE NUTS!! HAHA!!
Jim: Alright, if you want to come along, you're going to have to stop talking.
((B.E.N spazzes and jumps into Jim's arms, blabbering))
Jim: And you have to stop touching me
B.E.N: Touching and talking, that's my two big no-nos.
Amelia ((woundedly)): Gentlemen, we must stay together and--
Delbert: AND WHAT? WE MUST STAY TOGETHER AND WHAT?
Amelia ((thoughtfully)): Doctor, you have wonderful eyes
Delbert: SHE'S LOST HER MIND!!
Jim: Without the map we're dead. If we try to leave we're dead. And if we stay here--
Morph: Dead! We're dead we're dead we're dead!
Jim (gasps): Captain Flint?
B.E.N: In the flesh!
((a skeleton comes into view))
B.E.N: Well, sort've except for skin and organs, and anything else that resembles flesh
B.E.N: I AM NOT LEAVING MY BUDDY JIMMY!
((Jim glares))
B.E.N.: Unless he looks at me like that
Delbert: I'm such a useless weakling! (slips out of bounds). With abnormally thin wrists! Excuse me, brutish pirate ((Pirate burps)) Yes, you! I have a question. Is it that your body is too massive for your teeny-tiny head, or is that your head is too teeny-tiny for your big fat body?
Pirate: I PUMMEL YOU GOOD!
Delbert: Yes! I'm sure you do! But before you do I have one more question ((sticks gun to his abdomen)) Is this yours?
Delbert: Just wait til your mother hears about this! Of course we'll down-play the life threatening parts
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