News: Agh...school's coming up, and I didn't get half the writing done that I wanted to! Damn...Oh well. Hellborn and Harlequin are my priority stories right now. The final chapter of The Insanity Code will be posted as soon as humanly possible. The Vampire Incident is going to be taken down in a few days unless I get some sort of miracle brainstorm. I'm sorry, guys. It's just not going anywhere. The Insanity Code will be my last parody story for a while; I'm going to work on some more serious stuff, starting with the Hellborn series and Harlequin.

Name: Krazykiwigirl27, a.k.a. Kiwi

Location: InFrontOfMyComputertown, USA

Age: 17. I CAN GET INTO R-RATED MOVIES WITHOUT LYING ABOUT MY AGE! YAY!

Gender: Last I checked, female. Y'know, if the penname doesn't tell you anything...

Status: Single and lovin' it.

Nationality: American

Family: Dad, mom, kid brother, and a bunch of psychotic friends. They all rock.

Ancestry: Irish, Swedish, English, Scottish, Canadian, Danish, Hungarian, Romanian, Czech, Cherokee Indian...The list goes on and on. I'm a mutt as far as this goes.

Physical Description: Well, if you must know...Straight reddish-brown hair, green eyes, about 5'4'', average weight. Usually wearing some kind of funky t-shirt, always with jeans and either black or green Converse. Basic make-up: Black mascara, black eyeliner, any random eyeshadow.

Personality: Uh...Does 'sociopathic' cover it?

Story Status:

Artemis Fowl: The Fangirl Incident - Complete: The first of my rather random Fangirl series. Artemis Fowl reluctantly squares off against a maniac businessman who wants to stop the DVD release of Dead Man's Chest. The alter ego of the author, her kid brother, and their cousin tag along for the very bumpy ride.

Artemis Fowl: The Insanity Code - In Progress: Part two of the Fangirl series. A psychotic psychiatrist wants to take over the world using an army of zombies. Arty and co. must stop her before it's too late.

Artemis Fowl: The Vampire Incident - Pending removal. Sorry!

Red Sky at Night (Moonlight) - Discontinued. I'm sorry, guys; it just wasn't going anywhere.

Harlequin (Batman Begins/Dark Knight) - In Progress: The story of how Dr. Harleen Quinzel met her most infamous patient, fell in love, and took a head-first plunge off the deep end, possibly taking the rest of Gotham City with her.

Hellborn (Supernatural) - In Progress: The Winchesters have their hands full while they try and hunt down a murderous pack of creatures and help the Flahertys work their way out of a centuries-old curse.

How the Apocalypse will Happen according to Yahoo!Answers:

Day 1: People notice strange behaviour in squirrels
Day 2: Series' of mysterious deaths.
Day 3: Squirrels found killing human with knife
Day 4: Squirrels develop guns and bombs
Day 5: Cities in chaos because of squirrel gang killings and robberies
Day 6: Squirrels develop leaders and a military
Day 7: Squirrels declare all out war on humans
Day 8: The battle for earth. Squirrels vs Humans
Day 9: Squirrels victorious, humans made slaves.
Day 10: Earth belongs to the squirrels

Quotes:

"I don't like lollipops." - Artemis Fowl

"Stay back, human. You don't know what you're dealing with." - Captain Holly Short, Artemis Fowl

"Sirens. We must get out of this area, Artemis, before I'm forced to cause an international incident." - Butler, Artemis Fowl

"You're gonna need a bigger boat..." Chief Brody, Jaws

"Oh, I hate this bloody line. Where are the writers? I'm going to kill them!" - Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean Blooper Reel

Will Turner: You cheated.
Jack Sparrow: Pirate.
-Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Jack Sparrow: Put it away, son. It's not worth you getting beat again.
Will Turner: You didn't beat me. You ignored the rules of engagement. In a fair fight, I'd kill you.
Jack Sparrow: That's not much incentive for me to fight fair, then, is it?
-Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Norrington: You are without doubt the worst pirate I've ever heard of.
Jack Sparrow: But you have heard of me.
-Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Jack Sparrow:One question about your business, boy, or there's no use going: This girl... how far are you willing to go to save her?
Will Turner: I'd die for her.
Jack Sparrow: Oh, good. No worries, then.
-Pirates of the Caribbean

"Stop blowing holes in my ship!" - Captain Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Caribbean

"Don't make eye contact!" Teddy Roosevelt, Night at the Museum

"Good Lord, Lawrence, why are you slapping a monkey!" - Teddy Roosevelt, Night at the Museum.

"Control your young!" - Dr, McPhee, Night at the Museum.

Larry (about Sacajawea) Was she deaf? She just seems a little...unresponsive.
Rebecca: That's because she's a statue...
-Night at the Museum

"Did no one come to save me just because they missed me?" - Captain Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

"Cop car! Let's go check out the mindless violence!" - Sheen, Jimmy Neutron

“This is not my vessel. My vessel is magnificent, and fierce and huge-ish and…gone. Why is it gone?” - Captain Jack Sparrow

"Ladies! Will you please shut it! Listen to me! Yes, I lied to you. No, I don't love you. Of course it makes you look fat! I've never been to Brussels. It is pronounced "egregious". By the way, no, I've never met Pizzaro but I love his pies. And all of this pales to utter insignificance in light of the fact that my ship is once again gone! Savvy?" - Captain Jack Sparrow

"Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this weirdness." - Captain Jack Sparrow

"I was ecstatic when they re-named 'French Fries' as 'Freedom Fries.' Grown men and women in positions of power in the U.S. government showing themselves as idiots."- Johnny Depp

"I wasn't even on the right continent!"- Edward, New Moon

"Stupid, shiny Volvo owner." - Bella, Twilight

Lestat: Where's the black cape and the finely tailored black coat and the silk tie and all that foolishness?
Louis: Can't always be the living legend.
- The Vampire Lestat

"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe

"You just had to piss off an arms dealer, didn't you?" - Mick St. John, Moonlight

Beth: (smashes Mick over the head with a vase)
Mick: (doesn't move, pauses) Ouch.
-Moonlight

"So tell me something, professor: Do the salutary effects kick in before or after the sex with your students?" - Mick St. John, Moonlight

"You seriously drink this stuff? What is it? Like, non-fat, soy vegan blood?" - Josef, Moonlight

"Vampire experts? Beautiful, now we've got the food mouthing off about the farmer." - Josef, Moonlight

"Vampire solidarity, rah rah rah, and all that."- Josef, Moonlight

"That bastard staked me!" - Josef, Moonlight

Beth: Did you know that my editor was investigation your involvement in a bogus charity scam?
Josef: Nice to see you, Beth. Me? I'm doing great, thanks. Except for all the drywall dust. It gets everywhere.
-Moonlight

"Am I a suspect? Cool! It's like roleplaying, except without the leather." - Josef, Moonlight.

Mick: Your name came up in connection to a story Maureen was working on.
Josef: Well, was her body found in La Brea Tar Pits?
Beth: ...No?
Josef: (pauses) That was the only person I killed this week.
- Moonlight

Mick: Well, we'll talk to your PR guy.
Josef: Remember the tar pits? (smirks)
-Moonlight

"Oh, look. My tax dollars at work coming to arrest me." - Riley, National Treasure 2

"Basically if the earth gets only a few degrees warmer rising sea levels will drown major cities and kill millions of people. KILL is not the word that I wanted to say!" - Patrick Stump

"Before lunch and ultimately recess, I need you to know...you're going to die."- Patrick Stump

"I don't know what the birds ever did to Ollie, but something went wrong in his childhood." - Dan, Big Brother

"He irks me. He's irksome." - Patrick Jane, The Mentalist

"Just do me the favor of listening to me for a minute so I can say 'I told you so' later" - Agent Lisbon, The Mentalist

Agent Lisbon: Tell me the truth.
Patrick Jane: Truth. Darth Vader? Luke's father.
- The Mentalist

Patrick Jane: All you need is a basic understanding of the evolutionary psychology of women, rigorously and fearlessly applied. You gotta know what buttons to press.
Agent Van Pelt: Like we're toasters.
Agent Lisbon: Like men don't have buttons too.
Patrick Jane: Men are like toasters. Women, a little more like, uh...accordions.
- The Mentalist

Hardison: Goin' to Plan B?
Nate: Technically, that would be Plan G.
Hardison: How many plans do we have? Is there, like, a Plan M?
Nate: Yeah. Hardison dies in Plan M.
Eliot: I like Plan M.
- Leverage

Nate: Did you just kill a guy with an appetizer?
Eliot: (shrugs) Maybe.
-Leverage

Hardison: I didn't sign up for any of this! What I did before, nobody got hurt.
Sophie: I stole paintings for a living.
Parker: I never hurt anybody.
(Pause)
Eliot: I actually hurt people, so...
- Leverage

Harvey Dent: The famous Bruce Wayne. Rachel's told me everything about you.
Bruce Wayne: I certainly hope not.
-The Dark Knight

"And I thought MY jokes were bad!" - The Joker, The Dark Knight

"That's twenty pounds of crazy in a five pound bag!" - Eliot, Leverage

"House rules, Sammy: Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole." - Dean Winchester, Supernatural

"None of you understand. I'm not locked up in here with you. You're locked up in here with me!" - Rorschach, Watchmen

"I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains. " - Rorschach, Watchmen

"A living body and a dead body have the same number of particles. Structurally, there's no difference."- Dr. Manhattan, Watchmen

"Humans get arrested. Dogs get put down." Rorschach, Watchmen

"Any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy." - Dwight D. Eisenhower (I like Ike.)

Osgood: You must be quite a girl.
Jerry: (dressed as a woman) Wanna bet?
-Some Like it Hot

"I don't care how rich he is, as long as he has a yacht, his own private railroad car, and his own toothpaste."- Sugar, Some Like it Hot

"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them." - Bumper sticker

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you." - Bumper sticker.

Osgood:(about their engagement) I called my ma. She was so happy she cried. She wants you to have her wedding gown. It's white lace.
Jerry: Osgood, I can't get married in your mother's dress. She and I...uh, we're not built the same way.
Osgood: We can have it altered.
Jerry: Oh no ya don't! Osgood, I'm gonna level with ya, we can't get married at all.
Osgood: Why not?
Jerry: Well...In the first place, I'm not a natural blonde!
Osgood: Doesn't matter.
Jerry: Well, I smoke! I smoke all the time!
Osgood: I don't care.
Jerry: I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with a saxaphone player!
Osgood: I forgive you.
Jerry:(tragic) I can never have children!
Osgood: We can adopt some.
Jerry: Aw, you don't understand, Osgood! (takes off wig) I'm a man!
Osgood: Well, nobody's perfect.
-Some Like it Hot

Dean: Who're you?
Castiel: I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition.
Dean: Yeah. Thanks for that. (stabs Castiel)
Castiel: (looks at knife, pulls it out)
-Supernatural

"I'm not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren't even hot. " - Dean Winchester, Supernatural

Eliot: He tried to kill us!
Parker: More importantly, he didn't pay us.
Eliot: How is that more important?
Parker: I take that personally.
-Leverage

Oz: Oh, look, monkey. And he has a little hat, and little pants.
Willow: Yeah, I-I see.
Oz: The monkey's the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes, you know that? (Willow smiles) You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen. So I'm wonderin', do the other cookie animals feel sorta ripped? Like is the hippo goin', "Hey man, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity." And, you know, the monkey's just, "I mock you with my monkey pants!" And then there's a big coup in the zoo.
Willow: The monkey is French?
Oz: All monkeys are French. You didn't know that?
Willow: No.
-Buffy, the Vampire Slayer

"Do you like daisies? I plant them, but they always die. Everything I put in the ground withers and dies..." - Drusilla, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

(about her puppy) "Her owner died... without a fight. Do you like her? Hm? I brought her specially for you, to cheer you up. And I've named her: Sunshine!"- Drusilla, - Buffy the Vampire Slayer

LG commercial: Is it a TV? Or is it something more?
Me: It looks like a TV.
NIFF: I'd call it a TV.

"You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time." - Abraham Lincoln

"Is that you breathing? Because I can't hear myself think! There's too much going on here; you're asthmatic, you're a robot. And why the cape? Are we going to the opera? I don't think so." -Kahmunrah to Darth Vader, Night at the Museum 2

"We're Americans, we don't think, we do!" - General Custer, Night at the Museum 2 (As an American, I can say that this is, for the most part, true. We either think too much or we don't think at all.)

"Two words come to mind when I hear you speak: weird and delusional. And If I had to pick a third... goofy. Just plain goofy. " - Jedediah to Kahmunrah, Night at the Museum 2

"See, I'm a man of simple tastes. I like dynamite, and gunpowder... And gasoline! Do you know what all of these things have in common? They're cheap!" -The Joker, The Dark Knight (Gasoline is cheep? Really? Since when?)

Alfred: I suppose they're going to lock me up, too? As your accomplice.
Bruce: Accomplice? I'm gonna tell 'em the whole thing was your idea!
-The Dark Knight

"Let me get this straight: You think that your client, one of the wealthiest, most powerful men in the world, is secretly a vigilante who spends his nights beating criminals to a pulp with his bare hands... And your plan is to blackmail this person? Good luck." - Lucius Fox, The Dark Knight

Gambol: You think you can steal from us and just walk away?
The Joker: Yeah.
-The Dark Knight

Epps: Hope these F-16s got good aim.
Lennox: Why?
Epps: I told 'em to aim for the orange smoke.
Lennox: (turns around) That orange smoke?
Epps: Wasn't my best toss...
-Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

"One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach... All the damn vampires."- Grandpa, The Lost Boys.

"I'm taking a shower...so if my phone does its 'bomb' imitation, tell Mike I'm busy..." - NIFF. His ring tone sounds like a bomb. Seriously.

"Are we done feeling our feelings? Because I'd like to get out of this room before we both start growing lady parts."- Bobby Singer to Dean Winchester, Supernatural.