You’re depraved, cold, and rotten to the core… I’ve come to admire that in a person.

10 Commandments of a Teenager

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.

(Why wait that long)

2) Thou shall not do drugs.

(Alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)

3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.

(Walmart has a bigger selection)

4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.

(Destruction has a bigger effect; I can tell you all about this)

5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.

(Everyone knows grandma has more money)

6) Thou shall not get into fights.

(Can’t fight anyhow...just start them.)

7) Thou shall not skip class.

(Just take the whole day off)

8) Thou shall not strip in class.

(Hooters pays more)

9) Thou shall not think about having sex.

(Like Nike says, "Just do it")

10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.

(Just leave'm in the middle)

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and 12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Guyanese used a pencil.

-Don't play stupid with me. I'm better at it.

-I need alcohol. There are brain cells that are going to remember tonight and I want them dead.

-I know what you're thinking and you should be ashamed of yourself.

-I know I'm not perfect, but I'm so close it scares me!

-You know how I smile when I see you? It's because I'm laughing deep down inside.

-I'm so great. I'm jealous of myself.

-No ones perfect. Well... there was this one guy.. But we killed him.

-I am not anti-social.. I just don't like you.

-I think...therefore I am dangerous.

-If I don't like you, you're stupid. If you're stupid shut then fuck up.

-"...if I was really as crazy as you say, then I would be locked up in a loony bin. As you see, this is not the case. If...I'm sorry, can you help me? My nose itches and this straitjacket is on a little tight..."

-I'm tough, ambitious and know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.

-If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

-If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

-What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

-I think of lying as creative "truth-making".

-Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

-It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

-I'm not arrogant. Arrogance is a flaw. I have no flaws.

-When I was a kid I would ask God every night for a bike. When I then realized that that wasn't the way the Lord worked I stole one instead and asked him to forgive me.

"You say Bitch like it’s a bad thing.

The voices in my head tell me that you're all crazy to think that I need therapy.

Smile -- it confuses the enemy

I'm not bossy, I just have better ideas

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

"I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can’t paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that paper up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say "oh shit, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, asshole."