You are now entering the pond where MYRTLE THE TYRTLE spends a lot of time writing, reading and reviewing fanfics. He is mainly interested in Harry Potter fics, but is open to other topics as well, such as the Lion King or Alex Rider. When writing, he often tends to write parodies of JK's work, as you can find out by reading some of it. Early on in his fanfic career he wrote his Author Notes and Profile in the third person, but he is trying to kick this habit. Sorry, I am trying to kick this habit.

I haven't been on for a while... mainly just thanking my occasional reviewers, and reading the stories I have on alert... but fear not, I AM STILL VERY MUCH ALIVE (which is more than can be said for Dumbledore, or almost all of the characters in SURVIVOR: HOGWARTS), and I intend to come back writing one day. I'm just too dang busy right now.

Anyway...

A bit about the Tyrtle known as Myrtle...

Real name: Dominic

Fanfiction user name: Myrtle the Tyrtle

Origins of user name: A joke told to me by my friend Jacob. It was about a turtle called Myrtle, and was still on my mind when I created my account. Change the spelling, and you get a cool name! Well, OK, it is actually a (gasp!) girly name, but that is disproved when you read SURVIVOR, HELP PLEASE! or Mad Over Mooney's 30,000 FEET HIGH.And for your information, the descriptions in there are not taken from the mirror! (I would so hate to look like that every day!) Still, they are more me than any made up name. If you would like to hear said joke, please PM/email/whatever me. But I'm warning you, it's not funny.

Location: Dunedin, New Zealand. (That's a little place at the bottom of the world where we have cool things like sheep and chocolate waterfalls).

Occupation: Student at a school. I'm not saying which. It would only provoke stalkers. Of course, I can comprehend why you'd want to stalk me... blushes

Hobbies: Fanficcing, computers, music (I play the trombone! yay!), dramatic interests such as theatre sports, line dancing (no, just kidding), and debating. Ich spreche auch Deutsch!

Fave Pairings in HP: Anything goes, as long as its convincing and well-written, although Hermione-anyone is usually a no-no, because I actually just don't like her much. Same goes for Draco.

Update Schedule: What do the words IN and FREQUENTLY mean to you? Well, I'm either signed IN FREQUENTLY, or I upload new chapters INFREQUENTLY. Well, I suppose this is what you get when you have to do the whole complulsary education thing, especially with the compulsary homework that comes with it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Stories...

DUDLEY DURSLEY AND THE HIDDEN STAFF is a Dudley-centric fic that I started back in the early days of my fanfiction. I'm sorry to say, it may never be completed unless I get support from cool people like InkandPaper (read her stuff!! It's probably better than mine!)

HARRY BOTTER AND THE WHO-WHAT-WHERE NOW is an Alternative Universe where Harry must try and fit in and not make waves in a world with some key differences from his... such as his best friends, the evil villain, the unlikely hero and a whole lot of people he thought were dead.

SURVIVOR: HOGWARTS has now been completed! It basically features a fiendish Voldemort, a rigged elimination ceremony, guest appearances by Jeff Probst and character death. A lot of character death. But don't worry, all is resolved in the 'live' finale!

THE AMAZING RACE: SPECIAL HOGWARTS EDITION is written in a similar fashion to SURVIVOR, but has born-and-bred Kiwi Phil Keoghan in the host role as seven teams of two in a pre-existing relationship (including Dumbledore-NHN and Draco-Ernie) try to track down Voldy and make him pay for killing them under the pretext of a game show. Hilarity ensues. Chapter Two is written, and will be posted in the near future.

IF IT DID IT, HERE'S HOW IT HAPPENED was never written by OJ Simpson. Instead it is a compilation of confessions and denials about who killed Harry Potter. Reviewers are invited to submit information about themselves so they can be interrogated, or guess who the murder was. First story to break 1000 hits, and now over 6000!

STONE! THE MUSICAL is a dire attempt at making a musical out of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. WARNING! Contains bad lyrics, such as "Before your father ran away and died... he flied!", sung by Oliver Wood and Harry Potter. May not be continued. EDIT: Will not be continued, and another song thing will be published in its place.

HELP PLEASE! was a total laugh and a half! As a novice fanficcer, I couldn't find any of my stuff on the Search toolbar, so I wrote a story about it and it became my most popular fic for quite a while (until it was toppled by SURVIVOR and IF I DID IT).

THE COLD NIGHT is a misleading title. The phrase is used a total of two times in the story, but it sounds a whole lot more interesting (and shorter) than HARRY POTTER GOES TO AN ADDICTS ASSOCIATION CLASS AND MEETS PEOPLE THAT YOU WOULDN'T THINK WERE THERE, which is basically what it is. Not a parody (or is it...? Let me know), and my first attempt at something semi-decent. Contains a surprising twist of events at the end. Oneshot.

A SEQUENCE OF ALTERNATIVE EVENTS is a Harry Potter series I am writing which do not flow in chronological order. Book the First is set in HBP (WHO'S THE HALFBLOOD NOW?) and Book the Second is set in CoS (THE CHAMBER...). They stem from ideas such as 'What if it wasn't Snape who killed Dumbledore' or 'What if Harry and Ron actually had half a brain and sent an owl to McGonagall instead of taking the car'. I had considered 'What if Snape died', but Witowsmp has been there, done that and got the reviews.

A blatant parody of Alex Rider - Alex is a weedy 14-year-old orphan, useless at sports and generally everything else. One afternoon, he comes home to find that his lawyer uncle has run off with his secretary. Then he learns that Uncle Ian was not actually a lawyer, but an actor and musician who toured the world with various musicals put on by MI6 (Musical International 6). With his uncle's disappearance, there is no one to play the lead role in their latest hit The Broken Storm. Can Alex step up to the plate, and make a success of himself in his uncle's shoes? Let me know what you think at THIS ADDRESS, or maybe just review ALEX RIDER IN THE BROKEN STORM, seeing as I've already started writing it. Titles, character names, original chapters and chapter fill-ins are all welcome and most appreciated. Plans for series up to Scorpia. Especially Scorpia.

At present I am also thinking of writing a story using the same ideas as Harry Potter (kid discovers he is a wizard), but set in a much more comfortable environment (eg the most awesomest little country - New Zealand - where HBP may be filmed, according to wikipedia!). Let me know what you think at THIS ADDRESS. Alternatively, you can review as both Chapters One and Two are now published with title DUMBER'S BLUNDER. AU, and clumsy Dumby has destroyed half the world, so everything starts again in a little place called New Avalon. Second attempt at something semi-decent, so if it sucks, please tell me. But not too harshly. Please. (And thanks in advance!)

Last (but certainly not least) is a script for the up-and-coming Broadway musical (I wish!) JUST CAN'T WAIT, based on Disney's The Lion King and starring the British Royal Family. Was being converted from script-to-text, but now that I have run out of pre-written script, it's all imagination from here on in.

I have also published original stories on FictionPress (dotcom). They have a serious lack of reviews, and I would be interested in knowing if I can cut it as a real-time writer, not just someone stealing characters and ideas of a rich and famous British gal or bloke, as are most of us on this prestigous website. You don't even have to log in, and I have the same user name and everything! Could it be simpler?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ideas that may be worth tossing around:

-- BRUCE LINE IS IT ANYWAY! is in a working-title/under construction faze. Basically, McGonagall decides to cheer up the students after Dumbledore's death at the end of book six, so hires a theatre sports group. Title comes from popular TV show WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY, but starring Myrtle the Tyrtle's Bruce Troupe.

-- SEQUELS! are being planned for AMAZING RACE, ALEX RIDER and DUMBER'S BLUNDER. However, seeing as they have a current max chapter count of TWO!, it may be some time in the making.

-- POTTY AND POTTYER - A Lily-James fic. Usually I hate Lily-James (it's just so cliche, y'know?), but it's an idea that may work. Contact me to offer help and advice, or if you want to know more about it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Recommended Stories:

I definitely recommend reading all stories in my favourites, or by my favourite authors. In addition to this, my favourites out of my own stories are IF I DID IT, SURVIVOR and JUST CAN'T WAIT.

Current WIPs (Work-in-Progresses) that I would like feedback on include DUMBER'S BLUNDER and ALEX RIDER. Constructive criticims are more than welcome.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tip of the Update:

Seeing as the PM and alert system is not quite active at the moment, feel free to email me (my address is up there at the top, and scattered around here a bit) if you want to reply to a review or anything. That way, I can get it and reply to you!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Flames:

Will not be tolerated, and deleted, or the administrators contacted (for signed-in accounts). I accept anonymous reviews to allow people who don't have an account or can't be bothered to sign in (been there, done that) to review, but NOT SO I CAN BE FLAMED WITHOUT KNOWING WHO DID IT. Flames can lower my self esteem and opinion of a story, resulting in it's discontinuation, which can, in no uncertain terms, really piss off readers who are hooked into the story, or a writer who had plans for extensions on the slim pickings you can find below, but is now doubting its existance. If there are certain bits you didn't like/couldn't stand/made you wish you hadn't read the story let me know in a CONSTRUCTIVE review, e.g:

"Dear Myrtle. I found that in this story you did ________________________ not very well. Perhaps you could try _________________________ or ___________________. However, I still enjoyed your story, particularly when _________________________. Regards, your name here."

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

For those of you are unsure about what to put in your review (i.e. because you are incapable of showing any sign of emotion), feel free to quote:

-- something that made you laugh (shouldn't be too hard!)
-- something that made you cry (but I really hope I didn't!)
-- something that made you think (hopefully not too hard - I can't be sure whether you've got a smoke alarm!)
-- something that made you save it to your favourites, alert list or C2 (wouldn't be too bad!)
-- something that made you say "By Gum! That's full of mistakes!" (hopefully a rarity!)

Whenever possible, more than one criterion is acceptable.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sticky Thing:

This is what I have dubbed those phrases people cut-and-paste onto their profiles, and now I have made my own. Copy and Paste, and add your name to the (totally awsome) list (of awesome people).

When I grow up I want to be a real Tyrtle - Myrtle the Tyrtle

I know where New Zealand is without looking on a map - Myrtle the Tyrtle

I do not do line dancing - Myrtle the Tyrtle

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Disclaimer: (because I always forget to put it in!) MYRTLE THE TYRTLE IS NOT A REAL TYRTLE. NOR DOES HE OWN ANYTHING LISTED BELOW THAT YOU MAY HAVE ENCOUNTERED IN OTHER WORKS THAT HAVE BEEN PUBLISHED IN REAL BOOKS, ON REAL TELEVISION OR REAL MOVIES. IF YOU THOUGHT OF IT, AND DIDN'T PUBLISH IT - YOUR LOSS. IF YOU THOUGHT OF IT AND DID PUBLISH IT, IT SHOULN'T BE HERE, BECAUSE MYRTLE THE TYRTLE DOESN'T PLAUGERIZE. USUALLY.

Um... does fanfiction count as plageurism? Go ask Alan (Shore, of Boston Legal. Note to self: read BL fics).