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And yay, now ye shall shut the Hell up and listen, for I am about to part unto thee the N (where N is directly equal to how many I list) commandments of fanatic fiction writing. And ye shall know these ways, so that when I call ye out on them, ye cannot say that ye did not have fair warning. For my days of coddling ye have ended, and I will no longer stand for the idiocy of ye and thine people. Now, I bring to ye the Hammer of the Gods, with thunder and wind and rain. And ye will be given one warning EACH, and indeed, I mayst very well excuse certain infractions as habit or personality. BUT should ye fault a second time, I will bring about my judgment. Learn well.

I. Thou shalt check thy FUCKING GRAMMAR. Yay, I have looked upon too much stupidity, and seen too much literary carnage to count. Too many broken sentences, repetitive adjectives, and hanging lines. And so, I warn thee. Thou will get thy self a Beta Reader, and not rely on Word or ye own intuition. Ye own intuition sucks royal turtle rectum. And lo, should I find infractions upon this law, the most holy of holies, then I shall vivisect thee and strangle thee with thine own intestinal tract. Following that, I shall unleash no less than three bull Kodiak bears in heat. One is not enough. Two is acceptable. Four is perhaps better than three. But five is simply not right. Immediately after these beasts have had their way with every part of thy body, I shall castrate thy father and beat ye with the dismemberments until ye cry. It is less than ye deserve.

II. Thou shalt not bitch about the above commandment. For ye must know, I do not care.

III. Ye shall not be a purist. Thou shalt not fear change. All things must change, lest they stagnate and fall into the Abyss. If thou sickens of the popular culture around thy franchise, yay, ye shall hold dear what ye know to be true. And if ye is reluctant to embrace a franchise because it is -popular-, do not be afraid. For if it does turn out to be crap, somewhere out there, someone agrees with ye completely. And if ye remembers the beginning of such a franchise, once again, ye shall not fear change, and will be steady in thy judgement. And lo, ye must accept that not all new things are terrible.

IV. Ye shall not be an elitist. For though ye liked thy franchise before it was popular, that is nay an excuse to be a prick. For those who saw the tower built and lived on its foundations do not own the tower, but the tower belongs to those who built it. And if ye would stand at the top of this tower above others, then ye shall work towards the top. For in all other cases, acting high and mighty is just being a douche.

V. And yay, thou shalt not be a culture alien and fail to adapt to the ways of a new world. For there lies the path of squick shock and fear, and fear will turn into stupidity. Learn all ye can of the world, and be not afraid.

VI. Thou shalt not be a toxic genius. For if people disagree with ye, it is for but one of two reasons. Either they themselves are human beings like ye self and have separate opinions, or ye are wrong. Lo, I put my money on the last one.

VII. Ye shalt not be a toxic visionary. Lo, ye are not smarter than the creators of thine favored franchise, and nay, ye could not probably do a better job. If ye could, ye would not be here, now would ye?

VIII. Ye shall not be a strawstuffer. If ye feels a franchise is suffering, ye shall find the true culprit of the perceived decay before ye cast the first stone. Chances are, it is not the writer, director, animator, or company public relations manager's fault.

IX. And lo, ye shalt not be a tinfoiler. For if the franchise changes, it is not the producers retaliation of fandom, specifically at ye. The producers know not who ye are. And they do not give a rat's ass.

X. Ye shall not be wed as bride of madness. For if thy favored character does not receive enough screen time or is cut from this mortal coil or moves in a fashion other than ye predicted, once again, the producers are not slighting ye. Ye will shut up and deal, for no man under the sun sympathizes with a whiny little bitch. And ye shall realize that thine favored character doth have flaws of every kind about them. And if some man should point them out, ye shall admit, accept, and even embrace them. For if ye does not, ye shall be dubbed lower than 'fan(gender)' and the dark lady of the Demonweb Pits shall prepare a place for ye, where in she shall open the skin of thy back, dissolve thy spine, muscles, and bones with her acidic spittle, and devour thy organic goo, all while gaining sexual relief from thy screams of pain.

XI. And yay, ye shall know thy place, and not be a misplaced champion. Ye shall accept criticism of thy fandom. For lo, fandom is not a 'love it or leave it' situation. Others questioning thy fandom does not mean they question their love for it. For in the land of the blind, ye are not the king, but the foolish knight charging at the sound of dragons across a crevasse.

XII. Thou shalt not be a little bearer. For even if ye hold contempt for ye fellow fans, and feel ye are being noble when ye defend these 'savages' as much as thy fandom, ye are still wrong. For throwing ye self into the fires does not keep others from burning. It only makes them burn that much faster.

XIV. Lo, ye shall not willfully blind ye self. Ye are not Oedipus Rex, nay, nowhere even close. Thy favored franchise and characters has flaws, problems, and overall places where it sucks or generally fails. But once again, ye shall acknowledge, accept, and embrace these.

XV. Dost thou think thee a highbrow elitist? When others criticize thy fandom, doth ye believe that they are barbarians, or simply not meant to be part of the worthy fraternity that is ye and ye fellow fans? Nay, ye shall avoid this. For ye will greet strangers with open arms, lest gods walk the world and judge ye someday, ye twit. And if said critics be indeed unlearned, ye shall teach them, and take up the first fan's burden. In time, they may love such a fandom, and ye will have made the world a better place.

XVI. Should thoust be writing an epic, and keeps the aforementioned mistakes to an accidental minimum, thou mayst be forgiven.

XVII. Art thou a dog? Art thou some common mongrel? NAY! And as such, ye shall not beg for ye reviews as part of a story description. Ye are not an animal, ye are hopefully a human being. And if ye receives a review from begging, ye do not deserve it. For ye bought it with tears and crying and begging. Ye deserve jack-shit.

XVIII. Art ye a whore? A prostitute? A harlot? A bitch? Then why doth ye hold thou stories RANSOM for reviews. My only conclusion is either that ye are retarded, or ye are a whore. A whore as in ye expose thine sexual organs so that paying customers may have their way with ye whilst ye tell thine self that ye don't mind. Ye sicken me. Ye deserve to be wiped off the face of the earth in a cleansing flame! PREPARE FOR JUDGMENT!

XIX. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! What is this where ye write a story description so: "Bob Loves Dana And They Are In Vampire Cyborg High School, Etc." What is that?! Dost ye know?! Dost thee understand even the most basic principles of grammar?! Allow me to spell it out for ye! Ye capitalize NAMES and TITLES, be it of individuals, cities, states, streets, formal or casual titles to a particular individuals, or species! What do ye not capitalize? EVERYTHING ELSE!

XX. There is no mercy for the weak. Thou shalt not ask for forgiveness and pity because this is thine 'first fic'. Thou shalt man up and grow some balls, or yay, I shall place some on ye for the sole purpose of ripping them off.

XXI. There is no pity for the broken. Thou shalt not beg, 'Please, no flames.' Why, in the name of Lord Arioch, should I NOT flame ye right now for crying out in fear? That is begging for flames, worshiping it, practically. It proves ye know of flames and secretly desire to feel it just so ye can attempt some half-assed facade of bravery and press on, but in truth ye would break like glass.

XXII. Thou shalt not write story descriptions that are single sentences, sentence fragments, dangling sentences, or otherwise do not inform the reader to anything about your story. Get ye to LiveJournal and write your cutter-emo poetry if thou dost wish to be dark and brooding!

XXIII. Thou shalt spell and grammar check thy story description. Give me one reason I should read thy literary garbage if ye can't even apparently get 100 words right, ye twit?

XXIV. Thou dost not capitalize story descriptions in all caps lock. LIKE THIS, YE IGNORANT HICKS.

Coming soon to a geek-fest near you!

To Gather the Claws - Unbeknownst to Raven, Kresk is gathering more followers to form his warriors, the Claws of Kresk. But just who, and how, will the Fire Demon draw them to himself?

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? - Raven has a special little someone riding on her arm, and brings them over to the Titans for dinner. Before you hate me for writing a romance, consider this; one demon is a sappy romance. Two demons are fun. The whole Abyss is gonna' be Hell.

The Falcon and the Crow Series - Well, there is a serious deficiency of good Ayane/Ryu fiction for Dead or Alive. Part of me hates writing romances, but a fan's gotta do what a fan's gotta do. Hell, I did it for Exile/Visas. Who says I can't do it again? Just watch me, Kasumi-fans. Of course, I'm gonna' need to brush up on my Japanese folk-lore, first. Heh.

Required Poetry

- The Tyger by William Blake

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare sieze the fire?

And what shoulder, & what art.
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears,
And watered heaven with their tears,
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

- Acquainted With the Night by Robert Frost

I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have walked out in rain -- and back in rain.
I have outwalked the furthest city light.

I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an interrupted cry
Came over houses from another street,

But not to call me back or say good-bye;
And further still at an unearthly height,
O luminary clock against the sky

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.
I have been one acquainted with the night.

- The Conqueror Worm by Edgar Allen Poe

Lo! 'tis a gala night
Within the lonesome latter years!
An angel throng, bewinged, bedight
In veils, and drowned in tears,
Sit in a theatre, to see
A play of hopes and fears,
While the orchestra breathes fitfully
The music of the spheres.

Mimes, in the form of God on high,
Mutter and mumble low,
And hither and thither fly-
Mere puppets they, who come and go
At bidding of vast formless things
That shift the scenery to and fro,
Flapping from out their Condor wings
Invisible Woe!

That motley drama- oh, be sure
It shall not be forgot!
With its Phantom chased for evermore,
By a crowd that seize it not,
Through a circle that ever returneth in
To the self-same spot,
And much of Madness, and more of Sin,
And Horror the soul of the plot.

But see, amid the mimic rout
A crawling shape intrude!
A blood-red thing that writhes from out
The scenic solitude!
It writhes!- it writhes!- with mortal pangs
The mimes become its food,
And seraphs sob at vermin fangs
In human gore imbued.

Out- out are the lights- out all!
And, over each quivering form,
The curtain, a funeral pall,
Comes down with the rush of a storm,
While the angels, all pallid and wan,
Uprising, unveiling, affirm
That the play is the tragedy, "Man,"
And its hero the Conqueror Worm.

- The Owl and the Pussycat by Edward Lear

The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
Wrapped up in a five pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,
'O lovely Pussy! O Pussy my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
You are,
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!'

Pussy said to the Owl, 'You elegant fowl!
How charmingly sweet you sing!
O let us be married! too long we have tarried:
But what shall we do for a ring?'
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
To the land where the Bong-tree grows
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood
With a ring at the end of his nose,
His nose,
His nose,
With a ring at the end of his nose.

'Dear pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
Your ring?' Said the Piggy, 'I will.'
So they took it away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince, and slices of quince,
Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon,
The moon,
The moon,
They danced by the light of the moon.

- Ozymandias by Percy Byshee Shelly

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said - Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk a shattered visage lies, whose from
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that it's sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamp'd on these lifeless things,
The hand that mock'd them, and the heart that fed;
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymadias king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away

- The Second Coming by W.B. Yeats

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in the sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

Many a Tome of Forgotten Lore

- R.A. Salvatore's War of the Spider Queen Series: You know, I've just about had it up to my goddamn neck with Drizz't Do'Urden Fans. Whatever happened to drow being ruthless, cold-hearted bastards? Ultimately, I love all the books, but if I had to pick one... the first one, Dissolution, definitely. Although Anhilation and Resurrection aren't slouching around either. As for Quenthel... I'm your dog, Mistress. What? Oh, so nobody here likes power? Nobody thinks power is sexy? Not one of you?

- Karl Shuker's Dragons: This entire book got me started on dragons. I'm a freaking draco-phile because of this book.

- Silverwing: And yet, I've never read the other two.

- Life of Pi: This book will make you dance.

- Angels, an Endangered Species: This book WILL make or break your faith in God and show you the meaning of life all at once. And with a bag of chips to boot.

- The Bible: Look, I don't care if you're an atheist or a scientologist or whatever, the fact stands as this. The Bible, no matter where you stand from, is perhaps one of the single greatest epics of the entire ancient world. Everything that needs to be in a story is in here. Mind you, that's because it is the foundation for almost ALL of those components, but still.

- The Works of H.P. Lovecraft: Particularly the Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath and Call of Cthulhu. If you have never read H.P. Lovecraft before...you lead a hollow shell of a life devoid of any meaning or hope for meaning in an uncaring existence. That all sums up the general philosophy of most of his stories, but still read them. His version has tentacles.

- The Lord of the Rings: Like you hadn't figured that out by now. Do the world a favor; read the actual books. Don't watch the movies, read the books. Then watch the movies and say, "Wow! Thank God they cut out all that useless wandering in the forest and replaced it with monsters!" Because seriously, did we NEED Tom Bombadil? Was our life as a whole enriched by Tom Bombadil and a horse name Fatty Lumpkin as opposed to an elf chick summoning water elementals to fight Ringwraiths?

- Field Guide to Lake Monsters and Sea Serpents of the World: Overall, an enthralling and comprehensive guide that leaves me craving more.

- Poisonwood Bible: Swarm of man-eating Bull Dog ants for the wins!

- The Field Guide to Monsters of North America: This book is my martyr. It saved me from summer camp, and perhaps sanity.

- The Harry Potter Series: ...Oh come on! Don't look at me like that! It earned it's place as a fantasy epic!

- The Works of Bernard Evslin: Read some mythology. Then read these. You'll never look at Cerberus without crying again.

- Something Wicked This Way Comes: Because nothing will scare the Hell out of you like midgets, clowns, and evil merry-go rounds.

- The Halloween Tree: My favorite book for the merry month of October. What is it with Christmas stories? Why no Halloween stories? Well take THIS Charles Dickens!

- A Christmas Carol: Well take THIS Mark Twain!

- The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn: Well take THIS Edgar Allen Poe!

- The Raven and Other Poems: Well take THIS Gary Gygax!

- Gord the Rogue: Well take THIS Fritz Leiber!

- Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser: Well take THIS Terry Pratchett!

- Hogfather: Well take THIS T.H. White!

- The Once and Future King: Well take THIS Neil Gaiman and assorted other writers!

- In the Shadow of the Gargoyle: Well take THIS Dr. Seus!

- Oh the Places You'll Go!: Well take THIS Thomas Wolfe!

- The Sorceror's Apprentice: Happiness LOLS!

- The Elminster Chronicles by Ed Greenwood: He's like Gandalf, if Gandalf loved sex, booze, and partying.

- Paradise Lost: The beginning of casting Satan in the whole new light as a character, with beauty and epic scale yet to be butchered by any known movie. And all of this was dictated while the man was blind. He spoke every word of his own book. Brilliant!

- The Divine Comedy: Not just the Inferno, but Purgatory and Heaven too.

- A Tale of Two Cities: The last chapter is always a tear jerker.

- Much Ado About Nothing: Watch the movie version. You'll be pleasantly surprised by who shows up.

- Othello: Iago is THE Magnificent Bastard of Magnificent Bastards.

- The Twin Blades Trilogy by R.A. Salvatore: I said I was tired of Driz'zt STEREOTYPES, not Driz'zt himself.

- That Hideous Strength by C.S. Lewis: Somehow, wizards, aliens, giant floating heads, and the fate of Britain come together incredibly well.

- Conan the Barbarian Series: Always make sure you're reading the stuff actually done by Robert E. Howard, not LeSprague. It's not that LeSprague is bad, it's just that Robert E. Howard is a lot better. Any self-respecting male fantasy lover should flip through Conan at least once. The World of Hyborea is just so freaking epic; the villains are all villainous, the rogues are roguish, the demons are demonic, and the harem girls...ah, such harem girls! In the course of a single adventure, Conan usually hacks through a couple of warlords, demolishes a small army of cannon fodder, slices through a sorcerer and its demons, then ravishes the nearest princes/pirate queen/escaped slave girl, etc. A good start for any pulp fantasy reader.

- Frankenstein: Ah, nothing like the originals...

- Dracula: Keep your damned 'Twilight', you freakin' emos . I know where my loyalties belong.

- Dilvish the Damned: Don't be surprised if you haven't heard of this one. Like most great pulp fantasy, it got lost in the wake of Fritz Leiber and Conan. The gist is that Dilvish is a man returned from Hell after his banishment by a rampaging wizard. Now he's back, and is thoroughly pissed. Journeying across the world to find the sorcerer, Dilvish has handy devices on call. His elven boots make sure that he always lands on his feet, no matter what the height. At whim, Dilvish is capable of casting numerous epic-level spells that can destroy cities with a syllable. Oh, and he has a talking horse. That's made out of iron. From Hell. Yeah, just kind of point of conversation there. Trust me, this is more awesome than I make it sound. Amano, the man responsible for most of the 'classic' Final Fantasy art, actually drew some pieces of Dilvish and his horse, Black. And what's good enough for Amano is good enough for me.

- Elric of Melnibone by Michael Moorcock: I swear to God, if even one person mentions Full Metal Alchemist right now... There's a chance Elric might be more familiar to some of you. Another famous pulp hero, Elric has actually had a pretty big influence on modern fantasy. Elric was quite possibly the first to put the eight-sided star of Chaos (now seen in Warhammer) into use and indeed the entire Law vs. Chaos axis that you should be familiar with. He also has perhaps the most kick ass sword in all of fantasy, which doubles as one of the genre's most lovable villains; Stormbringer. See, Elric is the last of his Empire (the Melniboneans) and all that crap. However, he's physically weak; an albino with a very poor constitution. Enter Stormbringer: before Soul Edge and Nightmare, Stormbringer was suckin' souls and juicing up Elric way ahead of Namco's time. Stormbringer is a bit of a bitch though; it does require the blood and souls of sentient beings to thrive, and it seems to take particular glee in choosing Elric's friends and lovers. A wonderful series; pick it up as soon as you can, assuming you can find it.

- The Lady Penitent Series: A sequel series to War of the Spider Queen. Picks up a few years after where the War left off. This is even more cosmic than the War of the Spider Queen. At the current standing, several gods are dead, the truth about drow magic has been revealed, as well as the specific progenitor demon for the whole series getting killed (not Lolth...yet). I'm really liking this series so far.

So Let's All Go the Movies! Let's All Go to the Movies! Let's All Go to the Mooooooviiieeesss!!

The Thief and the Cobbler: Most of you probably haven't ever heard of this film. And if you have, you probably know it as 'Arabian Knight' or the 'Princess and the Cobbler'. This movie was produced by Richard Williams, the same guy who did 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit?'. It is, quite bluntly, the Magnum Opus of animation. Words simply cannot describe how wonderful this film, uncut mind you, is. By merely attempting to put it into words, I do it a dishonor. As sheer testament to its splendor, this film spent 30 years in Development Hell, growing constantly. It's scenes are...sublime. They would be difficult to create with computers, and yet, these were hand-drawn, read that, HAND-DRAWN, frame by frame. If nothing else, watch it for Sean Connery and Vincent Price's sake. Vincent Price is the giant blue wizard who speaks in rhyme. I ask you, how can you pass that up? In short, this is perhaps one of the single greatest animated films of all time.

Felidae: And this one is pretty close. A German film, it'll freak the Hell out of you, especially if you love cats. Featuring tremendous plot twists, liberal use of various synonyms for genital, mad scientists, a cat Jesus, gore, a soundtrack by Boy George, and a giant screaming nightmare Johan Mendel, this movie is a delightful crime story. Check it out along with Thief and the Cobbler (Recobbled) on YouTube. Why are you still here? Stop reading my crap and go there now!

Watership Down: And yet you remain...Another movie to see if you love gratuitous animal violence is Watership Down. Replace 'cats' with 'rabbits' and you're good. I'm gonna' warn you now though, this is Nightmare Fuel. And not just any Nightmare Fuel, this is Nightmare Fuel Unleaded. This is stuff that'll keep you up at night and sending canaries into your hall to make sure the rabbit Grim Reaper isn't waiting for you. But still, this is a great movie, along with the book and the T.V. Series, which incidentally has taken ALOT of liberties with original materials. All salute General Woundwort!

Lord of the Rings: Do I really have to explain this one? The standards of movie 'epic' have risen greatly as time goes by, and Lord of the Rings stands as the greatest of them all. Needless to say, it does have a certain order withing my heart:

Fellowship of the Ring: Better

The Two Towers: Best

The Return of the King: Good.

Star Wars: That is all.

Episode IV - A New Hope: Better

Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back: Best

Episode VI - The Return of the Jedi: Good

But wait, weren't there those three other Star Wars films? No, they don't exist, much like the Christmas Special. But assuming they did exist, they would be organized as such:

Episode I - The Phantom Menace: An affront to everything I value and hold dear (Bad).

Episode II - The Clone Wars: An abortion of cinematic and epic proportions/Goat sodomy/Consuming the fetus that grew inside my brain after this movie raped my mind (Worst).

Episode III - Revenge of the Sith: Sweet Jesus, why won't this hideous pain ever end for me (Worse)?!

Gone With the Wind: Regardless of your gender or age, you can appreciate this movie as one of the greatest classics of all time. Helps to be Southern, though. (Damn Yankees...) The lines are some of the most quoted in history, and the film itself is an enduring legend. Scarlet is simultaneously a bitch and the quintessential heroine. Of course, it is a bit racist. But this is beside the point. You want a feminist hero? Scarlet is THE feminist hero. She is all at once powerful and graceful. She worked in the fields, and has honed her sense of politics and business to a fine razor edge. Not all the credit goes to the ladies, though; almost any man who watches Gone With the Wind will almost instantly identify with Ret. But as for today's modern feminist 'heroes' (I'm looking at you, Belle Swan, you necrophiliac tart): Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

End of Evangelion: So godlessly depressing and angsty it would make Micky Mouse OD on crack just to get over it. And yet...you have to watch it. You have to know how it ends. And of course you're disappointed at the end, but to be fair, it seems in line with Evangelion's feel. Shinji hates humanity and destroys the world: meanwhile, Asuka is just bitchy enough to survive Nightmare Fuel Unleaded and the apocalypse just so she can crawl up on the beach and continue to insult Shinji. And in the end, Shinji still doesn't have the grapes to kill the littlest bitch queen, and just stares at Demiurge Rei's giant, blank, decapitated head for the rest of eternity. Roll credits; yeah, that sounds about right. What they don't show you is the part where Hideaki Anno got on an escape pod headed for Tatooine and screamed "FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU!" to every last Otaku who bitched, moaned, wrote death threats, and otherwise complained about episodes 25-26. It usually takes a while before it hits you that, yeah, you really should have just stuck with 25 and 26 as the ending. They made little sense, they were entirely symbolic and esoteric, and no one really knows what the Hell is happening outside of Shinji's little neurotic head, but when everything is said and done, you're left with the one, unkillable thing closest to a happy ending Evangelion can muster. You're left with hope. Shinji has come to accept himself and the world. There is hope for humanity, the brief hope that the world doesn't lie in the hands of anime's King of Ass Monkies. And maybe, just maybe, things will turn out all right.

End of Eva just blows that straight to Hell. On the plus side, there's nothing quite like watching the 01 bite Gendo in half, Shinji choke (and I mean really choke, not just a little grapple but really impaling her trachea on his thumbs and lifting her into the air with them in a blind rage) Asuka, and Fuyutsuki scream out "SWEET JESUS! IT'S AN ANTI-AT FIELD!" Ah, good times.

Spirited Away:Of course, my all time favorite Hayao Miyazaki film. Everything about this fillm is Miyazaki; random bits of Japanese folklore, and eco-friendly point of view, coming of age, childish romances, and a girl growing up in a surreal world. I just have to love this movie, I simply can't avoid it. It's like the anti-End of Eva. I guarantee that if you watch Spirited Away after End of Evangelion, you may not only resume being a balanced person, you may in fact forget become a better person in general. The last half-hour always gets me. My dialog for the scene in the sky can usually be traced as "Whatever happens now, I must not cry...I must...not..." And right about there I break down into overjoyed sobbing. There was a point in time where I was so obessesed with this movie, I watched it nightly and had certain scenes memorized. So if for some reason I start going, "TAKE THE GOLD! TAKE IT! TAKE IT!" You'll know what I'm talking about.

Princess Mononoke: Ah, one of old Hayao Miyazaki's best works. Shame that the Walt Disney of the East has decided to retire from the anime business. His son tried filling his shoes with the Earthsea movie. It didn't go so well...but back to the point. Everybody who claims to be a fan of movies, fantasy, or anime needs to see Princess Mononoke. Talking wolves, a James Earl Jones boar-god, and the night-walker stand particularly prominent in my memory.

The Nightmare Before Christmas: I think Neil Gaiman put it best; "Why can't all movies be like this?" FYI, I loved Nightmare at the age of six. The rest of you are just posers.

Labyrinth: David Bowie is a fairy! No, that's not right... David Bowie is a dancing fairy! That's still not right... Seriously, you -have- to watch this. The Magic Dance song Bowie sings will get stuck in your head for weeks. And the end is just so freakin' joyous...

Nosferatu: GOD DAMN IT I HATE TWILIGHT! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! That just happens sometimes... I just... lose control every now and then. Nosferatu is probably the first great vampire film. Loosely based on Dracula, Bram Stoker's widow actually had all the original copies burned over copyright issues. Only one copy survived. And with that copy, the face of cinema changed for the better. Count Orlock is perhaps my favorite vampire of all time, and is genuinely terrifying. Max Schrek, his actor, delivers a stellar performance guaranteed to send chills up your spine. A good companion piece is Shadow of the Vampire, which questions whether or not Schrek was actually a vampire. Remember; if you're a vampire, you don't have to look good. You just have to be good at what you do.

Flight of Dragons - Obscure is good. Your looking at a loyal team Omedon supporter all the way.

The Return of the King: - No, this isn't the Peter Jackson version. This is an animated one that came out in the late eighties. With singing. Yes, there was singing. Yes, it came from orcs. And yes, it is uproarious.

Stardust: - Some people weren't exactly fond of the movie over the book, but the rest of the world, myself included, usually like to say 'Piss off' to them. The movie is happier, funnier, more up-beat, and actually had Neil Gaiman on the team. This is just one of those feel-good movies. Maybe not some eternal classic, but something you keep in your collection to watch when you have a case of the grays. And besides: Rober DeNiro in drag. That is all.

V for Vendetta: - At this point in time, it's easy for me to understand how Alan Moore could hate this movie so much. The comic is better by leagues. However, I still love this movie. This is just one of those great movies that needs to be on every movie or comic buff's shelf. I don't really consider it to be the same as the comic; I prefer to think of it as an adaptation, like Stardust. Just incredible.

Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb: - "Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!"

That 10 Percent Worth Dying For...

Sturgeon's Revelation: 90 percent of all fiction (Fan or otherwise) is crap. The remaining 10 percent, however, is worth dying for.

Shinji and Warhammer 40K - No...words...Should have sent...a poet... I'm not going to lie to any of you. This is the single greatest piece of Fan Fiction I have ever read. -EVER-. I don't even know how to begin to describe it... I guess I could start with this; imagine Shinji had had a good childhood. Now imagine, that somehow, instead of neurotocism he's just insane. And instead of somehow pulling out the dark emotions of everyone he comes into contact with and then throwing them into a deep, self-destructive spiral, he makes them EPIC. There are psychic powers. There are ubiquitous Star Wars references. There is Gendo getting owned by elevators. There is Rei becoming...something so hilarious and terrific that telling you would be worse than spoiling the end of Watchmen. There are so many awesome and incredible moments complimented with astounding levels of detail that I actually started to cry in the middle of library through some chapters. And then there is Shinji, somehow unwillingly being pulled into a role as the God-Emperor of Humanity. (Key word is -unwillingly-.) I have officially accepted this as the Canon of Evangelion; the series was just a terrible what-if nightmare that was dreamed as Shinji wondered if he had never found that fateful black case. After the first few chapters, I was left with only one thing to say: Despair, and accept that nothing either you or I write will ever be as fucking awesome as even a single chapter of this Magnum Opus. The Emperor's hand guides us -ALL-.

Altered Destinies - A Shinji/Teen Misato fic that picks up after the fourth angel. Likes to claim it's poking at the question 'What if Shinji had something to fight for other than Gendo's non-existent affection?', but come on, we all know the truth. Misato just rules. Finishing this now, I can proudly say this is the story by which I'll be setting pretty much all of my more light-hearted Eva romances. An easy read, it flows quickly, and is purely addictive. I couldn't keep away from it! I don't know how else to describe it but sheerly great writing and great fun to read. And at the end, the very end, which is to say the Epilogue, I think it's best to quote the Tao of Willy Wonka: "Just remember what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he wanted, Charlie."_"What's that, Mr. Wonka?"_"He lived happily ever after!" People, I'm not gonna' lie; this may be, in fact, my favorite Eva fan-fic of all time. I know, I know, heresy to the Emperor, strike me down in to the Warp, etc., but the fact is this; this is the only fan-fic I have ever read through twice and still enjoyed it as much as the first time. I don't know, I haven't exactly finished Ikari Imperiax, so that may change, but to date... HEZ YEAH.

Shinji Just Snaps and Totally Wales on Everything - And speaking of Eva FanFics, this one is a personal favorite. The title is exactly what ensues. Satisfaction and hilarity guaranteed or Anno and Gainax personally re-write the whole series so it has a happy ending.

To Catch A Raven - All right. I'll admit it. I like Yuri. There, you got it out of me. But this is -so- much more. This by far the best Jinx/Raven story I have ever read. I wish I could describe it in sentences that aren't overflowing rivers of idiotic jubilation, but this fic genuinely makes me happy. The attention to detail; stupendous. The development; remarkable. The examination of my two favorite witches' relationship with each other; is there a word that force me to forget my masculinity and simply go 'SQUEE!'? Let's see; checking through the old thesaurus here... Bunyanesque, mastodonic, pythonic, titanic, unreal... Ah, here we go: pure dynamite. A must-read.

Black Flame - By one of my personal favorite authors, and a good friend of mine, EoEDaD, this is the story of Rorek, Malchior, and some rather interesting third parties that spiral off into numerous excellent sequels. I guess I'm really praising more of the author than I am the story, but Black Flame is where I started, and I hope it's where you start too. I'm glad to be a friend to the Empress of Evil Death and Darkness; it's nice to know that more than a single bit of the ten percent can come from one person.

Anything for Your Empire, Everything for You - A simply outstanding Jade Empire fic, the creme de la creme for the game's section. Especially good for all of us who like to play as Monk Zeng and cling on to Silk Fox. The extra details and dialog are in full sync with the original game. Indeed, I was under the impression for the longest time that more than one monologue was originally in the game and I had simply forgotten it. Ah, now that is a true testament to a good writer.

The Blood Oath Chronicles - Rarely does a story of such fantastic scale reach Epic status. Even rarer does it stay the king. I read Native Son. Then I read Blood Oath Chronicles. And to be honest, I don't think Native Son had a damn thing on Blood Oath Chronicles.

Come Undone - A Speedy/Raven pairing. What To Catch A Raven was for Jinx, Come Undone is to Speedy. Steady development, good character explanation, almost convinced me I don't have to be on crack to write romances, and finely honed details. Ah, magnifique!

The Knight and the Princess - So...heartwarming...Evil...melting...away...Whatever happens now...I must not cry...I must...not... Oh God, look away!

Children of an Elder God - I really, REALLY, have to begrudgingly recommend this one. It ended on a sour note for me. The story is a crossover of Evangelion and the Cthulhu Mythos, and it starts out GREAT. It's epic, it's creepy, the characters have all been redone but retain their personality, the monsters are handled well, and even the little romance sub-plot is adorable. Not only that, but the Evas and the pilots slowly begin to turn into their own Elder Gods, especially the Evas, which accumulate some of the features of each Outer God they kill (tentacles, wings, fangs, etc.). Seriously, this was AWESOME. And then... Hastur exited stage right. Right after Hastur leaves, things start going down-hill. And by the time it's done, you're left wondering where everything went horribly, horribly wrong. You just know nothing good can come of Y'golonac (Mythos god of perversity and lust) possessing Rei and capturing Asuka. I don't mean that like 'Uh-oh' as in a plot sense, I mean that as 'Uh-oh' as a reader that looks ahead, sees tentacle rape ahoy, and goes 'Really? That's the road this is gonna' take? Really?'. It's not like it collapsed under it's own mythos, but was absorbed by it. It's like the author looked at the combination of Evangelion (the angstiest mech show known to man) and H.P. Lovecraft (the angstiest set of monsters known to man) and said, 'Let's make this edgier, darker, and even angstier'. My biggest problem comes from the fact that the author seems to incorporate elements from August Dereleth's stories.

For those of you unaware, August Dereleth was one of the many writers for the Cthulhu Mythos. In fact, he's responsible for the coining the term 'Cthulhu Mythos'. Despite this, most Lovecraft fans (myself included) cheerfully refuse to admit that he exists. Why? Multiple reasons. For starters, his depiction of Cthulhu is just...wrong. As almost anyone can tell you, Cthulhu looks like a bipedal mix of octopus, dragon, and man. Dereleth's version... was a green blob with four tentacles. I'm not even kidding. Just a mound of green Jello with tentacles. This isn't actually a problem in Children, especially considering that the Big C doesn't show up all that much. The other two major problems do. One is the Greek elementalism aspect of the deal. Dereleth decided that each Outer God and Great Old One should be associated with one of the four classical elements; earth, water, wind, or fire. Okay, why not? Cthuga to fire, Shud'e M'ell to earth, Ithaqqua to wind; sounds reasonable so far. But then, there's one connection that blows the entire process straight to Hell: Cthulhu to water. Cthulhu, first and foremost, is not a sea creature. Not intentionally anyway, R'lyeh just sank. More importantly, water may be one of Cthulhu's very few weaknesses. The reason humans don't constantly hear Cthulhu's thoughts is because of water; it seems to block his powers. That's why the only time Cthulhu is active is when R'lyeh occasionally rises, because it's not blocked by the ocean. It's also the reason, I assume, that Cthulhu has so many Deep Ones as worshipers, so that he'll be able to operate beneath the sea, even if by proxy. And once you think about it, you realize just how little sense the Greek elementalism thing makes sense to begin with when talking about Outer Gods. What it comes down to is that our materials our foreign, possibly anathema, to the Outer Gods as much as they are to us. Cthulhu himself is made up of some foreign substance unrecognizable to man. Why would they correspond to begin with? The other fault is that Dereleth tried to introduce a little thing called 'morality' to the Mythos, claiming that the Elder Gods are all good, and the Outer Gods are all evil. This is so bad it's hard to describe. The Outer and Elder gods have no alignment, no perception of our concepts of good and evil. Truth be told, they're rather ambivalent toward us. They don't care about our existence, one way or another. Sure, some of the Outer Gods like Nyarlathotep and Y'golonac are dicks, but most of the time we bring their attention on ourselves. Humans do appear to be the only race in the Lovecraft Mythos stupid enough to -repeatedly- open the Necronomicon and try to interact with entities beyond space and time. And all through Children, I can't help but feel that the authors are following this same general line, that Elder Gods are the good guys and Outer Gods are evil or just random monsters.

Overall, I can't help but feel that once these elements started coming in, the story took a turn for the worse. Which is really a shame for such a promising fic. And I know that it's one of my commandments not to be a poisoner, but I can't help but feel that I could've done a better job. Why? Mostly because my knowledge of the Mythos isn't limited to THE MONSTER INDEX IN THE RPG CORE BOOK. Mine is at least limited to the Malleus Monstrorum (every monster and god from the Mythos in one place) and, especially, Secrets of Japan (the Mythos in the land of the rising sun). Right now you're probably saying, 'Yeah? Well put up or shut up! If you're so great, get you're fat ass out there and start writing!'. And that's why I -think- I could have done a better job. Put bluntly, I don't have the time, discipline, or devotion to do something like that. And more importantly, it is BEYOND pathetic to write fan fiction for a fan fiction. I mean omake and snippets are one thing, but a whole damn revamp? That's just sad. So I guess I'm staying over here for now. Unless I had some fan support and a crack team of assistants to help me (hintity hintity hint hint hint). My recommendation? Read until Hastur leaves and then stop. Trust me on this one. It's one of the greatest fan fics of all time right up until Hastur leaves.

Looking Back (and a Bit Forward)...

The Epic of the Arcanists: Prologue-Kresk - I'm not really sure what to say here. This is more or less my standard for all my epic fan-fiction. If a mult-chapter story ever proves to be half so successful as this one, then I can die happy. Err, so to speak. Writing this was an odyssey for me: long nights, watching the sunrise, nothing but a fresca and listening to the 80s station til' dawn. This was more of a spiritual experience than anything after a while. Now...it's hard for me to write anytime OTHER than at 3:00 A.M., listening to Cheap Trick, Adult Swim blaring in the background. Alas, things change... Still, my greatest creation.

Silence - I just wrote this one Saturday morning after finishing KotOR II. Like almost all fans, I was kindly pissed by the ending, or lack thereof. So I got on the computer, and three hours later this popped out. I really didn't have a full grasp of the Old Republic at the time, so considering Kreia a sith was a bit naive, I'll admit. But not soon after ideas for a new fic started bubbling in my head, and so this is where I entered the Old Republic scene.

This is My Father's World - This was originally supposed to be a quick fluff-shot, and I thought of it that way straight up until the publishing. Looking now, I have some serious spiritual stuff going through here, and probably too much symbolism for my own good. The title is based off the old hymn, 'This is My Father's World'. That should probably be an indicator right there that this is a lot deeper than I originally though it would be. For some reason, a lot of people thought I was implying Nihilus was Visas' father. No. Just no. Just stop that train of thought right there. I'm sorry if you thought that, but that is absolutely not what I was saying. Although knowing me I might have been saying Nihilus was Visas' father in a -metaphorical- sense and...I'm just going to shut up now.

Reunion - I am...-freakishly- amazed by how well this turned out. This has become my standard for one-shots. I mean, this thing is still getting hits and the (very) occasional review. This was supposed to be the conclusion of my Star Wars stories. It was originally going to be the conclusion of some long epic series involving the True Sith and the Unknown Regions, but that felt like it would take a hideously long time, and I wanted my happy ending -now-. See, the thing I've discovered is that if you have a plan for a fan fic, write it and publish it IMMEDIATELY somehow. Because if you don't, it will die, and all your plans will crumble to Hell as your once glorious original idea becomes like a dozen others in its section. And you -really- don't want that, do you? But I digress. I actually wrote this along-side an English essay. If you need any further evidence that writing at 3:00 A.M. with fresca, David Bowie, and Futurama re-runs works, here's the proof.

And Now for Something Completely Different - Not much to say here. This is just where I put all those stories from the Arcanists I just can't seem to shoe-horn in with the main plot. Along with the occasional holiday special and sudden burst of inspiration, I suppose. Each story goes as it goes, I guess.

To Dine in Hell - I'm gonna' be totally honest, I'm not all that happy with how this one is turning out. It's not just the lack of reviews and low hits, it's everything. The dark feel, the speeches on moral ambiguity, the epic scale... about the only part I do like is Sigil. I guess it stems from the fact that this was supposed to come after the Arcanists, which I kind of bailed out on. Without the Arcanists, this whole thing feels...shallow, incomplete, like I let a bit of myself died and I rode the corpse to get here. I don't know, maybe it's not having enough fresca and KISS. Maybe I just need to do some soul searching and quit being so damn preachy.

Alfar - Yet another Saturday morning one-shot. Wrote it after watching the season finale of Blood+. I can't believe it really took me three hours to actually write this thing... The tie-in to Norse mythology was kind of last-minute, I'll admit, but I feel it worked out well. This was where I started to develop a philosophy not too far off from Terry Pratchet. "Things just happen, what the Hell." While not my grandest creation, certainly one of my better ones, and I consider it my first real fluff piece.

Kiss - Another one I'm not all that proud of. I guess I wrote it just to wrap up my Visas/Exile fics. It's nowhere near as good as 'Reunion', Hell, probably nowhere near as good as 'Silence'. I think I tried reaching too far on this one. I was so determined to top 'Reunion', I didn't just jump the shark, I went back, picked up the shark, surgically attached wings on it, then sky-dived over the shark straight into a pile of cow manure. The best analogy I can think of is Blues Brothers and Blues Brothers 2000. Blues Brothers kicked ass on all sorts of levels. Watching Blues Brothers 2000... you get the feeling that they made the whole damn movie simply to break their record for largest car wreck scene in cinematic history. Along the way, you proceed to stab your eyes out of boredom and sheer idiocy.

My Black Hand Around His Throat - ...WHAT THE HELL?! WHY IS THIS DOING SO WELL?! I poured my heart and soul and blood and sweat in 'To Dine in Hell', and it gets beat like a squid at an octopus convention! But this, THIS, a little fan-fic I wrote in what amounts to forty five minutes over two days, a story that was supposed to be for a forums contest and probably would've won second place anyway, THIS turns out to be a hit?! How is that possible?! Why is that possible?! Why is this HAPPENING TO ME?! Kids, there's an important moral here. Being a good fan-fic writer helps you a long way. Good grammar, deep characters, complex storylines and sub-plots, kick-ass action scenes, believable dialogue, and sweet romances are all going to take you far. But here's the hideous truth: NONE OF THAT FUCKING MATTERS. Because in the end, you're not calling the shots. The Fan Fiction gods are. And the Fan Fiction gods must be crazy. There is no appeasing them, there is no prayer to gain their attention or ritual sacrifice to amuse them. It's sheer and idiotic blind LUCK that determines whether they deign to look down on a fan-fic and say, 'It is good'. All you can do is hope for the best. Until then, put on your ritual Elder God masks and pray to the fan-fic gods along with Cthulhu, Azathoth, and all the other Outer Entities.

The Epic of the Arcanists - You know, I'm not entirely sure WHY I bailed out on this one. No bad reviews despite being a ridiculous cross-over, a fair amount of hits and subscribers, plenty of creative space. Why the Hell -did- I drop this? That's it, screw it. You're hearing it from me. As soon as I'm done with 'To Dine in Hell' and my upcoming Dead or Alive stuff, I'm shocking life back into this thing with all my engines. And if any of you doubt that I can make a pseudo-arcane Teen Titans/Ed, Edd, N' Eddy/Code Lyoko extra-planar crossover work, up yours. Consider this: if I told you that I was going to be making a video game where Final Fantasy and Disney get crossed over, you'd say it was shit. But three Kingdom Hearts later, by God here we are.

The Falcon and the Crow - My Dead or Alive stuff. I feel...reasonably confident that it -might- do well. Like I said, it's not my call, it's the Fan Fiction Gods'. The moment, the -moment- I saw Ayane in Ninja Gaiden, I saw opportunity. I came here and was rather disappointed to find that very few others thought the same thing. Seriously, where are you people getting Kasumi for Ryu? The -movie-? I'm sorry, -the movie-? So, by extension, we can count the Van Helsing, Constantine, and Max Payne movies as canon as well? And hey, what the Hell, let's count that 1989 script for Watchmen in the mix as well. Yeah, it existed. And it hurt. It hurt BAD. (People who have actually read Watchmen, imagine this; you know that scene in Indiana Jones where the Nazis open the Lost Ark and their skin melts? Yeah, it's kind of like that. Except from the inside-out. And you never stop being aware of the pain. You don't die, you just suffer for eternity as you try to scrub the memory from your skull.) But I digress. It's not that I don't like Kasumi. Oh no, she's fine character. You know, if you're a little blonde girl with pig-tails named Cindy and DOA is your very first fighting game. But Ayane, on the other hand... Ayane's ending in DOA 3 made me cry. I tried lightening it up by humming the Star Wars funeral music in time with it, you know, the one that plays while Luke cremates Darth Vader? Guess what; it made it even more impossibly sad. And as I said, Ayane's my lucky lady in DOA. Haven't lost a fight with her yet. I actually lost more fights with Ryu (ironically against Kasumi). Why am I making such a big deal out of this? Because if you ever play Ninja Gaiden, you'll understand. This game is hard. And I don't mean 'ooh, gee' hard, I mean Nintendo hard. This is hard that transcends hard. This is a game so hard that even after an enemy is dead, you'll wail on his corpse for a couple of minutes just to ease the tension. This is throw the controller at the screen, scare the dog, and swear words that make your grandmother roll in her grave hard. This is the kind of game that leaves you on the ground, bleeding from where you scratched your face, crying, and quite literally saying 'I am GOING TO CRUCIFY THE DESIGNERS OF THIS GAME WITH BARB WIRE!' (although one of my variations was that I was going to ass-rape the producers to death, but once again, I digress). After that much pain, that much suffering, you grow close to a character, no matter what the video game. You wanna' know why Mario is Mr. Nintendo? Because after all that pain, most game-players look at him like a son, like a blood-brother. It's the same way with Ryu. This man died for you, bled for you, cried with you, went out and fought on the field with you. He deserves nothing less than the absolute best. And I give my soldiers the best... On the actual design notes; there's gonna' be a lot of Japanese folk-lore. Not mythology, folk-lore. I also plan on mercilessly mocking Kitsune and their place in pop-culture. Yeah, this could go either way... Interesting side note; did you know that Muramasa, the little Yoda sword-shop owner from Ninja Gaiden, is actually the son of Susano-O Mikato, the Japanese storm god? He apparently crafted a sword called Leaf-Cutter, named so because it was so sharp, when stood upright in the ground, it cut falling leaves in half as they descended. I'm not sure how or even -if- I'm going to tie this in considering I'm focusing mostly on Tengu and whatever I dig up in my books of folk-tales.

Quotable Quotes

' IT'S PEOPLE! SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OUT OF PEOPLE! - Charleton Heston

"Ah, listen to my children of the night! What music they make!" - Bela Lugosi

"...and in the layer of the Deep Ones, we shall dwell amidst wonder and glory forever." - H.P. Lovecraft

"And he said, 'Dance before us, atrocious nothing.'" - Fable

"Some people are heroes, some just clap as heroes walk by." - Jade Empire

"I...I don't believe it!"_"And that is why you fail." - Yoda

"...This is even more painful than it looks." - Homer Simpson

"I know a lovely little island just a few weeks off the coast!" - Prince of Persia, The Two Thrones

"Jar Jar, you're a genius!" - Darths and Droids

"Did you see those Warhammer online shots? More like World of Warhamer. Online. Craft."_"You never played tabletop games, so I'm going to cut you some slack. Just turn around, and walk away."_"But they're totally ripping Blizzard off!"_"Don't say another Goddamn word. Up until now, I've been polite. If you say anything else - word one - I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the Master of that dark place. From my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for you this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one. When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming - as though from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will grow above your bed, and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening maw, you will catch only a glimpse of my radiance before you are incinerated. Then, as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin. I will open one of my six mouths and sing the song that ends the earth." - Penny Arcade

"I'm no good guy. I'm the one that cleans up after them." - Aldran

"No one puts Richard in a corner." - Looking for Group

"… Here at least

we shall be free; the Almighty hath not built

Here for his envy, will not drive us hence:

Here we may reign secure, and in my choice

to reign is worth ambition though in Hell:

Better to reign in Hell, than serve in Heaven." - John Milton, Paradise Lost

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum." - Roddy Piper

"Why are our parents so bad at naming us?!"_"Hey! Shut UP! You want bad naming?! My wife's name is Mom! MOM! Do you know awkward that is?! How awkward that is during SEX?!" - Awesome Racer

"I'm back, baby." - Bender

"Cry havoc, and unleash the hounds of war!" - Julius Caesar

"There are some who call me...Tim?"- Monty Python and the Holy Grail

"Small, thin after-dinner mint?" - Monty Python and the Meaning of Life

"Badges? We ain't got no badges. We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinkin' badges!" - The Treasure of Sierra Madre

"Rosebud..." - Citizen Kane

"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." - Gone With the Wind

"Sweet Jesus, it's an Anti-AT field!" - End of Evangelion

"Your approval fills me with shame." - Roy Greenhilt

"I AM A SEXY SHOELESS GOD OF WAR!" - Belkar Bitterleaf

"But it's only one word! ONE WORD! How can a spell take up seven pages if it's only ONE WORD?!" - Vaarsuvius

"Bluff, Bluff, Bluff, Bluff the Stupid Ogre!" - Elan

"She's wearing red leather? I mean red leather?? OF COURSE she's evil!" - Haley Starshine

"I stay 'ere because it's me duty. And bein' a dwarf is about doin' yer duty, even if it makes ye miserable. ESPECIALLY if it makes ye miserable!" - Durkon Thundershield

"The term is 'smiting evil-doers', not 'bumping uglies'." - Miko Miyazaki

"I think I just had an evilgasm." - Xykon

"Die, you public service announcing bastard!" - Redcloak

"But why did you have to eat the bloody camera-man?! Why couldn't you drink someone useless, like the script girl?!"_"Ah, the script girl...I shall get to her later." - Max Schrek (Count Orlock), Shadow of the Vampire

The Tao of Willy Wonka

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

"So shines a good deed in a weary world."

"Just remember what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he ever wanted, Charlie."_"What's that, Mr. Wonka?"_"He lived happily ever after."

"Why? Having fun?"

"There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you'll be free if you truly wish to be."

"If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Anything you want to, do it. Want to change the world? There's nothing to it."

How to Play Internet Roulette

Step 1: Go to deviantART and search for your favorite TV show, movie, or character. If you are feeling brave, substitute deviantART with 4Chan.

"Heyyy! The Simpsons in anime!"

Give yourself one point for each piece of well done fan art.

If the character is human, subtract ten points for every piece of fan art that depicts them as an anthromorphised animal. If the character is already an animal, count the same for the opposite. Subtract another five points each if the above depiction includes another fandom and/or transgendering.

...The characters from Reboot turned into animals from the Lion King?!

Add twenty points for each page of results that does not contain same sex ("Slash") pairings.

JOHNNY FIVE NOOOOO!!

There are no winners.

Sonic..the Hedgehog...as a girl Robocop...in GAY STARFLEET!?

Why was that pertinent? Because these are my favorite bullets in the case:

Dead or Alive

- Ryu/Ayane - A lot of people like good old fashioned Kasumi. I'll admit, she has her charms. But Ayane... Ah, Ayane's just my lucky girl. I always win with her at Dead or Alive. Plus, I never really thought of Kasumi as a ninja. Oh, sure she was a ninja, but only in the same sense that Mowglie from the Jungle Book was a wolf. He had been raised by wolves, he had lived with wolves, wolves were his siblings and parents, he knew the ways of wolves, and indeed acted like a wolf, but a wolf he was not. And more importantly, when was the last time you heard of a bunch of god-damned wolves living in a jungle?! But I digress. I can see Kasumi's appeal though... she does have that entire lawful-good, innocence thing working for her. But the thing is... I'm not too fond of innocence. What I am a fan of are assasins, ninjas who act like it, winning, and the color purple. The moment I saw Ayane in Ninja Gaiden, I knew there was potential there. Potential that desperately needs to be cultivated. In my defense, Kasumi fan-boys (and girls, to an extent), does no one else here find it odd that Ayane helps Ryu along every step of the way? And that she just happens to be around wherever he is? And that she just happened to bring him mystical ninja artifacts? And that she just happened to follow him into the very heart of enemy territory, infested with demonic mutants/mutant demons, the enemy military, and an entire clan of rival ninjas? Nothing about that screams 'affection' to any of you? For God's sakes, she's even in the sequel! I see the major validity in the Hayate/Ayane line. But I see a lot more in Ryu. You just grow close to a character in a game that makes you stay up til' 3 A.M. screaming in a blind rage... and then makes you cry blood... and then leaves you gasping on the floor with the spear of Longinus through your chest gasping at you X-box 'I'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyou...'. I don't know; maybe if Hayate and Kasumi had their own games or at least co-starred in an RPG I might reconsider. But as it stands... This couple just gets me outright giddy. Team Tengu -forever-.

Knights of the Old Republic

- Revan/Bastila - A disturbingly -rare- couple. Come on guys, I know you're out there. I cannot possibly be the only person who played as a male in the first KotOR. Why then, WHY MERCIFUL CRYSTAL DRAGON JESUS SON OF MARY, are there so many damn Carth fics? It can't all be fan-girls. There's no way KotOR has that many fan-girls, right? Why, then, do people like Carth? He's not that handsome; in fact, there are times when he talks that I often drift off into imagining ripping off his own stubby Generation X goatee and choking him with it. That's the only reason I can -bear- to conceive of. Some of you are probably mentioning another reason, something along the lines of 'He's complex' or 'He has good character development'. Stop now. Please. If you don't, I will be driven into a blind fury and start thinking about Carth. Carth...with his annoying whiny voice and his scraggly BEARD AND HIS CONSTANT EMOTIONAL NEEDINESS AND HIS FRAKKING STUTTERING AND THE WAY THE GAME STOPS JUST TO MAKE YOU TALK TO HIM AND GOD DAMNIT HE'S NOT COMPLEX! YOU WANT COMPLEX? KREIA! KREIA WAS COMPLEX! KREIA HAD COMPLEXITY COMING OUT OF HER BAGGY OLD ASS BY THE GALLON! I mean for God's sakes, she made Malachor V worth it! Kreia made the whole damn game worth it! I re-play KotOR II just so I can have Kreia in my party! (panting...) Okay, I'm sorry. I just had to get that off my chest. The fact is, I just like Bastila alot more. And I'm not just saying that as a guy. For starts, Jedi in general rule. Second, it's canon, and while I do like to put canon on my knee and spank the Hell out of it sometimes, there are other times I would die to preserve it. Now is one such time. Third, the game explicitly states that you and Bastila have a special bond, a connection, a need for one another, regardless of your gender. She's the hallmark of the game, Hell, she's practically the signature character for the entire Old Republic era. She's not complex, nor do I make any claims that she is. She's the stereotypical Ice Queen who you have to melt. But she's just so cute when she gets angry...

- M Exile/Brianna or Mira - Holy shit?! Someone wrote a Male Exile fic?!

- M Exile/Visas - As you may or may not have noticed, I'm an incredibly strong advocate of this couple. Always have been, always will be. I can't explain why I'm so fond of Visas. A lot of it comes from the fact that between her and the Handmaiden, Visas was the one with the cojones to step forward and tell you she loved you. The part where you and her look at each other in Force vision is about the closest thing you get to a kiss in KotOR II. But just think about it for a second; think of what an incredibly intimate moment that is for Visas, how much it means for her to see you how she wants. I'm not gonna lie, the other reason I like Visas is for her voice; damn, Kelly Hu has a sweet tone. Between her and Sarah Kestleman at Kreia, they made up for a lot of lost content. But overall, Visas strikes me as the more tragic and likable character. I have no explanation for why I like this couple. I just do. It's as natural to me as a beat of my heart. Huh, when the Hell did it get this slow?...

Evangelion

- Misato/Shinji - I've just recently discovered how fond I am of this couple, and all the little delicious plots it ensues. I don't care how it's done; Shinji gets older, Misato gets younger, or Hell, they stay the same and the Oedipus Complex is played so hard that old Rex himself marches off Olympus and beats everyone's ass. Whatever your method, Misato stands as my favorite character. There's a lot of complexity beneath that porcine demeanor, and an actual need to help protect not just Shinji, but the world around her. Knowing that she packs heat as a soldier and drives Lupin III's car helps, though.

EDIT: Okay, so maybe I was being a little hard on Asuka there. The truth is, Asuka was probably my favorite pairing before Misato, and my favorite of the 'Canon' pairings. And when you just look at the sheer mass, the sheer collected number of epics written about Asuka... Well just, damn... I mean. WOW. No other words for it, just WOW. Especially to the fantastic fic, The Second Try. The prologue alone just melts your heart.

Blood+

- Haji/Saya - Sorry, mortals and vamps alike. You just got trumped by the guy who beats up blood-drinking mutants with a cello case.

Teen Titans

And here we go...

- Jinx/Raven - Yes, I like yuri. I said it once and I'll say it again. I like yuri. I hold no shame now. But that's beside the point. I'm a mage fan. What can I say? Always have been, always will be. So needless to say, my favorite Titan is and always will be Raven. The DC universe is full to the brim with magic. Don't believe me? Check out a series called the -Books of Magic- by Vertigo. So two mages, ah, now that is to be some good fun. So this, this just came naturally. What can I say? Magic cat-girls and half-demons work for me.

- Malchior/Raven - And here's the alternative. This is the couple that actually got me into Fan Fiction to begin with. Of course, things changed over time, but I'll always hold a soft spot in my heart for this pairing.

- Jericho~Aqualad~Speedy~Kid Flash/Raven - Ah, the redheaded step-children of pairings. Gotta stand by the little man, you know? And canon...well canon can quite kindly kiss the fattest and coldest part of my dead old fat ass, thank you very much.

(You know, looking over this list, I can't help but notice a disproportionate amount of these women have purple hair. Now ain't that a co-inky-dink? In a weird, fetish kind of way...)

They're graphic novels, not comics, damn it!

Let me start by saying: I do not, and have not read any manga. And I don't intend to. I will die a happy man as long as I never read a single manga in my entire life. So deal.

Watchmen: If I have to explain this to you, you don't deserve to be alive. BEST. COMIC. EVER.

Maus: Possibly responsible for the entire revolution of comics into graphic novels as we know it. That is all.

Sandman: This just has to be read to be understood. The surrealism and epic scope of the stories are amazing. Watchmen wasn't the movie that could never be adapted: Sandman is. If you don't cry during 'The Wake', YOU HAVE NO SOUL.

Lucifer: The original bad-guy has so many crowning moments of awesome it's hard to know where to begin. If Sandman was epic, than Lucifer is COSMIC. Perhaps my favorite comic series, even over other Vertigo stuff.

Hellboy: Mike Mignola never ceases to amaze me. The art is the real attraction here, with the story-line and mythical references not to far off. Remember kids: H.P. Lovecraft, nazis, vampires, and robots is the ultimate combination for a great story.

BPRD: The spin-off series for Hellboy. Everyone else has their own problems, including an army of frog-men, were-jaguars, elder gods, more robots, nazis, and vampires, and a rogue wendigo possesing a mid-western hunter. The story-line and characters finally catch up to the art here. While not done by Mignola, that is perhaps for the best. The new art invokes a feeling of creeping, vermin, fear, and sometimes decay.

Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser: Oh, Mike Mignola. Will you ever cease to amaze us? Mignola's adaptation of Fritz Leiber's classic pulp-fantasy duo. He actually considers it his best pre-Hellboy work.

Me and My Old Timed Religion (You can go on and skip this, if you want...)

Just so we're out in the open, I'm a Methodist. For those of you who don't grasp that, Methodism is more or less moderate, main stream protestantism. And by protestantism, I mean Christianity. As in I acknowledge that Jesus Christ is the Son (avatar) of God, died for my sins, and is my personal Lord and Saviour. Why didn't I just come out and say Christianity? Mostly because I really don't think of myself is that good a Christian. I blaspheme (a lot), I swear, I sin, I frequently take the Lord's name in vain, with glee, and once I offered up some sweet tea to any spirit in the world that would have it. It was over a girl...don't ask. Other than that, I'm really layed back. See, that's the great thing about Methodists; our motto is pretty much 'Everything in Moderation'.

Are you gay? What the Hell do I care, as long as you aren't doing any, y'know, ACTUAL sins. Did you have an abortion? I'm gonna' let you off with a 'try to avoid that in the future'. Do you not believe in God? Well, I'm sorry to hear that...but, to each his own. I'm easy like Sunday morning. Actually, Sunday morning's a bitch; you were up til' five A.M. last night, possibly hung-over or stoned, and you may or may not be sleeping on the floor with some of your clothes missing.

I don't believe in pushing my religion on to other people. Everybody has to find God in their own way, you know? It doesn't matter what they call him, or how they see him, he's there, in all the world. 'God is love' is more than just a saying, it's truth. Reversibly, Love is God. Whatever makes you love the world and all it's people is your way of finding God.

I don't like Christian Rock. There, I said it. Alright, I like some...in very small amounts. Personally I'd rather be listening to some MANOWAAAAAAAAR! METAL FOR THE METAL GODS, BITCHES! FATHER ODIN, HEAR ME! WAAAAAAGGHH! Ahem... sorry. That just happens sometimes. The thing is...there's only about ten songs repeated endlessly by different bands. Am...am I the only one who notices the hymnal under the chairs? You know, the one filled with 500 songs? We can't adapt one of those?!

I do not believe Christianity is the most oppressed religion. Not by a long-shot, not even a little. We still run the scene, man. At this point in time, the world's most oppressed religion is probably Islam. And where's this hatred for Jews coming from? Why the Hell is my own religion so callous and ignorant? Did no one else hear Jesus, when he was up on the cross mind you, when he said "Father, forgive them."? Did no one else hear that? No one else? How about those books after the Ascension? You know, those ones where the prophets and the disciples all say, "Yes Jesus has come, gone, and will come again, but the Jews are still God's chosen people. I repeat, the Jews are still God's chosen people so treat them with respect and love." Yeah, those books. There were like, six, at least. Or did everyone just skip over to Revelations to make themselves feel better?

I believe in evolution. Charles Darwin is one of my heroes. Deal.

Don't try to dissuade me. Life and my own common sense already tried to dissuade me. You won't do any better. And don't try to make me any less liberal either. Yeah, that boat's just not gonna' sail.

Well, looks like it's about time for me to get off my soap box. Praise Mohammad/Buddha/Jesus, y'all!

Look into this crystal ball that I got off of someone else's profile. PROOOFIIILE!

1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex.

2. Which is your favorite color of red, black, blue, green, or yellow?

3. Your first initial?

4. Your month of birth?

5. Which color do you like more, black or white?

6. Name of a person the same sex as yours.

7. Your favorite number?

8. Do you like California or Florida more?

9. Do you like the lake or the ocean more?

10. Write down a wish. (A realistic one...)

Are you done? If so, scroll down. Don't cheat: that's just begging for some bad mojo...

THE ANSWERS

1. You are completely in love with that person.

2. If you choose:

Red - you are alert, and your life is full of love.

Black - You are conservative and aggressive.

Green - Your soul is relaxed, and you are laid back.

Blue - You are spontaneous, and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.

Yellow - You are a very happy person, and give good advice to those who are down.

3. If your initial is:

A-K - You have a lot of loves and friendships in your life.

L-R - You try to enjoy life to the maximum, and your love life is soon to blossom.

S-Z - You like to help others, and your future love life looks good.

4. If you were born in:

Jan. - Mar.: The year will go very well for you, and you will fall in love with someone totally unexpected.

Apr. - Jun.: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last, but the memories will stay forever.

July - Sept.: You will have a great year and experience a major life-changing experience for the good.

Oct. - Dec.: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your soulmate.

5. If you choose:

Black: Your life will take on a different direction. It will seem hard at the time but it is the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.

White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.

6. This person is your best friend.

7. This is how many close friends you have in a lifetime.

8. If you choose:

California - You like adventure.

Florida - You are a laidback person.

9. If you choose:

Lake - You are loyal to your friends and your love, and you are very reserved.

Ocean - You are spontaneous and like to please people.

10. Your wish will come true only if RE-POST THIS BULLETIN IN ONE HOUR, and it will come true before your next birthday.

If you think copy-and-pasting is stupid, copy and paste this into your profile... idiot.

If you're a bigot, get out of my site. We don't serve your kind here...

Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up every night with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever know. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that put me into a coma for three weeks, and in another year I may be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out that we wanted to rent a one bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I don't want management to get called on me.

I am the mother who is not even allowed to visit the child I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out that my abusive partner is another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was a transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not always have to deal with society hating me.

I am the person who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed the doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents that he is in love with another male.

MUSIC MOVIE:
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. DON'T LIE.

Opening Credits:
Goodnight Moon - Shivaree

Birth:
Finale, Act Two; Soon As We May - From Iolanthe by Gilbert and Sullivan

First day at school:
Finale (Reprise) - The Nightmare Before Christmas

Falling in Love:
Also Spake Zarathustra - Strauss (I'm almost positive this and the one above should have been mixed up.)

Fight Song:
Superstar - From Jesus Christ Superstar by Andrew Lloyd Webber

Breaking Up:
The Oogie Boogie Song - From Nightmare Before Christmas (The Hell?...)

Prom:
I Want You - Bob Dylan

Life:
John 19:41 - From Jesus Christ Superstar by Andrew Lloyd Webber

Mental Breakdown:
Come Together - The Beatles

Driving:
Paradise By the Dashboard Light - Meatloaf (Awesome.)

Flashback:
Suite Bergamasque, L 75; Claire de Lune - Debussy

Wedding:
Rhapsody in Blue (Finale) - Gershwin

Birth Of Child:
If Your Anxious For To Shine - From Patience by Gilbert and Sullivan

INTERMISSION

Final Battle:
Any Way You Want It - Journey

Death Scene:
Happy Adoption Day - John McCutcheon

Funeral:
Piano Sonata #14 in C Sharp Minor, Op. 27/2 "Moonlight"; 1 Adagio Sostenuto - Beethoven

End Credits:
A Hard Rain's A-Gonna' Fall - Bob Dylan

Public Communications

Mortal dudes and dudettes, please direct all your questions here.

My Soap-Box

- One day, you are all going to realize that you are surrounded by morons. On that day, I will not come to help you.

On all sides, I am surrounded. They are everywhere. Hideous mewling parasites, filthy little insects with minds that cannot begin to capture the genius of the Utopia that lies before them. I see it all around me; attention whores and porno dealers, vomitting constantly the same endless stream of filth and shit, over and over again. I thought I once knew what horror was. I thought I had looked into the eyes of deformity through my own blood-rimmed tears. I was wrong. What I saw was only the physical manifestation of the plague that even now works its way through my heart, and within it's own soul this monster was everything that I could have ever loved and held as pure. It was design and originality, bravery and anarchy crying through the hot night. But it's physical form is what is around me: filth and maggots and perversion and sickness and slime and disease, nothing but talking cancers, their tongues moving in a rhythm they cannot predict. All the while, leeches and beetles readily lap up the vomit like it is sweet nectar, blind to their own epidemic. There is no substance in this wave of shit, there is no form. Looking upon this void, this roiling chaos, this entropy, order cannot be placed upon it, as the monster consumes its own creations of evolutionary design. They fear change, they hate the drums of progress. If they could work their will, they would have us marching back to the Dark Ages, banners raised high in glorious defeat. They twist and mutilate potential into a hideous design to conform to their own miserable, suicidally plain lives. Walking as corpses through the day, they know no pride, they know no thought, they only know fear and the masturbatory self-delusion of success at each progression of their devolution. They do not know what beauty and glory and goodness are. They illusion themselves to believe they are the dreamers when they are figments of the mind of a demiurge. Stagnant they grow, reeking of dry urine and crusted feces and semen from their own bodies, decaying the world and filling it with a stench that poisons and kills all that inhales it. They cannot even fail, for failure is unique, and powerful, and moving. No, they only want to occupy your time as you rot and they lay their larvae into your spine so they may crawl through you and make you one of their thralls. Look now, for it is happening to you. The hard gray is taking over your soul, until soon you too will only be a two dimensional character in a flat world, with no knowledge of the heavens above or the hells below. It pours now, ever faster, moving quicker and quicker. The vomit and semen and blood goes nowhere, only rises to their own knees, drowning them long after they realize they are dead. It clogs the drains and grates and sewers, crusting it, turning them into prison gates. And so, one day, one day, they will look up to the sky and shout 'Save us!', and I'll whisper, no, not whisper, laugh and scream and shout and dance in my glorious triumph "NO!"

I am, of course, talking about the vast majority of fandom.

- I am a lone voice of insanity within a wilderness of reason. There are so many false voices, so many false prophets who spew lies and think they know what the true sound of madness is. They are fools, asses, and worse. They are vermin crawling through the dirt, convinced that their trail is a sign from providence. They are wrong. For if they were truly the voice of insanity, they would understand. My madness is not quirkiness, not acting or little eccentricities that I post on my profile, not talking to myself or pretending to hear and see that which is not there. No. Mine is the madness of the divine. For mine is the madness called creation, evolution, and the breach of the horizon to see that which no man has ever seen before. And they... they are only swallowing their own dirt to until they die. I am not truly alone. I hear other voices like mine. The same, but different. And that is what makes them beautiful. They know who they are, even if nobody, even myself, has told them. The rest... all hear stagnation.

- Y'know what I hate? Listen to that phrase. Got it memorized? Good. Because this is gonna' be the first of many a tirade that begin with those words. But y'know what I hate? High school fics. All of them. Every last one. I am convinced that any soul that writes a high school fic is so far gone from humanity and the light of creation that they can't even say the word 'invent'. What retarded ape looks at a franchise and says, "Hey, this needs to be in High School!" That's it, you miserable leech. Suck the last pieces of creativity and wonder, the few bits of imagination and splendor out of story to feed your own empty gullet. It won't make a difference; you are the Qlippoth, the Hollow Ones, just one of many at least. No matter how much you devour, it'll never be enough, never fill the void of your gut. That's it, take a perfectly wondrous and incredible thing, and put in your own perception of the piss-stained Hell that I endured in my later teens. And it won't be a perception of any known high school; fuck no, it'll be some little utopia called 'Fan-Bitch High', where every stereotype and clique abound. It'll either be some Disney-esque brothel of exuberance or else an angst-ridden den of lost hope. Well fuck both versions I say. Fuck 'em straight to Hell. Because both come out of some delusional ignoramus' mind stunted and still-born. The Musical bull that is the first example, that road to Hell paved not with good intentions but manga. Who makes that? Who believes that? Who is so ignorant and naieve that they think the world is some paint-by-numbers realm of primary color? Well I'll tell you who; the desperate. Little people with little dreams and little visions. You aren't telling an even half-accurate story, because you've forgotten the crucial element; you forgot the leftovers. You forgot the wimps and simps and geeks and freaks and nerds and turds. You forgot all the people that the elite and the mediocre step on every day without so much as a second thought. And why did you forget them? Because YOU ARE ONE. You're here with me and the all the rest of us. So guess who's above you. And you, whiny emos who do nothing BUT remember them. You're in the same wrong. There are people above you, there are people below you, and there is genuine good and true love and charity. And here's the big shocker for you, the one that's going to scare the living shit out of you. People love you. There are honestly people that love you and hope for your best. You're just too busy wandering in your own narcissistic psychosis, masturbating to your own 'brooding' self image to notice. High school is about teaching a life lesson, and I learned this one fast. The world is neither, it's both. I can't express the disgust I feel for these stories, the hatred that boils within me when I see them uncalled for. If it's natural, I may accept it. Which is to say it's following aging characters. But when the entire franchise is shrugged for no reason... I hear the Hounds of Hell baying for vengeance. Because this isn't a story, it's a mystery entitled 'The Murder of Wonder'. The victim was imagination, creation, evolution, and her other names. The murderer was a thuggish brute of a terrible gait called 'fandom'. He closed in on her before she could scream and choked her to death. He stunted the growth, the glorious form that would have emerged had she lived, cut it back and finally killed it mercilessly. So listen to me. LISTEN TO ME. NOW. You have to remember something, Children of the Night. You have to read those hallowed words at the very top of this page: "UNLEASH YOUR IMAGINATION". And that is the truth. Avoid these lies, these masqued orgies of decay that I call 'High School Fics', avoid them like the plague! Use your imagination! Use your thoughts and your words! Dream! Dream farther and higher than any man has ever dreamed before! Your skull is like an egg, containing a beast unlike any the world has ever seen, waiting to be born! Let it hatch! Let it be free! Nurture it, tend to it, give it sweet care, and protect from axes and barbed wire that snares. And some day, it will become the most beautiful thing you have ever seen, letting you soar on your own wings, shedding that color that God shed at the dawn of time, the shade of creation! Break all boundaries! Acknowledge a box only so you can think outside it! And I guarantee that you may yet produce something in another human being that has long been absent from the world; wonder.

- It's summer as of now. At this precise moment, nobody, myself included, has any fucking reason to -not- write FanFiction.

- You haven't broken me. You've almost broken me, but not yet. Oh no. I'm still alive, do you hear me? I'm still standing. I'm still here shouting alone in the wilderness like a madman. And I'm not going to back down, I'm not giving up. I'll just have to get tougher with you. This line, this line and no further, I won't let you cross this line. I'm going to stay here, I'm going to stay right here and fight for this lost cause. And I don't care what it takes, but as long as I have life in my body, as long I have strength flowing through me still, YOU WILL NOT BREAK ME. I'm going to grit my teeth and fight, fight for the right to think, to believe that dreams can come true, to believe that humanity can still dream, that somewhere in this god-forsaken patch of shit called life, there are more dreamers, people who look outside their windows and see the cosmic wheels moving. I believe that we can do better. Stand up! Stand up! For God's sake, get mad! Get happy! Do something! DREAM! Because I can't do it alone, but if I have to try then I guess I'll try. But you will not BREAK ME.