Who, Me? Well, my name is Emily and I guess i'm a pretty decent human being. Music is pretty much my life and I hope to major in it in college. My life's dream is to be a high school band director, so I guess that makes me fairly pathetic (in a good way, of course.) I'm generally a complete and total geek and as such am prone to geeking out about plenty of things! I love fishing and it's pretty much what I do all summer. I am one of those silly people who are in love with love, and so I guess you could say that I'm a hopeless romantic, but not a wussy emo. I'm in love with just about every English actor except for Hugh Grant, whose appeal I will never understand. I don't like to talk about religion or politics much because I think that people should just get along with each other regardless of their opinions. But I'm not a hippie. Hippies can all just... go get stoned or something. Yeah.
I use the last names of Coffin and Tower a lot in my fics; neither of which is even close to my own last name. They're ancestral names of a branch of my ancestors that populated the various British Colonies in the 18th century; the Towers generally hail from the Caribbean and the Coffins hail from Nantucket and the Eastern Seaboard of the US. My own last name is unpleasant.
This is just to say that Akasha Vampire Queen Sucks. I always wondered why half the other writers on this site have something like this on their profiles, and then she reviewed one of my stories and I understood.
Admiral Tallest: "Commodore Norrington, I'm giving you a special model of the Standard Intelligent Lovely Leftenant Extraordinaire To Torment Enemies, or SILLETTE for short. But this one's special. His name's GILLETTE."
"Gillette: "GILLETTE, reporting for duty."
Norrington: "Gillette? What does the G stand for?"
Gillette: "I don't know..."
Norrington: "He seems... stupid."
Admiral Tallest: "He's not stupid, he's ADVANCED!""
-The voices in my head
"Stop talking about sexy men." -massa rees
"It comes in pints?" -Pippin
"ABANDON YOUR PANTS!" - what Denethor would say if the world was just.
98 PERCENT OF TEENAGERS HAVE TRIED SMOKING POT. IF YOU'RE ONE OF THE 2 PERCENT WHO WERE TOO HIGH TO REMEMBER WHAT THEY WERE SMOKING, COPY THIS INTO YOUR PROFILE.
If you have ever pulled on a door that said "Push" or vice versa paste this into your profile.
If you cried when Norrington died, paste this into your profile.
IF YOU ARE A MEMBER OF People Eating Tasty Animals, or PETA, COPY AND PASTE THIS INTO YOUR PROFILE.
IF YOU ARE AGAINST ANIMAL ABUSE BUT FOR FUR, MEAT, AND OTHER WONDERFUL THINGS, PASTE THIS INTO YOUR PROFILE.
IF THE CHARACTERS YOU DROOL OVER AND THE CHARACTERS YOUR FRIENDS DROOL OVER COME FROM DIFFERENT GENERATIONS, PASTE THIS INTO YOUR PROFILE.
Smoking takes an average of 10 years off of your life. Fortunately, it's usually the ten years you spend peeing your depends and wandering around the neighborhood while your frantic grandchildren look for you.
Name? Emily Elizabeth Neiley (Or Lexie Concord onstage, if ya know what I mean.)
Were you named after anyone? My great great grandmother.
Do you like your name? Fuck no. I go by Sophie at school.
Were you adopted? Nuupe.
Siblings? Two younger cuntbuckets.
Eyes? Uh, greenish brown.
Hair Color? Dyed red
Height? 5'9" and built like a tank. Corsets for the motherfucking win.
Hobbies? Writing, music, fandom in general, art, bike riding, and getting super high.
Fondest Moment? When professionals complement my original fiction.
Proudest Moment? Finishing my first moment.
Choice of Indulgence? Really good pot.
Black or White? black.
Pink or red? Red.
Blue or Light Blue? Blue.
Die or Kiss a Spider? Kiss a spider. DERP.
Die or Lose Your Hearing? Lose my hearing.
Dogs or Cats? Cats. I hit dogs on my bike.
Hugs or Kisses? Wild sex on the dining room table.
Happy endings or sad and depressing endings? Happy endings, although they rarely happen.
Summer or Winter? Summer.
Favorite Smell? High quality marijuana?
Favorite song? Caramelldansen.
First thing you notice in a guy? Whether or not he's a cockbasket?
Last thing you ate? Ham, eggs and cheese-- the three foods to eat when you need to be sober enough to drive within a few hours. DON'T DRIVE DRUNK, KIDS. YOU WILL DIE AND TAKE SOME INNOCENT SOUL OUT WITH YOU. Seriously, getting wasted is fun, but have some fucking sense, will you? Do chores when you're high! Do your stupid worksheets when you're drunk! Don't do stupid shit and get caught, it gives us stoners a bad name!
Last person you talked on the phone with? My mom, who somehow missed the fact that I was slurring my speech.
Last Thing You Purchased? Cocktail mixers.
Last Thing you said? What the FUCK, dude! Skadron would TOTALLY have his pants off.
Last Movie you saw at a movie theater? Fuck if I remember.
You wear glasses or contacts? Reading glasses on occasion.
Hat size? Fucked if I know.
Shoe size?11
Least favorite part on your body? My huge freaking gut. Again, Corsets are Amazing.
Least favorite part about yourself? My tendency to gain weight really easily; I'm actually at normal weight right now after losing 30 pounds over 4 months: HEALTHY WEIGHT LOSS. DO IT RIGHT OR GTFO.
Least Favorite Food(s)? Mustard must die.
Least favorite clothing company? The expensive ones.
Favorite clothing company? Target, without a doubt.
If you were a crayon what color would you be? Army Green.
Do you think you are strong? I KNOW I'm strong.
Do you think you are pretty? Sweetie, I was the town bicycle in high school and I'm gonna be a burlesque dancer through college. I KNOW I'm pretty.
Do you think? I think all the time.
Would you bungee jump? Fuck no; I'm afraid of heights.
Would you become a vegetarian? Done it, but I do like meat.
Would you dye your hair a different color? I wanna go purple. Right now, it's bright red. I could probably do green or blue.
Would you go skinny dipping? Uh, DERP? Oh, the Senior Trip was so much fun.
When was the last time you cried? Probably a few months ago.
When was the last time you hit someone? Kicking Kate off of smokers' hill in April.
When was the last time you were on fanfic? I've been gone writing my novels for a few months.
What do you hate the MOST? Crying/Barfing when I'm drunk and giving away cigarettes.
Who do you hate the most? My sisters and L. Ron Hubbard.
What else do you hate the most? Scientology, hangovers, people who are acting like the POTC fandom is SERIOUS BUSINESS even though it's like, a year and a half later, most of the House MD fandom even though the show is awesome, Mysogyny, the way I spell when I'm drunk, and scene kids.
What are you wearing right now? My white polka dotted chemise, my black corset, and my purple pinstripe button down shirt.
What are you listening to right now? Psalms of Ra. Obscure Jewsic for the win, y'all.
What ice-cream flavor do you like the best? Cookie dough. Eaten off of Sergeant Carrings.
What is your favorite chocolate company? That one that makes the chili pepper one.
Do you have kids? I'm actually not sure at the moment, but I'm not planning on it.
Do you unite your shoes after wearing them? I throw them on the floor and say "Fuck it."
Do you use sarcasm? Always! It's the spice of life.
Do you swear? No SHIT.
MY FIRM BELIEFS ABOUT BEING A GOOD FAN OR FANGIRL
This is where I rant about everything.
Respect the actors--lust after/hate the characters. I hold the really good actors (Jack Davenport, Johnny Depp, Jason Isaacs, Kiera Knightley, etc.) in awe. And here's the really cool thing-- they're NOT their characters. For instance, you will always think of certain actors as that one character. That is not a good thing for the actor.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I don't actually lust after Jack Davenport or Johnny Depp or Jason Isaacs with all of my hormones. The characters they play, however, may or may not be fair game depending on what they look like(really!), their character, whatever. The characters are the ones who populate the myriad little universes that I create in my warped, bipolar/autistic mind. And, because they're fictional, I can have them do whatever the hell I want, within reasonable bounds.
Which brings me to another subject-- keeping in character. If a character is a cold-hearted sociopath who kills whoever gets in his way, he is not going to get in a nauseatingly affectionate relationship with a girl who mouths off to him all the time. If a character is a slightly immature, fairly horny lowlife who doesn't have access to available women for much of the year, yeah, chances are he would come on to a reasonably attractive girl who thinks he's hot. (uh... I'm not talking about Tavington and Cap'n Jack here AT ALL.)
And my rant continues! This time- what is a Mary Sue? OFCs make the fanfiction world go 'round. The really bad ones are what I call Mary-Sues. You know-- the silver-haired, psychic pop star named Siri-chan even though she's not Japanese that somehow manages to turn Snape into teh-warm-and-fuzzy-goodness! NO. NOT. FREAKING. HAPPENING. It really offends me when people say "Gasp! Your OFC has managed to survive thus far and is in a relationship with a handsome main character! MARY SUE!"
No. She isn't.
A well written OFC usually has one special power: Common Freakin' Sense. She doesn't mouth off to the officer who's sticking a gun in her face, she doesn't try to get in a sword-fight with a man that CAN'T DIE, she doesn't mock the Death Eaters, she stays the hell away from anybody afilliated with Morgoth, she runs like hell when the orcs start approaching, and she doesn't make herself obviously known. They can have whatever (normal) hair color they want-- and if it's dyed, it's going to wash out eventually. "Red" usually suffices, as do "Blonde-ish" or "Brown" or "Brownish Black". Eyes? Keep it human, please. Round pupils, standard colors. If they change (I know mine do) they usually change between two fairly normal colors, and don't do so with moods. And body types! "Skinny" usually works well for girls who are in a situation where they need to fight, or if they're poor. This does not mean they have breasts the size of volleyballs. This does not mean 'slender'. It means they have the curves of a number 2 pencil. "Pudgy" is another good one, especially for 21st century girls. This does not mean "voluptuous" or "pleasantly plump", although "fat and happy" works fine. Good news-- she can have boobs! And they will be a pain in her butt, for all of you who are less than gifted in this department. They will get sore and will make her incapable of running sans-bra without... manual uplift.
Concluding my rant on what is and what is not a Mary-Sue, I will tell of what is and what is probably not possible for a teenaged girl. She probably can help the good guys in some way. It might be a big way, and might be a small way. I'm uncertain of whether it's necessary for her to undergo some major form of torment in order to not be a 'sue. I don't think it is. If it adds drama to the story, do it. But if it's just self-flagellation to either avert the over-zealous wrath of the fic nazis or make your genuine Sue into a better character? Not a good idea. The best way to avoid writing a sue is to wheedle down the character in your head until she's a little weak, a little rough around the edges, a little less supermodel-pretty. Then add some CHARACTER, and you have yourself a good one!
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