My fanciest greetings, Muggles! This is the page where you can read the things I write when I should be writing other things. Fanfic is the most marvelous cure for writers' block. I write HP fics exclusively, and while I certainly don't hate canon pairings/events, I see no point in rehashing what has already been done to perfection by JKR. Thus I write about ridiculous characters like Dudley Dursley and Tom Riddle and sometimes a friendly Dementor. Crack ships make me smile because they are a challenge. Much to my reluctance, Dramione is also slowly taking over my life.

To be perfectly honest I think bacon is one of humankind's most triumphant and crowning achievements.

Now for a list of Dramione clichés that drive me absolutely bonkers (aka I see these, I stop reading). A lot of these can be traced back to plain old OOC behaviour, but many are so rampant that they deserve their own categories:

1. "Their witty banter was..." Let me stop you right there. Hermione, out of the trio, has always been the most eager to take the high road. As in, ignore him Harry. It's not worth it, Harry. The slap in PoA and the taunt about Moody in GoF are basically the only two exceptions. Hermione doesn't stoop to name-calling or petty arguments. And, so sorry, but Draco's "banter" is far from witty. It consists of bigoted jibes and unsophisticated insults. So...

2. "Hermione is going to prove to everyone she can be fun and impulsive... by getting a MAKEOVER!" So. Listen. If you want Hermione to be a completely different person, why don't you just pair Draco with an OC? Are we really supposed to buy that the girl who excitably gave Harry and Ron talking homework planners for Christmas now suddenly cares what everyone has to say about her? Or that dressing like a chav changes someone's entire personality? No, we aren't.

3. "Slytherin prince/Gryffindor princess, Ferret, Golden Girl, 'Mione..." No, um, no, none of that. Not only are these nicknames (and many more like them) corny and cringe-worthy, but they also have no foundation. 'Mione is used ONCE in the entire series when Ron's mouth is too full to pronounce her name properly. Similarly, Hermione calls Malfoy a ferret once, in context. Everybody is over it.

4. Fics where Hermione "teaches" Draco to get over his bigotry. That's not the way prejudice works! It's not rational. If solving racism was as easy as making a well-placed comment about not judging people for something they can't control, then the world would be a very different place, wouldn't it?

5. In a similar vein (ha-ha), fics where Draco sees Hermione's blood and suddenly everything changes. Um, Death Eaters may not be the world's greatest thinkers, but they don't ACTUALLY think blood can be made of LITERAL MUD. Everybody knows it's a damn metaphor for the worthiness of a bloodline. Good lord.

6. Since when is Draco a sex god? As far as we know he was with Pansy (not really a looker) in GoF and still in HBP. Not exactly making the rounds, is he?

7. Zabini is in the books for all of five pages! Where are all these love triangles coming from?

8. "The shared bathroom of their adjoining prefects' accommodations in closed quarters had no locking doors..." Yikes! In the whole wide, enormous CASTLE that is Hogwarts, they couldn't fit a second bathroom? Or just... you know... leave the Head Boy/Girl in their regular dormitories instead of making it weird?

9. Sexy drinking games... I'm not even going to explain this one. Ugh.

10. "Draco's Veela genes are about to kick in and for no reason he's going to want to shag Hermione..." What what WHAT? This isn't Twilight! Imprinting isn't a thing that makes any amount of sense! Evolutionarily speaking, why wouldn't a Veela's genes reach out to another Veela? Are there even male Veela? Why didn't Fleur's "mating" instincts kick in when she came of age (if they had she probably wouldn't have casually dated Roger Davies?)... This one is more of a sub-genre but it's so off-putting, I can't even.

11. Marriage Laws... Come on now. Kingsley Shacklebolt is cool but he's not a pimp.

12. Lucius being an abusive bastard... Look, Draco's parents straight up abandoned Voldemort TO HIS FACE during the final battle so they could run around looking for Draco. They've always doted on him (too much) and treated him like a spoiled little prince. Lucius may be subtly undermining, but he obviously genuinely likes his son.

13. HOWEVER. Narcissa may love Draco more than anything, but have we all forgotten the scene at the beginning of HBP where she verbally accosted a group of teenagers at Madame Malkin's and basically called them scum and insulted the memory of a bunch of their dead friends? Yeah. She's a devoted mother, but she's still quite an impressive bigot. Let's take off the rose tinted glasses.

14. This is less a cliché and more just bad writing, but can we please, PLEASE stop using food to describe everybody's physical appearance? It's suuuuuper uncomfortable you guys. "Hermione's chocolate curls." ... "Draco's milky white torso." I'm cringing to the point of near nervous collapse just typing this stuff out.

15. Marriage Laws... No, no, I needed to say it twice.

16. Ron bashing... Ron gets such a raw deal from the shippers. I understand lots of people don't see him as an adequate choice for Hermione, but does that automatically make him either a slobbering idiot or a pathological cheating ass? Am I the only one who remembers the last 300 pages of Deathly Hallows when Ron came back pleasant, mature, and dedicated? If you're going to brush him aside do it in a way that makes, oh I don't know, the remotest amount of sense.

17. "Draco rescues/comforts Hermione after a near assault, so she basically owes him a quickie now right?" This is more of trope, I guess. Maybe? It's so gross. Seriously.

18. Super understanding, sensitive, touchy-feely Harry... Nothing to do with Dramione, this one, but I see it in a lot of Dramione fics. Ron is the potato one. Harry is the one who comes over all supportive in the end and constantly hugs Hermione to express said support. Have we READ the books? Harry is the "Oh-God-Don't-Ask-Me-To-Get-In-The-Middle-Of-This" friend, always.

19. The 8th year fics in which Draco returns to Hogwarts cocky and insufferable as always as though nothing (hint: a WAR) has happened... How can I put this? It's just that he, you know... HE TRIED TO MURDER THE HEADMASTER! Also Harry saved his life a bunch of times and he was probably tortured, etc. Will he-or any of them-ever really be the same again?

20. "Surprise, Hermione is a pureblood!" Another sub-genre, and suuuuuch a cop-out. It completely undermines the genius strength of Hermione's character, and precludes real character development for Draco, since he's not being forced to examine his prejudice head-on. Similarly, I find Draco suddenly discovering that he's muggle-born weird. If this pairing has enough going for it there shouldn't be a need to revert to such AU tactics.

21. Rape fics (followed by her falling in love with him)... Listen, don't tell me everyone is entitled to their own preferences. If your preference is *rape* I am disturbed and frankly disgusted. What the hell is happening that there are SO MANY of these? Here is a really good plan: STOP. Or, like, get in touch with an exec at HBO because they'll probably love you.

22. Vampire!Draco or Werewolf!Draco inexplicably decides he MUST mate with Hermione... Let me tell you a little known secret: I don't know if anyone is aware of this, but vampires HAVE ALREADY BEEN DONE. To death. No but really, there is less than zero justification for this kind of mess. First of all, Eldred Worple's vampire in HBP was mostly creepy and gross, as vampires are wont to be. And Lupin has never displayed any genetic predisposition to NEED to mate with anyone. These are all half-assed justifications for side-stepping the most difficult part of writing the Dramione pairing: Draco setting aside his prejudice and learning to like Hermione, plain and simple, instead of being overcome with (blood)lust for no reason. And if you can't do that, what is the appeal beyond random smut? Go read 50 Shades of Grey (But oh my God, don't, though.)

(Thanks to MissWinter for submitting the ideas for points 21 and 22. If anyone has more points they'd like me to add to the list feel free to PM me. It's fun to vent.)

Thank you for visiting my page! I hope you can find something of interest. Feel free to drop me a line if you want to chat. I'm always up for discussing Harry Potter. Always. (See what I did there?)

Cheers!

Mel