This page is about me and why everything I like is great. If you disagree with anything you find on this page, you are wrong.

My Philosiphy on Writing Fanfic's

An interesting, unique storyline is what makes a good FanFic good. I'm not too picky on grammar.

The best written story in the world can be complete and utter crap if the subject matter is boring, whereas a poorly edited story can still hold my interest with a strong plot.

Terrible grammar can ruin a good story, but excellent grammar can not save a crappy story.

So what makes a story interesting? ORIGINALITY. Entertain me with something I've never seen before and I just might entertain you with a good review.

MY PROFILE

Gender: Male

Date of Birth: 08/09/89

Hair Color: Dark Brown

Eyes: Green

Lives: Somewhere in New Jersey (thats all you're getting out of me)

Favorite Video Games: Advance Wars Franchise, Assassin's Creed, Fable, Fable 2, Fire Emblem Franchise, Goldeneye, Halo Franchise, Jade Empire, Metroid Franchise, Morrowind, Pokemon Franchise, Super Smash Brothers Franchise, Tony Hawk's Pro Skater, Warcraft III, World of Warcraft, Zelda Franchise.

If you examine the game mechanics, you can clearly see that Link was designed so that men could easily relate to him. Think about it. Like most men, Link's main concern is to brandish his Master Sword. Like most men, he'll stick it in just about anything. (Syd Lexia)

Having sex is a lot like exploring a Hyrule dungeon, it's a hell of a lot better when you can see what you're doing. First off, it makes things easier to find your way to the correct passageways. Secondly, if you don't want to see what you're doing, then you probably shouldn't be doing it. RUN AWAY! (Syd Lexia)

Crabs under rocks, it's that cool Zelda game. Crabs on your cock, that's a real fucking shame. (Syd Lexia)

Samus taught us that a girl doesn't need brains to be successful. Brains are giant, evil, and vulnerable to missiles. (Syd Lexia)

Concerning the latest installment in the Advance Wars series: WTF, could they have made Tabitha any more broken. She dominates EVERYTHING on small to medium size ground maps, which accounts for 90 percent of the WiFi metagame. All the large maps that Tabitha sucks on are dominated by Forscythe, but at least he's beatable with COs like Brenner and Greyfield. Not so with Tabby: she's so friggin unstopable on those small ground maps the only thing that can get in her way is another Tabitha user. Or Penny if you get extremely lucky with weather conditions. Speaking of Penny and brokeness, OMG. Have you seen this child fight? Forget Tabitha and Forscythe, if the weather conditions are right Penny is in a class by herself. If the map is not set to CLEAR and you are using Penny you will win every single time. But it's completely hit or miss: if the map is clear Penny does absolutely nothing and you're stuck with a useless CO. And since you can't set weather conditions on WiFi that pretty much rules her out as a reliable CO in the online metagame.

Final verdict: Tabitha rules supreme in Advance Wars: Days or Ruin competitive play. She is made of win, and her brokeness knows no bounds.

Favorite (legal) Past-time: Playing Magic: the Gathering with my gaming buddies. I don't play the constructed meta-game anymore (mostly because I don't feel like spending 300 on a playset of dual-lands and cryptic commands), although I still enjoy Limited (a.k.a. "the draft") and casual format. This is the deck I'm working on right now.

ESPER AGGRO (Dual lands are proxied)

Lands

(4) Arcane Sanctum (2) Fetid Hearth (2) Mystic Gateway (2) Sunken Ruins (3) Swamps (3) Plains (3) Islands

Artifact Creatures

(4) Etherium Sculptor (4) Master of Etherium (4) Tidehollow Sculler (4) Sanctum Gargoyle (3) Summoning Sphinx (2) Sharding Sphinx

(1) Sharuum the Hegemon (1) Esperzoa (2) Ethersworn Cannonist (3) Faerie Mechanist

Enchantments and Non-creature Artifacts

(4) Oblivion Ring

(4) Courier's Capsule

(2) Mistvein Borderpost

(2) Fieldmist Borderpost

Instants and Sorceries

(1) Esper Charm

Artifacts galore: pretty much all the cards in the deck combo into each other. Scullers and canonists make for decent control in the early game. Etherium sculptor comes out on turn two to make life easier (reducing the casting cost of all the artifacts in this deck makes for MUCH better plays once you start dropping sphinxes and gargoyles). His ability stacks, so with a few of them in play its possible to play every card in this deck for three or less mana. Its not affinity, but it gets the job done.

Sphinxes, gargoyles, and mechanists can be used as flying aggro when the board permits. But more often than not they wind up serving a better purpose: chump-blocking a larger threat while providing game-winning card advantage with the abilities that activate when they come into play, allowing the deck to consistently set up its endgame board:

Master of Etherium and Sharding Sphinx.

Most players don't realize how dangerous this combo is until they actually see it used against them: with all the flying attackers in this deck, sharding sphinx will be making alot of tokens very, very fast. Those tokens will also be flying, attacking, and making more tokens. Since all those tokens count as artifacts, Master of Etherium makes them bigger. And they make Master of Etherium absolutely ENORMOUS! No joke: with sharding sphinx providing token support, it is not at all uncommon for the master to become AT LEAST a 13/13. I've seen it get much, much bigger. The largest I've ever gotten it in 1vs1 is 32/32. And remember, this deck runs four of them, so you could potentially be looking at a full play-set of MoE smashing face in the endgame.

Even without sharding sphinx MoE is still an incredibly useful card. It gets big and makes everything else bigger. Keep in mind that his ability stacks, so everytime another one comes into play your creatures get an extra boost. And even without Master of Etherium, sharding sphinx is still going to pop out shit-tons of tokens. The cards aren't completely dependent on each other to do their jobs. They just work really well together when they are in play at the same time, making them that much better.

You know that song "I get off on you getting off on me?" It's kind of like that.

The key to this decks success is its ability set up its side of the board while playing around opponent's removal with sactum gargoyle, summoning sphinx, and Sharuum the Hegemon. When you fully understand all the nonsense you can do with these cards, you can play this deck like a champ and use it against some of the best decks in the format. On a good draw you can put up a fight against faeries and five color control. Mono-black control won't even know what hit em.

SCENARIO: Mono-black control casts Damnation and wipes the board. Not a problem: you play Sharuum the Hegemon and return that summoning sphinx from your graveyard to play. Summoning Sphinx searches up a sanctum gargoyle, which you put into your hand. MBC casts...I don't know...lets say barter in blood, or another damnation. Again, not a problem. You play sanctum gargoyle and retrieve your Sharuum from the graveyard. Sharuum comes into play, you get your sphinx back again, and you search up another sanctum gargoyle. Mono black control just hit you twice with two of its best control cards. You didn't even lose card advantage.

SCENARIO: Naya Fatties is about to beat your face in with a Wooly Thoctar. You can kill it if you gang-block with your canonist and your master of etherium, but you'll get two-for-oned and lose your board in the proccess. Not a problem: you've got Summoning Sphinx. Search up sanctum gargoyle or Sharuum, and that Master of Etherium won't be dead for long.

Pretty useful, isn't it? Removal ceases to be a problem: in certain situations you actually WANT your creatures to die, so you can salvage them from the graveyard and get more card advanage off their abilities when you re-cast them on your next turn. Bounce spells like unsummon and boomerang produce a similar effect, which brings us to the icing on the cake: Esperzoa.

Forget the fact that Esperzoa is a 4/3 creature with flying and a three mana casting cost, which is decent enough in its own right. Focus on that supposed 'drawback' ability. The one that reads "at the beginning of your upkeep, return an artifact you control to its owner's hand." Why is being forced to bounce one of your own permanants every turn a good thing? Because so many of the artifact creatures in this deck have useful abilities that activate when they come into play, and bouncing them back to your hand with esperzoa lets you reap the benefits of those abilities over, and over, and over again.

Please note that esperzoa does not work nearly as well against blue control, where you risk eating a counterspell everytime you bounce one of your creatures. If your opponent is running blue and you know they have counters, don't even bother trying to use these combos. It will help your opponent alot more than it helps you.

ESPERZOA COMBOS (still really good, blue control not withstanding)

Esperzoa and Faerie Mechanist: Every turn you bounce and replay the faeries, you have a chance to get a decent artifact card off the top of your library and put some trash cards you don't really need on bottom. Very useful, as it will often prevent mana flooding in the late game. Deck needs to be shufflede very well after this combo is used, as it will often result in mana clumping at the bottom of your library. I reccomend a full pile shuffle to break up the clumps; getting mana screwed is no fun.

Esperzoa and Sanctum Gargoyle: Every turn you bounce and replay the gargoyles, you return an artifact from your graveyard to your hand. This is your salvage combo.

Esperzoa and Sharuum the Hegemon: Every turn you bounce and replay Sharuum, you return an artifact from your graveyard to play. This is your "I win" combo.

Esperzoa and Sphinx Summoner: Every turn you bounce and replay a summoner to your hand, you search your library for the artifact of your choice and put it into your hand. Search for whatever you need to improve your board position at that particular moment. If you already have a handful of dangerous artifacts, search up an etherium sculptor so you can play it quicker.

WHY THIS DECK DOES NOT RUN SCOURGLASS: I play-tested it and came to the following conclusion. As far as mass-removal goes scourglass is just to slow to be effective against speedy aggro decks, and those are the only decks that really necessitate the use of mass removal. In which case I'm better off just running infest in my sideboard: -2/-2 to all creatures is sufficient against goblins, elves, and exalted decks.

WHY THIS DECK DOES NOT RUN TEZZERET: because I don't own any. From what I've seen he's really good though; if I had one I might play it over one of my sphinxes.

WHY THIS DECK DOES NOT RUN ENIGMA SPHINX: Play-testing was inconclusive on whether or not it was worth the seven mana investment. Sometimes it would cascade into something really awesome, like Sharuum, and win the game. Other times it would just sit in my hand while I stalled on five or six lands, and I found myself wishing I had a summoning sphinx instead. Eventually, I just dropped enigma sphinx altogether and started running a third summoning sphinx instead. Doesn't really seem to make a huge difference.

THE GOOD: Its a creature-based deck that actually plays a decent game against control. On the draw, it's card advantage is strong enough to go head to head against mono-black control's discard engine and still have good plays. Creature destruction is not a problem thanks to sanctum gargoyle and summoning sphinx: cards like flamespout and Damnation are not nearly as dangerous as they are against most creature decks. Hallowed burial can still cause problems.

THE BAD: Not fast enough to beat a dedicated aggro deck. Plays a worse game against other creature decks than it does against control

THE UGLY: Absolutely wrecked by exalted decks. Aggro will hit the board faster than you can deal with it, Oblivion Ring and Path to Exile will remove your creatures from the game instead of sending them to the graveyard, and Qalasi pridemage will fuck your game up every single time. THis is the main-decks worst match up, so good sideboarding is absolutely crucial. Infest really does help a ton against cards like sigiled paladin and noble hierarchs. Executioner's Capsule may also be a solid pick.

OTHER DECKS I'M CURRENTLY WORKING ON: G/W/U Exalted Bant, R/G/W Naya Fatties, R/G token-eater (fun with Mycoloth and Caldera Hellion)

Favorite Music: Heavy Metal, Power Metal, anything that rocks hard

lml ... (O.O) ... lml

Favorite Bands: Avenged Sevenfold, Black Sabbath, Disturbed, Dragonforce, Dream Theater, Drowning Pool, Godsmack, Guns & Roses, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Kamelot, Korn, Megadeth, Metallica, Pantera, Slayer, System of a Down, Van Halen, Warrant

While on the topic of music, I would like to make my opinions known on the following matter. IMO, the best LIVING guitarist in the world is Herman Li (Dragonforce) and the best Vocalist in the world is Roy Khan (Kamelot). If you don't believe me, listen to "Fury of the Storm" and "The Haunting."

Also, I am of the opinion that Disturb's "Land of Confusion" remake is OVER 9000! times better then the original song by Genesis.

Favorite Movies: Anchorman, Animal House, Austin Powers, Austin Powers 2: The Spy who Shagged Me, Bad Santa, Beerfest, Big Daddy, Dodgeball, Eight Crazy Nights, Fight Club, Full Metal Jacket, Happy Gilmore, Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, Monty Python & the Holy Grail, Monty Python & the Life of Brian, Pineapple Express, Red vs. Blue, Scary Movie (the original, not the crappy sequels), Snakes on a Plane, Spaceballs, Super Bad, Taladega Nights, The Aristocrats, The Hangover, Wayne's World, Wayne's World 2, Wedding Crashers, and of course 300 (THIS IS SPARTA!)

Favorite Shows: Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Boondocks, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Family Guy, Jackass, Metalocalypse, Mind of Mencia, Reno 9/11, Scrubs, South Park, Super Jail, Venture Brothers

Favorite Books: The entire Magic: the Gathering Series. Currently own 35 of the books, and I've read all of them. Only one I did NOT like was Legions. It sucked, it was a disgrace to the series, and it never should have been published.

IMO, Phyrexians are the coolest race ever invented in the history of any fantasy novel. Read the books from Artifact cycle and Invasion cycle if you don't believe me. In fact, read the books from Artifact Cycle and Invasion Cycle just to see how awesome MTG truely is. The entire series is huge, but the only ones you really NEED to read to get a good feel for the storyline are The Brothers War, Planeswalker, Timestreams, Bloodlines, Invasion, Planeshift, and Apocalypse.

Recently I've also started reading the works of H.P. Lovecraft and getting into the Cthulhu mythos. I have now come to the conclusion that Nyarlathotep is the supreme bad ass of fantasy horrors, a title previously assigned to Sargeras of the Warcraft Mythos. Before Sargeras the title was held by Yawgmoth.

I dabbled in Harry Potter for a while, read all the books, and briefly considered doing a (M) rated humor/parody Fic entitled "SNAKES ON A TRAIN!" in which Voldemort releases a plauge of serpants on the Hogwarts express in an attempt to assassinate Harry Potter. Only to be thwarted by Samuel L. Jackson, who shoots the place up in his usual bad-ass style and saves the day. Obviously its supposed to be a SNAKES ON A PLANE parody. I'll probably never get around to actually writing the damn thing, but if I do rest assured it will be the funniest friggin thing I've ever written.

Random Awesomeness from thebestpageintheuniverse.net, which is in fact the best page in the universe. So much so that it gets its own section in this profile just for being awesome. Maddox wins at EVERYTHING FOREVER!

At least 199,245 animals have died since I've been alive, just because I was hungry. (Maddox)

There are only three reasons you should ever be this delighted about anything, and all of them involve you being a hot chick, meeting me, and lube. (Maddox)

The iPhone is a piece of shit, and so is your face. (Maddox)

When I see people wearing Crocs, I know immediately that we have nothing in common, and that we could never be friends or have any meaningful kind of relationship. (Maddox)

Fainting while attempting to kill yourself is like failing at failing. (Maddox)

I believe that there is a small, reptile-like creature called Chupacabra that sucks the blood of goats in Mexico. Area 51? Hell yes. Roswell? Pass me the Kool-Aid. But "Loose Change" elevates bullshit to an artform. Watching this video is like being bukakked with stupid. There is no 9/11 Conspiracy you morons. The fact that Dylan Avery is still alive is proof that "Loose Change" is bullshit. I win. There is no conspiracy. Eat my shit, losers. (Maddox)

The Official Maddox ALPHABET OF MANLINESS

A - Ass-Kicking B - Boners C - Copping a Feel D - Dumps, Taking the Big One E - Enlightenment F - Female Wrestling G - Gas H - Hot Sauce I - Irate J - Jerky, Beef K - Knockers L - Lumberjack M - Metal, Heavy N - Norris, Chuck O - Obedience P - Pirates Q - Quickies R - Road Rage S - Sneaking a Peek T - Taunting U - Urinal Etiquette V - Violence W - Winner X - XXX Y - Yelling Z - Zombies

A Few of My Favorite quotes:

"If you think a 401k is your grandmother's bra size you might be a redneck. If your family tree does not fork...if you go to family reunions to pick up women...if you work without a shirt on and so does your husband, you might be a redneck." (Jeff Foxworthy, Blue Collar Comedy Tour)

"Go for brains before beauty. You can fix ugly with tummy tucks and nose jobs and breast implants, but you can't fix stupid." (Ron White, Blue Collar Comedy Tour)

"Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the face. Bill Clinton shot his intern in the face. Call it even." (Larry the Cable Guy, Blue Collar Comedy Tour)

"That's my little girl right there, she means everything to me. You got any thoughts about touching or kissing, boy, you remember these words: I got a shotgun and a shovel out back, and I got no problem going back to prison." (Bill Engvall, Blue Collar Comedy Tour)

"Fat, Drunk, and Stupid is no way to go through life." (Animal House)

"Give up? Did Abraham Lincoln give up when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?" (Animal House)

"Wish in one hand, crap in the other. See which one fills up first." (Bad Santa)

"Grab Life by the Balls!" (Dodgeball)

"This is my rifle. This is my gun. This ones for fighting. This ones for fun." (Full Metal Jacket)

"Grif, Why in Sam hell would you give me C.P.R. for a bullet wound in the head? That don't make a lick of sense!" (Sarge, Red vs. Blue)

"Today is a good day to die. I HAVE A BONER FOR MURDER!" (Sarge, Red vs. Blue)

"I only drink the blood of my enemies...and ocassionally a strawberry smoothie. (Sarge, Red vs. Blue)

"Utilizing the power of the Grif cannon we can either make a Grif sized hole in the wall...or paint it a very disgusting color." (Sarge, Red vs. Blue)

"There's no I in team? Guess what, there's no U in team either. I'm not on the team. You're not on the team. No ones on the god damn team! The team sucks!" (Grif, Red vs. Blue)

"You shot Church you team-killing fucktard!" (Tucker, Red vs. Blue)

"...Tucker...before I die...I just want you to know...I hate you...I've always hated you the most." (Church's last words to Tucker, Red vs. Blue)

"Yeah, I know. Now hurry up and die you prick." (Tucker's last words to Church, Red vs. Blue)

"My name is Michael J. Caboose, and I HATE BABIES!" (Caboose, Red vs. Blue)

"Ka-ka-ka-ka-kaYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I'M DOCTOR ROCKZO, THE ROCK & ROLL CLOWN! I DO COCAINE! Ka-ka-ka-kYAAAA!" (Metalocalypse, Episode 3)

"Many years ago today, something grew inside of your mother, AND THAT THING WAS YOU!" (Metalocalypse version of the "Happy Birthday" song, Episode 3)

"Why kill a stripper? They're already dead on the inside" (Peter Griffin, Family Guy)

"I believe gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a women." (Arnold "the Governator" Shwarzineigger, cracks me up to this day. Think about it.)

Teabagging is when you stick your balls in someone's mouth while they're asleep. It's technically a form of rape, but it's also hilarious. (Unknown)

"...Destiny, chance, fate, fortune; they're all just ways of claiming your successes without claiming your failures." (Gerrard Capashen, Rath & Storm)

"Battles fought without armies are called duels. You'll lose a duel if your enemy shows up expecting a war." (Gerrard Capashen, Rath & Storm)

"Of course I fight fire with fire. I fight everything with fire." (Jaya Ballard, Task-Mage)

"Some say violence isn't the answer. Guess what? They're dead." (Jaya Ballard, Task-Mage)

Quotes from greatest web comic ever, Least I Could Do

"If there's one thing I know it's everything." (Rayne Summers, Least I Could Do)

"The similarities between God and I continue to astound me." (Rayne Summers, Least I Could Do)

"I'm nothing if not professional. And gorgeous. And well endowed." (Rayne Summers, Least I Could Do)

"At what point in someone's life do you think they make the concious decision and say 'Hey, I think I want to bang a goat and have that taped for an internet audience.' Is it drug induced you think, or something they've aspired to do since youth?" (Rayne Summers, Least I Could Do)

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. Frequently. And with great pleasure." (Rayne Summers, Least I Could Do)

"...I'm Saying if there's such a thing as immaculate conception, there must be such a thing as immaculate sex!" (Rayne Summers, Least I Can Do, spoken at the Vatican in the presence of the College of Cardinals.)

"If you ever steal one of my lines again, I will impregnate your sister and let John date the resulting offspring!" (Rayne Summers, Least I Could Do)

"I can only hope my future slaves have a proper grasp of the English language...though I suppose I could just beat them daily with a dictionary." (Rayne Summers, Least I Could Do)

"You remember when I used to say if I ever got sent to prison I'd find the biggest, meanest inmate I could and submit myself to him for protection? Meet Wayne...This has not been a good week for my ass." (Rayne Summers, Least I Could Do)

"Jesus? It's me, Rayne. Listen, I know I might have pissed you off recently by telling everyone that I thought Aslan would make a better son of God than you. All I'm saying is that if you were a gaint lion capable of eating witches, I'd be the first one in line to eat those crackers every Sunday." (Rayne Summers, Least I Could Do)

"...and thats when I decided to buy the horse a prostitute." (Rayne Summers, Least I could Do, first spoken at a job interview.)

SIDENOTES ON MY CURRENT FANFICS

Planar Chaos on Elibe

Pretty much my crowning achievment at the moment. Still a work in progress. Doesn't appear to be very popular right now, but it's MY favorite, so I plan on seeing this one through till the end.

Boy Talk with Eliwood and Hector

What if Eliwood wasn't a pathetic little pansy? What if he was actually a total badass like Hector and he only acted sweet in public for the sake of House Pherae's reputation? What kind of awesomeness would occur when two badass lordlings sit down and talk about love, life, and random hook-ups with all the lovely ladies (thats right, hook-ups with the LADIES. No yaoi, I don't roll like that.). This Fic follows the M-rated adventures of Eliwood and Hector as they ditch their lordly duties and go looking for a good time.

The Fire Emblem Olympics

Elibe, Magvell, and Tellius are competing in the Fire Emblem Olypics. Need I say any more? This Fic is gonna have everything from Sumo Wrestler Gheb to a Ninian/Tethys/?? dance-off. And of course the ultimate blood sport...JEIGANFEST (more on that later).

Mark Tells a Dirty Joke

This one deffinately merits further explanation, seeing as how most readers were apparently too distracted by the unprecedented levels of filth and disturbing material to give the joke itself any thought. The Aristocrats joke was originally developed by dirty comedians to be told ONLY in front of other dirty comedians (the theory being that since dirty comedians spend their entire lives telling dirty jokes, you need something so vile and beyond the limits of acceptable human behavior it defies the imagination to make them laugh). The basic layout of the joke is as follows: it begins with "a man walks into a talent agency" and ends with "we call ourselves the Aristocrats!" In between these 2 statements, the comedian strings together the most sickening, disgusting, vulgar thoughts that come to mind in an attempt to shock the unshockable audience (a.k.a. other dirty comedians). When told outside the appropriate circle of comedians, reactions generally range from "ZOMG, that is so wrong!" to "That's the foulest thing I've ever known and you should be shot, repeatedly, in the face, for saying that." The jokes comedic/shock value comes from the main body of the joke, the unspeakable foulness, not the actual punchline.

After watching a movie documentry in which 100 of the worlds dirtiest comedians get together and each tell their own version of the Aristocrats joke (see list of favorite movies, "The Aristocrats.") I was inspired to write my own version of the joke and adapt it to a FanFic for the purposes of shock and comedic value. As for shocking the unshockable audience, I was going for something that would make people who read and write the most graphic yaoi/slash/incest lemons cringe. Something that would make even hardcore slash fans go "Okay, even I've got my limits, thats just sick. I need to go scrub my mind with brain-soap and vomit now."

Basically, it's my own sick little form of revenge on the writers who have made me pull the brain-soap out on my own mind when I stumble into their domain of yaoi fantasy. All in good spirit of course. A jest for a jest, or some such nonsense.

Thats how this little abomination came into existence. After reading my reviews it appears I at least got the shock part down (Mission Accomplished). The comedy part, not so much...

THE BEST ARISTOCRATS JOKES EVER

Gilbert Gottfried and Bob Saget tell this joke the best. I'm a rank amatuer, if you wanna see how the pros do it go to Youtube and watch the videos "Gilbert Gottfried Aristocrats Joke" and "Bob Saget - The Aristocrats (complete)."

WARNING: THIS IS M-RATED MATERIAL. IF YOU COULDN'T HANDLE "Mark Tells a Dirty Joke," STAY AWAY FROM THESE VIDEOS.

That's my profile, Welcome to the mind of HellfireSupremacy!