Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the
crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with
Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of
the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused
kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang
every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norrishimself to lure more pirates to
him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a
director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck
Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
On the 7th day, God rested... Chuck Norris took over.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck
Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually
three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck
Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest
substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse
kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the
scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it
was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for
this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of
chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov
in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came
back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he
threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with
cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave
her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped
him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a
joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a
monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and
roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't
be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your
hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He
walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a
half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot,
drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled
over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found
em!"
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally
lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day
by its technical term: Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of
northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3
minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans,
and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn
occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris
can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse
kicks.
FanFiction.Net - unleash your imagination
