Y HELO THAR, those who tread upon my profile. Thingy. Whatever the fuck this is.

Yes, that is Kunoichi in my profile.

If you’re reading this, you’re either here to learn something about me as an author, or because you think I’m a internet bot and if you read whatever pre-programmed roboty goodness long enough, you’ll get a link to porn. Yeah. No porn here (unless it’s the Ling Tong or Sun Ce or Gan Ning covered in chocolate pudding and rolling around and—)

Ahem.

Okay. Hi! I’m Jenizaki (no, that is not my real name). I am this many years old, the number of years a number that cannot be given to the public (seriously, I don’t want you people knowing how old I am—not that it’s some big secret, but in another year I’ll have to rewrite this whole profile and that is a severe case of DO NOT WANT). I’m a business major slash culinary prodigy (yes, you read that right). I enjoy extreme sports and mass murder. In the Sims, of course.

This is like all the awkward of making a Match.com profile and I don’t get the date at the end. Of course, I also don’t have to pay, so that works too. Hell yeah.

Ahem. Anyway, let’s see what else here. I like my work to speak for itself, mostly; I’m not going to sit here and ramble on and on and on about how funny I am and how I write the best stuff on the site (not that I would be lying, mind you) but nope

By now, if you haven’t clicked the back button, let me see if I can find anything else mildly offensive to say that will either make you laugh or piss you off.

I have a very extreme sense of humor. Extreme? Is that the word? I don’t know. Anyway, I swear, I make jokes most people would consider racist, and I like sarcasm. If you don’t like it, go cry and write a story about the Qiao sisters and butterflies (no offense to the Qiao sisters, of which I am fond. All offense to butterflies, who I am not fond of. GTFO you ugly bugs).

I think a lot of things are funny; blah blah, I don’t feel the need to explain myself, MOVING ON!

Is anyone still reading? Awesome. Self esteem rising.

I can’t think of anything else to say. If you were on anyone else’s fanfiction profile, they would give you some heavily formatted list of things they like, or something. I would normally make fun of that, but I can’t think of anything at the moment. Sigh.

Now here’s the obligational, inevitable, ‘reasons why I like these pairings which you of course are not going to read, maybe skim over if you have ten seconds or you’re looking for a point of conversation or a reason to be mean to me in a PM/review, to which case I say ‘bring it the fuck on, motherfuckers’, and so on’, list.

Dynasty Warriors/Samurai Warriors/Warriors Orochi/anything I have to grovel to Koei for before I can use—

Sun Ce/Da Qiao—Do I really have to give a reason for liking these two? No. I don’t. If you don’t like Sun Ce/Da Qiao, you are either dead, or a Sun Ce/Zhou Yu shipper, and in either case I would rather not talk to you.

Ling Tong/Sun Shang Xiang—I really… don’t like Sun Shang Xiang. At all. However, I do an RP with a buddy (cough http://www.fanfiction.net/~greatfountain>grandfountain cough) and, who knew, Ling Tong turns out to work really well with a tomboy girlfriend (said tomboy girlfriend is me, btw). And since if I wrote constant Ling Tong/Jenizaki and splattered it all over my profile, I would be one of the hated DW character/OC character shippers who populate every nook and cranny of this damned website, and then I would hate myself.

And instead of writing comedy, I would write miserable emo Evanescence-inspired songfics. About how much I hate life. And I don’t like being emo, nor do I want to be, so there. No offense to those who are emo, but kindly be an emo in a silent fashion. Since your emo depresses some people (some people as in, not me), and then it makes them emo. And that’ll be an onslaught of emo.

Uhhh, how did I get from giving you some vague reason as to why I write Ling Tong and Sun Shang Xiang but don’t ship them together, and wound up writing an anti-ode to emos?

Gan Ning/Sun Shang Xiang—This pairing, to me, is like getting your appendix torn out. Do it once, never have to do it again.

(Between you and me, I used to like Gan Ning/Sun Shang Xiang more, until every fangirl and their brother had to point out the ever-obvious ‘Gan Ning is a pirate and Sun Shang Xiang is a princess so they have nothing in common so I’m going to write a story about how Gan Ning is a pirate and Sun Shang Xiang is a princess yet they fall in love but their love is a secret until Sun Shang Xiang has to marry Liu Bei and Gan Ning is angry and blah blah blah blah blah happily ever after’ crap got really, really old.)

Let me just say this right here; Liu Bei is nowhere near my favorite character; I hate the man, to be honest; but he is not evil. Sun Shang Xiang not loving him, sure, I can get that storyline, but Liu Bei being mean and zomg evil!!1!!11! does not work. Please think of something creative. NEXT!

Gan Ning/Da Qiao—This idea makes me :D. I haven’t gotten around to doing it; I can think of at least two stories on this site that give it justice, but neither of them are mine, so I should probably get around to that…

Sun Ce/Xiao Qiao—Don’t give me that look, you ship it too. Just kidding. Sure, they could be cute in a ‘Sun Ce never married Da Qiao and Xiao Qiao never married Zhou Yu’ way, but they could also be fun fun fun in a ‘Sun Ce married Da Qiao but is fucking Xiao Qiao instead because he likes her more’ way. (COUGH SHAMELESS PROMOTION FOR MY NEW STORY COUGH)

Keiji Maeda/Okuni—These two are fun. And insane. But mostly fun. I’m not good at explaining why I like things to people; I just write ‘em and make ‘em work.

Magoichi Saika/Ina—They’re fun too. Magoichi’s all >3 and Ina’s all DNW, but she DW (does want) in the end. Or something.

Toshiie Maeda/Nene—Historically Toshiie had a crush on Nene, or something. Anyway, Toshiie is hot and deserves some lovin’, so there. And they work well together when you write ‘em (well, me, mostly, but I suppose you too).

Sun Quan/Da Ji—In a sadistic way. Why do I enjoy being mean to Sun Quan? Who knows, who cares. These two are also fun, and think of it this way, at least Sun Quan gets some.

Gan Ning/Nene—They’re fun! Try ‘em for yourself—the naughty pirate and the ninja mommy who wants to give everyone a spanking. Stop giving me that o_O look, all you Hideyoshi/Nene shippers (you guys are just weird).

Ling Tong/Okuni—I don’t ship these two, but they’re a lot of fun, at least the way I write ‘em. Which is, Ling Tong thinking he’s going to get laid via hot geisha girl, and angry nearly seven feet of jealous Keiji comes stomping up and kicks his ass.

I should probably say that while I love Ling Tong enough to marry him in an RP universe (ahem), a lot of bad things happens to him in my universe. He usually gets the last laugh (ha, I laugh at you, Ling Tong haters—THERE’S SOMETHING DEAD INSIDE OF YOU) but still. Getting to that last laugh usually involves a lot of pain (not the butt secks via Gan Ning pain, mind you, that’s just wrong, and I apologize for subjecting you to those horrid mental images. Gan Ning/Ling Tong shippers, flame me, bring it on, I don’t give a poop).

Woo, tangent ftw! Uhhh what else…

Keiji/Himiko—Just kidding. That, my friends, is fubar (fucked up beyond all reason).

Cao Pi/Zhen Ji—fun in-game, sucked historically. But I really don’t pay much attention to the historical stuff (points to Gan Ning/Nene above) so they’re cute. Will I ever write a story completely about them? Wouldn’t count on it.

Zhao Yun/Zhen Ji—These guys are fun in a Zhen Ji dragging her pretty, subordinate boyfriend around (like in DW College! :D). Also, SilentNinja’s influence.

Ma Chao/Xing Cai—Yes I’m the only person in the world who doesn’t like Xing Cai/Guan Ping (because Guan Ping is not man enough to top that). NEXT!

Characters I like are basically listed above. Ling Tong, Sun Ce and Gan Ning are my DW OT3 (except, in a non-sex way), and I write them the most. If you don’t like either of those characters, well, get lost. You have no taste.

But, for the sake of things… Ling Tong, Sun Ce, Gan Ning, Da Qiao, Xiao Qiao, Xiahou Yuan, Xiahou Dun, Cao Cao, Cao Pi, Ma Chao, (I suppose) Zhao Yun, Xing Cai, Meng Huo, Zhu Rong, Keiji Maeda, Kunoichi, Magoichi Saika, Ina, Nagamasa Azai, Mitsunari Ishida, Masamune Date, Nobunaga Oda, Nene, and Toshiie Maeda, to which I would like to add a “OMNOMNOM” sound effect (to Toshiie).

I dislike this next topic so intensely it gets its own topic (it makes sense in my mind). Before some slash fan (and I don’t mean the musician) asks—NO, I DO NOT WRITE SLASH. If I could make that above text sparkle, I would.

If I do write something in the context of slash, it is making fun of the people who do obsess over it. This does not mean I am a homophobe. It means I am a writing-characters-out-of-character-phobe, and writing slash makes my skin crawl. So go ask someone else, leave me to my deprived land of misery and heterosexuality. Sho Tsukioka from Battle Royale fandom is homosexual, so I’ll write him coming onto Shinji (which is canon >D).

Here’s a relatively short list of slash pairings I really, really, really fucking hate…

Gan Ning/Ling Tong. THEY ARE NOT GAY, FANGIRLS. Get over yourselves. And besides, Ling Tong would totally top that. NEXT. These two both piss me off and make me want to projectile vomit all over someone’s face. What’s that disgusting mpreg story on this site about these two? I shouldn’t even mention it, since that’ll give it advertisement by accident, but that shit is disgusting

Sun Ce/Zhou Yu. Same thing as mentioned above. Good lord. Hate hate hate hate hate. What, two grown men can’t run off on a horseback adventure, alone, together, with just the two of them, without people yelling ZOMG GAY? (Wait a minute…) Thanks, DW6!

Lu Xun/Masamune or Masamune/Lu Xun, I get my ukes and semes confused (it freaks me out how close ‘seme’ is to ‘semen’ which is just do not want in this context)—WTF? Why the hell do they get paired together? Because they’re both jailbait-aged boys who fangirls would piss their pants over if they had sex? Yuck. Can I get a DO NOT WANT? Especially considering these two are minors and the two of them going at it would be considered child pornography? YOU SICKOS.

Cao Cao/Xiahou Dun or Cao Cao/Xiahou Yuan. Uh, EW? They’re fucking cousins (arghh that didn’t come out right). Also, EWWWWWW!

Keiji Maeda/Toshiie Maeda. Uh, no. Just no. They’re nephew/uncle, Toshiie would top that, and also, have I added an EW yet? Ew. And for you smartasses who say Keiji is Toshiie’s adopted nephew, STILL GROSS. Would you fuck your adopted nephew? I DIDN’T THINK SO (and if you would, I recommend seeking help).

Also, Jiang Wei/Lu Xun, but mostly because I like poking Random Character/Lu Xun shippers in the eye. I mean, I can at least understand the justification of some shit like Gan Ning/Lu Xun (understanding does not mean I like it or want it shoved down my throat, mind you), but shipping Random Character/Lu Xun just because you like poor Lu Xun gettin’ it from behind by Insert Character Here is not a reason to ship something. Go away.

Have I offended you and made you run away crying yet? Good. If you’re still here, you’re either trying to find more reasons to hate me or I’ve intrigued you. Hopefully it’s more of the latter (but if it’s the former, feel free to drop me a PM! ;D).

Uhhh, while we’re at it, here’s my dos and don’ts for Battle Royale, another fandom I infect with my stuff—

Favorite characters, in no order but the order they pop into my brain—Shinji Mimura, Shogo Kawada, Shuuya Nanahara, Takako Chigusa, Kayoko Kotohiki, Mitsuko Souma, That One Guy Who Gets Shot By Kiriyama But Whose Name I Don’t Remember, and Hiroki Sugimura.

The fact that That One Guy Who Gets Shot By Kiriyama But Whose Name I Don’t Remember (TOGWGSBKBWNIDR for convenience) ranks above Hiroki Sugimura should say something, but, naaah. ;D

And favorite pairings, I suppose—

Shinji/Takako—if you’ve read this far, you have probably determined this; anyway, they’re fun and slightly difficult because neither Shinji or Takako is nothing like characters I usually write, so it’s a challenge. Fun fun. http://www.fanfiction.net/~Imjuzakyd”>imjuzakyd (whose name I finally can spell by memory! Go me!) and http://www.fanfiction.net/~periperi>periberi (the author formerly known as periperichan) also populate this fandom and (although they won’t admit it), write better stuff than I do, so go read their stuff to. Or don’t. But you’ll be sorry. (Sorry that you’re missing out on good writing, not, like, ‘read their stuff or I will be waiting behind you with an axe’ sorry.)

Shuuya/Yukie—Oops, forgot Yukie in my favorite characters list. (once again, this should say something, but it does not.) Shuuya/Yukie was pretty much how it was going to be if the Program hadn’t fucked their lives up; Yukie had a crush on Shuuya and Shuuya said she was ‘his type of girl’—wait, wtf, why am I justifying myself? I told you I wasn’t going to do that! Fucking hell. I blame you by default. Not you, you. The other you.

(Is anyone still reading?)

Shogo/Noriko—Noriko was intentionally left off my favorite characters list; she is kind of annoying. In a cute way. She’s like Talim from Soul Calibur. Everyone wants to feed her cookies and love her forever, I’m more like GET OUT OF THE WAY SO I CAN SEE KAWADA’S MUSCLES KTHNX. Ahem. Anyway, Kawada said it himself that Noriko reminds him of his girlfriend, who he shot (don’t sit there WTFing, it makes sense in context), so poof, insert Shogo/Noriko here.

Hiroki/Mitsuko—Am I fucked in the head? No. They’re fun. Book 8 of the BR manga won me over, on these two. I don’t feel the need to justify myself here, it takes away from the illusion. ;D

Hiroki/Kayoko—These two remind me of a more fun, less creepy version of Zhou Yu/Xiao Qiao from Dynasty Warriors; in fact, I typed ‘Hiroki/Zhou Yu’ a couple times before my fingers reminded me WTF I was supposed to be doing (fangirls plz stop shipping Hiroki/Zhou Yu now). They’re cute, and their whole little part of book 11, I believe? is fun. Before they get shot by Kiriyama, of course (DAMN YOU KIRIYAMA!). Anyway, they’re cute and fun and it keeps Hiroki’s grubby paws away from Takako, who is free to be molested by Shinji, and Shinji Mimura himself ships Hiroki/Kayoko. So you should too.

While I’m being random, check this out: My Battle Royale SIMS! I make lots of fictional character Sims; mostly because A, the people I know in real life are boring, and B, same reason as A. Anyway, before I go pissing off anyone I know in real life who happens to be reading this (come to think of it, if you know me IRL and I haven’t said something to piss you off yet, go plant yourself a fucking tree in your honor), let’s look at the goods here!

http://i47.tinypic.com/2rxikaf.jpg”>Shuuya Nanahara! I’m super proud of this guy.

http://i48.tinypic.com/jtqoi0.jpg”>Takako Chigusa. She was annoying to make. Yes, her eyes are too O_O, I don’t care. The Shinji Mimura Sim had absolutely no problems Making Out with her, and when I checked on them a few minutes later, they were right in the middle of a WooHoo. In Shuuya’s bed. Yeaaaaaaaah!

I also have a Shinji (Mimura) and a (Shogo) Kawada Sim, but they are not pictured. Because they’re awesome. No, in all reality, I was just lazy and didn’t feel like booting the game up hunting for a picture.

Now for something completely different; a to-do list, of some sorts.

First up—

DW College—this story is fun. Fucked up, yes, but fun. I’ll keep writing it as long as I keep getting ideas for it; once I stop getting ideas, well, let’s just hope that doesn’t happen. I’m usually good with dragging stories out past their lifetime (just kidding). Anyway, it’ll get updated when it gets updated, keep your pants on. Last updated some time a few days ago.

BR WTF?—another one that needs an update. I’m not too thrilled with this one; fun plot, bleghhhh writing. I would rewrite this if I wasn’t so fucking lazy; so instead, I’ll just re-write all the later chapters and keep them good. Or something. Will this get finished? Definitely. As for that sequel I mentioned? Throwing ideas around in my head.

I usually have stuff I’m working on too, here’s some info about those—

Jenizaki’s Warriors Orochi story of awesome—No, that’s not the real title. Unless I really can’t think of something (kidding). I liked the WO storyline, Orochi and blah blah blah, but as usual there’s stuff I don’t like about it, so I’m rewriting it. Lots and lots of violence, psychological trauma, weird pairings, ect. And it’s a comedy!

Jenizaki’s Story Where Everyone in Wu is Doing Bad Things—Yup, you guessed it. Sun Ce is married to Da Qiao; all is right with the world, except for the fact that Sun Ce’s torn between which Qiao sister he likes more (and eventually he chooses both of ‘em), Xiao Qiao’s stuck married to Zhou Yu who doesn’t care that she exists, which is unfortunate for Sun Shang Xiang who is in love with Zhou Yu, while meanwhile poor Da Qiao is blissfully married to Sun Ce who she loves, and has no idea that he’s in love with her sister, while Ling Tong is in love with her. Cough. And then Gan Ning shows up. Sound like fun? Of course it does!

If you’re interested in either of these, I have sneak previews for both up on my Livejournal (go down some more for the link so I don’t have to type out the a href crap twice, please). So go check ‘em out there! :D

What else what else what else… yeah, that’s about it. Either read something (AND REVIEW IT), or go away.

Wait, wait, my bad, I forgot to mention—if you either want to sing my praises, insult me off the site (good luck), or just want to chat, here’s where you can find me on the world wide web (does anyone even call it that anymore? o_O)

On Livejournal, http://jenizaki.livejournal.com/”>right here

I’m not very active here, I think most of the people there are annoying and pretentious (what’s up with the stupid quotes all over the profiles? ‘We are only the gross sum of our parts’ or some shit? Yeah not really, dude) but any posts made to my entries will be sent directly to my email, so I will get it. Whether or not I respond to it depends on what you say. ;D

On twitter, http://www.twitter.com/@jenipunch”>right here

I update this pretty regularly with both fanfiction comments, every day stuff (random tweet: Just tanked my Sims game. Ling Tong killed a kid, and in his horror broke up with his pregnant wife and became mortal enemies w/ his dad), observations about the world, some joke I heard, or the occasional witty comment. Follow me and see for yourself.

On AIM—ha, I bet you want to know, huh? Well, too bad. :P Just kidding, if you really want to know, hit me up on AIM; however if you bore me fifteen minutes into our conversation, don’t expect to hear from me again. Just saying.

On email, well, wouldn’t you like to know :P And seriously this time. I don’t give out my email address. If the above ways to contact me don’t tickle your fancy, hit me up with a PM on this here website.

And, uh, that’s it. Yup. Here normally someone would have fifty million little ‘99 of the people on Fanfiction.net put some stupid statistic in their profile, if you are one of the 1 who does not put a statistic, but in fact is a hypocrite because putting this anti-statistic is indeed a statistic, on their profile, paste this into your profile!’, or some crap. I forgot the punch line of this joke already. DAMMIT.

Let’s see… I think I live in some opposite-plagued vortex. Like, for example, if someone bitches that they don’t like Insert Character Here, I’m not gonna slit my wrists and go cry in the corner. I’m going to think ‘Fuck you’, probably type a long message with the words ‘fuck you’ repeated at least eight times, and write a nice long ode to said character, just to piss you off. Constructive criticism is always useful and welcome; why don’t you like said character? Give me some reasons! Of course it doesn’t mean I’m actually going to listen, but it’ll save you ten minutes of your life reading the words ‘fuck you’ over and over again.

Is anyone still reading this? Hello? HELLO?