STOP! Before you read any further I must insist you check out Madeleinejade's 'Against the Odds: When Lies Once Told Bite Back' at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5291217/1/

She is my part time beta when I bother to consult her, ensuring that my grammar and spelling is up to scratch, makes sure I write in language understandable to all you Americans out there and keeps me sane. The aforementioned fic is, I am honoured to say, the one she's letting me beta for her.

Now, onto my profile proper:

“Abandon all hope ye who enter here.”

Hello my little kittens, chapattis and samboosas. You are the delight of my existence. Unless, of course, you are here to insult and malign me. In which case the kittens are the mangy, one-eyed sort with fleas. The chapattis are overly oily (not necessarily an immediate evil but one which will give you heart failure down the line). And the samboosas are both oily and filled with vegetables, the sort I find particularly abhorrent though there are no doubt some people who love them dearly.

As you can see, I am a rather strange person. More on that later.

However, while on the subject of criticism (yes, we were there for a brief moment) I wish to make a little statement.

What is my standpoint on people criticising me and my writing? (This only applies only to me mind you)

Feel free.

Seriously! Go ahead! Be as creative or as vulgar as you like. If you want to call me censored in the case any innocents actually DO find their way to my page, use your imagination do it! The greatest insult is if no one can be bothered to comment.

But please, please, I am begging you, leave it signed. I don’t care if it’s constructive criticism or the most damning piece of obscenity that you can think up. I will take the time to read it and reply. Honestly. I am very good at handling it.

But what drives me absolutely up the freaking wall is when I get a flame or a criticism and it’s anonymous.

Gah, I think I’m going to add that word to my hate-list. It can go in front of ‘T’ for taxes.

But seriously, some of the best constructive criticism I have ever received was from anonymous people. If you don’t have an account could you at least say that so I don’t start chewing the carpet in frustration?

It’s not so bad with the non-criticism reviews. Those you can address in the A/N and not feel like you’re being snide and horrible. Criticism and flames (these two are not synonymous by the way) should be addressed privately because, frankly, I don’t think either party wants to invite the attention of all and sundry.

Don’t worry about me reporting, blocking or maligning you. If you’ve been kind enough, or brave enough, to review my story –even negatively- I’m not about to punish that. I promise to be as kind and courteous as is possible for me (you’d be surprised at how polite I am at times) because even if your words are rude and disrespectful you actually respected me enough to give me an avenue by which to reply. If you criticised me then thank you! You took the time to tell me how I could do better and/or what I’m doing wrong. What more could a girl ask for?

Yeah, so that was my ‘little’ statement. Thanks for reading it.

OMG! After all that I have failed to introduce myself. -slaps forehead-

Hey! I'm Phantom.

I'm an amazing person, great at everything, not a single fault...

-someone throws a tomato at me-

Ok OKAY! I might be a little lazy on occasion...

-AND she's a terrible author, she's inconsistent and...-

(shutuphutupshutup)

-cough- anyway, I read a lot of fanfiction and I try to review as much as possible. Despite all that I've written on the subject of criticism I find that my reviews are generally very encouraging.

And unless there's something wrong with the system I always leave signed reviews. Always.

Generally I prefer the vampire stuff to all human fics but I read those too.

Note: The views below are my own. I’m not dissing your story but in my eyes unless it’s really amazingly good I’m not going to read it. And it doesn’t matter how well written a Jacob/Bella story is I’m NOT going to read it. I just can’t. I get no pleasure out of seeing them together in that sense. Don’t be offended, I don’t read Jasper/Bella, Emmet/Bella, Carlisle/Bella or OC/Bella stories either. They just irritate me. In my eyes it’s Edward or nothing. (But you know what amuses me? I have yet to see an Esme/Bella fic. practically everything else though but not Esme. I wonder why?)

Points up actually I have now read a B/Esme story. Well, not a story per se, it was a rather vulgar but incredibly funny one-shot where there was a brief B/Esme interlude in the orgy filled smutlet. She was the first person to ever sample Bella's special snatch.

There is no Alternative Universe where Bella and Jacob get together in my eyes.

Sure Carlisle might have been bitten slightly deeper and killed straight out ensuring Edward was never saved. Edward might never have caught the flu, Edward might have been killed, they might never have come to Forks, etc. etc.

However, these don’t mean the road is left clear for Jake.

Bella would be dead. Because Edward never saved her from the truck, instead it crushed her. Not to mention numerous other things that might happen. She has supernaturally bad luck.

Edward never came back…

That’s BS. He would have come back. Nothing on earth could have kept him away, not even himself. Even if Bella hadn’t jumped off the cliff he would’ve come back eventually, and not in the ten years later way.

If Bella had let Jake kiss her? Had some sort of relationship with him?

She would’ve let him go when Edward came back. She would’ve felt hideously guilty but honestly she would never have been happy with him not after Edward rocked her world like he did.

A few other things.

Bella became a lesbian.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Edward Cullen can make gay girls straight, 'nuf said.

Edward became/is gay.

No, seriously? You expect people to believe that when Edward can't keep his hands off her?

Edward cheated on her.

The guy is as pure as driven snow. In that sense at least. He’s a virgin who waited ‘til they were married to have sex despite the fact that she practically threw herself at him. He loves Bella; ALL his…appetites…are geared to her. She is irresistible in more ways than one.

Bella cheated on him.

How do you cheat on a guy if every time you close your eyes you see him? If you love him with every particle of your being? If you’re pathetically grateful that he spent even a few months with you? If he has literally ruined you for all other guys? If you can’t even be angry with him for leaving you?

So yeah…

“If you haven’t got it by now then you just ain’t gettin’ it.”

I'm team Edward ALL the way. The guy is freezing cold but still manages to be smoking hot. If he was a normal temperature he'd burn things as he walked past. Jacob's alright but how on Earth do you compete with Edward Cullen?

Some of my favourite quotes (I'm only putting in Twilight quotes from Edward otherwise I'd end up posting all the books, these are mostly the ones that were inscribed on Scruffy II, my dearly beloved and long suffering folder, to be preserved for prosterity):

Someone has to spread the good news that we survived.

The wasting of finite resources is everyone’s business.

I said it would be better if we weren’t friends, not that I didn’t want to be.

You really should stay away from me.

I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly.

I think your friends are angry with me for stealing you.

Only you could get into trouble in a town this small. You would have devastated their crime rate statistics for a decade, you know.

I hear voices in my mind and you’re worried that you’re the freak.

Be safe.

You are exactly my brand of heroin.

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…

What a sick, masochistic lion.

Come on, little coward, climb on my back.

Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?

Your hair looks like a haystack… but I like it.

You are utterly indecent — no one should look so tempting, it’s not fair.

Yesterday I kiss you, and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!

And you’re worried, not because you’re headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won’t approve of you, correct?

Actually, Esme wouldn’t care if you had a third eye and webbed feet.

No coffins, no piled skulls in the corners; I don’t even think we have cobwebs… what a disappointment this must be for you.

You really shouldn’t have said that.

It seems I’m going to have to tamper with your memory.

You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window. You have to admit, it could happen.

Oh, a sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An IV, on the other hand…

I’m sorry if there’s been some kind of miscommunication, but Bella is unavailable tonight. To be perfectly honest, she’ll be unavailable every night, as far as anyone besides myself is concerned. No offense. And I’m sorry about your evening.

When someone wants to kill you, you’re brave as a lion — and then when someone mentions dancing…

~Edward Cullen, Twilight

For whose sake, henceforth, all his vows be such,
As what he loves may never like too much.

~Ben Johnson, On my first Sonne

I'm nonviolent with those who are nonviolent with me. But when you drop that violence on me, then you've made me go insane, and I'm not responsible for what I do.

You're not to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it or says it.

~Malcolm X (These quotes kinda remind me of Edward, idealistic and dark)

We will over come.

~Martin Luther King Jr.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”

I learned then, once for all, that gold in its native state is but dull, unornamental stuff, and that only lowborn metals excite the admiration of the ignorant with an ostentatious glitter. However, like the rest of the world, I still go on underrating men of gold and glorifying men of mica. Commonplace human nature cannot rise above that.

Forget and forgive. This is not difficult, when properly understood. It means you are to forget inconvenient duties, and forgive yourself for forgetting. In time, by rigid practice and stern determination, it comes easy.
~ Mark Twain

Yes We Can!

~Barrak Obama

Hi peeps. Are you still there? Wow. You read through all that? I'm not sure whether I laugh at you or commend you.