AluminumMuse at fictionpress

Freed-wings at deviantart

Psychicwits@yahoo.com

FAVORITE PAIRINGS! Note: I ussually only write fic for books that I'm not crazy about, which have lots of characters to work with.

Twilight:

Alec/Jane; it's disturbing, but it's also sickening!

Edward/Bella; sorry, Jacob, vampires kick werewolf ass

Alice/Jasper; because they're destiny love

Caius/Marcus, Heidi/Everyone, Aro/Jane; they're loveless, so I love them even MOAR.

Least favorite: Edward/OC, Jacob/Bella, Sam/anyone, Leah/anyone. I thought Leah was a poor character in the book. Stephenie Meyer could have done better. Er... well, actually, the writing for that book is fairly dreadful. So maybe she couldn't. ...Still.

BIG NOTICE: I am going to ignore Breaking Dawn. Pretend it never happened. Forget about it. Because it was just that bad.

Harry Potter:

Neville/Luna; they're both so out of it! It's just adorable

Sirius/Lupin; it's complicated, making it even sexier

Tonks/Lupin; Tonks is on top. Always.

Tonks/Sirius/Lupin; Oh hell yes.

Ginny/Luna; Ginny being Luna's only friend and stuff. It's cute.

Tom Riddle/Bellatrix; evil is sexy.

Narcissa/Lucius; but no Draco.

Draco/Pansy; look, pansies!

Least favorite: Draco/Ron (??), Ginny/Harry, Harry/Hermione, Hermione/Snape, Hannah/Neville... Ron/Hermione. Used to love it, now I just... ugh. It's not endearing anymore, just tiresome.

Artemis Fowl:

None. Maybe Holly/Trouble? I didn't think they were really developed enough to ship, and there are no other boys in the book that I can pair with Artemis... -tear- My fangirl is left unsatisfied.

Great and Terrible Beauty:

Felicity/Pippa; I totally knew this one was coming.

Kartik/Gemma; Classic!love, I morned his death

That guy on the piano whose name I've already forgotten/Ann

Holly Black:

All cannon... come on, they're cute!

Talathain/Roiben; angsty past, much?

Talathain/Elebere; angsty present, much?

Elebere/Ethene: saving each other's souls, much? Plus, I completely adore Elebere

Dave/Lolli/Luis; the love triangle

Scott Westerfeld:

Zane/Tally; Zane is just so bubbly.

Shay/Fausto

Frizz/Sai; if they had met, they would have hit it off)

All cannon from Midnighters

Pearl/Zahler

Min/Moz; M&Ms!

Least favorite: David/Tally, they're just kind of boring, Pearl/Moz, too... it's just... meh. And not in the cute way, like Jonathan/Jessica

Aluminum Muse's FAQ

Q: OMG, stop flaming my stories, you flaming flamer! Why are you so mean?

A: Okay, 'flaming' is when somebody goes into a story specifically to insult a certain pairing, character, writer, genre, etc, with no regard to the actual quality of the work. An example: 'Your story SUX. Edward/Bella is a stupid pairing. Why are you so dumb?' I offer something completely different: constructive criticism. Yes, that is right. Read the last line over again, if it didn't quite sink in. Constructive criticism is NOT the same thing as flaming. I do not specifically critic stories because I am PMSing and I hate everyone. I truly believe that everyone has the ability to become a good writer if they can pull the cotton swabs out of their nostrils and smell the coffee. If I write you a review that only states things that need to be corrected, you should take away two things:

1) You have the ability to improve; otherwise, I wouldn't bother correcting you.

2) Right now, your writing is crap. So what? Ask any great writer, and they'll tell you the same thing: been there, done that. GET OVER IT, get a beta reader, and get writing again because if you don't, your writing will continue to be worthless. NOTE: I have been being nicer lately. Again, I don't want to kill your confidence, just make you better.

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Q: You say 'PMS' in your profile.

A: That's not a question, but yes, yes I do. Every month, I bleed from the vagina. The cost of having two x chromosomes, I guess. Again: GET OVER IT.

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Q: I'm only 3 years old. Doesn't that mean I don't have to write well?

A: No. I am not a teacher, my goal is not to bring you up to grade level, it is to direct you to be the best you can be. If you are writing at a Shakespearian level, then I want to bring you up to John Milton level (whom I happen to prefer. Honestly, how did Shakespeare get so famous?). ALSO: Why do people put their ages in their profile? I don't get it. There are exactly three reasons I can think of as to why:

1) You want to make friends on here in your age group. This raises a second question: why on earth would you want to do that? In real life maybe it matters how old people are, but on here, it really doesn't. Besides, this site isn't for social networking. It's for writing.

2) You want to attract creepy old people to pretend that they're your age and send you lots of nice comments and messages. A life lesson: pretty soon the niceness stops, they try to meet you in person to rape you, shoot you in the head, and drop your body off a bridge. Rape isn't usually a crime that leaves the victim alive.

3) You want to point out that you are, in fact, very young, and therefore people shouldn't be over critical of your writing. As addressed in a previous paragraph, this makes me very angry. I used to do it, too, before I realized it was TOTALLY LAME. And yes, the word lame is lame, too. Whatever.

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Q: Nobody else said my story was bad, so that means you're wrong. Why are you so wrong, you wronging wronger?

A: Maybe nobody else thinks your story needs improvement, maybe they just won't say it, maybe they can't tell. That doesn't mean that the mistakes aren't there. Just because the ancient Mayans had no concept of 0, does that mean it didn't exist? I am just a very, very critical reader. I'm looking for mistakes.

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Q: You said my story lacked character development, but aren't I supposed to write about what I know?

A: To a degree, that is true, but if all authors only wrote about themselves, all books would be autobiographies. I interpret that saying as meaning research into events and time periods is necessary when writing about something you have never experienced, not that all characters you write about must be exactly like you. Besides, you should know your characters. You made them up.

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Q: You misread my piece. I meant for it to be more of a _ as opposed to a _. Go back, read it again, and then agree with me. Now.

A: Again, not a question, but here goes the mega speech: The point of FanFiction and FictionPress is to be able to post your work, see how readers react, and use that to figure out where you need to improve. If I come away with something different than what you intended, that means that YOU DIDN'T CONVEY YOUR POINTS WELL ENOUGH. Go back. Do it over. Message me once you're done, and I'll tell you what I think the second time. Just know this: FANFICTION.NET AND FICTIONPRESS.COM ARE NOT ABOUT GETTING AUTHORS TO FAUNE OVER YOUR HALF-ASSED, BARELY-COUNTS-AS-LITERATURE CRAP, they're about getting other authors, caring with them barrels of accumulated expertise, to pass down some of their superior knowledge so that you might, just might, come away a little better. If I hurt you feelings? Boohoo. You have a computer, that probably means that you are well fed, have a non-abusive family, and have a life ahead of you if you try to make one for yourself. Don't go crying me a river if I DARED to give you an HONEST review and might have HEAVEN FORBID hurt your feelings.

Post Script Rant: When I give people this, I get this whole 'I bought this computer myself' thing. What is that supposed to mean? That you have a stable job in an economy that can support you? That you are not so severely disabled that you are unable to work or live in an extremely bigoted area that won't accept you into the job force? Wonderful. Remind me why I care.

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Q: Would you be willing to beta some stuff for me?

A: I would absolutely love to, but I am super busy lately. Super busy. Plus, I suck at spelling and grammar. I'm working to get better, but it's a process, I'm telling you. Sorry, and good luck finding a beta-reader!

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Q: Thanks for the review. You said that I should give more emotion in my piece. How do you think I could go about doing that?

A: My, what a MATURE and GRACIOUS author you are. I would be more than happy to offer some suggestions, and thank you for being a DEVOTED writer who is eager to improve, and likely will. Kudos' to you, seeing as you are obviously MADE OF WIN. Unfortunately, I'll probably only be able to give some vague suggestions until summer, when I'm opening the doors to more hardcore writing help. For now, just re-reading parts of books that you thought were powerful is probably the best thing you can do. Brainstorm some words that remind you of a particular emotion and use them, think on your real life experiences and draw from those. Language is what will make your writing spectacular, not descriptions of bodily reactions. Good luck!

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Q: Does La stand for your initials, or for Los Angeles?

A: Neither. It's loosely based on Uglies by Scott Westerfeld, but it has some accumulated meaning beyond that which I'd rather not explain.

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Q: What do you look like?

A: Female, brown eyes, almost black hair, lime green fingernails and ever changing age.

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Q: Do you want to be, like, friends forever?

A: That's pushing it. Quite frankly, no. Correspondent: sure. Friend: only if I know you in real life. Online conversations just get awkward after a while, you know?

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Finally, know that when send you a review, try to be gracious. Another perspective is always helpful, even if you disagree with something I've said. Never look gift horse in the mouth: take what you can from what I've written, and if you can't take anything, just smile and say thank and go about your merry way. I won't know the difference.

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Things I Hate (because you must be dying to know -wink-):

People who misquote popular literature (John Milton, Friedrich Nietzsche, William Shakespeare, etc...), or people who use quotes as the summaries for their stories. Feh. Come on. It's only what, 200 characters? You only have to be clever for about three sentences. That's it. At least with the really cliche awful summaries ('Hermione, a normal highschool girl, just wanted to live a quite life. Unfortunately for her, with a prince of darkness after her heart and a prince of light after her soul, that's going to be a lot harder than it sounds.') the author put in a tiny bit of effort.

Stories where the main character gets horribly brutally raped and then spends the next three zillion chapters going through a poorly researched, unrealistic, cliché recovery. To the authors: please, please, please read some stories about real rape for a change. Honestly. It's disgusting how bad most of this crap is. Also bear in mind that all people respond differently to rape, and likewise, men and women react very differently from each other. There are lots of intelligent and relatively non-graphic autobiographies out there that talk about rape. Read some! For a curve ball, start with "How to Cook Your Daughter."

Stories where teachers or adults are stupid. Alternately, stories where one of the antagonists is simply "the masses." Come on. The world isn't really out to get anyone. Most people are too lazy to be actively hostile to anyone who hasn't hurt them personally, no matter the stereotypes or gossipy buzz flying around them.

Those fake statistics people put in their profiles. "98 of kids have tried pot," "95 of kids are concerned with popularity," "97 of people have done something that obviously makes them less worthy than me." I hate it. Not only are all of these blatantly untrue, they are also almost satyrical of themselves. 200 reasons why I'm the best, put this in your profile if you agree that my severely mislead and self-important statement describes you.

For the Love of God, PLEASE research the side affects of preganacy before you start writing about it. Christ! On a related topic, I would love to see a realistic story when the pregnant girl (or boy... this is fanfiction) chooses to keep the kid not because she's super right wing or, as in Juno, too immature to really face up to being an adult, but because she discovers she's pregant late on in the pregnancy, and she's poor, or her family makes her keep it, and instead of falling in love with the father of the child over the course of 9 monthes she is rejected by everyone like most pregnant teenagers and possibly recieves some financial aid from the boy's family but is otherwise pretty much ignored. And the baby is born retard because she was just a teenager and not really healthy enough to be carrying a child. And complications from the delivery leave her infertile. And then instead of the story ending with birth, the story goes on and focuses on the dichotomy between her own youth and adulthood, and the unfair burden she must lay on her parents, and her struggles to really be a mother to the kid but also work to try to eventually be able to support them both. Yes. I'm getting so sick of all this delightful but utterly unrealistic Juno crap.

The major female stereotypes that seem to dominate fanfiction: jealous bitch, fawning fangirl whore, raging Mary-Sue complex leading lady, and vixen'o'villainy:

In the first, some "girl" (never a woman) gets angry when he boyfriend turns gay and tries to convert him heterosexuality. Firstly, understand that it's natural to be angry and hurt when your boyfriend tells you he's gay. It's worse than being broken up with. It's like, "hey, I lied to you about everything I ever told you: I'm not attracted to you, I don't care about you enough to break this off before I found someone better, I was using you because I felt like I need a girlfriend, and guess what? No one actually loves you." It's pretty intense. That being said, it doesn't make gay guy who had a girlfriend a villain either, only human. Still, she has every right to be upset. On the other hand, the whole whoring-to-get-him-back thing isn't realistic at all, and makes for a predictable plot and flat characters.

Next are the fawning fangirls, of similar construction to subject A. Whorey young women intent on luring out male protagonist down the path of wrong, often in large masses, with the ineffective use of short skirts and too-much make-up. Make-up use must be pointed out with distain several times durring the story. Must get all touchy-feely and wind up causing strife between the main couple and, by the end of the story, be humiliated publically, probably in front of her richy-rich father. Again: idiocy.

Third is Mary-Sue, who goes by many names other than OC. Sometimes she's Hermione, sometimes she's Rose, sometimes she's Winry. I don't care. The fact is, she has the man everyone else wants following her around like a drooling puppy, and she's going to have to outwit him and the pack of her other suitors several times before the romantic conclusion. Sometimes she's the hero, sometimes she's the villain no one can catch but everyone wants. Whatever the case, he'll go to the ends of the earth for her, and she'll tell him he's being silly, whip him into shape, tease him with a few kisses, then strut out of the room with her generous curves swaying enticingly. Oo-la-la. An alternate to this idea is the kind, new girl in a big school. She reads a lot of books and maybe writes some herself, sitting alone in her room each night... sigh. The fact that every boy in the school is after a space between her legs makes all the rich, mean-girls (see one and two) hate her. However, she is ony dazzled by one man, the best, the one who fights his way to the top for her them must learn to show compassion befre he can draw her into hs arms for passionate kiss (think: Bella Swan from Twilight, Belle from Beauty and the Beast, the main character in Mean Girls, Gospip Girls, Betrayed, the list goes on...). By the big kiss seen, we'll doubtless be confused as to why he wants her at all.

Finally, Miss Deep-voice-Fur-shawl. Originally spawned in Russia but now spreading all around the globe, she is a criminal who dances around her enemies with sharp words and a long holder for her cigarette. She has no character development, no motivation, no depth: she exists only to seduce men and flash a bit of skin amongst a band of meaty criminals. Her drink of choice is vodka, and her weapon of choice is softy played Frank Sinatra and bright red nail polish. Why does her appearance mean so much to her? This question is never aswered. Whatever: you know that the male protagonist will prove his strength by not falling for her charm at least once in the story.

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Finally, I'm really sorry about any typos. Spellcheck is my drug. I grind it up and sniff it off dollar bills. I smoke it in spoons over open flames and inhale it. I shoot it up through dirty needles. Literally. I'm working on it, I promise, but in the meantime, please point out any awful misspellings or cracky wording, laugh madly, then message me. Thanks!