Real and Fake Friends

FAKE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then
give it back.
REAL FRIENDS: Keep your shit so long they forget its
yours.

FAKE FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book about you with direct
quotes and a few embarrassing stories.

FAKE FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME!"

FAKE FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they
think you've had enough.
REAL FRIENDS: Will take your drink only because they have finished their own and are sure you won't kill them for drinking YOUR martini.

FAKE FRIENDS: Ask where the bathroom is.
REAL FRIENDS: Take a shower, brush their teeth, floss, gargle, then start watching TV with only a towel around them, without saying a word.

Seventeen things to do at shops

1. Get boxes of extra-small condoms and put them into people's carts when they aren't looking

2. Set all the alarms in House wares to go off at five-minute intervals

3. Make a trail of tomato juice leading to the rest rooms (preferably BEFORE the pissed janitor attempts to clean it up)

4. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a packet of M&M's on lay-by

5. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "'Code 3' in House wares"... and see what happens

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' to a carpeted area

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding section

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?!"

9. Look right into the security camera and use as it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are

11. Dart around the store suspiciously humming the 'Mission Impossible' tune

12. In the Auto-Department, practice your 'Madonna' look with different sized funnels

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the 'foetal position' and scream,” NO! NO! It's those VOICES again!"

15. Go into a fitting room and wait awhile; and then yell -very loudly-, "There's no toilet paper in here!"

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting, "Go, Pikachu, GO!

How To Annoy People At An Amusement Park

Dress up like one of the photographers and follow people around asking them repeatly if they would like their picture taken.

Leave large gaps in between you and the people in front of you while waiting in line.

Every time you pass a chain restraint not in use, clip it on and use it to hold back the people behind you in line.

Ask the person running the roller coaster if someone has recently thrown up on it.

Pretend to freak out on a ride so they stop it to let you off.

Offer people money for their spots in line...MONOPOLY money.

Speak in Spanish, or pretend you're deaf and start making rapid hand movements.

Start talking about shaving your excess body hair in line while everyone around you is silent.

Find someone and tell them you're lost. Use your best acting skills.

Steal all of the pennies out of the water fountains.

Go up to the boy band wanna-be group and pretend to be really excited and ask for their autographs, reassuring them that they're gonna make it big soon.

Take an Alka-Seltzer tablet and begin to have spasmatic movements in your body while foaming at the mouth at the very top of the tallest ride.

Ask the ride attendant if you cannot ride because you are under the influence of herione, marijuana, crack, and every other drug you can think of.

Begin to cry when they start the merry-go-round and have them stop it because you're too scared to go all the way.

Start talking loudly about the last time you got stuck upside-down on this ride, scaring everyone in line around you.

Ask someone that looks like they're in a hurry for directions.

Complain about how dirty the seat is, and demand they clean it off.

Walk up to anyone in the park, and say "Hi, my name is your name" and offer a handshake.

Ask ANYONE for their autograph.

Advertise for a theme park...one you're not at.

Find someone to tell your life story to.

Whisper right in someone's ear, "I know what you did last summer."

Comment how good you look in every picture of you on a ride.

Make fun of everyone else in every set of pictures taken during the rides.

Go up to every character walking around and give them a big hug and call them your "hero."

Ride every water ride and inform everybody with you that you can't swim and everyone's gonna drown.

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. When caught sleeping at school/work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping, and you are woken up, shout, "AMEN!"

5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6.In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana

7.Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .

Copy and Paste this To Make People who read bios Smile.

Ways to Annoy people at the cinema:

Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"

Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.

Clap when a good guy gets killed.

During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"

Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"

Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.

Tell the man selling popcorn that the bathroom is flooding.

Yell out what is going to happen.

Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.

Say that they cannot sit next to you because you invisible friend already is.

Dress for every movie as if it were the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Use empty chairs next to you as catapults with candy. Aim at specific people behind you and see if you can hit anyone in the back row.

Wear 3D glasses. Complain loudly how bad the effects are.

Bring a flashlight. In the middle of the film do shadow puppets on the ceiling.

Bring a remote control. Complain that you can't change the channel.

Sit front row, the minute the movie starts run out screaming.

Bring a beach ball. Toss it around.

Try to start a wave.

Become a bookie. Take bets on who will die first.

Sit in the back and throw eggs at the projection window.

Every time someone curses cover your ears and scream, "No profanity!"

Sing with the theme music.

Bring and use your own air freshener.

At the ticket booth, request tickets for really old movies, "I'll have two tickets for the Goonies."

Throw spit wads on the screen. Try throwing them on the upper part of the screen so they can't get scraped off.

Pass around a collection plate and see if anyone contributes.

Point a laser pointer at the screen. Give the audience a laser light show.

Bring a book and a bright light. Start reading the book with the light on. When someone asks you to turn out the light, yell, "Shh, I'm trying to read!"

Use binoculars. Stare at the audience rather than the movie.

Bring a Nintendo laser gun. Shoot at the screen.

Clap loudly every time a person walks into the theater late.

When someone kicks the back of your chair, scream, "Ahhh, whiplash!"

Ask what the theater's return policy on popcorn is.

Ask the person at the ticket window, "Do you work here?"

Start a standing ovation at the end of the movie.

Quote all dialogue 4 seconds after it is said on the screen.

Get up frequently and leave the room while singing "Let's all go to the Lobby to get ourselves a treat"

Every time there is a gun shot scream, "Hit the floor!", jump on the floor, and cover your head.

Wear one of those "cat in the hat" top hats.

Play musical chairs, getting up frequently and moving right next to someone sitting by themself.

Bring your own beanbag chair and sit in the aisle.

Before the movie begins, tape fart cusions to various chairs in the theater room.

Bring a portable air popper, pop your own popcorn.

Bring a watergun and shoot it at anyone who begins talking then say very loudly, "SHH!"

Before the commercials start and people are just coming in and shout so that people outside can hear, "I'M SO VERY SORRY! YOU'RE TOO LATE!"

Tie a cardboard box around your waist and walk up and down the aisles shouting "Get your popcorn, peanuts!"

Cough really loudly right at the most important part of the movie, so nobody can here it, like when the killer's name is going to be said.

Laugh hysterically during the sad parts in the movie, cry during the funny ones.

Bring a pager or cellphone and set them off every 5 minutes, you can also set off a watch alarm if you have a loud one.

Say "Shhhhh" every 5 minutes.

Pass by a room that's showing a movie you've already seen, put your head into the room, and scream the end

Fun Things To Do In A Lift

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag,
peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in
there?"

2) STAND silent and motionless in the
corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt
and strain to yank the doors open, then
act as if you're embarrassed when they
open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake
and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a
while. Then announce in horror: "You're
one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And
push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone
presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger
for a while, then announce: "I have new
socks on."

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look
around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12) TRY to make personal calls on the
emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor
with chalk and announce to the other
passengers: "This is my personal space."

14) WHEN there's only one other person
in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they
give you a shock. Smile, and go back for
more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for
other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you're
waiting for your friend. After a while,
let the doors close and say "Hi Greg,
How's your day been?"

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone
reaches to help pick it up, then scream:
"That's mine!"

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of
everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant
and review emergency procedures and
exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.

22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it

Quotes:

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile

"Judge by cause, not by effect." -Ancient Egyptian proverb.

"War brings pain and injury and death to both sides."-Pein (Naruto)

"The ability to tell if a person is righteous is not something a human can do"-Adolf Hitler

"You are weak, because you lack hatred"-Itachi Uchiha (Naruto

"People shouldn't be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people."-V (V for Vendetta)

"Do or do not, there is no 'try'." - Yoda

"I learned at a very young age that I cannot trust in or count on anyone but myself. To do so invites deceit and despair and opens a vulnerability that can be exploited. To do so is a weakness." - Artemis Entreri

"When life gives you lemons, make cranberry juice and let the world figure out how the fuck you did it"-FloofyFan13 on deviantArt

"We stole the Eagle from the Air Force, the Anchor from the Navy, and the Rope from the Army. On the 7th day while god rested, we overran his perimeter and stole the Globe, and we've been running the show ever since. We live like soldiers and talk like sailors, and slap the hell out of both of them. Soldier by day, lover by night, drunkard by choice, Marine by GOD!!"-The Marines, most badass mothereffers on the whole planet!

"Could you be...a little less talk and a little bit more "Shut the hell up"?"-Dr. Daniel Jackson, Starget S-1

"Go fuck yourself"-Dick Chaney

"Let this remind you why you once feared the dark."-Prince Nuada (Hellboy 2)

"Them, or us. You must choose which holocaust."-Prince Nuada (Hellboy 2)

"i don't think there is a 'good' or a 'bad', i just think that the world is just drowned in an endless sea of grey."

" If two wrongs don't make a right, than maby a third will?"- unknown

"I'm the ENEMY, you idiot!"-Gato to Kou

-"Rules were meant to be broken why do you think rulers were made? Certainly not for a line I hope"

-"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past"-George Caroline

-"A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience"- Doug Larson

-"No, you don't get it, that's why I'm telling you. You think you get it, which isn't the same as actually getting it. Get it?" -Kakashi Hatake

-When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

-I got kicked out of Barnes & Nobles for moving the religious books into the fiction section.

-Ultimate Fail, is but a thing of the past for your level of fail, for you have failed so hard, the meaning of the word fail, does not fail enough to describe your fail.-Found this one on a profile.

-A university professor set an examination question in which he asked what is the difference between ignorance and apathy. The professor had to give an A+ to a student who answered: I don't know and I don't care.

-That which doesn't kill you... will probably try again.

-Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.

-even an idiot can seem wise if he doesn't talk.

-This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force.

-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.

-Don't worry if you die I'll give you 100.

-If you die I swear I'll kill you

-The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

-Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to

-To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail

-Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you!

-Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

-When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

-If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

-I'm scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because every time I fall in love...it never seems to last

-don't regret doing things, regret getting caught

-everyone in life has a purpose, even if it's to serve as a BAD EXAMPLE

-Life's not all bad. Look into somebody's eyes, you'll see that they're a person just like you, they also have good and bad feelings, hopes and dreams.

-Learn from the mistakes of others, because you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

-If at first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!

-Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door...

-You laugh at me because I'm strange; I laugh at you because you're all boring and normal!

-Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

-You can't free a bird if it ain't gunna fly. You can't live a life if you don't ask "Why?"

-There are people I would take a bullet for and people I would like to put a bullet in

-If God didn't want me to do it he would have stopped me

-Only after the last tree has been cut down,
only after the last river has been poisoned,
only after the last fish has been caught,
only then will we realize that money cannot be eaten

-If you do it you'll regret it, if you don't do it you'll regret it, either way your going to regret it, you might as well just do it

A ninja waits until the dead of night, when the enemy sleeps and drops his guard, when his weapons lie forgotten in the stillness of the night, that is the moment for a ninja to strike." Copy and Paste if your a Ninja!

"Trust your beliefs, and your blade. They will get you through life"

"Believe, and you shall recieve!" Indy Greeni

"There is always hope." Aragorn

"It doesn't matter. I believe anyone can be what they want to be, or do what they want to do, so long as they believe in themselves. I'll always believe in you, so believe in yourself." Arashen Uzuma

"Love is powerful. True love, that's just life itself."

"What's the point in living, if you can't feel alive?" Elektra King

"When life gives you lemons, reach across the counter, shove them in life's mouth, and say 'I ordered apples. Where are they?'"

"If I knew what was going on, would I be asking?"

"If you were me, then I'd be you, and we wouldn't be having this conversation, would we?"

"If it was easy, what would be the point?"

"I wish I knew what happen. Then I could blame someone."

"5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions."

"667. Evil and then some."
"Always forgive your enemies, because nothing annoys them more."
"And to think, you're the end result of millions of years of evolution."
"A nuclear war can ruin your whole day."
"Are you a side effect of my medication?"
"Behold! The All-American weapon of mass destruction: choking on a pretzel."
"Boys are like pennies, two-faced and worthless."
"Chaos...Panic...Disorder...My work here is done."
"Come talk to me when you have some money."
"Come to the dark side; we have cookies."
"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup."
"Don't drink and drive; you might spill your beer!"
"Don't interupt me when I'm talking to myself."
"Don't tell me to watch my blood pressure. I have no blood!"
"Eat right, exercise, die anyway."
"Fight Organized Crime: Abolish the IRS."
"For the record, I blame you."
"Gnomeland Secrurity."
"Gone to my happy place. Back soon."
"Goose a dragon and you're toast."
"Happiness is like wetting your pants. Other people can see it and only you can feel it."
"Have a nice day but leave me out of it."
"Here I am. Now what are your other two wishes?"
"I did NOT escape. They gave me a day pass."
"Idiocy is the essence of the male mind."
"I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to."
"I don't get mad, I get even."
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"If I die, I'm taking you with me! Oh...you're dying? Forget I said anything."
"If the opposite of 'pro' is 'con', what's the opposite of 'progress'?"
"If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk."
"If you want breakfast in bed, go sleep in the kitchen."
"If you wish not to be destroyed, you will leave me alone."
"I hate it when I get food in my sand."
"I have a dream, and in it something eats you."
"I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed."
"I like it in my happy place, for they know me there."
"I like stress. It makes me hurt people."
"I'm an angel! I swear! The horns are just there to hold the halo in place!"
"I'm not littering, I'm donating to the earth."
"I'm only afraid of knives when you're holding them."
"I'm too tired to tell the truth."
"I'm up, I'm dressed, what more do you want?"
"Instant Human: just add coffee."
"I put ketchup on my ketchup."
"Is there a hyphen in obsessive-compulsive?"
"It's bad luck to be superstitious."
"It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for."
"I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead."
"I've said it once, but it's worth repeating. Anime: Crack is cheaper."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like grandfather...not screaming like the passengers in his car."
"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."
"Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard; be evil."
"Last night, as I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, I thought, "Where hell is my ceiling?"
"Lincoln's Gettysburg address had 272 words. The Ten Commandments had 296 words. The U.S. Department of Agriculture setting the price of cabbage has 15,297 words."
"Manga: The Anti-Drug. Because when you're addicted to manga, how could you possibly afford drugs?!"
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all shut the hell up."
"My homework ate my dog!"
"My life is too much for me to keep up with. I want my sippy cup back."
"My mind works like lightning...One brilliant flash and it's gone."
"No need to suffer in silence when you can still moan, whimper, and complain."
"NO TRESPASSING. Violators will be shot; survivors will be shot again."
"Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool."
"Of course I don't look busy; I did it right the first time."
"Of course I'm out of my mind!...It's dark and scary in there..."
"Of course violence isn't the answer. 'Violence' is the question and 'yes' is the answer!"
"Only in America do drive-in ATM's have Braille lettering."
"Only in America do pizzas arrive at doorsteps faster than ambulances."
"Only in America do they sell hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight."
"Only in America is the slowest traffic time of the day reffered to as 'rush hour'"
"Ow, my brain hurts."
"Please do not throw anything or anybody into the fish pond."
"Sarcasm is just one more survice I offer."
"Self Destruct in 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. Have a nice day. (explodes)"
"Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver."
"Smile. It confuses people."
"Sorry, mind closed until further notice."
"Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed."
"Sugar is good for you."
"Take one step closer and I'll run away."
"Tell me your sob story...I need a good laugh."
"That which doesn't kill you...Will probably try again."
"The ability to speak doesn't make you intelligent."
"The newscaster is the person who says 'Good evening' and then tells you why it's not."
"The stupider people think you are, the more suprised they are when you kill them."
"There is a fine line between insanity and stupidity. Feel free to cross it!"
"There's too much blood in my caffeine system!"
"They say I have A.D.H.D., but I just don't understa- oh look! A kitty!"
"They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?"
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target."
"Tucking fypos!"
"When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing."
"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it."
"Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?"
"You can't spell slaughter without laughter."
"You cry, I'll cry. You laugh, I'll laugh. You fall out of a window, I'll laugh."
"Your chances of getting struck by lightning increase if you stand under a tree, shake your fist up at the sky, and yell, 'Storms suck!'"
"Your participle is dangling."

"Your not paranoid there really out to get you"

f you've ever wondered where these 'copy this into your profiles' have come from...copy into your profile.

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.

Life isn't passing me by, its trying to run me over.

People say "Guns don't kill people, People kill people!" Well, I think guns help. If you stood there and yelled Bang, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

When Life gives you lemons, squirt them in Life's eyes.

If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews for one of your stories, copy and paste this into your profile

If you think that the government should keep "One nation under God..." in the pledge of allegiance, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever missed your mouth when trying to take a sip of water, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you’ve ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you've ever thought about something when you were talking about something else,copy and paste this into your profile.

When life give you lemons, make apple juice and let the world wonder how you did it.

Everyone has a wild side--me and my friends just prefer to make them public

There is no "I" in team but the is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...

If you've ever misspelled "the" on either your keyboard, or a paper, or both, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever choked on air (or any other substance you thought impossible to choke on), copy this in your profile.

This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence

If I had no sense of humor then I would have commited suicide long ago - Mahatma
Ghandi

Do not argue with an idiot, he will drag you down to his level and beat you with
experience

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill
them

Some people say 'if you can't beat them, join them'. I say 'If you can't beat
them, beat them', because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will
have the element of surprise

If at first you don't succeed...go back and reload the gun

Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat

There are few problems that can’t be solved with high explosives

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three

That news traveled faster than heroin through an addicts veins.

EMO=Extravagantly Made Oragami

YOUTUBE myspace and I'll Google your YAHOO

Labels are for cans. And in case you haven't noticed--Im not a can.

Normal is just a setting on washing machines

Take Time To Read Each Sentence

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is retard cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now read the THIRD word of every line

Stupidest Things On Products

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows day . . .)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)

On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon.)

On a Myer hairdryer:"Do not use while sleeping."(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."(Wow. That's really helpful)

On a child's superman costume:"Wearing of this garment does not enableyou to fly". (Awh, that's the whole purpose of buying the costume!)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On a package of pasta after the cooking instructions:"Put on fork and eat."(No! Really? We're supposed to eat food?!)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how??)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But, it's just a suggestion)

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of
the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and
break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something
to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth
and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt
on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA"You'll sit there until all that
spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if
a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told
you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this
world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like
your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. " There are millions of less
fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16 My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get
home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when
you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing
your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I
know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me. "

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do
you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll
understand."

And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll
have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you".

A Message

If you can read this message, you are blessed because over two billion people in the world cannot read at all:

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty

uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal

pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a

rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't

mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the

olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer

be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl

mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed

ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas toghuht slpeling

was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!

If you could read that put it in your profile!

You know when you live in 2007 when...

1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2.) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have a screen name or my space

4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV

6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.

7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) You were too busy nodding and smiling to notice no. 5.

10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a no. 5.

11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly. Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did.

You're a 90's kid if:

You can finish this 'ice ice _'
You remember watching Doug, Ren & Stimpy, Pinky and the Brain, Bobby's World, Felix the cat, The Tick...AAAAAAAH Real Monsters!
You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"
You just cant resist finishing this . . . "Iiiiiiin west philidelphia born and raised . . ."
You remember TGIF, Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World.
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
You remember reading "Goosebumps"
You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence . . . not
If you remember seeing hot tub bubbles make bubbly sounds before every music video on VH1.
when everything was settled by rock paper scissors..or bubble gum bubble gum in a dish...eeny meeny miney mo...and even better daddy had a donkey inky binky bonky.
You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time.
"Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" was both a game and a TV game show.
Captain Planet. He's a Hero.
You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green ranger, were meant to be together.
You remember when Super Nintendos and Sega Genisis became popular.
You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos . . . but never taped anything funny.
You remember watching Home Alone 1, 2 , and 3 . . . and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"
You remember watching The Magic School Bus, Wishbone, and Reading Rainbow on PBS.
You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.
You remember those Where's Waldo books.
You remember eating Warheads.
You remember watching the 1st Batman, Aladdin, Ninja Turtles, and 3 Ninjas movies.
You remember Ring Pops.
You remember drinking Surge, and Tang.
If you remember when every thing was "da BOMB!"
When they made the new lunchables so that you could make pizza AND tacos.
You remember boom boxes vs. cd players.
Making those little paper cootie-catcher things, and then predicting your life with them.
You played and/or collected "Pogs"
You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano and brought it everywhere.
You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.
And Windows 95 was the best.
You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers, and Ninja Turtles.
Michael Jordan was a king.
All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.
You remember when the new Beanie Babies and Talking Elmo were always sold out.
You collected those Beanie Babies.
Carebears
Lambchop's song never ended.
The old dollar bills.
Silver dollars, which were cool to have.
You remember a time before the WB.
You collected all the Troll dolls
If you even know what an original walkman is.
You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
You know the Macarena by heart.
"Talk to the hand" . . . nough said
You always said, "Then why don't you marry it?!"
You remember trying to collect all 150 original pokemon cards but never could and if you did you thought you were all that!
You remember Highlight's magazine.
You went to McDonald's to play in the playplace.
You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground.
Before the MySpace frenzy . . .
Before the Internet & text messaging . . .
Before Sidekicks & iPods . . .
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX . . .
Before Spongebob . . . (O_0 ...wtf
Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.
When light up sneakers were cool.
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When gas was 0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was The new thing.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs.
When gameboy was a brick.
You did MASH to figure out your future
Way back.
Before we realized all this would eventually disappear.
Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!
Post this in your profile if you remember these days . . . .
or if you smiled at one of these things

In order to find what needs to be found you must first loose it, which means you kneed to be lost in order to find want needs to be found that you actually lost which is now found...get it