Author has written 8 stories for Orson Scott Card, Code Lyoko, Fire Emblem, and World Ends With You.

Likes: Books: Artemis Fowl, Ender Saga, His Dark Materials, The Giver

Movies: Harry Potter, The Blues Brothers

Hobbies: Writing, playing games, reading, listening to music.

Music: Belle & Sebastian, The Ramones, The Who

TV Shows: Code Lyoko, Drake & Josh, Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide

Dislikes: People who automatically assume they're smarter then you, people who spread rumors, people who trade individuality for popularity.

Writes: Code Lyoko, Orson Scott Card, Original Stuff

Felixisms are those little wisdoms I spout at random. Here are some: 'Too many things in this universe are stupid.' 'If you walk a thousand steps, your feet will bleed with wisdom. If you take the elevator, you'll get there faster anyway.' 'If the other guy is gonna die no matter what you do, why bother dying along side him?' 'Why suffer in silence when you can piss everyone off by screaming?' 'There are a million million different types of people out there. If you want me to recite all the categories, you're too stupid to walk and breath at the same time.' 'If A equals B, then C is just in big trouble, isn't it? (Don't ask me what that means.)' 'Change your name to Albert Aaaaasmith. You'll be the first person in the phonebook. You'll beat Arnold Aaaason.'

Likes: Books: Artemis Fowl, Ender Saga, His Dark Materials, The Giver

Movies: Harry Potter, The Blues Brothers

Hobbies: Writing, playing games, reading, listening to music.

Music: Belle & Sebastian, The Ramones, The Who

TV Shows: Code Lyoko, Drake & Josh, Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide

Dislikes: People who automatically assume they’re smarter then you, people who spread rumors, people who trade individuality for popularity.

Writes: Code Lyoko, Orson Scott Card, Original Stuff

Felixisms are those little wisdoms I spout at random. Here are some: ‘Too many things in this universe are stupid.’ ‘If you walk a thousand steps, your feet will bleed with wisdom. If you take the elevator, you’ll get there faster anyway.’ ‘If the other guy is gonna die no matter what you do, why bother dying along side him?’ ‘Why suffer in silence when you can piss everyone off by screaming?’ ‘There are a million million different types of people out there. If you want me to recite all the categories, you’re too stupid to walk and breathe at the same time.’ ‘If A equals B, then C is just in big trouble, isn’t it? (Don’t ask me what that means.)’ ‘Change your name to Albert Aaaaasmith. You’ll be the first person in the phonebook. You’ll beat Arnold Aaaason.’

Quotes: (I’m changing names of people talking(except my own(which is Felix)))

LOL. For a while I pretended this blog was a TV show script, and some people told me to make it into a movie. If only they knew what living it was like...

Note: I have four friends. Ela, Sam, Jean-luc, and Edward. Ela and Edward don’t come in until later on. Just to give you an idea of what things look like, I’m thirteen, and so is everyone except Ela, who’s twelve. I have brown hair, contacts, and am always wearing cargo pants and a t-shirt. I also wear a green hoody really often. My eyes are brown and everyone says it’s because I’m full of crap. As opposed to the muscle of Jean-luc and Sam and the non-athleticism of Edward, I’m thin and all my strength comes from speed and acrobatics. I’m also the kid who spends most time on the computer and have wanted to be a writer since I was five. Jean-luc is five foot six and he’s muscled. He has black hair, though he claims it’s very dark brown. He wears glasses. He’s the most nihilistic of the lot, but it’s mostly a game as he’s enthusiastic about some things and has never considered suicide. Edward is always wearing long sleeved shirts and jeans. He’s a redhead, and is the third tallest in the group after me and Jean-luc. He’s more sophisticated then the rest of us, and writes plays as opposed to my stories. Sam wears shorts even when it’s subzero and is African American. He’s an athlete. He wears t-shirts and sweatshirts regularly. People consider him the dim bulb of our group, but since his grade average is A- (Despite that being the lowest out of any of us.) Whatever I say about Ela is not rancorous. Just observation. We’ve all agreed she’s not ugly, though Edward and I have a higher opinion of her beauty then Jean-luc and Sam. Her hair is brown. She always wears it in a ponytail. She wears contacts for the same reason I do. She fights too much and glasses get in her way. That’s ironic, because everyone calls her Princess. Like me, she’s more of an acrobat then muscleman. She also takes too much pleasure in sarcasm and goofing off, just like the rest of us. As for the five not-as-important people, there’s Sandra, Teacher, Katie, Jerry, and Robert. Sandra’s the stereotypical hot girl. Sam is obsessed with her and Ela hates her guts. As for me, I can see she’s smarter then most people think and a hell of a lot more manipulative. Teacher’s the teacher. Enough said. Katie is a priss. She’s the kind of girl who says darling a lot. I hate her more than I should. But hey, everyone has someone they can’t stand. For Jean-luc, it’s Jerry. Jerry is really annoying but not as mean as most people assume. It’s because he hangs out with Robert, who most people hate, but Ela hates him most of all. He is obsessed with her. I’m serious. He paints pictures of her in art class. He leaves love notes in her locker every other day. Plus he hates my guts because I’m Ela’s best friend and am therefore competition. I don’t love Ela, but sometimes we’ve considered fake-dating just to piss him off. Oh yeah, and there’s Sarah, Ela’s roommate, who has a crush on me. Therefore she hates Ela, though she pretends not to. Oh yeah, there’s also Mr. Yuiop, who teaches Ela’s grade. There’s also my sister, Ivanova (12), and an insane kid, Ingrid (13). I guess I should also mention Harry, Yvonne, Troy, and Devon. They act inconspicuous but they have a penchant for annoying people if they want to. And there’s Gymmaster Sid, who likes to be called Mr. Cabbailih. He teaches P.E. Welcome to my life.

Sam: You, Felix, have a sick obsession with writing.

Felix: But Sam, if I didn’t make you proofread my writing, how would you have learned to read?

Sam: You suck.

• Sam, Felix, on writing

Felix: Okay, so Sam walks by and we drop a bucket of water on his head?

Jean-luc: And we tell him it’s urine.

Sam: Wonder what Felix and Jean-luc are doing? (Walks by)

Jean-luc: (Dumps bucket on Felix’s head)

Felix: I’m really going to get you.

Sam: Hey! I was in on it too!

• Felix, Sam, Jean-luc, on pranks

Jean-luc: Only French movies are good. It’s just true.

Felix: You’re just a Francophile. Japanese animation is good.

Jean-luc: You’re a Code Lyoko freak. That’s French.

Felix: True. I never said France wasn’t completely awesome. I just said it’s not the only awesome place in the world.

Jean-luc: Shows like Drake and Josh aren’t really funny either. It’s just the same thing over and over.

Felix: Because France didn’t make it.

Sam: (Jumps on Jean-luc) I’m gonna get you!

• Felix, Sam, Jean-luc, on movies, TV shows, and France

Sam: Felix, I swear to god, Ela loves you.

Jean-Luc: It’s true.

Ela: I will get you two. Especially Sam. (Stares angrily at Sam)

Sam: Not if I get you first. (Stares back angrily)

Felix: You two look like you’re about to make out.

Ela and Sam: (Fall backward)

Ela: Truce?

Sam: Truce.

Ela and Sam: (Chase Felix back into house)

• Ela, Felix, Sam, Jean-luc, on love

Edward: Sam, you are stupid beyond belief.

Sam: Don’t mock me! I’m about as happy to be tutored in math as you are to be tutoring me.

Felix: I like math. At least, I like higher math. Sam has to be taught how to add.

Ela, Jean-luc, Edward: (Laugh)

Sam: Someday, Felix.

Felix: How many days? Or is that too complicated?

Sam: (Attacks Felix)

Edward: Does every conversation we have end in a fistfight?

Ela: Or a chase scene. Isn’t life great?

• Ela, Edward, Felix, Sam, Jean-luc, on math

School Newspaper Person: Sam, please describe your friends for us.

Sam: Ela is nuts and won’t admit she likes Felix, but other then that she’s fine, Edward is so sophisticated that it gives people headaches just to talk to him, Jean-luc is three steps away from emo, and Felix is a wise-ass who’s too smart for his own damn good.

S.N.P.: Ela, same question.

Ela: Sam’s stupid and violent, but occasionally does some random amazing thing that makes you want to be his friend, Edward has good ideas and occasionally acts upon them, Jean-luc is homesick for France and nihilistic but he’s smart, and Felix is clever and a little too militant for me to like him, whatever anyone says.

S.N.P.: Edward?

Edward: Ela is extremely smart and, no matter what she says, is as militant as Felix, though I don’t think she likes him, Sam is an idiot savant who is often dumb but is occasionally smarter then all of us, Jean-luc has a realistic vision of the world and is going to likely to end up as a politician, and Felix is very smart.

S.N.P.: Jean-luc, you’re next.

Jean-luc: I share a lot of Sam’s views on the Felix-Ela issue, which is actually a huge discussion topic among the rest of us. I think Ela likes Felix, but I’m not sure, and I know she’s smarter then Sam thinks. Edward is good at getting along and has a lot of good tricks up his sleeve. Sam is smarter then anyone gives him credit for. Felix sees things the way I see them but interprets them differently. He may or may not like Ela but it’s irrelevant because he’ll never acknowledge Ela likes him unless she says it to him face to face.

S.N.P.: Last but not least, Felix.

Felix: Just to be clear on this, my feelings toward Ela are entirely big brotherly. She’s a year younger then the rest of us and I want to make sure she comes out of this all right. Whatever Jean-luc or Sam say, I don’t believe she likes me either. Edward is as clever as me and uses it better. Sam is actually pretty smart and we all know it, no matter exactly how we phrase it. My making fun of him is a sign of friendship. Jean-luc may be a bit depressed sometimes but he also lets things go faster and better then any of us.

S.N.P.: One or two more questions. First of all, you have just heard a lot about what you think of each other. Does this make you feel better or worse about being friends?

Felix: Better.

Sam: Same.

Ela: You can’t really be friends with someone until you tell the truth about them. Better.

Jean-luc: As Felix could tell you, I love to argue, so this can only make things better.

Edward: Absolutely better.

S.N.P.: One more question. Just for Jean-luc, Edward, and Sam. If Felix and Ela came right out of it and started dating, how would that make you feel?

Sam: Like I have the right to say ‘I told you so’ 28,409 times.

Edward: Unchanged. They can date or not date; it’s none of my business.

Jean-luc: I would hunt down their journals and see how long they had actually liked each other and kept it secret.

Felix: Don’t have a journal.

S.N.P.: One more question, this time just for Felix and Ela. Obviously the majority of your friends think you’re in love. How does that make you feel?

Felix: Sam and Jean-luc fell for the most fickle girl in school and both got dumped within a month. They have no right to preach to me.

Ela: Like the rubber band traps I set up before we agreed to this damn interview are going to go off any minute.

Sam: You set traps?! (Is shot by rubber bands) Ow! Ow! Damn it!

Jean-luc: (Is shot by rubber bands) You suck! Ow! Damn!

Felix and Ela: (Quietly exchange high-fives)

Edward: Wow. Felix, were you in on it too?

Felix: Of course. I added the paper-clip second wave.

Jean-luc: Paper clips?

Sam: Second wave?

Sam and Jean-luc: (Are shot by paper-clips and rubber bands)(Shouting in a jumble) Ow! Damn! You suck, Ela! Damn! You too, Felix!

S.N.P.: The Friendships Column will love this! Thanks, guys!

Edward: Hey, Felix, is this going on your Fanfiction Bio?

Felix: Oh, hell, yeah.

• Felix, Ela, Edward, Jean-luc, Sam, on each other, love, and rubber band-paper-clip traps

Jerry: Sarah, you’ve known them longer then I have. Is there a love triangle there?

Sarah: I think it’s a bit more complicated then that. I say Edward and Jean-luc like Ela and are torn up every time she so much as talks to Felix. On the other hand, I think Ela does like Felix, and I think Felix likes Ela deep down. Of course, Felix is only a genius when it comes to military tactics and words and numbers, and I have to say he is uncanny at guessing what other people are thinking or feeling. About himself though, he’s clueless. He isn’t likely to realize he likes Ela unless she says something first, and she won’t, so their relationship is pretty much dead. But Ela is just as good as Felix at figuring other people out. If they just took one damn serious look at each other, they’d be a couple.

Robert: (Walks over, sits down) You’re forgetting your importance in this. You’re one of two girls Jean-luc has dated.

Sarah: He dated me on the rebound after the Most Fickle One dumped him.

Robert: You’d have to be blind not to see Sam likes you now.

Jerry: Has anyone noticed that as soon as Jean-luc breaks up with a girl, Sam starts drooling over her?

Felix, Ela, Edward, Jean-luc, Sam: (Walk up)

Felix: Are you talking about us?!

Ela: I wouldn’t have expected it of you, Sarah.

Sam: Get them?

Felix, Ela, Edward, Jean-luc: Get them.

~~~Several Violent Minutes Later~~~

Jerry: Ow... (Is lying in dirt next to Sarah and Robert)

Sam: He can still talk!

~Several More Violent Minutes Later~

Jerry: ...

Sam: I’m satisfied. Are you guys?

Jean-luc: Yeah.

Edward: Absolutely.

Ela: Yep.

Felix I’m done. Hot dogs on me?

Sam, Jean-luc, Edward, Ela: Cool!

Felix, Sam, Jean-luc, Edward, Ela: (Go get hot dogs. Felix doesn’t have enough cash. Splits bill with Edward)

Edward: There. I no longer owe you five bucks.

Felix: Awesome. Jean-luc, you owe me two, Ela, you owe me one and a half, Sam, and you owe me ten.

Sam: Ten?! Why?!

Felix: The Clam Salad-Robot Incident.

Sam: Oh. Right. I’ll pay you back soon enough.

• Felix, Ela, Sam, Jean-luc, Edward, other kids, on relationships, violence, hot dogs, money, and the Clam Salad-Robot Incident

Felix: Jean-luc, go get me a sandwich.

Jean-luc: Every time you come over to my house you say that. Why do you think I’ll get you one this time?

Felix: Because this time I said please.

Jean-luc: No you didn’t!

Felix: Didn’t I?

Jean-luc: Did you?

• Felix, Jean-luc on sandwiches

Ela: So if we were all standing on a cliff with anchors tied to our feet and you only had time to save one of us before the rest dropped, whom would you save?

Felix: Are you joking? I’d let you all go over the edge.

Ela: Seriously.

Felix: How do I know? I’d cheat. I’d get a helicopter or something. Save you all.

Ela: Cheater.

Felix: Yes, it’s so horrible that I can’t decide which of my friends die.

Ela: Cheater.

Felix: Shut up.

Ela: Cheater.

• Felix, Ela, on death, cheating

Sam: Pay you ten bucks to tell Felix how you feel.

Ela: I don’t feel anything.

Sam: Twenty?

Ela: I won’t lie for any amount of money.

Sam: Three hundred?

Ela: Yeah, I’ll lie for that.

Sam: But I was never asking you to lie.

Ela: (Chases Sam)

• Ela, Sam, on lying for money

Bear with me, folks. I am now writing a saga of conversations through Saint Valentine’s Day. We were in school. And it didn’t turn out great.

Felix: (Whispering) Sam! You’re drooling! Stop looking at her!

Sam: (Whispering) You gave her that box of chocolates, didn’t you?

Felix: (Whispering) What?

Sam: That isn’t a denial!

Felix: What the heck? Even if I had, I have the right!

Sam: (Shouting) You did! You’re a traitor!

Felix: (Shouting) I did not! And if I had, I’m allowed!

Sam: (Shouting) Not when you know full well that I-

Teacher: Sam! Felix! To the principal’s office, now!

Felix: You see what you do?

~~~Another Class~~~

Ela: (Whispering) Do you really think Felix likes me?

Sarah: (Whispering) Yeah. The box was totally from him.

Ela: (Whispering) But what if we’re wrong? What if Felix doesn’t like me and I look like an idiot?

Sarah: (Whispering) I’ve never been wrong.

Ela: Yes, you have, very often.

Sarah: What? (Flicks Ela’s arm)

Ela: Don’t flick me. (Flicks back)

Sarah: You always do this! You are so weird, I can’t even say the name Felix without you freaking out!

Ela: (Shouting) Maybe if you weren’t always so wrong about everything-

Sarah: (Shouting) I’m not wrong, you just don’t do what I tell you! (Punches Ela’s arm)

Ela: (Starts fighting Sarah)

Teacher: Both of you! Principal’s office!

Ela: Damn.

Sarah: (Shouting) You teachers! Can’t you see? Can’t you ever see what’s all around you?

Teacher: Now!

~~~Another Class~~~

Jean-luc: (Whispering) I got a box of chocolates from someone.

Edward: (Whispering) You shouldn’t talk in class.

Jean-luc: I wonder who sent it? Do you think it was Ela or Sarah as a prank?

Edward: (Whispering) You’re gonna get in trouble.

Jean-luc: (Shouting) Are you even listening to me?

Teacher: Edward! Why do you have to provoke people like that? To the principal’s office. Now.

Edward: But I just-

Teacher: Now! Jean-luc, I’ll let you off with a warning.

Edward: Jeez.

~The Principal’s Office~

Principal: So what did you do?

Felix: Defended my rights.

Sam: Fought for my true love.

Ela: Kept my honor.

Edward: Tried to save a friend.

Sarah: Told the truth.

Principal: Oh my. Um... Detention, then. Four hours a day for two weeks. All of you. Starting tomorrow. Now get out.

~~Outside School~~

Jean-luc: I had a great Valentine’s Day! How about you guys?

Everyone Else: (Growls) (Jumps on Jean-luc)

Jean-luc: Ow! Ow! Was it something I said?

~~Other Side Of Grounds~~

Jerry: I told you all we had to do was drop a few boxes of chocolates and we could make Valentine’s Day fun.

Robert: You were absolutely right.

• The Trials of Saint Valentine’s Day

Yay freaking Valentine’s Day. Now I can do Halloween.

Sam: What are you supposed to be?

Felix: Beelzebub, from Paradise Lost.

Sam: What?

Felix: (Sighs) A demon.

Sam: Oh. Cool.

Felix: I can tell you’re a wizard. Which one?

Sam: Gandalf.

Felix: Oh no! We aren’t allowed to be any character that’s been in movies that are more famous then the books! Quick! Say you’re Merlin!

Sam: I’m sure it will be ok.

Teacher: Felix, what are you?

Felix: Beelzebub. From John Milton’s Paradise Lost.

Teacher: Um... Ok. Sam?

Sam: Gandalf.

Teacher: You know the rules! You are barred from today’s Halloween party!

Sam: That was a joke! I’m Merlin.

Teacher: Very well then. You can come to the party. But don’t joke like that. (Leaves)

Sam: (Whispering) Felix, quick! I only know the story of the later half of Merlin’s life!

Felix: (Whispering) You knew one half? All right, I’ll tell you his early life. (Whispers the Story of Merlin to Sam)

Sam: All right. Thanks.

Jerry: So you’re Gandalf?

Sam: Merlin, actually.

Jerry: Then how come he had to tell half of Merlin’s story to you?

Sam: (Whispering) What are your demands?

Jerry: Publicly state that I’m in the group and cooler then you are.

Sam: (Whispering) Keep it down! Fine, I’ll fulfill your evil demands at free period.

~~~Another Class~~~

Ela: Hi, Jean-luc. Hi, Edward. What are you?

Jean-luc: King Louis the IV. Commonly known as the Sun King.

Edward: Robert Lou Stevenson. What about you?

Ela: Eleanor Roosevelt.

Jean-luc: Every year for the past three you’ve dug up some Ela from history. The joke was cute when you were a third grader, a little funny when you were a fourth grader, a little annoying when you were a fifth grader, and now you’re a sixth it’s just dumb. I mean, I’m sure the three years you did it in Portugal were just as annoying.

Ela: Do you really think it’s that dumb? (Stares sadly)

Jean-luc: Oh jeez! Don’t do that! It’s not that dumb, it’s still sort of funny!

Edward: It shows creativity.

Ela: (Laughing hard) Jean-luc, you are a wuss. Every time for years I do that and you say whatever I want! Even when I explain it’s a manipulation it still works!

Edward: It’s sort of true, Jean-luc.

Jean-luc: Name one time.

Ela: Last year. Do you really want me to go into specifics?

Jean-luc: Oh jeez, I am a wuss. (Leaves)

Teacher: Jean-luc? Come back!

Edward: Now look what you’ve done.

Ela: Me? You helped!

Teacher: Ela! Edward! You don’t want this to be like Valentine’s Day, do you?

Ela: No.

Edward: No.

~~The Hallways~~

Ela: Where are Felix and Sam? I haven’t seen them all day.

Edward: I’m still worried about Jean-luc.

Masked Boy: (Runs up, kisses Ela on the cheek, runs away)

Ela: (Shouting) Whoa, what the hell?

Edward: (Laughing)

Ela: What the hell was that?

Edward: How do I know?

Ela: (Opens locker) (Twenty water balloons fall on her then a note falls out)

Edward: Wow.

Ela: (Lying on the ground, soaked) What does the note say?

Edward: ‘Cool off. From the Prankster-Admirer.’

Ela: That same weirdo!

Edward: Apparently.

Ela: If I tell you a theory and you say I’m obsessed, I’ll feed you to Krakatoa.

Edward; Who’s Krakatoa?

Ela: My pet cobra.

Edward: (Gulps) What’s the theory?

Ela: The boy was about Felix’s height. Felix would’ve known how to rig my locker like that.

Edward: You’re not unobsessed.

Ela: (Punches Edward) This is serious!

Bell: (Rings)

Edward: Gotta get to class.

~~Another Class~~

Felix: You have to do something about this demented blackmailer.

Sam: You have your own problems. Some guy in a mask kissed Ela then set traps in her locker.

Felix: How’s that my problem?

Sam: First of all, she thinks it’s you. Second of all, do you really want some random kid kissing Ela?

Felix: What exactly were the circumstances?

Sam: I told you. He ran up, kissed her on the cheek, ran away, and when she opened her locker it was trapped and there was a note from him.

Felix: You’re actually right. I don’t need her thinking it was me. And there’s always the Seal of Revenge. We all have to help in whatever demented revenge she attempts. You too. So plot something.

Teacher: Can you be quiet for one class a day at least?!

Sam: But if we did that, whom would you yell at?

Teacher: Sam, principal’s office. Felix, please come sit in the desk at the front of the room.

Sam: Damn it.

Felix: Damn it.

~~Hallways~~

Felix: One ore class before free period and the Halloween party.

Ela: (Runs to catch up with them) Felix! Did you trap my locker?

Felix: Not since April Fool’s Day.

Edward: She’s not unobsessed with you.

Ela: (Punches Edward)

Edward: You have to stop that! It’s a really bad habit!

Ela: Seriously!

Felix: Ela, I swear to whatever sick and twisted gods I may or may not believe in, I didn’t kiss you or trap your locker and I’m doing all I can to find out who did.

Ela: All the sick and twisted gods?

Felix: All of them.

Ela: Not good enough. You’re an atheist.

Felix: What do you want me to swear on, then?

Ela: Edward.

Edward: How did I get involved?

Felix: Ela, I swear on you that it wasn’t me.

Ela: If you’re lying...

Felix: I’m not.

Ela: I believe you.

Bell: (Rings)

Felix: I haven’t been feeling great. I’m going to the infirmary. Edward, tell the Teacher I was sick.

Edward: Roger that.

~The Infirmary~

Felix: Jean-luc? What are you doing here?

Jean-luc: Eh. Ela said I was a wuss and it triggered all sorts of headaches.

Felix: Yeah. I can see how that might have happened.

Jean-luc: Shut up.

~Another Class~

Jerry: Oh Sam, have you prepared your speech?

Sam: Absolutely. (Jumps on Jerry and starts beating him up as hard as he can)

Jerry: (Fights back hard)

Teacher: (Shouting) Enough! Enough! Both of you, to the infirmary! You are barred from the Halloween party!

Sam: (Whispering) Bingo.

~The Halloween Party~

Punch Guy: Ela, more punch?

Ela: Oh... (Passes out)

Other Punch Guy: Poor kid.

Punch Guy: How did that happen?

Other Punch Guy: (Looks up) (Is the Masked Boy) Hers was laced. (Leans down and kisses her on the cheek) (Runs away)

~Infirmary~

Felix: How did you all get here?

Sam: I beat up Jerry to avoid public humiliation.

Jean-luc: A girl insulted me.

Ela: That weird guy gave me laced punch.

Edward: I tripped and hurt my leg.

Jerry: I somehow associated myself with you weirdoes.

~Outside School~

Felix: This turned out about as well as Valentine’s Day.

Jean-luc: Worse.

Ela: Do we ruin every holiday?

Edward: Just wait until Christmas.

Sam: Don’t even go there.

~Other Side of Grounds~

Masked Boy: (Sitting in a tree) (Takes off mask) (Is Robert)

Robert: See, Felix? She isn’t completely yours.

• The Demons of Halloween

So now we all know Robert has issues. One of my spies told us later and we beat him up heartily. Since I am not connected to the Internet on the computer with all my story chapters, I have nothing better to do then write my bio! Today you have to know we all live in dorms. Edward and me are roommates, so are Sam and Jean-luc and Ela and Sarah. I have a very convenient little spy who bunks with Robert.

Felix: Damn, I’m tired. That day sucked. (Falls backward on to bed)

Edward: We have to do something about Jerry and Robert. They screw us every day.

Felix: Yeah, well, when you have a plan, tell me.

~Robert’s Dorm~

Jerry: So what did you snitch from Ela’s backpack today?

Robert: Her diary.

Jerry: Does she really have a page where she just writes Felix’s name over and over?

Robert: No, that was just a rumor Sam started.

Jerry: Does it say anything about you or me?

Robert: Nothing positive, and one very profane page where she just vents rage at us.

My Spy David: You should give it back.

Jerry: He’s going to add it to his Ela Shrine.

Robert: (Kicks Jerry) Don’t tell the spy about that!

David: (Laughing hard) You have an Ela Shrine? Let me see it.

Robert: No.

Jerry: It’s under his bed.

Robert: Jerry!

David: (Looks under bed) Wow. Ela’s nametag from the first day of school, all the key chains off her backpack, a bunch of random pencils and pens from her backpack, twelve pictures of her from all angles, and a clay statue of her.

Jerry: Holy crap. The statue’s new.

David: Doesn’t she ever realize all this stuff is missing?

Robert: (Seething) She won’t if you don’t tell.

~Ela’s Dorm~

Ela: That Robert kid won’t leave me alone.

Sarah: Sad, since you’re equally obsessed with Felix.

Ela: Stuff it. Sure, I like Felix more then Robert. You like Felix more then Robert. Every human in the school except Jerry and the teachers like Felix more then Robert.

Sarah: Hey, I’ve never concealed that. I’m just amazed it took you so long to realize.

Ela: Wait a minute. What did I realize?

Sarah: (Blushing) Nothing.

Ela: Hold on a sec. You like Felix, don’t you?

Sarah: Crap.

~Sam’s Dorm~

Sam: You like Ela.

Jean-luc: Nope. You do. Edward might. Felix definitely does. Not me.

Sam: Don’t accuse me. The whole reason I got sent to the principal’s office last Valentine’s Day was because I thought Felix gave Sandra a box of chocolates.

Jean-luc: True. But I don’t like Ela.

Sam: You’re the only one who can remember her whole name-

Jean-luc: Elanora Escapada Rachel Maria Sidoroso.

Sam: Exactly. Even Felix hasn’t bothered to memorize that.

Jean-luc: No one at all has memorized Felix’s whole name and that doesn’t mean Ela doesn’t like him.

Felix: (Walks in) Yes it does. And the name is Felix Vladimir Ivan Gusto Sterreira.

Sam: See? You were made for Ela! You both have freakishly long names!

Felix: She’s Portuguese. I’m Russian. It’s a tradition in both places.

Sam: Compare your five names to Sam Mosias. Or Jean-luc Isoba.

Edward: (Walks in) Or Edward Sarsone.

Felix: Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?!

Edward: I was merely pointing out that you have a long name.

Ela: (Walks in) What the hell are you arguing about now?

Sam: Ela! How the hell did you get into the boys’ dorm?

Ela: Snuck in. Why?

Sam: Pervert.

Ela: I was just coming to do the report for Felix’s blog on fanfiction.

Felix: Great. Oh, and if you went into my room when I wasn’t there, I’ll eviscerate you.

Ela: Threaten me again and I’ll deviate your septum.

Felix: Just give me the damn report!

Ela: (Muttering) Why do I even help him? (Talking normally) Fine, your majesty. Sarah has a crush on you. Now I’ll be obeying Sam and leaving the boys’ dorm.

Felix: Whoa, what the hell? Okay, okay, don’t leave.

Ela: See how good I am at obeying people?

Felix: Okay, Princess, you’ve made your point. Now, what the hell?

Ela: Sarah. Has. A crush on you. It’s actually quite simple.

Jean-luc: Wow, Felix, every time.

Edward: When did this happen before?

Sam and Felix: Clam Salad-Robot Incident.

Edward: Oh. Right.

Ela: Will somebody please tell me what the Clam Salad-Robot Incident was?

Felix, Jean-luc, Edward, Sam: Don’t go there.

Felix: And Robert has a shrine to you under his bed. Ain’t life just freaking grand?

• The Day of the Crushes

I’m bored now. Hey, why not tell the story of Ela’s first day of school?

Teacher: Students, I am glad to see most of you again after a summer vacation. I am also glad to introduce a new student. Meet Ela Sidoroso. (Writes Ella Sidoroso on the board)

Ela: That isn’t how you spell my name.

Teacher: What?

Ela: That isn’t how you spell my name. There’s only one L. And you left out a lot. My name is Elanora Escapada Rachel Maria Sidoroso. Ela.

Teacher: Miss Sidoroso, do you really expect me to write all that on the board?

Ela: Seeing as it’s my name, yes. If you won’t, I will.

Teacher: Miss Sidoroso, we do not appreciate sarcasm here.

Ela: I’m not being sarcastic. I’m telling you that you misspelled my name. Then you said you wouldn’t write it, so I offered to do it. Then you told me that I was being sarcastic when I was being completely honest.

Teacher: Go to your seat, Miss Sidoroso!

Ela: Ela Sidoroso will do. Just erase one of the Ls.

Teacher: No. I’m afraid it is spelled E-L-L-A here.

Ela: That’s not how I spell it. I won’t sit down until you’ve changed it.

Felix: For crap’s sake, just change her damn name on the board.

Teacher: Sterreira!

Felix: Why do you have to be oppressive about names? You wouldn’t write out Felix Vladimir Ivan Gusto Sterreira either.

Teacher: Felix, you and Ela are in detention. Three weeks. Two hours a day.

Felix: (Walks up to the front of the class) (Shakes Ela’s hand) I’m Felix. You heard the rest. Not bad at all, Ela. Not bad at all.

~~Free Period~~

Ela: So you’re Felix.

Felix: Yes. He’s Sam. That’s Edward. Jean-luc is on your right.

Sam: Nice job screwing off Mr. Teachy.

Ela: Is that really his name?

Edward: No one knows. He only lets us call him Teacher.

Ela: So he’s insane?

Jean-luc: Absolutely.

Katie: Hey, is that the new kid?

Felix: Oh, screw off, she’s with us.

Katie: How dare you?!

Ela: (Whispers to Felix) Who’s she?

Katie: Shy, darling? Don’t worry. I can hook you up with much better boys then Felix and his crew of weirdos.

Felix: (Grinding teeth) Katie. Everyone calls her the Female Dog since she tells Teacher if you swear around her.

Katie: Come on, darling. Are you really happy with these monkeys?

Ela: (Icy) You mean my friends?

Katie: A hopeless cause. But when you’re deep in dog doo with Felix, remember I offered you a way out. (Walks away primly)

Ela: Dog doo? Darling? Who the hell is she, the Queen of Priss?

Felix: Princess, you have just started to see the horrors of this demented school.

Ela: You gonna call me Princess for a while?

Felix: Not my fault. You look like one.

Ela: (Blushes)

Edward, Jean-luc, Sam: Ooooooh!

Felix: Oh, hell, I didn’t mean like that.

Sam: Ela and Felix, sitting in a tree!

Felix: The brain of a two year old.

~Later in Ela’s Dorm~

Sarah: Felix called you a princess? Lucky. I’m you’re roommate. Sarah.

Ela: Um... All right. Why do you say I’m lucky?

Sarah: Felix doesn’t like anyone. You must have done something fantastic, normally he just gives new kids the finger.

Ela: So why does Felix seem so popular with everyone?

Sarah: He has those three friends, Sam, Jean-luc, and Edward. He doesn’t really like anyone else, but he screws off the teachers, so he’s popular.

Ela: I heard he does a blog thing.

Sarah: Yeah. You’ll be on it soon. A few people report conversations to him and he puts whole days up. I swear that today will go on as soon as you become more important to him.

Ela: How do you know I will?

Sarah: Princess, you aren’t an ugly kid, and you aren’t a stupid one. It’s hard to get into Felix’s good graces but not hard to rise in them.

Ela: What? Not ugly? Do you mean-no... I don’t want a boyfriend.

Sarah: No. Felix doesn’t want a girlfriend either.

Felix: (Walks in with Edward, Sam, Jean-luc) Too damn right. No ideas then, Sarah?

Sarah: None. Get the hell out of my dorm room.

Edward: We’re just here to give Ela a housewarming.

Ela: Wow. Thanks.

Felix: Happy coming, Princess. And many more.

• The Coming of the Ela

What next? The little ‘brush’ with the military? Oh. Here’s something no one likes to remember. Classroom Experiment #16D. (A note to fans of my fanfiction: Bare with me! The computer I keep my files on has no Internet connection! I’m putting up these damn adventures of mine to keep you entertained in the mean time! Don’t lose faith in me!)

Teacher: So, having read the Lord of the Flies, how do you feel?

Felix: Like if I had been on the island, I would’ve been king in a week.

Teacher: Very funny, Mister Sterreira.

Felix: I feel so official.

Teacher: So, all of you think that you’re above doing things like that?

Felix: I don’t. I’ve been planning to kill you all for years.

Ela: Yeah, I would totally kill all of you.

Sam: I’m thinking about what I’ll do with your corpses right now.

Jean-luc: Anything to win.

Edward: Do what needs to be done.

Teacher: Apart from our resident insane asylum, how many of you think you would resort to murder and brutality?

Felix; And then... there was silence!

Teacher: (Glares at Felix angrily) Fortunately, Mr. Sterreira is right. So, we’re going to do an experiment. A weeklong campout where whoever is strongest gets to make the decisions. You can splinter off into tribes and go to war, anything at all. Bring in permission slips tomorrow.

~The Next Day~

Teacher: Very good. Every one of you brought in your slips. I have no doubt some of them are forged, but as I said, anything goes. Now, we go to the location.

~On The Bus~

Felix: The wheels on the freaking bus go round and round!

Teacher: Why don’t you sing Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer instead?

Sam: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer! Take one down, ass it around-

Teacher: Okay, stop.

Sam: Hey, Teacher, get me a beer.

Teacher: You’re thirteen years old.

Sam: Take one down, ass it around-

Teacher: I will pass out lunch now!

Sam: Great.

Ela: Wow. Sam never ceases to amaze.

~The Campground~

Teacher: Camps are Felix, Robert, and Jerry. Sam, Jean-luc, and Sandra-

Sam: Boys and girls can be paired?

Teacher: Yes. No rules.

Whole Class: (Blushes)

Teacher: Edward, Random Kid, Katie. (Goes on for a while) Hmm. Ela isn’t listed. Okay, you’re with Felix’s Camp.

Felix: Crap.

Ela: Crap.

Robert: (Shouting) Thank the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit!

Teacher: Now you must decide among yourselves who your Camp Leader is. Talk about it, fight about it, report back to me when you’ve figured it out.

~~Several Extremely Violent Minutes Later~~

Teacher: Okay, Camp Leaders are Felix, Sandra, Edward, Hal, Jonathan, Sarah, Georgia, and Laura.

Felix: (Whispering) Sam? Jean-luc? How did Sandra beat you?

Jean-luc: (Whispering) She seduced Sam and they teamed up on me.

Felix: (Whispering) Seduced?

Jean-luc: (Whispering) She made out with him for like ten minutes. It was disgusting.

Sam: It was awesome.

Felix: You’re perverted, Sam.

Sam: Did you make a similar deal with Ela?

Felix: No, but Robert tried to. Then she kicked him so hard he passed out.

~In Felix’s Camp~

Felix: All right. Let’s set some ground rules. Ela, you get your own tent because you’re a girl.

Ela: Thank you.

Felix: I get my own tent because I say so.

Robert: Stuck up.

Felix: Jerry, you share a tent with Robert because you have to keep him under control.

Jerry: Aye aye, captain.

Felix: Now here’s a special rule for Robert. You can’t touch Ela. You can’t go in her tent. You can’t speak to her unless she speaks to you first.

Robert: Is this just to torture me?

Ela: No, I specifically requested it, and as Felix is my best friend and a good one, he decided to help me keep you away.

Felix: Jerry, that is your duty. You must keep Robert away from Ela.

Jerry: Wow, that will be hard.

Felix: I think you can do it.

Jerry: Aye aye.

Felix: All right. We’re going to end up as the rulers. So first, we’re going to take Sandra’s camp. Ela, you have to spy on them and find out their weaknesses.

Ela: Aye aye, captain.

Robert: And if I say that I won’t help unless you make Ela kiss me?

Felix: Then we beat you flat and exile you from camp.

Robert: I never said it.

Ela: (Flips ponytail as she walks into her tent) I’m tired. I’m going to sleep. See you tomorrow, Felix. Jerry, keep him the hell away. Third Kid, go to hell.

~~Sandra’s Camp~~

Sandra: (Kissing Sam)

Jean-luc: It’s amazing what some people will do to keep their underlings from rebelling.

Sam: Can’t you ever just be happy for me?

Jean-luc: Sam, at the rate you want to go, you won’t be chaste before marriage. At your rates you won’t be chaste before puberty.

Sandra: Don’t be ridiculous.

Sam: He’s just dumb.

Jean-luc: (Shouting) Can’t you see where this is going?

Sam: (Shouting) I am not what you think I am!

Jean-luc: (Shouting) Felix and Ela are more in control of themselves then you! They may be clueless but they have some self-control!

Sam: (Shouting) Felix and Ela! I can keep myself in check better then they can!

Jean-luc: (Shouting) Why do you have it in for them anyway? Because they’re happy and you can’t be because you love her body, not her mind?

Sandra: Enough. Jean-luc, you’re out. Expelled from camp. Good-bye.

Jean-luc: Bye. (Leaves the tent)

~~Edward’s Camp~~

Katie: Hey. Dexter.

Dexter: What?

Katie: Edward is asleep. Let’s throw him out. Take over. Rule this camp as equals.

Dexter: Okay. Okay. Don’t kill me.

Katie: (Throws Edward out of tent)

Edward: (Doesn’t wake up)

Dexter: Holy crap, what have I done?

~~The Next Day~~

Edward: Ow... What the crap just happened?

Jean-luc: You and me are the first weed-outs. We got kicked out of our camps. So we’re probably going to get hurt.

Edward: Are you kidding? We can reform a camp of our own!

Jean-luc: Got a tent?

Edward: No, but I know how we can get one.

~Ela’s Tent~

Jean-luc: Can we come in?

Ela: Jean-luc? Yeah, I’m dressed, come in.

Jean-luc and Edward: (Walk in)

Ela: So, what do you need?

Jean-luc: We got kicked out of our camps so we’re reforming as a new one. We need Felix’s extra tent.

Ela: So go to him. What do you want me to do about it?

Edward: Get us the extra tent.

Ela: How? And of equal importance, or what?

Jean-luc: Ela. Don’t kid yourself. You’re a good fighter but we can snap you like a twig.

Ela: Not if Felix helps me.

Jean-luc: Get us the tent and we’ll find out once and for all whether Felix likes you.

Ela: (Thinks for a second) What do you want me to do?

Jean-luc: Fight him, flirt with him, we don’t care at all. Just get us the tent.

Ela: Okay.

~Felix’s Tent~

Ela: Can I come in?

Felix: Yeah.

Ela: (Comes in) Thought you might be curious to know that Jean-luc and Edward want your extra tent. They’ve been kicked out of their camps and are trying to reform. Also, they told me to get it from you by any means necessary.

Felix: And you betrayed them? Good job. But we’ll give them the extra tent. For a price.

~Outside~

Felix: All right, guys. You can have the extra tent. But you have to help us raze Sam’s Camp.

Jean-luc: You told him?!

Ela: You told me to do whatever I had to to get you the tent. He’s giving it to you, isn’t he?

Jean-luc: Ela, you suck. We were going to destroy Sam’s Camp anyway.

Felix: Go now. We’ll reinforce you later.

Jean-luc: Very well, your majesty. (Leaves with Edward)

Felix: All right, what did they offer?

Ela: Hm?

Felix: You technically held up your deal with them. You wouldn’t have agreed to do it if there hadn’t been something in it for you.

Ela: (Blushing) There’s nothing.

Felix: Ela, you are the worst liar in the school. Don’t even try.

Ela: (Two shades deeper red) (Shouting quickly) They said they’d find out if you really like me or not! (Starts to run away)

Felix: (Grinning) (Joking) Elanora Escapada Rachel Maria Sidoroso, are you flirting with me?

Ela: (Shouting) NO! (Runs into tent)

Felix: Wow. If she took it that seriously, maybe she was. I was just kidding. Better go help Jean-luc and Edward beat up Sam and Sandra. (Shouting) Everyone up! We’re attacking Sam’s Camp!

~Sam’s Camp~

~Several Violent Minutes Later~

Sam: (Bowing)

Sandra: (Being held by Jean-luc and Edward) (Unconscious)

Felix: Good job everyone! (Looks around)

Ela: (Blushes and ducks as Felix looks in her direction)

Felix: All right. What do we do with them?

Sam: (Trying to sound like Jean-luc) Let them free?

Felix: How about, ‘Put them back on the bus?’

Sam: (Gasps) But that’s for people who have given up and just have to relax and not take place in the experiment all week!

Felix: Yes.

• The Beginning of the Experiment

Eh. I’ll write more of that later if I feel like it. But right now I’ll write about the day or so afterward. At this point Ela is ducking and blushing or running away whenever I’m in the same freaking room. (Actually, this is pretty recent. This was like, yesterday.)

Felix: Hey, guys.

Ela: (Blushes) (Ducks head)

Felix: Do you plan to keep that up for the rest of your life?!

Ela: (Squeals) (Runs out of room)

Felix: What’s her deal?

Edward: She’s just embarrassed. And worried. And a little confused.

Jean-luc: Exactly. She’s embarrassed because you caught her flirting with you. She’s worried you might not like her back. And she’s confused because she doesn’t know if she likes you in the first place.

Felix: So she has to shriek and run away whenever I talk to her?

Sam: Absolutely. Oh, and it was more of a squeal.

Felix: Whatever.

Jean-luc: (Grabs Felix’s shoulders) No. Not whatever. If you like Ela let her know. If not, let her know you don’t so she can get on with her life.

Felix: I meant whatever to shriek or squeal.

Jean-luc: (Lets go) Oh. Yeah. That is whatever. But the advice still stands!

~Ela’s Dorm~

Ela: (Sigh) I’m glad Sarah is out.

Felix: Can I come in?

Ela: Oh. Um. Why?

Felix: I need to know what’s going on in your head.

Ela: Yeah. Come in.

Felix: (Sits next to her on bed) So.

Ela: So.

Felix: You know, even if you like me, we’re still best friends.

Ela: Are we?

Felix: No matter what.

Ela: Thanks.

Felix: Hey, you didn’t shriek and run away as soon as I walked into the room.

Ela: (Is crying a little) No. I guess I didn’t.

Felix: As god is my witness, Ela, I did not mean to make you cry.

Ela: Well, all actions have-

Felix: -Unforeseen consequences. (Smiles)

Ela: (Smiles back)

Felix: I have to go.

Ela: Good-bye.

Felix: (Leaves)

Ela: Felix! Wait! Rats. He didn’t hear me.

Robert: (Is sitting at computer) No, Ela dear. Felix never hears you. But I do.

Jerry: Who are you kidding now, Robert? He’s the guy she turns to when she cries. You’re the guy who had Sarah plant a webcam in her room.

David: You’re spying on Ela? Holy crap! You’re insane!

Robert: And you’re transferred. I requested getting you out of my room. Felix’s spy is going down.

• The Day I Didn’t Quite Understand

Oi, readers. Ela speaking. Felix got me on and told me to go crazy. So, things haven’t gotten any better. Sam is in the hospital but I’ll talk about that later. Suffice to say it involves Sandra. David told us about that freaking webcam in my room, so I requested that Sarah be ousted. Now I’m roommates with a really nice kid named Georgia. But we can’t find the webcam! I have to walk four hallways to go to the freaking bathroom every morning just to get changed! Of course, we told the teachers, but Sarah and Robert denied everything and we had no proof except David’s word. And the teachers don’t like David. But Robert has a lot of footage I’d rather he didn’t have. Naturally, anything that involves me changing in my room. But also he has footage of really personal moments, i.e. that conversation with Felix. Hell, I wish Felix didn’t know about that. He asked me what I wanted and I just said nothing. Plus this is all on the internet, so he’ll know I lied. Oh well. Additionally, there are more things. One or two other touching little moments with my friends that embarrass the hell out of me. Things like that. But maybe I should just get on with the story.

Felix: You can’t ever be in your room except to sleep and do homework. It’s as simple as that.

Sam: Yeah. We all offer you safe haven in our rooms.

Ela: I hate this. You guys need to help me get the footage back.

Felix: Robert is such a pervert. But I have a little surprise for him.

Ela: Oh yeah? Got a new spy already?

Felix: Yeah. Jerry.

~Robert’s Dorm~

Robert: (Is replaying scene where Ela tries to call Felix back) What the hell does he have that I don’t?

Jerry: No webcam in her room. Robert, this is illegal. You have to take that thing down.

Robert: Not until I hold Ela in my arms for real.

Jerry: Robert! This is not a game anymore! If anyone finds this footage, you’ll be arrested! Is a girl called Elanora Sidoroso really worth that?

Robert: (Is silent)

Jerry: (Hopeful) There are more fish in the sea. Let Ela go. Don’t you see the tape you’re staring at? She likes Felix.

Robert: (Furious) How dare you suggest Ela isn’t worth it?! (Slugs Jerry in the groin)

Jerry: Arg! Robert!

Robert: No fish in the sea like her! (Front hand slaps in face)

Jerry: (Picks up a baseball bat from the corner)

Robert: (Backs up) Don’t do it.

Jerry: I can’t. You’re my friend.

Robert: No I’m not! (Straight-on stomach punch)

Jerry: Fine! Then I can do it! (Whacks Robert in head with baseball bat)

Robert: (Passes out)

Jerry: (Crying) What have I done?

~Felix’s Dorm~

Ela: Felix? In there?

Felix: Yeah. Need a place to study?

Ela: Yeah.

Felix: Come in.

Ela: (Walks in. Sits on bed next to Felix) Hey.

Felix: Hey.

Ela: Felix? If we dated, then broke up, would we still be best friends?

Felix: Yes. But is that a question or a request?

Ela: (Blushes) How the hell do I know? Ever felt like there’s a box closing in on you?

Felix: Always. But that was a pretty romantic question.

Ela: Yeah. I guess it was. You going to do anything about it?

Felix: (Shrugs) I never act first.

Ela: I already acted.

Felix: (Shrugs again) No. I probably won’t do anything about it. Unless you wanted me to.

Ela: Was that a question or a request?

Sam: (Is hiding right outside) Get the hell on with it! (Covers mouth) Oops.

Felix: SAM!!

Sam: I needed consolation! I didn’t come to spy!

Felix: What for?

Sam: I found Sandra kissing another guy. And now I have to fight him by the Wall at noon.

Ela: Who was it?

Sam: Fatso.

Felix: Holy crap. You’re dead.

Sam: Exactly. The biggest, most muscular fourteen year old in the school.

Ela: He’s going to feed you to his pet crocodile.

Sam: Yeah! I know!

Felix: So if you’ll go, we were having a conversation.

Sam: I need to know how to fight like you two do.

Felix: What?

Sam: You both do that martial art thing-

Ela: Ignon Asamarel?

Sam: Right. You do flips so much that it looks like you’re flying and you kick ass. I need you to teach me how to do that.

Felix: It will take you three weeks to learn how to do one major flip.

Ela: And a month to pull of a back flip.

Sam: Fine! I’ll ask Jean-luc to help me! (Leaves)

Ela: So was it a question or request?

Felix: You tell me.

Ela: All right. Say it was a request.

Felix: All right.

Ela: (Leans in)

Felix: (Leans in)

Katie: (Barges in) I cannot believe it! Ela and Felix actually together?

Felix and Ela: (Bump foreheads) Ow!

Felix: (Shouting) Get the hell out of my dorm!

Katie: (Shouting) I came to tell you that Georgia found that webcam and Robert’s been arrested!

Ela: (Shouting) Yes! (Kisses Felix on the lips) I’m free! I can live in my own room again!

Felix: Wow.

Katie: You two make the cutest couple. See ya! (Leaves)

Ela: Um... Uh... Sorry... I should go...

Felix: No. You shouldn’t. (Smiles)

Ela: (Smiles) Now all we have to do is go watch Sam’s fight.

~After School at the Wall~

Sam: Ow! Holy crap! Ah!

Fatso: This will teach you!

Felix: Holy crap! (Runs over to wall) (Voice cracking) Fatso, you moron! His arm is broken! And one or two ribs!

Ela, Edward, Jean-luc: (Run to wall)

Ela: (More high-pitched then usual) Oh no!

Jean-luc: (Crying) Sam? Sam, get up. You gotta get up.

Edward: (Angry) Fatso. We don’t really appreciate when people hurt out friends.

Fatso: (Backs up) Whoa. Take it easy. Ow! Hey! Stop!

Teacher: Enough! I have called an ambulance.

So folks, there you have it. (Oh, by the way, still Ela talking.) Not necessarily the best day ever. Felix and I are now officially a couple. Sam is in the hospital and so is Fatso after we were done with him. Robert is in juvie for six months. Jerry got suspended for hitting Robert with a baseball bat. Sandra renounced Fatso and now claims to be faithful to Sam, though we all saw her with William. On the other hand, Sam and Georgia are getting on quite well. Edward and Jean-luc as are unreadable as ever. Sarah’s also in Juvie. Just shows you. Things happen fast in our town.

• The Day

Felix speaking again. Sort of a demented way to live, really. Sam is still in the hospital, but he gets out tomorrow. Funnily enough, no one has yelled at us for sending Fatso with him. Teacher has a sort of Mr. Getwhatyoudeserve policy. As a dear friend of mine once said, I cannot ever help but say, that things get stranger by the day.

Sam: (Runs in holding paper in hand) Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents! (Throws papers on Teacher’s desk) I am out of the hospital!

Teacher: And your homework?

Sam: I couldn’t do it, so I spat on it! (Hands it to Teacher, then yanks back) (Runs around merrily skipping) A paper, a paper, I have a freaking paper! (Rips up paper and eats) (Points at stomach) There’s my freaking paper!

Doctor: (Pokes head in) Um, yes, he’s still on painkillers and will be quite strange for a while. Good day! (Runs away)

Teacher: Now wait just a minute! Oh, Sam, what are we going to do with you?

Sam: (Hopeful) Give me another paper? Call me the Samminator?

Felix: (Falls out of chair laughing)

Teacher: Felix! Since you think it’s so funny, Sam is now your responsibility!

Felix: What? Make Jean-luc do it! He’s Sam’s roommate!

Teacher: Nope. You do it.

Sam: Yay! Felix is going to get expelled if I kill myself! (Winks) (Singing a to a jingle tune) Better hope I’m not emo!

Felix: (Buries face in hands) Oh my god.

Sam: Go my odd! Yay! Go oy mod! Yay!

Felix: Holy crap.

Sam: Croly hap! Yay!

~Later~

Sam: (Singing) Jingle bells, jingle bells, listen to what I say! (Tickles Ela until she laughs) I made you laugh so give me cash or I’ll never go away! Hey!

Ela: What the hell?

Felix: He’s nuts from painkillers.

Sam: Ela Ela bo bela banana fanna fo fela, mi my mo mela! Ela!

Ela: Holy crap.

Sam: Hi, Ela! Yay! I, Hella! Yay!

Ela: Is he ever going to go back to normal?

Edward: I did some research. He will by tomorrow.

Sam: Am I weeeeeeeeeeeeird?

Ela: Absolutely.

Sam: Wheeeeee!

Jean-luc: Holy sh-

Felix: Say crap! Say crap! (Whispering) Katie’s over there.

Ela: Well, that was fun, but I have to go to class.

Edward: Me too.

Sam: Can we skive off?

Felix: No.

~In Class~

Sam: Can I eat the bejeezus out of Teacher’s head?

Felix: What the hell is the bejeezus?

Sam: Yay! Can I eat Teacher’s head now?

Felix: No!

Teacher: Felix, you are a straight A student who can stand to miss a day and Sam is incapable of learning anything until the painkillers wear off. Therefore I excuse you from your classes. All of them.

Felix: Yes, sir.

Sam: (Runs up and slaps Teacher) Bejeezus! Bejeezus! Yay!

Felix: Holy crap. (Grabs Sam and runs out)

~After Class~

Edward: So you get to skip this whole day just because Sam is nuts and you’re an A student?

Felix: But I have to watch Sam.

Sam: Felix, can I go to your room and play with Edward’s stuff?

Edward and Felix: (In unison) No!

Ela: (Arrives) What is he on about now?

Felix: You really don’t want to know.

Sam: Me and Felix is out of class day for the! Yay!

Ela: Holy crap. You got out of class day for the?! I mean, for the day?!

Felix: And in to the asylum with Sam.

Ela: He can’t be worse then a day of classes.

Felix: He asked us to call him the Samminator.

Ela: I feel so sorry for you.

Edward: Yeah, well, he doesn’t want to go to your room to play with Georgia’s stuff, does he?

Ela: No, but Felix is stuck with him all day.

Felix: Which reminds me. Do you still have that book?

Ela: Yeah. Why?

Felix: I need it.

Ela: (Hands Murder Mystery novel to Felix) What for?

Felix: Edward? Got your dictionary? The one with the hardback covers?

Edward: Yeah, I needed it for English class.

Felix: I need that too.

Edward: (Hands dictionary) What do you need this stuff for?

Felix: I’m going to lock Sam and myself in his room all day. I need the mystery novel to keep me entertained.

Ela: What about the dictionary?

Felix: (As if it was obvious) What if I need to knock him out?

Ela and Edward: (Nod) Oh, right.

Sam: (Shouting really, really loud) I WAS SURPRISINGLY QUIET THAT WHOLE CONVERSATION! WHEEEEEE!

Felix: Holy crap! (Grabs Sam and runs into dorms)

Ela: Good luck.

Edward: He’s gonna need it.

~In Sam’s Dorm~

Sam: The country of Continent became a state in 2456! Yay!

Felix: Holy crap.

Sam: FELIXFELIXFELIXFELIXFELIXFELIX-

Felix: What?

Sam: Look! I found a bag of gummy bears! Sugar highs! Yay!

Felix: No!

Sam: Too late! (Swallows tons of gummy bears in seconds) Aschidabadalafongersmack!

Felix: What?

Sam: Aschidabadalafongersmack! He was the king of Continent before it became a state! But they beheaded him because he supported the monarchy over the mighty gods of the constitamatution! Now his bitter ghost haunts the hallways of this school. We have to do a séance and find him. Then, and only then, can he turn Continent into a country again.

Felix: You’re nuts.

Sam: (Pulling out candles and matches and chalk) Come one, Aschidabadalafongersmack isn’t going to come back on his own.

~In Class~

Ela: (Whispering) I’m so bored! I already know all this!

Mr. Yuiop: Do you? Then what is the answer to the equation?

Ela: X squared, check the logs, I’m right, can I go now?

Mr. Yuiop: X cubed is the answer, Elanora.

Ela: Well then, you haven’t done it right, have you? (Walks up and does the equation) There. X squared.

Mr. Yuiop: That... That’s right. (Looks hard) Or it would have been if you hadn’t missed this part. (Does it) X cubed. Now sit down, Miss Sidoroso!

Ela: Yes, Mr. Yuiop.

Whole Class: (Laughs)

Ela: Crap.

Mr. Yuiop: Miss Sidoroso!

Ela: Sorry, sorry!

Whole Class: (Laughs again)

~Sam’s Room~

Felix: Look, we drew the circle, lit the candles, turned out the lights, and yodeled. Aschidabadalafongersmack isn’t coming.

Sam: The yodeling was just to warm up. I can conjure Aschidabadalafongersmack now.

Felix: Huh?

Sam: Oh, great Aschidabadalafongersmack! A-S-C-H-I-D-A-B-A-D-A-L-A-F-O-N-G-E-R-S-M-A-C-K! Come! C-O-M-E! Aschidabadalafongersmack! Get your ass in here! A-S-S!

Voice: Who dares to disturb the great Aschidabadalafongersmack?!

Felix: What the hell?

Voice: I AM ASCHIDABADALAFONGERSMACK! IN MY DAY I WRECKED A MILLION MILLION COUNTRIES!

Felix: There aren’t even one million countries.

Voice: Shut up!

Felix: (Gets up) (Opens door)

Jean-luc: (Falls in holding toilet paper roll up to mouth)

Felix: Hilarious.

Sam: If you think that’s funny, wait until you hear! My painkillers wore off twenty-four hours ago! I was faking!

Felix: What?! (Chases Sam around room)

~Outside~

Felix: Hey, how many of you have seen Kill Bill?

Ela: Me.

Edward: Yeah.

Jean-luc: Saw it.

Sam: It was funny.

Felix: Who wants to play ‘Kill Sam and Jean-luc’ instead?

Ela: Me!

Edward: Me!

Jean-luc and Sam: What?! (Run away)

Felix, Edward, Ela: (Chase)

Felix: Another glorious day.

• National Kill Sam and Jean-luc Day

Edward: Do you think human intelligence is a blessing or a curse?

Jean-luc: A curse. Everything’s getting screwed because we’re intelligent.

Sam: It’s a blessing for us and a curse for every other species.

Felix: I think around one out of ten humans are really intelligent anyway.

Teacher: Excuse me, children. Would you mind sharing what you were just talking about?

Edward: The nature of human intelligence. Would you like to join our discussion?

Teacher: Certainly. I’ll hear it in detention. Four hours. All of you.

Ingrid: Excuse me, Teacher. I just thought you might like to know that we’re all laughing at them.

Teacher: Then you can join them in detention, Miss Stemmla.

Ingrid: Thank you, sir.

Felix: What is her deal?

~Felix’s Room~

Felix: Teacher says during detention we have to do the quiz we were supposed to do tomorrow, so that we can continue our detention when we were supposed to be doing the quiz.

Edward: What?

Felix: Exactly.

Ela: Why were you even discussing the nature of human intelligence in English?

Felix: It was more interesting.

Edward: What’s that girl’s deal?

Ela: Who?

Felix: Ingrid Stemmla.

Ela: She’s certifiably nuts. Thought you knew.

Edward: She purposely got into detention with us. Where are Sam and Jean-luc anyway?

Ela: How do I know? I just want to get through the day without detention. Which is going to be really hard, considering.

Edward: Considering what?

Ela: It’s Graffiti Day. All the twelve year olds have to do graffiti, and whoever does the best without getting caught wins.

Edward: You’re actually participating in a school ritual started and ended by peer pressure that might get you in serious trouble? Doesn’t that go against everything you stand for?

Ela: I was challenged.

Felix: Let me guess. Sandra.

Ela: Yes.

Felix: Right, well, I need some lunch. It’s taco day. See you later. (Leaves)

Edward: I need to figure out what’s up with this Ingrid girl. See you later. (Leaves)

Ela: Great. Now I’m hungry. (Leaves)

~The Cafeteria~

Sam: Hello, people. Hey, Edward, did you find out anything about Ingrid Stemmla?

Edward: No. But I did find out she has a roommate.

Felix: Yeah, I was kind of hoping you wouldn’t do this.

Ela: Am I missing something?

Edward: Ivanova is her roommate. I need Felix to get me in.

Jean-luc: Have you forgotten the ‘Don’t Ask Ivanova For Favors Rule’ again?

Edward: Look, we’re in serious need-

Sam: Do we even have to remind you what happened last time we asked Ivanova for help?

Edward: No, but-

Felix: Look, you’ve known my family long enough to know that asking a non-friendly Sterreira for help is the same as asking to die.

Edward: She’s friendly to you!

Ela: We’re not asking Ivanova for help ever again. I still have bruises from last time.

Edward: If you won’t, I’ll ask on my own! (Leaves table)

Felix: He’s gone mad! Let’s listen.

Edward: Hi, Ivanova.

Ivanova: What do you need?

Edward: I just wanted to-

Ivanova: What do you need?

Edward: Information on Ingrid Stemmla.

Ivanova’s Friend #1: Whoa. You really don’t want to go there.

Ivanova: Ingrid Stemmla is not a nice person, Edward.

I.F.2.: Seriously. She once broke Harry’s back.

I.F.1.: You do not want to mess around with her.

Edward: Ivanova, if I wasn’t desperate, would I even be asking you for help?

Ivanova: Point taken. I can get it by tomorrow. You’ll just have to do your detention with her first.

Edward: How do you know about that?

Ivanova: I know things. Leave now.

Edward: Fair enough. (Leaves)

~Detention~

Felix: I love Sprite.

Edward: Why is it you bring a different brand of soda to every detention you get?

Felix: It adds variety to the monotony.

Sam: I adopted the strategy. (Drinks Sprite)

Teacher: No talking.

Ingrid: Teacher, why do you put up with these numbskulls?

Teacher: While I can empathize with you, these four aren’t numbskulls. Felix is a straight A plus student, Jean-luc and Edward are straight A, and Sam is straight A minus. So try not to be so condescending, Miss Straight Bs.

Felix: Has it occurred to anyone that this school is more totalitarian then should be allowed? I mean, you shouldn’t be permitted to recite our grade averages back to us, it’s personal.

Teacher: Do you want more detentions?

Felix: No, sir.

Teacher: Then do the quiz.

Felix: We’ve all been done for around fifteen minutes, sir. We put them on your desk but you didn’t notice.

Teacher: Very well. I will grade them. Be silent. (Grades papers) Felix, A+, Jean-luc and Edward, As, Sam, A-. Ingrid, B+.

Ingrid: This is stupid! Edward cannot be smarter then me! (Grabs Felix’s Sprite. Pours it on Edward’s head)

Edward: What is your deal?!

Ingrid: (Grabs Sam’s Sprite and pours on Edward’s head)

Sam: Hey! That was my soda!

Ingrid: Oh, was it? (Grabs Teacher’s drink and pours it on Sam) I didn’t notice.

Teacher: Ingrid!

Ingrid: (Leaves)

Teacher: Well, I believe Miss Stemmla has provided you all with enough punishment. You’re free to go. Use the quiz time tomorrow for free time. I will talk to Ingrid. (Leaves)

Felix: Is it just me, or is this getting weirder by the minute?

Edward: Yep. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to talk to Ivanova. (Leaves)

Sam: I’m going to see if I can summon Aschidabadalafongersmack for real. (Leaves)

Jean-luc: I need to go stop Sam from eating all the gummy bears. (Leaves)

Felix: Yeah, well, I’ll see how Ela’s doing. (Leaves)

~Outside The Gym~

Ela: (Sprays a picture of Mr. Yuiop in a dress on gym wall) Perfect. Now I just have to get out of here.

Teacher: Ahem.

Ela: Oh, crap.

Teacher: I really expected more of you, Miss Sidoroso. You may be trouble when you’re around Felix’s crew, but I didn’t know you enjoyed this sort of thing of your own accord.

Ela: So how long do I get detention? Am I expelled? Are you going to call my parents?

Teacher: No, no, and no. None of those things will happen. But you will apologize to Mr. Yuiop in private.

Ela: All right.

Teacher: Hurry, Miss Sidoroso.

Ela: Yessir. (Leaves)

Teacher: (Leaves)

~Ivanova’s Room~

Edward: (Knocks)

Ivanova: Come in.

Edward: (Comes in) I need the information on Ingrid Stemmla and I need it now.

Ivanova: I have it. But you need to pay me first.

Edward: You never said there was a payment involved.

Ivanova: There is. Give me something excellent. I don’t care what it is, though money is optimal.

Edward: (Takes out twenty bucks) The information first. Then the money.

Ivanova: Fine. Ingrid Stemmla has two idiosyncratic ways of thinking. The first one is subtle, but important. She has a way of singling out people she has to be better then. I don’t know the method, but there it is. She’s mostly a modest person, but if I’m right, there are around six people in the world she thinks she’s better then, and she can’t stand being beaten by them. You’re one of the six.

Edward: The other idiosyncrasy?

Ivanova: Maybe you missed it, but she has slight anger management issues.

Edward: Yeah, I kind of guessed that. Why did she try to be in detention with us?

Ivanova: She had one more detention then you. She couldn’t stand to see you get ahead.

Edward: How do you find this stuff out?

Ivanova: I have ways. Cash please.

Edward: First I need a solution.

Ivanova: There are two. The first is to try to focus her attention on someone else. She’s probably chosen you recently, so she probably isn’t firm in her hatred. You might be successful in that. Or, you could just never beat her in anything again.

Edward: Maybe I’ll try to fix her evil ways onto someone else.

Ivanova: Whatever. Pay up, Edward. I’ve given you your information.

Edward: Yeah, okay. Here. (Hands over twenty bucks) Brilliant job, Ivanova.

Ivanova: Thank you. Goodbye. Give my brother my regards.

Edward: I will. (Leaves)

~Felix’s Room~

Ingrid: (Walks in without knocking) You wanted to see me?

Edward: Yes.

Felix: See ya! (Starts to run out)

Edward: (Grabs Felix’s sleeve) Nope. Sorry. You need to stay and be the judge for the trial.

Felix: Can’t you make Jean-luc do it?

Edward: No.

Felix: Why?

Edward: Because if I did, you wouldn’t be here.

Felix: What does that have to do with anything?

Edward: All right, Ingrid. Why is it important that you be better then me?

Ingrid: I am better then you. Whether it’s important to me is irrelevant.

Ivanova: Objection. It is relevant because the fact that Ingrid considers herself better proves that she doesn’t like to be shown inferior.

Felix: Accepted. It’s relevant.

Ingrid: So I don’t like the moron to look better then me. That’s an emotion we’ve all experienced.

Ivanova: Objection. It’s special in your case. Would you feel offended if Felix or I were better then you in something?

Ingrid: No.

Ivanova: And you dumped sodas on Edward because he scored higher then you on a quiz. He did not rub it in, nor did he tell anyone outside the detention room. Is that correct?

Ingrid: Yes.

Ivanova: No further questions. I call Sam Mosias to the stand.

Sam: Yes?

Ivanova: Mr. Mosias, you scored lower then Edward Sarsone on the test, did you not?

Sam: I did. He got an A, I got an A-.

Ivanova: Did you feel inclined to pour soda on him?

Sam: No.

Ivanova: Were you surprised when the defendant stole your soda and used it to assault Edward? Or did you consider it normal?

Sam: I thought she was weird.

Ivanova: Nor further questions. I call Teacher to the stand.

Felix: How exactly did you get Teacher involved in this?

Ivanova: He owes me.

Teacher: Please continue with the questioning.

Ivanova: Of course. Now, would you describe Sam Mosias as a ‘normal child?’

Teacher: Yes.

Ivanova: And would you describe yourself as ‘impartial’ between Edward, Sam, and Ingrid?

Teacher: Yes. I don’t like any of the three of them, though I’ve learned that it isn’t wise to get on the bad side of the Sterreiras without good reason, although Felix often provides reason with his smart remarks.

Ingrid: Objection! Teacher is prejudiced in favor of the Sterreira family!

Felix: Overruled. My sister and I are not technically involved in the incident, merely in the trial.

Ingrid: Objection. You are a witness and Ivanova provided Sarsone with information. You’re involved.

Felix: Ivanova is the only one with all the facts and my role was minimal. Also she doesn’t like Edward. Overruled.

Ivanova: I have no further questions for Teacher. I have proved that Sam Mosias, a normal child who was beaten on the quiz by Edward, thought it strange and wrong that Stemmla would pour soda on Edward.

Ingrid: I demand an objective judge!

Felix: There are none at hand. If the defense cannot provide evidence that proves there was another reason they may have assaulted Mr. Sarsone, then they are found guilty and Teacher will administrate punishment.

Ingrid: I object to punishment on the grounds that all the teachers do not certify this trial.

Teacher: It only needs to be certified by one. I certify it.

Ingrid: Edward Sarsone once specifically prejudiced against my family!

Felix: How?

Ingrid: First, I have a few questions for him. Mr. Sarsone, you have had a brief affiliation with my younger sister Hannah, have you not?

Edward: I have.

Ingrid: What was the nature of this acquaintance?

Edward: We were dating.

Ingrid: And how long were you dating?

Edward: Six weeks.

Ingrid: Is it true that afterward you announced in class that all of the Stemmla clan was stupid and inefficient?

Edward: (Shifts uncomfortably) Something to that effect.

Ingrid: And when I tried to defend my family, what did you do?

Edward: I refused to fight a Stemmla.

Ingrid: On what grounds?

Edward: (Mumbling) That it was wrong to fight someone who couldn’t defend them self.

Ingrid: And then you continued to say that my family was composed of morons and refuse to fight me or even debate it with me?

Edward: Yes.

Ingrid: Then obviously you are prejudiced towards my family!

Edward: Objection! The end of my relationship with Hannah was unpleasant and I was under great emotional stress! Two weeks later I gave her and you a full apology!

Ingrid: You didn’t mean it.

Felix: You can’t make improvable statements about the emotions of Mr. Sarsone. Everyone please leave the room. Teacher and I are going to decide who gets punished and how.

~The Hallway Outside Felix’s Room~

Ingrid: I despise you.

Edward: Yeah.

Sam: Where were Jean-luc and Ela during all this?

Edward: Ela got busted for doing graffiti, and I do not know where Jean-luc is.

Ivanova: No clue.

Ingrid: I hate you all.

Katie: (Walks up) What’s her deal?

Edward: She hates us all. It isn’t all that difficult a concept to understand. Now leave or we’ll fine you for contempt of court.

Katie: (Shakes head) You people are weird. Oh, if you’re looking for Jean-luc, he said something about gummy bears and Aschidabadalafongersmack and then went out to the park.

Sam: I can’t believe he’d try to summon Aschidabadalafongersmack without me.

Edward: Isn’t he that king you guys made up to piss Felix off?

Katie: They didn’t make him up. He’s the ancient god of sugar. They adapted him to one of their fairy tales, but everyone knows he’s the sugar god, including them.

Edward: So Jean-luc went to try to summon Aschidabadalafongersmack, the god of sugar?

Felix: Jean-luc tried to summon Aschidabadalafongersmack without Sam? That’s a first.

Teacher: Who is Aschidabadalafongersmack?

Felix: Sugar god. You need to get a gummy bear sugar high to summon him. But anyway, Ingrid, you’re in detention for one day, Edward, so are you. I have to go round up Ela and Jean-luc.

Sam: I’ll come. I want to see if Jean-luc had any success with Aschidabadalafongersmack.

Felix: Okay. (Leaves with Sam)

Ingrid: Until next time, jerkwad. (Leaves)

Edward: Today sucks. (Leaves)

Ivanova: This was so pointless.

Teacher: You made twenty dollars.

Ivanova: Yipp-freaking-ee. I’ll see you later. (Leaves)

Teacher: I do not owe you anymore! Oh, darn. (Leaves)

~The Park~

Ela: I see you guys came down to get Jean-luc too.

Felix: Yep.

Sam: If he manages to get Aschidabadalafongersmack here without me, I will be so pissed.

Ela: He’s trying to summon the sugar god without you?!

Sam: I know!

Jean-luc: A-S-C-H-I-D-A-B-A-D-A-L-A-F-O-N-G-E-R-S-M-A-C-K! Come! Come! I have eaten many gummy bears, and I desire the coming of greatness!

Felix: It’s a Wednesday, Jean-luc. You know Aschidabadalafongersmack can’t be summoned on Wednesdays.

Jean-luc: Oh, damn. You’re right.

Felix: Well, I have to go make sure Ivanova isn’t doing anything evil.

Jean-luc: Is it really that time of month already?

Felix: Yes. Bye. (Leaves)

Everyone Else: (Leaves)

• The Case of Stemmla vs. Sarsone

This is Sam Mosias writing. Felix wanted me to talk a bit about Aschidabadalafongersmack and the rituals Jean-luc and me do. There are like, twenty kids who try to summon him. Before you ask, only around six believe in him. Neither Jean-luc nor I are among them. For the rest of us it’s an excuse to run to the park and have sugar highs. It also involves a lot of chanting of the letters in his name. I’m pretty sure Jerry made up the concept. Katie and him do the rituals the same way we do, with a lot of gummy bears and no faith at all. We’re called Sugargodianismists. The people who really believe are called nut jobs.

Sam: Hey Edward. Can I call you Ed?

Edward: No.

Sam: Can I call you ‘Dward?

Edward: No.

Sam: Can I call you Dwarded?

Edward: No!

Sam: Can I call you Drawde?

Edward: For Pete’s sake! No!

Jean-luc: Sam, I hear Katie and Jerry are having a huge Sugargodianismist ceremony! In the park tonight!

Sam: We gotta be there?

Edward: Isn’t Sugargodianismism a cult?

Sam: What do you care? You’re an atheist. Along with Felix and Ela.

Edward: Exactly. Any of us that have any sense at all.

Felix and Ela: (Walk in)

Felix: Hey, I can understand the values of Sugargodianismism. Sugar highs are fun.

Edward: Why do you encourage them?

Ela: It’s funny. Besides, they don’t really believe in Aschidabadalafongersmack. They just like getting sugar high.

Jean-luc: Right. Now join us in prayer to Aschidabadalafongersmack.

Felix: Sorry. No.

Ela: Nope.

Edward: Hmmm... I’m going to the ceremony. I want to have a closer look at this cult. Where’s your temple?

Sam: It’s a special cafeteria table called ACRONYM.

Edward: ACRONYM?

Sam: Aschidabadalafongersmack’s Certain Robust Outstanding Never-fearing Yellow-bellied-never Mosque. ACRONYM.

Felix: That’s stupid.

Jean-luc: Blasphemy!

Sam: Katie came up with it. We pray in the direction of ACRONYM!

Ela: Okay. I’m weirded out now.

Felix: I would get the hell out of here if it weren’t my room.

Edward: I just screwed myself. Yippee.

~The Classroom~

Teacher: I would like to introduce two students who will be joining us for a day. They’re going to be coming into this class next year. Please give a warm welcome to Ivanova Sterreira and Ela Sidoroso.

Harry: (Whispering) You’re Felix’s sister?

Ivanonva: (Whispering) Yes. Why?

Harry: (Whispering) Apparently good looks run in the family.

Ivanova: (Blushing) (Whispering) What?

Harry: (Is paying attention to Teacher)

Teacher: Now, we’re going to take a quick poll. Who thinks humans are good by nature?

Everyone Except Felix’s Crew, Harry’s Crew (Harry, Yvonne, Troy, Devon), Ivanova: (Raises hands)

Teacher: Who thinks that they’re evil?

Felix’s Crew, Harry’s Crew, Ivanova: (Raises hands)

Teacher: I expected Felix’s little gang, and Ivanova. But Harry, Yvonne, Troy, Devon?

Felix: (In Darth Vader voice) Join the dark side. We have team t-shirts.

Sam: (In Gollum voice) And the precious!

Ela: (In Pidgin German accent) And cookies!

Jean-luc: (In slow creepy voice) The good side is trying to corrupt you, Edward. Join with us and we shall eat the cookies and wear the t-shirts and use the precious to make I Love Lucy come back on air!

Edward: I will join you.

Whole Class: (Laughs)

Teacher: Can I say just one thing without you five making comments?

Felix: We’ll see how things go.

Teacher: Remind me never to let all five of you in the same class ever again. Anyway, it is imperative that you all decide where you stand. You are the future!

Harry: Does that make you the past? Does that make this history class?

Whole Class: (Laughs)

Teacher: You’re all comedians. And lucky that I don’t give you detention.

Ela: Just wait until Tricks and Comedy Day tomorrow.

Teacher: Back to the lecture.

~Cafeteria~

‘ACRONYM’

Sam: Greetings, fellow Sugargodianismists.

Katie, Jerry, Jean-luc: Greetings, Sam.

Sam: I bring an uncertain to ACRONYM in hopes that he shall be converted. He is Edward.

Edward: Hi.

Katie, Jerry, Jean-luc: Greetings, Edward.

Katie: Has he been presented with the Word of Aschidabadalafongersmack?

Edward: What’s that?

Sam: It’s our bible. Jerry wrote it when he was channeling the great one.

Jerry: This is the Word of Aschidabadalafongersmack. (Hands Edward a notebook) It is not very official. We are a very casual order.

Edward: I see. (Starts to read aloud) ‘First came sugar. And it did taste excellent.’ That’s really deep.

Jerry: The commandments are on page 25, and the description of the devil is on page 34.

Edward: Commandments: ‘Thou shalt eat sugar.’ ‘Thou shalt try to summon Aschidabadalafongersmack at least once a month.’ ‘Thou must not refuse the offering of gummy bears.’ ‘Thou must exercise.’ ‘Thou shalt not be a jerkwad.’ ‘Thou shalt not eat Splenda.’ Five commandments?

Jerry: Yes. Turn to thirty-four, it tells of the coming of the devil.

Edward: ‘And for a while, the humans obeyed Aschidabadalafongersmack, and there was peace and much sugar. But then a dark force came to the land, and did call itself Splenda. It tried to replace the Holy Sugar of Aschidabadalafongersmack, and its creator, the demon Splendenus, did try to replace Aschidabadalafongersmack himself. But the Sugargodianismists did see Splendenus for what he was, and branded him Satan. Since then Splendenus went into hiding, but still his Splenda exists. The Sugargodianismists now refuse to eat any Splenda, and dedicate themselves to its eradication.’ Your devil is the guy who created Splenda?

Jerry: Splendenus, yes.

Edward: That’s certifiably insane. But sort of funny.

Jerry: And tonight, we shall perform the largest attempted summoning of Aschidabadalafongersmack in history!

Edward: Okay then.

‘Felix’s Table’

Felix: This is nuts.

Ela: Yep. I never thought that Edward would join up with ACRONYM.

Ivanova: Is everything this weird in your grade?

Harry: Yes. The Sugargodianismists may be weird, but at least they’re essentially harmless. There’s worse stuff.

Ela: Where are Devon and Troy and Yvonne?

Harry: Detention. They choose to do it at lunch instead of free period.

Ivanova: Right. Well, someone asked me to dig up some information on Aschidabadalafongersmack and his followers. So, I’ll see you all later. (Leaves)

Harry: Later. (Follows Ivanova)

Felix: This whole thing is getting a little weird. I’m going to talk to Edward in our room. (Leaves)

Ela: Right. What am I supposed to do now? (Sighs) I can talk to Georgia I guess. (Leaves)

~The Next Day~

Edward: Oh, my... Oh...

Felix: Edward, what is going on? You go out to this Sugargodianismist thing, then you come back at eight in the morning groaning like someone shot you in the throat and you expect me to believe you’re okay?

Edward: Too much candy... Got kicked out of meeting after accidentally eating more then one of the special chocolates...

Felix: What special chocolates? How many?

Edward: Those fancy ones from Kentucky...

Felix: Those are the ones with an alcohol center! Remember, we each got to eat one at graduation last year?

Edward: I remember...

Felix: How many did you eat?

Edward: Nineteen...

Felix: No wonder you feel awful! Now do you see why you only ever eat one of those things on any given day?

Edward: My aching stomach...

Felix: I’m leaving now. If anyone asks me, you’re sick and staying in bed. The nurse will give you permission if I tell her that you feel sick. You owe me big for not telling anyone what happened.

Edward: (Snores)

Felix: This is stupid. (Leaves)

• Edward’s Closer Look At Sugargodianismism

Ivanova: X cubed.

Mr. Yuiop: Correct! Ela, please solve the next problem.

Ela: (Looking out window) What? Oh. It’s, um, XY squared. 144.

Mr. Yuiop: Correct. And how did you arrive at that conclusion?

Ela: (Stands up and does the problem on the blackboard)

Mr. Yuiop: Some of you are very good students. Some of you would be better if you paid half as much attention as Miss Sidoroso does when she’s daydreaming!

Archibald: (Raises hand)

Mr. Yuiop: Yes?

Archibald: Go stuff it!

Mr. Yuiop: That was pleasant. Detention. Now, let’s continue with the lecture. (Continues for a while) Who can solve this next problem?

Archibald: (Raises hand)

Mr. Yuiop: Yes?

Archibald: (Points at Ivanova) She can.

Mr. Yuiop: But you raised your hand.

Archibald: Yes.

Mr. Yuiop: That means you volunteered.

Archibald: The two aren’t related.

Mr. Yuiop: Yes they are. Do the problem.

Archibald: I can’t.

Mr. Yuiop: Then you shouldn’t have volunteered.

Archibald: I didn’t volunteer.

Mr. Yuiop: But you raised your hand.

Archibald: Yes. Look, are you going somewhere with this?

Ivanova: The answer is twenty! Now can we move on?

~Teacher’s Office~

Teacher: Felix, are you sure that you don’t want to skip a grade?

Felix: (Patient) I’ve been offered a grade skip every year for the past two, for god’s sake. But this school is packed to the bursting and every class is at capacity. For me to skip someone would have to be left back.

Teacher: Is it any wonder? You were able to get an A+ on the ninth grade final exam when you were in seventh.

Felix: Edward and Jean-luc got B+s. That’s a pass. Offer it to them.

Teacher: But you’re able to perform at any level. Some teachers from a very prestigious high school have very high opinions of your work.

Felix: That’s nice, but irrelevant. I can’t skip because everything is at capacity.

Teacher: (Shakes head) I don’t know why you’re putting up so much resistance. You’re clearly bored with all the work you’re doing. There are times when you could teach the class.

Felix: I’m not bored. I’m learning new things every day. That eighth grade exam was hard.

Teacher: (The cut-the-chitchat voice) You got a hundred percent.

Felix: Which was hard. Sorry, Teacher. Maybe next year. (Leaves)

Ela: He heckling you about a grade skip again?

Felix: Yeah. I wish that they’d check if they could actually do it before they offered it to me.

~The Next Day~

Archibald: I have an announcement to make. (Walks up to front of class) Mr. Yuiop wears a toupee.

Mr. Yuiop: Archibald!

Archibald: Yes?

Mr. Yuiop: You just publicly insulted me for no reason.

Archibald: Yes. Are you going anywhere with this?

Mr. Yuiop: That is not a good thing!

Archibald: That’s true. I’ll probably get in trouble for it. Therefore it wasn’t good for me.

Mr. Yuiop: Archibald, you have become insufferable.

Ivanova: (Whispering to Ela) He is really cool.

Ela: (Whispering) He says Felix’s crew is his inspiration in troublemaking.

Archibald: Have I? I didn’t notice.

Mr. Yuiop: You are going to the principal’s office.

Ivanova: (Whispering) That’s mean.

Mr. Yuiop: You think so, Ivanova? Then you can accompany him.

Ivanova: (Hangs head) Yessir. (Leaves with Archibald)

~Principal’s Office~

Archibald: That was pretty cool. I thought you were a teacher’s pet.

Ivanova: Not me. Not really. I just don’t like to get in trouble.

Principal Wintersit: Well, you are in trouble, Ivanova. I must say that I’m disappointed.

Archibald: She didn’t do anything. Just whispered in class. Let her go, man.

Wintersit: Mr. Yuiop complains about you every week, Archibald. Don’t expect favors.

Archibald: Let me write that down so I can remember it. While I do that, you can give Ivanova her reprimand and let her go.

Wintersit: As you wish. Ivanova, detention. You may go.

Ivanova: Yessir. (Leaves)

~Teacher’s Class~

Teacher: All right, class. Given the level of disruptions lately, I am giving you one hundred and eighty seconds with no rules. After that, you must be completely behaved or detention for five hours every day for two weeks. No exceptions. Ready? Set? Go!

Sam: See ya! (Runs out door)

Ingrid: Makes sense! I’m glad we’re on the first story! (Jumps out window)

Jean-luc: Tie up Teacher! (Pulls out rope from under desk)

Nut Job #1: Get him! (Ties up Teacher)

Nut Job #2: Now we gag him. (Stuffs an eraser in Teacher’s mouth)

Jean-luc: I was not serious!

Felix: How many times do we have to warn you? Do not joke around near the psychopath emo kids! Ingrid was already halfway there, which explains her method of escape, but you should not have let it get further then that!

Jean-luc: Me? I’m not in charge. Teacher shouldn’t have given us no rules time!

N.J.1.: Seize Felix! Make Jean-luc king of the new order!

Felix: Get anywhere near me and you follow Ingrid out the window.

N.J.1.: Okay, don’t seize Felix. Do make Jean-luc king of the new order!

Felix: (Whispering) Distract them. I’m going to free Teacher.

Jean-luc: Brothers and Sisters of Kidkind! Lend me your ears! (Babbles on about how kids should rule the world)

Felix: (Takes out Dorm Room Key, uses it to cut Teacher loose) I’m out of here. Good luck, man.

Teacher: You have to stay to help me enforce order!

Felix: Sorry, but the three minutes aren’t up. I can scram if I want. So bye. (Leaves)

Teacher: Oh no.

~Hallway Outside Principal’s Office~

Archibald: Hey. You doing okay?

Ivanova: Yeah. This is my first detention ever though.

Archibald: Rough. Hey, want to get some pizza or something?

Ivanova: Sure.

~Teacher’s Class~

Felix: (Sneaks back in, stands on desk) The three minutes are long over! Everyone back to your seats!

Jean-luc: Do as he says!

Everyone: (Goes back to seats)

Teacher: That will never happen again. Now... (Class continues as though nothing ever happened)

Felix: Wow. This place’s psychopath rating has gone off the charts.

Jean-luc: Doesn’t anyone even care that Sam and Ingrid still aren’t back?

Felix: Not really. They got away fair and square. The question is why I’m still here.

Teacher: I’ve lost hope for this lesson. You’re all dismissed. Get some homework done for once in your lives or something.

N.J.1.: Yeah, that’s totally gonna happen.

~Felix’s Room Later~

Felix: Ivanova’s date went well, apparently.

Ela: Great. So what happens next?

Edward: Gym. And that means Gymmaster Sid.

Sam: I’m skiving. It seriously just isn’t worth it.

Sid: (Barges in) No you’re not.

Felix: What are you doing here?

Sid: I came to tell Felix and Ela about the Ignon Asamarel tournament coming up.

Felix: Oh. Message received.

Ela: Yeah, sounds fun. Are you going to coach us for it?

Sid: Yep. We’ll have a few sessions tomorrow, I’ve been meaning to teach you the kick-flip anyway.

Felix: We’ll be there.

Sid: As for you, Sam, you are coming to gym now.

Sam: Fine, Gymmaster Idiot! Whatever the hell you want!

Sid: Scratch that. You’re going to gym, then detention.

Sam: Hold on. Not detention instead of gym?

Sid: No.

Sam: Oh damn.

Sid: Yeah.

Jean-luc: (Barges in) And then Jean-luc showed up to save the day! Yay!

Felix: Are you drunk or something?

Jean-luc: I can’t remember. I was too busy in our room! It was super-duper-special-awesome fun! Until I accidentally bumped into a shelf, and a needle fell down and pricked my arm. Then I came here!

Sam: Oh damn. That must have been the painkiller the doctor gave me when I broke my arm.

Felix, Ela, Edward: You kept that?!

Sam: Sort of.

Jean-luc: Pippity whippity dip!

Felix: Is there an antidote?

Sam: It’s called time.

Edward: Hilarious. Take care of him!

Sid: Yes Samuel, do.

Sam: I will! I just need to figure out how, when, and why I’m going to do it!

Jean-luc: It’s tango time! (Grabs Sid and tangos) Go tango! Go tango!

Felix: (Takes out cell phone, takes picture)

Ivanova: (Barges in with cell phone, takes picture)

Felix: Twice photographed is thrice screwed. Ivanova, what are you doing here?

Ivanova: I was waiting outside for a few minutes because I needed to borrow the tape recorder, but when I heard that, I had to come in.

Felix: Oh. (Tosses Ivanova tape recorder)

Ela: This may be the funniest thing I never thought I’d see.

Sid: (Finally breaks free) You people are all lunatics! Lunatics! (Dashes out)

Edward: He seriously just figured that out?

Sam: Yeah, how dumb is he?

Jean-luc: Not the tango partner! Anything but the tango partner! Oh well. I like to move it move it! I like to move it move it! I’m not going to right now! But make no mistake! I like to move it move it!

Sam: Move it!

Felix: (Quietly to Edward and Ela) Yeah, move it out of my room, at any rate.

Jean-luc: Je parle français et vous ne me comprenez pas parce que vous êtes un booger!

Ela: Qui êtes-vous appelle un booger?

Felix: You speak French?

Ela: Yeah.

Jean-luc: Damn thee, woman!

Ela: Archaic?

Jean-luc: Thou art correct, vile maiden. Dost thou speak Archaic as I dost?

Ela: Um… What the hell?

Felix: It’s now officially Sam’s problem. Get out of my room. (Shoves out Sam and Jean-luc)

~~Gym~~

Sam: I am tired of this mother-bleeping Jean-luc in this mother-bleeping gym class!

Sid: No inane movie spoofs.

Sam: Damn it.

Katie: (Laughs) Having fun, Mosias?

Sam: Suck on it.

Katie: That’s so original!

Jean-luc: Whip pip dip, the cow says zip!

Felix: Remind me never to require painkillers.

Edward: Which should be wearing off by the end of gym.

Sid: Enough! Felix, high jump.

Felix: Whatever. (Jumps over hurdle)

Sid: The rest of you! Come on!

Katie: I have a note. (Hands in note)

Sid: Twisted bladder?

Katie: Yep. I have to sit out from high jump, rope climbing, and running.

Edward: That’s all we’re doing today. Why did you even bother coming in?

Ingrid: Maybe she felt like it, moron.

Edward: Do you want to start something?!

Ingrid: What if I do?

Felix: Fight! Fight! Fight!

Sid: (Glares)

Felix: Sorry. Take it to the boxing ring! Take it to the boxing ring!

Sid: Okay then. You two can take it to the boxing ring.

Edward: Fine!

Ingrid: Fine!

Jean-luc: Big brother Sammy, are they in love?

Sam: Yes, Jean-luc, they are. But if you say that to them, they will get very angry and glue your guts to Mt. Everest after they’ve mauled you and used your severed head to desecrate every place you consider holy.

Jean-luc: Thanks, Sammy. I understand love much better now.

Sam: Yes, you do.

Ingrid and Edward: (Start boxing in ring)

Felix: Kick her ass!

Sam: Don’t worry! We have the utmost confidence in you! (Whispering to Felix) Five bucks on Ingrid.

Felix: (Whispering) You’re on.

Edward: Ow! (Faints)

Felix: Damn. Here. (Hands over five bucks)

Sam: Sweet payday.

~~The Infirmary Later~~

Edward: (Wakes up) What? Huh? Did I win?

Felix: No, and it cost me money.

Edward: You bet on me?

Sam: Yeah he did. And now Uncle Sam is getting paid.

Edward: The government bet against me?!

Sam: I meant me.

Edward: Oh.

Ela: Why did you even bother trying to fight Ingrid? Since when have you even deluded yourself that you’re a fighter, not a thinker?

Edward: She just makes me so angry. How long have I been out?

Felix: About three days. Here’s the homework you missed. (Dumps pile of homework on bedside table) Actually, around half of that is due in an hour. You can probably get an extension from Teacher, but not Miss Hate.

Edward: Who?

Felix: A new teacher arrived at the school while you were out. She’s called Miss Hate. She’s completely sexist and has never heard of an extension.

Jean-luc: She teaches Math, Grammar, and Etiquette. Oh, and Domestic.

Edward: Etiquette? Domestic?

Jean-luc: They’re new subjects, apparently mandatory. Fortunately, Teacher still gets Literature, English, History, and Science. Mr. Yuiop still gets all of Sixth.

Ela: I’m so lucky. I’ve never seen anything as terrible as Miss Hate before in my life.

Edward: Oh damn.

• The Most Random Assortment of Events

Ingrid Stemmla writing. Believe it or not, I volunteered to write a commentary for Felix’s thing. Mostly just to say that this next installment is another one that involves me. Archibald also makes a reappearance. Edward sucks. Bye.

Miss Hate: Good day, children.

Felix: (Whispering to Sam) Let’s give her hell. (Leaps out of chair) And a very fine day to you too, Miss Hate! It’s just spiffy to know you!

Miss Hate: Why thank you, Mister Sterreira. Why don’t you spend some time with me in detention?

Sam: That’s just a fan-happy-awesome-tastic idea! May I come too, Miss Hate?

Miss Hate: (Surprised) Of course not, Samuel. Not after the wonderful gift you gave me before class. Why, I’m amazed such a good student as you would even suggest that I could put you in detention. Now please, help me pass out these tests.

Katie: (Throws pencil at Sam) (Hissing) Teacher’s pet!

Sam: What? No! I’m not a teacher’s pet!

Miss Hate: Of course. It isn’t a bad thing to be friends with the teacher.

Sam: We’re not friends!

Miss Hate: You don’t have to pretend to be a tough guy in my class, Samuel. We can be friends. Now be a good boy and help me pass out these tests.

Samuel: Fine. (Passes out tests)

~Cafeteria~

Sam: She’s evil. Very clever and extremely evil.

Felix: Wow. I feel lucky to have gotten detention.

Ela: (Walks over) What’s up?

Felix: I’m in detention again.

Ela: That’s it?

Felix: Sam is Miss Hate’s teacher’s pet.

Ela: (Glaring at Sam) I feel dirty just looking at you.

Sam: It was completely involuntary! I was trying to be a brat as usual but she lied to the whole class and made me look like a total goody two shoes!

Edward, Jean-luc: (Walk over)

Ingrid: (Walks over) Hi.

Felix: (Icily) Can we help you with anything, Ingrid?

Ingrid: Yes. You can. But I’m only here to talk to you. Make the rest of them leave.

Ela, Sam, Jean-luc, Edward: (Glance at Felix)

Felix: It’s safe. She can’t fight me. Go ahead.

Felix’s Crew: (Leaves)

Felix: What do you want?

Ingrid: Is Jean-luc really an emo?

Felix: Not really. Why?

Ingrid: What’s he like?

Felix: You have a crush on Jean-luc?

Ingrid: I didn’t say that.

Felix: Yes you did. And if you don’t tell him face to face, I’m not going to help you. And at that point help would be useless. So I’m actually just not going to help you. Bye. (Leaves)

~Teacher’s Class~

Felix: Miss Hate sucks.

Teacher. Despite that being true, you shouldn’t speak ill of the teachers.

Felix: You hate her as much as we do! This is Science. Can’t we develop some sort of Ultimate Super Poison?

Teacher: That would be illegal.

Edward: When have rules stopped anyone in this class from doing anything?

Teacher: Point taken. But we can’t assassinate a teacher. That’s just not right. Now, take out your textbooks and turn to page 243.

Sam: Oh, come on. We didn’t even have anything conclusive on the situation with Miss Hate. Have a heart, Teacher.

Felix: We could do a trial like the one we did for Ingrid.

Teacher: Who would be impartial enough to be the judge?

Felix: Ivanova. Mr. Yuiop.

Jean-luc: What about that kid Archibald? The only person in the school he hates is Mr. Yuiop.

Teacher: Fine. Archibald can be the judge. What are the charges, how do we get Principal Wintersit to approve it, and what would the punishment be?

Jerry: As if it weren’t obvious. She has to make an apology in full to all the kids she’s punished unreasonably or given short shrift to. As for the charges, lack of extension, cruel and unusual punishment, and sexism in the extreme. We don’t technically need the Principal’s approval if the punishment has nothing to do with her job.

Sam: Hold on a second. Did Jerry just do something useful?

Jerry: I do have my moments. Besides, Felix’s crew isn’t the only group of kids in the school who take action every now and then.

Sam: Apocalypse! Apocalypse!

Katie: Seriously, be quiet, Sam darling.

Felix: Oh no. The kids who never take action are staging a revolution. Sam, if you will.

Sam: Apocalypse! Apocalypse!

Felix: Thank you.

Teacher: Will all of you be quiet for a moment? I can probably get Miss Hate down to the old courtrooms from when we used to have a student court during your free period.

Jean-luc: We used to have a student court?

Teacher: You will have to take from there.

Felix: I think we can do that. I can easily handle the prosecution. Edward and Sam can be my witnesses. But we need someone willing to defend Miss Hate, otherwise she has no chance. It takes a child to outwit a child.

Katie: I won’t let you take down the best teacher here without a fight. I will defend Miss Hate!

Felix: Well, that takes care of that. Get her down there and things will happen.

~The Court Rooms~

Miss Hate: (Walks in) What is going on?

Archibald: Hear ye, hear ye. This court will now come to order, the honorable judge me presiding. The first case is that of the Students verses Miss Hate. Miss Hate, you have the option of defending yourself. If you choose not to do so, a lawyer of the state will be assigned to you.

Miss Hate: What?

Felix: You’re on trial. I’m the prosecutor. Archibald is the judge and he just offered you the option of having a student defend you or defending yourself.

Miss Hate: I’ll play your ridiculous game for a few minutes.

Felix: This is no game. We’re dead serious. If you’d read the student-teacher relations handbook more thoroughly, you’d find there’s an accidental loophole in the law stating that children may take matters to court. It says children can take issues with any member of the school community to a court of their choosing as long as the judge is impartial. The students here have been exploiting this slip-up in the rules for as long as this school has existed. You are the next victim of the bizarre unwillingness of the Principal to amend the rule.

Miss Hate: I’ll take your word for it. What are the charges?

Archibald: Essentially, malpractice. Specifically, deliberate sabotage of Mr. Edward Sarsone’s homework, cruel and unusual punishment of Samuel Mosias in making him the teacher’s pet against his will, and sexism in your unwillingness to punish any female for an offense you would give a male detention for weeks for committing. How do you plead?

Miss Hate: Not guilty.

Archibald: And do you choose to defend yourself or do you wish Katie to be your lawyer?

Miss Hate: I’ll defend myself.

Archibald: Very well. Mr. Sterreira, you have the floor.

Felix: Thank you, your honor. (Stands) I call Edward Sarsone to the stand.

Edward: (Comes to the stand)

Felix: Mr. Sarsone, is it true that you missed Miss Hate’s arrival because Ingrid Stemmla beat you up and you were in the infirmary?

Edward: That is correct.

Felix: And how many days of work did you miss?

Edward: Three.

Felix: How long did you have to complete the four homework assignments from each of Miss Hate’s classes?

Edward: One hour, two hours, three hours, and four hours, respectively.

Felix: How many assignments from Teacher did you have that were equally urgent?

Edward: Four.

Felix: Is it true that Miss Hate did not give you an extension on any of these assignments and you had detention because of it?

Edward: Yes.

Felix: No further questions. I call Katie Pail to the stand.

Edward: (Leaves)

Katie: (Comes to stand)

Felix: Is it true that you were in the infirmary for roughly the same amount of time as Edward with a ‘twisted bladder?’

Katie: Yes. I actually arrived only two hours after him.

Felix: And you stayed until an hour before he awoke?

Katie: Correct.

Felix: Did you have any of the assignments for Miss Hate’s classes done?

Katie: No.

Felix: Did she give you an extension?

Katie: Yes.

Felix: Did you receive detention?

Katie: No.

Felix: No further questions. I call Sam Mosias to the stand.

Katie: (Leaves)

Sam: (Comes to stand)

Felix: I have but one question for you. Upon asking for detention so that you could focus on homework more easily and get to know Miss Hate better, how did she respond?

Sam: She made me a teacher’s pet.

Felix: No further questions. I call Miss Hate to the stand.

Sam: (Leaves)

Miss Hate: (Comes to stand)

Felix: Miss Theodora Hate, is it true that upon accepting the job at this school, you added two mandatory classes to the curriculum?

Miss Hate: Yes.

Felix: Let me list the professions that children in my class wish to take: writer, athlete, politician, teacher, literary critic, software designer, hardware designer, and postmaster general to list a few. Are the subjects Etiquette and Domestic helpful to any of these ambitions?

Miss Hate: Technically, no. But I like to think—

Felix: It is irrelevant what you like to think. In fact, your thinking is a problem. You are wasting our time with classes and homework that restrict us from pursuing our actual academic interests. You are damaging our near futures by forcing us to participate in subjects such as Etiquette and Domestic. I have no further questions. The prosecution rests. (Sits down)

Archibald: Miss Hate, the floor is yours.

Miss Hate: I call Sam Mosias to the stand.

Sam: (Comes to stand)

Miss Hate: Sam, what were your actual objectives in asking me for detention?

Sam: I was attempting to get in trouble and bother you.

Miss Hate: So if I had given you detention, you would have been happy about it?

Sam: Yes.

Miss Hate: As a teacher, I can administer whatever nonphysical punishment I find to be effective. As Sam Mosias was trying to get detention, I had every right to innovate a way to teach him a lesson. No further questions. I call Edward Sarsone to the stand.

Sam: (Leaves)

Edward: (Comes to stand)

Miss Hate: Is it true you were in the infirmary because you started a fight with Miss Ingrid Stemmla?

Edward: Yes.

Miss Hate: It was not the fact that he was a boy that I didn’t give him the extension over. If it had been Ingrid in the infirmary I wouldn’t have given her one either. I objected to the fact that it was their own fault they were in the infirmary. If they didn’t always pick fights with each other then they would have time to finish their assignments. No further questions. I call Felix Sterreira to the stand.

Edward: (Leaves)

Felix: (Comes to stand)

Miss Hate: Is it true that you enjoy making trouble for teachers?

Felix: That would be correct.

Miss Hate: Would you say that you showed disrespect to a teacher?

Felix: Yes.

Miss Hate: That’s why I gave you detention. No further questions.

Archibald: The court finds Miss Theodora Hate not guilty.

Sam: What?

Archibald: She’s not guilty.

Miss Hate: And all of you are in detention.

Felix: For what?

Miss Hate: Trying me meaninglessly.

Archibald: And the real verdict is that she’s guilty.

Miss Hate: Come again?

Archibald: It was Felix’s strategy. He knew that if you thought you’d already won, you’d show your true colors.

Felix: Sorry, Miss Hate, but there’s nothing I hate more then a criminal who goes unpunished.

Miss Hate: I’ll have to keep an eye on you. This was a very tricky plan.

Archibald: You will now apologize to every child in this courtroom.

Miss Hate: Fine. I… apologize.

Felix: You can come out now, Jerry.

Jerry: (Jumps out from behind stand) I got it all on tape!

Miss Hate: A very close eye indeed.

-Trying Times for Miss Hate

A lot more things call for desperate measures then you’d think. Which is why Edward once again asks Ivanova for help.

Edward: Ivanova, hi!

Ivanova: What do you want?

Edward: An edge on Ingrid.

Ivanova: Does Felix know you’re asking me for help?

Edward: Yes. He thinks I’ve gone nuts.

Ivanova: What kind of edge do you need?

Edward: Something that will let me beat her in a fight.

Ivanova: Yeah, I thought you might after I helped you out of the infirmary when she beat you up.

Sam: (Hangs up cell phone) Hold on a sec. I helped you out of the infirmary after Ingrid beat you up.

Ivanova: Just how many times has Ingrid beaten you up?

Edward: Twice! Just twice!

Ivanova: Whatever. Why did you bring Sam?

Edward: I’m going to pay you with his pain.

Sam: What?

Ivanova: Wow. That’s even better then cash.

Edward: Sam is yours to torture for twenty-four hours. All I need is an edge.

Sam: What if I disagree?

Edward: Then I tell Jean-luc that it was you who rigged his gumball machine from France to explode.

Sam: I agree whole-heartedly.

Ivanova: Here’s your edge. (Hands Edward needle) Prick her with that while you’re fighting and she’ll be out like a light.

Edward: Where do you get this stuff?

Ivanova: Same place Felix does. Bart’s Warehouse of Painful Pranks.

Edward: That’s a place?

Ivanova: That’s a place.

Edward: You’re actually quite terrifying, you know that?

Ivanova: Yes. Now get out of here before Ingrid gets back from breakfast.

Edward: Roger that. Have a good day, Sam. (Leaves)

Sam: Please don’t hurt me.

Ivanova: Oh, don’t worry. We’re going to have lots of fun… (Drags Sam into her room)

Sam: (Shouting) Edward! Tell the others to remember me as I was!

~~Cafeteria~~

Felix: So how exactly do you plan to get Sam out of class for the day so Ivanova can torture him?

Edward: Already taken care of. I gave notes to Teacher, Miss Hate, and Sid excusing him from class all day.

Ela: What did you say he came down with?

Edward: Twisted bladder.

Jean-luc: How long do you think it’s going to be before the teachers find out that there’s no such thing as twisted bladder?

Edward: It should last until at least the end of the day, don’t you think?

Jean-luc: Frankly, no. I think this whole thing is going to blow up in your face and I’m glad as hell I’m not involved.

Felix: No, he’s right. It will last for the next six hours at least. And if you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you.

Edward: I’m glad to see I have the support of my friends.

Felix: Bugger support.

Edward: Thanks, Felix. I can count on you.

~~Gym~~

Edward: I challenge Ingrid to a rematch!

Ingrid: Fine, moron.

Sid: Edward, do we have to do this every week? You’re just going to get pounded and I’ll have to help you out of the infirmary again.

Felix: Hold on a sec. I’m the one who helped you out of the infirmary when Ingrid beat you up.

Jean-luc: How many times has Ingrid sent you to the infirmary?

Edward: Five times! Just five!

Ingrid: Nine in the past month.

Edward: But this time she’ll be the one in the infirmary. (Starts boxing with Ingrid) (Jabs her in ring finger with needle)

Ingrid: Time out! (Plucks needle out of finger) Is that the best you can do?

Edward: But…

Ingrid: It’s prosthetic, genius. My ring finger is prosthetic.

Edward: Of course. Well, go ahead.

Ingrid: Time in! (Knocks Edward out)

~~The Infirmary~~

Edward: (Wakes up) (Groans) Please tell me I’ve only been out for a few hours.

Felix: You’ve only been out for a few hours.

Edward: Really?

Felix: No.

Jean-luc: It’s actually been around a day.

Edward: Why does this sort of thing always happen to me?

Ivanova: Search me.

Edward: Ivanova? Where’s Sam?

Ivanova: He’s a few beds down from here.

Edward: What happened to him?

Ivanova: I twisted his bladder.

-Edward’s Day (Knocked) Out

It’s Field Trip time! Sixth and seventh grade are going to the local art museum. The chaperones are Sid, Miss Hate, and Mr. Yuiop. Can’t you just already tell that this is going to go wrong? I’ve divided the trip in to three sections. The Bus, the Museum, and the Deli. The titles are self-explanatory. We ate at a very classy deli. We aren’t permitted to be on its premises anymore.

~The Bus~

Harry: I wish I was a llama, for then I could eat grass! I would chew upon my cud till it came out my—

Miss Hate: As I was saying before Mr. Velve started singing, this is the most prestigious museum in the area! You all have to be on your best behavior.

Harry: As I was saying before Miss Hate started talking, ass!

Felix: These poor, unrefined troublemakers. They need to be taught how to create havoc properly.

Ela: So how much do we charge to teach them?

Felix: My thinking precisely.

Edward: Can we just try to get through this field trip without any profiteering, death-bringing, clam salad, or robots?

Sam: Since when have you been anti-fun?

Edward: I just want to see the stupid art.

Jean-luc: Mad Magazine is hilarious.

Sam: That’s Mad Kids! What are you, ten?

Felix: Yeah! Luckily I brought a real Mad Magazine. (Pulls out Mad Magazine)

Sam, Ela: (Almost in unison) Let me see that!

Felix: Sorry, you should have brought your own.

Sam: Come on.

Ela: We’ll never stop bothering you.

Felix: Fine. (Passes magazine around)

Ivanova: Remind me again, which one of us is the older sibling?

Felix: Fine, if you don’t want my magazine.

Ivanova: Give it.

Felix: (Gives magazine)

Edward: (Takes out laptop) Why do I even try?

Sam: You brought your laptop?

Edward: Yeah.

Sam: It’s gonna get stolen.

Edward: No it isn’t.

Sam: It totally is. Haven’t you noticed how bad things always happen to you? Bringing something valuable outside your room is asking for trouble.

Edward: So I’ve had a little bad luck in the past. That doesn’t mean my laptop is going to get stolen.

Sam: Whatever. But don’t come crying to me when your laptop gets stolen.

Edward: It isn’t gonna get stolen!

Archibald: (Sits down next to Ivanova) Is Edward trying to deny that bad things happen to him again?

Sam: Yep.

Mr. Yuiop: We’re here!

~The Museum~

Edward: This is amazing!

Felix: Yeah. How can all this old stuff not have crumbled into dust by now?

Ela: Oh, quit it. Some of this stuff really is cool.

Felix: Yeah, I guess. The cubist stuff is interesting.

Sam: The what with the whom now?

Felix: Your illiteracy does not surprise me.

Sam: Big words! They hurt!

Felix: Exactly.

Jean-luc: There’s nothing French.

Edward: Yeah, nothing French was good enough to get in.

Jean-luc: The fact that it was French should have qualified it.

Edward: Barely any French art was even sent in to this museum. All the good French art is at better museums.

Jean-luc: How do you even know so much about this godforsaken museum?

Edward: No reason!

Jean-luc: Hmmm…

Ingrid: He’s a geek.

Felix: I wonder if the food at the deli is going to be any good.

Yvonne: No way.

Felix: (Thinking) Yvonne said something that’s going to go up on my blog! Apocalypse! Apocalypse! (Out loud) Yeah, it’ll probably suck.

Yvonne: So, Edward, why do you know so much about this museum?

Edward: No reason at all, Yvonne. (Twitching)

Yvonne: Um… You’re twitching… Are you okay?

Edward: I guess I’m just a little twitchy! (Twitches more spastically)

Yvonne: This is really weird… Are you sure you’re—

Edward: I’m fine! Fantastic! (Twitches into a painting, knocks it off the wall) Oh no. Not again.

Yvonne: Again? Oh, so that’s how he knows so much about this place.

Sam: And why he wanted us to behave.

Alarm: (Goes off)

Security Guards: (Drag Edward off)

Edward: No! It was an accident!

Felix: Don’t worry, Edward! We’ll get you back before we go to the deli!

Jean-luc: Wow. Edward really is clumsy.

Ingrid: I told you so.

~The Deli~

Edward: (Comes in, sits down at Felix’s Table) I got strip-searched! Strip-searched!

Felix: Wow. So how much trouble are you in?

Edward: Thankfully, none. They finally believed that it was just an accident.

Sam: See? Bad things do happen to you.

Edward: Yeah, I get that now!

Waiter: Excuse me, but this is a private reservation for only one hundred and two kids.

Edward: What? One hundred and two? It should be a hundred and three! There are 103 kids in the sixth and seventh grades!

Waiter: Well, it’s only 102. So either someone has to pay for you, or you have to leave.

Edward: Miss Hate! Can you please pay for me to get in?

Miss Hate: I’m sorry, Edward. The field trip budget is all tapped out.

Edward: Oh, come on!

Miss Hate: Surely you can make an exception?

Waiter: I’m sorry, ma’am, but no pay, no entry.

Miss Hate: You’re joking.

Waiter: No, ma’am.

Miss Hate: It is disgusting the way children are treated theses days! Why, in my youth, we would never—

Waiter: I’m afraid I will have to ask all of you to leave. And not return. Ever.

Miss Hate: Very well! Come, children!

Whole Class, Teachers: (Leave)

Ingrid: Nice job, Edward. Smooth.

~Bus Again~

Edward: Oh no!

Felix: What?

Edward: My laptop got stolen!

Sam: I told you so.

-Edward’s Worst Day Ever

I am the least lucky person in the school. In case that didn’t make it clear, it’s Edward speaking. I got a new laptop. But the class still isn’t allowed in that deli. The good new about this next installment is that it’s taco day in the cafeteria. The bad news is that Robert and Sarah are back. They got out very early for good behavior, and they managed to worm their way back into our school…

~Teacher’s Class~

Teacher: I would like to welcome back Robert Mangle and Sarah Betgard. Please allow them a fresh start.

Robert: Hello, Jerry.

Jerry: (Icily) Hello, Robert. How was juvenile hall?

Robert: I see you’re still angry.

Jerry: (Sarcastic) You always were observant.

Felix: I can’t believe they let you out of the maximum-security cell already, Robert.

Robert: I see you haven’t been expelled yet.

Felix: This from our school’s own juvie-boy.

Sarah: My, nothing has changed in our absence, has it?

Jean-luc: If you choose to call it an absence. We were referring to it as your term of imprisonment.

Sarah: Teacher, aren’t you going to say anything?

Teacher: No. The sooner you face the people who still haven’t forgiven you, the better.

Edward: We’re not going to forgive those two anytime soon.

Jerry: I’m never going to be your sidekick again, Robert.

Robert: So you’ve joined Felix?

Jerry: No, but I would rather join him then you. I’m with the Sugargodianismists. At least with them you can get sugar highs until you forget whether you’re friends or enemies.

Sam: Amen.

Teacher: Now we really are cutting into class time. Please turn to page 224.

~The Cafeteria~

Felix: Huh. They named a hurricane ‘Felix.’

Sam: You are the hurricane.

Felix: (Tosses French fry at Sam)

Ela: Isn’t anyone a little bit worried that Robert and Sarah are going to try something?

Felix: They undoubtedly will. And when they do, we’ll stop them. But how will living in fear until then help anything?

Ela: Good point. Give me one of your fries.

Felix: (Hands fry) Why didn’t you get your own?

Ela: I took double servings of macaroni and that filled up my tray.

Ingrid: (Comes over) Can I sit here?

Edward: Are you sure you can lower yourself to sit with me?

Ingrid: Look, Sarah and Robert are sitting at the table I normally sit at. My backup table has been taken over by the psycho emo kids. I try to sit alone, but this lunch I have to sit with someone. Frankly, Ivanova and her friends scare me. I’m not a sugar-worshipper. And I don’t really know that many people. So can I sit with you guys?

Felix: None of us object except Edward.

Edward: I count!

Ela: Not when it comes to things that you’re prejudiced about.

Edward: Democrat or Republican?

Ingrid: Diehard left-winger Democrat.

Edward: Fine, you can sit here.

Ingrid: (Sits) So what do you do during lunch?

Felix: Not much. We’re wondering what Sarah and Robert are up to.

Ingrid: I can tell you that Sarah isn’t talking to Robert at all. Apparently she blames him for her imprisonment.

Felix: She’s deluding herself. She didn’t have to help him.

Ingrid: In her mind, she did. They’re both insane.

Edward: Like you.

Ingrid: I’m not nuts, okay? I just don’t like you.

Edward: Why the hell not?

Ingrid: You’re an idiot.

Ela: Will you two calm the hell down?

New Kid: Can I sit here?

Felix: Who are you?

New Kid: I just started fourth grade here because I got beat up too much at my old school. My name is Sept.

Felix: Sept?

Sept: Short for September.

Felix: Okay then, Sept. Pull a seat up.

Sept: (Pulls up chair, sits down)

Sam: It’s weird how they lump all the classes from fourth to seventh together in the first lunch period.

Felix: So fourth grade? Your classes are with Mr. Tibia.

Sept: I met him. He seems… peculiar.

Felix: Everyone and everything here is peculiar. I’m Felix Sterreira.

Sept: I met a girl called Ivanova Sterreira.

Felix: My little sister.

Ela: My name’s Ela Sidoroso. And don’t worry; as soon as you get over everything being completely insane, I’m sure you’ll have a good time.

Sam: Sam, professional, at your service.

Sept: What are you a professional at?

Sam: Deflecting questions about what I’m a professional at.

Jean-luc: They call me Jean-luc.

Sept: What’s your real name?

Jean-luc: Jean-luc.

Sept: Huh?

Edward: I’m Edward. The female who is not Ela that has imposed its company upon us is called Ingrid. She’s certifiably insane.

Sept: What?

Ingrid: I’m Ingrid. He’s a jerk.

Sept: I guess half of that made sense…

Felix: Forget it. Do you have any siblings?

Sept: Yeah, my brother, Oct.

Felix: Is that short for October?

Sept: Yes. He’s in your class.

Oct: (Walks over) Sept, come on.

Sept: I’m eating!

Oct: You have my homework to do.

Sept: I don’t know how!

Oct: That makes two of us. I’ll get an F either way. Come do my homework.

Felix: The kid said no.

Oct: And who the hell are you?

Felix: I’m Felix Sterreira. And you’re leaving without Sept.

Oct: Or what?

Felix: (Flips over Oct) I cause you such an intense amount of pain that you will wish the universe had never been formed.

Oct: I’m not afraid to fight you, bastard.

Felix: Then do it.

Oct: (Swings punch)

Felix: (Ducks, kicks)

Oct: (Trips over Felix’s leg)

Edward: Felix, quit it before the teachers get here.

Felix: It’s Wednesday. The teachers eat in their lounge on Wednesdays.

Oct: (Grabs Sept) (Runs)

Sept: (Cries)

Felix: Sept! (Runs after Oct)

Felix, Sept, Oct: (Leave Cafeteria)

Ela: I thought Felix normally fingered new kids.

Edward: He has a soft spot for bullied kids. Sept had him at ‘I got beat up too much at my old school.’

Ela: Should we help him?

Edward: Oct is the one who needs help.

~Miss Hate’s Class~

Miss Hate: Sterreira? Sterreira? Absent, then. Oct Sanders?

Oct: Here.

Sam: (Whispering) Where’s Felix?

Oct: (Whispering) Why, I don’t know what you mean.

Sam: (Whispering) Give it up.

Oct: (Whispering) The poor boy was feeling awful, and he went to the infirmary.

Sam: (Whispering) You buggering bastard.

~The Infirmary~

Sam: Felix! What happened to you?

Felix: Turned out Oct wasn’t averse to cheating. He threatened to whack Sept with a stick he picked up unless I left. I charged him, and he got me across the head. I think he kicked me a few times when I was out as well.

Sept: I’m sorry…

Felix: It isn’t your fault. Seriously though, how bad is the damage?

Edward, Sam: (Exchange glances)

Edward: Let’s just say you look a bloody sight.

Sam: With an emphasis on the ‘bloody.’

Felix: Bugger, that bad?

Sept: It’s going to happen just like at my old school.

Jean-luc: No. You’re with us now. Oct can try to screw with us, but he won’t get away with it for long.

Robert: (Barges in) The great Felix Sterreira, hospitalized.

Felix: Sept, this is Robert. If he touches you, you’ll get infected.

Robert: Very mature.

Felix: Just looking out for the little ones.

Robert: Hell fiend.

Felix: Drooling quadruped.

Robert: Deviant artificer.

Felix: ‘Artificer’ means someone who makes things.

Robert: It means a liar.

Felix: Get a dictionary.

Robert: I will! (Leaves)

Felix: Nefarious predator! I hate him so much.

Ela: I know.

Sept: Is he the juvenile delinquent kid?

Jean-luc: Yeah. He stalks Ela.

Oct: (Barges in) Well, Sept has to do my homework.

Felix: Fine. Take him. Just leave me alone.

Sept: What?

Oct: (Grins) Deal.

Felix: Let’s shake on it. (Shakes hands with Oct)

Oct: (Faints)

Felix: (Reveals needle taped to palm) Knockout needle. You have to love Bart’s Warehouse of Painful Pranks.

Sam: Damn straight.

-The Return. The Beginning.

The tide rises, the tide falls, The twilight darkens, the curlew calls; Along the sea-sands damp and brown The traveler hastens toward the town And the tide rises, the tide falls. Darkness settles on the roofs and walls But the sea, the sea in darkness calls; The little waves, with their soft, white hands, Efface the footprints in the sands And the tide rises, the tide falls. The morning breaks; the steeds in their stalls Stamp and neigh, as the hostler calls; The day returns, but nevermore Returns the traveler to the shore, And the tide rises, the tide falls.

Felix speaking. That would be my favorite poem. It’s by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Some say it is bleak and depressing, but it’s not. The traveler may not come back, but we don’t know where he is. I say he’s off having the greatest adventures. The threads of possibility twist off this poem like strings on a maypole. Of course, this has nothing to do with this next section of the blog. This is about the new school uniforms, and how Sam refused to wear them. The school uniform is a blue jacket, with a white shirt underneath and blue pants for the boys and blue skirts for the girls. None of them are marked. As we’re allowed to wear our jackets open, I don’t really mind it. But a lot of people do.

Sam: This is stupid.

Felix: You say that. They didn’t have a uniform in your size.

Sam: Shut up.

Edward: I wish they were either a bit more casual or a bit more formal. They’re in that range where I don’t know what they are.

Jean-luc: (Walks into the classroom wearing a pink hat, with a stuffed chicken tied to his neck with a green boa, a boomerang stuffed down the back of his pants, pencils reading ‘I Am Woman’ behind either ear, and a uniform-regulation skirt) Silence, mortals, for the mighty and all-powerful Jean-luc has arrived!

Sam: Whoa!

Edward: Gadzooks! God’s urine! Bugger! Insert generic exclamation of surprise here!

Felix: What the hell are you wearing?

Jean-luc: What are you talking about?

Sam: Well gee, where to begin?

Edward: Since when are you a transvestite?

Jean-luc: I’m not. (Looks at self) Holy crap!

Whole Class: (Laughs)

Jean-luc: (Near hysterical) Why am I wearing this stuff?

Sam: I don’t know!

Jean-luc: What’s going on?

Sam: I don’t know!

Jean-luc: What is the source of all the evil in the universe?

Sam: Those clothes.

Jean-luc: You aren’t helping!

Felix: Just take it off. So anyway, as I was about to say to Sam, Teacher is going to massacre you for wearing one of your t-shirts with a cartoon on it.

Sam: (Looks at his shirt) I like cartoons.

Edward: There’s still fifteen minutes until Teacher is supposed to show up and class starts. If you run, you can change and make it back around two minutes late.

Sam: But I like cartoons.

Jean-luc: I never put anything like this on!

Ingrid: Maybe you were drunk.

Edward: Or maybe he was suffering from temporary insanity, as opposed to your permanent insanity.

Ingrid: Fu—

Felix: Sorry, but I can’t let my blog contain any serious profanity.

Ingrid: Fine then. Screw you, Edward. Happy?

Felix: Yes. Very much so.

Edward: Hey!

Felix: Sorry. I meant yes. Very much so.

Edward: I’ll get you a sandwich at lunch.

Felix: Sweet! Ingrid, you should stop bothering Edward.

Ingrid: For now. And I get half that sandwich.

Felix: Deal.

Sam: Must… play… Groove Boogie Rebellion!

Edward: Where did that come from?

Sam: (Crouches down) (Muttering and stomping around) Left… Forward right forward…

Felix: What are you doing?

Jean-luc: Why am I dressed like this?

Edward: For the umpteenth time, just take the stuff off.

Jean-luc: I can’t. It’s glued on.

Edward: It’s glued on?

Jean-luc: Yeah. It’s very strong glue.

Sam: Yes! I beat my all-time GBR high score!

Felix: You weren’t even playing!

Jean-luc: I have to find out who did this to me. I swear on all that is good in the universe, I shall redeem and avenge myself! (Throws out fists, whacks Edward on head)

Edward: (Falls over)

Sam, Felix: Edward!

Edward: Oh… Where am I?

Teacher: (Walks in) To your seats, everyone. (Looks up from papers) Why are you dressed like that?

Jean-luc: I don’t know!

Teacher: I was speaking to Sam. He knows that cartoons are not allowed in the uniform.

Sam: What?

Teacher: I would ask you to leave my class until you are dressed properly.

Sam: But you aren’t?

Teacher: I am.

Sam: Then why would you say that you would?

Teacher: Because I am.

Sam: That makes no sense.

Teacher: Be silent and leave.

Sam: (Leaves)

Teacher: As for you Jean-luc, you’re fine.

Jean-luc: Really?

Teacher: Of course. We have no right to censure transvestites.

Jean-luc: I’m not a transvestite.

Teacher: Then kindly leave until you are in normal clothes.

Jean-luc: You have to be freaking kidding me.

Teacher: I am not.

Jean-luc: (Leaves)

~Cafeteria~

Sam: You’re still wearing that stuff?

Jean-luc: It’s glued on!

Sam: Oh, just admit you’re a transvestite.

Jean-luc: I didn’t do this!

Felix: Someone glued pencils behind your ears without you noticing? And they glued on all the rest of the stuff without you noticing as well?

Jean-luc: Yes! And the weird part is that they don’t feel like what they look like! They don’t feel like anything at all!

Ela: Or maybe you’re delusional.

Felix: Hold on a minute. Delusional… Stay still. (Slaps Jean-luc, stuff vanishes)

Jean-luc: Ow! Hold on a minute! How did you do that? Are you a magician?

Felix: (Picks up black dot) It’s a government-issue holographic disguise. Someone tagged you with it.

Jean-luc: Why would they make a disguise like that?

Felix: It’s very difficult to make trouble for a transvestite who accuses you of violating his rights just because he’s homosexual.

Jean-luc: Why make it a hologram?

Felix: It’s cool.

Sam: Holograms are cool.

Edward: Yeah.

Ela: Well, that solves your problem. What about Sam’s?

Sam: I don’t got no problem, woman!

Ela: You just admitted you had a problem. Double negative.

Sam: Shut up.

Ela: I can be yelled at but never silenced.

Edward: Seriously, Sam, just take off the stupid shirt. You can’t afford to miss much more class time.

Sam: Yes I can!

Felix: Well, I have to go interrogate some random people.

Ela: Lucky for you there’s a free period right after lunch. You won’t run out of time. And Sam can go change.

Sam: I’m not changing.

Felix: Well, bye. (Leaves)

Sam: Screw this. (Leaves)

Edward: Bye. (Leaves)

Jean-luc: I have to figure out where this hologram generator came from. (Leaves)

Ela: And now I’m alone. (Leaves)

~Harry’s Room~

Felix: (Knocks on door)

Harry: (Opens) Felix? What’s up?

Felix: (Holds up toy fish) This is the police. We would appreciate it if you would just answer our questions.

Harry: You’re not the police! That’s not a badge! It’s a fish!

Felix: I’m a member of the Spanish police force.

Harry: And they carry toy fish instead of badges?

Felix: Of course not. That’s a ridiculous idea.

Harry: Then why are you carrying a fish?

Felix: This is not a fish. It’s a badger.

Harry: That isn’t a badger!

Felix: Sir, I’m a certified badgerologist. Trust me. I know badgers.

Harry: A badgerologist and a police officer?

Felix: Who said I was a police officer?

Harry: You did!

Felix: No I didn’t. If I were a police officer, would I be carrying a toy fish?

Harry: You said it was a badger!

Felix: That’s ridiculous. Why would I need a badger?

Harry: Why would you need a toy fish?

Felix: I’m not carrying a toy fish.

Harry: Yes you are!

Felix: No, this, sir, is a badger.

Harry: (Screams, slams door)

~Teacher’s Class~

Teacher: I see our friend Sam is still absent.

Edward: Yes. He is. Are you going to eat him alive, or just stir fry him?

Teacher: Cute.

Edward: I thought since Sam wasn't here someone should say something stupid for him.