Hiya~ I'm Ace Trainer Alicia, as you can see... I'm also known as Alicia-x-Itachi on Deviantart. You can call me Alicia or Al-x-Ita.

Alicia Rivers is my name, I'm a 19-year-old, perverted college freshman, and I love to read, write, and play video games. I'm also in love with a handsome computer nerd, and am planning to make him my husband one day.

I'm pretty much done with FFnet. I used to spend all my time on here when I first joined, but as time went by and after I got DA, the flaws of the site started to grind my gears more. And I don't mean the lack of good stories or people who understand writing--the site can't be faulted for that. I don't like the web layout, the means of browsing the archive, and most of all the review system. It's very hard to communicate with other users at all, and part of good critique and improving writing involves communication between the reader and the writer.

So I'm really not going to be here very often--and that's a huge understatement. The only things I'll be uploading here that will not also be in my DA gallery will be M-rated fiction containing lemons, because sex scenes in literature aren't permitted on DA. Expect a fair amount of Pokemon fanfic. If you read my other stories, check for updates there instead.

If you're interested in my work, LOOK AT MY DEVIANTART. I may cross-post here, but generally if I log in at all, it will be to upload lemon-fics. If you see one of my lemon-fics cross-posted to DA, that version is CUT. The UNCUT versions will be here exclusively.

If you wish to contact me, send me a complaint, or ask me anything, you may wish to email me at ItachixAlicia@aol.com or add me on Skype if you have it. (My Skype name is AliciavampiressX3 by the way.)

As for what's gonna happen to the stories on here... well...

Hatching an Egg is ongoing, with two more parts planned to form a threeshot.

The Not So Epic or Great Life of a Jedi's Daughter--Finally, revised as of 4-10-2011 and now officially ongoing! Heh, I don't know many people who rework their first fanfictions over and over for five straight years.

The Clan Killer and the Bloodsucker is ongoing, and also hosted in my DA gallery under the title How it Happened. If you follow that story, check my DA since I upload it far more there.

What's Meant to Be Will Always Find a Way is discontinued, partially because I can't stand the Naruto manga at all. It went from being a decent cliched but enjoyable story to being a nonsensical stupid absolute pile of shit. The fandom is pretty damned batshit too--I grew weary of the shipping wars. Itachi is the only reason I even retain ties to the fandom. I just don't want to write Naruto fanfic anymore, save for Clan Killer and Bloodsucker/How it Happened. Also, What's Meant to Be has the same flaws as the later chapters of Naruto, Bleach etc... it's just constant introducing of random plot threads with too many characters and no closure.

The Naruto Shakespeare stuff... I'm going to delete all that eventually. I just need to upload different stories--mainly Pokemon related--to replace the worthless things.

I don't know if anyone remembers Cherry Blossom of My Heart, since I pulled it from the site years ago. I wrote it when I first started reading Naruto fanfic (before I read the manga, oddly enough). It was a 14-chapter short story about Itachi marrying Sakura solely to piss off Saucegay, because I thought that was funny. It was stupid, inane, ridiculous, reliant on all those for its humor, and it was funny at first, but then I realized I didn't want a reputation as a writer who wrote stupid shit on purpose for the sake of humor. Cherry Blossom got almost universal undue praise, which still puzzles me. If I ever find the old Word files of Cherry Blossom, I'll probably tear it to shreds with a nice MST.

OK, it's venting time. Since I'm not likely to upload much here, I might as well say a few things that a lot of people on the site do not seem to understand. Be forewarned, I'll be blunt and to the point.

-This is a site for WRITERS. It's a site for fans of shows, books, games, movies etc. as well, but it's also for WRITERS. This means that before you upload, you should UNDERSTAND THE BASICS OF WRITING. This means that you should spellcheck your work, make sure you have a decent grasp of the grammar and mechanics of the language you are writing in, and PROOFREAD FREQUENTLY. There is nothing more annoying than seeing illiterate, poorly spelled drivel on a site meant for writers. That might be passable on a fansite forum, but not here. Slag, it even says to spellcheck your work in the site TOS. And for Primus' sake, STOP WITH THE CHATSPEAK. It's incredibly stupid even on AIM or MSN, I'm sick of it, and if I see you typing in chatspeak, I AM GOING TO THINK YOU ARE AN IDIOT WHO CAN'T SPELL OR WRITE.

-Please, please, please stop with all the copy-pasta chain letters and memes on your profile pages. I used to do it, yes, but I realized it was stupid and only cluttered up my page. Seeing them is really annoying--what you have on your front page should be things of importance. Things like your favorite books, your favorite kinds of fanfic, your favorite things to read about--not some boring useless copy-pasted statistics or chain letters or whatnot.

-Critique and flaming are two different things. The former is an important tool for any writer, even a professional. Every story, writing style, plot, character arc, character, will be flawed. No story is ever perfect. Therefore it is important to know your own strengths and weaknesses as a writer, and hear it from the readers. Therefore, if you are putting your work out for everyone to see, THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO STATE THEIR OPINIONS, as well as what they like and dislike. ACTING LIKE A CRYBABY OVER CRITICISM IS COMPLETELY STUPID AND UNCALLED FOR. YOU WILL NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS A WRITER IF YOU WHINE ABOUT ANYTHING THAT'S NOT BLIND PRAISE. Flaming is simply insulting a person or their work for the sake of insulting it. Don't just say a story sucks, say WHY it sucks and how the writer can make it NOT suck. "This sucks" tells the writer ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Also, ad hominem attacks make you look like an idiot. No one should be raped or commit suicide because they can't write. Slag, in the Middle Ages, nobody except monks could even read. Does that mean all the illiterate peasants and nobles were subhuman scum who should've hanged themselves? Moreover, flame wars and fanbrat drama detract from the purpose of the site, which is to read stories, and only serve to denigrate the community.

-YOUR PORN DOES NOT BELONG ON FFNET. Lemon-fics and porn are not necessarily the same thing. If a sex scene serves to advance the plot of a story, or flesh out a character, or isn't necessary for the story but makes the plot more interesting, it's not the same thing as porn. There are such things as tasteful sex scenes. Porn is meant to deliberately titillate the reader or serve as fodder for jacking off. If you're writing a lemon into a story that is not meant to be porn, go for it, but it takes skill to do well. Remember that plot comes first, and you are not meant to be providing the readers fap fodder. If it's porn, especially porn with no plot, IT GOES ON ADULTFANFICTION.NET. Not here.

-YAOI. IS. PORN. The word "Yaoi" comes from Japanese words meaning "No point, no plot, no meaning." It was a term created to refer specifically to cartoon porn of two men with no plot. The word for simply pairing up two male characters (or two female characters) is slash. I'll admit, slang and jargon tend to be corrupted over time, but I will use the word in its original meaning. Every time I say Yaoi, I specifically mean "cartoon porn of two men with no plot." Therefore, slash can be well-written, tasteful even, but Yaoi is porn with no plot. Therefore IT GOES ON AFF.NET. (It also doesn't belong on Deviantart, because there are plenty of porn sites all around the Net and DA doesn't need any, but that's another story.)

-Speaking of porn--if you're gonna upload wet-dream fantasy fics to FFnet, GIVE THEM A FRACKING PLOT AND MAKE THE DAMNED THING MAKE SENSE. If you don't want to bother with making it make sense or giving it a plot, upload it to Livejournal, Quizilla, Blogspot, or some other site that allows you to blog about whatever the hell you want. I like my stories with plot and characterization, thank you very much.

-I am not obligated to like the same shippings as you do. You are not obligated to like my shippings. I am not obligated to like your favorite shows, characters, books, and neither are you obligated to like mine. I don't go pissing on people just for not liking the same shit I do. For example... so I don't like slash. Well, I DON'T READ SLASH-FIC. And I don't leave worthless reviews telling the people who write them how much I don't like slash and the story sucks because it's a slash pair. If by some unlikely chance I were to review your slash-fic, or shipping-that-conflicts-with-one-of-my-pairs fic, saying that it sucked, it would be because the story sucked. It would have nothing to do with the main pairing. My review would detail the reasons the writing was poor, for example, if there was purple prose, if every character was out of character, if in Chapter 33 a major plot point or character arc from earlier was retconned solely to push a new implausible plot point, etc--part of critique involves not letting personal bias interfere with seeing things as they are.

-OCxCanon is no different from any other shipping. The ONLY difference between OCxCanon and other shippings is that one character was created by a different person from the other. It's in a similar vein to crossover pairs in that sense. Therefore, it should be treated like any other shipping. Plenty of fanfic turns male characters into dependent blubbering whiny pussies in order for them to be with a CANON female character, or another male character, or a crossover shipping. In fact, pretty much every trope of Mary Sue stories is present in all types of fanfic at some point. So stop with the pointless fan-chara xenophobia. It's pointless, useless, and adds a massive bias to your literary criticism.

-Slash should also be treated like any other shipping.

-M-preg is disgusting and pointless. Men were not designed to be pregnant either physically or emotionally, and do not have uteruses and ovaries implanted in their rectal cavities. What is the point of having a male character get pregnant, when your slash couple can fraggin' adopt a kid? If you wanna write about pregnancy that badly, THERE'S NO POINT IN WRITING SLASH.

-If you are going to ignore characterization, no matter what your reason for it is, THERE IS NO POINT IN WRITING FANFICTION. No fan wants to read about the characters they know and love being those characters in name only. If you want to make up your own personalities or depict characters however you want, MAKE UP YOUR OWN SETTING AND CHARACTERS AND WRITE ORIGINAL FICTION. There's always Fictionpress.com for exactly that. Your parents and grandparents would have done that. OOC isn't so bad if it comes from a character being difficult to write correctly or to understand, or if the author has only a rudimentary knowledge of the characters--but there is a difference between things like that and simply ignoring characterization. There is also a difference between that and character development over time.

-AU settings can be pretty creative at times--but for Primus' sake, STOP WITH THE DAMNED HIGH SCHOOL FICS. It's trite, boring, stupid, overused, and I honestly don't get why everyone wants to write stories about high school. High school, especially PUBLIC high school, is a complete hellhole that I want to forget ever existed now that I'm out of the damn thing. With shows and books these days you'd think it was a place where everybody partied all the time, got dates, cars, and trophies by acting like petulant whiny brats, and battled titanically between cliques, and where you could graduate easily by having sex. Guess what--in real high school, you're expected to go to classes, do paperwork, actually study, watch your grades, and spend your last year looking at college applications and deciding on whether you'll work with your head or your hands. If that were it it would be merely boring; however, the other students there are douchebags, useful classes like music and art get cut in times of financial crisis in order to fund sex ed and new football uniforms, and if you get ignored like I was, you tend to be lucky that you didn't have to endure four years in the seventh circle of hell. WHY WOULD YOU WANT A FANFIC TO TAKE PLACE IN THAT PIT OF VOLES?

-Your own bias will not necessarily be held by a character. Let's say I write a story with a character named Sarah, and several other main characters are her friends. You can go ahead and hate Sarah all you want, and write a bash-fic about her driving a car into a tree, but her friends are her FRIENDS. They will not suddenly decide to torture, maim or kill Sarah because YOU think she's a bitch.

-The term Mary Sue is confusing, I know, since people have different interpretations--but I use it to mean one of two things: A character who is perfect in every way, has no real flaws, and has a sunshine-and-roses existence with no negativity, a la Barney; or a character who is out of place in the setting, causes other characters to go OOC, and breaks rules of the story that restrict other characters. A really awful Mary Sue will be BOTH those things. The first set of criteria makes for a boring character--seriously, even in stories where the characters aren't developed much due to the action driving the story, like in Star Wars, negative turns of events and conflicts impact all the characters. The second set makes for a story that has no logical continuity and will annoy the reader with the writer not following the fictional universe's rules. Befriending or loving canon characters has nothing to do with Mary Sue-ism unless it results in OOC (although a character being the sister of a character whose entire family is known to be dead does make for a Sue, as it breaks continuity).

-Make your shippings make sense for Primus' sake. "They look cute/hot/sexy together" is the stupidest reason behind supporting any couple ever. Imagine using that as your rationale for marrying/dating someone in real life... oh wait. Anyway, lack of common sense in real life aside, this is about your story making sense. Take characterization and the storyline into account and think about how compatible characters are. An important thing to remember about romance, both in fiction and real life, is that there needs to be a balance between differences and similarities. How well does each character's personality play off the other? What would they enjoy doing together? What would they fight over? How do their backgrounds affect them? The only reason I can think of to pair up two incompatible characters is if your story is about a dysfunctional relationship or a rushed romance.

This brings me to common OOC pet peeves of mine.

-No male character will become a dependent blubbering whiny pussy for no reason whenever a woman walks into his life. Some will, but definitely not EVERY SINGLE fictional man will melt into a puddle of goo/get hit by Cupid's arrow/get a huge erection/all of the above just because *insert female chara here* walks by dressed her best and looking more beautiful than Helen of Troy. Believe it or not, many men, both real and fictional, aren't so shallow as to care solely about beauty and actually need to warm up to a woman or get to know her BEFORE they start to want in her pants.

-No female character is a slut or a whore just because you say she is, because she has a crush/boyfriend/lover/husband, is part of a stupid love triangle cliche, or is shipped with numerous characters BY THE FANS. Both are pejorative terms for prostitutes, though the character need not be getting paid for her promiscuity to actually merit being called a whore. Save the term for characters who are actually promiscuous.

-Lead male characters are not your author avatar. They are not meant to be robbed of their characterization so that some horndog can use their names as puppets to live his wet dream. Also, female characters are not your mindless robotic sex objects devoid of personality, and should not be written as such.

-Female characters are not your author avatar either. Your favorite female character will not randomly start chewing out or killing your least favorite female character just because YOU don't like her. Your favorite female character will also not jump into bed with your favorite male character because you want to tap him. You'd better have a damn good reason for the two to be falling in love/dating/marrying, and actually flesh it out and make it make sense.

-Slashers, stop emasculating male characters. Real gay men do not generally consist of pairs of a knight in shining armor and a damsel with a dick, and most fictional men outside of Yaoi manga are not women with testicles either. That whole deal is just a stupid stereotype meant to appeal to straight fangirls and doesn't bear the SLIGHTEST resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. Gay men behave like MEN. Also, the two male characters you want to slash will not generally have a relationship based solely on sex. Real homosexuals do NOT work that way.

OK, venting time over. Here's hoping some people actually realize all this.

Couples

Ah, pairings. The hotspot of any fandom. It's kinda funny how people can argue about who a fictional character should marry with as much fire, passion, conviction, and fervor as they would about a controversial political issue. It's crazy, and it's barbaric, but hey, it's fun. I should know. I have fully embraced and reveled in the joys of shipping, baggage and all.

I'm quite the shipper, sailing on a lot of different ships. To summarize my tastes... I mainly go for cute/sweet pairings, funny pairings, Rival or Villain x Heroine, villain love, and GOOD OCxCanon. (Canon means it DID happen in the book/movie/show/game; possible means it COULD.) Generally I think Hero x Heroine shippings are too boring, but there are some exceptions. I like some crack, but it MUST be funny. (Crack pairings are ones that wouldn't happen in canon, but are fun to experiment with to see what the two characters would do around one another. Thus their appeal is the humor.) I never ship slash, be it M/M or F/F. And I HATE impossible pairings and Mary Sues who cause OOCness. (An impossible pairing is one that could NEVER happen AT ALL without making one or both characters OOC.)

I tend to jump on certain ships because the two characters match well. I almost never care if they actually do or don't become canon.

The biggest downside of the best pairings is that good fics of them are hard to find. It still puzzles me as to why...

Due to space, I'm no longer rationalizing anything on this list--simply listing what I like and don't like, and will or won't read. Italics indicates a pair I will not support anything conflicting with it, and anything not listed I'm neutral about. Most of the items on the CanonxOC list that can't be traced to me come largely from friends and other people I've seen and liked on DA.

Note on Pokemon pairs: Most of my favored pairings are from the GAMEVERSE. The game characters are SILENT and NOT necessarily the same as the manga ones--Pokemon Adventures is a separate canon from the games. So I might ship different pairs with the Adventures characters than with their game counterparts.

Star Wars pairs: Qui-GonxTahl, DarmanxEtain, HanxLeia, General GrievousxShaak Ti, Obi-WanxSiri

Transformers pairs: OptimusxElita, RatchetxArcee, SpikexCarly, BumblebeexSari, ProwlxSari

Pokemon pairs: SilverxKotone, NxWhitlea, BrendanxMay, BarryxDawn, BluexLeaf, GoldxKris, CherenxBianca, BlairxSkyla, RedxDaisy, CilanxIris, JamesxJessie, DarkraixCresselia, GligarxVaporeon, RedxMisty, RedxYellow, RubyxSapphire

Naruto pairs: Don't really care anymore about anything but other people's CanonxOC... but if I must, then NarutoxHinata, DeidaraxYakumo, ShikamaruxTemari, and PainxKonan

Misc. pairs: AlucardxSeras, KanamexYuuki, AangxKatara, SokkaxToph, SamxQuorra, CloudxAerith, SephirothxAerith, SephirothxTifa

My CanonxOC pairs: ItachixAlicia--, Obi-WanxIlliana

Other CanonxOC pairs: SasorixNemu--, ChoujixYakura--, KakashixKaiya, GaixHani, LeexArekusu, ShikamaruxYuuna, NarutoxAyumi, SasukexLuna, BenmeixKarin, GaixRei, EnvyxDawn, SebastianxSara, MokubaxChristine

Other OCxOC pairs: TatsuxShiroko, TakeshixMino--, TsukadaxOrokimaru--, TsukunexYuuko--, GinryuxPaigie-chu, Hunter the MightyenaxShadowstar the Eevee, Red the Shiny GyaradosxHuggles the Shiny Quagsire

--mentioned in Clan Killer and Bloodsucker/How it Happened at some point

Now for what really grinds my gears.

Star Wars pairs: AnakinxPadme, BenxVestara, AtinxLaseema, Obi-WanxVentress, Obi-WanxSatine, Qui-GonxShmi, any Master/Padawan pairing (for Primus' sakes, aren't you paying attention to the age gaps?)

Transformers pairs: Too many to list... I don't know where to start.

Pokemon pairs: Again, too many to list. Especially Ash and ANYONE. Oh, and most HeroxHeroine pairings.

Naruto pairs: Narutoxharems, most Sakura pairings, Sasukexanybody--especially SasukexSakura and SasukexHinata--etc, etc, etc

Misc. pairs: ZukoxKatara, AangxToph, ZeroxYuuki, UlquiorraxOrihime, Aizenxanybody, AlucardxIntegra

You know what really grinds my gears?

This is the part where I nitpick at, make fun of, or otherwise gripe about my own fandoms. Face it, everything's flawed. And in some cases there's plenty of stuff to gripe about within the source material before one even gets to the fandom part.

Pokemon: Well, I don't have much to complain about as far as the source material goes. The games are awesome, the Pokemon Adventures manga is awesome, the card game is pretty cool, and the anime... well, to say the Pokemon anime blows is kind of an understatement. No, it was never good; it was Primus-awful from the get-go, and why it's still going is beyond me. For starters, Ash Ketchum is an annoying-as-hell, stupid, completely un-endearing cheating failure of a Trainer, as well as a Gary Stu of epic proportions--seriously, he makes a day out with Haruhi Suzumiya sound like a trip to Disneyland, and she's an arrogant bitch AND a rapist. He consistently demonstrates that he does not know how to battle, doesn't even TRY to learn how to, earns badges either out of pity or by cheating, has yet to even come close to puberty, lets his best Pokemon go AND promptly forgets about them... And you guys are tearing each other's throats out over which girl should marry him? No self-respecting girl would marry or date this perpetually stupid, Gary Stu Peter Pan twerp. His Pikachu is no better--don't get me wrong; I don't hate Pikachu in general (though I wouldn't use one on my main team, and it does annoy me when people think Pikachu is the only Primus-damned Pokemon in existence); I only hate Ash's Pikachu. In fact, I prefer to call him Pikahax, because, like Ash, he IS a hack. Here's a lesson in type matchups for the people who make the anime: ELECTRIC ATTACKS CANNOT HIT GROUND TYPES. What's Pikahax going to do next, use Toxic on a Steelix? It's also really annoying how his level always resets every time Ash goes to a new region--slag, the fact that Ash travels EVERY SINGLE REGION EVER and gets EVERY STARTER POKEMON EVER further screams that he's Teh Uber Speshulness. Well, I don't buy it for one minute.

I could spend days hawking about how much the Pokemon anime sucks, but let's move onto my fandom pet peeves. One of my primary pet peeves with the Pokemon fandom, other than the fighting-over-Ash's-wife bull, is Kotone bashing. Face it, she's a player character. Player characters in the Pokemon games DO NOT HAVE SET PERSONALITIES. ALL THEY DO IS MOVE AROUND ON THE SCREEN--YOU FILL THEIR SHOES. Ergo, there is NO REASON TO HATE A PLAYER CHARACTER. If Kris had replaced Kotone instead of the other way around, there'd be the same kind of irrational Kris hate everywhere. Kotone-bashing is just another form of nostalgia faggotry, similar to the whining about how the newer gens suck and the first 151 were sooooo much more creative. Biggest loads of Tauros shit ever. Even if I had grown up with RBY (which I admittedly did not)--face it, Kanto's Pokemon selection blows. Piss-poor type variety, boring designs, only one kind of Ghost or Dragon type, nothing to counter the Psychic type--which is not to imply that RBY or the original 151 were bad. I love the Zubat, Oddish, Bulbasaur and Squirtle evo lines to death. I'm just saying that every single generation of games has its ups and downs. I absolutely love Ruby/Sapphire, HeartGold/SoulSilver, and Black/White, and I'm really hoping they do a Ruby/Sapphire remake someday. The games may follow a similar formula, but they're addicting, fun... and lead to more fanfiction.

As for things that annoy me in Pokemon fanfic...

-Rape and torture. Granted, I don't like that stuff in general, but it is REALLY out of place in Pokemon. Pokemon may be darker than it looks--I've read enough creepy-pasta fics to know--but BDSM stuff just doesn't really fit. Especially if it's depicted as romantic--rape is NEVER romantic. I'm looking at you, so-called Ferriswheelshippers who make White lose to N and then have him make her his sex slave. That's not a pairing, that's disgusting, loveless exploitation. (Even that pales in comparison to a now-deleted awful crapfic that had Kotone in a gangbang with TR, and then she wanted Silver to screw her every five seconds *twitch* Why, Primus, why...)

-Anything that uses Kotone-bashing to make Kris look good. It's stupid and pathetic for reasons I've already detailed. Same for the vice versa--these two have NO REASON TO HATE EACH OTHER. AT ALL.

-Playable characters portrayed as weak or damsel-ish. Did you even play the games? Sure, they're silent, so you can write them however you want--but they also made people like them by beating the shit out of their pets, defeated the E4, caught freaking LEGENDARIES, and in many cases SAVED THE WORLD. Does that seem like someone who would faint at a man's kiss?

-Characters from the first four regions using Unova Pokemon, or who only go to Unova in order to screw somebody there (usually N). Unova is far removed from the original four regions, and while it's not far-fetched that people would travel between areas, waltzing around Unova with a Pikachu and a Charmander WOULD garner stares and attract attention.

-Smutfics involving Ash that take place within the actual timeline of the anime. I.E. when the characters are still ten years old. Ignoring the fact that Ash will probably never get it up even when he does hit puberty... just what in the name of Megatron's gun are you thinking?

-Ash paired with every female in existence--seriously, there are lemon fics with him screwing slagging Latias. Other than him being the main character on the show, what has he done to deserve this? He's far from being a paragon of manliness--slag, I could probably name at least twenty fictional guys I normally wouldn't touch with a meter stick who I'd rather nail than Ash Ketchum.

-Almost anything regarding N. The man may be a psychopathic manchild, yes... but he's also a huge fricking pansy. All he does in the Pokemon Adventures manga is cry. In the game, he clearly wants to nail Blair/Whitlea (depends on which you picked)--but it's also clear that he's too chicken to do so. His actions and background suggest that he does not know how to take that step. Also, part of his interests in the player chara stem from the fact that whichever Tao dragon chose him to befriend, the other one chose Blair/Whitlea. Not Cheren or Bianca, not some random Plasma goon, and DEFINITELY NOT your Mary Sue. In other words, he's not likely to make the first move, he's not going to top in the bedroom, and he IS NOT GOING TO MAKE THE PLAYER CHARA INTO A FRICKEN SEX SLAVE. Also, he IS NOT GOING TO EVEN LOOK AT YOUR STUPID KANTO BITCH WHO SHOULDN'T EVEN BE IN UNOVA. He'd take a gander at her Pokemon, since they'd be unfamiliar to him, but what reason besides that would he give two shits about some foreign brat?

(P.S. I'll never call the B/W player characters Hilbert and Hilda. Those names really do not suit them--especially -gag- Hilbert. Seriously, it's one letter removed from Dilbert.)

Star Wars: A lot's been said about Star Wars, particularly what my parents' generation had to say about the prequel movies. While it is undeniable that Episodes 1-3 are terrible, those people are also generally nostalgiafags about it, and if you ask me, a lot of what they complain about does make sense to me, and the movies could have been... mediocre but decent at worst, if placed in the hands of a competent writer. I actually like the twist that Luke hears so much about how great and awesome the Jedi were... when they really weren't. It's ironic.

What most grinds my gears in regards to Star Wars is the Anakin/Padme pairing and how it was handled, the Force-awful New Jedi Order series, the Clone Wars cartoon on Cartoon Network, Twi'leks, and, well... Anakin. And the Skywalker family in general. I also admittedly dislike both factions of Force users--the Sith code basically glorifies temper tantrums, and the Jedi are a bunch of manipulative controlling bastards. But that actually adds to the story.

For starters, Anakin is a whiny, incompetent, selfish little shit--yet everybody loooooves him for some reason. Hero with No Fear, eh... more like Emo with No Balls. The movies TELL us that he lurves Padme and is good friends with Obi-Wan... but we only get shown that he's a selfish prick who bitches about not getting his way. He talks to and about Obi-Wan like a rebellious teenager who's mad at his dad for caring about him, and the way he talks to Padme comes off more like him trying to put on a facade to get into her pants. Also, his fall to darkness makes absolutely no sense. He thinks his wife MIGHT die in childbirth, because he had a dream... so he fully trusts a man he knows is a Sith and waltzes right off to slaughter children when told? That's lazy writing right there.

The Anakin/Padme pairing makes no sense either. In fact, Padme--and Naboo itself--are boring and entirely pointless, and really don't need to be major parts of the story. I could replace Padme with any Padawan, bounty huntress, or Twi'lek dancing girl Anakin happened to see, and it wouldn't make much of a difference. Well, except for the fans wanting to kill me, but still. Anyway. I could buy that Anakin thinks Padme is hot, and he wants to have sex with her... but there's no reason for her to fall in love with him. By the time of AOTC, she still thinks of him as that little boy she saw on Tatooine, and she even talks to him in a motherly sort of way. All he really does around her is bitch and whine and kill Sand People. She's supposed to be a seasoned politician with sharp rhetoric who cares deeply for her people--what would she have to gain by marrying him? What would she see in him, other than a cute face and hot body?

The New Jedi Order novels... well, I haven't read the whole series, but what I did read, I was unimpressed with. Alien invaders--how much stupider can you get? That stopped being interesting in 1960. The series is also full of unnecessary character deaths, Luke being as much of a failtastic idiot as his dad (he was never annoying enough to be unlikable in the movies!), the Jedi being complete and utter pansies, recycled plotlines from the movies... also, afterwards, come the Legacy of the Force novels, Jacen Solo joins his grandpa in the ranks of Epic Faildom. And I liked him and Jaina in the Young Jedi Knights books... On top of that, these books are just so dark and depressing. Star Wars is supposed to be a fun adventure, not a doomsday tale.

Don't even get me started on Fate of the Jedi. Much as I can't stand Anakin x Padme, at least when Anakin choked her, it was because he was being consumed by the dark side. Ben Skywalker had NO EXCUSE for what he did to Vestara Khai, and he's supposed to be on the LIGHT SIDE. What a stupid little shit you are, Ben--you'd think Luke would be a better dad than that. I don't even hate Anakin x Padme as much as I hate Ben x Vestara. Keep your Twishit outta my Star Wars, kthx. (For those of you who aren't informed, in the Fate of the Jedi series, Luke and Ben Skywalker are trying to bring Sith girl Vestara back to the light side, and Luke is taking care of her. Ben barges into her room, demands to read her personal files, Force-slaps her, binds her up in her bedsheets, and proceeds to read her private diary. Then he spoons with her and kisses her, and this somehow makes her fall in love with him. Yup, it's not only even shittier than Anakin x Padme, it's sickening. And here I thought Jedi on Sith action would be the hottest thing ever--apparently not always.)

What grinds my gears in Star Wars fanfic? Well...

-Anakin/Padme fanfiction in general. Even if it's a story with Anakin as Darth Vader, pretty much every single damned story that even mentions AnakinxPadme does so in several paragraphs of HOMG HE LURVED HER SOOOOO, or SHE WAZ IN TRU LUV WITH HIM. It's absolutely cringe-worthy--AOTC was bad enough. Do what George Lucas failed to do and SHOW that they're in love; don't remind me every time their names are in the same sentence!

-People pairing Masters and Padawans together. Are you people even paying attention to the age gap? The fact that it's usually slash doesn't excuse that it's pederasty, ephebophilia, and an example of a teacher taking advantage of a student. I think you people overlook everything else when slash is involved--slag, I could change the course of my fanfic to pair up Senna and Illiana, which would be disturbing (especially since Senna is underaged a lot of the way through), and I'd probably get reviews saying it was really sexy.

Naruto: I don't even know where to start. Why do I even retain ties to this fandom? The manga blows, the anime blows, the fandom blows, the shipping war blows... OK, I admit it, Itachi is enough of a diamond in a shit heap to keep me around... and I guess it's also for nostalgia. I remember when Naruto was actually good. Not amazingly great, just a fun little story with visually appealing artwork about a lonely, annoying, yet charismatic young boy who dreamed of being the very best like no one ever was. It had a little bit of everything--action (the fighting), dreams (Naruto's aspiration), friendship (Team 7, though this was poorly executed), romance (Hinata liking Naruto), humor (Naruto's antics), and interesting villains (Itachi and Kisame). Then along came Shit Pudding (oops, sorry, Shippuuden) and the show and manga went to hell in a handbasket.

Why does it suck? For one, the main characters. I can't really bring myself to hate Naruto the character... he's kind of a personification of following one's dream. Even though he lost that in Shit Pudding, with his character replaced by an ANNOYING tendency to godmod. However, I do hate the other two main characters with a passion. If it were possible for Sasuke Uchiha and Sakura Haruno to suck more than they already do, their names would be Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. Slag, they bear a great resemblance to those two. Sasuke is worse than Ash Ketchum, Edward Cullen, and Anakin Skywalker combined, gets everything handed to him on a silver tray, has an overpowered god card for a bloodline, is insanely stupid, can't get it up because he most likely doesn't have anything to get up... wow, Uchiha-bastard, at least Edward and Anakin eventually "restored their clans." He's also butt-ugly. I can't for the life of me imagine why Kishimoto faps to this abomination, or why he has so many damned fangirls. Sakura, on the other hand, is more boring than watching paint dry. She's the only character on the show without a signature move (and they take the time to name every single stock character!), has the personality of a rock, is ugly and looks rather manly, does nothing but yell at Naruto and drool at Sasuke, and the only thing that sets her above Bella is the fact that she can actually fight and shatter boulders with one punch. Yup, sounds like a strong female lead to me.

Which brings me to the next reason why Naruto blows: ALL OF THE WOMEN HAVE BEEN SHAFTED, GIVEN THE MIDDLE FINGER, AND HAD THEIR POTENTIAL WASTED. I may have mentioned Sakura up there, but still don't believe me? Ino, relegated to selling flowers and standing in the background looking hot. Temari, who rocked the Chuunin Exams but stood in the background during the Save Gaara arc. Tenten, not even a character at all. Hinata, who had a moment there when she nearly died for Naruto, only for him to break character and forget it ever happened, because getting Saucy back was more important. Karin, throwing herself at Asshat and remaining loyal to him, only for him to stab her when he felt like it. Kurenai and Anko, who both showed awesomeness briefly in the first storyline but were quickly relegated to the background since. Konan, who did nothing but stand next to Pain like a zombie. Wow, Kishimoto. Tite Kubo doesn't treat his women like shit; what's your excuse? We live in the 21st century--there is literally no excuse for female characters to only be useful as eye candy or stock characters. Though on the upside, this did kind of influence Clan Killer and Bloodsucker/How it Happened; I depict Alicia Drakan as a competent, formidable villainess--a fairly minor villain from Naruto's standpoint, but a villain nonetheless. Itachi may not exactly be a full-fledged villain, but who's to say he can't be paired with one?

Speaking of villains--Naruto is lacking in those, too. Orochimaru was genuinely scary, and it seemed he was being built up to be a primary antagonist for Naruto, but then Asshat practically tipped him over with his pinkie finger. Itachi was the most interesting character in the entire series, villain or otherwise, being a double agent with very human motivations--but guess what happened to him. The rest of Akatsuki comes off as more silly than truly evil or intimidating, and they, too, are taken out too easily. Pain is a hack with a hack bloodline limit; Danzou is a douchebag for the sake of being a douchebag, which is the cheapest freaking form of villain ever; Madara is an even bigger hack; and Asshat fails even harder at being a villain than he does at being a hero. His insanity isn't interesting or poignant like, say, Sephiroth's; it just makes him look like a complete moron. As for female villains? Nope, just men, men, and more men. Karin and Tayuya don't count because they're only henchwomen, and Karin isn't even really bad. Konan is the only female character who comes close to being a villain, and all she does is stand around next to Pain like a zombie. A hero is only as good as the villains he or she has to face, for Primus' sake! Why should I bother to cheer for the hero if the villains are either walking jokes or get whacked as easily as a beer bottle on the edge of a countertop?

One more reason why Naruto blows--the storyline has been dragged out for too long. It should have ended forever and a day ago--if you ask me, the two parts should have been about the same length, with a brief epilogue following the ending. There is absolutely no reason the manga should still be running! Because it's so slagging long, I've lost a lot of interest for the shippings and characters I used to like a lot. Itachi is literally the only character I care at all about anymore, and with him being... written out of the story (I refuse to give that chicken-headed prick any credit), I have no reason to care anymore, except for wishing that the damn thing would end already.

Things that annoy me in Naruto fanfics:

-Those damned Naru-Harem fics. Naruto would probably not be able to maintain multiple partners, and even so, he WOULD NOT TREAT WOMEN LIKE SEX OBJECTS. Seriously, the poor guy is already stuck in a show that sucks; don't kill his character and replace it with your Gary Stu self-insert. Keep your misogynistic fantasies on your LJ or your Blogspot.

-Sasuke is not a pervert. He is not a playboy, or a sex god, or handsome, or straight, or gay, or even interested in anyone except himself. As I said earlier, he has most likely never gotten it up because he has nothing to get up. If he doesn't even know what restoring his clan means, or sees Suigetsu AND Karin naked and doesn't even twitch... I doubt he's ever even had a boner. Ergo, pairing him up with anyone is nearly always OOC. Well, SasuSaku or SasuKarin MIGHT logically happen... if the girls decided to dominate him.

-If you're going to make a Naruto OC... enough with the literal CARBON COPIES of Sasuke and Sakura already. As if it weren't uncreative enough to just copy an existing character, do you have to copy the ones that suck? Also, the canon girls aren't all clones of one another; what's your excuse?

-Also, for all the godlike powers people give their Mary Sues, they're still nearly always weak and pathetic dolls, especially around their designated lovers. Fangirls, Kishimoto's treatment of his women is bad enough--make some TRULY strong girls once in awhile, willya?

-Hinata would never beat up or kill Sakura. Especially over Naruto. There is no indication of any animosity between the two. Though I do suspect that Hinata would sooner beat up Sakura before she slept with Sasuke. -gags- Seriously--what would she even see in him?

-Itachi is not a rapist. He would not screw his own brother, nor would he likely be interested in someone with the personality of a rock (i.e. Sakura). It would take a good deal to get him interested romantically in somebody--he'd have to trust her, not be too annoyed by her, and know her for a fairly long time. He WOULD NOT CARE if your OC looked like Helen of Troy; she'd have to have something on the inside to pique his interest. He would not act crass or rude in front of a girl, nor would he blush and stammer and act like Hinata EVER FOR ANY REASON.

-For the love of Primus--just because Itachi and Sasuke are brothers, DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE ALIKE OR INTERCHANGEABLE. My sisters and I each have very different personalities, and it would be very different being married to me than being married to either of my sisters. The same generally goes for fictional siblings too.

-I'm sorry, but smut involving ANY of the Uchihas and Sakura is just plain terrible! SasuSaku lemons are the worst sparkly sugary crap I have ever read on FFnet--seriously, Sasuke is NOT a sex god. Half of them try to be sexy but just end up making Sasuke and Sakura look slutty and trashy, and they're even worse if the author tries to make them dark. SasuSaku vampire fanfiction is about as dark as Twilight. ItaSaku smut isn't quite as bad, but it's still bad. It nearly always depicts Itachi as some kind of mindless horndog and Sakura as innocent and beautiful and just waiting to be consumed by his lust for her. And I don't think I will ever attempt to read a MadaSaku...

Some awesome art for me!

http://kyubi-nemu.deviantart.com/art/At-the-hospital-118024453 "What's Meant to Be..." Chapter 48

http://darthskygirl.deviantart.com/art/Obi-x-Illiana-request-COLOR-144217951 Cute little ObiIlla

http://nemonus.deviantart.com/art/SW-Request-Tryst-164079731 More ObiIlla

http://kyubi-nemu.deviantart.com/art/AT-Alicia-and-Itachi-169868338 Another Itachi/Alicia

http://kyubi-nemu.deviantart.com/art/ItaAli-Chibi-253899845 Yes, you guessed it...

http://ashtoninuzuka.deviantart.com/art/Gift-Dearest-Alicia-147967487 More Itachi/Alicia... you're probably getting tired of this...

http://thadarova.deviantart.com/art/Happy-b-day-Alicia-x-Itachi-147898045 SWEET HOLY SON OF A QUINTESSON FRICKEN PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIMUS!

http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/222/2/e/Blood_is_best_from_your_Lover_by_NikkiXKaila.png THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER!

http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/225/7/1/For_our_love_ItachixAlicia_by_FromGoldMidas.jpg THE OTHER BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER!

So you finally got to the bottom... I swear, this page is too long. Go ahead, feel free to read my shit.